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Conklin's Dead Slutty Wife's Evil Sister Fiona the Cunt 2008-04-25 21:24:24 As most of you know, I hate the weekends. I hate the weekends because I love the weekdays. I love the weekdays because I'm not at home. It's difficult to go home on Fridays. So I usually start looking for a distraction that will keep me from going home on Friday for as long as possible. Unfortunately, the only distraction I've had all day is Conklin's dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona
the Cunt. I realize she doesn't have anything on us. Because even though Conklin and I were trying to murder his slutty wife at the time she accidentally died, we did not, in fact, kill her. A truck killed her, and that was not a part of my plan to murder her. There were witnesses. We're in the clear. However... This cleaver little bitch somehow believes there was foul play involved for some reason, which
What Does This Mean? 2008-04-24 00:14:01 Can you solve the riddle in Figure 1A? (There's actually no Figure 1B or any other figure; I just wanted to sound official). If not, by the end of this post you'll be able to solve it. Today started out better than average for more reasons than one. Here's the list:I started the day out with a blueberry Poptart. Yum yum.Traffic was much lighter than usual. I have no idea why. Nor do I question. I just go with the flow.Utilizing the Starbucks Cam, I snagged a triple venti non-fat vanilla latte first thing with no line; I was bouncing off the walls by 10:00 a.m.Athena the Lesbian rubbed my crotch in the elevator all the way from floor 20 to 31; there were no stops and no other passengers.Blendi the Unvirgin tickled my crotch with her unvirgin toe under my desk when she came to visit at
Mulhausen's New Assistant 2008-04-22 22:58:18 We do not have secretaries at my company; we have assistants. You cannot call an assistant a secretary. That will land you in HR faster than you can say, I meant, Assistant
. Assistants perform the same clerical duties of a secretary, like answer phones, schedule appointments, type letters, etc., but Human Resources gets very upset if you refer to them as secretaries. According to HR, the reference secretary carries with it too many outdated connotations, which is why we now call a secretary an assistant. HR's policy is very clear on this matter: Please use the title "Assistant" when referring to a secretary.I finally met Mulhausen's assistant. Her name is Fiona and she's gorgeous. Blue eyes, blonde hair, little tits, little ass. I'm not usually attracted to her type becaus
The 405 2008-04-18 21:02:09 If you live in Southern California, you know what the 405 is. In California, we don't just refer to the freeway with a number; we always add "the" before the number. So it's the 5, the 15, the 91, and of course, the 405. I think we do this because these aren't just your average freeways; these are the worst fucking freeways in the goddamn world. For example, rush "hour" on the 405 is approximately 8 hours a day in total during week days. From 6:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m. and then from 3:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. Fridays, rush "hour" lasts all freakin' day. Heading out of town, traffic starts backing up at noon. I left work early today, around 2:00. I think the term people use to describe my freeway situation at that time is, parking lot.I notice I swear a lot in the car
Aho Made Fun of Mai Ding 2008-04-17 18:21:24 Aho made fun of Mai Ding today, and I get sent to HR. Once again, I found myself down in HR sitting across the desk in front of Triplet, the VP of HR. She sat looking at me with a very disappointed look on her face for the longest time, shaking her head, judging me silently. And then, finally:"It was brought to my attention," she began. "That you told someone today 'A hoe made fun of my ding.' This is very inappropriate for the workplace.""I agree," I said. "Aho should never make fun of Mai Ding at work.""This happened at work?" she asked, shocked."Yes," I confirmed. "Right outside of my office.""How did 'a ho' see your 'ding'? she asked."Not Yur Ding. Mai Ding," I said, correcting her. "Yur Ding has
Sodomy Among Friends 2008-04-28 21:09:54 Apparently Lucia no longer enjoys sodomy with Tanner from Toys. Recently Lucia stopped letting me sodomize her because I'm not religious. And although she did not believe she was cheating on her boyfriend while I was sodomizing her, she did believe she was sinning against God by being sodomized by a heathen. So to remedy the situation, she sought sodomy from Tanner, the Assistant Manager in Toys, with whom she was also attending weekly Bible Study. And although she was being sodomized by Tanner from Bible Study, she was still not cheating on her boyfriend because the act of sodomy is not technically intercourse. Lucia believes that if the dick doesn't touch the pussy, it isn't cheating. And since Tanner is a strong Christian and a faithful servant of God Almighty, sodomy with a Chris Read more:Friends
Help Desk 2008-04-29 20:56:51 I took my laptop to another floor for a meeting and tried to log into the network through WiFi in order to access email. I was unsuccessful. The message read:Your attempt to login to the network was unsuccessful. Please email the Help Desk
at helpdesk@anonymouscompany.com for assistance. Thank you. Enough said about our Help Desk.We had to push McKinney's 3D porn screening to tomorrow night because his wife needed him at home tonight for reasons he couldn't explain. Damn. I was ready for an exciting night...
The Premiere 2008-04-30 23:57:38 The premiere of McKinney's 3D Porn Film starring Nick Zima and Candi Kans did not Premiere
tonight.Nor did the hidden cam porn short staring Conklin and Blendi the Virgin (now known as Blendi the Unvirgin).So Conklin and I were sitting in my office this afternoon plotting against his dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona the Cunt, even though she hasn't made an offensive play yet. I was tired of sweating it out. I was tired of the paranoia. I was tired of losing my erection.That's when McKinney burst into my office."It's gone," he said in a panic."What's gone?" I asked. "It," he said."And 'It' is what?""It, Goddamn it. It!" he screamed like a little girl.Well, I just wasn't getting the message. I asked him if he needed to draw "it&
No title 2008-05-03 11:25:11 I'd say it was a good week. Sure, there' s a lot of shit going on, especially with Conklin's dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona the Cunt causing havoc with her evil, manipulative, psycho antics, but I also got my mojo back this week, so all and all, I think the good outweighs the bad at this point.But you be the judge.Here's the bad:Conklin's dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona the Cunt stole McKinney's workprint copy of his 3D porn film staring Nick Zima and Candi Kans. Conklin's dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona the Cunt also stole the hidden cam porn short I shot of Conklin deflowering Blendi the Virgin.Conklin is pissed off at me again, not only for the above, but he's decided to blame me again for the accidental death of his wife during our attempt to murder her. Mulhausen is ha
Can't Lesbians All Get Along? 2008-05-06 20:04:29 Athena the Lesbian is upset because Lesbians have rights too, not just lesbians.It took me a little while to figure out what she was talking about, but this is the gist:"Lesbians are suing lesbians for calling themselves lesbians and making it seem like all Lesbians are lesbians too, even if you're a Lesbian who's only attracted to men. And it's worse for male Lesbians."Athena the Lesbian was so upset, she almost couldn't blow me in the Comm closet the other day. But I assured her that a little fellatio would take her mind off the subject of lesbians and that it would help calm her nerves. Apparently it did calm her nerves but calmed my nerves even more because I completely forgot about lesbians of any sort. Athena the Lesbian, however, was talking about the sore subject of Lesbi
Cinco de Tefft 2008-05-05 19:20:19 Today, on the 5th of May, we celebrate the Mexican victory over the Americans at the Alamo in 1836. Once again, Tefft was put in charge of handling the festivities for our Cinco de Mayo office party. For some reason, she is under the impression that the Mexicans celebrate this day to remember the Alamo, the one and only time they kicked American ass. Granted, we kicked their ass back to Mexico shortly thereafter, but that's why we celebrate the 5th with them. Just to show them there are no hard feelings. Okay, I'm the one who told her that Cinco de Mayo was all about the Alamo. But she asked. Sure, it's really about the Battle of Puebla against the French in 1862. But she wouldn't get it even if I gave her the right version. Tefft needs something she can understand. And s
Black Olives 2008-05-08 20:37:33 Conklin has a tummy ache. Conklin's dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona the Cunt did call the police and the police did say a detective would get back to her. Conklin has been very upset ever since. Which is why he's been eating too many black olives. When Conklin gets upset, he usually calms himself down by smoking an American Spirit. Unfortunately, he recently quit smoking. Fortunately, eating black olives seems to have a similar calming effect, although not quite as satisfying. Unfortunately, eating too many black olives makes him sick to his stomach. Personally, my preference would be green olives, because that reminds me of drinking a martini, which would calm me down if I were upset. "Why aren't you upset?" Conklin asked. "She called the cops.""We didn't kil Read more:Black
, Olives
Birthday 2008-05-12 20:30:02 Well, it's my birthday today.Okay, moving on...Remember Friday? Later that evening, Conklin, Detective Curran (aka Rob Jackhoff) and I took a look at the CD that allegedly contained incriminating evidence against us. I popped the CD into my computer and an interesting thing happened. The CD did NOT in fact contain evidence against Conklin and myself. The CD DID in fact contain the infamous "F Read more:Birthday
Birthday with Blair 2008-05-15 17:52:02 Blair took me to a very expensive Sushi dinner for my birthday. This was a very sweet gesture on her part and only cost me $160. Blair's husband is also in Finance and watches every debit like a hawk. If a restaurant is not on their approved vendor list, Blair is not allowed to spend a dime at that establishment. Her weekly expense report is reviewed and approved by her husband with strict c Read more:Birthday
, Blair
Blair vs. Fiona 2008-05-16 18:56:45 Blair stood there staring down Fiona
(Conklin's dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona the Cunt) with this look of quiet but inevitable death in her eyes. Fiona stared back with an equally calm expression of dire hatred and adamant desire to destroy her opponent. Both of their faces were molded in stone cold granite. They were about to engage. I couldn't wait. This was going to be bloody. Well... Mo Read more:Blair
Blair and Bangkok 2008-05-19 21:24:36 Blair will not sign and approve my Travel Authorization form for a business trip to Thailand next week so that I can take care of urgent company business. She will, however, sign and approve a travel authorization form for a trip to Singapore where I have absolutely no company business. So even though my business is in Thailand, she will only approve a trip to Singapore.Blair has been very impress Read more:Blair
, Bangkok
Bangkok 2008-05-23 00:49:09 Blair finally approved my trip to Bangkok
. Smithee sent her a message explaining that if I couldn't go to Bangkok, he would send me to the Philippines to help the TV division with their SAP implementation. This would not require her approval, since it's another division and would only require approval from the TV divsion's Finance department which has happily approved my trip because they need the
Troubleshooting 2008-05-21 19:26:46 The best way to troubleshoot an issue in Technology is to blame someone else. Anger them into troubleshooting the issue to prove you wrong, then when they come back and throw the root cause down at your feet with arrogant vindication, all you have to do is fix the issue. They did the hard part. That's how I handled Bonnie Body today. She's in charge of Interfaces. She's got a hot bod with what app Read more:Troubleshooting
Cathay Pacific 2008-05-24 21:18:53 Here’s what I like about a 15 hour flight to Thailand on Cathay Pacific
: The flight attendants are mostly Asian women and I kind of have a thing for mostly Asian women. The flight attendants are mostly hot Asian women and I definitely have a thing for mostly hot Asian women. There is a large selection of movies and television shows available to watch and I love watching the tube. The s
Prostitutes Are Not Dysfunctional 2008-05-26 19:36:28 I do not like prostitutes because they like me. I do not like things I can have; I like things I cannot have. Blair was a bitch, Blendi was a virgin, Athena was a Lesbian, Lucia was a religious fanatic. If nothing else, I like women who cannot be mine because they belong to someone else. Prostitutes
belong to everyone, including me, which is why I can never have one. If a prostitute turned me down
Patpong Pussy Darts 2008-05-29 02:39:19 I was talking to the Finance lady from the Philippines yesterday on a break from our meeting. We were eating some snacks and sipping coffee when she said:"So, while you're in Bangkok, do you plan to go to the pussy show?""As a matter of fact," I said. "I do plan to go to the pussy show." And we went last night to a place called Super Pussy in a part of town called Pat Read more:Darts
Blair Does Not Miss Me 2008-05-31 02:07:43 Blair does not miss me which is why I miss her.Blair only tells me she misses me when she does not miss me. She only does not miss me when she is interested in someone else. She has a very short attention span, so if I'm not around and someone interesting starts paying attention to her, she does not miss me because she is busy with someone else.But Blair does not find many people interesting. So w Read more:Blair
Business Trip Drinking 2008-06-03 02:11:14 The problem with drinking on business trips is that you drink like it's the weekend. But it's not the weekend. Last night was not Friday and today is not Saturday, the day you get to sleep it off. Today is Tuesday and it's a work day just like any other weekday work day. Back in Los Angeles, I may drink on a weekday night, but only in moderation because I’m either getting to know a use Read more:Business
, Drinking
Jet Lag 2008-06-03 18:20:08 I'm back. I'm tired. Good night. By the way, Blair is pretending not to notice this is the day of my return. So I'm ignoring her too and going to sleep. We'll fight about it tomorrow, then have incredible combo make-up/reunion sex. I really need to rest up. Tomorrow's a big day. Read more:Jet Lag
Dysfunctional Lover or Bloodsucking Vampire? 2008-06-05 13:14:18 I know what you're thinking... I'm pissed off at Blair, so I compare her to a bloodsucking vampire. Not true.Yes, I am pissed off at her. But I really do believe she might be a bloodsucking vampire. Let me tell you why. First reference one of Winter's Vampire
articles. Now here are the questions you need to answer to determine whether your lover is just dysfunctional or an actual bloodsuckin
The Latest Reorg 2008-06-06 22:51:41 Fernandez is no longer assigned to Special Projects.An executive like Fernandez is assigned to Special Projects when senior management does not know what to do with him. The executive has most likely adeptly demonstrated that he has reached his level of incompetence, a.k.a. The Peter Principle, and must now be relegated to a position in which he cannot harm himself or the company.But then an inter
Where's Jason? 2008-06-11 20:38:12 Much like Where's Waldo? it was very difficult to spot me today. That's because Bonnie Bod did not, in fact, take her life in a fit of guilt-ridden religious rage after our night of iniquity. All I know is that she wants to talk. I told Teri to make sure that Bonnie Bod always knew that I was never available. Unfortunately, Fiona the Cunt got wind that I was trying to avoid Bonnie Bod, so sh Read more:Jason
Bonnie Bod 2008-06-10 19:48:07 As it turns out, Bonnie
Bod is more than slightly psychotic. When she had my cock in her hand she was praying to god to deliver her from evil. I can only assume she meant my evil cock. And yet, she did not let go of my evil cock. I wasn’t sure if I liked her holding my evil cock or not. At first, it felt very good. But then she seemed upset that God would not deliver her from my evil co
How to Get Rid of an Office Stalker 2008-06-12 14:46:56 Bonnie Bod cornered me in my office today and wept uncontrollably. She told me that she had been unable to sleep because of the guilt and the only solution to this dilemma was for both of us to leave our respective partners and be together. That way, God would not be upset at her for cheating on the person with whom she's fornicating. I told her it was the only sensible thing to do and that we cou Read more:Stalker
Office Gambling 2008-06-17 20:19:28 A friend of mine who was accused of having a gambling problem responded with:"The only problem I have with gambling is that I can't gamble enough." Some people say I have a sex addiction. There's only one problem I have with sex and now you know what it is.Blair is on the rag again and I don't mean literally. I don't mind having sex with her when Aunt Flo is in town, but when she's Read more:Gambling
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