Owner: Half Empty URL:http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Wed, 13 Dec 2006 17:00:43 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn your frown upside down, but you might pull a muscle.
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2006-12-13 04:57:00 CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 4)By Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternTis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year. This classic comes from Christmas 1964.Dear Friends and Family,Remember in February when my husband took me on that cheap cruise to celebrate our 30th anniversary? Remember how I complained that I don't like boats and was afraid that the weather might get rough?Remember how all of you said that it'll be fine and just suck it up for the short time?Well I got five words for you: THREE HOUR TOUR MY ASS!You've probably noticed that Thurston and
2006-12-06 05:35:00 CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 3)By Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternTis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year.This one was sent in by one of our more connected readers. It's a letter from North Korea, and it just came in this week.Christmas 2006Dearest Family, Friends and Comrades,Well, it's hard to believe that another year has gone by. Kimmy and I have had another great year. Especially Kimmy. Where should I begin? Let's start with some of his accomplishments during his free time. In January he composed 32 operas. In February he pulled a nuclear ar
2006-11-29 05:01:00 CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 2)By Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternTis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year.This is one is on loan from the British National Archive. It's yellow and brittle, but it's message of Christmas cheer is timeless.Christmas 1536Dearest Friends & Relatives,It is my fondest wish that you and yours enjoy a wonderful Christmas this year. The King and I welcomed our daughter Elizabeth to the world this year, a moment that we will surely treasure forever. His Majesty is a doting and attentive father. Why, just yesterday he didn't
2006-11-22 05:01:00 CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 1)By Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternTis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year.We acquired this first one (completely authentic--it comes with a letter of authenticity signed by famed attorney U.R. Dumass) on E-bay. It's probably worth a great deal more than the $1000 we paid for it.December 1928Dear Friends and Relatives,What a year! I can't believe Herbie's really the new president.We're just getting settled into our new home (The White House), but it's been quite the decorating challenge. Herbie has been putting
2006-11-15 05:29:00 Million Dollar Holiday GiftsBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternThis holiday season we are really in the giving mood. In fact, we're prepared to give away millions of dollars.It's better to teach someone to fish than to give them actual fish, right? That's why your good buddies Rick and Dave are handing out six of our business ideas from our "Million Dollar File," absolutely free.That's right. The following ideas are all potential goldmines. They only need a fisherman to cast out the line. With a little gumption, a little spit and polish, and a little start-up capital, these businesses could each be worth a mint. 1. Uri-Geller Auto Body ShopsThe man can bend spoons with his mind. It's a total waste of his talent. Think of what he could do for Chevys and Lincoln Town Cars (with no overhead costs!) He wouldn't return our phone calls, but that doesn't mean he won't return yours. Good luck, and please wish him our best.2. Players Association Fantasy CampsAt the existing fanta
2006-11-08 05:32:00 Thinking of the Less Fortunate this Holiday SeasonBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternIt's seems like every columnist on the planet feels compelled to write a piece on helping the less fortunate this time of year. Since we don't want to be labeled as insensitive and uncaring, here's our obligatory sappy holiday column on helping mankind.With all the worthwhile charities out there, it wasn't easy picking the one we were going to support. Cancer, diabetes, heart disease, neglected children and abused women are all worthy of our attention. Nevertheless, we decided to go in a different direction than the traditional causes. The disease we chose is rarely talked about. There are no Walkathons or celebrity spokespersons to raise money for the unfortunate afflicted. It's time for us to step up.We are talking about those poor souls that suffer from ATMDS (ATM Deficiency Syndrome). It's very sad to watch these simple people trying to navigate the complex protocols that today's ATM's
2006-11-01 05:47:00 POLITICAL ADVERTISING OVERLOADBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternIt may be different in your state, but here in Illinois the negative political ads are on the air every second of every day, and it's really starting to affect the citizens.Overheard in trafficWoman: You can get in the next lane. It's moving.Man: I'm staying the course.Woman: But this lane is at a standstill.Man: I will not cut and run.Woman: But see that orange flashing light up there…this lane closes in five hundred feet. We need to change course.Man: What kind of a message would that send to the troops repaving this highway?Woman: How about we will not run you over?Man: You'll never understand.Overheard in a couple's master bathroomMan: Honey, can you hand me the toothpaste?Woman: Ray Miller is always looking for a handout.Man: What? I just want to brush my teeth.Woman: Ray Miller. Wrong for America. Wrong for my toothpaste.Overheard in a child's bedroomSon: Mom, can I play on my Gameboy?Mom: Have you finished
2006-12-20 19:03:00 CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 5)By Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternTis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year.We think this one may be the very first Christmas letter, but we're still working on having that verified.Hello family and friends!We hope your winter solstice is going well this year.It's hard to believe that it's been more than thirty years since our boy was born in that manger in Bethlehem. It's a good thing we invested that frankincense, gold and myrrh wisely, because we haven't had a moment's peace since the neighbors started blabb
2006-12-27 07:03:00 "Predictions for 2007"By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern *Number of major league starts by Mark Prior: 6.*Month of Warner Saunders "surprise" retirement announcement at Channel 5: June.*Date of Rod Blagojevich's indictment: November 17.*Number of Calories Nicole Richie will eat in '07. 3400*Number of points Bears lose first playoff game by: 14.*First heart attack—Dick Cheney, Dennis Hastert, or Jim Hendry: Hendry*Who will eat more donuts this year Jim Hendry or Karl Rove: Rove*First celebrity breakup: Jim Carrey & Jenny McCarthy. *Number of Bulls playoff victories: 3 *Month of first story about 40th anniversary of the Summer of Love: February. *Number of joint media appearances by figure skater Sasha Cohen & comedian Sacha Baron Cohen: Zero.*Average number of fans attending White Sox games in May: 18,000. *Date of first Lou Pinella ejection: April 30. *Date Chicago Cubs are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs: September 4.*Amount the Tribune will spend per Cubs win..$2,200
2007-01-03 07:02:00
GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, DENIAL (Part 1)
Episode One of The Bald Handbook
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)
By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross' five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We're also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?
No.
That's why we're going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we're focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as Combovers.
The Combover
While treating amputees during the Civil War, S.Weir Mitchell discovered that many of his patients still had feeling and sensation in their departed limbs. Many of these amputees were so convinced that they sti
2007-01-10 07:03:00 ANSWERING E-MAIL SPAMBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternYou are probably inundated with as much e-mail spam as we are, but you either just delete it, ignore it, or report it as spam to your internet provider.We used to do that. Now we answer them.Dave gets a particular delight in responding to alleged African businessmen scammers. (20/20 did a story about them a few weeks ago). To one scammer who claimed Dave would be receiving $18.5 million for foreign investment, Dave responded with a joke. Instead of ignoring Dave, the scammer responded back. Here are the e-mails that followed in order…(I redacted his last name, but I left all of the grammar and spelling mistakes)Scammer response:"Dear Stern,I got your mail and before I say anything, I would like to correct the impression you already have. I am not joking with my proposal to you, I mean real and genuine transaction and that is why I contacted you for assistance. I appreciate your response. I am entrusting you with confidence based on
2007-01-17 07:03:00 MEDICAL SMALL TALKBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternWhen Rick mentioned an awkward small talk conversation he had with his urologist during his vasectomy procedure (Steve & Garry notebook), he was a little surprised at the reaction it received.Apparently, this sort of thing happens to just about everyone. It may occur during vasectomies, but it happens at other equally embarrassing moments.This column is for our friends in the medical profession. We know you do this sort of work every day so it's no big deal to you. It's only natural to lose sight of the fact that there are times when small talk is not appropriate. We're writing this as a gentle reminder.A loyal reader (who begged us not to use his name) sent this to us. It's his recollection (he called it a transcript) of a recent visit to the doctor's office. He was there for a routine prostate exam.At the doctor's officeDoc: (while putting a rubber glove on his hand) Is your kid still taking piano lessons?Patient: Yes, he rea
2007-01-24 07:03:00 MIDDLE AGED ROAD TRIPBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern & Dane PlackoLet us set the stage.Rick had to go to Memphis for a media conference. He knew that Dave badly needed to get out of town (he has three little girls including twin one-year-olds), and they both knew that fellow college buddy Dane would be game for coming along. So…after getting approval from mildly disapproving spouses…the plans were made for an old fashioned boy's road trip.Of course, it wasn't technically a road trip in the old-fashioned sense of the word. The idea of driving, for instance, was abandoned pretty quickly when Dave and Dane pointed out to the clueless Rick that Memphis was not "about four hours" away from Chicago.Other than that, it was exactly like a traditional hard-core partying road trip…*In the airport, Dane had all of his hair products confiscated by security. Dane, a news reporter, had no idea that these were no longer allowed in carry-on bags. The airport security man was kind enough to
2007-01-25 02:50:00
Responses to Middle Aged Road Trips
"Glad you enjoyed Memphis! Come back soon!"
--Debra Cohen, Memphis Convention and Visitors Bureau
"Thanks for the laughs! You guys got around! You had to have eaten at Dyers for the burgers, that fat is over 100 years old I'm told. I'm hoping that the rude waitress was not a Corky's employee, not a good showing of Southern hospitality. As for the flight attendent's description of the game sounds exactly like I would, I know nothing about football. Thanks for the afternoon amusement!"
--Jan KleinDirector of Mail Order OperationsCorky's BBQ-Memphis
"Sounds like a fabulous adventure. Speaking of Liza Minelli poking someone in the eye, David Gest has a house in Memphis and occasionally goes public with his weirdness. Come back sometime, -- the dog track is expanding and there is plenty more BBQ to be sampled.
--Ken HallMemphis Cotton Museum
"I've been reading your blog and it's very entertaining. The Middle-Aged Road Trip was especially go
2007-01-27 04:19:00
More Responses to Middle Aged Road Trip
"After reading your blog, I have a very vivid image of your trip...Sounds like ya'll had a great time ! Thanks for visiting Pat O's Memphis!--ShellyPat O'Brien's/Memphis
"Sweet. Next time you come let some people know so we can give you some suggestions on where to go besides Beale."--B
"I'm sort of afraid to get old, kinda scary, i'd like to still smoke though, when i'm older."--R
"I enjoyed your writing. Come back soon."--J
"I think ya'll sound like a pretty good bunch of guys, considering you're Yankees and all."--Y
"Dane Placko is a news reporter on the Ch 32 Fox News in Chicago...cool guy. Funny blog! I think I'll take their advice and start looking at life as half emtpy!"--I
2007-01-31 08:01:00 MIDDLE AGE BAND NAMESBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternWhen the NFL announced that Prince was going to be the halftime entertainment for this year's Super Bowl, it made us wonder: Won't he ever graduate to a more age-appropriate rock-and-roll-elder name like "Duke" or "Baron" or "King?"It's time. He's 50 next year.Of course, Prince is just the tip of the misnamed older rocker iceberg. What about the rockers that are ten, twenty, and thirty years older than him? Unfortunately for those guys, there isn't a historical precedence to guide them. Previous generations didn't have to deal with this problem. A generation ago, when a 60 or 70 or 80 year old man was rocking, it was in a chair. Now, it's on a stage with an electric guitar. Should old guys still be allowed to play rock and roll? Of course. However, they really need to think about how it looks, and how it sounds. It's all about image and expectations. The Beach Boys are a perfect example.You must admit you judge the Beach Boys
2007-02-01 18:30:00 Thanks to readers "E" & "T" for contributing the following. We don't know the original sources of either the picture or this piece. If you do, let us know so we can properly attribute.In honor of the Chicago Bears going to Super Bowl XLI. Here are 41things that have changed from the last time the Chicago Bears playedin the Super Bowl (which was Super Bowl XX in 1986):1) Brian Urlacher was in 2nd grade. Rex Grossman was in kindergarten.2) Peyton Manning was 10 years old. Eli Manning was 5 years old.Their dad, Archie, had just retired from the NFL two years earlier.3) Lovie Smith was in his first college coaching job at University ofTulsa .4) Ronald Reagan was the President, and Harold Washington was theMayor. James R. Thompson was the Governor running for re-election andhis office was in the new State of Illinois Center, which is nowcalled the James R. Thompson Center .5) George W. Bush was 39 years old and still drinking. His father would run for President two years later.6) Rod Blago
2007-02-01 16:10:00 Responses to Middle Aged Band Names"What about aging rappers? Tupac (if he were still alive) would become '2 bucks for a cup of coffee?' and Ton Loc would become 'Tone Deaf' and JayZ would become 'Jay Zzzzzzzz.' I don't know about Snoop Dog. Somebody needs to change his diz-iaper."--R "Smashing Pumpkins - You Kids are gonna clean up this messSplit Enz - DependsCars - Revoked LicenseDb's - Turn it downByrds - Early Bird Special"--B"Chuck Berry has a duck-walker."--T"Little Richard might want to go with big fat old Richard. It's not as glitzy, but it's much more accurate."--K"Stray Cats are the Fat Cats. The Fixx is "Don't call the plumber, I can do it myself."--M"Genesis - Revelation surely...? Biblically speaking. The entire concept is, alas, flawed because a Prince does not become a King simply due to the passage oftime..."--GRick & Dave respond: Yes, that's true. It's almost as if we had a concept, and then tried to make it more Super Bowl friendly to increas
Halloween Costume Ideas
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Halloween Costume IdeasBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternIf you're anything like us, every year you get invited to Halloween parties, and every year you back out because you can't be bothered to come up with a costume.That's why we've come up with a list of costumes (for grown-ups) that are topical, timely, and easy to slap together. You can get more elaborate if you want, but let's face it…you really don't want to go to the effort. 1. Dick Cheney's Hunting BuddyFor this costume, you merely need to pull your shirt all the way up over your head so it appears that your head has been shot off, and then wear a hunting vest and carry a shotgun. Sample party comment: "Don't worry, I won't be shooting my mouth off tonight"2. Mark David KarrEveryone's favorite fake murderer will be a big hit this year. All you need is a pair of pants pulled all the way up to your chest, a tucked in polo shirt, and a glassy look in your eyes.Sample party comment: "Shouldn't we wake up Read more:Halloween
, Halloween Costume
"JAIL MUSINGS"
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "JAIL MUSINGS"By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
First things first: neither of us is planning on going to jail. Ever.Have you heard the phrase "he's not built for prison?" That phrase applies to us. We have no desire to join the other fellas in the old cell block dancing to the Jailhouse Rock. It's one of the great motivating factors keeping us from breaking the law. On the other hand, we must admit we've thought about what life would be like behind bars. We've seen enough prison movies and television shows, and read enough stories about what can and often does happen in jail. Plus, with politicians getting indicted left and right this year, it's top of mind. And because we are sick and twisted, our brains have been unable to stop ourselves from considering the following circumstances.1. The last second call from the governorWhat if the phone rang just before the execution, but it wasn't exactly what the prisoner was expecting? (Sfx: Phone ringing)Warden: Hello. Yes, he's
Wedding Registry Tips
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Ste... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Wedding Registry
TipsBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern Both of us are coming up on big anniversaries this year (15 years), and we've been waxing nostalgic about those halcyon days. Young, free, not a care in the world. Ready, willing and able to spend the rest of our lives with the same woman.Neither of us regrets it for a second. We wouldn't change a thing.On the other hand, we wouldn't do it again for all the tea in China. Planning a wedding isn't exactly a great experience. Inevitably some trivial disagreement will blow up into something legendary. For Rick it was a big argument with his mother about the color of the napkins at the reception. If you ever run into Dave and his wife, mention their wedding photographer and sparks will fly. Let's face it, everyone has something about his or her wedding that was a complete disaster.The only wedding experience that we'd repeat is registering for gifts. Registering for wedding gifts can be very exciting because it doesn't seem real...
"21st Century Superheroes"
By Rick Kaempfer & ... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "21st CenturySuperheroes
"By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern20th Century superheroes were larger than life. They had superhuman strength, rescued damsels in distress, and stopped bullets with their bare hands.In the 21st century we're not so worried about the Nazi's, the Commies, or Super-villains anymore. We're more worried about getting through everyday life. That's why we strongly recommend the cartoonists of America scale the superheroes waaaaaay back. Less is more. We'll get you started. Here are nine free ideas.* 1. Generation X-ManThis tech-savvy superhero will be able to tell you how to use all of the features on your digital cellular phone. After Generation X-Man saves the day, your phone will ring to Beethoven's 9th Symphony, your internet hookup will be accessible, and your phone-photos will be organized so your wife can't find the pictures you took at the mall.2. Wine-der WomanThe most attractive of the superheroes instinctively knows when she is needed. Say your boss
"Middle Age Nursery Rhymes"
By Rick Kaempfer & Da... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "Middle AgeNurseryRhymes
"By Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternAs parents of young children, we have to read the original versions of the following nursery rhymes all the time. They were no longer speaking to our generation, so we've updated them. Feel free to contribute some of your own.Humpty Dumpty put up dry wall,Humpty Dumpty tried to install,All the kings ransom soon left his house,And Humpty was left with a told-you-so spouseOne, two, it must be the flu,Three, four, your body is sore,Five, six, your stomach kicks,Seven, eight, something you ate?Nine, ten, pregnant again.Middle Aged Horner sat in the cornerEating his Christmas pie,His stomach went numb, so he ate some TumsAnd ruined his diverticuliJack was nimble, Jack was quickJack bent over and slipped a diskOld Billy Joel,Ran into a poll,And registered 1.3,He called up his guy,For his third DUI,And Old Billy Joel copped a pleaLittle US worker showed up for work on timeDevoted all those years and the ladder he did climbThen corporate
"Pabst is Back! We blame ourselves"
By Rick Kaem... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "Pabst is Back! We blame ourselves
"By Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternYou read that right. Pabst Blue Ribbon is now a very popular brand of beer. It's our fault, too. We failed an entire generation of Americans. We just assumed that no one needed to be told anymore. We didn't even worry about kids discovering Pabst because surely the liquor store owner or barkeep would fill them in at the point of purchase."Um, son," he would say, "You know you're buying Pabst, right?""Yeah, why?""We haven't sold any since 1979""So?""It tastes like carbonated urine""So?""Just say the word Pabst""Pabst""Now make the sound you make when you're vomiting""Pabst"If only that conversation had actually occurred. Think about it, baby boomers. We didn't even mention Pabst Beer for an entire generation because we thought it was so obviously bad that no-one would dare make the mistake of buying it. That was our mistake. If you haven't noticed, the kids tod
GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--DENIAL (Part 2)
By Da... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--DENIAL (Part 2)By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross' five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We're also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us? No.That's why we're going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we're focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as Bald "Cures"Tools of the trade"There's a sucker born every minute" --P.T. BarnumGrasping at straws and the few hairs that are left, balding men have succumbed, and purchased the following foolish gimmicks...Hot Head (US Patent 6,024,100 / Issued 2000)Heading our list is somethi Read more:GRIEVING
By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern
Here's a ques... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern
Here's a question for you lovebirds who have been married for a long time: Have you renewed your vows yet?If you haven't, you might be a little surprised at the refreshing honesty expressed during the renewal vows these days. They use an entirely different script than they used for the original vows.Your good friends at Half Empty have managed to acquire a copy. We're printing the script here so that you can mentally prepare yourself for the big day.RENEWAL OF MARRIAGE VOWS FOR COUPLES MARRIED MORE THAN TEN YEARSClergy: Do you (insert husband's name), promise to… step over the laundry basket instead of carrying it up the stairs, wipe up spills with your socks, use the imaginary brakes when she drives, never replace a toilet paper roll, push crumbs under the fridge rather than pick them up, pretend to listen with an uncanny ability to nod at the appropriate times, remember nothing—ever, never find anything even if it's in front of your face,
Responses to "Renewing of Marriage Vows"
"Ha ha ... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Responses to "Renewing of Marriage Vows""Ha ha ha, pretty funny! My husband and I are celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary in Las Vegas in May! Can't wait. Considering a Elvis vow renewal ceremony so this would fit right in. Thanks for the post and the laugh!"--A"My wife and I loved your marriage renewal column. Totally the anti-Valentine's Day with love, if that's possible."--R"You dudes are cynical. Love it."--O"We're really gonna use these. Our anniversary is in three weeks and we're going to Hawaii--and I convinced my husband to do it--but only if we use sarcastic vows like this. Thanks!"--S"thats totally my parents. oh lord they have been married 20+ years. its onlygonna get worse. hahahaha i cant wait!"--T"love the pushing the crumbs under the fridge bit"--C "i laughed out loud! zomg!!"--BRick and Dave respond: Thanks. Um...can we have a translator help us on that last one?
MOVIE RENTAL TIPS FOR WIVES
By Rick Kaempfer & D... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 MOVIE RENTAL TIPS FOR WIVESBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternWhenever the Oscars come around we are reminded of two things. 1) No one has the right to wear shoes worth more than the combined worth of our two homes.2) Our only hope of seeing a movie we actually want to see is by uttering the following phrase: "I'll go to Blockbuster, thanks."Our wives often volunteer to run this errand for us, but history shows that they are completely unable to choose a film worth watching. Most DVD boxes have gigantic flashing red lights saying "DO NOT RENT THIS MOVIE!", but our wives don't see those lights.We figured that our wives may not be the only wives that don't see the lights, so we've volunteered to spell it out more clearly on behalf of husbands everywhere. No need to thank us. This is another free service of Half Empty.Ladies--when you see the following types of movies, keep walking...Disease Movies - A movie about cancer? DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. Do you really consider this appropriate Sat
MIDDLE AGED VANITY PLATES
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 MIDDLE AGED VANITY PLATESBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern"Yah. Say, Lou, ya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates, so he went and changed his name to J2L 4685?"-Marge (In Fargo)When you drive about a million miles a week hauling your kids to swimming, soccer, day care, school, ballet, play dates, karate and more like we do, you end up seeing quite a few vanity plates. We’ve noticed one disturbing trend, however. Not nearly enough of "our kind" (middle aged people) are indulging in the vanity plates fad. It may be because of a lack of vanity, or it may be because we're too busy to come up with creative plates appropriate for our age bracket.With that in mind, we've done the heavy lifting for you. Feel free to steal any of the following...If you suffer from an NLG-PRS8 you probably will URN8-3XPM. So you should probably PB4U-ZZZ. If you’re still PSNG-OF10 you should CA-PDR. In either case you will probably get a PROS8-XAM which WL-SUK. If people call you
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