Owner: Bipolarchick.net: Reflections of a Crazy Life URL:http://blog.bipolarchick.net Join Date: Sat, 15 Sep 2007 23:03:14 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Young woman blogging about her life, being bipolar, self-injury, recovery, triggers, fear, failure, past abuse, relationships, dating, sexcapades, current struggles & other issues, as well as advocating for others diagnosed with mental illness. Site statistics:Click here
10 Tips For Repairing Damaged Relationships 2007-09-15 17:35:12 The key thing to remember is that the relationships have been damaged by the effects of your illness. It is not YOU and it is not your fault. These things happen, then we deal with them and move on. Today I’ll show you how to move on.
1. It takes time-repairing a damaged relationship takes time. You have to commit yourself to doing what it takes to get the relationship back on track. If you experience resistance at first, be patient but tenacious. Make the person know you are committed to doing what it takes to move your relationship back to a healthy level.
2. Encourage the person the share his/her feelings with you-this can be a painful part of the process. Sometimes during the highs of mania we say and do things that are just plain outrageous and sometimes we don’t even remember doing them. Depression can pull us away from those that are closest to us. Really listen to their concerns.
3. Don’t get defensive-during the listening phase you may feel under attack or the Read more:Relationships
Madness 2007-09-15 04:17:56 Madness gripping my Mind;
Reality fading in and out;
Sanity gradually slipping away;
Woeful and tortured plight.
I've fought for years,
I'm losing ground.
I’m so tired -
One last fight -
-Victory- or -Death-
That is the point
Where I find myself–
Tonight. Read more:Madness
What It's Like to Have a Mood Disorder 2007-09-14 04:30:54 Stop.
Stand still for a minute and look deep within.
See.
Envision yourself in your mind's eye.
When you have a firm visual memory -
Observe.
Play through a normal day, week, month, and year –
What happens?
Watch how you behave.
Contemplate.
What was it like?
Was stability present?
Was your behavior consistent?
Did your personality fluctuate?
Feel.
Pay attention to how you felt.
Imagine.
Your mood is unpredictable.
Your behavior is erratic.
Your personality is fluid.
No control.
Feel.
How do you feel?
How do others treat you?
How do you treat yourself?
Act.
Do you recognize that the problem is within?
Do you put on a mask and try to hide?
Do you get help or does shame prevent you?
Do you duck from the stones?
Pushing away everyone that loves you
Drawing up within yourself so tight you can never unwind.
Doing dangerous things without concern about the consequences.
Watching what is happening -
Nevertheless, unable to control it.
Unable to be stable.
Constantly teetering
On the
Scientists Make Bipolar Gene Find 2007-09-13 23:55:22 The findings, made as part of the largest study into the genetics of common diseases, also offers hope to depression and schizophrenia sufferers.
The Cardiff University scientists analyzed DNA from thousands of people, including actor and writer Stephen Fry.
Previously known as manic depression, bipolar sufferers are at a greatly increased risk of committing suicide.
"This should be a time of great optimism for those individuals and families that have experienced illnesses like bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and depression." - Professor Nick Craddock
The team, from the university's School of Medicine, discovered that there are many genes which put an individual at greater risk of bipolar disorder.
Each gene on its own makes a relatively small contribution to the overall risk.
The results are said to shed light on the biological systems behind bipolar disorder, which affects about 100m people worldwide.
It is hoped the discoveries will enable better diagnosis of mental Read more:Bipolar
Community Service & Another Med Change 2007-09-12 23:49:30 Current Mood: Today was a busy day. I got up at the butt-crack of dawn this morning and started calling non-profit organizations because I didn’t want to have to finish my community service at the YMCA. After leaving over 13 messages, I got a call back from Community Action Project. I start there tomorrow and it’s clerical work… my forte.
After I spoke with the executive director of CAP, I had to go see my probation officer to get the pre-approval since CAP isn’t on their list. My probation officer’s supervisor was bitching at me for not having more of my hours in, so I copped an attitude right back at her. I’m not going to kiss anyone’s ass, I don’t give a shit who they are or who they think they are. That bitch isn’t anything to me. She’s just on a power trip.
I’m supposed to be finished by 9/14/07 at 10:30 a.m. That just isn’t possible so I’m going to have to go to court. I hope the judge isn’t an asshole about it. He only gave me thirteen business Read more:Service
, Change
Jeff… 2007-09-11 21:12:51 Current Mood: Jeff just left. He came to pick up his belt. He 'forgot' it the other day when he was here. Desire burns in his eyes when he looks at me. He looks as me as if I am the sexiest woman in the world. I love it; it makes me feel incredible, beautiful, and sexy. I’m not afraid to be myself with him. I feel like I’ve known him for years.
Usually, I am somewhat self-conscious in bed1 because I can’t stop thinking about how imperfect my body is - with its excess fat and bright pink scars leftover from self-injury. However, it barely crosses my mind when I’m with him.
As soon as he got here, he kissed me deeply and said, ‘Hey beautiful, I’ve missed you. How have you been?’ He acted as if it had been a few weeks, instead of a few days, since we last saw each other.
WARNING: It gets graphic from here.
His belt was in my bedroom so I walked in there to get it for him. He followed me. Then he shut the door behind us. He was aware that it is that time of the m Read more:hellip
YMCA, Community Service, and Denver 2007-09-10 23:35:03 I started doing my community service today. I was assigned to the YMCA. The whole time I kept thinking about the damned Village People and I couldn't get 'YMCA' out of my head. That's why I'm sitting here listening to that song. Maybe if I hear it then it will get out of my head.
There are some strange dudes that stay there. A few kept hitting on me. There was one in particular that was creepy. One of the employees told me to 'Steer clear of that guy. He's a nutty sonofabitch. A real live loony tunes.' Oh great, like I need another one of them in my life.
I decided to keep my bipolar status to myself. I didn't want that employee saying the same thing about me.
There was only one other person doing community service there today besides me. It was an Indian woman named Sue. She was working off fines for public intoxication. She only had 16 hours… I got 24 hours for a speeding ticket… WTF?
After I was done for the day I went out Read more:Service
, Denver
Letting Go 2007-09-09 23:47:06 I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness. About a month ago, my counselor asked me if I have considered forgiving those who have sexually abused me. I’m sure I looked at her as if she was smoking crack.
I thought, ‘forgive them?!? Pfft. Why the fuck would I want to do that? She must be the crazy one.’
She could tell I wasn’t ready to think about doing that quite yet. She added, ‘It’s not something you have to do this minute, just think about it. Whom are you hurting by having all this anger and bitterness toward those men? You’re not hurting them. They probably don’t even think about what they did. Those feelings are holding you down just like invisible shackles.’
I knew I was only hurting myself by holding on to all those negative feelings, but I wasn’t quite ready to let them go yet. I equated forgiveness with excusing what they did and I sure as hell wasn’t going to do that. I felt like they ruined my life. In truth, they ruined my childhood and most of Read more:Letting
A New Kind of Sex Toy? 2007-09-08 09:13:43 I know this isn't my normal type of post, but it made me laugh and I wanted to share it.
A US mother-of-three has invented a sex toy that connects to a vacuum cleaner to give an orgasm in just ten seconds.
The gadget, called Vortex Vibrations, works by concentrating the air flow to create a rapid and gentle vibration, reports the Sun.
Inventor Joanne Drysdale claims it can give multiple, back-to-back orgasms lasting up to a minute a time - and it does not even touch the skin. The 49-year-old former toolmaker was cleaning her carpets when she came up with the idea for Vortex, which sells for £35 through lovehoney.co.uk.
She saw how a piece of rubber that had got caught in the nozzle was gently resonating in the air flow. She also felt a soft stimulation to her fingertips as she tried to remove the rubber.
"After several hours, I came up with the prototype. The first time I tried it I reached an orgasm within 10 seconds. That was when I knew I was on to something that could
‘Movie’ date with Jeff 2007-09-07 04:22:24 Current Mood: Oh my God! I had incredibly awesome sex earlier. It was with this person named Jeff, whom I have been 'talking' to for a few months. He is the best lover I've had in awhile. He has the package, stamina, and technique. MMM damn.
It started out innocent enough - it usually does. We were supposed to go out and have a drink, but I decided to stay in and just invite him over. When he got here, he gave me a big hug once I let him in the house. I was instantly comfortable with him, but that could have been due to the three Jager-bombs I had before he arrived. He brought a bottle of wine since we were staying in. We had three Jager-bombs together and he had a glass of wine (wine doesn't suit my taste).
We started watching the Ring 2. We sat close together and he started holding my hand - aww, how cute. Then out of nowhere, he kissed me. Unfortunately, he could use some kissing lessons. I can fix that though… give me time.
WARNING: it st
Vision for Change: A Campaign for Wellness in America 2007-09-06 14:40:31 IF… parents had to give up custody of their children for them to receive treatment for cancer…If people with heart disease ended up on the streets or in prisons because they couldn't get help…If businesses lost billions of dollars due to avian flu…If 30,000 people died each year due to airplane accidents…
This nation would demand action.
When it comes to mental health disorders, there are no "ifs." Loss of child custody, homelessness, incarceration, lost productivity, and an epidemic of suicide are realities in communities across the country. Mental health is fundamental to overall health and research confirms the link between mind and body and demonstrates that mental illnesses are treatable when individuals have access to appropriate services.
We call on Congress to embrace our Vision for Change
and make mental health a national priority to ensure wellness for all America
ns.
Our Vision for Change:
1. Eliminate discrimination in access to Read more:Campaign
, Wellness
A Life for Deciding 2007-09-05 16:59:30 A Life for Deciding
In people with chronic
or terminal diseases,
one talks about the
quality of life.
Everything is done
by doctors, family,
friends, the people themselves,
for as high as possible a
quality of life.
Battle lines are drawn
with pain and suffering,
with weakness and exhaustion,
and hundred of other ills
that plauge one's
quality of life.
But what can be done
with a chronic, possibly terminal
illness, when the enemy constantly
changes, and what beats back pain
one day, another day may destroy one's
quality of life?
Where does one call truce
in the battle with the mind,
forever tweaking medicines
to improve the
quality of life?
When does one settle
for a shell of a former "you,"
and stop striving to improve the
quality of life?
I raise the white flag
of surrender.
I am so tired…
by Catherine Courry
Triptych: For My Sisters and Brothers 2007-09-04 16:57:15 I. Ascent
In the middle of my head,
a perfect pinwheel,
shining with a million colors,
spins all night.
In the middle of my head,
a surging thesaurus
bounces off the walls like
ten thousand ping-pong balls.
Sleepless,
body twitching,
white-knuckled,
I cling to reality.
I wish I were home.
II. Darkness descending
The sun has set
But it does not bring
Respite.
Now comes the
Dark night of the
Soul.
Fear and trembling,
The sickness
Unto death.
Slugs slither through my
Dreams leaving trails of slime.
The sun rises again
But brings no
Light.
Darkness above my head.
Darkness beneath my feet.
Darkness behind me.
Darkness in front of me.
Darkness to the right of me.
Darkness to the left of me.
Everywhere,
I walk in darkness.
In darkness,
It is ended.
III. The butterfly and the roach
I see a spicebush swallowtail butterfly,
A field of black and turquoise
Bordered with white, and underneath,
Large eyes of orange, as she stops
At each flower to taste its nectar,
But never stopping for long.
I see Read more:Sisters
, Triptych
, Brothers
The Pendulum 2007-09-03 16:53:22 Pendulum,
pendulum,
why do you swing?
You never warn me
when you do your thing:
sometimes a nightmare,
sometimes a dream,
I always laugh
when I want to scream.
Tick. Tock.
I love my clock.
I feel the rhthym
and gently rock.
I pretend not to see it
coming this way;
where can I hide
from the pendulum's sway?
LEIGH S.
Read more:Pendulum
Prison 2007-09-02 16:34:08 Nick’s dad, Bob, just called me to let me know that Nick is going back to prison. Holy shit, I can’t believe it. I’m in shock. A few weeks ago, he told me that he had a warrant and he was going to turn himself in but I didn’t really take him or the situation seriously. I partly thought he was just saying it to get me to start talking to him again. (He’s pulled similar tricks before.)
When his family told me he was being honest, I was a little concerned, but not too much. I figured the judge would reinstate his sentence. However, I thought he would suspend it and the worst that would happen was an extension of his probation and a big fat fine. I was wrong.
A few years ago, Nick was addicted to meth a.k.a. crank. He ended up in prison because of his addiction. The cops had pulled him over because he had an expired tag. He also didn’t have a license or insurance.
They arrested him because he had a mobile meth lab in his car in addition to a large amount of the drug. He also h Read more:Prison
Pass the Wellstone Act 2007-09-01 21:23:12 By Betty Ford and Rosalynn Carter
If you were diagnosed with a brain tumor, would you seek treatment or would you ignore it and hope it goes away? Would your answer differ according to whether your health insurance covered treatment? A diagnosis such as a brain tumor, or Parkinson's disease, is a serious matter. Just as serious are the diagnoses of mental illnesses and addictions. But depending on the location of the illness in your body, the decision to seek treatment may be harder to make.
Mental health and addiction patients are discriminated against because employers and insurers often do not classify these disorders as diseases of the brain. Yet we know after decades of brain research that they indeed are diseases, and that effective treatments exist.
As it stands now, health insurers offer coverage and reimbursement if you need cancer therapy or treatment for Parkinson's disease, heart disease, diabetes or any other physical illness. But if you are diagnosed with a men
Official Diagnostic Signs for Bipolar Episodes and Bipolar Disorder 2007-08-31 00:01:05 Current Mood: The following are the 'official' signs of what an episode must consist of in order to be classified as manic, depressed, or mixed. The following information was taken from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition.1
Diagnostic Criteria for a Manic Episode
* A distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting at least 1 week (or any duration if hospitalization is necessary).
* During the period of mood disturbance, three (or more) of the following symptoms have persisted (four if the mood is only irritable) and have been present to a significant degree:
1. Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
2. Decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
3. More talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
4. Flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
5. Distractibility (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or i Read more:Bipolar
, Official
Rebuttal to Jordan's Accusations 2007-08-30 01:28:33 Jordan1 commented on this post. He said,
Jason is one of the best people i know and if you were really bipolar then you wouldn't be able to stay that calm during that conversation in fact you would have been so mad you would have forgot most of that conversation so if i was you i would quit faking it cause no ones buying it
After deciphering your butchery of the English language I pondered your asinine allegations. Now I get to quash them.
First off, you shouldn't assume things you have no possible way of knowing. When you posted that comment, you probably thought you were really sticking it to me. In reality, all you accomplished was making an ass out of yourself and showing your ignorance. You did it very well, by the way.
Second, I was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder in late December 2005. I didn’t meet Jason until January 2007 - that fact alone should be enough to debunk your absurd accusations.
Third, feigning an illness like bipolar disorder is impossible to Read more:Jordan
Dave is a Jerk 2007-08-28 00:32:18 I talked to Dave about Jonathan and the conversation did not go the way I thought it would. Maybe I started the conversation wrong. I'm not sure. Oh well, it's not like I can go back and change it. I asked him what he would do if a violent ex-lover hunted him down and wouldn’t leave him alone. The question confused him, of course. I elaborated by asking him what he would do if he were a female faced with that situation.
I think I was wrong about him being a nice guy. He completely misinterpreted the conversation. I didn't bother telling him what Jonathan did, it was obvious he would have blamed me for what happened.
He said he didn’t know what he would do because he tends to avoid violent people. I told him that is difficult when they just show up on your doorstep when they aren’t even supposed to know where you live.
He said, ‘I would call the police.’ I figured he would say that, but it wasn’t an option at the time. I asked, ‘what if you don’t have time
Boundary Violation 2007-08-27 21:16:18 I’m sitting here shaking just thinking about what happened.
I feel trapped. I feel scared. I feel like crying. What do I do? How do I get Jonathan to leave me alone? He showed up on my doorstep. I opened the door because I didn’t know it was he. I have a glass door, so it’s not as if I could’ve pretended I wasn’t home.
I was stunned when I saw him standing there, looking me up and down. After I snapped back to reality, I felt disgust, anger, and confusion. I felt an impending sense of doom.
I thought moving would get him out of my life, but he tracked me down. I don’t understand why he’s doing this to me, he was meant to be a one-night stand almost two years ago.
I knew what was coming. The little girl inside was shrieking. My hands are tied. I’m defenseless against him. I am that little girl again.
I wish Dave was still here, but he left a few hours ago. Jonathan invited himself in and he started looking for my bedroom. I tried to tell him I’m involved with someone, Read more:Boundary
My Trial 2007-08-27 14:34:30 Current Mood: | defiant | At 2pm today, I had court for a bullshit speeding ticket I got June 26. My roommate had to go with me because he was my witness. We had hoped that the cop wouldn’t show up.
He was fifteen minutes late. It irritated me because I know if I had been the one that was late a warrant would have been issued. The judge should have dismissed the case.
Nevertheless, the judge did not dismiss it. He did, however, offer me the opportunity to change my plea from not guilty to no contest.
I told him no because I was not guilty and that even if I just wanted to change my plea I didn’t have the money to pay the fine.
He then explained that if I pled out he could get me time to pay. Then he said I was accused of going only nine miles over the posted limit, which would not count against my driving record. Consequently, I wouldn’t have to worry about my insurance premium going up.
That was the second reason I decided fight to the ticket. I didn’t want my insura Read more:Trial
First Date with Dave 2007-08-27 05:58:08 Current Mood: I met another guy last Friday. His name is Dave and we hit it off - we talked for hours. We’re physically attracted to each other and we have a lot in common. He has many features and qualities I like in a partner: He is the Gothic type; has several tattoos1; likes a lot of the same music I do; has a great sense of humor; he’s honest, assertive, Pagan and non-judgmental…
When I’m romantically interested in a guy I usually tell him right away that I’m Pagan and that I have Bipolar Disorder. I like to get the potential deal-breakers out of the way A.S.A.P. I don’t see the point in wasting my time anymore. When I dropped that bombshell he didn’t run away screaming so apparently he’s interested in me as well.
I’ve never dated another Pagan before. It’s nice that I didn’t have to explain my spiritual beliefs to someone and hope that it wasn’t a deal-breaker.2 It was a deal-breaker for Raymond. We were engaged and fighting over what kind of cerem Read more:First
, First Date
'Cold' 2007-08-26 23:02:19 Current Mood: | complacent | This is a music video by Corinna Fugate who is a recovering self-injurer. The quality of the video isn't all that great, but the lyrics are.
The First Day's Night Had to Come 2007-08-25 08:52:50 The following is one of my favorite Emily Dickinson Poems.
The first Day's Night
had come–
And grateful that a thing
So terrible - had been endured–
I told my Soul to sing–
She said her Strings were snapt–
Her Bow - to Atoms blown–
And so to mend her - gave me work
Until another Morn–
And then - a Day as huge
As Yesterdays in pairs,
Unrolled its horror in my face–
Until it blocked my eyes–
My Brain - begun to laugh–
I mumbled - like a fool–
And tho' 'tis Years ago - that Day–
My brain keeps giggling - still.
And Something's odd - within–
That person that I was–
And this One - do not feel the same–
Could it be Madness - this?
–Emily Dickinson c.1862
Read more:First
Hyper-Vigilance 2007-08-22 16:10:12 I had a nightmare this morning about Jonathan. 1 I do not remember all the details, but I remember seeing him and a whole lot of blood.
I was trapped inside his house like a cub in a bear trap. Every door I opened led to a funhouse-esque slide and there was blood everywhere. It was pouring out of me in every direction. I could not get out of his house; I felt absolute terror. That is all I remember.
I know I had that dream because he dropped by my house a few days ago. I had hoped that he did not know where I lived. He was part of the reason I moved. Unfortunately, he knows where I live. I cannot help but wonder if he walking down my street the day I moved in this house was a coincidence or not.
I do not know what to do about the situation. There is always the legal route, but he is the violent type and I think that would just make matters worse.
During the dream, one of my roommates touched the middle of my back to wake me up for an appointment. I was lying on my stomach a
Electro-Shock Therapy 2007-09-21 12:04:13 What is ECT?
ECT is a form of electrical stimulation of the brain that has been in use since the 1930s. It is also known as electroshock therapy. A psychiatrist, an anesthesiologist, and other supportive medical personnel supervise the treatment. The person being treated is anesthetized. In bilateral ECT, electrodes are placed on the scalp above each temple. In unilateral ECT, the electrodes are placed above the temple on one side of the brain and in the middle of the forehead. An electrical current is then passed through the brain, inducing a grand mal seizure similar to that experienced in epilepsy. Clinically effective seizures generally last from about 30 seconds to just over a minute. The body does not convulse, and the person being treated feels no pain. Some persons may experience headache, nausea, confusion and muscle stiffness upon awakening. A typical course of ECT treatment requires six to 12 treatments over a period of less than a month. To sustain the response to ECT, con Read more:Electro
, Shock
, Therapy
Tainted with Myself 2007-09-19 15:54:53 Tainted with Myself
Yes, I feel tainted with myself.
I will depart, not of this world
but, from the agony of myself
Pull away, confess delusions
Surrender to Hell
Destruction invites rebirth
This, my only reprieve
Innocence gone then
Numbness conceived
Pain in the truth
Fear of my life
Freedom by virtue
No solitude, nor suicide
Helplessness…Life's
Feeble excuses
Transform the lies
Inflicts past abuses
Alternative thinking
Physical releases
No rest for the mind
Constantly thinking
My consciousness
Releases me
My bondage
Consumes me
Tainted
Contaminated
A child within
somehow corrupted
Predoomed
Postdommed
Face the inevitable
Change is futile
The force within
Waiting to escape
The Beast lives forever
Make no mistake
Bye for now my friends
I must retreat…..
Anonymous
Read more:Tainted
Drugs and Labels 2007-09-18 15:57:01 Drugs and Labels
I get up in the morning
A couple of pills are due.
Hmmm, let me see now…
2 yellow, 1 pink, 1 blue.
I keep them In a little box,
That doles them out each day.
It further subdivides the meds,
I take them right, that way.
One pill is an anti-depressant,
It's supposed to keep me from sinking
Down into a depressed hole
Doesn’t always work, I'm thinking!
Another pill is a hormone
For a sluggish thyroid gland.
And then there's the one I'm at war with,
It makes me feel too "bland".
It's called a "mood stabilizer"
It sounds like a mechanical device.
To be fair, it sometimes helps my mood,
But the side effects aren't nice.
I take a bunch of pills at nite,
That are supposed to make me drowsy.
But some nites, they just do not work,
And in the morning I feel lousy.
So why do I take these pills, you ask?
Well, now, that i Read more:Drugs
The Ways Bipolar Disorder has Affected My Relationships 2007-09-16 23:56:25 Current Mood: hyper | After reading the article in my previous post, I asked myself, 'How has bipolar disorder affected my relationships as a whole?' I didn't come up with a definitive answer, but I think it is a good start.
During my depressive episodes, I isolate myself from everyone or I lash out at them. I push them all away because I want to be alone so I can wallow in my misery. In addition, I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems or feelings. I’m afraid they will think less of me as a person and then they will reject me.
By pushing them away first I control the situation; at the very least I feel like I control it. I subconsciously manipulate them into leaving me. If they try to stick around (as Nick was doing), I take my thoughts and behavior deeper and deeper into irrationality until they run off. Eventually, I always push them away, but that is hardly a victory.
When a manic episode hits I cajole the people I have pushed away. I draw them back Read more:Bipolar
, Relationships
Back to Work 2007-10-01 16:42:37 Current Mood: Today was my first day back at work for almost four and a half months. It went well. The only thing I didn't like is my new shift - 5am to 1:30pm. I'm a night owl by nature, so it will be difficult for me to adjust to this shift. However, I've done it before and I can do it again. I like my new team leader. She is laid-back and seems cool.
A couple of people on my new team have been members of other teams I've been on. Most of the ones that I haven't met before are really friendly. I revealed my bipolar status to two of them. Considering what happened before perhaps I should be secretive about my illness, but I refuse to do that. It was the management that had a problem with my illness, not my co-workers. I have made it my mission to reduce the ignorance and stigma associated with mental illness. How can I do that if I hide my status from others? Additionally, it isn't something I'm ashamed of anymore. I'm no longer worried about o
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