Owner: Half Empty URL:http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Wed, 13 Dec 2006 17:00:43 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn your frown upside down, but you might pull a muscle.
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GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--DENIAL (Part 3)
By Da... 2007-03-07 07:03:00 GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--DENIAL (Part 3)By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us? No.That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as: Plugs and PiecesPlugs: Fun with Self Mutilation“They made it sound so easy. How was I supposed to know that drilling 10,000 little holes in my head would be dangerous?”---Nicholas C.“I did it so I could swim better.”--- Jack S.Check any phone book and you’ll see dozens of hair Read more:GRIEVING
THE HIDDEN MEANINGS OF FLOWERS
By Rick Kaempfer &... 2007-03-14 06:03:00 THE HIDDEN MEANINGS OF FLOWERSBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternRemember when flowers were considered the perfect gift for women? You could get them for your wife, your mother, your female friends, or your female co-workers—and nobody thought a thing of it—other than “Awwww. That’s so thoughtful.”Those days are over. If you haven’t bought flowers for a woman lately, you’ve missed a complete transformation of flower society. Flowers are still considered a perfect gift, but now they are too perfect. Man: I like to buy some red roses please.Florist: Oh your wife will love these.Man: It’s not for my wife.Florist: Your girlfriend?Man: No…a co-worker.Florist: Do you want her to be your girlfriend?Man: No...Florist: Oh dear.Man: What?Florist: Red roses mean love.Man: Oh. Sorry. Make it pink roses then.Florist: Excellent choice. Would you like a soft gentle pink or a deeper pink?Man: Um….Florist: Deeper pink conveys a message of gratitude.Man: Well…I’m getting her flowers b
SOMEONE WATCHING OVER YOU
By Rick Kaempfer & Dav... 2007-03-21 06:03:00 SOMEONE WATCHING OVER YOUBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternNot to be a bummer, but both of us are members of the dead parents club. Dave lost his father when he was only 13, and Rick lost his father when he was 25.In other words, it’s been awhile.When you lose a close family member, it’s really comforting to feel like they are watching over you, helping you through the tough times, and picking you up when you fall down.On the other hand, do we really want them watching over us all the time?Think about it. For every one moment you feel them helping you, how many moments do you want them to look away? For us the ratio is about 1:50. So what can you do when you don't want them to watch? Is there any way to distract someone in heaven? Try it.“Hey Dad! Look behind you there! Is that John Wayne?”That didn't work, did it? Maybe it's not such a great idea to have them watching over us all the time.A fellow dead parents club friend of ours has a slightly different theory. He believes that
MIDWEST LAWS QUIZ
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
... 2007-03-28 07:03:00 MIDWEST LAWS QUIZBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
How well do you know the laws in the midwest? Take our handy "Midwest Laws" quiz. Those of you that don't live in Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, or Wisconsin can be forgiven for not performing well on this quiz...the rest of you have no excuse. Let's begin.1. AnimalsWhich of the following Animal Laws is NOT an actual law somewhere in Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin or Michigan?A) You may not make faces at dogsB) You may not catch a fish with your bare handsC) You may not make a monkey smoke a cigaretteD) You may not “worry” a squirrelE) You may not make balloon animals that are “anatomically correct”2. “Adult Relations”Which of the following “Adult Relations” Laws is NOT an actual law somewhere in Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin or Michigan?A) You may not have “adult relations” while hunting or fishing on your wedding dayB) You may not seduce or corrupt (“have adult relations with”) an unmarried girlC) You may be arrested
GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS-- DENIAL (Part 4)
By ... 2007-04-04 07:03:00 GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS-- DENIAL (Part 4)By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us? No.That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as: Isolation.You’re Not the FirstIsolation seems like such a logical solution to the problem of hair loss, but we have to believe that anyone who chooses it hasn’t really thought through the process. History is strewn with men who believed that isolation was the only answer. The JewsY Read more:GRIEVING
I SWEAR I DON'T HATE THE WHITE SOX...
By Rick Ka... 2007-04-11 07:03:00 I SWEAR I DON'T HATE THE WHITE SOX...By Rick KaempferI actually grew up liking the White Sox.I always preferred the Cubs, but I never understood why it was necessary to also hate the White Sox, so I didn’t.That changed in October of 1984. I was 21 years old at the time, a college junior, living in an apartment at the University of Illinois. Most of my friends, including the guy who normally writes this column with me (Dave Stern), were Sox fans. At first, their petty jealousy about the Cubs' drive toward the World Series didn’t bother me. I thought it was a little pathetic that they couldn’t let it go around me—-especially since I was rooting for the White Sox the previous year when they were in the playoffs—-but I figured, consider the source.I hadn’t counted on Steve Garvey.For those of you who don’t remember what happened that year, the Cubs were up 2 games to zip over the San Diego Padres. They only needed to win one more game to go the World Series, and they had th
"I SWEAR I DON'T HATE THE CUBS..."
By Dave Stern... 2007-04-18 07:03:00 "I SWEAR I DON'T HATE THE CUBS..."By Dave Stern
If the Cubs played the Nazis I’d root for the Nazis.I can hear Harry and Steve’s call right now:Harry: Two outs bottom of the ninth and the Cubs are up by three. George Gobel digs in at the plate.Steve: Actually Harry, the batter’s name is Joseph Goebbels. George Gobel was an American born comedian who starred on the Hollywood Squares in the seventies. Joseph Goebbels is the fine Nazi 3rd Baseman who also runs their PR department.Harry: Rick Sutcliffe on the mound.Steve: Ironically, Sutcliffe’s nickname is the “Red Baron”.Harry: Goering on third, the evasive Eichmann on second and Albert Speer on first. You know Steve, Speer backwards is Reeps. The wind up and the pitch. Goebbels hits a deep drive into center. This could go. It might be, it could be, it is! The Nazis have beaten the Cubs in the bottom of the ninth. Steve: The team is mobbing Goebbels as he crosses the plate. They sure have an odd way of high fiving.I was diffe
COMMUNITY SHOWERS
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
... 2007-04-19 23:16:00 COMMUNITY SHOWERSBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
Concerned reader “B” writes:“Do you belong to a gym?I have this one pet peeve that has really been bothering me lately.I have spent my entire life trying to keep men from being behind me when I am naked. When I get out of the shower at the gym and am drying off, guys will often walk past me on their way to the shower. Most will walk in front of me, but some insist on walking behind me.Being naked and sometimes bending over to dry various body parts, I find it disturbing to have a naked man behind me when I am at my most vulnerable. To combat this, I try standing closer to the wall so that they will walk in front of me. Sometimes even this doesn’t work.Naked guy literally has to turn sideways to get through when there is 10 feet of open space in front of me. WTF!Also, when I am naked, don’t talk to me. Some guy said something to me while I was in the shower at the gym. Of course I couldn’t hear him because I was in the shower.
"GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, STAGE 2 (Anger)"
B... 2007-05-02 06:43:00 "GRIEVING
FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, STAGE 2 (Anger)"By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us? No.That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 2 Anger, first apologizing for those who have displayed this bald anger before, then beginning to offer some tips on where the Stage 2 man should direct his anger.Why are you so upset?“I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore”--Peter Finch, “Network”Fullheads always ask bald people why we’re so upset
THE AMERICAN DREAM
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern... 2007-05-09 08:35:00 THE AMERICAN DREAMBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
What is the American dream? If you work hard, and go the extra mile, your loyalty and diligence will be rewarded. Sounds great, doesn’t it?Unfortunately, in this largely unregulated free market era, nearly every industry has become dominated by huge corporations. Once you work for one of these soulless, faceless giants, the American dream doesn’t really apply anymore.People can reward loyalty, diligence and hard work; corporations cannot. To a corporation, a worker is an expense. When it’s time to cut expenses, (and it will always eventually be time to cut expenses), loyalty, diligence and hard work rarely enter the equation. This is why Wall Street gets a boner when a corporation announces mass layoffs. Bye, bye expenses.It’s nothing personal. It’s just business.The person who rises to the top of this sort of business has to be cold, calculating, and detached in order to maximize profits. He must see the worker as a meaningless
MOUNT RUSHMORE
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
... 2007-05-16 06:32:00 MOUNT RUSHMOREBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
Let us put men and women together, see which one is smarter,Some say men, but I say no, women got the men like a puppet show.It ain’t me it’s the people that say, men are leading women astray,I say, it’s the women today, smarter than the men in every way,That’s right the women are smarter, the women are smarter that’s right."Men Smart, Women Smarter" by the Grateful DeadWe admit it. Our wives are smarter than us. In fact, we have no problem with it. There is very little downside. We aren’t asked our opinion on important stuff. When the computer is broken we don’t have to fix it. When our kids have homework, they insist on helping. Sadly, we also have to admit that our sisters are smarter than us too. Both of them graduated Magna Cum Laude, while we graduated Magna Cum Lucky. Both of them were some sort of “dictatorian” in high school. Both of them left high paying jobs in the private sector so they could give back to the comm
21st Century Dioramas
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave St... 2007-05-23 00:09:00 21st Century
DioramasBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternYou remember the diorama, those mini landscapes in a shoebox that you were forced to build for school? Sadly, the technological revolution has all but killed our pal. Inexplicably, kids these days don’t enjoy pipe cleaners, crepe paper, glue and little plastic horses as much as we did. They still have to do dioramas, but they don’t revel in them because they’d rather do projects on their fancy-schmancy computers. This has got to end. That’s why we’ve created a couple of easy to build dioramas that will make the diorama more relevant for today’s kids. Unplug the Play Stations, turn off the iPods and grab the kids, it’s time for some family fun Half Empty style.1) Paris Hilton’s Adventure (supplies needed: shoebox, 1 toothpick, 1 marshmallow, 10 pipe cleaners and “Cellmate Barbie”)Create Paris by inserting toothpick into marshmallow (the marshmallow is her head). Arrange and glue pipe cleaners to form a jail cell. P
"ODE TO A CIGAR"
This is an excerpt of ... 2007-05-30 00:03:00 "ODE TO A CIGAR"This is an excerpt of an article that also appears in the June issue of SHORE MAGAZINE. By Rick Kaempfer“Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.”--George BurnsThere is something about smoking a good cigar. It’s really more than just a smoke. A good cigar smoked with respect and care can take an hour or more to finish. It’s not for someone who is in a hurry. It’s not for someone who can’t sit still. It’s not for someone who can’t stop and smell the…cigar smoke.A cigar is a chance to get away from the hustle and bustle, a chance to relax. No Blackberries or cellular phones allowed. Simply light up, sit back, and….aaah yes. This is living.**The surgeon general actually warns that if you smoke too many of them, you won’t be living.Cigar EtiquetteBefore I went to Glorioso Cigar Club in Hobart/Merrillville, I studied up on my cigar etiquette. I love an occasion
Grieving for your hair loss, Stage 2 Anger (Part ... 2007-06-06 00:04:00 Grieving for your hair loss, Stage
2 Anger (Part 2)By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us? No.That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 2 Anger, but we're doing much more than that. We're telling who to hate, why to hate them, and what to do about it.Pop HateThis stage won’t last forever—you have to hate while the hating is good.We’ve tried to isolate the most heinous examples of fullhead taunters and give you tips for things you can say if you ever
TALKING 'BOUT OUR GENERATION
By Rick Kaempfer & ... 2007-06-13 00:03:00 TALKING 'BOUT OUR GENERATIONBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternThere is a 97 % chance that if you’re talking to someone in our parent’s generation you’ll be called a sissy. We’re constantly being reminded that they had a World War to fight, polio to overcome and Russians to hate, while our pansy asses didn’t. Their generation was shaped by catastrophic world events and ours was shaped by Nintendo. Well, it’s time to set the record straight. We haven’t had it so easy, and we know a thing or two about world events. In fact, our lives have been more interesting than theirs and our hardships have been greater. Dave’s Mom shook Mussolini’s hand once. Rick met Jose Cardenal at Jewel.During a 1941 war rally in Berlin, Dave’s Mom shook the hand of Mussolini, while Adolph Hitler was 3 feet away. There were no words spoken between them and it’s doubtful the Duce even noticed. On the other hand, Rick met Cub great Jose Cardenal at Jewel, shook his hand and had a 2 minute conversa
CUBS VERSUS SOX
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
... 2007-06-20 00:05:00 CUBS VERSUS SOXBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
The Cubs/Sox Crosstown Series hits U.S. Cellular Field this weekend.Dave is a life-long White Sox fan and hates the Cubs. Rick is a life-long Cubs fan and hates the Sox. Or do we? Read the following pieces and you'll understand what we really hate...Rick: "I swear I don't hate the Sox"Dave: "I swear I don't hate the Cubs
GIVING BACK TO OUR UNIVERSITY
By Rick Kaempfer & ... 2007-06-27 00:06:00 GIVING BACK TO OUR UNIVERSITYBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternAs university graduates, we are constantly bombarded by our alma mater with phone and mail requests to contribute money to the cause of higher learning.This year we’re going to contribute something even better. If modern day students are anything like we were, they will appreciate these gifts far more than money. A box will be arriving in Champaign-Urbana shortly with the following items...Our Smith CoronaYou’ve probably heard about Rick’s “Portrait of an Artist who uses run-on sentences” English 106 paper or Dave’s “The bells are ringing, Pavlov” Psych 100 paper. We can’t give you the reports themselves because that would encourage plagiarism. We can, however, donate the typewriter that punched out those magical “A+” papers one letter, backspace, whiteout, blow on the whiteout, type the correct letter, at a time. Our AlbumsBetween the two of us we’ve accumulated over 1000 albums. In this collection of al
GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, STAGE 3 BARGAINING (... 2007-07-11 00:02:00 GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, STAGE 3 BARGAINING (Part 1)By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us? No.That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 3: Bargaining.“Regrets, I have a ton”After you’ve come through the rage, and you begin realizing what awaits you, it’s only natural to start lamenting the times you’ve taken your hair for granted. You’ll also think about the times you may have inadvertently caused the hair loss by your reckless behavior. Don Read more:GRIEVING
MORE FUN WITH PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR
By Ri... 2007-07-11 00:06:00 MORE FUN WITH PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIORBy Rick Kaempfer and Dave SternA few weeks ago we gave you some tips for how to annoy your boss by using passive aggressive behavior. That inspired the following e-mail...Dear Rick and Dave,I really enjoyed your column about aggravating your boss. The problem is, I’m only at work 40 – 50 hours a week, how can I needle other people in my down time? –BWe’re glad you asked, B. Since neither of us work in a traditional office setting anymore, we have been forced to hone our passive-aggressive skills elsewhere. Here are a few:-The cashierWhen paying, give them odd amounts of currency. For example, if the bill comes to $7.89 give them $13.62. It’s great fun watching their brows furrow as they punch the figure into the cash register. Then be very deliberate and slow counting your change. Not only will you aggravate them, but the people behind you too, it’s win-win.-Secondary users of your vehicleIf you’re married, chances are that from ti
QUESTIONS ABOUT THE WORLD SERIES BOUND CHICAGO CU... 2007-07-25 00:03:00 QUESTIONS ABOUT THE WORLD SERIES BOUND CHICAGO CUBSBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternAs you may or may not realize, the Chicago Cubs are the hottest team in baseball. After a slow start, they have surged to within a few games of division leading Milwaukee. Anyone who has lived in Chicago for a long time knows what is going to happen next.The Cubs are going to win it all this year.Because it’s been a little while since this last occurred, many of our Chicago readers have been writing us with their questions. We don’t have room to answer all of them here today, but we’ll try to get through them before the parade in November.“D” writes: “I’m getting a little nervous about all this World Series talk. Are we putting the cart before the horse?”R&D: That phrase might have meant something the last time the Cubs won the World Series, but don’t forget that cars have been invented since then. Horses and carts are nowhere near as popular as they were the last time the Cubs won it all.
GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS,
STAGE 3 BARGAINING ... 2007-08-01 00:03:00 GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, STAGE 3 BARGAINING (Part 2)By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us? No.That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re concluding Stage 3: Bargaining.Putting together a deal for GodAs you put together your proposal for Him to bargain your way out of baldness, it might behoove you to make sure that you’re speaking to the correct Him via the correct religion. What is the correct religion? Well, we aren’t exactly qualified to tell you that. However, we Read more:GRIEVING
CUBS ANSWER MAN RETURNS
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave S... 2007-08-08 00:03:00 CUBS ANSWER MAN RETURNSBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternLast month we answered some of your questions about the upcoming Chicago Cubs World Series. Since that original column, we've gotten many more questions. We don’t have room to answer all of them here today, but we’ll try to get through them before the parade in November.“A" writes: OK, I’m getting a little nervous here. There are way too many people who have heard me say that I would give my left nut for a Cubs World Series Championship. If they win it, do I have any legal recourse to protect my left nut?R&D: No, sorry, you don’t. Don’t feel bad though. Not everybody has nuts. For instance, Almond Joy’s got nuts. Mounds don’t.“J” writes: My grandfather came home from the big war too late to see the Cubs play in the World Series the last time they were there. I’d like to take him this year, but my question is this: Which possible rival has the most Japanese players? It would have extra special meaning for Gramps
MIDDLE AGED ROAD TRIP
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Ste... 2007-08-15 00:03:00 MIDDLE AGED ROAD TRIPBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern & Dane Placko Because tomorrow is the 30th anniversary of Elvis' death, we're re-running the piece about our recent trip to Memphis. We hope you enjoy it.Let us set the stage.Rick had to go to Memphis for a media conference. He knew that Dave badly needed to get out of town (he has three little girls including twin one-year-olds), and they both knew that fellow college buddy Dane would be game for coming along. So…after getting approval from mildly disapproving spouses…the plans were made for an old fashioned boy’s road trip.Of course, it wasn’t technically a road trip in the old-fashioned sense of the word. The idea of driving, for instance, was abandoned pretty quickly when Dave and Dane pointed out to the clueless Rick that Memphis was not “about four hours” away from Chicago.Other than that, it was exactly like a traditional hard-core partying road trip…*In the airport, Dane had all of his hair products confiscated
2007-08-18 13:35:00 THE CUB ANSWER MEN RETURN (AGAIN)By Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternNow that the Cubs have actually been in first place during August, the Cubs answer men are getting flooded with questions about the upcoming Chicago Cubs World Series. We don’t have room to answer all of them here today, but we’ll try to get through them before the parade in November."Q" writes: I know the first Model T was released one week before the last Cubs World Series championship. Did this have any effect on the attendance at the 1908 Series?R & D: Nah. There wasn't any parking in the neighborhood then either."F" writes: "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" was written the year the Cubs last won the World Series. When we win it again this year, will it be replaced by a song from this year?R & D: It has to be. After all, a growing number of children have peanut (and cracker-jack) allergies."C" writes: The Cubs were in the World Series during Prohibition (1929). What did they serve at the concession stands that year?R &
2007-08-29 00:03:00 WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS ABOUT YOUBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternIt's big news in Chicago that Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs smashed up his $350,000 Lamborghini, and fled the scene of the accident. News reports have been speculating why he left the car there, but we have a deeper question.What kind of a man spends $350,000 on a car? Let's just say that without even meeting him in the locker room after a shower, we can tell you a "little" bit about him, and why he feels he needs to overcompensate.But then again, we're gifted "car personality-ologists." Of course, anybody can identify the personality of a Lamborghini driver. We can do so much more. Take a look at the different types of cars below and find the kind of car you drive. We’ve tried to isolate one or two things we already know about you when we see you stepping out of that car. We make no judgment on whether any of these things are good or bad.ACURA—You have at least two words in your vocabulary that most typical Americ
2007-09-11 21:54:00 HOW DO YOU MEASURE GREATNESS?By Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternHow do you measure greatness?It seems like such a subjective thing, but we have formulated a foolproof fact-based accounting method that can take the guesswork out of the equation.According to our calculations, today (September 12, 2007) we will both officially surpass the talented actor/comedian John Candy.That’s no small feat, but we’ve been surpassing some of the all-time greats over the last few decades, so we’ve really gotten used to it.In 1981, we surpassed King Tut.In 1987, we put James Dean in our rear-view mirror.In the 1990s, we dusted guitarist Jimi Hendrix (’90), composer Stephen Foster (’94), actor John Belushi (’96), and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (’98).We really got serious about moving beyond the all-time greats at the turn of the century.According to our calculations, we have bested Lou Gehrig (2001), King Louis XVI of France (2002), Martin Luther King Jr. (2003), John Lennon (2004), and last year we
2007-09-04 23:02:00 GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, STAGE 4 DEPRESSION (Part 1)By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us? No.That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we begin the toughest stage of all--Depression.Historical DepressionWhen we meet our balding brothers struggling through the depths of Stage 4, the question they most often ask us is this: How long will this last?We wish we had an easy “one size fits all” answer to that question, but it has varied throughout history. It could take you quite
2007-09-26 11:10:00 CUBS ANSWER MEN, Part 4By Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternThe last two months we've been answering some of your questions about the upcoming Chicago Cubs World Series. Since that original column, we've gotten many more questions. We don’t have room to answer all of them here today, but we’ll try to get through them before the parade in November."L" writes: I'm starting to get a little worried. What if God doesn't want the Cubs to win. What kind of wrath or vengeance should we expect?R&D: Nothing happened when the Red Sox won it in 2004...except for another Bush presidency. And nothing happened during 2005 when the White Sox won it..except for that one tiny little hurricane that devastated an entire American city. We have absolutely nothing to worry about."F" writes: When the Cubs go to the World Series will Illinois Governor/Cubs Fan Blagojevic throw out the first pitch, or will it be Chicago Mayor/Sox fan Richard Daley?R&D: Neither one of them will risk becoming such an easy target
2007-09-19 00:07:00 HOW TO MAKE A GERMAN LAUGHBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave SternBecause we we were both raised by German immigrants, during Oktoberfest season we're often asked to help explain our German comrades. The most common question we hear is this: How do you make a German laugh? We’ve never had a good answer for that. We’ve always known what doesn’t work. Sarcasm and irony, for instance, are both completely out of the question. After all, psychologists have even stopped using ink blots with Germans because they always identified the pictures as…”inkblots.”Germans are efficient, punctual and practical, but let’s face it; they aren’t funny.After 40 plus years of trying, we finally had an epiphany. What if we used one of the words that best describes Germans (practical), and applied that to our attempts at humor?Germans must love practical jokes, right?That’s why we have developed a series of German practical jokes that can be fun for you and your whole German family. Feel free to use a
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