Owner: Journey Mama URL:http://www.journeymama.com Join Date: Tue, 18 Sep 2007 18:23:11 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: My life cultivating joy and creativity with my husband, kids, and community. And laughing at myself. Like a hyena. Site statistics:Click here
When you go to West Africa 2007-12-06 18:59:14
You may find yourself in a small village market far away from any evidence of the twenty-first century. You might take photographs of women more beautiful than any you have ever seen, women who have never before seen a photograph of themselves. You will bless your digital camera again and again, because you will witness the disbelief and hilarity of women who find an image of themselves for the first time. They may grab you, grab their friends, laugh uproariously, direct you to the next person to photograph.
You may find yourself feeling completely, purely happy.
You will be invited into every village with hospitality that exceeds all limits. Your hosts will look for something for all the people from your carload to sit on- in the shade you will simply sit, and, not understanding the language, you will listen to the customary blessings with a smile on your face, because everyone understands the rhythm of speech, and everyone understands kindness.
You will see many, many, many chil Read more:Africa
Self-portrait with oak tree 2007-12-18 15:32:14
Self-portrait with oak tree, originally uploaded by journeymama.
That was a little raw. Sorry.
A lot is hitting me, now. And I feel like maybe hiding is the only option, but I have forgotten how to hide, I think. I tend to just wander around my house, instead. It’s good that we don’t have a T.V. I think it would be too much of a temptation, right now. You may never see me again.
You already know that my grandmother is sick. I want to go back to the center of my childhood, where Grandma wasn’t sick, where she was formidable and fiercely loving. I want to go back to my wedding, where she shook a finger at Chinua and said, “You are getting someone very PRECIOUS to us,” and he took a step back, because you don’t mess with that. But time doesn’t go backwards. Somehow we will go forward.
The Land closes in Escrow this week. Many people, most of whom are not necessarily directly involved, are not happy about the people who are buyi
Hard truths 2007-12-18 11:05:00 Sometimes people you love get sick and don’t seem to get better.
Please please please please please please please please please please please please
Everything you work for erupts underneath your feet
I didn’t mean to I didn’t mean to I didn’t mean to I didn’t mean to I didn’t mean to
You leave your beloved home- you have to say goodbye
I loved you I loved you I loved you I loved you I loved you I loved you I loved you
You reach out for support and find anger. You will never make it. You will never be enough. You have a fatal flaw.
I am done I am done I am done I am done I am done I am done I am done I am done
Things will never be like they were. You need to close that door.
I am sorry.
Interpretation 2007-12-15 11:28:58
Boys lifting a friend, originally uploaded by journeymama.
It’s strange how sometimes all we know of an entire continent is what is given to us by the news media.
We only hear of war, atrocities, tragedy, famine, and epidemic disease. Where are the people in all of this? Are they lost? Do we understand that they have stories?
***
We were driving in the Land Cruiser, packed in cozily with that same red dust working its way into our eyebrows and our teeth. The 4×4, or quat-quat, as they say in Burkina Faso, was being given its exercise, helping us travel along roads as pocked as the surface of the moon.
Through the roar of the air outside and the laughter of the people inside, we talked.
All we have is our feeling, he told me.
Your feeling? I asked.
When we see a poor man, we think- that could be me, he said. Or if it is a rich man, we know that maybe next year we will be in his place. Everyone can put himself in the place of his brother. It is why we help each oth
Kinship 2007-12-12 10:00:47 Do you know when you have those days? I was having one yesterday. Things were falling off shelves all around me, I almost started sucking my thumb, I felt self-conscious and insecure with a ferocity that was sickening and pitiable. These days have not been totally infrequent lately, in adjusting to this new life, outside of the strong gravity of the Land, the structure of my days there.
Actually, because of my fairly major problems with anxiety, these days have not been totally infrequent during the course of my life, but that’s beside the point.
Anyways, a day like this. And do you know how, when you attempt to talk to your husband about how you’re feeling, and you’re all- Please tell me I’m not crazy- he looks at you like he’s wondering which boulder you overturned to crawl out from the bowels of the earth and pretty much says- No, you really are crazy?
(This is not to put down the absolute caring and overwhelming love of your husband, who would stand
Home, now. 2007-12-10 21:33:20
Complete with urchins.
So, how far along ARE you? 2007-12-23 09:32:54 In answer to your questions… I have no flipping clue. How far along
I am, that is. Which is a result of my poor memory and lack of cycle recording skills. I found myself looking through my planner, thinking, Thanksgiving… someone had cramps on Thanksgiving… nope, that wasn’t me… I think it was before then…
If I had to guess, I’d say that I’m probably six weeks along. But it could be five. Oh, I really have no idea.
As for my expanding belly, let’s just say that with Kid-A, it took four months before you could even tell that I was pregnant. But with YaYa? I was hounding the doctor at six weeks because I was SURE. I was SURE that I was having twins. But no. There was just one little baby acting as a placeholder in my belly. And then with Leafy the same thing happened. Also I gain more weight every pregnancy. Also I weigh more pre-pregnancy this time than after I had Leafy. I attribute some of it to my
I flit through topics like a bird 2007-12-22 10:48:21 Does anybody else ever feel tempted to go and buy more pregnancy tests, after you discover you are pregnant, just to have the thrill of seeing that little line magically show up? Or is that just me?
***
Things I still have:
Pregnancy vitamins
About four pounds of pregnancy tea, made of Alfalfa, Oatstraw, Nettles, and Raspberry Leaf. I can’t extoll the benefits of this tea enough, however, it takes like food for horses.
Things I don’t have anymore:
Maternity clothes
***
I am so big already. None of my pants fit. I can’t believe that I went from wondering vaguely if there was something weird going on, a few days ago, to undoing the button on my pants repeatedly, only to do it back up when they fall down when I stand up, now. I look pregnant. There’s no other word for it. I think I may have been in a strong form of denial, assuming there were other reasons for every symptom I had.
***
This seems like perfect timing. I think that if I had discovered that Read more:topics
What we need. 2007-12-21 10:00:15 I think we all could use some Christmasy darlingness.
Like this. Awwwwww…
Or how about some hilarity? You know you want to laugh like this:
Pure delight.
Or perhaps we need a little pyjama princess action.
If you look closely you can see the tear that just fell because she didn’t want to be in a group photo, the tear that came leaping out of her eye right before her daddy started to make a stuffed dog talk and dance, driving those tears away and bringing the giggles back.
And I think we may need some adorability in a concentrated form.
Okay. Now I can deal with extreme heaviness and acid reflux again.
Indian Baby 2007-12-20 13:35:26 Okay, I’ll stop being so cryptic.
You’re all very smart. Even without being able to see my eyes. And I’m all ???? too.
But there were so many points along the way that I probably should have figured it out.
Like when the women at the airport in Burkina Faso said to me, “You are pregnant?” and when I shook my head and acted a little offended they craned their necks to see my belly better and discussed it amongst themselves, obviously not believing. I mean, I know I need to work on my belly a little, but jeez.
Or then, crying when I was to the head guy of the project I’m working on.
Crying when I was talking to my employer on the phone.
Crying when I bumped our van tire into the curb.
Crying in Burkina Faso when I felt like I was lost on a long road of translation errors.
Or the fact that my belly just kept expanding. Or meeting another old friend who happens to be a nurse at my friend’s party and becoming offended because he asked me if
Honey, can we talk? 2007-12-20 10:25:06 Of course we can talk.
Good.
Wha-why are you acting so strange?
Just look into my eyes and try to read my mind.
(Significant Pause)
NO WAY!
Yes way.
WHATTTT??!
I know.
But HOW?
Damned if I know.*
But we-
I know.
Are you SERIOUS?
Totally serious.
When?
This morning.
Whoa.
(Hugging and Kissing and Staring in Disbelief.)
You’re pretty good at reading my mind!
***
(*Excuse my language- but seriously, I’m flabbergasted!)
Beautiful Things 2007-12-19 19:12:40
Rose, originally uploaded by journeymama.
(Having written the crud out of my system and having been deeply encouraged by your response, and having gained some insight into my emotional state, I say: It’s done. It’s finished! I will give no more energy to this! It’s time for life!)
There are ten thousand beautiful things surrounding me, visible and invisible– I shuffle along in their midst, the days trickle in and out with a cloud of joy, children are always laughing around me.
The joy of service, the service of love, the fact that love can cover and comfort and remove those black marks that end up covering our bright blue skies.
Christmas, the lights, the making of gifts and cards and my children are writing books and I am free. There is love, there is wonder, there is love. I can’t say enough about it, it is the kind that will welcome us home. Birth, rebirth, the shooting star wonder of Life entering the world– we turn our heads with Read more:Beautiful
Reflux, Shmeflux 2008-03-10 17:18:23 Kid A, with his face pressed against my belly.
“Hi Muffin.
I’m your big brother.
I love you.” Read more:Reflux
Those long evenings 2008-03-09 21:31:28 Did anyone else get dinner ready really late because they were halfway into a project at what felt like the middle of the afternoon, only to look up and see that it was 5:30 already, yikes!?
Me too.
Now comes my favorite part of the year. I love to be up when the sun is up, [...]
Cletus Take the Reel 2008-03-08 09:53:56 I’m here to confirm that the rumor is true. And I think I’ve finally found a name and a domain, which held us up like nothing else could. I am so completely tickled that Chinua is going to be blogging. Because he’s crazy. And awesome. And silly. And deep. [...]
How to clean out your fridge 2008-03-07 11:16:01 I never did follow up much on my food troubles. The advice my dear friendly commenters gave me encouraged me, partly because I realized that figuring out what to make for dinner is not some magic potion that I don’t know the ingredients to. It’s just one part planning, one part your family’s [...]
Through the grapevine 2008-03-06 21:11:45 I heard a rumor that Chinua (otherwise known as my Superstar Husband) and I are starting a blog together, about the experience of moving to India with our family….
Do you think it might be true?
Dear Leafy 2008-03-04 20:46:25 .flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }
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the joint, originally uploaded by chinua000.
You are in such big trouble, kid.
At this very moment your poor, hardworking dad is REMOVING THE TOILET FROM THE BATHROOM with our plumber friend, because a certain someone who [...]
Lying on the floor, I come undone… 2008-03-03 19:18:23 You know that kind of weariness when you are emotionally cracked and leaking, physically exhausted, and your brain doesn’t work even enough for you to figure out what to make for dinner?
That’s the kind of weary I am. Yesterday was the service for our friend. It was beautiful and terrible. I am in the [...] Read more:Lying
The something 2008-03-01 23:05:31 There is something
that happens. It makes it possible to keep for hurt people to get up in the morning.
The something is a rallying, as to a long, high-pitched call from a mountain-top. Clusters of people circle around. They touch one another. Forehead to forehead, cheek to shoulder, hands gently rubbing in between one another’s [...]
A little 2008-02-28 19:55:06 In the interest of care and privacy, I don’t want to write too much, but so that you know how to pray, how to care, I will say this.
Yesterday a tragic loss was suffered by our dear friends; the loss of a life– of a son, a brother, an uncle. The grief is immense [...] Read more:little
Pray, pray, pray 2008-02-27 23:56:57 Some of our dearest friends suffered unspeakable loss today. Please pray for the everlasting arms around them. Pray for rest, and sleep, and peace.
Spanish Eyes (Sleepy Ones) 2008-03-12 22:46:59 I have a new post on Burkina Faso up at LJUrban. And I haven’t been making it known here everytime I post, so you can see the archives here if you’ve missed some.
Can I just say that I have scrambled eggs in my head instead of brains? Packing scramble. Today I waved [...] Read more:Spanish
, Sleepy
Things I don’t know 2008-03-12 11:46:32 I don’t know what it is like to love a child who has grown up.
I don’t know what it is like to lose something that I treasure above all other things.
I don’t know what it is like to be the remaining spouse.
I don’t know how to grow old.
I don’t know how tall my children will [...]
Looking again 2008-03-13 22:48:50 I need to find myself for a few days. My well is dry. I’m not sure of who I am, really, in all this muddle. In the blog world. In the writing world. I think I’ve just dried up, which could be expected, I guess, after day after day spent in the house packing.
I’ll be [...]
Monday night 2008-03-17 23:24:57 I had an interesting weekend. I was able to get together with some friends, right before developing a sickness that caused extreme crankiness as well as the sensation that a large person is sitting on my head.
But I mused this weekend, as much as any woman with three young children with colds can muse. I [...] Read more:Monday
Thursday, or the day that I need to get so so much work done! 2008-03-20 11:05:49 I have a new post up at LJUrban. You can find it here.
And an update on our friend- he is in line for a liver transplant that he needs to receive pronto! Please continue to pray. Read more:Thursday
Mail that needs a signature 2008-03-19 01:32:53 I didn’t sleep too well last night, worrying about a friend. This morning I found out he was safe, which was a huge relief. I’m sure you’ve felt something like this before. I can’t tell my brain to stop it at night, when it’s moving so swiftly, and even when I managed [...]
Another request 2008-03-18 23:46:31 I heard this evening that a friend of ours is in a coma in the hospital.
Please pray for him, he has a beautiful family who need him to be up and well. We all love him. Please pray for him and his family.
Wandery thoughts on Holy Saturday 2008-03-22 11:23:38 The quote is from The Royal Tenenbaums, by Raleigh (Bill Murray’s character), about Dudley. It’s one of my favorite bits of the movie. Raleigh, the psychologist, is listing Dudley’s symptoms into a voice recorder in a very soft voice, stating that he’s colorblind, blah blah blah, and he has a highly acute sense [...] Read more:thoughts
, Saturday
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