Owner: The Shark Guys URL:http://thesharkguys.com Join Date: Fri, 12 Oct 2007 20:06:06 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Biting Comedy, by the authors of The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery (Penguin 2008 Site statistics:Click here
Bear Stern: Ursa Major Mauls Mashed Mom and Have A Shark Sandwich on Us: The Shark Guys Mark 100 Blog Entries! 2008-04-30 07:19:03 When a tiger nearly made an “uno” out of the duo Siegfried & Roy, the effete conjurer Siegfried did not heed this clear warning that wild animals do not belong in the world of men in sequined jumpsuits, but rather insisted that the tiger that mauled his sidekick was "protecting rather than attacking him". A similarly baffling disconnect from reality guided the life of the sad lunatic Timothy Treadwell, subject of Werner Herzog’s documentary “Grizzly Man”, who took Winnie The Pooh as cinema verite and decided to spend his summers among grizzly bears. He didn’t survive his final trip, because, having been lulled into a false sense of security by previous trips when bears had not packed their lunchboxes with his innards, he didn’t bring along the arsenal that we would ass Read more:Stern
, Major
, Shark
, Sandwich
Hopping MADD at Grand Theft Auto 2008-05-02 14:20:30 Gaming has suddenly vaulted into the world's third most popular solitary pursuit, second only to the more cost-effective, not to mention better bang for for your entertainment buck, masturbation, and of course, sleep---the latter engaged in to a lesser extent by gamers, the former much more so for reasons obvious to anyone but gamers.As we noted previously, in our post 'Drink & Drive your way through Grand
Theft Auto' the latest entry in the infamous Grand Theft
Auto series has many critics wondering how many more banana peels line that already slippery slope toward social upheaval, not to mention a full-on revival of Vaudeville comedy.The world's foremost ribbon dissemination organization, Mothers Against Drunk Driving ha recently petitioned the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ES Read more:Grand Theft Auto
Holy Christ in the Cornflakes! The Top 10 Oddball Jesus Sightings 2008-05-05 07:32:25 Unless you’re mixing your booze with a cupful of the communal Kool-Aid at a Ken Kesey-themed 60s night, it’s unlikely that getting drunk – even on absinthe as a recent study revealed – will lead to hallucinations. (Editor’s note: Spinning rooms don’t count in this regard, and neither does vision compromised because you just broke your glasses head-butting a vending machine). Only a drinker approaching last call (and not the one they ring the bell at the bar for) is likely to experience hallucinations, and thus most drinkers are denied the more mystical side of chemical enhancement that their hallucinogenic-eating peers enjoy. This past weekend, however, one pub drinker had a religious experience of sorts while out on the piss. The Daily Mail reported on how a taxi driver fro Read more:Christ
, Jesus
, Sightings
Hillary Clinton Takes Shots, Not at Rival Obama but of Whiskey 2008-05-07 08:03:18 Based on the dismal two-term bargain basement presidency of George W, we can make this blanket statement: tipplers make better presidents than teetotalers as anyone up to this point, including notorious booze-hound Dick Nixon, has been a better president. Dubya, who was a lot more fun back when his nose was more full of the white stuff than a face-planting Picabo Street or when he indulged in the occasional brew, hasn't enjoyed a drop in nearly a decade (he was photographed at a 2007 summit in Germany, swilling a piss-poor non alcoholic 'near beer', a nearly punishable offense in that country, not to mention a product brewed by mediocre foreign rival Heineken that luckily didn't result in an international incident)The current crop of Oval Office aspirants, though, are no strangers to the o Read more:Hillary Clinton
, Whiskey
, Obama
, Clinton
, Hillary
UK Study Says One in Three Hungover at Work (Other Two Still Drunk) 2008-05-09 08:05:42 Before the manufacturing base took a hit, it was not uncommon for Johnny Lunchbox to take a hit of his own from time to time from a flask kept in a flannel pocket to help alleviate the drudgery of the assembly line. After some people stumbled into deep vats and others were left with one less limb with which to raise a pint, drinking on the job became seen as dangerous, and people were encouraged to save their heavy drinking for evening television viewing with the wife and kids.Now, with the greatest danger in most workplaces being the guy whose score you just topped in “Scrabulous” giving you a sock in the jaw, people are once again seeing the benefits of a morning eye-opener followed up with a liquid lunch. According to a study by Norwich (kinda rhymes with porridge and that’s not t Read more:Study
, Three
Soon to be Dancing Behind Bars: Drunk Dancer Does a Backflip onto a Police Car 2008-05-12 06:52:06 For those of us who are not secretly pining to shimmy beneath the bright lights of Broadway, dancing in public is something that requires a considerable amount of inhibition-killing liquid courage to even consider. Before you can respond to an invitation to dance, you must first ensure that you are sufficiently drunk – i.e. that you have reached the point where you can hit the dance floor fully Read more:Dancing
, Dancer
, Police
Getting Pie-Eyed on Pizza Flavored Beer and Other Strange Brews 2008-05-14 08:46:49 Recently we covered booze-flavored toothpaste, just the thing for those looking to spruce up in the morning by brushing their teeth with something that will give them an instant and sickening reminder of the 11 highballs from the night prior. More common is the trend towards making alcohol-related products taste like something else – hence the rise of alcopops and various other beverages that ar Read more:Pizza
, Strange
The Top Bouncers of All Time! 2008-05-16 11:04:59 If your job description includes being able to thrash someone within an inch of their miserable lives and doing so with impunity while enjoying the odd drink on the job, you're either a cop or a bouncer. Recently, we shone the spotlight on everyone's favorite enablers, bartenders, in our Top 10 Coolest Bartenders of All Time, but what of the guys whose job it is to look menacing and keep raging,
Get 'Em When They're Young: Brewery draws fire for billboard outside primary school 2008-05-19 07:04:00 One of the more ghoulish sounding objectives in marketing is the drive to create cradle-to-the-grave consumers. A mind that is still in its formative stages and that does not yet have the capacity to think critically or to visit the website Snopes.com is likely to believe anything, whether it’s religious hullabaloo popularized by ancient tribesman who had yet to understand the germ theory of dis Read more:Brewery
French Happy Hour not so 'appy after all 2008-05-21 08:42:42 As we've pointed out a few times here, we're Canadian and many Canadians take great pains to explain to bored foreigners who could not give two shits otherwise: we're much different from Americans. For example, the Great White North, for those of you who don't know, is an officially bilingual state, though in reality English speakers are much more well-versed in what's known as "Cereal box French
" Read more:Happy
Champions League Beer Shortage: Brits Drink Moscow Dry 2008-05-23 09:23:24 A common complaint leveled against soccer is that it's boring. Meanwhile, nobody bothers issuing the same critique about baseball, where the guys hawking Amstel get more of a workout running up and down the aisles plying semi-conscious onlookers with cheap suds than the various mesomorphs manning the field and where the play -- which is about as frenetic as a Van Gogh still life -- is interrupted Read more:Champions
, League
, Shortage
, Brits
, Drink
, Moscow
, Champions League
Beer as Fuel, and not just for your drunk Uncle Lou's awkward advances 2008-05-26 07:42:48 In a previous blog, we drove home the true threat posed by global warming. Several polar bears may have been set off on that great ice-floe journey from which there is no return since that posting; however, the danger that we were pointing out looms large much closer to home – as close as your basement fridge – the possibility of a global beer crisis due to a lack of barley. The warming of the Read more:drunk
, Uncle
New Coke Vitamin Water (Bottle of snake oil not included) 2008-05-30 09:58:08 Tales of Coke's ability to dissolve a set of choppers in a glass overnight or to put a sheen on a rust-stained kitchen sink might be urban legends (we ended up eating the T-bone we had soaking in a vat of the stuff, so we can't comment conclusively on that one, but don't recommend this method of preparation to diabetics), there is no doubt that the soft drink has ruined many alcoholic beverages. Read more:Vitamin
, Vitamin Water
Russian Drunk Forgets Small Fortune on Train : Six reasons why the attendant should have kept it 2008-06-02 07:32:36 Many Canadian children will recall having their mittens sewn onto the sleeves of their jackets in the winter. This was a practical measure on the part of parents, as mittens would otherwise be lost when a youngster drops them in a rushed attempt to fire a snowball at a moving target – like, say, a school bus or a police car – the kind of throw that requires nimble fingers unencumbered by mitte Read more:Russian
, Small
, Fortune
, Train
, attendant
Nanny State in an Uproar Over Generous Jagermeister 'Spirit Dwarf' 2008-06-04 08:04:41 Bars and booze companies have all sorts of ways to facilitate that all important transition between bottle and gut. Liquor companies quite often engage the services of good looking people stuck in that gray middle world between legitimate modeling work and chrome pole duty at the local Gawk and Whistle to hand out samples of their product, while refusing requests for phone numbers as politely as t Read more:State
, Nanny
, Dwarf
, Nanny State
Welsh Criminals Asked: ‘Court or a Pub Ban?’ Answer: ‘Good morning your honor!’ 2008-06-06 06:46:10 Booze and really sloppy crime seem to go hand-in-hand. We’ve documented this heavily in “The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death (and other true tales of drunken debauchery”, particularly in the section “Crime Doesn’t Pay Your Bar Tab”, and we’re presented with constant reminders of the truth of it on a regular basis. Drunk criminals, it must be said, do offer society the bonus of being Read more:Criminals
, Court
, honor
Lily Allen gets too drunk at some awards gala 2008-06-09 07:10:00 For those of you mercifully unfamiliar with the business of journalism (those whose chosen career path is one in which the salary exceeds that of your average busboy and does not involve having to indulge in the odd repast usually enjoyed by the family cat), there are five 'W's related to the profession.These are the infamous who, what, where, when and why questions they focus on ('who cares?' bei Read more:Allen
, drunk
, Lily Allen
Top 9 Actors Guaranteed to Ruin Your Transatlantic Flight! 2008-06-11 14:17:39 As a captive audience for PS I Love You recently, and not the kind of captive audience that could at least interrupt the middling fare by shanking the warden, it seems there are certain actors whose films are more likely to be shown on commercial flights than others.Unlike a typical movie theater audience, for whom dozing off would be a common, though unintended outcome for many of these movies, i Read more:Transatlantic
, Flight
Literary Agents: Get Reputable Author Representation and Avoid Getting Scammed 2008-06-13 05:00:03 Instead of the drunken shenanigans we usually chronicle, we thought we'd offer up a change of pace this morning. Since our book, The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery came out, we've dealt with various people asking us about the process of landing an agent. Hence, we thought we'd offer a few insights and share them here.Finding the right literary agent can Read more:Literary
, Author
, Representation
, Avoid
Beer Acronyms: What PBR REALLY Stands for: "Pretty bad refreshment" 2008-06-16 13:08:28 What kind of beer do you like to drink, neighbor? Heineken.Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon! Blue Velvet (1989)Tastes and preferences are often established early in life, and an aversion to say, the music of Celine Dion or Jimmy Buffet likely forms somewhere during the third trimester.There are those whose first exposure to beer, sadly, occurs around this period as well (and who are the Read more:REALLY
, Pretty
Coffee & Health: This week, it's good for you 2008-06-18 08:01:58 This next topic is one with which we're intimately familiar, having written each and every post you've seen here under its influence: but we're not going to discuss absinthe or Haldol today. We'll save those twin joys for another morning. Instead, we're going to talk coffee.In previous posts, we've examined mixing caffeinated beverages (so-called, 'energy drinks') with alcohol. It's coffee though, Read more:Coffee
, Health
The Top 10 Best NFL Names: Dick Butkus Would Approve 2008-08-01 12:27:50 Being the kind of guys who would ask the bartender in a sports bar if he wouldn't mind changing the channel because "I think 'Wheel of Fortune' might be on, and tonight's Caribbean-themed," we are likely not the ones most NFL fans would turn to for commentary or analysis as the preseason gets underway this weekend. And that's for the best, because we aren't about to offer anything of the sort.We c Read more:Names
Cups Runneth Over: The War Against Beer Pong in Time Magazine 2008-07-31 11:47:34 Interestingly, Time Magazine
posted an article recently, about the 'War Against Beer Pong'.Now, we're no strangers to the game, having played it at our book launch, and we're certainly no strangers to writing about it:For those of you who missed it, click here and here.Cheers, The Beer Pong Champions of the Greater Toronto Area,The Shark Guys Read more:Time Magazine
Royals Sample Carbon Neutral Beer: Chuck and Camilla Chug Cold Ones 2008-07-31 10:38:11 As Canadians, we're grateful for all the Royal Family have given us, namely a holiday in May that coincides with warmer weather, and currency featuring the Queen, whose craggy visage youngsters can fold into creative shapes when they're old enough to earn an allowance.We've also noted how gratifying it is to find a crumpled twenty in the pocket of a pair of slacks and included only one tale involv Read more:Royals
, Sample
, Carbon
, Neutral
, Chuck
, Camilla
20 Worst City Names in North America: You Can't Beat a Dead Horse, Alaska 2008-07-30 12:35:41 At the risk of never being given the keys to the city of Crapo Maryland, where you might not to want to open anything anyway, namely a business, there are some places that are just plain unappealing to the ear---as opposed to say, the state of Indiana*, which is unappealing to each of the other senses as well.[*Editor's note: It could be worse. It could be farther away from its main selling point- Read more:Names
, North
, America
, Horse
, Alaska
, North America
, Dead Horse
Drunks Shooting Stuff: …And God’s Mercy on the Wild Lawnmower Man 2008-07-28 04:00:02 Continuing our series on drunken shotgun violence (see Friday’s entry on a moose being sent to that hunting lodge wall in the sky [though the moose was the drunk party in that one]), we would be remiss if we failed to report on the case of a Milwaukee man who engaged in armed combat with that highly tempting target – a gas-powered lawnmower. The duty to mow a lawn on a regular basis is eno
Shark-bite DVD Review: Heartbreak Kid: Fleecing the audience like the Patagonia product line 2008-07-26 09:10:52 "You should go with the Patagonia
. It's made from 100% recycled material."Nothing will have you have you reaching for a bottle of antacids and chasing it with a gulp of de-fizzed Canada Dry like hammer-fisted product placements, and if you do manage to slip the first punch (a camera shot that lingers on the Patagonia sign in Stiller's sporting goods store) the ringing endorsement above will surely Read more:Shark
, Heartbreak
Drunk Moose on the Loose! Justice is Swift and Final for Drunken Toddler-Biting Beast 2008-07-25 09:51:56 If anyone, Ben Stein for instance, needs proof that Darwin offered more than just creative fuel for the Nazis (a key point in the ironically-titled film featuring one-joke Ferris Bueller prof [and former Nixon lackey] Stein: “Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed”), one need look no further than at how our animal friends seem to enjoy fermented beverages just as much as your second-cousin Murray t Read more:Loose
, Justice
, Final
, Beast
Happy National Tequila Day! (also, Happy Cheap Marketing Ploy Day!) 2008-07-24 14:47:04 Well, today is NationalTequila
Day, a day whose origin we traced back to the maker of a particular tequila, who, in a recent survey determined that "84% of respondents were interested in learning how to mix easy-to-make, creative cocktails with top-shelf tequila", the same 84%, not coincidentally, who were likely given repeated assurances that a free case of the stuff would arrive at their doors Read more:Marketing
, Happy
, Cheap
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