Owner: Handbook for the Hellbound URL:http://hellboundsmoker.blogspot.com Join Date: Tue, 02 Oct 2007 08:20:47 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: All the filth and fury that's fit to print, and then some. Not for the faint of heart, feeble of bladder or slow of wit. Site statistics:Click here
Lifestyles Of The Rich And Shameless 2007-10-02 07:26:00 I love rich people! Not just because they’re better than you or I (which they are, in every way), but because they’re also a constant source of amusement. For instance, would you like to purchase a blank piece of paper for $5000? No? What if I told you that it was a painting of a polar bear in a snowstorm? Deal! While you’re viewing your new acquisition, can I interest you in some raw eggs, scraped from a fish’s cunt? No? Well, what if I put those eggs in a tin, gave them a fancy, ooh-la-la French name and charged fifty bucks? Merci! You might be a little parched with a stomach-full of eggs scraped from a trout’s vagina. Can I interest you in a glass of expired grape run-off, crushed between the fat, hairy toes of a scruffy European peasant? No, monsieur? How about if I tip it into a bottle, slap on a label with a date and waffle on about how 1992 was an awesome year for grapes? Oui oui! That’s right. Rich people will buy anything (and I mean anything), as long as it has Read more:Lifestyles
, Shameless
This Entry (Much Like Those Preceding And Following It) Is Not Safe For Work! 2007-09-25 23:53:00 Ever have one of those days where you just can’t put a foot right? Any way you step, you’re always three inches over the line? You’re always doing something wrong or unintentionally pissing somebody off? I call those days “Weekdays”. I used to blame myself, but upon reflection I now realize it’s everybody else’s fault for being so fucking nit-picky, short-fused and tightly-wound. Methinks some of you piss and moan too much. Seriously, it wouldn’t kill some you motherfuckers to take a deep breath, mellow out and put a drop of lavender in your bubble-bath! In case you missed the memo going around the office, Handbook for the Hellbound is NOT SAFE FOR WORK! In fact, not only is it not safe for your cubicle, it’s been pronounced ‘Unfit For Public Consumption’ by no less a panel of experts than my homies. If you’re reading this at the office, naughty naughty! In a complete about-face (guaranteed to alienate what little audience I have left after the last couple of Read more:Entry
, Following
Hooray For Bullies! 2007-09-25 00:37:00 A lot of people (okay, maybe just one or two) say to me “Jon, you’re a funny motherfucker! How can I be as funny as you?” Short answer: you can’t. I run this shit! I’m the big dick in this glory-hole. Hard to believe as it may be, I wasn’t always this side-splittingly hilarious. It’s an interesting story, involving yours truly seeking out the lost jock-strap of the late, great Richard Pryor, free-basing his grotty, caked-up skid-marks, inhaling the fumes and thereby imbibing his comic essence. In fact, it was made into a movie a few years ago. In a questionable casting decision, Pauly Shore was chosen to play me. It received harsh reviews in most publications and was only given a limited theatre run, so you probably didn’t see it. Don’t bother looking for it at your local video store either. At the behest of Mr. Pryor’s estate, the studio decided not to license the movie for video, DVD or YouTube. If you haven’t seen it, you probably never will. Sucks to be yo
HFTH Special: The Bum's Gospel 2007-09-20 03:27:00 Editing my entire back catalogue was the best and the worst thing I’ve ever done. It’s something I’d recommend to any writer. I don’t care who you are, your shit can always be improved. In the process of editing, I learned a lot of shit-hot writing tips, such as to never start a sentence with the word ‘and’. And never to start a sentence with the word ‘but’. But there are exceptions to every rule. And you’ll probably find many flagrant violations of this rule in my catalogue. Of the 130 entries I started with, I’m down to a final 87. Sure, I was a little butt-hurt to delete some of them, but they just didn’t hold up over time. Don’t get me wrong. I still think Allison DuBois is an evil fucking witch who deserves to be burned at stake, but perhaps my “Who Wants To Gang-Rape Allison DuBois?” entry was pushing it just a little. In summary, my back catalogue has been shaved cleaner than Sylvia Saint’s sagging, cavernous pussy. However, it was a lot of effo Read more:Gospel
, Special
This Is Not An Entry About The All Blacks 2007-09-08 06:07:00 A wise man once said "Some days you're eating steak, some days you're eating shit." I’ve a feeling that wise man was Henry Rollins, but I also have a feeling that the rim-job smile I've been sporting lately speaks volumes about my diet. Speaking of my diet, let me preface this entry by saying that the absolute worst thing about having a drunken degenerate gambler for a brother is not the fact that he's a drunkard, a degenerate or a compulsive gambler. It's the fact that whenever he does something really stupid or irresponsible, he'll try to deflect some of the fallout onto you. The conversation with my mother goes a little something like this..."Roy (as that's my brother's name)! I can't believe you blew all your weekly wages in a drunken stupor on those damn pokie machines!""Oh yeah? Well, well... Uh... Jon fries all his foods with butter! Remember that genetic cholesterol condition he's got, Mum? Let's talk about Jon and his butter addiction for a while (thus deflecting Read more:Blacks
, Entry
Inhale... Exhale... I Just Got A Bible Verse In The Mail... 2007-09-03 07:27:00 It had to happen sooner or later. There I was, soaking up the sun on a Sunday morning, smoking a cigarette with one hand and copping a feel of my massive genitals with the other. Along comes my neighbour - let's call him "Rodney," for the sake of argument. Rodney playfully asks me "How come you're not in Church this morning?" No doubt he expected me, being the awesomely funny motherfucker I am, to come back with a delicious quip about how Jesus forgives all, including my Sunday-morning tardiness."I'm an Atheist," I replied dryly."Oh." The shit-eating grin slid off his face faster than a turd down a hydroslide. One of those. Sure, I may have been good enough to exchange small-talk with before. Now that I've dropped the "A" bomb, I'm the goddamn devil (which is a very hip thing for an Atheist to be.) Of course, in the glorified retirement home/cat farm in which I dwell, gossip spreads like wild-fire, in lieu of anything better on television.Now all the neighbours know that I'm the Read more:Exhale
, Inhale
Eat My Fuck, TVNZ!!! 2007-08-31 19:20:00 Is it too much of a worn-out cliché to piss and moan about the quality of television these days? I don't think so. Shit, as far as I'm concerned, I'm the only person to ever point out that many of the programs on TV are in fact, shit, while the rest of you lowly peons have been greedily swallowing every last corn-soaked, nuggety morsel of excrement, just waiting for a messiah like yours truly to blaze the trail. Then again, I live under a fucking rock. What do I know?Like any self-respecting bum, much of my weekday (in)activity consists of flopping my hairy ass on the couch, guitar in hand while re-runs of Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy play in the background. As I'd eat a mile of Teri Hatcher's runny, gin-fueled shit to get to her sweet, MILFish ass, I can live with that. As much as I loathe and despise Reality TV, I've given up complaining about it.Sometimes it's just easier to go with the flow. I've got many shit-hot ideas for blockbuster television shows. As I'm
I Was Too Poor To Afford A Father's Day Gift, So I Wrote This Shitty Entry 2007-08-30 05:24:00 I'm beginning to see why it took me so long to move out of Mum's sleepout. Paying all your own bills licks ass. To say nothing of scrubbing your own piss-stains off the bathroom floor, but hell, at least you know they dribbled out of your cock. I've had to make a lot of sacrifices in the last week-and-a-half, all in the name of tightening my belt. The more astute of you may have noticed that I'm writing this on dial-up, as broadband was a sacrifice I had to make.I can live happily without YouTube, Google Video or being able to load all the flashy, animated shit on some dick-fuck Emo-kids' MySpace page, but what the hell am I going to do for porn?! For the moment, I've had to revert back to using my imagination. As it's been quite a while since I've felt, cupped, grabbed, squeezed or punched a real, actual breast, the image in my mind that I'm beating my cock bloody and raw to may not resemble a real, actual woman, inasmuch as it may resemble a monster from the Dungeons & D Read more:Entry
, Father
Like A Rat Out Of Hell 2007-08-28 06:58:00 "You can joke about anything, as long as it's funny." - George Carlin It's very rare that I'll drop a quote into my shit, but if I'm going to quote anybody, who better than the great George Carlin? Besides, it's pertinent to what I'm about to write. It's also very rare that I'll touch on anything 'topical' in my shit. I wrote something about Chris Benoit once (while grossly inebriated) and it fucking sucked. If you're looking for something topical, you're a long way from Candyland, nigga.Those of you outside of New Zealand might not be familiar with this story that cropped up a week ago. If you can't be arsed clicking on the link, here's the story in a nutshell: shitty, sub-par pizza company makes a billboard featuring Hitler (Adolf Hitler, of course, not to be confused with scat-porn superstar Arnold Hitler) saluting with a pizza slice, controversy ensues."Aha ha ha ha!! It's Hitler!! And he's saluting... with a pizza slice!! Aha ha ha ha!! That's hilarious!! Because
Pray For Brazilian Pancakes With A Side Of Black Pepper 2007-08-17 03:31:00 I remember something my Mum always told me (and still tells me to this day) when she was confronted with my distinctive, low-brow (and might I add, fucking Pulitzer-worthy) brand of toilet humour... "Ladies don't appreciate that sort of disgusting filth!" According to dear old Mum, the mere mention of a four-letter word or the faintest suggestion of acts such as clit-wanking, turkey-slapping or the Brazilian
Pancake* would be enough to give any member of the 'fairer' sex a cardiac arrest, a cerebral hemorrhage and a fatal constriction of the turd-cutter all at once.Yeah? Well fuck you, Mum! Have I got news for you! Besides my homies and fellow Atheist pundit Godless Kiwi (who I secretly hope is a short, dorky-looking chick with dark hair and a cruel, sarcastic sense of humour, yet suspect has a bigger dick than I do,) most of the people who read my shit are females. Females of the opposite gender, no less. Not to be confused with females of the same gender, like Buck Angel - the man Read more:Black
, Black Pepper
, Pancakes
, Pepper
Render Unto Caesar What Caeser (In This Case, Me) Demands 2007-08-16 07:13:00 Moderation is the key to everything. Masturbating with a fist-full of Vaseline is great every once in a while, on a special occasion such as your birthday, daylight savings or when you've just downloaded Ass Academy II: Fuck My Hungry Bum. That said, if you do it all the time (like I've been doing lately,) you'll never want to stroke off the 'regular' way again.If you can't afford Vaseline, Motor Oil is an excellent substitute for a smooth, frictionless tug. Once the tub of Vaseline my homie Rob gave me for my birthday runs out, I'm going to be one itchy little fist-fucker. It'll take a while to re-acclimatize myself to the dry, sandpapery feeling of my bare, hairy hands scraping mercilessly against the throbbing shaft of my thick, uncircumcised cock.As I'm broke (translation: I don't really fancy paying for a legitimate copy) I'm in the process of downloading Civilization IV. I love all those empire-building/strategy type games. They always make me think about how much bett Read more:Caesar
, Render
Ante Up, Bitches... It's My Birthday! Well, Sort Of... 2007-08-10 21:35:00 As an Atheist, you know who I really, really hate? That's right... other Atheists! Fuck them! Fuck 'em right in the corn-hole 'til they scream 'Sweet Jesus!' and bleed seven shades of red death! Trust me... I‘m going somewhere with this. Although they may be immune to lightning bolts and pwnage from the invisible man in the clouds, they are not immune to carrying the asshole gene. That's right, folks. Atheists are people too. People are often rude, boorish, inarticulate, thoughtless, short-fused and willfully ignorant. Call me a Sociopath (please do, as it sounds much friendlier than 'Psychopath'), but I don't care for people much. Although some of you may discriminate, I sure as shit don't. Nobody gets a free pass. There are many Atheists I'd happily push face-first into a belt-sander... not because they're Atheists, but because they're assholes.Anyway, I suppose two paragraphs is enough. Time to say something nice about my 'side,' if you will. Christian girls give l Read more:Birthday
, Bitches
You Just Can't Make This Shit Up 2007-08-10 03:17:00 What the fuck is wrong with some of you people? Although I'm grateful for everybody that reads my shit, I've got a special knack for drawing the freaks, faggots, junkies and drunks like a priest to a pre-school. Sometimes it tickles me to no end to see what some of you sick fucks were looking for when you stumbled across my page. The following are some of the more amusing Google searches that have lead y'all to Handbook for the Hellbound, so here come the highlights...tony robbins donkey punch - I have to admit this would make a great cartoon! You might have had something else in mind, but in my scenario, Tony Robbins would be the punchee, rather than the puncher. Thanks for the killer suggestion and expect to see this cartoon very soon!grannies jacking off - I'm not going to tell you what's wrong with this one. If you can't nut out the basic anatomical problems here, I really can't help you. I'm not sure whether you were looking for (a) old men jacking off, (b) grannies jillin
Nutty Shit Scrapings And Diarrhea Of The Brain 2007-08-07 05:31:00 I'm not trying to pick on you Yanks, but there's some shit y'all need to sort out. Of course, I'm talking to the tourists and keyboard commandos who hover like vultures over message boards and YouTube comment spaces. As somebody who's never been to George W.'s magic kingdom, the amount of times I've heard a disgusting, loudmouthed gastropod chant the mantra "We saved your ass in World War II!" is mind-boggling.Hold on a minute there, cowboy... we? What's with this ‘we’ shit? Again, I'm not talking to all you guys, but I firmly believe there are Americans and there are Yanks (much like Chris Rock's infamous "Niggers vs. Black People" rant)... I'm talking to you Yanks. What is it with you guys trying to claim personal involvement in the actions of your Government or Military? Let's look at your bare-assed claim again, shall we?On top of the fact that you desperately need to un-wedge your head from your ass, read a fucking history book and give Churchill and Stalin (repreh Read more:Brain
, Nutty
Send In The Clones (Biotech Is Jonzilla) 2007-10-09 07:04:00 How awesome would it be to have a clone? You might be tempted to think that I’d get a little more writing done if I had one, but if anything, I’d probably be writing less. Hell, I’m pretty hard-up for good conversation around these parts (what with neighbours obsessed with kicking and rapping, stealing medication from the Elderly and rooting their cats), so chances are I’d spend most of my time getting drunk and watching re-runs of King of the Hill with my clone. Sure, it’d be fun for the first few days, until the money and the beer ran out. I’m a thirsty motherfucker at the best of times, so I’d imagine my clone (Jon 2.0) would be doubly so. Sooner or later, we’d be bound to get into a fight about something and quite frankly, I’m so out of shape that I’m not sure if I could kick my own ass, should the need arise. One good nipple-cripple and I’d be a dead man. Cloning also raises another issue (and I’d imagine you saw this one coming a mile away)… if you ha Read more:Clones
You Want Cartoons? Shove THIS Up Your Shit-Pipe!! 2007-10-08 07:33:00 All right, all right… I can take a hint. At the risk of a full-blown mutiny and having my subscribers drop off like flies (which they tend to do on a cyclical basis anyway, whenever I write something really disgusting, but hey... fuck them if they can't take a joke!), I’m going to cave into what very well may be overwhelming demand. Believe it or not, I did have a kick-ass idea for a cartoon last entry. Unfortunately, it didn’t quite pan out, so I had to run it sans cartoon. But let me make it up to you with this piece of shit I cobbled together a few hours ago. I think it speaks for itself and I’d like to dedicate it to a very special person. Despite the fact that he thinks my page is (and I quote) “The worst fucking page on the internet”, I know he’s reading this. I can see him all over my site meter and I can smell his virgin butt-pussy from here. So, here’s to you, my faithful detractor who just can’t stop reading my shit… I know you're just gagging for a m Read more:Cartoons
Welcome To The Neighbourhood (Old Man Gets Tons Of Pussy) 2007-10-06 07:07:00 Let me ‘axe’ you this, dear reader. When you clicked on my page, did you see a sign above my head that read “Ask me where to score skunky buds?” Do I look the like the nigga with the hook-up? I can barely leave the house these days without a greasy hippie, boy-racer or wannabe G-Banger approaching me to ask “Hey, bro! You know where I can score some stinky buds, ow?” Unusual as it may sound, I’m thinking it might be something to do with my eyelids. If you look closely at a photo of my ugly mug, you might notice that my eyelids droop and sag worse than Anna-Nicole’s piss-flaps (pre or post-mortem, take your pick… it doesn’t make too much difference). The medication I’m on makes me pretty photosensitive too, so I’ve usually got ‘em dangling limply at half-mast. You might be able to tell just by looking at my photo that light is not my friend. Also, there are a lot of ugly motherfuckers out there that I’d rather not look directly at, lest I turn to stone Read more:Neighbourhood
, Old Man
, Welcome
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