Owner: Funny Jokes URL:http://www.jokes-joke.com/ Join Date: Sat, 09 Dec 2006 14:35:34 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Funny Jokes and humor on a variety of topics posted from time to time, sometimes daily, sometimes every couple of days. Site statistics:Click here
Used Sheep Baseball and Alabama 2007-01-02 20:52:46 I called the local newspaper's classified section to complain about an ad I'd placed. It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm. "I said 'ewes,'" I argued. "Pardon?" replied the operator. "Ewes. It makes a difference to some people." The ad that was placed read: "Sheep
for sale -- USED."
Used Sheep Baseball and Alabama
A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans attended a game at Sox Park. They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate, hugging and kissing so much that they weren't able to follow the game. After a couple of seconds of thought the wife says, "I've got an idea, honey. You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you on the balls."
It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, howe
Funny Jokes - Hard of Hearing 2007-01-03 20:37:03 My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. - Brian Kiley Read more:Funny
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The Director 2007-01-03 20:08:05 The Director
A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director to make one more movie.
The director grimaces, "But I retired years before I died. I'm tired of all the hassles involved in making movies."
"Listen," St. Peter explains, "we got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a new score for the movie..."
"You're not listening to me," the director protested. "I don't want to make any more movies."
"But we've got Leonardo de Vinci to do the set design for you," St.Peter exclaimed.
"I don't want to make any more movies!" the director insisted.
"Just look at this script," St. Peter said. "We got William Shakespeare to write it for you!"
"Well," said the director, "a score by Beethoven, set design by de Vinci, a script by Shakespeare...How can I go wrong? I'll do it!"
"Great!" exclaimed St. Peter. "There's only one small hitch... I've got a girlfriend who sings..."
Funny Jokes - Happy New Year! - Resolutions You Can Actually Keep 2007-01-04 14:07:12 Funny Jokes
- Happy
New Year! - Resolutions
You Can Actually
Keep..
Funny Jokes
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them?
Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! :-)
10. Read less.
9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
6. Procrastinate more.
5. Drink. Drink some more.
4. Start being superstitious.
3. Spend more time at work.
2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
and last but not least...
1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking
Read more:Funny
, Happy New Year
Stormy weather 2007-01-04 14:05:35 Stormy weather
Bob and his wife, Lynda, live in Wisconsin. One winter morning whilelistening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are goingto have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the evennumbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Bob'swife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcersays, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must parkyour car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow canget through. Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radioannouncer says "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Bob's wife isvery upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, Idon't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park onso the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who ar
Funny Jokes - E-MAIL RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NEW YEAR 2007-01-04 13:31:44 Funny Jokes
- E-MAIL RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NEW YEARI will try to figure out why I really need 9 e-mail addresses.I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).I resolve to work with neglected children—my own.I will answer my snail-mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.I will resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily…well once a week…okay, monthly then…or maybe.I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.When I hear “Where do you want to today?” I will not reply “MS Tech Support.”When I hear a funny joke I will not reply,”LOL…LOL!”I will read the manual…just as soon as I can find it.I will think of a password other than “password.”I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning…4: Read more:Funny
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Jewish Jokes - Funny Jokes - Yiddish 2007-01-05 01:35:07 Jewish Jokes
- Funny
Jokes - Yiddish
During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talkingamongst themselves in Yiddish, the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent, impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill, they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else could hear and said, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
Cat Quotes Read more:Jewish
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O'Toole 2007-01-06 02:41:12 O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Sure, Father. if you have the plans, I've got the lumber!"
Funny Jokes - Sipping Vodka 2007-01-12 20:51:27 Funny Jokes
- Sipping Vodka
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knock Read more:Funny
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Funny Jokes - Biker Bar 2007-01-12 20:49:46 Funny Jokes
- Biker
Bar
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
Lots more funny jokes
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12 step program for Internet Addicts 2007-01-14 01:16:10 12 step program for InternetAddicts
12-Step Internet Recovery Program
1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3. I will get dressed before noon.
4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance
Senior Citizens 2007-01-18 16:12:02 Senior Citizens
WE ARE THE LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!!!
HEARING AIDSBAND AIDSROLL AIDSWALKING AIDSMEDICAL AIDSGOVERNMENT AIDSAND MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AIDS (TO OUR CHILDREN)
THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST
I CANNOT SEEI CANNOT PEEI CANNOT CHEWI CANNOT SCREWMY MEMORY SHRINKSMY HEARING STINKSNO SENSE OF SMELLI LOOK LIKE HELLMY BODY'S DROOPINGGOT TROUBLE POOPING
SO, THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST?WELL THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ????
Drinks Show Your Personality 2007-01-18 16:10:29 Drinks Show Your Personality
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results: PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU! Drink: BeerPersonality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.................. Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel) Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with frien Read more:Drinks
Funny Jokes - Thank you 2007-01-18 16:09:54 Funny Jokes
- Thank
youMy heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months.I want to wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas and a very prosperous New Year.Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and may eat my guts out as well.I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheist bastards who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could bePricked with a needle infected with AIDS.I no longer use cancer Read more:Funny
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You know you are living in the 21st century when you 2007-01-25 22:11:03 You know you are living in the 21st century when you..............
1. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
12. Even worse, you know exactl
Scrabble Babble - Word Jumble 2007-01-25 22:10:01 Scrabble Babble
- Word Jumble
Someone out there either has too muchspare time or is deadly at Scrabble.(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:DIRTY ROO M
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters:MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: ! When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :When you rearrange the letters:HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters:LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:THAT Read more:Scrabble
What Men Really mean 2007-01-24 02:08:49 What Men Really mean
Statement: "I'm a Romantic."True Meaning: "I'm poor." Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."Statement: "She's kinda cute."True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."Statement: "I don't know if I like her."True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."Statement: "Was it good for you?"True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."True Meaning: "Who are you?"Statement: "Do you love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."Statement: "How much do you love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their w
Wild Ride 2007-01-26 05:06:38 Wild Ride
On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.
When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, "Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."
Personal secretary 2007-01-27 23:17:47 Personal secretary
A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk,looking very depressed."Hey, what's up with you?", he asked."Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me.""Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?""Neither. He's bald." Read more:Personal
Male and Female procedures to get cash 2007-01-27 23:14:34 Male and Female
procedures to get cashA sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing newdrive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash withoutleaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to usethe procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts After months ofcareful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please followthe appropriate steps for your gender.MALE PROCEDURE:1. Drive up to the cash machine.>2. Put down your car window.>3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.>4 Enter amount of cash required and>withdraw.>5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.>6. Put window up.>7. Drive off.>>**********************************************>>FEMALE PROCEDURE:>>1. Drive up to cash machine.>2. Reverse and back up the required>amount to align car window with the machine.>3. Set parking brake, put the window down.>4. Find handbag, remove all contents on>to passenger seat to locate card.>5. Tell person
U might be a "Metrosexual" if...... 2007-01-27 23:12:11 U might be a "Metrosexual" if......
1. You just can't walk past a Banana Republic store without making apurchase.
2. You own 20 pairs of shoes, half a dozen pairs of sunglasses, just as manywatches and you carry a man-purse.
3. You see a stylist instead of a barber, because barbers don't dohighlights.
4. You can make her lamb shanks and risotto for dinner and Eggs Benedict forbreakfast... all from scratch.
5. You only wear Calvin Klein boxer-briefs.
6. You shave more than just your face. You also exfoliate and moisturize.
7. You would never, ever own a pickup truck.
8. You can't imagine a day without hair styling products.
9. You'd rather drink wine than beer... but you'll find out what estate andvintage first.
10. Despite being flattered (even proud) that gay guys hit on you, you stillfind the thought of actually getting intimate with another man trulyrepulsive.
Bike For Sale 2007-01-28 22:17:24 Bike For Sale
Classified Ad from local newspaper:
06' Suzuki GSXR 1000, $10,000
This bike is perfect! It has only 1,000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service (Expensive).
It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground.I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "Do whatever you want." doesn't mean what I thought.Call me, Steve. 800-555-5555.
The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats 2007-01-29 21:57:17 The Difference Between Republicans
and Democrats
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five. Now you understand the difference between Republicans & Democrats.
Bible Jokes - Religious Jokes 2007-02-05 00:53:37 Bible Jokes
- Religious Jokes
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? A. Ruthless. Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flag
Funny Jokes Funny quotes 2007-01-31 01:41:31 President Bush says Iraq is not having a civil war. It's just part of the growth of democracy. He sees it as Shia and Sunnis exercising their rights to bear arms.- Alan Ray
In Illinois a mental patient went on trial for threatening to castrate President Bush. He was sentenced to 7 months in prison but a federal judge let him go because you can't lock people up for threatening to castrate the president. If you could, Hillary would have been in Leavenworth 15 years ago.- Jay Leno
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Canadian Jokes 2007-02-05 15:13:43 Canadian Jokes
A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge."Toilette pepper!" Read more:Canadian
Hell 2007-02-05 15:13:13 Hell
... A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee."Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break`s over, back on your heads!"
Fat JokesFat Jokes
A mother took her five-year-ol... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Fat Jokes
Fat JokesA mother
took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy Lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with Pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's Fat!" The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!" The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep. The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!"
Why, Why, Why Funny Jokes
Why, Why, Why
do we pr... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Why, Why, Why FunnyJokes
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a doz
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