Owner: frumstepper URL:http://frumstepper.blogspot.com Join Date: Sat, 20 Oct 2007 19:28:38 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: A Frum (Jewish) Twelve Stepper (12 steps) writes (using "meditation books" as an inspiration )about how she is continually reminded that "Hashem is driving the bus", and about her efforts to "let go and let G-d" in dealing wi Site statistics:Click here
I am unique, just like everyone else! 2007-11-04 01:01:00 From :From Seek Sobriety, Find Serenity, Nov. 4 " If a million keys are made of the same metal, they are all alike in substance, but only one will work in a given lock. As far as our addictions is concerned, we are all alike, and the rules of recovery apply equally to everyone
. But as far as our mission in life is concerned, we are unique
. 'I turn my life over to the will of G-d for me, because whatever He wishes me to do is my personal assignment. In that way, I am extraordinary, and no one else can do that which I am supposed to do ". This helps me to understand two very separate concepts. First of all, I might question how anyone can guarantee that the 12 step program could help me with my particular problem, since I believe that my problem is different and began under different circumstances, took a different course, etc., than another person's problem.Dr. Abe Twerski, in this writing, is saying that there is enough that is similar,(like all keys are metal, and in that case simi
Thanks For The Insult 2007-11-02 07:02:00 From A Day at a Time, Nov. 2 :"Pride is at the root of most of my personal problems. When my pride is "hurt', for example, I almost invariably experience resentment and anger- sometimes to the point where I'm unable to talk or think rationally. When I'm in that sort of emotional swamp I must remind myself that my pride- and nothing but my pride- has been injured ".Boy, I'm glad I read this in a book , because otherwise I might have thought I was the only one who reacts this way when my 'proud buttons' are pushed. Most often, my response might be- how dare they?- or something along those lines. The problem is that once I am caught up in that kind of loop- where pride, anger, resentment get all mixed up, it's almost impossible to pull myself out.That's why the comparison with a swamp was a good one. Quicksand might even be a better metaphor. Because once I get stuck in all the stuff that comes together with pride, I can't get out quickly, and I can't get out without all sort Read more:Thanks
, Insult
Spiritual Opportunities 2007-11-09 06:08:00 From Twenty Four Hours a Day , Nov. 9: "When you give G-d not only worship , obedience, and allegiance, but also close companionship, then He become your friend, even as you are His. You can feel that He and you are working together..".When I was a kid, I used to picture G-d as some sort of puppet-master, perhaps resembling Stromboli in Pinocchio- He pulled the strings, and we danced, even when we didn't want to. That was kind of a scary picture, and I thought that if I didn't behave, whatever that meant, that I would be punished.It took a long time for that picture to change in my head. It took a long time before I realized that Hashem(G-d) loved me, and wanted the best for me. It took even longer for me to realize that I didn't "have" to do things against my will, and that no one was pulling my strings- but that I was making bad choices for myself.My 12 step program helped me to recognize all this, and even the fact that I had a problem which needed fixing- a poor , or maladaptive Read more:Opportunities
Cutting Off My Nose to Spite My Face.... 2007-11-07 06:25:00 From A Day AT A Time, Nov. 7:" If I have refused to pray, may I look to see if pride is in my way- that old pride that insists on doing things on its own. Now that I have found a place for prayer in my life, may I reserve that place- religiously ".I've been sort of dreading that one day I would find this topic in one of my 'meditation books' and "have" to write about it. Well, here it is.When I refuse to pray, sometimes it's because pride is in my way, but sometimes it's because I'm simply angry- angry at the way life is kicking at me; angry at G-d for the way He is arranging things (namely not MY way).I notice that I sometimes fall into this pattern, when for a couple of days in a row, it just "works out" that I don't have time to pray, that I am "too busy" with other things , etc. No point in expanding on all the excuses, because it's very clear to me that that's exactly what they are.And I guess it's good that I've already learned to identify this pattern and notice it Read more:Cutting
, Spite
I think I can, I think I can.... 2007-11-14 07:37:00 From Twenty Four Hours a Day, Nov. 24 :" A better way than judging people is to look for all the good in them. If you look hard enough and long enough, you ought to be able to find some good in every person.... people are not converted by criticism. Do I look for the good in people?".Actually, I didn't always do this. Even today, I sometimes go back to that old way of criticizing people, either silently, or out loud. The truth is that criticism never got anyone to change their ways, and all it did was make them angry. How do I feel when I am being criticized? Mostly defensive. Personally, I take it as an attack of sorts, and even if the one doing the criticizing "means it for my good", I find myself feeling hurt, and wanting to strike back.I recently heard a good quote by Goldberg:" I have never seen a person grow or change in a positive direction when motivated by guilt, shame, and or hate".So if we want to influence anyone, the message seems clear that criticism is not the way to d Read more:think
Phone Calls to Heaven 2007-11-12 13:51:00 From Twenty Four Hours a Day, Nov. 12:" It is not theological arguments that solve the problems of the questing soul, but the sincere cry of that soul to G-d for strength and the certainty of that soul that the cry will be heard and answered ".There was a time when I didn't want to bother G-d with my problems. After all, He was pretty busy running such a complicated world, and my stuff was comparatively trivial. How could He have time for it all, and why would He even bother? Surely the starving children in Africa needed Him more, (just like we were always told that they needed the unfinished food on our plates).It was only through my 12 step program that I learned that G-d was interested in everything and that I was not "disturbing" Him with my stuff. It took me a while before I was able to ask Him for simple things, and before I understood that He actually liked me to ask as well.Of course, I was also taught all this through Torah sources, and one of my best models was an older fri Read more:Heaven
The Mosaic of our Lives 2007-11-11 04:06:00 From Twenty Four Hours a Day, Nov. 11:"Every thing in your life may well have been planned by G-d to make you of some use in the world. Each person's life is like the pattern of a mosaic. Each thing that happened to you is like one tiny stone in the mosaic, and each tiny stone fits into the perfected pattern of the mosaic of your life, which has been designed by G-d... I pray that I may not need to see the whole design of my life.... I pray that I may trust the Designer".I remember the days when I used to do needlepoints. Although there was a basic pattern, I still loved making up my own stitches for the various sections. There might have been a specific color that was "meant" to be used, but I often chose my own color and used a particular stitch which I chose from a book. That meant that I was basically within the general "blueprint", but with my own individual "touch".I think my life has been a bit like that; there was always the rebellious part of me, going along with the mainstre Read more:Mosaic
, Lives
When Life gives you crumbs.... 2007-11-19 02:45:00 From Easy Does It, Nov. 19 :" Problems happen whether we are in recovery or not. Recovery does not guarantee us a life free from struggle, pain or problems.... Recovery is about learning to exist in a world where crummy things can happen."For me, this is exactly the point; my life is often filled with struggles, challenges, and disappointments, but my 12 step program taught me new ways to deal with it all, without the need to "use" some behavior or substance to make myself feel better, or even just to get through the day.On the surface, this would imply that life doesn't necessarily get easier for us in the program, just more manageable. But the truth is, the tools and steps we learn actually do make our lives better.Personally, they help me not to get caught up in anger and frustration, kicking and screaming against everything like a little kid; they teach me how useless it is to try to control things that are clearly out of my control; they teach me how to recognize a Higher Sour
HP,Stands for The Best Things in My Life! 2007-11-18 05:06:00 From The Promise of a New Day, November, 18: "Our attitude about our circumstances or our hopes determines the tenor of a moment, eventually of the whole day......No attitude, no feeling or emotion is foisted upon us. We have always made the choice... We will be as happy as our choices make us, and as we decide to be ".This is probably one of the best things I've learned from my 12 step program.... but you've heard me say that about so many things previously. ....At my home meeting, I've often heard Abe Lincoln quoted- ' most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be' .When I first heard that one, I must admit that I was a bit floored. Did that mean that YOU weren't to blame for my bad mood today? That I didn't have to go along with your lousy mood that you tried to pass on to me? Or that I didn't have to suffer a lousy day because someone cut me off while I was driving, or because someone pushed ahead of me on the line (que), or because you screamed at me this
The Promises of The Program 2007-11-24 13:17:00 From A Day At a Time, Nov. 24 :"Although we came into The Program
to deal with a specific problem, we soon became aware that we would find not only freedom from addiction, but freedom to live in the real world without fear and frustration".When I first came into program, all I wanted was to stop doing what I was doing. I had absolutely no idea that there was anything else I could get out of The Program. But fortunately, the gains I have made have far outweighed just getting clean/sober.That's why at meetings, you will sometimes hear people say,"My name is x, and I'm a grateful recovering x (depending on which type of 12 step meeting)".Why, grateful? Because without our problem, we would never have discovered this wonderful program, filled with tools for changing and improving our lives. Dr. Abe Twerski often speaks about how addicts are really lucky because of the benefits they get through the program.As for the "freedom" part (see the quote above), I remember sitting through my fir Read more:Promises
Heading for the North Pole? 2007-11-24 13:04:00 From Twenty Four Hours a Day, Nov. 23 : "Many of us use the excuse of not being able to do something perfectly to enable us to do nothing at all... we say to ourselves- I might make a mistake, so I'd better let the whole thing slide.... The mere fact that we will never reach these goals should not prevent us from doing the best we can."Recently I heard someone speak about compasses- They point to the North
Pole. Does that mean that everyone who uses one plans to go to the North Pole? Obviously not. A compass is used to show us the "direction of north"- that is the goal towards which we aim(not the North Pole itself).In life, we often have a main goal- a direction towards which we'd like to aim, as well (by the time we reach 120 years). This might be something in "self -improvement", a career, an exercise profile, etc.But because the road to that place sometimes seems so long, and the end-goal seems so distant, we often give up without even starting.Writing these meditations is an e Read more:Heading
Today's Lesson is Waiting For Me 2007-11-20 23:22:00 From : The Promise of a New Day , Nov. 21:" Our experience in this life is a composite of many lessons-... which will ease our personal growth and offer us the opportunities necessary to encourage our unique contributions..... Those things we need to experience, to learn, to understand, will present themselves again and again until we have attended to them.... we must trust that our lives are unfolding in ways that will evoke our full potential, and that no challenge comes that earlier lessons haven't prepared us for".Yesterday, a friend and I spoke about happiness. 'I'm not really happy, she said. I want to be happier..' That got me thinking. Sure, we want to enjoy our time here on earth, but is that why we are here? Is this a party place designed for us all to have fun? Or do I have some sort of higher purpose? I remember the film- 'I never promised you a rose garden'. In my day, we sometimes wondered if/when the fun would start, but we didn't take it as a given. Today
, I thi Read more:Waiting
Can I Keep My Balance? 2007-11-28 16:36:00 From Easy Does It, Nov.28 : "One of our common goals in recovery is balance, a feeling of being centered. If we lean too far in one direction, we lose our balance and fall over. We can't please everyone. We can't be everything to everybody. There is a balance the Program teaches us between selfishness and selflessness".I think this is speaking about setting boundaries, as well as knowing what is good for us. If I take on too much, I will not be satisfied, and I may feel taken advantage of. If I run my life by trying to make everyone else happy, I will end up being unhappy myself. There is an inner barometer, by which I must be guided. If I let myself be ruled instead by outside sources, I will just fall over.Allowing myself to live by some hidden , outside "rating" source will lead me to a place I don't want to re-visit. That place is filled with resentments because in the end I will feel pulled and pushed, and not "in tune" with my true self.This does not mean that I must be selfi Read more:Balance
The Boomerang Effect 2007-11-27 04:01:00 From The Promise of a New Day, Nov. 27: "The anger or resentment we too frequently feel toward others generally causes the greatest harm to our own lives. Although we may wish ill to others, it returns like a boomerang , to ourselves".I know that I've already written a post on this subject -(see Is That My Smile or Yours) http://frumstepper.blogspot.com/2007/10/is-that-my-smile-or-yours.htmlso I won't go over the same points. However, there is another side to this- Not only do I give much power to others when I let resentments fester inside of me, but I am also more likely to go on and on , seeing only the negative side of things. So much energy is taken up by my complaining, and in worrying about that other person and what he "did" to me (and in thoughts of revenge), that I fail to see anything good about that person or about the current situation. What happens next , is that I end up with a ball of tension inside, and am unable to enjoy life or feel anything positive in my own Read more:Boomerang
Faults and all 2007-11-26 13:07:00 From The Big Book of AA, Pg. 207: " Suddenly I could accept myself, faults and all, as I was- for weren't we all like that? And, accepting, I felt a new inner comfort and the willingness and strength to do something about the traits I couldn't live with".I think that this is a big key in getting well and living well. When we kick out and hide from who we are, most of our time is spent in either denying the truth, explaining it away, or being angry at ourselves and at G-d for the "lot" we were given, or for how we've messed up.This is a ton of energy being expended in a frustrating loop that never ends.So much is being written today in pop psychology books about acceptance leading to happiness, that I think it needs to be stated that most of this "acceptance stuff" really started right here with the program.Starting with step 1, and admitting that "I have an unmanageable problem", we begin our trek on this road to acceptance. But that is only the start, for soon we find ourselves on
Nobody Does It Better 2007-12-06 13:06:00 From The Promise of a New Day, Dec. 6: " Competition is drummed into us as children. It's a hard lesson to unlearn. But there aren't many traits that are so unsuitable, -and so frustrating- as cutthroat competition. The person who must compete is doomed to unhappiness and to a sense of inadequacy. We'll stop the hopeless attempt to best others only when we achieve the serenity of knowing that each of us is the best at one thing: being ourselves."Today's society thrives on competition. Every time I read about parents who act wild at little league games, I can't believe how trying to be better than other people can easily get out of hand. One of my most difficult memories was of being the last player in a triathlon race when I was a little kid, trying my best, and then losing. The whole team blamed me, but I couldn't have done any more than I did, and was still left feeling (and hearing) like I had let everyone down.These days I realize that I don't have to compete against anyon Read more:Nobody
The Cheerleader's on my Team! 2007-12-05 16:25:00 From Easy Does It, Dec. 5 :" It is important to our recovery to rely on G-d, as our own belief in a Higher Power is what can and does save us from our addiction. Only two of the Steps talk about addiction. The other ten talk about spiritual growth ".I'm glad that today's writing is about this subject. Many times when people ask me about my "program", they are surprised when I talk about G-d and spirituality."What does that have to do with an addiction?" they ask. They have no idea that the basis of the 12 step program is about G-d , and how He helps us deal with any addictive problem.Most of us, at first, were embarrassed to ask G-d for help with our personal problems. Wasn't He too busy running the world, dealing with wars, saving countries from dictators, handling the "global warming" and other crises? How could He have time for little old me? How could I dare to disturb Him when there were so many really "important" things going on?One of the first things we learn, both in Progra Read more:Cheerleader
Who's in The Driver's Seat? 2007-12-02 01:33:00 From Easy Does It, Dec. 2:" Prayer is what we do before we act, not after. Prayer is our choice of whose team we are on. Since we no longer take on the job of coach, we listen when we pray... we want to hear our assignment. When it comes time to act, we act according to the plan for us".I've heard so many lectures about how to pray- but it boils down to this: Am I here to do G-d's bidding, or is He here to do mine? Do I pray for the things that I want to happen, or do I pray for G-d to show me what He wants of me? Do I come with my "shopping list", or do I humbly ask what it is He wants of me today?There is quite a difference between these things, and I do not believe that if I choose the role of humble servant I can never ask G-d to help me in my hour of need, or when something is bothering me. Of course, if I believe that I am His child, and that He will always be there for me, I can beseech Him with the things that trouble me. And because He is my Father, He will already know thes Read more:Driver
The Problem and The Solution 2007-12-17 02:55:00 From The Big Book of AA, pag 222,( Dec. 17th ): " But each drink after the first seemed to become less effective, and after three or four, they all seemed like water ".I think this sums up well what addiction is like: At first the Drug of Choice gives a real hit- a feeling of high. It satisfies some unspoken or unknown need.... But soon it loses its magic power and instead of feeling and acting like a dear friend, it slowly takes over until you can't get out of its clutches.I can write this, because I've been there, done that- much more than once, and with more than one "drug" or behavior. I know first hand how a substance or a behavior can turn from being something I almost dream about, to something else entirely- the embodiment of a living, waking nightmare.This is The Problem
.But The Solution
is much more glorious, and it involves the intervention of a "Something", a Power greater than the grip of anything tangible or physical.For some reason, those of us who have felt the worst
Even in the shadows 2007-12-16 02:08:00 From Twenty four Hours, Dec. 15: "If sometimes there seems to be a shadow on your life and you feel out of sorts, remember that this is not the withdrawal of G-d's presence, but only your own temporary unwillingness to realize it.... the consciousness of G-d's nearness will return and be with you again, when the gray days are past".Yup, I remember plenty of times when I really felt alone, and perhaps abandoned. I couldn't feel my HP's presence, and I was convinced that I would never come out of that state. It was a scary place, and despite my age, I was as frightened as a little child.These days, I realize that Hashem is with me always, and that when I don't feel Him at my side, it's because something I'm doing is blocking that awareness. This is quite a different place, and it brings with it a feeling of safety, even among the stormclouds. Today, I remember that -if G-d seems far away, I must be the one who moved. (See my post- "WHO MOVED?, Oct. 19,2207 :http://frumsteppe
No Mail at The Lighthouse 2007-12-11 07:29:00 From A Day At a Time, Dec. 11: " Before I came to The Program- in fact, before I knew of The Program's existence- I drifted from crises to crises, occasionally using my will to chart a new course; However, like a rudderless ship, I inevitably foundered once again on the rocks of my own despair. Today, in contrast, I receive guidance from my Higher Power. Sometimes , the only answer is a sense of peace or an assurance that all is well..... May I not expect instant, verbal communication with my Higher Power, like directions on a stamped, self-addressed post-card. May I have patience, and listen and sense that G-d is present ".Yes, I remember the times when I thought I had to find all the solutions, and felt like the answers (and responsibility for them) were in my power. Usually, I WAS like a ship tossed in the wild sea, not finding the lighthouse that could direct me out of my crises. My 12 step Program was that lighthouse, because it led me directly to safe harbor on Hashem, my High Read more:Lighthouse
This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You 2007-12-10 08:08:00 From A Day At a Time, Dec. 10:" May I remember that my blow-ups and explosions, when they are torrents of accusations or insults, hurt me just as much as the other person. May I try not to let my anger get to the blow-up stage, simply by recognizing it as I go along and stating it as a fact ".When we program folks get up to doing our 9th step, the time comes to seek out those whom we've insulted and hurt and ask their forgiveness. Quite often, after going through our lists (in step 8) and apologizing (in step 9) we find that there was someone whom we've left out. A smart sponsor usually asks the sponsee (or sponsoree, as some call it) to identify whom this is. And a smart sponsee can recognize that she herself (or he) , is the injured party.That is because we hurt ourselves even more than the one we insult. When we say something derogatory to someone else, we might hurt their feelings, but inside, we churn with feelings of dissatisfaction or even disgust at our own behavior. We fe
In G-d's Time, Not Mine 2007-12-09 02:22:00 From Easy Does It, Dec. 9 : "Our Fellowship suggests that we live our lives one day at a time. Personal change occurs but one day at a time. We must resist the temptation to set G-d's clock to fast forward.".I'm a person who sets her mind out to do something, and then is impatient to get it done. I may be long in the decision process (though usually I am not), but once the decision in made, I want it finished with already "yesterday". This doesn't work too well in Program, because we learn how to take things "one day at a time", and sometimes even one hour, minute or second at a time!If I look at too much at one time, I can often be so filled with worry , that I can't deal with anything. Everything that I've learned about being "mindful" works well with this, because it teaches me to live each second right now and to be "mindful" in every experience, just as it is occurring.When I first came into program I was eager to get to "recovery" very quickly. After all, I was showing up f
Parallel Zones and Prayer times 2007-12-24 00:01:00 From A Day at a Time, Dec. 24:" We came to The Program as supplicants, literally at the ends of our ropes. Sooner or later..... we gain strength and grow with the help of G-d as we understand Him, with the fellowship of The Program, and by applying the Twelve Steps to our lives.....I pray that those I love will have the faith to find their own spiritual experiences and the blessings of peace ".My sponsor often has to remind me that the others in my life "are not working a program". What happens is that I have gotten so used to the self examination, the apologizing when I feel I have wronged someone else, the direct connection with my Higher Power, the simple act of "turning over" (to Hashem) the things that are too much for me to handle, that I forget that other people aren't doing these same things and don't have the same tools that I have gotten from my 12 step Program. Most people just don't have this form of awareness, and don't have the same G-d connections, even though they Read more:Zones
, Prayer
, Parallel
Looking Back, Looking Forward 2008-03-11 01:04:00 From the Big Book of AA, Page 275: " In learning to practice these stages in my daily living, I began to acquire faith and a philosophy to live by....in time I found myself looking forward to each new day with pleasurable anticipation..... A. A. is not a plan for recovery that can be finished and done with. It is a way of life, and the challenge contained in its principles is great enough to keep any human being striving for as long as he lives.....". I was just thinking yesterday about what my life used to be like- how every challenge became a crises that threw me into a whirlwind of worry and action; how I didn't really want to get up in the mornings, and felt pretty useless, and how what I most looked forward to was acting out,and hated those who got in my way of doing so.I have gained Read more:Forward
, Looking Back
Bridge of Faith 2008-03-26 04:01:00 From Twenty Four Hours a Day, March 26, 2008 - “Faith
is the bridge between you and G-d…If all were seen and known, there would be no merit in doing right…. There could be no morality without free will. We must make the choice ourselves.” I like this comparison to a bridge, because it reminds me of the quote “All the world is a narrow bridge. And the most important point is not to fear at all”. The only reason why a person would not be afraid to cross a shaky narrow bridge is because he has faith and trust that he will not fall. Or faith that if he does fall, he will be caught by loving arms and will be safe. Faith is something that cannot be measured, but can often be tested. We can do all that is possible to protect ourselves, but in truth, we have no guarantees
Shame, Shame on you 2008-04-15 23:35:00 From The Promise of a New Day, April 16: " Shame is a little whip we always carry with us. ..We often use it to punish our feelings, because they evoke the helpless children we were. So we learn to suppress our feelings of fear, or rage, or desire. We would rather not feel at all, than feel the sting of shame... Self- love and self-acceptance can make us strong enough to discard the little whip. We're much more lovable when we acknowledge our humanity and let go of our shame. We're also better able to love others. Shame shuts us up; love opens us to joy".Yeah, I know that whip well. I would beat myself up all the time. It's much easier to beat ourselves than to acknowledge that we are human. that we make mistakes. that we have feelings and failings. It's easier to beat others up too - inst
So What's on My "To Do List" ? 2008-05-01 00:30:00 From The Promise of a New Day, May 1 : "Our path through the world is a part of it. We add our individual voices to the chord that is language, that is history. No matter how desperate we may feel, or how hopeless our lives may seem at times, the fact remains that loss and sorrow are a part of life, and the law of life is change. Unless we choose to cling to sorrow, it will flow through us. The next wave of feeling may bring us joy. The hexagonal cells of the honeycomb recall the shapes of insects' eyes, snowflakes geodesic domes. We fit into this grand design. We're here for a reason- for many reasons. Let us treat ourselves as gently as we try to treat the other parts of the delicate web of life.".There are some pretty powerful messages written here. The first is that we are on a path th
Willingness is the Key 2008-05-02 08:49:00 As is my practice, each month I write about the step that corresponds to that month.Regarding the5th step,(for May): We willingly open our hearts so that a life-changing Power can come in and heal us.......We begin to experience trust. We feel that if another person can accept us unconditionally, perhaps we can accept ourselves unconditionally as well.I like the wording - "life changing Power." Yes, that is a good description of Hashem, and by trusting Him, I do allow Him in to change my life. If I were to make a list of all the ways He has done this for me, I would use a whole notebook. But the key word, is my own "willingness" to let this happen. Without this, I would be back the way I was, stuck in my old rut- emotionally, physically, and certainly spiritually.By letting Hashem (my High
Fear and Trust -Now's the Time 2008-05-04 10:51:00 I looked through the many meditation books that I have at the writings for today, but none of them "clicked" for me. I guess I was looking for something specific, and just couldn't find it. Then I picked up an old "Program" book- called Living Recovery, and found this. Bingo."Fear causes the most trouble for us when we pretend we have none or when we think our lives can be totally free from fear. Fear is not a defect of character. If we were deprived of our capacity for fear we would be robots, not heroes. The goal of the 12 Steps is not to destroy our human capacity for fear, but rather to transform our responses to fear and eventually change the nature of them. "Okay, this does it for me. I was looking for something about fear, because at the moment, I am worried and frightened about a p
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