Owner: Bipolarchick.net: Reflections of a Crazy Life URL:http://bipolarchick.net/blog Join Date: Sat, 15 Sep 2007 23:03:14 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Young woman blogging about her life, being bipolar, self-injury, recovery, triggers, fear, failure, past abuse, relationships, dating, sexcapades, current struggles & other issues, as well as advocating for others diagnosed with mental illness. Site statistics:Click here
Discharge and My Recovery 2007-02-09 17:53:39 I was released from inpatient treatment 2/2/07 but I was still partial inpatient until today. So I am officially discharged from Brookhaven Hospital. I'm going to miss a lot of people from there. I made some really good friends. Private hospitals are awesome.
I had no clue what to expect when I went there. I half-expected everyone to be insane, running around drooling, and flipping out. It wasn't like that at all. The psychiatric patients (like me) were seemingly normal except for the suicidal ideations. There were several rehab patients there too. Most of the employees were cool as hell. I actually enjoyed myself most of the time I was there.
I learned a lot in the hospital. I am confident that I can get better. I have learned healthy coping skills, what my triggers are and how to manage them. I've also started dealing with my past… all of it. No more locking it in a steel box. It's been very painful and I still have a long journey ahead of me, but I will ge Read more:Recovery
Our GC Video 2007-02-08 02:48:28 Our Good Charlotte video "The River"
Dual Problems Group 2007-02-07 21:47:50 What is your presenting problem(s)?
depression and suicidal behavior
How have you tried to deal with this problem?
self-injury and isolation
Have your attempts to deal with the problem helped or hindered you? Explain how?
They have hindered me because I've been destructive to myself and I've pushed everyone that has ever given a damn about me away.
What have you learned at Brookhaven to address your problem in a more healthy/helpful manner?
to set boundaries and to find healthy alternatives to self-injury
look out for negative exaggeration and self-talk
get a vocabulary for feelings
not to destroy relationships when I get angry
to think I am the worst person in the world is very arrogant
positive affirmations
overgeneralizing fucks you over (watch out for words like always and never)
Tools:
use meds to balance brain chemistry
learn to express feelings (both negative and positive)
challenge negative thinking
abstinence: don't use alcohol, don't cut, prevent relaps Read more:Group
Abuse & Boundaries Group 2007-02-06 21:32:47 What are your survivor traits?
invulnerability
feeling inadequate
perfectionism
anti-dependency
over-maturity
How do you plan to change your programming and re-parent yourself?
positive affirmations - change negative self-talk into positive
self-help books
intense therapy
listen to safe people/compliments
explore my spirituality
set boundaries - what I'm will to do and what I'm not willing to do
learn what I am responsible for and not responsible for
risk opening up to people by communicating my feelings
search within myself and discover what my wants and needs are and to understand that I am entitled to having them met.
What is your weakness in terms of your attitude towards boundaries?
Fear other people's reactions
What are the consequences of this attitude?
Resentment because I ignore my feelings and boundaries to satisfy others
What can you do to prevent yourself from falling prey to this attitude?
Accept that I can't please everyone all the time and that my Read more:Group
, Boundaries
Anger and Stress management 2007-02-05 21:17:10 How do you experience anger?
I bottle it up and don't express it until I explode on myself or someone else
How does this affect your life?
I get depressed; low self-esteem, problems with relationships (lack of communication); I self-injure.
Trigger/event:
When I get hurt emotionally. When I succeed in pushing people away when they start getting too close.
Thoughts:
Closed off; chickenshit; defective; I don't deserve relationships because I'm worthless; I'm not their equal.
Emotion/Behavior
Take it out on myself - anger, run, avoid, isolate, self-injure, want to punish them for letting me push them away
How do you plan to change?
Set boundaries and learn to communicate my feelings. Try my best to recognize when I start pushing people away and stop.
What are your main stressors?
Job; interpersonal relationships - family and men; finances; bipolar disorder
How have they affected your life?
Self-injury: cutting & bloodletting; not sleeping; severe anxiety; panic at
Inadequacy and Co-dependence group 2007-02-04 20:41:24 When do you feel the most inadequate or put down?
I feel inadequate when i see shiny happy people. I feel that way because I think I'm incapable and undeserving of happiness. It also makes me feel bitter, resentful and jealous.
How do you handle that situation?
I put myself down and isolate. I stay away from people as much as possible.
How would you like to handle it?
I'd like to be one of those shiny happy people. At the very least I want to show everyone and myself that I don't care what they think about me and I want to believe it myself.
What role do you play in your significant relationships?
It depends on what kind of relationship. To my family I was the responsible know-it-all. With men I've been the martyr. With friends I've been the chaotic one.
In what ways does it effect you?
My needs have gone unmet. I've lost my sense of self. I have a lot of pain and resentment built up inside me.
What do you need to change to gain balance of healthy give an
Grief/loss Group 2007-02-04 20:19:19 Name a difficult/painful experience of loss.
the loss of my innocence, the inability to maintain healthy relationships, and my own personal identity due to fourteen years of sexual and physical abuse.
Describe how it has affected you.
it made me feel guilt, rage, humiliation, pain, and numbness. I dealt with it by isolating myself and shutting down. I built huge defensive walls that would make the Berlin wall look like a picket fence. I stopped expressing emotion. It made me blame and hate myself. I've been unable to maintain a long-term romantic relationship and has kept my familial relationships rocky at best.
Where are you in the mourning process?
I'm still reacting because I was numb for so long. I'm very angry about my childhood and the lack of protection. I am trying to re-parent myself.
What do you need to do?
I need to process the events and express my feelings to the important people in my life. I also need to learn to trust men and recognize my own self-worth. Read more:Group
, Grief
Shame/Guilt Group 2007-02-03 20:08:30 Abandonment + distorted boundaries = shame
I've had compulsive and apathetic relationships
In order to come out of hiding from a shame-based identity identify needs and healthy ways of getting those needs met.
Needs:
love
affection
security
acceptance
trust
stability
Since I have a shame-based identity. I tend to feel:
unlovable
unworthy
inadequate
incomplete
evil/bad
defective
perfectionistic
undeserving of happiness
Shame:
kept me from emotional closeness
made me withdraw from people and relationships
led to perfectionism. I'm a perfectionist because I'm so scared of rejection and criticism hurts me to the very core
I've worn masks to hide the real me for so long that I'm unsure who the real me is
led to promiscuous sex
led to self-injury
led to to alcohol and drug use
caused me to abuse food
caused fits of rage and loss of control
keeps me from setting limits/boundaries
led to unhealthy/distorted relationships where I was either over or under attached
l Read more:Group
Forgiveness Group 2007-02-02 19:10:09 Assignment: Concentrate on forgiveness. Make up a "forgiveness list" with times and reasons you haven't forgiven yourself or when others have hurt you. Write your feelings and thoughts about the memories.When I've been hurt and things I haven't forgiven myself for:
My father rejected me: I felt worthless, unworthy, unlovable, unwanted, sad, depressed, unimportant, inadequate, like a mistake, suicidal and like a burden. First suicide attempt.
My ex-stepfather, Larry, abused me verbally, mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually. I felt degraded, worthless, sad, rejected, defective, dirty, ashamed, guilty, embarrassed, crazy, unloved, ugly, repulsed, hatred, afraid and disgust.
3 miscarriages: I felt like they were my fault and I deserved the pain and I didn't deserve to be a mother. Anguish, guilt, anger, and so much grief I thought I would explode. I also felt suicidal. If Erick hadn't been so supportive after the 1st miscarriage I'm afrai Read more:Group
, Forgiveness
Conflict Group 2007-02-02 14:50:17 I learned that I'm passive aggressive… big shocker there.
Things that I need to do:
Learn how to say NO
Stop thinking about everything in terms of all or nothing
Set boundaries
Learn how to be more assertive… not aggressive or passive-aggressive
Start thinking about what is best for me and stop ignoring my needs
Stop trying to be everything for everyone
Read more:Group
, Conflict
Committed: Day 8 2007-02-01 18:20:30 I feel like the time I've spent here has been a waste. I was feeling so much better until today. Right now I feel like giving up and dying. I think it's the prospect of going back to all my problems, since I get out tomorrow. I'm also upset because I've met a lot of really good people that I will probably never see again.
I feel like I belong. We are the Brookhaven family. I never thought I'd be sad to leave a psychiatric hospital. Hell, I never thought I would commit myself - not in a million years.
I know I'm not ready to leave. I don't know what tomorrow will bring and it scares the shit out of me.
Gotta go for a bit.
…a few hours later
…
I feel better now. I was pulling one of my old tricks - withdrawing from people because I am going to be physically absent from them.
Stacy, Cody and Kayle (especially) cared enough of about me to pull me out of that funk.
Read more:Committed
Committed: Day 6 2007-01-30 21:12:01 The past few days in the hospital have helped me tremendously. I've only had the urge to cut a few times. Unfortunately, one of those times is right now. That's why I'm writing - to try to reduce the urge. I know I could find a way to cut. I'm off suicide watch now and can check out a razor from one of the psych techs.
It wouldn't cut as good as one of the straight razor blades I have a home, but I know it would get the job done and make me feel better.
The trigger was a voicemail my team lead, Jason Niblack, left for me. I swear that sonofabitch is determined to drive me over the edge. He keeps pushing me closer and closer. After listening to the message I almost had another panic attack and I had to go get anxiety meds asap from the nurse-station.
He was bitching at me for checking into the hospital and missing work. He said I will most likely be fired when I get out even if my short term disability is approved. He was really rude in the message. He was actin Read more:Committed
Committed: Day 4 2007-01-28 10:01:42 Current Mood: I've been in the "hospital" since 1/24/07, but I didn't come here (Brookhaven) until 1/25/07. The first day here I was on unit restriction and suicide watch. I was taken off unit restriction and allowed to go to the TV room as long as the psych techs knew where I was. They also allowed me to go to the dining room with the other patients. I'm still on suicide watch though.
Mom and Pawpa came to visit me. I was pissed off that someone told Granny and Pawpa about me checking myself in to the nut-house. I knew they would be ashamed and disappointed in me. I didn't want to face my grandparents.
Thank goodness Granny stayed home. It was weird sitting in the dining/visiting room with Mom and Pawpa. They artfully avoided talking about where I was and why. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.
Recovery is fucking hard.
My therapist saw right through me within 5 minutes. That was unnerving to say the least. No one had ever been able to read Read more:Committed
Triggers 2007-01-26 10:25:56 Process group questions on triggers:
1. What are my triggers?
Being unable to express my feelings because of my fears (rejection, judgment, abandonment, ridicule, embarrassment, criticism) and my feelings of being unworthy and unlovable.
Becoming too emotionally attached to someone, especially in a romantic relationship.
Depression
Flashbacks of good and bad memories
Memorable places
Anniversaries (rape, breakups, miscarriages, engagements, relationships, deaths and birthdates of loved ones.)
Deep emotional pain
Anger at myself and others — this is one of my main triggers
When I feel like I need punished
2. What have I done with stress and pain before coming here?
Injure myself (cutting, bloodletting, clawing, scratching, hitting, pinching, picking at scabs and stitches, not letting wounds heal)
Bottled up and ignored my feelings
Blogged
Web design
Shopping sprees (I couldn't afford)
3. What are some grounding skills I will use when I get out?
listen to music and relax Read more:Triggers
I Can't Live Like This Anymore! 2007-01-24 19:42:01 Current Mood: I can't do this anymore. It's just too hard. I've been feeling very suicidal all month. I'm so fucked up in the head right now. All I want to do is kill myself and get it over with.
I found a website designed by a woman that almost killed herself. She’s trying to help people that are in the dark place she was in once. She made a lot of sense and I know if I don't get some professional help I am going to kill myself.
I've decided I'm going to check myself into the hospital tonight before I do something I'll regret.
I hope after I get out I will feel like living.
DirecTV doesn't care if I die as long as I come to work 2007-01-24 09:42:18 Current Mood: stressed out | My job would rather me kill myself than miss work to get help.
I'm bipolar. I've been fighting suicidal urges for several months. They are getting harder and harder to resist. I have resorted to cutting (again) and bloodletting. I hadn't cut in years until December 05. After a few really good sessions I'd be good for a month or two. Until New years eve my last cutting episode was in September. On New years bad things happened and I was drunk. When I'm intoxicated it's really hard to ignore the urges to hurt myself.
On New Years I went to my bedroom and got my razorblade and blood-rag out from under my bed. I was sitting in the dark because I was afraid someone would come in. I made two quick cuts and was about to make more, but the 2nd cut hurt more than usual and I felt blood start gushing. I got up and turned on the light and I was bleeding like crazy. I had made 2- 6in long .75 - 1" deep gashes in my upper left Read more:DirecTV
Letter to Mr. Johnson with Directv 2007-01-23 03:06:19 Current Mood: Some bad things happened today.
Mr. Johnson
,
I want to thank you for being so understanding when my supervisor, Jason Niblack, brought me to your office this evening. I just want you to know that you LITERALLY saved my life. Thank you.
I truly appreciate the fact that you seem genuinely concerned about my welfare. I was starting to think Directv management did not care at all about their employees. I know there are programs in place (EAP, STD, etc) to help employees but after speaking with Jason I gathered that those programs were in place to make employees think they could get help when needed, but when they actually need the help and try to get it they risk losing their job.
I am not trying to get Jason in trouble in any way, but I feel that he triggered my panic attack. I have sat down and talked to him on four prior occasions; he is well aware of my condition and the predicament I am in. I feel like he does not care one way or the other. I am quite certain that he h Read more:Letter
Poem - Sick 2007-01-22 09:31:56
I'm sick of pretending.
I'm sick of trying to be what everyone wants me to be.
I'm sick of running.
I'm sick of being lonely.
I'm sick of being me.
Put me out of my misery.
Observations 2007-01-20 19:08:58 Current Mood: Since the New Year's Eve fiasco I've been scrutinizing myself; trying to figure out what is wrong with me and how to fix it. I can't stand being this way anymore. If I don't do something about it, I'm afraid it will kill me. The fact that the hospital tried to commit me was a very loud wake up call.I've already been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder as well as generalized anxiety disorder. I've been researching various mental and mood disorders, trying to figure out how to cure myself. After all my research I've discovered my symptoms also match avoidant personality disorder and borderline personality disorder.
I'm not a shrink so I don't know the difference between the two, but I do know that I exhibit most of the behaviors that are listed in the latest version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders for both of these personality disorders. I don't know if they are co-morbid or if they a
I Want… 2007-01-19 12:30:42 I want&hellip
;
I want all this bad shit to stop happening
I want everything to be alright
I want to feel better and stop wishing for death
I want to sleep at night
I want to win this battle
I want to stop feeling all this pain
I want to find my way out of this black hole
I want to stop feeling like I'm going insane
I want my past to stop haunting me
I want to once again enjoy playing in the rain
I want this seemingly endless torment to end
I want to know my survival hasn't been in vain
I want to let go of the past
I want my life back
I want freedom from this misery
I want to stop feeling like I am always under attack
I want to know I am loved
I want a peaceful resolution to this internal strife
I want to know I've made a difference to someone
I want to move on with my life
I want to stop sabotaging my happiness
I want to stop pushing everyone away
I want to welcome love instead of running from it
I want to purge my soul of wretchedness and dismay
by Jennifer Steele
Confession 2007-01-17 09:50:43 Current Mood: I confessed the truth to Nick last night. I told him that the bloodletting began when we were seeing each other. I told him about the cutting as well. I also told him the truth about what happened on New Years Eve.
To my amazement, Nick wasn't surprised by my confession. I don't know where things stand with us right now. I don't really want to know what he thought about what I told him either. I was afraid of what his answer might be.
I want to get better and I told him I was thinking about checking myself in to a hospital for awhile.
He told me that he had dated cutters before but that was pretty much all he said. It did seem like he gained more understanding about me. I was relieved that he didn't give me the lecture that everyone else had.
So far everyone I have told has given me the obligatory speech about caring about me and to stop hurting myself and that the next time I feel like cutting to call. Yeah, whatever.
Something is Wrong 2007-01-04 19:23:01 Current Mood: frustrated | hopeless | stressed out | Something is wrong with me. It is unbelievably hard to admit it to myself and impossible to admit to anyone else. The shame is overwhelming. I hate myself so much because I am intelligent enough to know I'm defective, but cannot change it. I've tried so hard to be normal. I have become a master of deception. I can pretend that all is well so good that I believe it myself sometimes. I just keep hoping that if I pretend long enough it will become true. What did I do to deserve this? Most of the time I just wish it would be over. The suicidal urges are so great that they get harder and harder to resist.
There have been many opportunities to get help, but I throw them all away because it is so hard to open myself up to even more shame and criticism and judgment. I'm not a bad person. I try really hard to function like everyone else. I can maintain the facade of normality for very long periods of t Read more:Wrong
Redemption :) 2006-12-14 14:33:23 Current Mood: Ok, I know I said I wasn’t really interested in sex anymore. Well, I didn’t lie, but my hormones changed their mind. Surprise, surprise.
I’ve been talking to this guy named Brandon for a few months. I met him on yahoo, but our friendship changed from IMs to text and naughty picture messages. He’s from Tulsa. I’ve been leary of meeting men from the net since you-know-who, so I just talked with Brandon a lot without the intention of ever meeting him.
We’d been talking every night for the last week or so. Last night was no different. Our conversation quickly became arousing - to say the least. It was day 23 for me without any sexual contact whatsoever (even masturbation because the cervical surgery - had to give it time to heal), so it didn’t take much to get me horny as hell.
He brought up the subject of meeting again. I made a ton of excuses why I couldn’t yet, as usual. But he had an answer for every damn one of them. I had run out of reasons and my
Good Party, Gone Bad (naughty as hell) 2006-12-10 12:42:49 Current Mood: naughty | The party last night was fucking crazy. I’m having a hard time finding the words to describe it. *gasp*
The party was to celebrate Dudney’s birthday. It started out innocent enough. Tiffany was the first one here besides Tori, Dudney and I. Shortly after she got here Doug, JR, David, Amber, Heather, Roxanne, and Natalie showed up. Nick was working so he couldn’t come. Jonathan wanted to come over, but I knew I’d end up sleeping with him again if I let him come over so I ignored his calls.
I was in the shower when Doug and the others got here. I came out and saw that he and JR both showed up… and with their girlfriends nonetheless. Geezus, talk about feeling awkward as all hell.
Doug is JR’s uncle but they are only a year or so apart. I’ve had sex with both of them in the past. They are related to my roomie.
Amber and Tori both were teasing me because they could tell I wanted to hide out in my room. I knew I wasn’t going to enjoy myself unles Read more:Party
Buckcherry & Crossfade Concert 2006-12-09 15:30:43 Current Mood: I went to see Crossfade and Buck Cherry last night with Amber and Dudney. I saw both bands a couple months ago at Dischorus ‘06 with Dudney.
I’m not a huge fan of either band, but I do like Crossfade a lot. Buck Cherry is okay, I really only like one of their songs and that’s ‘Crazy Bitch’.
The three of us got high and took a few shots before we went to the show. Amber drove. We got lost on the way to the Cain’s (even though we have been to dozens of shows there) because we were high as hell and forgot to exit the highway a few times.
Once we finally got there, the line was about half a mile long. It was freezing outside, so the three of us stayed in the car until the doors opened. We liked the bands, but not enough to freeze our asses off for them. So we smoked another bowl while we were waiting and downed some of the jager I brought with me. I’m well known to carry around a coke bottle full of jager (at bars and concerts, usually).
While we were waiting Read more:Concert
No More Sex 2006-12-08 17:23:35 Current Mood: blah | The unthinkable has happened, I’m not really interested in sex anymore… I never thought this day would come, lol. It’s probably only because it’s been almost three weeks since I’ve had sex. Dr.’s orders.
The three week mark will be Monday, Dec 11th. The Dr really told me to wait 4 weeks, but I got a second opinion and was told as long as there wasn’t any cramping or bleeding I could do it after 3 weeks.
Tonight is the Buck Cherry and Crossfade concert, I don’t plan on picking anyone up, but that doesn’t really mean anything. There have been many times I went out without the intention of bringing someone home and then woke up the next morning with a man in my bed…
We’re having a party tomorrow and I’m sure the opportunity to have sex will present iself. I’m not sure if I’m going to do it or not. Let’s see if the jager will work its magic on me.
Anniversary of My Last (and hopefully final) Suicide Attempt 2006-12-04 21:03:21 Current Mood: December 2nd was the one year anniversary of my last suicide attempt. The scars on my wrist have faded a lot - thanks to mederma. They aren’t pink anymore so they are hard to notice unless you are looking for them. I am very proud that I haven’t made anymore attempts to take my own life.
I’m also proud that I have not bloodlet or cut since August 19th - I’m two weeks shy of the four month mark. I haven’t even had the urge to do it. I think it has a lot to do with McKayla. I love that baby so much and I want to be around to watch her grow up and I want to stop hurting myself. I know now that when I hurt myself I also hurt those who love me. And people actually do love me.
It has taken a very long time for it to sink in that I am worthy of love and that I even deserve it. Old scars are healing - emotional as well as physical. I am content with my life right now.
My meds are working well and I haven’t had any major depressive episodes in months. I’m very than Read more:Suicide
, Anniversary
, hopefully
, Suicide Attempt
Erick is Separated 2006-12-03 17:11:51 Current Mood: I found out a few weeks ago that Erick
and his wife are separated and he’s moving out. That’s crazy. I’m absolutely fucking amazed.
I have mixed emotions when it comes to Erick. A part of me still loves him very much. Sometimes, our time together feels like it was a hundred years ago, but then there are times when it seems like it was just yesterday.
I can’t help but to wonder about what happened to make them finally admit to themselves and each other that their marriage is over.
It’s crazy that I hadn’t checked on him in over a year and then when I do get a wild hair up my ass to do it, I find out he’s separated. That is something I used to want to happen so freaking badly. A small part of me is happy that it is happening. How fucked up is that? The sad thing is I’d take him back in a heartbeat if he asked me to.
Intuition is a funny thing.
I want to contact Erick in the worst way. It has taken every ounce of self-control and fear I can muster to Read more:Separated
College Football 2006-12-02 20:02:55 Current Mood: The Sooners beat the Huskers again! We won the big 12 championship and will be going on to play in the fiesta bowl.
I’m happy that despite the scandal involving the quarterback, the injury of one of our star players, and the Oregon debacle we are still doing so great.
I’m Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die, I’ll be Sooner dead!
WOOHOO! Way to go Sooners!
Read more:College
, Football
, College Football
My Blog and Other Updates 2006-12-01 04:23:13 Current Mood: hyper | I’ve decided I’m going to turn this blog into my memoirs so in addition to writing about the present I’m going to write about past events that were significant in my life.
I haven’t been posting too much lately because I’ve been trying to get the php code perfect and I’ve been creating my own wordpress plugins (see the movie quote plugin). After I have the blog the way I want I’ll go back to building my website. I’m working on getting a new domain just for my blog.
Update on other stuff:
I went to my shrink a few weeks ago and she upped my dosage of wellbutrin from 300mg a day to 450mg. I wanted her to because I felt like the lamictal was leaving me in just a blah mood. It’s a mood stabilizer but it’s mainly to help prevent manic episodes. I’ve only had one full blown manic episode in my life that I know of. I do have hypomanic episodes, but in my opinion those are the best. I’m happy during those times, without it being over the top.
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