Owner: Half Empty URL:http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Wed, 13 Dec 2006 17:00:43 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn your frown upside down, but you might pull a muscle.
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2007-10-03 00:03:00 GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, DEPRESSION, Part 2By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us? No.That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we conclude the toughest stage of all--Depression.Words of ComfortWhile mired in depression, comfort is an elusive lady indeed. Luckily for us, many of the greatest poets of all-time were our people. From William Shakespeare to Rudyard Kipling to E.E. Cummings to Ogden Nash to James Taylor, our people have been waxing poetic. While none of these greats e
2007-10-10 00:01:00 CUBS YIN AND YANGBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternIt's one thing to say that somebody hates the Cubs. It's another thing to get him to write down his thoughts during the game to expose hate for what it really is. That's why (Cubs fan) Rick asked (White Sox fan) Dave to sit down with notebook in hand, and without couching his thoughts to make himself look better, write down what he was really thinking during the Cubs playoff games this year.Dave's Notes: Game 1*Before the first pitch we already see some frat boy Cub fan waving on a cell phone. “Hey, Thumb look at me I’m on TV”*First pitch Soriano sees he grounds out to third. Nice leadoff discipline which will be on display for the next 7 years.*Ex Sox factor, Chris Young. If he helps beat the Cubs, Kenny Williams pulled off another great trade.*Right before the start of the second inning, TBS advertised their Spanish language broadcast feature. The graphic “SAP” was displayed right under an image of a group of yahoo Cub fans.
2007-10-17 00:02:00 ADDING YEARS TO YOUR LIFEBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternThis year both of us turned 44, and quite frankly, we’re getting a little worried. Let’s just say that neither of us are exactly in the greatest shape, and both of our fathers died young. We’re peeling off years at an alarming rate and we need to do something about it…and fast!There are two possible solutions. 1) Exercise, eat right and do yoga. 2) The Rick and Dave solution.The pundits will have you believe that the first choice is the most prudent option. Try it if you like, but at best, you'll add five, six, maybe eight years to your life. Big deal. That's maybe one Cubs playoff appearance, if you're lucky. That's not the Rick and Dave way. We’re overachievers. We need more. With the Rick and Dave solution, you can add decades or more to your life.How do we do it? We lie to ourselves.Self-deception is not a half-hearted pastime. Simply saying: “Age is only a state of mind” or “Look at John Glenn! He went up i
2007-10-24 00:03:00 HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS FOR GROWN-UPSBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternIt's time once again for our annual Halloween costume tips. Here are ten simple, inexpensive costume ideas for grown ups ripped out of this year's headlines.1. Senator Larry CraigSimple costume. Bald wig, business suit, toilet paper stuck to shoe. When sitting, using a really, really, wide stance.Sample party comment: "I loooove this mauve couch, er, uh, I mean, how 'bout them Bears?"2. Lisa NowakWear a flight suit/jump suit, a NASA baseball hat, and groan inappropriately.Sample party comment: "Oh, is there a line waiting to get in the bathroom? Hadn't noticed."3. Mark PriorAll that's necessary is a #22 Cubs jersey, a Cubs hat, and a sling for your arm.Sample party comment: "I would have had this at my house, but my doctor told me not to 'throw' a party at all this off-season."4. George Bush 2005-2007Write the numbers 2005-2007 on the forehead of your George Bush mask, then tape a picture of Alberto Gonzales on th
2007-10-31 00:05:00 BAD LUCKBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternDave has twin 2-year old daughters and a five year old daughter. His wife travels quite a bit for work, so he actually watches them most of the time. During the rare moments when he gets to run errands on days his wife is at home, he has run into an incredible streak of bad luck. The simplest errands turn into lengthy debacles.1. Picking up the Pizza: One hourYes, it's silly to pay for delivery when you live that close to the pizza place. No, he didn't get flipped off by old ladies because he was driving sooooooo slow. He just had bad luck.2. Grocery Shopping: Two hoursYes, the grocery store is only a few miles away. No, he didn't listen to the traffic report to see what was the most horrible route, take that route, and then read the labels of every can of beans in the store after he got there. He just had bad luck.3. Doctor's Appointment: Three hoursYes, the doctor's office was crowded, and you just never know how long it will take sometimes.
2007-11-07 00:00:00 GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, STAGE 5 ACCEPTANCE, PART 1By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us? No.That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we begin the final stage, Acceptance. You've come a long way baby. Take a look at where you can go from here. You need look no further than the few periods in history when Fullheads did not rule the world.Denial was just a River in EgyptWhen we talk about Ancient Egypt, we’re really talking about the years between 2900 B.C. and 300 B.C. That
2007-11-14 00:03:00 TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGHS IN BREAKUPSBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternA story in the news a few weeks ago caught our attention. A woman decided to get back at her ex-boyfriend by putting a picture of his wife and her phone number on "adult" websites. Sure, she was arrested for harassment, but you have to give her credit for her creativity.It got us to thinking about the ways breaking up has changed over the past few years thanks to technology. The whole dynamic is different now. You can judge for yourself if the new dynamic is better, worse, or about the same. Then: Put all of her pictures in a pile, and set them on fire; watching her face melt, blacken, turn into ash, and evaporate into dust. Now: Click, highlight, and delete her photos from your hard-drive. Then: Driving past his house and throwing microwaved tomatoes at it. Now: Sending a digital photo to his cell-phone—of you giving him the finger. Then: Having to make one last visit to her apartment to get all your records back. N
2007-11-28 00:06:00 NUDITY!By Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternWe've been writing "Half Empty" for almost two years now, and have been tracking which columns seem to strike a nerve, and which columns get the most "hits" and/or "unique visitors." We can tell when we strike a nerve because we get lots of feedback. Clearly our pieces about the Cubs, our middle aged road trip, and Nigerian spamming have gotten the most feedback.But which column has the most hits and unique visitors by far? This column about men in showers.We'd like to think it's because we were so funny or clever, but we know the real reason. It's because people (and we're going to go out on a limb here and guess 'gay men') are Googling "Men in Showers."We've learned a valuable lesson here.That's why we will never write a column about NUDE MEN. That would be wrong. And we'll never write a column about HOT NUDE MEN. That would be a cynical ploy to move up the Google rankings, something we would never do. The only thing worse than that wou
2007-12-04 22:07:00 GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--THE FINAL STAGE, ACCEPTANCEBy Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us? No.That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we present the second and final part of the final stage, Acceptance. The Thirty Year Plan “Bobby Knight told me this; he said there is nothing that a good defense that…uh… can not beat a better offense. In other words, a good offense wins.”--Dan QuayleThe Fullhead former Vice President has it all right there in his jumbled attempt at exp
2007-12-18 21:47:00 OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?By Dave SternIf they had an America's Funniest Catholic Home Videos show there is no doubt Rick would win the $10,000 grand prize.Scene: The inside of a Wheaton church, at a typical Catholic wedding where an extremely young looking Rick and Bridget were professing their love for one another. The groomsmen were standing in front, waiting for the open bar, when the priest offered the host to the congregation. After a few seconds of nudging from the second groomsman, the first groomsman tentatively approached the father where he received the holy sacrament. The groomsman took the wafer, sheepishly turned around and stuck it in the front pocket of his rented tux.You would think that they would have gone over this little ritual with the Jewish guy standing up, wouldn't you? What are rehearsal dinners for? Alas, they didn't, and for the remainder of the night I had to answer the question, "Hey Dave, is that the body of Christ in your pocket or are you
2007-12-11 22:52:00 CHRISTMAS FORM LETTER GREATEST HITS, PART 1By Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternTis the season for Christmas form letters, and once again your friends at Half Empty have managed to secure some of the greatest Christmas form letters of all-time. Between now and Christmas we'll feature a few of our favorites. This week's entry was sent out 99 years ago, just before Christmas 1908.Dear Friends and Family,1908 sure has been a big year for the Chance family. Frank and his boys in Chicago managed to win yet another World Series!I know what you're thinking: Doesn't it get old, winning so much, so often? Frank says he can't get enough of it, but to be honest it has been a little hectic around the house. Maybe next year the boys can let someone else have a chance. (No pun intended…OK, pun intended)I know a wife shouldn't complain, but have you ever been to the Catskills in October? It's really the best time of year to go, but because Frank has such a booked October schedule every year, we jus
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