Owner: Handbook for the Hellbound URL:http://hellboundsmoker.blogspot.com Join Date: Tue, 02 Oct 2007 08:20:47 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: All the filth and fury that's fit to print, and then some. Not for the faint of heart, feeble of bladder or slow of wit. Site statistics:Click here
Lifestyles Of The Rich And Shameless 2007-10-02 07:26:00 I love rich people! Not just because they’re better than you or I (which they are, in every way), but because they’re also a constant source of amusement. For instance, would you like to purchase a blank piece of paper for $5000? No? What if I told you that it was a painting of a polar bear in a snowstorm? Deal! While you’re viewing your new acquisition, can I interest you in some raw eggs, scraped from a fish’s cunt? No? Well, what if I put those eggs in a tin, gave them a fancy, ooh-la-la French name and charged fifty bucks? Merci! You might be a little parched with a stomach-full of eggs scraped from a trout’s vagina. Can I interest you in a glass of expired grape run-off, crushed between the fat, hairy toes of a scruffy European peasant? No, monsieur? How about if I tip it into a bottle, slap on a label with a date and waffle on about how 1992 was an awesome year for grapes? Oui oui! That’s right. Rich people will buy anything (and I mean anything), as long as it has Read more:Lifestyles
, Shameless
Jon Yells At Old Man, Feels Juice Rush Back To His Testicles 2007-10-01 03:09:00 "What is the best thing in life?""To see your enemies crushed and driven before you, and to sniff the nervous trickle of diarrhea as it drips from their saggy, wrinkled ass-crack."Goddamn, what a rush! If I had a little money in my wallet, I’d go out and get laid, but I’m broke, so I’ll do the next best thing. I’ll smoke a cigarette, rub my testicles in a counter-clockwise fashion and knock out another shit-hot entry! You’re probably wondering why I’m in such a good mood? Let me clue you up, dear reader. Just today, I fulfilled one of my life-long dreams. I yelled at an old man, and it felt great. Believe it or not, there’s actually a story behind this one. About three times a week, I take my Mother’s dogs (two very cuddly and mischievous Tibetan Spaniels) for a walk down by the river. As a life-long dog-lover and (generally) law-abiding citizen, I walk them on a lead. Not just because it’s the law, but because I actually give a shit about the welfare of my dogs. Read more:Feels
, Juice
, Testicles
, Old Man
This Entry (Much Like Those Preceding And Following It) Is Not Safe For Work! 2007-09-25 23:53:00 Ever have one of those days where you just can’t put a foot right? Any way you step, you’re always three inches over the line? You’re always doing something wrong or unintentionally pissing somebody off? I call those days “Weekdays”. I used to blame myself, but upon reflection I now realize it’s everybody else’s fault for being so fucking nit-picky, short-fused and tightly-wound. Methinks some of you piss and moan too much. Seriously, it wouldn’t kill some you motherfuckers to take a deep breath, mellow out and put a drop of lavender in your bubble-bath! In case you missed the memo going around the office, Handbook for the Hellbound is NOT SAFE FOR WORK! In fact, not only is it not safe for your cubicle, it’s been pronounced ‘Unfit For Public Consumption’ by no less a panel of experts than my homies. If you’re reading this at the office, naughty naughty! In a complete about-face (guaranteed to alienate what little audience I have left after the last couple of Read more:Entry
, Following
Hooray For Bullies! 2007-09-25 00:37:00 A lot of people (okay, maybe just one or two) say to me “Jon, you’re a funny motherfucker! How can I be as funny as you?” Short answer: you can’t. I run this shit! I’m the big dick in this glory-hole. Hard to believe as it may be, I wasn’t always this side-splittingly hilarious. It’s an interesting story, involving yours truly seeking out the lost jock-strap of the late, great Richard Pryor, free-basing his grotty, caked-up skid-marks, inhaling the fumes and thereby imbibing his comic essence. In fact, it was made into a movie a few years ago. In a questionable casting decision, Pauly Shore was chosen to play me. It received harsh reviews in most publications and was only given a limited theatre run, so you probably didn’t see it. Don’t bother looking for it at your local video store either. At the behest of Mr. Pryor’s estate, the studio decided not to license the movie for video, DVD or YouTube. If you haven’t seen it, you probably never will. Sucks to be yo
New Zealand Girls: Too Ugly To Fuck? The Jury Is Out! 2007-09-23 03:32:00 Colour me disappointed! While I was all pumped and totally psyched-up to appear in court for Jury Duty tomorrow, the ‘man’ decided to pull the plug on my case. Although most people who get summoned try to wiggle out of it by making lame excuses about being prejudiced against Niggers, Jews, Gooks, Crackers, Breeders and South-paws (especially South-paws!), I was actually looking forward to it. It’s not every day you get a chance to sentence a hapless schmoe to homosexual slavery and buggery before breakfast in Cellblock D, whether he’s guilty or not. Shit, that’s none of my concern. Frankly, I hope they impale the bastard ass-to-mouth (one way or the other), especially if he’s innocent! Times like these I’m glad I’m not an actor. Actors in New Zealand
have something very similar to Jury Duty... Shortland Street. If you live in a country where Shortland Street isn’t broadcast, consider yourself very fortunate. No matter how shit of an actor you are (sometimes you get Read more:Girls
, New Zealand
HFTH Special: The Bum's Gospel 2007-09-20 03:27:00 Editing my entire back catalogue was the best and the worst thing I’ve ever done. It’s something I’d recommend to any writer. I don’t care who you are, your shit can always be improved. In the process of editing, I learned a lot of shit-hot writing tips, such as to never start a sentence with the word ‘and’. And never to start a sentence with the word ‘but’. But there are exceptions to every rule. And you’ll probably find many flagrant violations of this rule in my catalogue. Of the 130 entries I started with, I’m down to a final 87. Sure, I was a little butt-hurt to delete some of them, but they just didn’t hold up over time. Don’t get me wrong. I still think Allison DuBois is an evil fucking witch who deserves to be burned at stake, but perhaps my “Who Wants To Gang-Rape Allison DuBois?” entry was pushing it just a little. In summary, my back catalogue has been shaved cleaner than Sylvia Saint’s sagging, cavernous pussy. However, it was a lot of effo Read more:Special
, Gospel
Give 'Til It Tickles More Than It Hurts 2007-09-13 21:52:00 “Is this what my life has come to?”It’s a question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately, with one thing and another. Take yesterday morning, for instance. There I was, standing up in the shower, dripping wet from head to toe. Having given my ass-crack a thorough scrubbing, I began gently massaging my glistening, exposed helmet with a fist-full of soapy water to wash away the crusty head-cheese. As my fingers stroked up and down the curve, I thought to myself “You know what? This tickles more than it hurts!”Ten seconds later, I’m down on my hands and knees as the warm water pelts me in the eyes. With one hand around the base of my throbbing cock and the other rubbing soapy water across the head, I closed my eyes, bit down on my lip and struggled to remember what she looked like… the curvy, leggy, short-skirted charity collector I ran into outside Pak-N-Save the other day after doing my grocery shopping. A vague image – which may or may not be that of a real woman – f
Fall In Love With Me All Over Again! 2007-09-11 06:16:00 I've got something of a confession to make up in this bitch. You may or may not be aware of this, but damn near everything I've ever written here is a first draft. Although I've been meaning to do more of it, very rarely do I go back and edit something I've written (unless I've fucked it up monumentally.) To cut a long story short, I've decided that not only will all future material be edited, I'm going to go back through my archives and give my back catalogue a bit of a spit-polish.Don't think of it as too much like the Megadeth remasters, where Dave Mustaine remastered/ruined his classic albums and shat all over classic songs like Five Magics and Good Mourning/Black Friday. Think of it more like Anthrax's The Greater Of Two Evils, where they took the old Neil Turbin/Joey Belladonna shit, tightened it up, improved the production and had John Bush stomp a mudhole in the ass of their back catalog.So, with out further ado, here's the first of my 'remasters,' from way back whe Read more:Again
I've Got Your Blue-Balls Right Here!!! 2007-09-10 03:20:00 Not only does this entry contain absolutely no new material, but I've just finished deleting a big chunk of my old material! Try to guess which entries... I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. If you're wondering why in the hell I'd do such a thing, it's because the entries I took the axe to (a) didn't really hold up over time, (b) were written while I was drunk, sleep-deprived or suffering the after-effects of drinking a whole bottle of Toilet Duck, or (c) weren't that good in hindsight. And we all know that hindsight is 20/20, or some shit.Hell, if Corrosion Of Conformity can ignore their first three albums (another album like Blind would have been nice, but what can you do, if you're unwilling to resort to rectal hot-poker torture?) and just play the stuff from Deliverance onwards, I feel like I can stand to cut off a little dead weight. And speaking of which, I had an appointment with my doctor today. He told me I had to lose ten pounds right away, so I told him "Forget y Read more:Balls
, Right
This Is Not An Entry About The All Blacks 2007-09-08 06:07:00 A wise man once said "Some days you're eating steak, some days you're eating shit." I’ve a feeling that wise man was Henry Rollins, but I also have a feeling that the rim-job smile I've been sporting lately speaks volumes about my diet. Speaking of my diet, let me preface this entry by saying that the absolute worst thing about having a drunken degenerate gambler for a brother is not the fact that he's a drunkard, a degenerate or a compulsive gambler. It's the fact that whenever he does something really stupid or irresponsible, he'll try to deflect some of the fallout onto you. The conversation with my mother goes a little something like this..."Roy (as that's my brother's name)! I can't believe you blew all your weekly wages in a drunken stupor on those damn pokie machines!""Oh yeah? Well, well... Uh... Jon fries all his foods with butter! Remember that genetic cholesterol condition he's got, Mum? Let's talk about Jon and his butter addiction for a while (thus deflecting Read more:Entry
, Blacks
HFTH Special: Go Ape-Shit For The Mysteries Of The Universe 2007-09-06 06:49:00 Surprised to see me again so soon? I wouldn't be. It's midnight and there's nothing good on television. All my homies have sold out to the 'man' and got themselves jobs, so I've got nobody to hang with. As much as I'd love a greasy-ass fat stack of pancakes, it's too late to be cooking. Scratch that. I've got Betty Crocker Punk Rocker's Instant Pancake Mix, but I just don't feel like going to the effort of adding a cup of milk to the mixture. Can't somebody else do it?Last time around, I hinted on a couple of mysteries that've been mind-fucking me lately. I'm sure the Rudius submission will sort itself out in the fullness of time, but the other two are tough nuts to crack. With nothing to do, nowhere to go-oh-whoa-oh and no sedatives, I'm going to spin them into a lackluster entry. Because that's just the kind of hack writer I am. Can you believe nobody pays me for this shit? Incidentally, if you can spot the Ramones reference I slipped oh-so-deliciously into this parag Read more:Special
, Mysteries
, Universe
Inhale... Exhale... I Just Got A Bible Verse In The Mail... 2007-09-03 07:27:00 It had to happen sooner or later. There I was, soaking up the sun on a Sunday morning, smoking a cigarette with one hand and copping a feel of my massive genitals with the other. Along comes my neighbour - let's call him "Rodney," for the sake of argument. Rodney playfully asks me "How come you're not in Church this morning?" No doubt he expected me, being the awesomely funny motherfucker I am, to come back with a delicious quip about how Jesus forgives all, including my Sunday-morning tardiness."I'm an Atheist," I replied dryly."Oh." The shit-eating grin slid off his face faster than a turd down a hydroslide. One of those. Sure, I may have been good enough to exchange small-talk with before. Now that I've dropped the "A" bomb, I'm the goddamn devil (which is a very hip thing for an Atheist to be.) Of course, in the glorified retirement home/cat farm in which I dwell, gossip spreads like wild-fire, in lieu of anything better on television.Now all the neighbours know that I'm the Read more:Exhale
Five More Girls I'd Like To Fuck, Minus Four 2007-09-03 00:26:00 Goddamnit, it's always something! Sometimes, you just wish the rest of the world would get off your dick. Aren't I doing enough with my life for you people? You'd think so, but my Mother (who doesn't know exactly what I'm writing, but disapproves of it and thinks it should be banned nonetheless) is pushing for me to take a 'Writing Course,' if only to give my shit an air of legitimacy. And although she disapproves of my writing, she thinks - many of my friends have suggested this too - that I should write a book. You know what? Fuck it. I'll do it. Like everything else in my life, it'll get done when I'm good and goddamn ready, by the process of Osmosis (not to be confused with the sub-par Ozzy Osbourne album Ozzmosis, ruined by Zakk Wylde's constant pinch harmonics) For those of you unfamiliar with Osmosis, my version works a little like this... If I want something or want to get something done, I think and talk about it endlessly, sit on my hairy ass, bitch, moan and comp Read more:Girls
, Minus
Eat My Fuck, TVNZ!!! 2007-08-31 19:20:00 Is it too much of a worn-out cliché to piss and moan about the quality of television these days? I don't think so. Shit, as far as I'm concerned, I'm the only person to ever point out that many of the programs on TV are in fact, shit, while the rest of you lowly peons have been greedily swallowing every last corn-soaked, nuggety morsel of excrement, just waiting for a messiah like yours truly to blaze the trail. Then again, I live under a fucking rock. What do I know?Like any self-respecting bum, much of my weekday (in)activity consists of flopping my hairy ass on the couch, guitar in hand while re-runs of Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy play in the background. As I'd eat a mile of Teri Hatcher's runny, gin-fueled shit to get to her sweet, MILFish ass, I can live with that. As much as I loathe and despise Reality TV, I've given up complaining about it.Sometimes it's just easier to go with the flow. I've got many shit-hot ideas for blockbuster television shows. As I'm
I Was Too Poor To Afford A Father's Day Gift, So I Wrote This Shitty Entry 2007-08-30 05:24:00 I'm beginning to see why it took me so long to move out of Mum's sleepout. Paying all your own bills licks ass. To say nothing of scrubbing your own piss-stains off the bathroom floor, but hell, at least you know they dribbled out of your cock. I've had to make a lot of sacrifices in the last week-and-a-half, all in the name of tightening my belt. The more astute of you may have noticed that I'm writing this on dial-up, as broadband was a sacrifice I had to make.I can live happily without YouTube, Google Video or being able to load all the flashy, animated shit on some dick-fuck Emo-kids' MySpace page, but what the hell am I going to do for porn?! For the moment, I've had to revert back to using my imagination. As it's been quite a while since I've felt, cupped, grabbed, squeezed or punched a real, actual breast, the image in my mind that I'm beating my cock bloody and raw to may not resemble a real, actual woman, inasmuch as it may resemble a monster from the Dungeons & D Read more:Entry
, Father
Like A Rat Out Of Hell 2007-08-28 06:58:00 "You can joke about anything, as long as it's funny." - George Carlin It's very rare that I'll drop a quote into my shit, but if I'm going to quote anybody, who better than the great George Carlin? Besides, it's pertinent to what I'm about to write. It's also very rare that I'll touch on anything 'topical' in my shit. I wrote something about Chris Benoit once (while grossly inebriated) and it fucking sucked. If you're looking for something topical, you're a long way from Candyland, nigga.Those of you outside of New Zealand might not be familiar with this story that cropped up a week ago. If you can't be arsed clicking on the link, here's the story in a nutshell: shitty, sub-par pizza company makes a billboard featuring Hitler (Adolf Hitler, of course, not to be confused with scat-porn superstar Arnold Hitler) saluting with a pizza slice, controversy ensues."Aha ha ha ha!! It's Hitler!! And he's saluting... with a pizza slice!! Aha ha ha ha!! That's hilarious!! Because
Damn All You Sexy Fat Children! 2007-08-18 22:54:00 I'd like to think that apart from the poo-poo splatter-platter of blasphemous toilet humour I usually dish up, I'm in a position to perform something of a public service from time to time, while I have your collective attention. Now, I'm not usually prone to hysteria or wild speculation, but listen carefully to what I have to tell you, as it may very well save your life and the elasticity of your child’s pancreas.Pedophiles are everywhere. Believe the hype! Look outside your window... see that guy with dark hair and jeans? Pedophile! The old guy standing behind you in the express line of the supermarket the other day? Pedophile! As you're reading this right now, there may very well be Pedophiles living next door to you, hiding in your crawl-space, linen cupboard or even hiding in your breakfast cereal! They're everywhere! In fact, you might even be a Pedophile and not know it!Fortunately, your ol' buddy Jon is here to the rescue. I've put my thinking cap on, analyzed the data, Read more:Children
Pray For Brazilian Pancakes With A Side Of Black Pepper 2007-08-17 03:31:00 I remember something my Mum always told me (and still tells me to this day) when she was confronted with my distinctive, low-brow (and might I add, fucking Pulitzer-worthy) brand of toilet humour... "Ladies don't appreciate that sort of disgusting filth!" According to dear old Mum, the mere mention of a four-letter word or the faintest suggestion of acts such as clit-wanking, turkey-slapping or the Brazilian
Pancake* would be enough to give any member of the 'fairer' sex a cardiac arrest, a cerebral hemorrhage and a fatal constriction of the turd-cutter all at once.Yeah? Well fuck you, Mum! Have I got news for you! Besides my homies and fellow Atheist pundit Godless Kiwi (who I secretly hope is a short, dorky-looking chick with dark hair and a cruel, sarcastic sense of humour, yet suspect has a bigger dick than I do,) most of the people who read my shit are females. Females of the opposite gender, no less. Not to be confused with females of the same gender, like Buck Angel - the man Read more:Pancakes
, Black
, Pepper
, Black Pepper
Render Unto Caesar What Caeser (In This Case, Me) Demands 2007-08-16 07:13:00 Moderation is the key to everything. Masturbating with a fist-full of Vaseline is great every once in a while, on a special occasion such as your birthday, daylight savings or when you've just downloaded Ass Academy II: Fuck My Hungry Bum. That said, if you do it all the time (like I've been doing lately,) you'll never want to stroke off the 'regular' way again.If you can't afford Vaseline, Motor Oil is an excellent substitute for a smooth, frictionless tug. Once the tub of Vaseline my homie Rob gave me for my birthday runs out, I'm going to be one itchy little fist-fucker. It'll take a while to re-acclimatize myself to the dry, sandpapery feeling of my bare, hairy hands scraping mercilessly against the throbbing shaft of my thick, uncircumcised cock.As I'm broke (translation: I don't really fancy paying for a legitimate copy) I'm in the process of downloading Civilization IV. I love all those empire-building/strategy type games. They always make me think about how much bett Read more:Render
, Caesar
Keepin' It In The Family 2007-08-14 04:23:00 Dear Reader (this means you), I've been one lazy nigga lately, with one thing and another. Let me make it up to you by reading to you from my inbox. If you've been reading for any length of time, you'll know how I feel about the New Zealand Comedian's Guild, of which I am, unfortunately, a member. I haven't been shy about the fact that I have no love for those ass-clowns. With the exception of the hilarious and earmuff-worthy-thigh-having T.M. Bishop, of course. T.M., I'm going to chili-dog* you one of these days, girl. Don't fight that shit. Just let it happen.Just when I thought I'd put those unionized hacks out of my mind, I found this in my e-mail inbox... -----/-----/----- Hello fellow comedians, I'm just writing to let you know that I am producing a new comedy show at the Classic Studio once a month. It is called "the Clean Comedy Show" and will appeal to a different target market than the Classic and other comedy gigs. I am hoping to draw people interested in se Read more:Keepin
, Family
Ante Up, Bitches... It's My Birthday! Well, Sort Of... 2007-08-10 21:35:00 As an Atheist, you know who I really, really hate? That's right... other Atheists! Fuck them! Fuck 'em right in the corn-hole 'til they scream 'Sweet Jesus!' and bleed seven shades of red death! Trust me... I‘m going somewhere with this. Although they may be immune to lightning bolts and pwnage from the invisible man in the clouds, they are not immune to carrying the asshole gene. That's right, folks. Atheists are people too. People are often rude, boorish, inarticulate, thoughtless, short-fused and willfully ignorant. Call me a Sociopath (please do, as it sounds much friendlier than 'Psychopath'), but I don't care for people much. Although some of you may discriminate, I sure as shit don't. Nobody gets a free pass. There are many Atheists I'd happily push face-first into a belt-sander... not because they're Atheists, but because they're assholes.Anyway, I suppose two paragraphs is enough. Time to say something nice about my 'side,' if you will. Christian girls give l Read more:Bitches
, Birthday
You Just Can't Make This Shit Up 2007-08-10 03:17:00 What the fuck is wrong with some of you people? Although I'm grateful for everybody that reads my shit, I've got a special knack for drawing the freaks, faggots, junkies and drunks like a priest to a pre-school. Sometimes it tickles me to no end to see what some of you sick fucks were looking for when you stumbled across my page. The following are some of the more amusing Google searches that have lead y'all to Handbook for the Hellbound, so here come the highlights...tony robbins donkey punch - I have to admit this would make a great cartoon! You might have had something else in mind, but in my scenario, Tony Robbins would be the punchee, rather than the puncher. Thanks for the killer suggestion and expect to see this cartoon very soon!grannies jacking off - I'm not going to tell you what's wrong with this one. If you can't nut out the basic anatomical problems here, I really can't help you. I'm not sure whether you were looking for (a) old men jacking off, (b) grannies jillin
Is Your Dog Going To Hell? 2007-08-09 07:16:00 Who the hell am I kidding? Every time I write an "I probably won't write anything for a while" entry, I usually crack within three hours. So, here I am. And here you are. Aside from all the shit I've got to nut out in the near future, there's a whole bunch of other shit that keeps me awake at night. Usually, as I lie half-awake on my piss-and-vomit-stained mattress, my aching nuts having long been emptied, my mind is overloaded with ridiculous hypothetical scenarios and fruitless speculation. For instance, in exchange for a portion of his godly powers, would I - as a card-carrying vanilla heterosexual - let Rob Halford smash me in the bum? Would he give me a Painkiller before he Rammed It Down my Point Of Entry, or would he just go in All Guns Blazing? I'm pretty sure that (being the Metal God) if Rob Halford wanted to pack his massive tool up anybody's ass, he could do a hell of a lot better than me. In the cold light of day, it's really not worth considering. At the risk of bl Read more:Going
Although My Page May Look Like That Of Maddox, I Myself Am NOT Maddox And It Hurts My Feelings When You Draw The Parallel 2007-08-09 03:55:00 Just a quick heads-up... I'm probably not going to be writing much (if anything) until (a) I get my shit sorted with my new place, (b) get a decent night's sleep, (c) eat something with bacon in it and (d) manage to jam a ballpoint pen more than two inches down the shaft of my urethra. Then again, this is the kind of shit I always say before I write something else, so maybe I'm just using a little reverse psychology here. But just in case I'm not, you're going to have to go somewhere else for entertainment......Which is where these guys come in. I was only going to give them a cursory mention, but I think they're so fucking awesome that they deserve a full-on plug. Straight out of Australia - where else? - I give you the band with the greatest name (and the greatest promo pics) ever known to man. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...FILTHY MAGGOTY CUNTAnd you can find them here. These guys - Sister Fister (Vocals/Guitar/Trannie), Cocksmoking Crackwhore (Bass/Vocals/Menstruation), C Read more:Although
, Maddox
, Feelings
, Parallel
Nutty Shit Scrapings And Diarrhea Of The Brain 2007-08-07 05:31:00 I'm not trying to pick on you Yanks, but there's some shit y'all need to sort out. Of course, I'm talking to the tourists and keyboard commandos who hover like vultures over message boards and YouTube comment spaces. As somebody who's never been to George W.'s magic kingdom, the amount of times I've heard a disgusting, loudmouthed gastropod chant the mantra "We saved your ass in World War II!" is mind-boggling.Hold on a minute there, cowboy... we? What's with this ‘we’ shit? Again, I'm not talking to all you guys, but I firmly believe there are Americans and there are Yanks (much like Chris Rock's infamous "Niggers vs. Black People" rant)... I'm talking to you Yanks. What is it with you guys trying to claim personal involvement in the actions of your Government or Military? Let's look at your bare-assed claim again, shall we?On top of the fact that you desperately need to un-wedge your head from your ass, read a fucking history book and give Churchill and Stalin (repreh Read more:Nutty
, Brain
At The Heart Of Every Plagiarist Lies A Whiny Teenage Virgin 2007-10-12 22:09:00 Believe it or not, dear reader, I’m not a man to revel in conflict. Sure, I may have called out a few shitty, talentless writers in my time, but I’ve had my fun and I’m content to let sleeping dogs lie. However, the one thing I will not abide is plagiarism. An anonymous tipster (who’ll remain that way) alerted me to this particular entry written by our old friend Scott “call me Kobra, because it makes me sound more bad-ass than I really am!” Arciszewski on the second of September. Notice – if you will – that our boy Scott has decided to have a rummage through the Google Search referrals to his page and offer up a pithy comment to each one in response. Here’s a few steamy, shit-hot nuggets of his alleged wit for your consumption… are you a loser if you're a virgin - If you have to ask, you are.easy ways to kill someone - It's called "Stop being a pussy."girl who reads romance and masturbates - Bah! Romance isn't sexually stimulating, you clod! The Read more:Heart
, Virgin
Send In The Clones (Biotech Is Jonzilla) 2007-10-09 07:04:00 How awesome would it be to have a clone? You might be tempted to think that I’d get a little more writing done if I had one, but if anything, I’d probably be writing less. Hell, I’m pretty hard-up for good conversation around these parts (what with neighbours obsessed with kicking and rapping, stealing medication from the Elderly and rooting their cats), so chances are I’d spend most of my time getting drunk and watching re-runs of King of the Hill with my clone. Sure, it’d be fun for the first few days, until the money and the beer ran out. I’m a thirsty motherfucker at the best of times, so I’d imagine my clone (Jon 2.0) would be doubly so. Sooner or later, we’d be bound to get into a fight about something and quite frankly, I’m so out of shape that I’m not sure if I could kick my own ass, should the need arise. One good nipple-cripple and I’d be a dead man. Cloning also raises another issue (and I’d imagine you saw this one coming a mile away)… if you ha Read more:Clones
You Want Cartoons? Shove THIS Up Your Shit-Pipe!! 2007-10-08 07:33:00 All right, all right… I can take a hint. At the risk of a full-blown mutiny and having my subscribers drop off like flies (which they tend to do on a cyclical basis anyway, whenever I write something really disgusting, but hey... fuck them if they can't take a joke!), I’m going to cave into what very well may be overwhelming demand. Believe it or not, I did have a kick-ass idea for a cartoon last entry. Unfortunately, it didn’t quite pan out, so I had to run it sans cartoon. But let me make it up to you with this piece of shit I cobbled together a few hours ago. I think it speaks for itself and I’d like to dedicate it to a very special person. Despite the fact that he thinks my page is (and I quote) “The worst fucking page on the internet”, I know he’s reading this. I can see him all over my site meter and I can smell his virgin butt-pussy from here. So, here’s to you, my faithful detractor who just can’t stop reading my shit… I know you're just gagging for a m Read more:Cartoons
Holidays Are Over... Back To School, You Obnoxious Little Cunts! 2007-10-07 19:24:00 Aren’t you glad that the school holidays are over? For a Bum like me, it means no longer enduring the audio-visual knitting-needle up the dick that was the shitty, mid-day “School
Holiday” movies, many of which featured the Olsen Twins. From here on, it’s re-runs of Desperate Housewives and The Drew Carey Show… the good shit! Oh, Mr. Carey… how I’ve missed your self-depreciating, bucolic, blue-collar humour! As an aside, I’ll have a lot more breathing room while I’m running errands at the mall. For the last two weeks, I couldn’t swing a dead kid without knocking over a few live ones, and it was too much for one man to bear. The worst thing about all that sweet, succulent, jiggling boy-flesh on display was not being able to grab a fistful, thanks to the constant Parental Firewall™. Of course, I’m just kidding. New Zealand children are much too ugly and fat to grope. However, they’ve got a little too much money these days, so I might think about robbing t Read more:Holidays
Welcome To The Neighbourhood (Old Man Gets Tons Of Pussy) 2007-10-06 07:07:00 Let me ‘axe’ you this, dear reader. When you clicked on my page, did you see a sign above my head that read “Ask me where to score skunky buds?” Do I look the like the nigga with the hook-up? I can barely leave the house these days without a greasy hippie, boy-racer or wannabe G-Banger approaching me to ask “Hey, bro! You know where I can score some stinky buds, ow?” Unusual as it may sound, I’m thinking it might be something to do with my eyelids. If you look closely at a photo of my ugly mug, you might notice that my eyelids droop and sag worse than Anna-Nicole’s piss-flaps (pre or post-mortem, take your pick… it doesn’t make too much difference). The medication I’m on makes me pretty photosensitive too, so I’ve usually got ‘em dangling limply at half-mast. You might be able to tell just by looking at my photo that light is not my friend. Also, there are a lot of ugly motherfuckers out there that I’d rather not look directly at, lest I turn to stone Read more:Welcome
, Neighbourhood
, Old Man
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