Owner: this quintessence of dust URL:http://thisquintessenceofdust.blogspot.com Join Date: Fri, 05 Oct 2007 11:31:59 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: In the year 2000, I invented the phrase "beefy showers", the use of which is spreading among television weatherpeople. Since then, nothing has happened. Site statistics:Click here
vespula vulgaris 2007-09-28 14:32:00 I was walking to work yesterday when an insect landed on my head. I had seen the fucker fall from the sky, had felt his weight upon my temple, and could now see him out of the corner of my left eye. He was wearing yellow with black stripes - a wasp. I tried to brush the thing off with a flicking motion of the three largest fingers on my left hand. He would not move. I flicked again, this time emitting a quiet "euuugh" sound from my mouth. The fucker was rooted, and then he stung me. "Christ fucking cunt," I said, finding the beast's thorax with my fingers and pulling him free.My hand opened and the stripy cunt was on the pavement. The poison was already spreading from my temple towards my eye socket, and my head felt noticeably larger. By this time I had stopped my steady progression towards the place of my employment and was shuffling from side to side, broken. Some men with fluorescent jackets were working above, laughing. Were they laughing at my massive, poison-filled head? The pr
sweet dreams 2007-09-20 17:25:00 Last night, I had a vivid dream. I was in a non-specific apartment talking amiably with my neighbours, with whom in real life I recently had an argument; I was aware of a car parked outside - I could see it through the window; then the apartment caught fire - I escaped; outside I realised I had been in a holiday apartment - there was a swimming pool and people lounging on deckchairs; I met my friends - they complimented me on my sunglasses; it was very hot, I was getting sunburn, so I dived into the pool; when I surfaced, I was awake.I awoke in a good mood. I don't often remember my dreams, and when I do, I forget them quickly. Because this dream had remained with me all day, I decided to interpret it with an online dream translator.The translator starts off quite positively. "Enemies: To dream that you are dealing with the enemies [my neighbours] represents a resolution to some inner conflict or waking life problem; Friends: To see your friends in your dream signifies aspects of your
i think therefore i am (paranoid and vain) 2007-09-11 13:16:00 I'm on Wandsworth Common, preparing to leave the bit of grass on which I have been sitting, packing the pockets of my shorts with my various paraphernalia, which include a newspaper and a pen; but not the newspaper: my pockets aren't that big. I notice a young lady walking towards me. She seems to be smiling at me. I can't really tell because the cheap women's sunglasses I bought from Boots on Oxford Street last week to avert a sun-combined-with-other-people-induced breakdown are struggling to cope properly with the big ball of fire in the sky; I am disappointed with their sun-glare-stopping capabilities but sufficiently convinced of their UV protection for my eyes - they came with a European quality-assurance certificate - for me to continue to don them without too much regret. Is she smiling at me? I should smile back. But what if she isn't smiling at me and I smile at her and she doesn't smile back? Anyway, she's likely got a boyfriend - an utter dogtosser, probably - so what Read more:paranoid
, think
fuzzy logic 2007-09-04 16:31:00 Last month I began to grow a beard. Yet four weeks into the facial furnishing, I utilised my Gillette Mach 3 to remove the fur. This followed an alarming and tacit acceptance into the world of the bearded man, and subsequent (likely subconsciously deliberate) sabotage of my mouth-muffler.Three weeks into the liberation of my chin follicles, I was quite pleased with the result: the hair was acting as a perfect cover for the double chin I inherited from my grandmother, and it fermented a willing illusion that I was entering the realms of manhood previously explored by the likes of Tom Selleck, Carlito's Way-era Al Pacino, and Father Christmas.But then I noticed a remarkable phenomenon. Bearded strangers were smiling at me on the street, like we were masons greeting each other secretly through the covert hail of the lip Caterpillar. One gentleman in Hammersmith was particularly disturbing. I was waiting at a zebra crossing, and he was standing at the opposite traffic lights - spreading h
zippy 2007-08-22 17:37:00 So I get back to my desk and happen to glance down. My flies are undone. This is made worse by the fact that I'm wearing my jeans with button flies, and the buttons are particularly large and shiny, so they stand out like foil milk-bottle tops left out for starlings to swoop down and peck to pieces.The situation is exacerbated by the office, which is staffed largely by women. I take another glance: the opening to my trousers are agape, like the mouth of some bird-eating plant. Because I happen to be wearing my 'I'm Feeling Fruity' boxer shorts, the bird-eating plant looks like a particularly dangerous Amazonian rainforest specimen. I pull the bottom of my shirt over the offending, any-which-way-but-loose pantaloons. Has anybody noticed? Has there, dare I even think it, been a sighting of my Old Chap? I console myself with the thought that my journey from toilet to desk would likely have gleaned no sightings due to my walking style, which is free of the kind of hip movement that cou
correction: James is not tight 2007-08-19 18:05:00 On 11 August, I described my flatmate James
as "tight
". James would like me to point out that he is not tight, and on the contrary is "anything but". I am only too happy to make this correction
and, after all, am quite sure I intended to write the word "sometimes" before the word "tight", but evidently neglected to do so.Indeed, James is not: 1. "stretched or drawn so as not to be loose; taut". He is in fact rotund of belly, thus flabby; which in his younger years could have been described as puppy fat. 2. "fitting in a close manner". He wears his clothes baggy style; possibly to shield onlookers' eyes from the flab (see definition 1).3. "held, made, fixed, or closed firmly and securely". He is manufactured poorly, and his contents often spill forth; I am particularly thinking of New Year's Day 2006, when the kitchen pedal-bin was dispatched to his bedside, and our bathroom this morning - something you ate, James?4. "cramped or constricted". (see definition 3; for a packet of Imodium
rinse and repeat if necessary 2007-08-11 08:48:00 On Friday morning I awoke on the lounge floor. The neighbours upstairs have issues around noise, so I had decamped to the living area in my sleeping bag. I awoke from troubled dreams and a restless night, feeling part-sloth, part-slug and part-Chris. I made my way to the bathroom.I turned on the shower and noticed we had run out of shampoo. I went into the kitchen to see if my flatmate had bought any. I was not wearing my contact lenses, but I could see a big white bottle with "shampoo and conditioner" written on its frontage. I returned to the shower. I doused myself with the bottle's contents. A bit runny, I thought, but then my flatmate is tight so he probably bought some cheap own-label brand. More of the contents were poured over my head. What's that smell, I thought. Smells like... boot polish, or something. And my face... my face is... burning. I reappraised the product in my hand. It was a 500ml bottle of Autoglym "concentrated shampoo with rust inhibitor... suitable for regu
a good man is hard to find 2007-08-09 10:00:00 Earlier this year I was interviewed for a job by an organisation whose identity I cannot reveal due to the secret nature of the organisation. Let’s just say that the first letter of the organisation’s abbreviated name is M, which probably stands for something like “military”, and the second letter is I, which likely stands for something along the lines of, ooh, a synonym for “cleverness”. The final part of the organisation’s name is located after 4 and before 6 in the numerical alphabet.Surprisingly, I had found myself applying for a position with this organisation. Due to the highly secretive nature of the position within the highly secretive organisation, I cannot reveal its title. But if one were to take the full word denoted by the second letter of the organisation’s name and add it before the words “police officer” with the word “police” removed, the secret title of the highly secretive position would present itself.There was a five-stage interview process:
chorophobia on the window ledge 2007-08-06 09:56:00 I guess that when people stand on the edge of window sills 20 storeys up, looking at the lovely concrete below, they think about their life’s achievements. So, what have I achieved?1. I once smoked a cigarette right to the end without dropping any ash. The brand was Benson & Hedges (aka Benny Hedgehogs), which, according to my father and other people, are the best cigarettes. My father looks like Saddam Hussein, and in his prime looked like Fred West, so who am I to argue? The other people don’t look like the former Iraqi president nor the late convicted serial killer, but I value their opinions. It should be noted that the Benny Hedgehog was smoked in Tenerife, whose humid climate may have aided the successful ‘smoke it in one’ stunt.2. Three Christmases ago I hid from my parents in their own house. I was in the spare room, minding my own business, when the doorbell rang. They had invited people round to “look at the house”. Why? My father and the people were in the corrid
TK Maxx and the wrong trousers 2007-08-03 06:04:00 Dear ChrisThank you for your e-mail.I apologise that the waist size of the trousers you purchased in our Hammersmith store did not match with the waist size on the hanger. I have spoken to the store manager and passed on your comments. The stock does go on the right hangers when it is put on the shop floor, but unfortunately customers sometimes put them back on the incorrect hangers in the changing rooms.If your trousers are soiled, we will not be able to offer a refund.I am sorry for the inconvenience this has caused you.Kind regards,T.K. Maxx Customer Service----- original message -----Dear TK MaxxI was in your Hammersmith store earlier this week and I noticed that the labelling on your pantaloons was erroneous. For instance, one pair of slacks that caught my fancy were advertised by their hanger as being 34 inches in waistage and 34 inches in length. I did not try on the leg-huggers as the store was rather busy and my husband was sitting in an open-topped Austin Metro outside the em
the nurse and the professor 2007-08-01 16:36:00 I have made the mistake of joining an online dating agency. I blame the people I know in real life for repelling my aromatic advances. So far, I have been on three "dates". They were all terrible. Especially the first and the third (the second was remarkably unremarkable other than the fact that the contents of her handbag were stolen while I was in the toilet and I could tell she was unconvinced of my innocence).The first was a nurse. She looked disappointed when she saw me. Fair enough, I thought. Then we started talking.Nurse: "I have two jobs. One of them is dealing with patients in a clinic, the other is consultancy, which means I get out of London and travel around. But the downside is I sometimes have to work weekends, which is OK because I really like my job. I used to just work in the clinic and I was getting bored of it, but since I took on the consultancy role I've got my motivation back. So, what are you interested in?"Me: "Badgers."She looked disappointed, so I listed som Read more:professor
M&S and the Basmati Bard 2007-07-31 09:39:00 Dear ChrisThank you for your email and the most eloquent way you explained the trouble you are having with our packaging.At M&S customer comments are very important to us. We always welcome ideas about ways in which we can improve our products and services, and so I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us.I would like you to know that I have already passed your comments on to our packaging team who I know will give this careful consideration.Thank you again for taking the time to email. I hope you will continue to enjoy shopping with us in the future.Kindest Regards,Rebecca DennyMarks & Spencer Retail Customer Services-----Original Message-----Dear M&SI would like to draw your attention to the packaging used on your 1kg bags of Basmati rice. The decrepit design means that when one opens the plastic receptacle at the designated re-sealable mouth of the bag, rather than the gob simply opening to reveal the foodstuff within, the sheath inevitably tears its side and sends rice
sainsbury's write 2007-07-30 17:47:00 Chris,You are correct, the missing word is "free".Best regardsRob MarsdenStore ManagerSainsbury's, Hammersmith-----Original Message-----Thank you.Can I just confirm that the missing word is "free"?ThanksChris-----Original Message-----Dear Mr Young,Thank you for bringing this grammatical error to my attention.We'll have it rectified.Best regardsRob MarsdenStore ManagerSainsbury's, Hammersmith-----Original Message-----Sir,I noticed in your Kingsmall Hammersmith store this afternoon that a "customer notice" by the tills contained the sign-off: "Please feel tocontact me."What am I meant to be feeling? The checkout girls? The weight of my Sainsbury's Full Breakfast sandwich? Pleased in the knowledge that I am purchasing foodstuff at competitive prices?Please advise,Chris Young
symbollox 2007-07-30 17:42:00 Bez from the Happy Mondays dancing with maracas:¿-o-?A morbidly obese person changing a lightbulb:O-?A person with an average body-mass index changing a lightbulb:o-?Emperor penguins traversing the Arctic wilderness:££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££A toppled snowman:oOA gentleman's pipe:__[]A really fat duck:^O°Bez from the Happy Mondays dancing with maracas all night:¿-o-? ?-o-¿ ¿-o-? ?-o-¿ ¿-o-? ?-o-¿ ¿-o-? ?-o-¿ ¿-o-? ?-o-¿ ¿-o-? ?-o-¿¿-o-? ?-o-¿ ¿-o-? ?-o-¿ ¿-o-? ?-o-¿ ¿-o-?The sun rising...:o 0 O... and setting (ahhh):O 0 o _A lost Emperor Penguin:£A giant caterpillar chasing a really fat duck:WWWWWWWW ^O°An Emperor search party looking for the lost penguin:££££££££ £They've found him:££££££££-£
don't ask me 2007-07-30 17:39:00 Earlier this summer I found myself looking into the Thames, about 40 yards west from where the Millennium Bridge meets the north bank. A peasant approached me.Peasant: "How do you get onto the Millennium Bridge?"Me: "The steps"Peasant: "... And where are they?.."*Perhaps the best questions I have overheard have come from salespeople.Salesperson: "How do you spell 'Christian'?"Another salesperson: "The person or the religion?"Salesperson: "The person."Another salesperson: "I've Googled it: 'c', 'h', 'r'..."During the following exchange, me and two salespeople were eating our luncheons.Salesperson: "How much money would you charge to sleep with your own grandfather?"Another salesperson (after much thought): "£16,000."Salesperson: "£16,000 to sleep with your own grandfather."Another salesperson: "But he's dead."Salesperson: "So, £16,000 to sleep with your dead grandfather."Another salesperson (after much thought): "In cash."And today I heard this.Salesperson: "Where is Yorksh
insects, they hate me 2007-07-30 17:36:00 Last weekend I was sitting in the back garden of my parents' house. The flowers planted and tendered by my mother were myriad; the lawn nurtured by my father recently cut; the sun a colossal burning ball of hydrogen, helium, and other trace elements, in hat fashion. The result: lots of insects.I was wearing a pale blue shirt with a lazy but tactile pattern, and it has been remarked upon by at least one lady (yes, TK Maxx is an emporium for kings). Mother was sitting beside me on the patio, going on about swans or something, while father, standing aside a sycamore tree at the foot of the garden, was describing, in mime, how he had scared off the local squirrel with a power hose. One of the old man's Benson & Hedges was burning in the table ashtray. And then mother stopped talking about swans: I, she informed me, was covered in insects.The fucking things were everywhere. And I'm not even sure what they were. Things that you forget exist when you move to London and don't leave for
hyperoodon ampullatus 2007-07-30 17:32:00 Rolling news should be banned. Even when "exciting" events happen - such as people who believe in God driving a flaming Jeep into the side of Glasgow Airport - they are followed by 24/7 nonsense.Luckily I was spared the trauma of witnessing the following broadcast, described to me by a friend: soon after the burning Jeep incident, a television reporter asked a local man to "give our viewers a sense of Glasgow Airport". The peasant responded: "The airport is about the size of a football field. But a bit narrower."Thanks mate. I've really got a "sense" now of the Scottish city's air-traffic infrastructure.There have only been two times, ever, when rolling news was needed. The first was 9/11; the second was when that whale swam up the Thames. The Northern Bottlenose Whale (hyperoodon ampullatus), who The Sun named "Wally", the Daily Mail "Willy", the Daily Mirror "Whaley", The Times "the Prince of Whales" and the Evening Standard "Pete", was possibly lured to the Thames with chips by Sk
il tasso 2007-07-30 17:20:00 A few years ago I found myself in a small Italian town called San Remo. The only item I have to report from this visit is the fact that a local car dealership had giant posters of badgers in its windows and hanging from the ceiling. Curious.My limited acquaintance with la lingua italiana – the local peasants and shop stewards alike found my attempts to blend in invariably amusing – told me that tasso, the Italian for badger, is very close to tassa, the Italian for tax. The dealer was obviously offering some tax incentive to buyers of his machines, which ex-Alfa Romeo owner might describe as not incentive enough. How marvellous that the abstract business principle of tax should be illustrated with the mighty badger. Obviously, this cannot be crossed over to the English. "Tax doesn’t have to be taxing" – so says Adam Hart-Davis in HM Customs & Excise’s TV ads – but badgers do have to be badgering. A non-badgering badger is an oxymoron. Or a fat stripy dog.The English word
[certain newspaper] my arse! 2007-07-30 17:18:00 Dear Mr YoungIt is disappointing that you obviously feel so aggrieved. Without making any admission of liability, I have authorised payment of your invoice which you will receive in due course. Your acceptance of that payment will constitute full and final settlement of any claims you have or believe you may have against this company or its employees.For the record, we will not be requiring your services in the future. I would ask you to refrain from making any malicious allegations against us within the marketplace that you are not confident are true or correct. I will not be engaging in any further correspondence with you on this issue.Yours sincerelyxxxx xxxxxPublishing Directorxxxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxx Read more:certain
kebabs happen to the best of us (part 2) 2007-07-30 17:16:00 The first time I consumed a kebab in broad daylight should have been the last time I consumed a kebab in broad daylight. Having patronised the Balham Grill at 7pm, I made for home, nursing the polystyrene recepticle that housed my meatstuff.Once home, I entered the communal corridor outside my flat. It is my usual practice to sort the mail, and distribute said correspondence accordingly. But on this occasion I was impeded by my recepticle, the management of which made sorting the post a cumbersome affair. So I determined to store all the correspondence in my coat pocket, enter my flat, safely store my barbecued morsels and distribute the mail as usual.As I was fumbling for my keys, the communal door opened. It was Sheila from the flat upstairs. Her presence made me rather self-conscious, and I detected that my kebab was committing an olfactory offence. I apologised on behalf of the chicken shish:Me: "I'm sorry about the smell."Sheila: "What smell?"Me: "My kebab. I'm afraid my kebab m
kebabs happen to the best of us (part 1) 2007-07-30 17:15:00 Last Friday evening, I decided that I might like a kebab. My fellow commuter left me to my culinary adventure with a concerned look. I was in Balham, so made my way to the Balham Grill, just outside the Tube station. It was 6.30pm.At first everything was normal. I entered the Grill, observed the selection of barbecued meatstuffs illustrated on the menu, and made my choice: a small chicken shish. Having patronised the Grill previously, I knew that the 'small chicken shish' would more accurately be described as the 'medium chicken shish'. It really is a generous portion for £3.The morsels had been sizzling for five minutes when a gentleman appeared in the doorway of the Grill. He owned a sturdy walking stick, had a rather bent disposition, and obviously found all movement a chore. It took him many moments to enter the fast-food emporium and shuffle to the counter.After a brief discussion with the chef, during which our crippled fellow declared that he would purchase items totalling
how big is wembley stadium? 2007-07-30 17:11:00 How big is the new Wembley Stadium? Below are ten clues, followed by the answer!The Clues:1. "A village has risen up against plans for a compost waste site because… of the impact an industrial four-storey building the size of two football pitches would have." (Theargus.co.uk)2. "The Trafford Centre is the size of 30 football pitches." (www.manchesterconfidential.co.uk)3. "Amazon had identified a number of potential locations… The facility, which will store thousands of products from books to electrical equipment, will be equivalent in size to 10 football pitches." (icwales.icnetwork.co.uk)4. "The solar panels, which occupy an area equivalent to 50 football pitches, generate 9.5 mega-watts of peak power." (The Australian)5. "Celebrity bands and singers entertaining crowds of people in two pink marquees the size of football pitches." (Rye & Battle Observer)6. "But the car park is the size of seven football pitches..." (Dorset Echo)7. "The academy is the size of two football pitch
life is like a kebab, you never know what you're going to get 2007-10-10 18:07:00 Life is full of surprises: some mammals, including the duck-billed platypus, lay eggs, instead of giving birth to their young; certain species of bird, such as the mighty penguin, cannot fly; painter and television personality Rolf Harris makes an astonishingly effective cameo as a street artist on Kate Bush's incredible 2005 album Aerial ("A little bit lighter there, maybe with some accents," he says, as Bush laments the coming rain's inevitable destruction of our man's creation); and some men (not me) are able, apparently, to lactate from their nipples (on the subject of which, the American singer Tori Amos is pictured in the accompanying booklet to award-winning album Boys for Pele suckling a pig).I returned home one evening this week to find my flatmate - who trained as an architect, is employed as an architect, and takes great pride in describing himself as a "professional", while pointing out to me that, because I trained as a journalist (although I am not one), I am officiall
75 per cent of London thinks I'm boring 2007-10-20 06:01:00 God, I'm boring
. I always suspected this was the case, and last week I had it proved to me. Having submitted a slightly edited version of my 'fuzzy logic' post to thelondonpaper, they printed the thing in their Talk section, where a reader becomes a 'columnist' for the day (my byline was "Chris Young, 28, is a dancer from Balham"). At the bottom of the column, there is a number for readers to text in and vote on whether they want "more", or whether they think the writer is a "bore". Following the publication of my 400-word ramble on beards, 75 per cent
of London decided that I was a "bore". Needless to say, I had voted "more", which cost me 35p. Perhaps I annoyed some hairy men. Or maybe people just don't like dancers from Balham.The fear is that I have already become as boring as my father, who can clear a room not only on the basis that he bears more than a passing resemblance to Saddam Hussein and the serial killer Fred West, but because his 'dad talk' can out-dad the most d
smoking backwards 2007-10-24 17:10:00 I am not usually prone to hypochondria, but I seem to have caught a dose of the malady from my flatmate who, when I enter our abode having popped outside for a quick cigarette, wraps his scarf around his mouth and shouts, through the woollen garment, "I'm catching cancer! I'm catching cancer!". He also claims to be able to smell the cigarettes of people smoking on the street when he is in his bedroom (which does not have a window facing the street, and which is 40 feet from the nearest window that does).Normally, I am unconcerned that I smell like I am dying, but yesterday I convinced myself that I had shortened my life by at least three days on the discovery that I was smoking a cigarette backwards. When I first lit the pleasure stick, I had stumbled, but thought nothing of it. Further down the road, I became acquainted with a neighbour's shrubbery. Having righted myself, I detected a strange taste in my mouth; my tongue told me I was eating an unfortunate, partially cooked hedgeho
beware of the dog 2007-11-02 18:08:00 In March, we were burgled. I subsequently purchased an alarm to dissuade the thieves from returning - they kicked in the flat door, which snapped horizontally at the hinges, allowing the blighters to lift the bottom of it like a big flap (they must have been cat burglars), crawl beneath and make off with our television. But the alarm remains in its box, down the side of the sofa. It looks plastic and rubbish and was couriered from Scotland. So I have devised an alternative system.What I need is a stuffed dog. We cannot buy a live dog because the flat is too small to keep a pet. It is so small that when my parents first visited, my dad, searching for the toilet, left our abode, which is on the ground floor, and made up the communal staircase to the flat above, believing that we surely owned that bit of the house too; my mother had to collect him, and usher the confused man back down the stairs and into our very small toilet.Thus the guard dog must be stuffed. He or she will ideally be a
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