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Elevator Etiquette 2008-03-06 09:51:23 I automatically dislike anyone who gets into an elevator with me, especially in the morning when I first arrive at work. This is mostly an irrational reaction, but odds are those who join me in the elevator will disembark on floors lower than mine. I'm now located on the 30th of 34 floors and apparently anyone who works on the floors above me always arrives either before or after I do in the morning.And for some reason, inevitably no two people who get on the elevator with me in the morning will work on the same floor. So every new person who manages to catch the departing elevator by inserting and sacrificing a body part between the closing doors, will not only delay departure even more by stopping everything, but will continue to delay things by punching yet another floor below mine. I u Read more:Etiquette
Inject, Cut, and Burn 2008-03-04 19:43:21 In light of recent events, I think it might be time to take drastic measures. I typically avoid sharp objects being placed in or around my balls, but I think the time has come to cut the cord. Sure, there's birth control. But it's not 100% reliable (as we've recently seen), especially if I'm relying on the woman to take on that responsibility. But am I prepared to go under the knife? I think the thing I fear the most is receiving the local anesthesia. That's local anesthesia. That means they stick a needle in both balls. And possibly another needle for the deep visceral pain. That's a total of 4 needles injected into my balls. And then they take a scalpel and slice them open. Then they cut the tubes and cauterize the ends. That means they burn my balls. Inject, cut, and burn my balls.Now,
Happy Monday 2008-03-03 19:32:38 I was happy to find out this morning that Blair took the pregnancy test over the weekend and confirmed that she was definitely pregnant with my baby. She walked into my office clutching a Venti Vanilla Latte and with a very stern expression announced that she was, in fact, big with my child. Which is why I immediately knew she was lying. If Blair were really pregnant: She would be weeping uncontrollably for at least a week straight She would not be drinking coffee for fear of birth defectsShe would not declare it was my child even though she believes my sperm is stronger than her husband's spermAs I mentioned before, Blair would never make up something like this just to fuck with me. However, after the relief of finally getting her period, she would take advantage of the situation a Read more:Happy
, Monday
Aunt Flo 2008-02-29 20:48:49 We're still waiting for Aunt Flo to come visit. She's been out of town for over a month now and she's well overdue to make an appearance. I swear to God that ugly bitch better show her face soon or I'm going to lose my shit.The problem with Aunt Flo is that she always seems to show up when you least expect or want her to show up. Then everything just turns in to a big mess. And nobody ever tells you Aunt Flo is visiting until it's already too late. It would be nice if you were given the option of coming over or not based on the fact that Aunt Flo was already there. You know, something like, Hey, Aunt Flo is here, are you sure you want to come over? Even then, it's not that easy to say, No, I'm going to delay my visit by a week and wait until Aunt Flo leaves town again. So I guess, ei
How to Murder Your Friend's Wife 2008-02-28 19:36:42 Conklin's slutty wife sent me an email today. Apparently, Conklin has been acting strange lately and she blames me for some reason for this sudden transformation. She listed the strange behavior:He doesn't interrogate her anymore after a late night out with "the girls"Nor does he conduct a panty check after a late night out with "the girls"He doesn't question her cell phone billHe no longer sends her text messages like "Where the fuck are you?" or "How come you won't answer my phone calls"He does not accuse her of sleeping with the neighborsHe does not accuse her of sleeping with the men and women who attend her aerobics classHe is not generally suspicious of her, even when she tries to incite him with innuendoHe does not seem to care if anyone is fu
Don't Go Out with Australians 2008-03-11 17:19:20 Australians are crazy motherfuckers.Do not try to keep up with them. I did. I regret it. Last night we went to the horse races just outside London. I drank too much, of course, and started instructing everyone on how to pick a winner. When I say “everyone”, I mean Directors, VPs, and a President and CEO of my company. I decided the winning combination was this: The horse’s tail must be wispy, not limp. The more wispy the tail, the better. If you can somehow tie the horse’s name to Satan, you have a winner.This, of course, was bullshit. The kind of bullshit I spout with deadpan seriousness that everyone buys into. But the cherry on top was the fact that I kept winning every race. I picked the horse based on this bullshit criteria, and won time after time. The drunker
Foreign Languages 2008-03-10 18:37:15 The English do not speak English.I don’t know what they speak, but it is not the English language. Here’s what it sounds like: Bidda dida du, badaba daba di, badeeba fish ‘n chips. I don’t like the way they talk because they seem so fucking cheery, but I know that they’re really probably saying Fuck you, you arrogant American asshole. I may in fact be an arrogant American asshole, but I’d like to know when I’m being accused of it. As it stands, I don’t know what the hell these blokes are saying. I can only assume, so I assume the worst. The trip over was good. Mulhausen was a wreck. I kept ordering alcohol, but Mulhausen, because of his religious convictions, would only order apple juice. He did, however, drop a couple of Ambien. But every ti Read more:Foreign
, Languages
Going Global 2008-03-07 19:50:33 Well, it looks like I'm moving up in the world. I've just been given global responsibilities. Fessler asked Mulhausen to ask Smithee if he'd be okay with increasing my duties to include a more global focus. Smithee, of course, was delighted. Keep in mind however, increased responsibilities do not translate to a promotion or more money. My corporation feels a person should work in the role for at least six months before being given the title or pay. That way, they can be assured the person is right for the role. What they don't seem to recognize is the fact that as a mere Manager, I've been handling the former Director's role for over a year now. So essentially, they're asking me to prove myself in a lesser role for six months before they will actually give me the lesser title and lesser sa Read more:Global
, Going
The Jason X Identity 2008-03-14 13:40:51 Germans are very friendly when they insult you. The Spanish talk very fast so that they can get a lot out, even though they say very little. The Italians kiss everyone's cheeks regardless of where that cheek has been. I've hit three more countries in three days since London. Berlin, Madrid, and Rome. And I guess people are crazy everywhere, not just in L.A. I don't have much time. I'm on the hotel computer in the Business Center. My laptop crashed and has been dead for three days; and my Blackberry wasn't working because they didn't give me a global SIM card even though I now have a global job. I've got some good stories, but no time, so I'll start posting when I get back on Sunday (for each Country). I'm on the run. I have Mulhausen believing I'm Jason
Bourne. I pretended the tr
Germany 2008-03-17 22:15:45 Mulhausen immediately noticed that they don't speak English in Berlin.That's right, they speak something else. I told him it was Portuguese. Some of the people in the office knew English, but spoke with a Hitler accent. Like they were mad and wanted to kill millions of people in a single shot. But although they spoke with an angry accent, they did it with a smile. The way Charlie Manson might talk to you right before carving Helter Skelter into your forehead with a shard of glass. They were not particularly happy with a global system that was forced upon them by someone else; the system that I now have to support.While they were sympathetic to the fact that I had nothing to do with the rollout, they were unsympathetic to the fact that I had been thrown into the mix late in the game and it Read more:Germany
Italy 2008-03-21 13:46:30 There was nobody to fuck in the Rome office.Not because there weren't any good looking women. There were. Mama mia, there were some hot woman in that office. But everyone was already fucking someone else in the office, so there was nobody left to fuck me. Some were open about it, but most were subversive about their fucking. A lot of married people fucking. I thought it was bad back at the office in Los Angeles; but this, my friends, is what you call a major fucking fuck fest. So the problem was this: every time I started working some girl in the office, some angry guido would walk up with a smile on his face but threaten to choke the life out of me with his eyes. And I never knew who was fucking who, so I had to assume everyone was fucking everyone, otherwise I would get the life cho Read more:Italy
Spain 2008-03-18 22:08:48 I was pleased to find the people at the office in Madrid were much less German than the people in the office in Berlin. In fact, they were not German at all. Nothing against Germans; there's just something about people who eat a lot of sausage that makes me uncomfortable. Mulhausen was surprised to find that the Spanish speak Mexican. I told him it was because the Mexicans conquered Spain
in 1603. Most of the people spoke both English and Spanish, but I could understand neither. I couldn't understand their Spanish because I don't understand Spanish. Although Blair sometimes says chinga tu madre, and I know that has something to do with my mother. And one time a hot Peruvian woman I went out with told me no means no in Spanish. I was glad to hear that, because no usually means yes in E
Jesus and the Easter Bunny 2008-03-23 11:44:25 Easter seems to be the celebration of two things: the resurrection of Jesus
Christ and sexual intercourse.Okay, leave it to me to come up with a combo like that. But it is what it is. The Jesus part is obvious. But where did I come up with the Easter = sex deal? It's this Easter Bunny
bullshit. Ever wonder what eggs have to do with rabbits? Rabbits don't lay eggs, so what the fuck is a rabbit doing running around with basket of eggs? I used to think he stole them from some bird, which is why he hid them all over the place. And I thought, What a fucking asshole. But according to Wikipedia, eggs, like hares, are symbols for fertility. Why? Because birds and rabbits have nothing better to do than screw and make baby birds and rabbits. Ever hear the term Mad as a March hare? Apparently, this i Read more:Easter
7 Reasons I Brought a Prostitute to Work Anyway 2008-03-25 20:15:37 Okay, she's not really a prostitute. More like a stripper who goes the extra mile. Which technically... Well, I guess that makes her a prostitute. The fact that this could happen two days in a row is a little unsettling. And I know this seems like I learned nothing from the mistake Gladstone made yesterday. But really, I had no choice. Here's why:Reason 1: Prostitute
s get pissed off when you don't pay them. It's a dirty job to begin with; then someone stiffs you? Well, more accurately you get stiffed twice. Neither time is desirable, but when you get paid, apparently getting stiffed the first time becomes tolerable. If you don't get paid, you feel like you've just been defiled like an innocent child and merciless retribution is in order. Reason 2: Prostitutes are Read more:Anyway
, Reasons
7 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Bring a Prostitute to Work 2008-03-24 18:50:02 Reason 1: Prostitute
s drink a lot of coffee. Especially in the morning if they can't go to bed. Obviously in the office there are no beds, so sleep is not an option. Although I have lobbied for getting a bed put into one of the lesser used conference rooms, for various reasons--sleep probably being the least important. But since I was unsuccessful, there is no suitable place for a prostitute to sleep. So you go into the kitchen looking for a freshly brewed cup of java, and the pot is empty. Personally, I hate making coffee, so I just curse that goddamn prostitute under my breath and go get a Coke from the machine.Reason 2: Prostitutes eat all the snacks. Prostitutes burn a lot of calories at night, so by morning they're starving. So not only do they drink all the coffee, they eat all Read more:Reasons
Chelsea the Intern 2008-03-26 19:43:27 Driving into work today, I noticed an email on my Blackberry from Teri with the subject line: New Intern.I opened the message and read: I put the new intern in the cube just outside your office. Desktop support set her up with a laptop and all the necessary logins. She's really cute. I like her.- TeriWhat new intern? When I got off the elevator, I quickly made my way over to the cube outside my office and stared at the empty chair. Teri bounced over with a big smile and stared at the empty chair with me.What new intern?Teri again reiterated how cute and sweet the new intern was. She was impressed by this year's selection. A little early, but I usually pick some complete idiot who doesn't know his head from his ass. This year, however, apparently my pick was stupendous. Read more:Chelsea
Why Not Murder Your Wife? 2008-03-29 13:51:00 Don't ask Why should I murder my wife? Ask Why not murder my wife? Conklin was depressed today because his wife is a slut. He was also depressed because Blendi the Unvirgin has been missing for weeks. Blendi the Unvirgin has not actually been missing, but has very successfully dodged running into Conklin for weeks. I told Conklin maybe she was dead. That didn't seem to lift his spirits, so I told him maybe she was merely unconscious in a ditch somewhere. But since he has not been able to focus his attention on Blendi the Unvirgin, he has been forced to focus his attention on his slutty wife again. This has depressed him greatly. So I told him it was time to murder his slutty wife. He wasn't down with the idea at first, but then I reminded him just how slutty his wife really was. I told him
From Bad to Worse 2008-04-01 16:48:30 Just when you think you've gotten away with not murdering someone because it was actually an accident, someone accuses you of murder.And when I say you I don't mean me; I mean Conklin.Okay, I'm sure you're all wondering what's going on, so here's what happened:As I've stated previously, I never really intended for Conklin to murder his slutty wife. But I did want his slutty wife to think Conklin would murder her because I convinced him to do so. Then she would know who really wore the pants in the family.So I came up with the perfect murder. Well, perfect in a cartoon sense, that is. I told him to drop a piano on her head from the second floor. But since Conklin doesn't own a piano, he said he could drop a credenza off the balcony of his second floor office, which is right above the f
Conklin's Slutty Wife is Dead 2008-03-31 18:35:12 Oops. I guess that's all I can say at this point. It was an accident. I know, I know... I said I was going to help Conklin make it look like an accident. So I'm sure you don't believe me. But I swear it was an accident. Even so, Conklin blames me. I know he does. I mean, if I hadn't come up with the idea of murdering his wife, she'd still be alive. But that's just stupid. Accidents happen, even when you're trying to kill someone. Look, I'm just as shocked as anyone. Well, maybe not as shocked as Conklin's slutty wife. But I'm pretty overwhelmed. I mean, I suppose you could say, if I hadn't pretended to try to murder his wife, she would have been safe and sound in her home last night. But instead of blaming me for the accidental death of his wife, Conklin should be celebrating the act of Go
Clarification 2008-04-03 20:22:54 My post yesterday may have been confusing to some, so just to clarify for everyone...Conklin's slutty wife is, in fact, dead. But Conklin did not go to jail. That was an April Fools joke.Ha ha.Surprisingly, I have not been invited to the funeral. Lalalala. Read more:Clarification
April Fools! 2008-04-02 19:52:14 Let me tell you... I really entertained myself yesterday. Here are some of the jokes I played on people:Blair - My wife is pregnant. Ha ha. That's what she gets for giving me a pregnant scare a couple of weeks ago. I gave her the old AprilFools
! at the end of the day. No sex for me, I'll tell you that. For at least a week. Athena the Lesbian - I got a little curious the other night and I think I'm gay. I didn't let that one go very long. I could see her passing that rumor on immediately with telepathy. Blendi the Unvirgin - I know you're an unvirgin now, but I can't have sex with you because I've become a born again virgin myself. She laughed in my face and said April Fools! How stupid do you think I am? Kristy (formally Wheels) - They've finally proven that all the moon landings hav
I Don't Like Funerals 2008-04-08 00:09:06 The Funeral for Conklin's slutty wife was today. All her relatives flew in for the memorial service. I can just imagine the clan that spawned her. I'm thinking one or more of them has been a guest on the Jerry Springer show, but I'm just guessing. Maybe she was just the black sheep of the family; the black, trailer trash, slutty, uneducated, rude, and obviously mentally disturbed sheep of the family, and the rest are upstanding, respectable members of society who were simply ashamed of her misguided ways.Yeah, that's likely. I'm glad I wasn't invited because I don't like funerals and here's why: Funerals
are a major buzz kill. There's something depressing about death. I don't know what it is. And everyone loses their sense of humor at a funeral. Every time I walk into a funeral and se
Finance Approval 2008-04-10 15:06:08 Funding a project is an interesting process at my company. First off, the CER (Capital Expenditure Request) process takes forever just to put the proposal together. Once the proposal is finally put together, Finance must approve. And since Blair is responsible for my area, the already fucked up approval process is fucked up even more. Here's how it goes:Blair never approves funding for my projects while she's sleeping with me because she worries that someone will think she's sleeping with me.The only way she'll approve funding of my projects is if she isn't sleeping with me. She believes she is no longer sleeping with me when she is angry with me, even though she just slept with me the night before and will probably sleep with me again that same night. Therefore, the on Read more:Approval
Casual Friday 2008-04-11 20:30:16 Casual Friday
exists because we're all done working for the week. But since we have to be at work, we pretend to be at home by dressing like we're at home. But we're not. But we're dressed like we are. And, more importantly, we act like we are by doing absolutely nothing related to running a business.The beauty of the situation is that we don't do anything we'd do if we were home either. You know, like yard work and the shit you don't have time to do during the week because you're at work. So casual Friday is really a vacation from both work and home. Today, in order to get the most out of Casual Friday, I decided to wear a tank top, shorts and flip-flops. Apparently, this is a gross violation of the dress code, even for Casual Friday, so I was yet again called down to Human Resources to m Read more:Casual
Girl Scout Cookies 2008-04-14 20:21:08 Just like Candy Bar Season, I've decided to compete with the parents by selling Oreo cookies. That's right. And not just ordinary Oreo cookies. But Double Stuff Oreo cookies. Tefft immediately ran into my office when she heard the news and offered two boxes of Samoas for one package of Oreos. Her kid would be taking another loss. Mulhausen stopped at my office door with a couple of boxes of thin mints in hand and his mouth open ready to pitch me on helping support his daughter's pack or squad or coven or whatever they call themselves; then he saw the stack of Oreos on my desk for sale for $4.00 per package. I was making about a $1.25 AND still selling cheaper than the Scout
.htm">Girl Scout
cookies. Mulhausen grunted and went over to Tefft's office where he would again be disappointed. Don't get Read more:Cookies
Aho Made Fun of Mai Ding 2008-04-17 18:21:24 Aho made fun of Mai Ding today, and I get sent to HR. Once again, I found myself down in HR sitting across the desk in front of Triplet, the VP of HR. She sat looking at me with a very disappointed look on her face for the longest time, shaking her head, judging me silently. And then, finally:"It was brought to my attention," she began. "That you told someone today 'A hoe made fun of my ding.' This is very inappropriate for the workplace.""I agree," I said. "Aho should never make fun of Mai Ding at work.""This happened at work?" she asked, shocked."Yes," I confirmed. "Right outside of my office.""How did 'a ho' see your 'ding'? she asked."Not Yur Ding. Mai Ding," I said, correcting her. "Yur Ding has
Conklin's In-Laws 2008-04-16 20:38:55 Conklin is still grieving the death of his slutty wife. And although he still blames me for the accidental death of his slutty wife during our attempt to murder her, I believe he is beginning to warm up to the fact that she's actually gone forever. While she was alive, I don't think he fully realized how much she mentally tortured him. But now, after her demise, he's finally beginning to see the full extent of her wickedness. And although he still pretends to be angry with me because he blames me for the accidental death of his slutty wife during our attempt to murder her, I really think he's thankful deep down inside.Apparently her in-laws are still in town after having attended the funeral. According to him, they are, as expected, unfortunately replicas of his slutty wife's evil and sadi
The 405 2008-04-18 21:02:09 If you live in Southern California, you know what the 405 is. In California, we don't just refer to the freeway with a number; we always add "the" before the number. So it's the 5, the 15, the 91, and of course, the 405. I think we do this because these aren't just your average freeways; these are the worst fucking freeways in the goddamn world. For example, rush "hour" on the 405 is approximately 8 hours a day in total during week days. From 6:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m. and then from 3:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. Fridays, rush "hour" lasts all freakin' day. Heading out of town, traffic starts backing up at noon. I left work early today, around 2:00. I think the term people use to describe my freeway situation at that time is, parking lot.I notice I swear a lot in the car
Mulhausen's New Assistant 2008-04-22 22:58:18 We do not have secretaries at my company; we have assistants. You cannot call an assistant a secretary. That will land you in HR faster than you can say, I meant, Assistant
. Assistants perform the same clerical duties of a secretary, like answer phones, schedule appointments, type letters, etc., but Human Resources gets very upset if you refer to them as secretaries. According to HR, the reference secretary carries with it too many outdated connotations, which is why we now call a secretary an assistant. HR's policy is very clear on this matter: Please use the title "Assistant" when referring to a secretary.I finally met Mulhausen's assistant. Her name is Fiona and she's gorgeous. Blue eyes, blonde hair, little tits, little ass. I'm not usually attracted to her type becaus
What Does This Mean? 2008-04-24 00:14:01 Can you solve the riddle in Figure 1A? (There's actually no Figure 1B or any other figure; I just wanted to sound official). If not, by the end of this post you'll be able to solve it. Today started out better than average for more reasons than one. Here's the list:I started the day out with a blueberry Poptart. Yum yum.Traffic was much lighter than usual. I have no idea why. Nor do I question. I just go with the flow.Utilizing the Starbucks Cam, I snagged a triple venti non-fat vanilla latte first thing with no line; I was bouncing off the walls by 10:00 a.m.Athena the Lesbian rubbed my crotch in the elevator all the way from floor 20 to 31; there were no stops and no other passengers.Blendi the Unvirgin tickled my crotch with her unvirgin toe under my desk when she came to visit at
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