Owner: The Shark Guys URL:http://thesharkguys.com Join Date: Fri, 12 Oct 2007 20:06:06 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Biting Comedy, by the authors of The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery (Penguin 2008 Site statistics:Click here
Paging Dr Drunk! 2007-11-28 06:00:00 Boozing, when done well, is the welcome opposite of work. Very little effort should go into a good booze-up; the drinker’s main concern should be remaining smilingly ruddy-faced while pouring the nectar down his or her gob and thinking capital thoughts. There are, however, certain minor exertions that interfere with the complete rest that is the drinker’s due when tippling, and it is here that technology has stepped in admirably to help out. There is, for instance, the automatic beer dispenser, which saves your dedicated drinker the nuisance of having to needlessly trouble the muscles in his legs by leaving the couch to get a beer (Note: This has yet to be mass-produced as far as we know. It will probably take a bit of tinkering as the prototype model does appear to carry the risk of bloodying the nose of an eight-year-old who just happens by while daddy “orders up another.”) Someone has undoubtedly tackled the problem of the other reason why a drinker needs to get up, thou Read more:Paging
Flex your Molson muscles! 2007-11-26 06:00:00 University administrators, you know, the guys who kept you out of the top three colleges of your choice, relegating you to an institution unfit to grace the bumper of your parents’ Volvo, are slamming a new ad campaign by Canada’s foremost purveyor of bland suds, Molson
Beer.In a Globe & Mail report, critics blasted the brewer's latest marketing initiative as at least as tasteless as the product itself, saying that it is "harmful for students seeking jobs if a potential employer discovered their raucous partying poses on Facebook." Now, as we’ve documented in the Sh*t Faced Femmes of Facebook, the boundaries separating the public and private are often as blurred as your vision after you’ve drank 11 or so cans of Molson's "finest", as people are rarely red-faced when posting compromising pictures online.The Molson campaign asks college students to post such pictures so that the "top party school in Canada" can be crowned. We Shark Guys, several years removed from dancing a
Drunks for Thanksgiving-Day Weekend 2007-11-23 08:00:00 Both of the Shark Book authors hail from Canada, a country where Thanksgiving
is celebrated a month earlier than it is in the US (the sincere thanks being given around Canadian dinner tables at that time of year usually has to do with it not yet being winter). However, we don’t see a problem with breaking out another turkey – one that has hopefully been pumped up with steroids to delectably plump, juicy proportions – a month later and celebrating the holiday once again in solidarity with our neighbours to the South. Also, phoning in sick to work and taking an undue Thanksgiving-weekend rest is quite appealing. In the turkey-time tryptophan and bourbon-inspired mood of the season, we have decided to step back from our regular efforts of focusing on drunk-related news and tales of world-class drunks to focus on two smaller stories from our drunk police blotter that, if you ever thought otherwise, confirm the link between dedicated boozing efforts and the increased likelihood th Read more:Weekend
The Grinch that stole Guinness 2007-12-03 09:00:00 This, as you may have guessed, is an important time of year for us Shark Guys, as we enter the Christmas drinking season and prepare ourselves for yet more tales of drunken Santas, holiday office party chicanery (For our Holiday Office Party Tips click here), and the related reasons why it is best not to include mistletoe at a party where lower-level managers are known for their "Russian hands and Roman fingers" after too many dips into the spiked punch. (For a fuller treatment on this very theme we recommend that you check out the “Festive Cheers: Hooch on the Holidays” chapter of our “The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death: and other true tales of drunken debauchery"). What makes the holidays memorable – aside from family tensions reaching the breaking point and the prospect of imminent financial ruin in the New Year – is, of course, booze, and brewers around the world have smiles on their faces at this time of year that have little to do with stirring religious convictions or Read more:Grinch
, Guinness
Keeping up with the Jets set 2007-11-30 06:00:00 Considering all of the potential exposés that it could have chosen to break – like once and for all bringing those blasted all-nude RV and boat shows into the open – it seems strange that the New York Times would instead choose to shake the earth by revealing that men who attend NFL games like to get drunk and hoot at women. That same conclusion, no doubt drawn before the reporter strapped on his visor and went to work, could have been borne out with far less effort by just popping over to the house of any Sunday football loving Joe Lunchbox with a case of beer and a copy of Lusty Luanne’s Lunar Calendar 2007/2008 in tow. A Times reporter did go to a New York Jets game a little over a week ago and when it came to half-time and most of the crowd had gathered on the pedestrian ramps of Giants Stadium’s Gate D, cruelly ignoring the lifetime achievement award or some-such being given to one “Curtis Martin”, he went to see what all the fuss was about. He found hundreds of men g
The Top 10 Drinking & Driving Songs of All Time! 2007-12-12 08:00:00 The Shark Guys Present: The Top 10 Drinking
and Driving
Songs of All Time!It's that time of year again, and red and green abounds in Christmas displays and decorations (blue and yellow to our color-blind friends). If you like to get a little tight come the holiday season and are considering hitting the road in search of yuletide cheer, you could risk forgetting the vital significance of those colors at intersections, so it's for the best if, when that obnoxious do-gooder who attends every office party tells you that you've had too much to drink and that you're in no condition to drive, you scorn his offer of a ride home, curse him for a meddlesome ninny and call a cab instead. No amount of minty fresh Scope kept in your glove compartment or complaints to an arresting highway officer that you are heavily medicated and having one of your "spells" is likely to keep you from a Christmas Eve in the drunk tank that would not be nearly as romantic, or as free from dangerous lunatics, a
How to spot a Christmas drunk - Shark style 2007-12-10 08:00:00 Earlier this month, the British Home Office (the government body, not where you say you work in order to keep the tax man's grubby paws out of your pockets) issued undercover police officers looking to fine bartenders serving the already inebriated - basically every bar patron during the holidays - a field manual telling them how to spot drunk
s during the holiday season.The manual, given to 90 police teams countrywide taking part in the pre-Christmas
Responsible Sales of Alcohol Campaign (Operation Killjoy by our lights), did British taxpayers proud, coming up with such startling observations as "[drunks tend to be] careless with money", and they also cuss, bump into one another and, on a related note, engage in inappropriate sexual behavior, as well as slur their speech and have difficulty following any conversation that goes beyond: "Fancy a pint?" "Too right. Your round"Newspapers and pub trade publications (slur that three times fast while touching your nose wit Read more:Shark
Cups that runneth over: The portable beer-pong table 2007-12-07 06:00:00 According to the press release, "Bing Bong Inc. has paved the way for the entire beer pong industry" (our italics) with their "beer pong" accouterments.If you're unfamiliar with beer pong, consider this a public service announcement (or, to put it another way, one of the few instances we're ever 'pro Bono'--har, har, har).Before shunting your son, and especially your daughter (see pictures below) off to some third-tier state college where, influenced by this game and others excuses to get college-age women drunk, the only Varsity Letter they're likely to achieve is an "F", here are the rules. (At this point we should mention that we don't think we're taking liberties with standard procedure if you substitute the eponymous 'beer' with any other alcoholic beverage or recreational drug of your choice as regional differences are likely to come into play).Two teams take turns shooting ping-pong balls into a triangle of cups at their opponent's end of the table. When a ball lands i
"I just joined AA. I still drink -- I just use a different name." 2007-12-05 08:00:00 Controlled drinking may seem like an oxymoron not to mention a highly theoretical construct to us Shark Guys, however it's beginning to hold more sway with folks who didn't use Psych 101 as a place to sleep off that Sunday hangover. The concept of controlled drinking, or what we sometimes engage in at lunch, has apparently emerged as a welcome and acceptable treatment alternative to the buzz kill offered by the folks at Alcoholics Anonymous—total abstinence.Not abstaining at all, a concept we've kept an adamantine grasp on like that frayed rope your sadistic gym teacher had you climb in elementary school, might just be the best method of success. And this isn't us flapping our parched lips, but that's according to Dr. Michael Levy, author of "Take Control of Your Drinking...And You May Not Need to Quit", a tome that will be a welcome gift to sling under the tree of a loved one, while chapters are read aloud with a belt of eggnog.While the more attainable objective of being ab Read more:different
Drunk 'Grim Reaper' Arrested: Death Warmed Over Slightly 2007-12-21 08:00:00 Unfortunately, the online Christmas shopping season has come and gone so you might be forced to defer your philanthropy in the form of some promissory gift note indicating that "the George Foreman grill is on its way, I swear". Sadly, at this late juncture, no warp-speed-porn downloading internet service provider or benevolent FedEx guy is going to save your yuletide bacon and ensure your gift arrives in its intended hands by the 25th. At best, you're resigned to rummaging through the garage for a suitable gift that hasn't been soiled by raccoons or packing a can of bear repellent for a last ditch trip to a big box outlet. Of course, there are those people for whom a holiday gift is a priority hovering slightly above poinsettias for an off-hours plumber, and for whom you can shop worry-free as your paths aren't likely to cross until well after the Christmas eggnog spills have been mopped up. For these folk and loved ones alike--whose stockings once hung by the chimney with care, a
Drunken games with reindeer 2007-12-19 06:00:00 Every year around this time, as we celebrate the birth of Santa Claus (or was it that little blond elf who partnered up with Rudolph in the movie… hmm… too much egg nog), there are always reports of people getting drunk and taking their yuletide frustrations out on the most glaring and garish targets within their blurry sights - the holiday decorations that festoon towns.Sometimes, these acts are as blasphemous as replacing a nativity Jesus with "Stewie" from "The Family Guy", while in other cases the vandalism takes the form of vigilante justice, such as when someone kicks out blinding holiday floodlights strong enough to have seen action during Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in The Wall" tour. (It is also quite tempting to throw a rock on behalf of Al Gore whenever one comes across a holiday display sucking up the wattage like that in the above pic).In Sunderland, England, city officials put up an illuminated decorative reindeer (pictured here) outside of the "Jolly Sailor
For a taste of your whiskey...the kids aren't going to college 2007-12-18 08:01:00 For small-ticket items like umbrellas, polyester money-belts emptied of cash or novelty hats, bargain hunters and holiday-shopping cheapskates can save a few sheckels when shopping for those who have nothing by hitting their local public transit auction.If you'd like to get your greasy mitts on bigger-ticket items with the serial numbers filed off, you can always hit a police auction and take your pick of the repository of stuff confiscated from local riffraff—a station wagon with the tires shot out, an outboard used for immigration excursions into the Florida panhandle— before your friendly neighborhood beat cop has a chance to sell it back to them.For bona fide high rollers who would like to squander their riches on things like a a thong that once flossed the arse of Demi Moore or a bottle of Elvis' halitosis breath, there are auction houses like Sothebey's and Christie's where there's also a lucrative market for those heirlooms that mysteriously came into your family' Read more:taste
Judgement at Nuremberg: Dump that vodka! 2007-12-14 06:00:00 We live in a post 9/11 era and will continue to do so barring the apocalypse or a patent on a time machine. Ne'er-do-well terrorists with frequent-flyer miles (entry into the mile-high club being forsaken in this life for an attractive consolation prize in the next) have caused security at airports to tighten like the circle of police officers around a public demonstration for the poor. Restrictions on liquids being brought on board airplanes mean that one can no longer stroll on board with booze, cologne, hair gel and all the other accouterments a gentleman needs to have on hand to be able to properly flirt with flight attendants once in the air. In Nuremberg Germany, a man getting ready to board a plane to his hometown of Dresden on the final leg of a return trip from a holiday in Egypt was told that he would have to either pour out the two bottles of vodka
he had in tow or pay a fee to have the bag containing them checked in with the rest of his luggage. Now, vodka is the w
Prison Chocolate Ban No Laugh Riot 2007-12-24 08:00:00 We were initially delighted when the phrase "Swedish prison" came across the news wires, given the vast storehouse of research material at our disposal— shop keeps who archive a Smithsonian-like collection of similarly themed films, as well as a steady inventory of single cigarettes so we could get a sense of what prison life is all about without all those communal shower come ons. Unfortunately, without a working knowledge of the Nordic language, and the Ikea warehouse not returning our harassing phone calls (not to mention being indisposed to Googling the phrase "Swedish prison" for fear of incurring some librarian's bifocaled stink-eye) we were unable to figure out exactly what kind of penal institution "Brinkebergsanstalten' is, the mouthful of a prison at the center of the following story. So, with no English language reports specifying the gender of those incarcerated, we decided to eschew modern crime statistics and 200 years' worth of temple-probing criminology and Read more:Chocolate
, Prison
Drunk Tank-Driver Smashes House in Vodka Run 2008-03-10 02:16:12 In The Shark Book, we devoted an entire chapter, “Hard Corps Drunks: The Few, The Brave, The Blotto” to the exploits in liquid form of those in uniform – among them a young recruit nearly blinded while playing a boozy game of “fireball hockey” [it’s aptly named] at an Army base, and a navy man whose fecal foray onto shore left a bad impression, and a bad smell in town.But possibly the most shocking of all of these, or at least the one that you would expect the firing squad to start tuning up for, was the sale of a tank by Russian army forces to their Chechen enemies for around 8,000 bucks after the two opposing sides voted for peace by laying down their weapons and drinking their faces off together for an afternoon. That story and another about a Russian soldier who stole a di Read more:House
, Driver
Drunk Elvis Impersonator 'All Shook Up' in court 2008-03-07 00:52:16 A few years back, we found a rental car company that didn’t charge extra for mileage and proceeded to make them rethink that policy by striking out on an impromptu 1300 mile trip from Toronto to New Orleans with a couple of buddies. En route, we took in the best of what the southern US has to offer: happily clogging arteries with their delicious early-grave food, spending more than one late night boozing it up on Nashville’s main strip, and also doing the tourist guidebook stuff that involved sites near and dear to our hearts like the Jack Daniels distillery and Johnny Cash’s house in Hendersonville Tennessee. We were disappointed to see that the latter was closed to the public upon our arrival, but heartened when we saw a sign across the street for something called “Trinity Mu Read more:Elvis
, Impersonator
24 Hour Party People: UK decides to keep all-night drinking law 2008-03-05 08:56:02 On Monday, we covered the growing movement in the US questioning the logic of why someone who is legally able to ruin their lives in so many ways – ie get married, fight in wars, shoot off firearms, vote, star in a porno and obtain a mortgage – is not allowed the freedom to legally get drunk and bemoan the terrible choices they have made in these areas. We support the lowering of the drinking age in the US even if it means that our border towns in Canada will no longer be overflowing with American college students tearing a path of destruction through our hotels and getting to know the lap dance providers at strip clubs on a first-name basis.The drinking situation in Britain is at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Eighteen-year-olds there can belly up to the bar, order a whisk Read more:Party
US states consider lowering legal drinking age: Life, liberty and a legal buzz before you're 21 2008-03-03 21:01:31 When I was 17I had some very good beerI had some very good beerThat I purchasedWith a fake IDMy name was Brian McGeeI stayed up listening to QueenWhen I was 17 “When I Was 17”, Homer J. Simpson A powerful youth movement is afoot in the USA. Young Americans are fed up with the status quo and are demanding change. Countless youngsters are shaking off apathy, signing petitions, launching online campaigns and joining forces to exercise their collective power to ensure that their voices are heard in the halls of power. Obamamania? What would a couple of beery Canadians who only watch CNN when hangovers preclude a remote control hunt know about that? (Editor’s Note: When are the people who invented The Clapper going to come up with a TV remote equivalent [one clap to turn it on, Read more:legal
, liberty
The Top 10 Coolest Bartenders of All Time (Part 2) 2008-02-29 14:35:49 As we noted in Part One of the Top 10 Coolest Bartenders of All Time, bartenders in films and TV, if they’re given any face time at all, are lucky if they get their day’s studio parking validated for uttering “I think you best see yer friend outta here” and wrenching a highball glass from the masturbatory grip of the protagonist, who is then propped up by his buddies and shuffled out the door while ugly looks are exchanged. More commonly, they get to tell some beat cop holding up a police sketch “Yeh, dat’s da guy… he was in here last week”, or are made to dive for cover to avoid shards of glass from the explosion of cheap bottles of booze whenever some vigilante cowboy/mobster/trucker psychopath shoots up the place.This list is our effort to ensure that the unheralded film
The Top 10 Coolest Bartenders of All Time (Part 1) 2008-02-28 23:59:52 Hollywood, not surprisingly, has introduced us to some truly memorable drunks – think Billy Bob Thornton in "Bad Santa", or, far creepier and more likely to cause you to wake yourself up screaming, Gary Busey in "Carny".But what of the men and women on the other side of the bar, patiently stomaching the hero’s bravado and slinging the drinks that fuel his adventures (real-life versions of which we chronicled in our book)? Bartenders are often left out of the spotlight, a point most clearly made by the fact that they are often not even given a name in film credits. Julian Lennon, for example, may have played alongside Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, but to the world he will remain “Bartender # 3 in Biker Bar”.We have attempted here to rectify that wrong somewhat and turn the spo
Drunk bank robbery busted minutes later 2008-02-25 05:13:12 This morning, rather than remark on last night's goings on, Oscar-wise and the obviously amazing adhesive properties of the primer used to affix John Travolta's hair to his bald noggin, or the nearly comatose presenter Harrison Ford (indistinguishable from the best performances he's ever given, minus the leather vests), we decided to focus on 'Best Drunk Performance During Commission of a Federal Felony', courtesy of a Chicago bank robber. [Editor's Note: Of course, in the event any of our seat filler insiders aren't shaken down and tossed out onto Hollywood Blvd and beaten, we'll give you updates on whichever drunken celebrity does something worthy of noting here.] In the Shark Book, we chronicled a blotto bank heist that ended inauspiciously when the 'robbin' hood' headed to the nearest Read more:minutes
, later
Man Streaking at Horse Race: And it's 'Drunk Idiot' by a nose! 2008-02-21 19:22:01 As we noted in 'The Shark Book', horses once served man as a primary mode of transport and then were thanked for their years of service with new posts in society as fodder for glue and rendering plants and as a key ingredient in the nation's dog food.Another popular use for horses has been to gather them at tracks, put lilliputian men atop them and force them to race one another while the audience bring ruination upon themselves through gambling, softening the blow of every lost dollar with a fortifying drink. Occasionally, this spectacle of soaking up hooch like a dish rag, cursing and haggling with hookers is undertaken with pretension, as is the case with the running of the Royal Ascot. There, in '94 as we chronicled in the book, a drunk galoot, aiming to get a closer look at the 'gor Read more:Horse
Firewalk with me: Drunk burns feet in bonfire promenade 2008-02-20 01:34:13 Firewalking is a technique that has been popular for centuries, ever since some fakir with a cart full of placebos to unload first gathered yokels around a coal pit and took the fiery walk in the hopes that they would believe he escaped burned feet because he was wearing the deity’s own socks and that the stinking concoctions he was doling out actually had some medicinal value.Motivational speaker Tony Robbins was able to use firewalking to much the same effect – in his case unloading tapes and books featuring innumerable hours of him giving you advice that could be boiled down to the Fred Flintstone soundbite “Think big, be big Barney.” It should be noted that Robbins was not suggesting the intervention of a deity, but rather that spending a whole wad of cash to listen to him go o
College Party Crackdown: UK gets serious about freshman drinking 2008-02-18 10:32:15 We can't speak for the US, where drinking laws are such that when you're finally legal you have a hairline receding more than a North Atlantic tide, but in Canada and the UK, you're able to drink, drive and vote all under the age of 20 (perhaps even in the same day if you have lots of errands to run)In the UK, "freshers", ("frosh" in Canada, "freshmen" in the US) such as the girl seen here, taking a much needed study break, have been known to dull the rigors of those stressful first two weeks of class registration and receipt of more than three course syllabuses, by tilting the wrist. Now, the UK government is threatening a freshman orientation crackdown worse than when your Visa's declined at the corner bar and you've donned a hairnet and helped with the dishes. According to a Sunday Tim Read more:Party
, College
, Crackdown
, serious
Drunk Challenges Police Car to a Fight -- and the smart money is not on the boozer 2008-02-15 10:51:43 Blackouts are nature’s way of sparing drunks from having to forever remember the shameful acts they may have committed whilst in liquor’s clutches. (Though the legend-like feats of the worst among them have been collected for posterity in our book, “The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death: and other true tales of drunken debauchery). Also, in some places simply telling an arresting officer that you were so blotto you can’t remember a single detail of the crime you are alleged to have committed will result in you being set free with a sandwich and the best wishes of the city… or so we’ve heard.A 25-year-old man in Lincolnshire England was arrested recently for a crime he committed while blackout drunk that one would have assumed involved the consumption of hallucinogenic drugs rathe Read more:Police
, boozer
Hair of the Dog: Drunk pooch stumbles into vet's office 2008-02-15 04:52:36 Been drinking a little too much? Visit our womens alcohol rehab center and enter womens drug rehab at our womens drug treatment center today. You'll get over your addiciton in no time!Thus far, the beastly behavior we’ve chronicled here has been solely that of the human variety. However, in The Shark Book we actually devoted an entire chapter, ‘Crapulent Critters’ to our cousins lower down on the food chain, who took to the booze with a particularly anthropomorphic vigor. From an unscrupulous Royal footman who got the Queen’s Royal corgis hopped up on gin and whiskey (one of whom later met a grisly fate: mauled to death by Princess Anne's bull terrier--the corgi, not the footman, we should specify, given HRM's nasty streak), to Swedish elk trashing a retirement home drunk on ferm Read more:office
Drunk bus fight, Toronto, or next stop Haymaker Street 2008-02-15 04:46:23 By joining our womens drug rehab program, you'll be able to overcome addictions like alcohol abuse today! Our womens alcohol rehab center has been rated the best womens drug treatment center available!We Shark Guys hold two Canadian passports, which we’d be more than willing to part with if the right offer came along. Of course we kid and proudly fly the flag wherever we go, expressing our patriotism through the most underhanded of means—on the backpacks of our seeing stars and stripes comrades to the south to tourist hot-spots around the globe.In addition to these important documents, (for which official photos now require that the applicant no longer smile, somewhat undermining our outwardly friendly and polite, if dull global image) we also hold two bus passes. Though only one of u Read more:fight
, Toronto
, Street
Nicolas Cage Suing Kathleen Turner: Cage Meet his Match? 2008-02-13 18:06:39 Call it 'low talker' versus 'slow talker'. Tranny-voiced has-been KathleenTurner
has apparently got actor Nicolas
Cage, (who speaks slower than a phone sex operator with a thyroid condition), in her cross hairs."That stupid voice of his and the fake teeth! Honestly, I cringe to think about it. He caused so many problems."Such invectives could just as easily be tossed Paul Anka's way, but it's 'problem-generator' Cage who doesn't come off too 'Super' in Turner's forthcoming autobiography, 'Send Yourself Roses', which also notes, while we're on the subject of physical appearance, teeth, etc: "I was no great beauty. I was a skinny woman with long legs, almost no boobs, good hair and bad teeth . . . the studio had a fake cover made for them, which was awkward. It changed my lips and the way I Read more:Match
Astronauts NOT drunk, says NASA: No 'Ground Control to Major Bombed' 2008-02-13 17:47:50 Apparently that 'one small step for man', and all subsequent steps, (and we're guessing space walks too) have been taken in a straight line.According to no less esteemed a publication than the New York Times (of 'all the news that'll fit between 13 inches of broadsheet' fame), there is "no evidence of crew members’ going on space missions drunk
or impaired by alcohol".This NASA
decree, based on an anonymous online survey of 31 flight surgeons and 87 current astronauts done in the wake of the Lisa Nowak debacle, will finally put to bed any rumors of pie-eyed shenanigans where 'nobody can hear you scream', i.e, 'space' to the pop culture-averse. It's highly unlikely this, or any other announcement by NASA will phase conspiracy theorists though, who believe "astronauts" landed on a Hollywoo Read more:Control
, Major
Chuck E Cheese Off: No booze, cursing or gang colors at kiddie's restaurant 2008-02-13 17:01:14 Long before Ratatouille came out and made the thought of rodents in the kitchen anything less than disgusting and a sure sign that the proprietor needs to have the lights dimmed and a board of health sign hung in the window, the rat-themed Chuck
E. Cheese
was welcoming in children of all ages (though single men over 40 going there would be met with a raised eyebrow) to munch down on unwholesome food and run their parents to the poorhouse requesting quarters to play their endless supply of arcade games.Those of us who grew up on the Canadian side of the Canadian-US border will recall with varying levels of fondness being trundled over to the place on a special occasion -- like the first time a "D" didn't stain a report card -- for meals. Indeed, in the 1980s, after mom and pop Canuck had fi Read more:restaurant
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