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Funny Jokes and Humor - New Boat 2006-12-09 18:59:51 Funny Jokes
and Humor
- New Boat
My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"
Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
Inspirational Quotes
Funny Quotes
Funny Quotes Read more:Funny
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There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays 2006-12-09 18:56:48 Oh There's No Place
Like Home Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays 'Cause no matter how far away you roam When you pine for the sunshine Of a friendly face For the holidays, you can't beat Home, sweet home I met a man who lives in Tennessee And he was headin' for Pennsylvania And some home made pumpkin pie >From Pennsylvania folks a travelin' down To Dixie'’s sunny shore >From Atlantic to Pacific, gee The traffic is terrific Oh there's no place like home For the holidays, 'cause no matter How far away you roam If you want to be happy in a million ways For the holidays, you can't beat Home, sweet home Famous QuotesFamous QuotesFamous QuotesWeblog AwardsFamous QuotesChristmas QuotesFunny Quotes Read more:Holidays
Funny Jokes - Did you see that? 2006-12-09 18:10:00 Funny Jokes
-
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, overthere."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?" Read more:Funny
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A minute 2006-12-05 16:08:31 A minute
Q. How long is a minute?
A. It depends on which side of the bathroom door that you're on!
Affirmations for Pessimists 2006-12-04 17:06:16 Affirmations for Pessimists
Don't try beating 'em or joining 'em. Either hang out by yourself or quit.
Seek, and you shall be disappointed.
Knock, and the door shall be slammed in your face.
If you don't have anything nice to say, welcome to the club.
Did you ever sit back and evaluate your life and think, "Wow, things aregoing just as I always wanted them to?" I didn't think so - me either. Read more:Affirmations
Affirmations for Pessimists 2006-12-04 17:05:43 Affirmations for Pessimists
Don't try beating 'em or joining 'em. Either hang out by yourself or quit.
Seek, and you shall be disappointed.
Knock, and the door shall be slammed in your face.
If you don't have anything nice to say, welcome to the club.
Did you ever sit back and evaluate your life and think, "Wow, things aregoing just as I always wanted them to?" I didn't think so - me either. Read more:Affirmations
IMPORTANT STOCK WARNING 2006-12-01 18:55:48 IMPORTANT STOCK WARNING:
Normally we avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stock, but we felt
this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove
to be yet another ENRON.
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can,
Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.
I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.
You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and
millions were wiped clean!
It's a tough market out there. Be careful.
A Teenager Is 2006-12-11 02:35:33 A Teenager
Is...
...someone who can't remember to walk the dog each day but
never forgets a phone number he heard once.
...a weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy
bars before breakfast.
...someone who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it
on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on
Wednesday.
...someone who can pick out the voice of a friend from three
blocks away,
The Shrinking Man 2006-12-11 02:33:33 A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray.
He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't
reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal
man's thumb.
He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his
diminutive size didn't affect Walter's work too much.
Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship.
His lab Read more:Shrinking
A vampire bat 2006-12-11 02:33:15 A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh
blood. He parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some
sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started
hassling him about where he'd got it. He told them to piss off
and let him get some sleep.
However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow
me," he said as he flapped out of the
OVERSLEEPING 2006-12-12 02:36:27 OVERSLEEPING
One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got on he said to the ticket man, "Sir, I really need you to do me a favor. I have to get off this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I'll fall asleep. What I'd like you to do is wake me up in Mannheim. I have to close a business deal there and it is very important for my career. I'll give you a 100 francs to be sure I get off the train there. But I warn you, sometimes when people wake me up I can get really violent. No matters what I do or say, you have to get me off this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"
The ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said, he'd fallen asleep. When he woke up, he realized that he was now in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over to him and started yelling, "Are you STUPID or something??? I paid you 100 francs so you'd be sure to wake me up in Mannheim and you didn't! You've ruined my career!! I w
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS 2006-12-13 20:42:27 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONSFORMER FEMA CHIEF VOWS TO MAKE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS BY MARCH 1Michael Brown Apologizes For DelayFormer Federal Emergency Management Agency director Michael Brown said todaythat he had not yet made his New Year's resolutions for 2006 but vowed tohave them done by March 1 "at the very latest."Mr. Brown apologized for the delay at a Washington press conference that wasoriginally called for ten o'clock this morning but was not actually helduntil four in the afternoon.The former FEMA chief, visibly embarrassed by not having made his New Year'sresolutions in a timely fashion, said that he had been "caught unawares" bythe change in years."I turned on the TV and saw that ball dropping, and I was like, holy cow, Ibetter get on this," Mr. Brown said.Despite his delay in making his resolutions, Mr. Brown said he expects 2006to be a big year for him and his new disaster preparedness consulting firm,adding, "By the end of 2006, the name Michael Brown will be synonymous
Everything ends this way 2006-12-14 17:38:00 Funny Jokes -
Everything
ends this way in France - everything. Weddings, christenings, duels, funerals, swindlings, diplomatic affairs - everything is a pretext for a good dinner.Jean Anouilh (1910-1987) French dramatist, screenwriter
Don't Mensa your words 2006-12-15 16:51:09 Don't Mensa
your words
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life
Perspective... 2006-12-18 01:22:04 Perspective...
As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile. "Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged." "Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet." Read more:Perspective
Funny Jokes - A tale of a jogger 2006-12-18 23:55:12 A tale of a jogger
You see there was this jogger. He was regular in his exercise andquite punctual.
Every morning he'd follow the same route, passing the same bagelcart. And each day he'd toss 60 cents onto the counter of thebagel cart as he passed.
And, no, this does not define a yuppy jog-by coining...
One day he was hewing to his usual habit when he noticed thatthe guy at the bagel cart had taken after him and was callingfor him to stop.
He stopped, waited for the bagel guy to catch up, and then said,"I know, I know, you want to know why I drop 60 cents on yourcounter each day, right?"
"No, that's not it," replied the bagel cart guy, "I just thoughtyou should know that bagels are now 75 cents each." Read more:Funny
, Jokes
, Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes - Superstition 2006-12-18 23:27:59 Funny Jokes
- Superstition
Don't you know it's bad luck to be superstitious?
I thank my lucky stars I'm not superstitious!
Superstition, n. - Another person's religion
HEALTH FOOD2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore.Here, eat this root Read more:Funny
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Relationships 2006-12-18 23:18:53 Relationships
I'm feeling a little sad today ...My wife left me...!! I guess Ijust don't understand women. After the last child was born, my wifetold me that we had to start cutting back on expenses -- and that Ihad to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker; maybe a 12 pack on weekends..., and a coupleof cold ones during the week on the way home from work. Anyway, Igave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from groceryshopping and when I looked at the receipt, I saw $45 for makeup.I said, "Hey, wait a minute! I've given up beer and you haven't givenup anything!"She said, "I buy that makeup, just so I can look pretty for you."I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" Somehow I don'tthink she'll be coming back...!!Women, go figure.. Read more:Relationships
Funny Jokes - Christmas Jokes - Holiday Jokes 2006-12-23 23:40:00 Funny Jokes
- Christmas
Jokes - Holiday
Jokes
Which Holiday Relative Are You?
Please circle the letter that best describes your response below.
Funny Jokes
- Funny Sayings
1. When dinner is served, what do you say?A. Is the turkey done? How are the mashed potatoes? Could Imake some more gravy?B. I get first pick! I paid for that turkey.C. Who needs their wine topped off?D. I want to open presents first.E. Please pass the salad, and no, I'm not dating anybody.F. Why is everybody here? It's not my birthday, is it?G. Are you going to finish that? I'll be glad to finishthat for you.
2. When opening gifts, what do you say?A. I'm going to save this pretty wrapping paper.B. I paid $57.95 for that and he's playing with the box!Play with the toy!!C. I don't need another 12-step book.D. This stinks! I wanted a pokeasurusmon game.E. Oh, great. Another tablecloth. I can use this whileeating take-out every night.F. This is a wonderful hat. I can keep my governmentsecrets in here.G. Woo Read more:Funny
, Christmas Jokes
Funny Jokes - Cat Jokes - Why Cats Are Better Than Women 2006-12-24 14:53:00 Funny Jokes
- Cat Jokes
Why Cats Are Better Than Women
A cat doesn't know what a remote control is. A cat loves you until it dies. You don't have to tell your cat you love it - it knows you do. A cat likes to be petted, anywhere, anytime. Cats don't expect breakfast in the morning. Cats don't ly, quibble, argue, pout. Everything you do is interesting. Cats need little space, a sunny spot in the window will do. Cats don't smoke, drink, do drugs. You don't have to tell a cat it's pretty. A cat doesn't care if you haven't shaved for two days. A cat doesn't want to borrow money from you. Cats love to scrap bills and taxforms. You don't need to buy your cat expensive presents on it's birthday. You don't need to buy your cats mother expensive presents on her birthday. Read more:Funny
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THE FIRE 2006-12-26 01:55:37 THE FIREDuring an ecumenical gathering someone rushed in and shouted, "The building is on fire!" Immediately...The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayedThe BAPTISTS cried, "Where is the water?"The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessing that fire bringsThe LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evilThe ROMAN CATHOLICS passed a collection plateThe EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched outThe CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "Every man for himself...."The FUNDAMENTALISTS shouted. "It's the vengeance of God!"The JEWS posted symbols on the door hoping that the fire would passThe JEHOVAH' S WITNESSES passed out literature about the fireThe MORMONS ran late-night TV commercials for free videos of the fireThe CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS agreed among themselves that there was not a fireThe SCIENTOLOGISTS charged admission to the fire, andThe PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and make a written report to
Signalman Test 2006-12-26 01:53:43 Signalman Test
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He wastold to meet the inspector at the signal box for his test.
The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that 2trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of thetrains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "andI'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box andphone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was being used or busy?"
"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out ofthe box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossingup there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle." BillyBob answered.
"Your uncle?! Why would you get your uncle??"
"Heck, he's never seen a train crash before."
Favorite Types of Jokes 2006-12-26 01:52:45 Favorite Types of Jokes
Tiffany Wimberley asked, "What is your favorite kind of humor?"
Here are some of the answers she got:
Veteranerians: Shaggy Dog Stories
Olympic swimmers: Tom Swifties
Hockey Players: Slapstick
Track Stars: Running gags
Swingers: Conundrums
Architects: Top Ten Lists
Eye Doctors: Sight gags
Swingers: Conundrums
Adult Entertainers: Comic strips
Lawyers: Bar jokes
Farmers: Corny jokes
Nannys: Dry humor
Nymphomaniacs: Satyre and Boners
Kidnappers: Gags
Twins: Doubletalk
Door to Door Salesmen: Knock-Knock Jokes
Silverware makers: Spoonerisms Read more:Favorite
What Is A Friend? 2006-12-26 01:52:14 What Is A Friend?
A friend may be like a bra - lifting you up - but a GREAT friend is like apair of Jockey shorts: They keep your private things private, and they coveryour backside.
THE CURSED DIAMOND 2006-12-26 01:50:54 THE CURSED
DIAMONDA buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world," she boasted. "The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz."
"What a diamond!"
"How lucky you are!"
"Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel," said the diamonded lady. "Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous Lipshitz curse!"
The ladies buzzed and asked, "And what's the Lipshitz curse?"
"Mr Lipshitz," sighed the lady.
Stupid and Clever 2006-12-26 01:50:07 A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.
Bertrand Russell Read more:Stupid
, Clever
New Wine 2006-12-26 01:44:23 New Wine
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines have developed anew hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected toreduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bath-room during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as Pinot More.
Top Ten Things a Consultant Shouldn't Tell a Client 2006-12-28 21:16:12 Top Ten
Things a Consultant
Shouldn't Tell a Client
10. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it.
9. You should see the hotel I'm staying at.
8. Hey, I just realized I was in junior high when you started working here.
7. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here when you're gone.
6. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving.
5. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school.
4. So what do you need me to tell you?
3. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so.
2. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a three month project.
1. What are you, stupid?
Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO 2006-12-28 23:11:20 Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap
HMO
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure,"3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of"War and Peace,"4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.5. Annual breast exam conducted at hooters.6. Exam room has a tip jar.7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrumenttray just before the anesthesia kicked in.8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning,"11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on MiaFarrow's doorstep.14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walkaround with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
Q and A 2006-12-28 23:10:30 Q. ] What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?A. ] Now I herd everything. --The Placebo Page
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Wry bread: The loaf with the crooked smile.
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Copper Nitrate- What policemen get paid for workingovertime in the evening.
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The Indian: "How do I love thee? Without reservation."
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