Owner: Dear Murray: Real Advice for Real Problems URL:http://www.dearmurray.com Join Date: Wed, 17 Oct 2007 16:44:09 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Dear Murray provides real advice for real problems. He cares just barely enough to listen, but not enough to help. Site statistics:Click here
Is it more titties in my football, or more football in my titties? 2007-10-20 13:15:22 Dear Murray,
i’ve got this friend that i’ve known for about 10 years or so, and the funny thing is that her husband and mine are best friends. whenever he comes back from being over at their house, or out to lunch with them or whatever, he’s always got a story or some drama to spill.
and it starts with her. the last time it was, “oh well she said that for as long as she’s known you you’ve only dated really rich preppy guys,”
which isn’t true. and moreover, why the fuck would you say shit like that? i never tell her husband about her antics (true or untrue) pre marriage to him… what the fuck is that about?
or this one time it was a girls night, we’re all sitting around, and someone says how cute me and my man are and she was getting sauced and announces to the group that my man didn’t even wanna go on our first date together, how he sat on their couch talking all kinds of shit about me… (wait, i’m not suppos
Whores, Incorporated 2007-10-19 12:33:02 Dear Murray
What are your thoughts on prostitution? Should it be legalized or not? It sucks having to go all the way to Tijuana to get some easy ass.
-Horny in Hollywood
Lemme tell ya, it’s a sad fucking cuntry we live in when you can sell your soul, but you can’t sell your ass. So, let’s combine these two pasttimes, why don’t we? First, we legalize prostitution. Then, we can regulate it, tax it, and make sure the hookers are clean. Then, we take that motherfucker to Wall Street. That’s right. Whores
, Inc., is gonna be the fucking biggest IPO ever to hit. Fuckers are gonna go crazy when our ticker symbol comes across the screen:
HO +45.23I CAN BUY THAT NEW HOUSE! Sure, it’s gonna have its ups and downs: condom shortages, natural drop in consumer demand right after xmas, but hell. I think the most beautiful thing I can ever imagine would be a buncha motherfucking suits running around freaking the fuck out. OH MY GOD! CHLAMYDIA OUTBREA
An open letter to my stalkers, you suck 2007-10-25 13:58:51 Dear Murray
Does it mean a guy is stalking you when he calls over 100 times in one day?
-Scared in Scarborough
Let’s not rush to judgement just yet. Maybe he’s prone to seizures and/or assdialing his cell phone. That many assdials in one day would lead me to believe that’s quite a large and talented ass, though, so that may not be likely. MAYBE HE JUST HAS A PRESENT FOR YOU AND WANTS TO SURPRISE YOU! He just wants to show you the wedding dress he bought you! Hell, I just got an email from my stalker I thought had abandoned me. It’s been 7 months since I replied to an email, and this is the best she can come up with: boo! Mornin S* u good? OH COME ON. Murray is worth so much more than THAT. How the fuck do you respond to that? How’s this? ahh. you scared me. no, really, you scared me, and it sure the fuck wasn’t the “boo”. now fuck off.
Christ. I need more articulate stalkers. If yours has half the vernacular of a fuckin fru Read more:open letter
Coffee? Never ask me about my coffee 2007-10-25 13:56:59 Dear Murray
Last time I checked I wasn’t a dog. So this morning after going to the same place ive been going for coffee for a month now, and after ordering the same drink for a month now, I decide to spice things up and order something different. I believe i have that right as a tax payer. Anywho, we’ll call her “Holly”. HOlly seemed extremely put out by me ordering this new, much harder, (apparently) coffee beverage. She actually says to me….”You arent thinking of changing your drink are you?” Im like….”Uh, just for today, then ill go back”. When I really wanted to say, “Shut up and make me my coffee”. Well after leaving….Im thinking of never going back there. should I divorce this place, or go back and order my old drink just to be sure they dont hawk a loogee in there the next time.
Sandy
Murray’s word of the day: barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrista. It’s like some sorta honorary s
His cheatin’ heart (is only a sign of how much he cares) 2007-10-30 14:45:01 Dear Murray
i’ve been dating this guy for about a year now, and a friend recently told me that he’s been cheating on me. everything has been great so far, but i know this friend wouldn’t lie to me. how can i confront him about this?
-brokenhearted in burbank
Jesus creeping Christ, could you be any more annoying? You’d best be prepared for some serious bullshit, ’cause that’s what you’re about to encounter. I once caught this ex cheating, and when she finally confessed, she said “it only made me realize that I wanted you more.” MY STUPID ASS fell for it, and you know what? The next time made her want me even more. The next time still more. Christ, by the time I dumped that woman, her entire days must have been entirely dedicated to banging other dudes and wanting me.
Now I’m not gonna say you can’t forgive him, but if yo’ stupid ass just lets this slide, you’re issuing a license for him to do it again and agai
Esteem and motivation are inversely proportionate 2007-10-30 14:40:02 Dear Murray
Do you think there is an inverse relationship between self-esteem and motivation
? Are people who are happy with themselves less driven to improve, and therefore less likely to accomplish great things, or does a healthy mental attitude equip one better for success?
-Fighting off contentment
Comfort is a fucking poison. There’s something to be said for the struggle. I hate to quote Hollywood here, but fuck. You have to hit bottom if you’re ever going to make it to the top. Let me tell you about rock bottom. After Murray moved to LA, he got a job in a Korean sweatshop/prepress lab. After four weeks of mutual hatred for each other (sweatshop owner tells Murray on Friday nights at 6 p.m. that he is supposed to work Saturday at 7 a.m., Murray says “FUCK NO”) they fired me. After seven months of unemployment and the occasional freelance gig, I was staring at rock bottom. Unemployment was running out, I had no car or friends, and to top it all
If Only You Were Lonely, Too 2007-11-01 13:55:38 Dear Murray
hey, murray, you seem to have a way with words. i try talking to women in bars, but i never seem to have any luck. maybe i’m not saying the right things. please help! tell me what to say!
-Speechless in Silverlake
You were at the Drawing Room last night, weren’t you? Well, I know each girl is different, but I don’t fucking know many who are turned on by this line “aAAARauuuuu WWAaaasssa uuuuuuuRRRRR NaaaaAAmme?” Why the fuck are dudes always coming up to me in bars asking me what they should say to pick up some girl? Shit. Several months ago, I was at the Scene and some motherfucker starts blabbing about how he really has to talk to this one girl and the best shit he can come up with is “YER BEAUTIFUL.” So I told the dude to forget that shit, and instead, he should go tell her “Hi, my name is ________, and I’m thinking of becoming a male nurse. Whaddya think?” And you know what? He fuckin pussied out Read more:Lonely
Up yer ass with Donnie Darko! 2007-11-01 13:52:04 Dear Murray
I’ve been doing this online dating thing for quite some time, but it never seems to work out. I’m an attractive, artsy girl with my own apartment, eclectic tastes and a good sense of humor. None of these guys ever want to get serious with me. All I want is a solid relationship. Is that too much to ask?
-Single in Silverlake
Oh god, please stand still for five fuckin minutes whilst I fling copies of DonnieDarko
at you while a dude in a baseball helmet gauges how fast i’m throwing. Do you go prowling for relationships? You think you’re gonna just input a couple of variables in the computer and out pops the perfect boyfriend? Christ. Didn’t you see the movie? YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER TO HOOK UP THE DOLL.
Look, you can’t force this fucking shit. You’re getting on my fucking nerves, lady. Are you one of those people who if a dude says “i think we should be friends” goes nutso screaming shit like “I don&rsquo
If you f*ckin’ can’t say it, you can’t FUCKING HAVE IT 2007-11-08 12:35:08 Dear Murray
Here’s my dilemma.
There is a dude I’ve been feelin’. He was really into me in the beginning and I honestly was using him to get over someone else. Well, I basically carried him and he kinda snapped out of it and realized how much he liked me and how uncool that was. So I realized I was feelin’ him, a lot. But by the time I did, he was backing off. He used to call all the time, come over all the time and yes we had already had s*x. We still chill every now and then, I would say once every 2-3 weeks. Without s*x, by the way. Just relaxing. Ive come clean with him and told him everything. He says that he wants to for us to get to know each other better, since we did rush into stuff. That is cool, but the he barely calls now?? So i decided, f this, I am not chasing him nemore. Well, I have not called in about a week and he called yesterday. I carried it like I did not really care. I think he noticed. He asked who I was messing with, I sai
Give him the booty. THAT’LL SHOW HIM! 2007-11-08 12:31:51 Dear Murray
By the end of the show (and he wasn’t drunk…we matched drink for drink) he was putting his arm around me. Weird. After we had sex (at his house…kind of weird) he threw on his clothes almost immediately and ushered me out the door. Needless to say, I let him in on my displeasure. I would understand if it was the first time I had been in his bedroom at his parents’ house, but it wasn’t. And the other times (we didn’t have sex) he would try to prevent me from leaving. And a while back we had a discussion about “just fucking” someone, and he had asked me (as if he were horrified about the idea) if I would ever just kick him out of bed after sex. Yet that’s just what he did. He told me that’s not what he meant, but how the fuck else should I take it? When I told him last night that it made me feel pretty fucking cheap, he was adamant that it was not his intent. I was still pretty pissed off and feeling Read more:booty
Fate ain’t nothin but the name of an ugly ass stripper 2007-11-13 12:58:34 Dear Murray
Do you believe in fate? Do you believe that things are out of our control, and no matter what we do, we can never avoid our destiny?
-namaste
Christ, they’ve just gone straight to mainlining the fuckin patchouli these days, haven’t they? Here’s the thing about fate: it’s only as good as the motherfuckers in charge of controlling it. There’s a whole bunch of people out there who think the world’s gonna end a certain way, and it’s their duty to set it in motion. Then, there’s other people who think just ’cause Billy Ray Joe Bob ran away with Sally Sue, it makes no difference, ’cause they’re destined to be together.
Listen, if I hear the word “manifestation” one more time, a motherfucker is gonna lose an eyeball. Fate is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Just move the fuck on with your life, or else fate’s gonna make your ass fat. Then when Sally kicks that wife-beatin’ Billy Ray
Are people born dumbasses, or are they just raise that way? 2007-11-13 12:55:33 Dear Murray
Are people
born faggots? I don’t like gay people and think they are bad people who molest children. My dad says they make kids gay too. I am confused because I don’t want to be gay like those Queer Eye Guys.
Taylor
Well, first of all, we’re talking about two entirely separate things here. I do believe many gay people are born that way. Whether it’s genetics or upbringing or just a matter of personal choice, I really couldn’t give a fuck. Whatever two adults wanna do in the privacy of their own home is none of my fuckin’ business, ya know? Hell, I used to watch the 700 Club every goddamned day like it was Saturday morning cartoons. I once heard Pat Robertson say that the average homosexual has 75 sexual partners per night. Well JESUS FUCKIN BUNGHOLE CHRIST! No wonder they don’t wanna come out of the closet! TOO FUCKIN’ TIRED!
Now, on the other hand, FAGGOTS like yourself are mostly bred throughout the midwest an Read more:raise
Whiny ass bitch loses grip on reality 2007-11-16 13:03:02 Dear Murray:
Me and my friends are a pretty close knit group. Admittedly, I like to be the center of attention. But don’t we all from time to time? Pretty much since the beginning, I have been the center of attention, but lately, the tide has shifted to another member of our close knit group. When this first started to happen, I didn’t think much of it. I thought that it might just be a temporary thing, but after a little over a month of the same thing, I am growing increasingly impatient. This may seem shallow of me, but I’m having a tough time not being .1 anymore. What should I do? Should I have a talk with my friends and tell them what’s going on, or should I keep quiet and let the resentment fester and get worse, or ahhhh! I just want to scream. I feel bad because the person that the attention has shifted to is a good friend of mine, so I don’t want to have these jealous feelings, but I can’t help it. The group consists of 2 girls Read more:reality
Your ass smells like your foot, your foot smells like ASS 2007-11-14 12:42:31 Dear Murray
I’m having a problem with foot odor. Whenever I get intimate with a girl, and take my shoes off, it kills the moment. It’s ruining my sex life. Please help!
-Fungied in Franklin Hills
Oh jesus. This reminds me of those Gold Bond powder commercials. You know the ones. GOLD BOND STOPS MALE ITCH. I knew this guy in college. I won’t call him a friend because, well, he disgusted and annoyed the fuck out of me. He would wear sandals with socks and you could fuckin smell nothing but feet within a 20 mile radius of this motherfucker. We were watching a movie in this little newsroom lounge and the fucker was eating Cheetos. Now, all people have the same issue when dealing with eating Cheetos. Some people prefer to suck the cheese powder off their fingertips. Myself, I like to wash my hands. What this motherfucker did, however, blows my mind to this very day. He held his fucking fingers up to his mouth like a toothbrush and began “brushing&rdquo
Cocksucking for benefits and a 401k 2007-11-20 13:21:05 Dear Murray
People disgust me. I hate them. Everytime I turn around, someone is doing something else that makes me want to climb up into a clocktower with a rifle. Today, I almost threw a stapler at my co worker for snapping her gum. Am I turning into a sociopath?
- Signed, Infected With Rage
Work will do that to ya. Among the various cocksucking jobs Murray has had in his lifetime, once I worked for this publishing company. So Cocksucker in Chief (C.i.C.) comes to Murray and says “We need you to create a table of contents for Cocksucking Encyclopedia and send it right over to cocksuckingamazon.com.” This might not seem like an odd request, BUT A TABLE OF CONTENTS FOR A COCKSUCKING ENCYCLOPEDIA IS NOTHING BUT THE COCKSUCKING ALPHABET.
Murray: “Do you seriously want me to type up the alphabet and send it to cocksuckingamazon.com?”
C.i.C.: “Let me get back to you on that.”
THREE fucking days later, C.i.C. comes back to me and says &ldquo
Desperate to bang anything! 2007-11-19 12:40:21 Dear Murray
I just realized that the woman who often reminisces about her high school marching band days, and whose brand of humor entails reproducing gastrointestinal sounds is getting more deep dickin’ that I am. I don’t think it’s very fair because I don’t think she’s accepted the fact that she might be a lesbian, and that I like dick a lot more than her. AND I have better hair, my boobs are perkier, and I know how much wood a woodchuck chucks if a wood chuck could chuck wood (3 lbs.).
Should I go out and fuck the:
§ Company Hyena
§ CEO’s son
§ 23 year old kid I met this weekend who might have an Asian fetish but is still pretty sexy and it’s not anything
serious anyway…
§ next thing that goes to the watercooler?
OR?
Sincerely,
Cobwebs in My Crotch
This is such a fucking rhetorical question. You can’t introduce someone as the “Company Hyena” and not expect that to be the natural choice. We all know that dude. He has the grating laugh and corner Read more:Desperate
The cost of dating and the good sex discount 2007-11-27 13:40:04 Dear Murray
if two people are having incredible sex, enjoying themselves immensely (sexually and otherwise), and in generally just being happy, how do they carry on? as a couple? as singletons? should they date other people? should they not, but not commit all the same? how shoudl they behave? like wanton bunnies? like bff? help!
love,
-two good sex havers
Oh, some fuckin problem you’re having. there are people with much bigger problems than the two of yous. you know why? there are people out there having this very same dilemma right now, and they are having LOUSY sex! fucking lousy ass oops OH GOD SOMEONE MADE A PUDDLE sex.
so if you want me to feel sorry for someone, well, it’s not them, either. i’m not gonna feel pity for a lousy lay. christ. there oughtta be a refund line. keep your receipts!
10/30/07
Del Taco
———
$2.39 nachos
$0.99 taters
$1.29 soda
-$0.00 amazing sex discount (n/a)
_________
=$4.67 YOUR ASS OWES ME!
fuck. quit wo
Zen and the Art of Dating Assholes 2007-12-04 14:00:10 Dear Murray
I met the nicest guy, and all I can think about is “oh, how cute. He won’t last long.” What is wrong with me?!
I really don’t want the cock. I just want someone to be nice to me. (sigh)
–Your Fav Career Gal
PS Well, the cock MIGHT be nice, I just dunno if I want it hanging around too long (no pun intended, I assure you)
Whoever said nice guys don’t win hasn’t been fucking reading Dear Murray lately. The nice guys are getting ALL the fuckin action up in this place. Are you people taking notes? MURRAY IS A NICE GUY, TOO! Can’t ya fucking tell? And I’m getting freaky more than R. Kelly at a middle school dance.
The problem is this. I hear women tell me all the fucking time “I want a guy to treat me nice. I’m tired of so-and-so doing this-and-that.” Shut the fuck up already. If you’re tired of mothafuckas treating you like shit, dump the fucker already. It’s that fucking easy. Read more:Zen
, Dating
, Assholes
Dudes are growing invisible vaginas 2007-12-03 13:47:31 Dear Murray
I was friends with this girl for a really long time and my best friend was in love with her a couple years ago.. She never liked him like that.. Just recently.. Starting a little over a month ago, we started hanging out more.. The whole group of us, and her and I started showing each other more attention(Honestly, she was the one in our group that didn’t get much attention, so I wanted to see if I could get her to like me by showering her with attention).. We grew closer and closer and it got to a point where I just needed to know what was going on, so I asked her how she felt about me and it turned out that she liked me as much as I liked her.. So, we went out on a ‘date.’ This is all behind the scenes because we don’t want any of the rest of our group to find out about any of it. On the date, we had a great time, and just before we left to come home, I kissed her. We kissed all the way home, and then went to my house and kissed all n Read more:invisible
Dyin' to Jerk it 2007-12-11 13:12:58 Dear Murray
I’ve heard rumors about how masturbating can make you weak. I’ve heard how athletes abstain from sexual activity prior to a game because it drains their energy or adversely affects their stamina. Is there any truth to the rumor that either getting some, or beating your meat can adversely affect athletic performance?
-Petered Outin Pennsylvania
Lemme tell ya about my FAVORITE RELIGION: Tantra. Aww yeah. I don’t mean in one of those “hey, i’ll go to a workshop and learn how to tickle you with a feather” bullshit kinda ways. Any religion that believes that the fastest way to heaven is through mutual sexual bliss is THE RIGHT FUCKING DOGMA FOR ME!
They believe that men lose vitality through ejaculation, so they just learn how not to. Instead of shooting it out, they direct it inward. FUCKIN’ COOL. On the other hand, there are the practitioners of black Tantra. The whole point of it is to absorb energy from others through
Moving to Bum Fucking Nowhere for a Piece of Ass 2007-12-10 13:44:25 Dear Murray
I have a friend is just in love with a guy from the East Coast. She’s married, but soon to be not. The two of them have recently decided to get a little closer, starting with the possiblity of a move. He is free to go wherever he wants, she, on the other hand is not. Family issues keep her where she is. He is considering the move to her, which is a completely different way of life, and total culture shock. Is it really fair to ask someone to do that for another with no promises of commitment?
~ someone in the armpit of America
Goddamn, that ain’t love, that’s fucking INSANITY. Going from the east coast to mid-america ain’t just culture shock, it’s fucking electrocution. So, let’s look at the pros and cons of moving to the Bible belt.
PRO: You can pretty much smoke anywhere you want, including Burger King, even if you work there, and while you’re making sammiches.
well, ok. that’s the only pro.
CON: The weekend hotspot is APPLE Read more:Moving
, Nowhere
Pubic Topiaries are the Fashion of the Future! 2007-12-18 13:41:25 Dear Murray
Do guys prefer hair “down there” to be completely shaved or do they like a landing strip? Do men these days even like big 70’s bush anymore? By the way…are you circumsized? Inquiring minds wanna know.
Agatha
Kansas City, Ks.
Well, obviously, you’re on the Kansas side of the river, considering you gotta be ASKING this question. They trim that shit in MIZZOU!
Personally, I can’t think of any vaginal coifs that I’d go running from. No, wait. I just did. If you’ve cut that shit into a rat-tail vag mullet, keep it da fuck away from me! Gagged on one of those mothafuckas before! Never again!
Seriously, though, do whatever the fuck makes you feel good. Some women feel all dirty if they got a big fuckin’ topiary down there. If you’re dating a dude who refuses to go down there just ’cause there’s a little more hair than usual, then he oughtta consider being gay, ’cause he sure the fuck does Read more:Future
, Fashion
Lovin' like a broken fucking record 2007-12-14 17:37:11 Dear Murray
So..here we go. I am leaving to move from va to the cheese state in a few and I currently am in a relatively new relationship - but its more complicated than that. I have been friends (and actually engaged) at previous points to this same person before.
I want to express the way I feel for him - the fact that I love him and to an extent dont want to move because I want to be with him - although I do realize that I am going to leave anyway.
Should I tell him that I love him although I will be leaving next month and that it could possibly “complicate” things later on - the whole us getting way too attached to each other only to be separated by lots of distance - I need help..what do you think?
-bleeding cheese heart
You need help, alright. You’ve been friends, you’ve dated, you’ve been engaged. A number of times. Give it up already. Are you 17 years old? It’s not fucking
working. OK?
Here’s what’ll happen. You&rsq
Stalking you, stalking me 2008-02-29 01:06:19 Creepin’ christ, you fucking kooks. Dearmurray.com is a privately-owned blog. If I had corporate backing, do you think my site would look so shitty and be powered by WordPress with a fucking out of the box premade template? Oh, and wordpress is a free install with a godaddy hosting account, dipshits. No domain mapping whatever [...]
Goin to the Chapel, and We’re… Gonna Get Herpes 2008-02-25 17:34:48 Dear Murray:
I need your help. I have this friend who has been in a relationship for about 10 years. They’ve been engaged for the past four years, but about a year ago, my friend got suspicious of her fiance and went through his wallet. She found out that he had been soliciting prostitutes. The next [...] Read more:Chapel
Does this blog make me look fat? 2008-03-19 13:32:11 Dear Murray,
Let’s share the love a little bit, here. After all those shrill, self-righteous rants I just read against fat people, I’m feeling a little left out. You see, I’m a recovering anorexic. I am 5′8″ tall, and at various points in my life I’ve weighed as little as 85 pounds. I have never tried [...]
Did anyone ever tell you you look like? 2008-03-27 13:08:54 Dear Murray,
Why do so many strangers think I look like someone they know? Is the gene pool slipping so much that we are all looking alike? Should I just become a body double?
Signed,
No, I’m not that guy.
You know it’s a sad state of society when one of the first questions potential datees ask you is [...]
Leave the damned kitten in the tree! 2008-04-07 12:35:35 Dear Murray,
I’m six years younger than him, but already I can tell I’ve been through so much more Life. He sounds so naive sometimes, and I haven’t even told him. Oh Murray, I just couldn’t bear to see him hurt.
What am I to do?
-Wise Beyond My Years
You have a duty to break that mothafucka in [...] Read more:Leave
, damned
In case of DICK, break glass 2008-05-07 13:27:34 Dear Murray -
I am in love. It is honestly the most healthy open relationship I’ve ever been in, and he treats me better than I could have ever expected. But I have issues(who doesn’t?). he has a lot of friends who are girls, he always has…I was one of them at one point. it makes [...]
Pissdrinking for Profit 2008-05-29 13:43:17 Dear Murray:
I’m so fed up with my job. The company I work for is the most boring company on the face of the Earth. We make books for real estate appraisers. Real boring shit. Some of the people around here get excited about this shit, and it makes me just want to shit in the [...]
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