Owner: Funny Jokes URL:http://www.jokes-joke.com/ Join Date: Sat, 09 Dec 2006 14:35:34 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Funny Jokes and humor on a variety of topics posted from time to time, sometimes daily, sometimes every couple of days. Site statistics:Click here
Bubba Becomes a CatholicBubba Becomes a Catholic..... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Bubba Becomes a Catholic
Bubba Becomes a Catholic..Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grilland cook a scrumptious venison steak. Unfortunately, all of Bubba'sneighbors were Catholic. And since it was Friday, they were forbiddento eat meat.They complained to Bubba, but he just laughed and said, "I wuz born aBaptist and I wuz raised a Baptist. And we eat meat whenever we wantto."The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such aproblem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to theirpriest.The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become aCatholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass tojoin the church. And as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, hesaid, "Bubba, you were born a Baptist, and you were raised a Baptist,but now you are a Catholic."Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved... until Friday night arrived.Once again, the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled theneighborhood. The ne Read more:Bubba
One Day To LiveOne Day To Live
Barry returned fro... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 One Day To LiveOne Day To LiveBarry
returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wifeCarolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Ofcourse she agreed and they made passionate love.Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, nowonly have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"Carolyn agreed and again they made love.Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had onlyeight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn 's shoulder and said,"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed,then afterward s he rolled over and fell asleep.Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossedand turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tappedhis wife on the shoulder to wake her up"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning --but you d Read more:One Day
Bubba went to a psychiatristBubba went to a psychi... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Bubba went to a psychiatristBubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed Ithink there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.""Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to methree times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.""How much do you charge?""Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever cometo see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist."Well $80 a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! Abartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that Iwent and bought me a new pickup!""Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?""He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!" Read more:Bubba
The Difference Between Men and WomenThe Difference... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The Difference Between Men and WomenThe Difference Between Men and WomenQ: What is the difference between a woman and a man?A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.The Difference Between Men and Women
MENSA INVITATIONALFamous Quotes
MENSA INVITATIONA... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 MENSA INVITATIONALFamous Quotes
MENSA INVITATIONAL The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take anyword from the Dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing oneletter, and supplying a new definition.The 2006 winners are:1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders thesubject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realizethat it was your money to start with.4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideasfrom penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breakingdown in the near future.6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of gettinglaid.7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcas
Funny Jokes 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Funny Jokes
Commandment 1.Marriages are made in heaven. But, soagain, are thunder and lightning.Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen andpay strict attention to every word you say, talk inyour sleep.Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce isat least 100 grand!Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. Inthe first year of marriage, the man speaks and thewoman listens. In the second year, the woman speaksand the man listens.In the third year, they both speakand the neighbors listen.Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his carfor his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either thecar is new or the wife is.Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and womanbecome as one. The trouble starts when they try todecide which one.Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awakeall night thinking about something you say. Aftermarriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who isbeautiful,understanding, economical, and a good cook. B Read more:Funny
, Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes - Sleeping with Mom 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Funny JokesSleeping
with MomEver notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than200 adult voices?Several years ago, I returned home from a trip justwhen a storm hitwith crashing thunder and severe lightning. As Icame into my bedroomabout 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with mywife. They hadapparently been scared by the loud storm. I resignedmyself to sleepin the guest bedroom that night.The next day, I talked to the children, andexplained that it was OKto sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when Iwas expectedhome, please don't sleep with Mom that night. Theysaid OK.After my next trip several weeks later my wife andthe childrenpicked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.Since the planewas late, everyone had come into the terminal towait for my plane'sarrival, along with hundreds of other folks waitingfor theirarriving passengers.As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, andcame runningshouting,"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"As waved back, I said loudly, " Read more:Funny
, Funny Jokes
Don't DespairDon't Despair
Sitting by the window ... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Don't DespairDon't DespairSitting
by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home! one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied."Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
Southernness - Southern WomenSouthernness - Southe... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Southernness - Southern WomenSouthernness - Southern WomenSouthern women appreciate their natural assets:Clean skin.A winning smile.That unforgettable Southern drawl.Southern women know their manners:"Yes, ma'am.""Yes, sir.""Why, no, Billy!"Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:"Y'all come back!""Well, bless your heart.""Drop by when you can.""How's your Momma?"Southern women know their summer weather report:HumidityHumidityHumiditySouthern women know their vacation spots:The beachThe rivuhThe crickSouthern women know the joys of June, July, and August:Colorful hi-heel sandalsStrapless sun dressesIced sweet tea with mintSouthern women know everybody's first name:HoneyDarlin'ShugahSouthern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:Fried Green TomatoesDriving Miss DaisySteel MagnoliasGone With The WindSouthern women know their religions:BaptistMethodistFootballSouthern women know their country breakfasts:Red-eye gravyGritsEggsCountry hamMouth-watering homem Read more:Southern
Irish Jokes - Funny JokesIrish Jokes - Funny Jok... 2007-03-03 15:12:00 Irish Jokes
- Funny
JokesIrish Jokes - Funny JokesOnly Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.- Alex LevineFunny Quotations Read more:Irish
A touching storyIn 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holid... 2007-03-03 00:41:00 A touching
storyIn 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen-aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creature
Drink, Steal, Swear and LieDrink, Steal, Swear and... 2007-03-02 23:27:00 Drink, Steal
, Swear
and LieDrink, Steal, Swear and LieFOUR RULES TO LIVE BY I met this guy while I was in Memphis and he has a motto he lives by everyday. He said listen carefully and live by these 4 rules: Drink, Steal, Swear, and Lie. I was shaking my head no, but he then told me to listen while he explained his four rules. So here they are: 1. Drink from the everlasting cup every day. 2. Steal a moment to help someone that is in worse shape than you are. 3. Swear that you will be a better person today than yesterday. 4. And last, but not least, when you lie down at night thank God you live in America and have freedom. Live simply... Love generously... Care deeply... Speak kindly... Leave the rest to God. Read more:Drink
Retirement Jokes - FAQ on RetirementFAQ on Retirem... 2007-03-05 21:57:00 Retirement Jokes
- FAQ on RetirementFAQ on RetirementQuestion: How many days in a week?Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?Answer: Tied shoes.Question: Why do retirees count pennies?Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?Answer: NUTS!Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kidswill want to store stuff there.Question: What do
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO DRUNK WHENYOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO ... 2007-03-05 21:54:00 YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO DRUNK WHENYOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO DRUNK WHEN1) Your job interferes with your drinking.2) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.3) Career won't progress beyond Senator.4) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.5) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.6) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!7) You can focus better with one eye closed.8) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.9) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.10) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, forget dinner!11) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.12) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.13) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.14) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Don't step on ducks! 2007-03-10 20:26:00 Funny Jokes -Don't step on ducks! Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest old man she ever saw. St.Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.She manages to go months without ste
Wisconsin 2007-03-10 20:22:00 Funny Jokes - Wisconsin
The United States is the land of my birthThe strongest and wealthiest country on earth.But the states aren't all equal, I'm sorry to say...Wisconsin's the pick of the 50 today.I like S. Dakota, Montana and Maine.But it's here in Wisconsin I proudly remain.With walleyes and fish fries and hot apple pieAnd the Badgerland motto:Eat Cheese or Die!We've got forests and prairiesBreweries and dairiesSkiing on water and skiing on snow>From Big Bend to BayfieldPotosi to PlainfieldThe lucky ones live in Wisconsin.Arizona's too dry,Colorado's too highIn Alaska you'll freeze and in Georgia you'll fry.Hawaii's so distant it's barely existent,California is crumbling; let's all wave good-bye.Nevada's too empty, the deserts don't tempt meIn Kansas a forest is just one lonesome tree.New York is an anthill, a flesh-and-blood landfill,And too many lawyers run loose in DC.We've got silos and steeplesAnd down-to-earth people.Holsteins a-plenty and Guernseys galore.>Fro
Whistle! 2007-03-10 08:42:00 Whistle!Old man Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park. They sat down on a bench to rest for awhile, and soon began to overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby.Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realized that the young man they were hearing was about to propose! Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle to let that young couple know that someone can hear them.""Whistle?" Murphy replied. "Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?" Read more:Whistle
Funny Jokes - Today's Rules for City Driving 2007-03-13 23:05:00 Funny Jokes
-Today
's Rules
for City Driving
1. Never, EVER slow down when a light turns yellow. Ifyou're within half a block of a stop light when it turnsyellow, put the pedal to the metal.2. When attempting to enter a street from any parking lot,make sure that at least the front third of your car issticking out into the nearest lane.3. When it starts raining, completely lose your ability todrive and act as if you've never done it before.4. Using your turn signals is absolutely prohibited, exceptin limited circumstances, such as when you're five feet fromthe corner. NEVER use your signal when you're making a rightturn and someone is waiting to pull out into YOUR lane.5. A red light is not TRULY red until five seconds after theyellow light goes out. Read more:Funny
, Funny Jokes
Too dumb to be a criminal. 2007-03-15 19:32:00 Funny JokesToo dumb to be a criminal.A German bank robber has been advised by a judge to go straight becausehe lacks the talent for crime.Marko N, 28, from Dusseldorf, was already waiting outside the bank hewas planning to rob before it opened in the morning.Dressed in shorts, a sleeveless shirt and a woollen hat, he soonattracted attention as he spent three hours plucking up the courage togo inside.When he finally went into the bank, he pulled his hat down over hisface but he couldn't see because he had cut the eyeholes in the wrongplace.Ripping off the cap in frustration, he walked straight past a securitycamera, providing what Judge Wolfram Schnorr mockingly praised as"first-class pictures".The would-be robber then threatened a cashier with a pistol-shapedlighter, but she told him to get lost.He took her advice but was immediately arrested by police officerswaiting for him outside.At his trial at Dusseldorf district court, Judge Schnorr advised MarkoN against trying again. "You'd
Why I hate driving in Los Angeles 2007-03-17 03:21:00 Funny JokesWhy I hate driving in Los Angeles
1. You must first learn to pronounce the cityname, it is L A 2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon.The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday'srush hour starts on Thursday morning. 3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freewaysis 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expectedto match the highway number. Anything less isconsidered "Wussy". 4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.L A has its own version of traffic rules. For example,cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at afour-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires gosecond. However, in Malibu, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way. 5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, youwill be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. 6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It'sanother offense that can get you shot. 7. Road construction is permanent and continuousin all of L A and Orange count Read more:Los Angeles
Slap to Steven 2007-03-24 06:36:00 Funny Jokes - Slap to Steven
A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and sses Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese"."Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."Quotes
A Potpourri 2007-03-28 06:27:00 A Potpourri
Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll! Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV, why does it make me feel so much smarter? A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. I tried to get in touch with my inner child but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers. I have to take my paycheck to the bank. it's too little to go by itself. We're lucky to have C-SPAN. Not many countries can watch their government inaction. Mountaintop Glue-Ru: "Stick to it! Stick with it! Stick it out! Stick to your guns! Stick up for yourself! ..." I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it. Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline. If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line. Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep to the posted speed limit.
PERFECT CUPCAKES 2007-03-28 06:26:00 Funny Jokes -PERFECT CUPCAKESHarold arrived at his brother's house and was surprised to find the youngest child Timmy, helping his parents bake cupcakes. When the cupcakes were baked Timmy's mom asked him to ice them. When he finished Timmy brought his creations into the living room to show the grownups.Harold admired Timmy's icing efforts and said, "The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." Harold bit into a cupcake and smiled. "Timmy these are so good," he exclaimed. Taking another cupcake he added, "These cupcakes are so beautiful, how did you get them iced so evenly and smooth?"As Harold took another large bite Timmy replied, "It was easy! I licked them."Famous QuotesEaster Recipes
Famous Quotes and Famous Sayings on Wordpress.com 2007-03-29 08:20:00 Funny Jokes - FamousQuotes
and Famous Sayings
on Wordpress
.comhttp://sayings.wordpress.com/tag/love-quotes/page/2http://sayings.wordpress.com/tag/quotes/page/16/http://sayings.wordpress.com/2007/01/10/january-sayings/http://sayings.wordpress.com/2007/03/05/sayings-famous-sayings-21/http://sayings.wordpress.com/tag/cute-quoteshttp://sayings.wordpress.com/2006/08/18/sayings-famous-sayings-13/http://quotes.wordpress.com/2006/07/01/quotes-famous-quotes-love-quotes/http://quotes.wordpress.com/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_biggrin.gifhttp://quotes.wordpress.com/2006/11/page/9/http://quotes.wordpress.com/2006/07/26/quotes-famous-quotes-marie-curie-2/http://quotes.wordpress.com/page/108/http://sayings.wordpress.com/tag/inspirational-sayings/page/3/http://quotes.wordpress.com/2006/08/07/quotes-famous-quotes-ruin-your-life/http://sayings.wordpress.com/2006/10/page/4/http://quotes.wordpress.com/page/83/http://quotes.wordpress.com/tag/humor/page/5/http://quotes.wordpress.com/2006/09/06/911-writ Read more:Famous Quotes
Kid Wisdom 2007-03-29 04:32:00 Funny JokesKid Wisdom
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Don'tanswer.Never tell your mom her diet's not working.Stay away from prunes.Don't pull your dad's finger when he tells you to.Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room asyour school assignment.If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom whenshe's on the phone.famous quotes
Beethoven's Ninth 2007-03-30 18:07:00 Funny Jokes - Funny JokesBeethoven
's Ninth
Several years ago, the Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra had scheduled Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Zubha Mehta. At the last moment Mehta became ill and it was necessary to find a substitute.They were able to convince Professor Theodore Badder from U. C. L. A.Classical Music Department, an expert in Beethoven's Symphonies and a noted conductor in his own right, to pinch-hit.The Fourth Movement of Beethoven's Choral Symphony, as it is better known, is unusual in several ways.First it uses not only a chorus but several soloists as instruments during the famous "Ode to Joy" in the fourth movement.Second, the bass players hate playing Beethoven's 9th. There's a long segment in this movement where the bass viols don't have a thing to do, not a single note for page after page!It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the last movement that they were to quietly la
not so bright 2007-03-30 07:33:00 Funny Jokes -Two not so bright drop-outs were driving a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, their truck was just over 12 feet high. They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see no cops, let's go for it.!"
Bad Day Gambling 2007-04-05 00:05:00 Funny Jokes -A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!" Read more:Gambling
butcher shop 2007-04-10 04:52:00 butcher shopIt's a summer holiday weekend, and a man walks into abutcher shop that has a sign in the window saying, "GroundSirloin: 29 cents per pound."The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd likefive pounds of your ground sirloin, please."The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."The man, disappointed, goes down the street to anotherbutcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound.""Three twenty nine!?!" exclaims the customer. "Just up thestreet, the butcher sells it for 29 cents!"The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Doeshe have any?""No. He's out of it right now.""Well," says the butcher, "when I don't have any, I can sellit for 19 cents per pound!"Funny Jokes
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