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GOP Janitor to Dem Janitor: Learn how to clean! 2007-10-03 14:35:00 PHOENIX, AZ - “Wouldn’t you know that the Arizona Democrats would go off and hire someone who doesn’t know a scrub bucket from a floor buffer,” said Cliff Stansbury, janitorial services director for the Arizona Republican Party. “By the look of their waxy buildup and the cobwebs in the corners, it makes you wonder if they even have a janitorial staff.”Stansbury, a sanitation expert, is known for cleaning only while moving to the right. He also has the special honor of polishing the bronze Randy Pullen bust that sits at GOP headquarters.“It makes you wonder if they are hiring illegals to keep their place up,” Stansbury said. “I take pride in my work, and I encourage the Democrats to learn how to do the same. Heck, I bet those silly Democrat workers would try to mix bleach and ammonia without knowing what kind of serious danger they are putting themselves in.”Stansbury’s verbal assault on the Dem’s janitorial staff is part of the GOP’s effort to call out each i
Pollack and Schweikert to compete in awkward standing contest 2007-10-02 15:03:00 To many, standing awkwardly is only employed in rare occasions such as waiting to meet someone or holding back from approaching the buffet line so that they don’t look too eager. For a rare few, standing awkwardly is an art.Maricopa County is lucky to be home of two world class gentlemen of ungraceful posture: Real Estate mogul, Michael A. Pollack
and Maricopa County Treasurer and Congressional District 5 Exploratory candidate David Schweikert.Both Pollack and Schweikert are known for capturing themselves in seemingly uncomfortable poses and then placing the imagery all over town. The two posers have agreed to compete in a contest to see who can place their awkward mount in the largest number of situations and with the greatest amount of creativity.Pollack, and his “one hand in the pocket and the other gripping an item” pose is rumored to be superimposing his image on to a farm scene where he will be holding the reigns of a pony. He may also explore an image of himself placed at
Rejected Campaign Slogans – Laura Knaperek 2007-10-01 13:03:00 It is time for another round of “RejectedCampaignSlogans
.” From time to time (looks like Mondays), we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. This week, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of Former State Representative Laura
Knaperek and her campaign for Congressional District 5.
Democrats release Tim Bee condemnation “Mad Lib” 2007-09-28 13:18:00 While the Senate President continues to deliberate on if he should enter the Congressional District 8 race, the Arizona Democratic Party has taken every opportunity to question his candidacy and exploratory committee status. Noting the success of the Randy Pullen press release “Mad Lib” template, and following the Democratic tradition of co-opting other people’s ideas, the part has released their own Tim Bee condemnation “Mad Lib.” Just copy the release below and fill in the blanks yourself!NEWS RELEASEFOR IMMEDIATE RELEASEThursday September 27, 2007Bee should (verb) or get off the (noun)Tim Bee’s refusal to (verb) shows how much he (verb ending in “s”) Democracy Senate President Tim Bee is being a (noun) when it comes to his intentions for running for Congress against (adjective) and brilliant Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords.Arizona’s resign-to-run law (verb) Republican officeholders seeking another seat resign their existing position. Earlier this week, yet anothe Read more:Democrats
Arizona Capitol Times to host keg party 2007-09-26 13:49:00 In a hand-written flyer fresh off the copy machine, the ArizonaCapitolTimes
announced a keg party to mark the departure of longtime editor, Karen Fullenwider. The flyers were distributed around the Capitol building and being passed out by staffers overheard saying “Dude, keg party Friday, be there.”Additional copies of the invitation were seen being run off by House and Senate interns on various copy machines. The flyer states that the Capitol Times is hosting a “Little fiesta to say ‘adios’ to Karen.”Karen Fullenwider recently announced her resignation from the Arizona Capitol Times citing concerns over the growing number of social events hosted by the publication. Dolan Media, the new owner of the Arizona Capitol Times responded to her allegations saying, “Karen just doesn’t really know how to party.”Kegs, chips, and dip will be served at the event. Staff will be on hand to charge $5 dollars for a party cup which will be available at the door. The local band, Love
Rejected Campaign Slogans – Hillary Clinton 2007-09-24 16:40:00 The Arizona Report is proud to announce the return of “RejectedCampaignSlogans
.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. This week, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of Presidential Candidate and Former First Lady, HillaryClinton
. Read more:Hillary Clinton
Man has seizure from Pearce email blast 2007-09-20 18:48:00 Mesa Resident Roger Cobb, 45, suffered a mild seizure when he opened an email sent from Representative Russell Pearce. Pearce’s “Legislative Alert” email featured an announcement for an upcoming legislative workshop where citizens are encouraged to attend to learn more about the legislative process.When Cobb opened the email, he was met with a picture of Pearce set in front of a picture of the capitol dome, set in front of red rock cliffs, and an image of the Arizona flag draped over the entire image. The email header’s swirling cavalcade of colors cause the longtime Mesa resident to twitch momentarily.“I think that thing has been burned into the back of my retinas,” explained Cobb, “Every time I blink, I keep seeing it.”Pearce, who is known for his strong stance on illegal immigration and fiscal conservatism, has had some trouble with emails in the past. However, this is a first where the style was more offensive than the substance.
Napolitano proposes bake sale to close budget gap 2007-09-20 15:47:00 Governor Janet Napolitano is faced with an estimated $600 million state budget
shortfall. Her solution? Gooey fudge brownies.“Many of you don’t know this, but I am quite the cook. I can bake up a batch of brownies that will make your head spin,” said the Governor, “My proposal is to sell some of my gooey fudge brownies and get this state back on track. In fact, go ahead and throw another $100 million on the budget for the kids… I’ll make that up, no sweat.”The Governor was not willing to divulge her recipe for the brownies, but she did admit that the secret ingredient is “love.” The Governor plans to ask her colleagues to join her in a bake sale to help raise the funds. Attorney General Terry Goddard has agreed to bake a bundt cake.Many conservatives believe that deep cuts will be necessary to bring the budget back into balance. “I really want to tell her ‘I told you so,’” said Speaker of the House Jim Weiers, “But I need to get my hands on one of those brow
McCain to celebrate Christmahanakwanzika 2007-09-19 12:17:00 Arizona Senator and Presidential hopeful John McCain
announced today that he plans to celebrate Christmahanakwanzika this coming December. The announcement is seen as an attempt to set the record straight about the status of his faith, which came into question earlier in the week.The Senator denies that the announcement has anything to do with appealing to a wider base of people as part of his presidential bid. “I have been practicing Christmahani-whatsitscalled for sometime now,” said McCain, “I didn’t really think I needed to make any sort of announcement. Until now, that is.”Christmahanakwanzika was created by a national cell phone company a few years ago to help increase the sales of phones during the seasons of Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa. The advertisements were very popular for their creativity and their ability to celebrate the holiday season by offending none and all of the religions at the same time.The traditions of Christmahanakwanzika are unclear as most peo
Rejected Campaign Slogans – Tim Bee 2007-09-17 13:13:00 The Arizona Report is proud to announce our new feature called “RejectedCampaignSlogans
.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. This week, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of Senate President Tim Bee and his exploratory campaign for Congressional District 8.
Photographers looking for new ways to ignore the Capitol Executive Tower 2007-09-13 14:50:00 The Arizona State Capitol
building and its copper dome topped with “Winged Victory” has long stood as a proud Arizona landmark since its completion in 1900. The Capitol ExecutiveTower
that looms behind the copper dome has a tradition of its own: being avoided in pictures.After many years of taking pictures of the historic State Capitol building from different angles to avoid including the tower in the shot, photographers are exploring new and creative methods for keeping the unattractive building out of the frame.“In this day of digital imaging and modern cameras,” said Todd Phillips, a graphic designer and photographer, “There is no limit to the ways we can avoid that ugly thing. I provide images for local politicians, lobbyists, business groups, you name it, and I always hear the same thing: Dome – yes. Tower – no.”“I like to Photoshop a playful puppy in front of the tower,” explained Madeline Soenso, “People are willing to suspend belief about the existence of Read more:Photographers
MoveOn.org returns lost Republican playbook 2007-09-11 15:25:00 Following a week of backlash and criticism, MoveOn
.org decided to return the tattered copy of the Republican
playbook that they had recently found sitting on a local park bench.MoveOn recently called the loyalties of several Democrats into question calling them DINOs, which is short for “Democrats In Name Only.” They followed it up with a challenge to the patriotism of General Petraeus in the New York Times with a full page ad that read, “General Petraeus or General Betray Us?” Both of these techniques came from chapters in the Republican playbook they found.“We really have learned our lesson,” said MoveOn spokesman Trevor Fitzgibbon, “We just aren’t very good at infighting and questioning someone’s patriotism. Give us conspiracy theories and triumph of the human spirit, those guys can keep the other stuff.”MoveOn plans on returning to their traditional roots of donating money to Democratic candidates and emailing controversial videos to their members.“Fortunately
Pullen celebrates his 100th chide 2007-09-10 18:08:00 The Arizona Republican Party proudly announced their celebration of “Chide Fest 2007” to coincide with Randy Pullen’s 100th public expression disapproval since he began his term as Chairman of the party.Some believed that the announcement of scold and reproach to a local democrat for crossing the street before looking both ways was overshadowed by the pomp and circumstance of the event itself. Party headquarters was filled with excited volunteers hoping to get a scolding of their own.Everyone in attendance was treated to a twenty minute long video that celebrated some of Pullen’s more notorious chides such as when Congressman Harry Mitchell sided with Speaker Pelosi and when Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton was caught chewing with her mouth open. The video was edited with the song “Wind Beneath My Wings” in the background.“This is the fastest that any chairman has gotten to a hundred taunts in our history,” said Pullen in a press conference, “Here’s to hundre
Napolitano never too busy to start a PAC 2007-09-07 14:51:00 Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano proved that although she is gone on vacation in Italy she is never too busy to start a Political Action Committee. Napolitano’s Competitive Edge PAC has already raised over $40,000 and donated to Democratic gubernatorial candidates in Missouri and Kentucky. It also plans on making donations to any initiative that has the word “kids” or “education” in the title.At the onset of her vacation, critics of the governor questioned if she would be able to lead the state while visiting foreign dignitaries and taking in the sights and sounds of Italy. Members of Napolitano’s staff disagreed, stating that in this information age, Napolitano could govern from anywhere.“If she has the ability to shakedown lawyers and real estate interests in California for her PAC,” said Jeanine L'Ecuyer, Napolitano’s Director of Communications, “She can certainly handle running the state while she is away.”The Competitive Edge PAC is already taking credit fo
Gordon plans to run for Mayor of Arizona 2007-09-05 12:19:00 Phoenix Mayor
Phil Gordon
reaffirmed his previous statements that he has no plans
to run for Governor of Arizona
. Instead, Gordon intends to use his mayoral experience to springboard himself into the role of Mayor of Arizona in the 2010 election.“Like I have said before, I have 100 million thousand percent of my ridiculous amounts of energy focused on being a good mayor,” explained Mayor Gordon, “But I think by 2010, it will be time for me to be the mayor of something bigger, like the State of Arizona.”While the office of Mayor of Arizona currently does not exist, Gordon plans on using the remaining $400,000 of the $1 million he raised for his Mayoral bid to help make the office a reality. The job description is nearly identical to that of the Governor of Arizona, but it also includes a requirement that a Starbucks is installed in every floor of the Capitol Executive Tower.“He can be the mayor of anything, if he really tries,” said former Mayor Skip Rimsza, Gordon’s forme
Ron Paul supporter laments using his best bed sheet 2007-09-04 16:51:00 Excitement quickly turned to regret, as Craig Simpson, 31, a supporter of Republican Presidential Candidate Ron Paul
, woke up in the middle of the night with a slight chill. Meanwhile, Simpson’s best bed sheet
flapped slowly in the breeze off of an I-10 overpass.Simpson had spent his weekend stenciling “Myspace Ron Paul” in black, red and white letters on the 220-Thread-Count TrueWhite Sheet Set that he had purchased at Target several months back. Caught up in the excitement, Simpson simply ripped the sheet off of his unmade bed and began to paint.The homemade sign is among several that have been placed in prominent freeway locations recently to help raise the profile of the Libertarian turned Republican in Arizona. The signs have piqued interest from curious drivers and serve as a short and simple way for people to learn more about the Texas Congressman.Simpson reportedly had a difficult time falling back asleep and ultimately had to get up and turn down his ceiling fan. While Read more:laments
GOP announces Pullen press release “Mad Lib” 2007-08-31 17:30:00 With the Labor Day weekend rapidly approaching, representatives of the Arizona State Republican Party began to worry if there would be enough fodder to keep the conservative blogs humming through the extended weekend. Their solution? A Randy Pullen press release “Mad Lib” template that people can use as much as they want over the holiday. Just copy the release below and fill in the blanks yourself!Pullen to (Democrat): “(Exclamation)! (Democratic idea) is bad news.”Phoenix, AZ – Arizona Republican Party Chairman Randy Pullen today expressed his disappointment in local Democratic Leader (Democrat) for (his or her) position on (Democratic idea).Pullen’s comments come in response to the recent report that (noun) is supported by nearly (number)% of all (noun). Pullen believes that the result will be widespread (noun) and a decline in (noun).Pullen (synonym for taunted) the Democrat stating, “We live in America, its time for us to start (verb ending in “ing”) like it. Wit
The Yellow Sheet changes name to The Red Sheet in attempt to trick conservatives 2007-08-30 12:53:00 In an attempt
to win over conservatives, The Yellow
Sheet has decided to change its name to The Red Sheet. While there will be no change in the actual content of the report, the publishers hope that slapping the color red on their product will help give the impression of conservatism.“We were originally going to go with The Purple Report, you know, as a mixture of red and blue,” said Ginger Lamb, Vice President & Publisher of the Arizona Capitol Times, “But the conservatives we talked to kept complaining about how much blue was in the purple.”Since the change in ownership of the Arizona Capitol Times, many conservatives have claimed that the newspaper has taken a liberal turn. The Yellow Sheet, their self proclaimed “first and best political tip sheet,” has received the brunt of the criticism.The publishers also announced that they will be changing the term “railbirds” to “railelephants” and the meeting times section will be now noted as “Freedom Opportunities Read more:changes
Thomas claims AG stole his moustache 2007-08-28 19:00:00 Following accusations that Arizona Attorney General Terry Goddard was impeding an investigation into the prosecution of former state treasurer David Petersen, Maricopa County Attorney Andrew Thomas
filed a second lawsuit claiming that the AG had stolen his moustache.It has been reported that the Attorney General has recently been seen around town sporting a reddish blonde moustache. Around that time, the Thomas began appearing in public without his famous upper lip adornment.“At first, I thought it was the illegal aliens,” said the Maricopa County Attorney, “And then I thought it might be that NBA referee trying to get back at me. Now, I know the truth. Goddard is trying to steal my rugged good looks and make me look younger to the electorate.”The latest allegations add to the heated exchange between the Attorney General and the Attorney elected by the state’s largest county. The Maricopa County Sheriff's Office is already investigating if a large financial payment from the Read more:claims
Bush to replace Gonzales with cuddly kitten 2007-08-27 18:47:00 In the wake of the resignation of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales
, several names have been floated as potential candidates to fill the position. The most recent news coming out from White House insiders is that President Bush plans to nominate “Mr. Whiskers,” a much loved local kitten to fill the role of Attorney General.President Bush said that he was disappointed to accept Gonzales’ resignation, but he hoped that the new appointment would help ease the tensions and animosity that have been brewing within congress for sometime. The President believes that nominating a cute and cuddly animal will help ease the contentious nature that has surrounded most of his previous appointments.The President continued, “You can be assured, that when Mr. Whiskers fires U.S. Attorneys, it won’t be political in nature. Either they were doing a bad job or they were teasing him with a feather, he hates that.”Mr. Whiskers has pledged to continue to defend U.S. interrogation techniques and p
Carpenter runs for President for five minutes 2007-08-23 18:20:00 Former State Representative Ted Carpenter
briefly announced his bid for President
of the United States today. Carpenter, known for his quiet gubernatorial run in 2006, stood on the front stoop of his Phoenix home and announced, “I think I am going to run for President today.”It is unclear if anyone actually heard the announcement. For nearly five whole minutes
, Carpenter sat and thought about what his platform would be for his run. He had nearly completed his entire platform and fundraising plan, when stopped and said, “Wait, nevermind. I think I will just go to the store and pick up some eggs instead.”Zogby reports that for nearly four of the five minutes that Carpenter was in the Presidential Race, he was at least a ten point favorite over Arizona Senator John McCain.
Polls show that Napolitano could beat Chuck Norris in a fight 2007-08-22 13:30:00 A recent poll of self-described Arizona voters shows that the majority of people believe that Governor Janet Napolitano could come out victorious in a scuffle with the famously bearded, martial arts master/actor ChuckNorris
. While the details of the poll were not divulged to the public, it is clear that the people who were surveyed were “probably, kinda, at least maybe thinking about voting.”In fact, when asked what they believe Napolitano’s course of action will be for her second term, a large portion of voters believe that challenging Norris to a fight
is at the top of the list. Fighting Chuck Norris
gathered a whopping 65%, with an additional 34% believing that she would do something with taxes and kids. Only 1% of the electorate thinks that she is going to look into other issues such as water, economic development, and transportation.“Napolitano can kill people with a single glance,” exclaimed one verbatim response. “I heard that she eats a pound of pancakes and a repo Read more:Polls
Pelosi threatens to come back to Arizona unless people re-elect Mitchell 2007-08-16 13:19:00 U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
stopped by Arizona
to appear with two of Arizona’s congressmen and tour the Veterans Medical Center. While she was in town, she also expressed her support for freshman Congressman Harry Mitchell
who will likely face a spirited re-election campaign next fall. Pelosi’s message was loud and clear:“If you don’t promise to re-elect Harry Mitchell, I am going to keep coming back,” assured Speaker Pelosi, “And coming and coming and coming. Look, I like Harry Mitchell. He does what I say and he is a charming dancer. If you don’t get your act together, you are going to see me around here all the time.”Initially, the Speaker’s visit was a mystery to some who believe that her San Francisco popularity does not translate well in Arizona, but it appears that she has found a way to use this issue to her advantage.“Oh God, No!” exclaimed Susie Snider, a moderate, Republican soccer mom, “It’s like I am being forced to vote for Mitchell again. I Read more:people
, unless
First Things First looks to bacon to replace sagging cigarette revenues 2007-08-15 18:40:00 In response to the recent report that cigarette sales have dropped significantly since the passage of steep tobacco taxes last November, Nadine Basha and her First
Things First Coalition have announced their new target: Bacon.“We’re still going after smokers,” said Nadine, wife of famous grocer and former gubernatorial candidate Eddie Basha, “but now, we’re going after another smoked product that’s bad for you – bacon.”“These are kids we are talking about,” said a campaign consultant for the First Things First group, “Why not tax the fatties to pay for childhood education. It only makes sense, plus, we are staying away from liquor so we won’t have well funded opposition.”The bacon tax is seen as a stop gap measure to pay for lagging tobacco sales. Once the program is established, it will start to seep into the general fund expenditures over the years because of the fact that it was voter approved. “Its great and all that people are smoking less,” said Sue
Rejected Campaign Slogans - Russell Pearce 2007-10-15 16:40:00 It is time for another round “RejectedCampaignSlogans
.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. This week, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of State Legislator Russell
Pearce and his exploratory committee for Congressional District 6.
Napolitano proposes “Pay Day Loan” to balance the budget 2007-10-12 14:27:00 Proudly holding up a giant postdated State of Arizona check, Governor Janet Napolitano announced that she has found a solution to the current budget
shortfall. Utilizing several of the thousands of Pay Day Loans stores that can be found throughout the metropolitan Phoenix area, Napolitano was able to put together enough money to make up for the current budget shortage.“All I had to do was put up the deed on the Executive tower, the titles of the State of Arizona’s fleet of vehicles, and a post dated paycheck for every government worker,” explained Napolitano, “Just like that, we were taking stacks of cash away to pay for all the important programs I support. It took a long time to get the money through that little slot underneath the bullet-proof glass.”“Once again, Governor Napolitano has found a way to solve the budget problems while contributing to the local economy,” said Jeanine L'Ecuyer, Napolitano’s Director of Communications, “Plus, did you see her in Newswee
Arpaio seeks refuge from robot from the future 2007-10-09 18:30:00 Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio called a press conference today to tell everyone to be on the look out for a large, well muscled man with sunglasses and an Austrian accent. According to the Sheriff, this mystery man is from the future and intends to “terminate” America’s toughest sheriff before he can start the revolution against the machines and illegal immigrants.The Sheriff warned that the suspect has red glowing eyes and a precarious grasp on the English language. When questioned why the robot would have such a thick accent, the Sheriff explained that it’s because it was “a representation of their attempts to undermine English as our official language.”This futuristic robot bent on world domination is often seen driving around on a motor cycle or talking to day laborers about pulling the bullets out of his bio-mechanical skin. Arpaio told the crowd that he is the only man standing between a future of enslavement to robots and the people who entered here illegally to Read more:refuge
Rejected Campaign Slogans - Mitt Romney 2007-10-08 16:32:00 It is time for another round “RejectedCampaignSlogans
.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. This week, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of Presidential Candidate, Former Massachusetts Governor Romney
.htm">Mitt Romney
.
Libertarians bummed at lack of outrage from Independents 2007-10-19 13:35:00 Following the recent U.S. District Court ruling barring Independents from voting in Libertarian primaries, the Arizona Libertarian Party (ALP) braced for an onslaught of angry Independent voters. That barrage never came. Now, a few weeks later, the sense of defiance has turned to a feeling of regret.“I am not going to lie,” said Michael Kielsky, Chairman of the Arizona Libertarian Party, “I was a little bummed when the phone didn’t start ringing off the hook. I saw this as a way to tell some people about our libertarian principles, but no one seems to care.”“It sort of feels like we threw a party and nobody came,” lamented David B. Schlosser,ALP’s Secretary, “I thought we would have a wave of people changing their voter registration or calling us begging to allow them to vote in our primary. I even picked up the phone a few times to check the dial tone to make sure the thing was working.”According to the Secretary of State’s most recent voter counts, there are ab Read more:Libertarians
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