Owner: Bipolarchick.net: Reflections of a Crazy Life URL:http://bipolarchick.net/blog Join Date: Sat, 15 Sep 2007 23:03:14 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Young woman blogging about her life, being bipolar, self-injury, recovery, triggers, fear, failure, past abuse, relationships, dating, sexcapades, current struggles & other issues, as well as advocating for others diagnosed with mental illness. Site statistics:Click here
Why I Relapsed… (Part 3) 2007-06-10 15:18:44 Current Mood: I was so hurt and angry, but I didn't know how to express it without exploding on him so I exploded on myself instead.
I want to kick my own ass, but that isn't plausible. Besides, I would most likely enjoy the pain. I punished myself a little though. I bloodlet and cut earlier this evening.
Why do I have to make myself bleed? Do I do in order to feel something or to distract myself from feeling? How do I let myself experience emotions again - or better yet how do I start showing some emotion?
Why do I feel ashamed of having feelings?
I feel myself slipping down the mountain. How do I gather the strength to stop myself? I have this overwhelming urge to run away - leave this place and start over somewhere else. If I don't get away, I'm afraid of what may happen.
I try so hard to control these outrageous and irrational behaviors, but I can't keep them at bay forever. Sometimes, I want to give in and let it be over - let go - what would that do. Who Read more:hellip
Why I Relapsed… (Part 2) 2007-06-10 14:22:17 He didn't ask any questions. He just wrapped his arms around me. We fell asleep. I woke up about an hour later because he was getting a text message. The ringtone was "What's your fantasy?" I was quickly overwhelmed by suspicion. It didn't wake him up. He continued to sleep. I laid there until I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to know if it was another woman or not. I'm not a snoop. I have never gone through a man's wallet, cell phone, or address book, but I stealthily removed his phone from his belt clip and read his last text message.
I was right. It was another woman texting him. Her name was Jennifer and he had briefly mentioned her a couple days prior. She had said that she was leaving to go to the cookout at 3 and he needed to be there by then. I deleted the message and turned his phone to silent. I recalled that on Friday he was getting several text messages and he kept saying they were from his brother. At the time, I didn't care be Read more:hellip
Why I Relapsed… (Part 1) 2007-06-10 14:01:16 I was in horrible funk all day yesterday. I am ashamed of myself because I bloodlet again today, and I let jealousy get the best of me. I may have successfully ruined my relationship with Nick. It's coincidental actually - we broke up June 11th last year.
I have an open relationship with Nick. He tells everyone I'm his girlfriend, but when it comes down to it, we are free to date other people. I didn't want to know about anyone else he was dating because I know I have a jealous streak. A few weeks ago he was talking about a couple girls he was dating. At first, it didn't get to me, but lately it has been getting to me immensely.
I'm not certain why it has affected me as much as it has. Maybe it's because I'm smack dab in the middle of a mixed episode, maybe it's because I care about him, or maybe it's because I'm scared to get into a serious relationship. After much contemplation I think it's a combination of all three. Regardless Read more:hellip
Relapse 2007-06-09 15:37:05 Current Mood: I am so pissed off at myself. I relapsed last night.
I got drunk and then I cut and bloodlet for the first time since New Year's Eve.
I tried rationalizing it in my head before, during and after, but once I woke up and remembered what I had done I wanted to punish myself again. Do I want to keep doing it… keep it a deep secret again?
Cutting does hurt physically (sort of), but it numbs out the other pain. I can't take that other pain anymore. I tried being a good girl and I was able to pretend I was for six months, but I'm exhausted and have to shut myself down to recover a little bit.
I know I should stop, but it felt so incredible. Sure, it didn't solve anything, but it made me feel better.
I was so drunk last night a lot of my truest thoughts and feelings came bubbling to the surface - I couldn't deny them anymore.
I'm sick of my job, my house, my life, and Nick. I keep trying to push him away - I want him to leave me alon
I Can't Slow Down 2007-06-02 04:53:41 The entire month of May was nothing if not an extreme roller coaster. I was up then down, then high high up then drop to the ultimate low, then right back up to high or higher. There have been seldom moments of stability in my mood and thought processes.
I pile it on and on and on and on until I crack from the pressure - the crack then splinters off and I break soon afterward. After I finally break, I sweep the pieces I can find into a pile and begin rebuilding myself. I make fast progress - my hallmark - thanks to perfectionism, but it's merely an illusion. The cracks are barely visible, but they are there just the same - I pile it on and on and on and soon the cycle repeats.
I keep trying to will myself better. I KNOW I must get back to work. I'm supposed to be in about eight hours, but I've already called in.
I have the nagging thought that I need to suck it up and go back to work tomorrow, but when I think about going back to work and to my team lead I get this gut-w
Girlfriend 2007-05-29 12:39:00 Current Mood: Nick will make a girlfriend out of me yet. Or at least he is going to try until I succeed in fucking our relationship up.
Read more:Girlfriend
Justice?!? 2007-05-28 02:15:37 Current Mood: I went with my mom to visit my little brother, David, in prison yesterday. I miss him so much, but it hurts me to see him. He was only seventeen when he got locked up for being an accessory to robbery. He's almost 22 now and I feel like I barely even know him anymore. Seeing him in prison is very painful. I feel so much regret for him. I also feel a lot of guilt over the crime he committed because he partly did it to help me. Granted, I didn't ask him to help rob the store, but he tried to help me the only way he could think of at the time.
I was really concerned about him awhile back because he got his patch (gang tattoo) from the U.A.B (United Aryan Brotherhood). I didn't like it, but I understood why he joined them. A kid his age needs all the protection he can get in a shit-hole like that. Now, ironically, I'm glad he joined them. They kept him from being killed. I'm really worried about that now because
a few weeks ago, the guy that rec Read more:Justice
Tearing Down the Walls 2007-05-20 11:21:11 Current Mood: This thing with Nick is making me squirm inside. Our relationship has been going unusually well and it's scary as hell. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. The anxiety keeps my muscles tense and knotted up, especially when we are laying in bed together. I don't know how or when it happened, but I want to start giving my heart to him.
I haven't really risked my heart in four years. I've just been using men for sex and letting them use me any way they wished. I pretend that a happy, stable, loving, and lasting relationship is the last thing I want, but the truth of the matter is I want it more than anything. I need it. I NEED - why does that make me feel so wrong?
When I finally do get the balls to let myself open up and be vulnerable or when I feel I could be happy I run away. Why can't I allow myself to be happy? Why do I feel like love is the last thing I deserve? I shouldn't feel like that… everyone deserves happiness, right Read more:Walls
Insane Clown Posse 2007-05-18 11:35:26 Current Mood: Tonight was the ICP concert. I went with Nick, Tori, Jeff, Carah, and Dudney. It started out fun, but I ended up pissed off at Nick. He's still in the doghouse actually.
Going to the show made me miss David (my little brother.) He LOVES ICP. Several of his tats have to do with them. Violent J was sick, so he wasn't there. Blaze filled in for him. Twiztid ended up closing the show. Overall, the show sucked. It was the fourth and the worst ICP show I've been to so far.
Nick was all over me, kissing on my neck and stuff. I was enjoying it a lot. After the second group's set he went to the bathroom and I didn't see him again until almost an hour after the show… which is why he is in the doghouse. I looked for him for the rest of the concert, but didn't find him. I got more pissed off with each minute that passed and he wasn't there.
After the show was over we looked around for him for about 45 minutes. We didn't find him, so I Read more:Clown
, Posse
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission 2007-05-17 11:49:13 Current Mood: I decided to go ahead and pursue the charge of discrimination I filed against my job.
I initially reported the discrimination January 23, 2007. They requested a written statement after I got out of the hospital. I faxed it to them February 27, 2007 but did not hear anything back until late March or early April (I can't really remember). A federal investigator had contacted me and wanted to pursue my case. He sent me sworn affadavits to sign and wanted all the evidence I could provide.
I was struggling with the choice because things have changed at my job the past few weeks. My team leader has completely changed his attitude toward me. Another reason I was questioning my decision was because Directv did clear my record of the attendance occurrences I incurred while I was in the hospital. However, their recent actions and behavior does not excuse the initial repugnant treatment.
I damned near went home on January 22nd and killed myself because the things they told me Read more:Equal
, Opportunity
, Commission
Battle of the Bulge 2007-05-13 23:05:30 Current Mood: I was going through some old clothes earlier. I was trying them on so I could decide what to keep and what to donate. There were several pairs of shorts and jeans that I haven't fit into in a couple years that fit me now. I have very mixed emotions about losing weight.
Part of me was ecstatic because they are really cute clothes, but another part of me was freaking out because I'm losing pounds and inches. Nick even mentioned that I'm losing weight. Men don't usually notice that sort of thing.
A couple months ago I had gone to a doctor to get diet pills. I only took them for a month because I changed my mind about trying to lose weight.
It's easy to use my weight as a wall against people, especially since many people are superficial (to a certain degree) and can't see past someone's appearance, to keep them from getting too close to me. It's a protective layer that I am struggling to let go of. I have been a big woman for a long ti Read more:Battle
Backsliding 2007-05-11 22:46:01 Current Mood: Earlier, while I was in the shower, I was thinking about some things. The appointment I had with Charlotte (new counselor) earlier today really got me thinking about my recovery and how it should be number one in my life right now. I've been slipping the past two months. I stopped going to see my therapist. Before I stopped going, I was seeing my therapist once or twice a week and a counselor once a week. I haven't seen him since March. I saw a counselor twice in April. I was supposed to go to at least two groups a week, but I haven't been to a group since right after I was discharged from Brookhaven.
The only reason I went to see Charlotte is because it was time to update my treatment plan. If I didn't go in and have it updated then they will stop filling my prescriptions. Another I went was because I have to get the FMLA paperwork filled out for my job, so I can take off when I need to for bipolar days and not get fired for it. I'm finally elig
My 28th Birthday 2007-05-10 06:39:10 Current Mood: It's official, I'm 28 years old now. My birthday blew goat balls.
I woke up at 7am because I heard McKayla and McKenzie playing. Jess brought them over for Mom to babysit. I got up and went to the living room because I wanted to play with them for a little while. I went outside to smoke a cigarette and saw a cop parked right outside the house. I asked Mom what was going on and she said that someone stole her car from the driveway.
I was like WTF? Mom's car was parked by the garage, Randy's truck was behind it, and my explorer was behind his truck. My car would have been easier to steal, but (luckily) I have an alarm. I would have been on the warpath if my car had been stolen (especially on my birthday.)
I had to listen to Mom vent about her car, which under normal circumstances would have been fine, but it was my birthday and the last thing I wanted to do was listen to her bitching all day. I played with the girls for quite awhile. McKenzie and me are Read more:Birthday
My Snakes 2007-05-05 02:45:34 Slideshow of all of my snakes. They're cute
.
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Read more:Snakes
Almost Another Year Older 2007-05-02 01:34:01 Tomorrow is my birthday. I can't believe I'll be 28 already. The past seven years have flown by.
The last 25 years have been one helluva rollercoaster. I guess that's one of the things I have to deal with since I'm bipolar. Oh well, I can't say my life has been boring, even when I wished it was. It is finally starting to level out though and I feel more in control of my life now than I ever did in the past. Let's hope it stays that way.
I'm not sure what I'm doing on my birthday, but Saturday Dudney and Tori are throwing me a party. Hopefully we'll have the pool and grill set up by then.
I will probably drink, but I don't plan to get drunk. I got drunk for the first time since New Year's Eve on May 20th. I had planned on drinking, so I didn't take my meds. I had made a gallon of Sex on the Beach because Nick, Tori, Dudney, Amber and Adam had been drinking too. I have been forbidden to drink any vodka except for Skyy because a Read more:Almost
Sealed with a Kiss 2007-05-01 11:40:37 Current Mood: I was over at Nick's earlier. Tonight was the first night I've seen him since the weekend before last. After the weekend of the 20th I needed a break from him. I hung out with the girls and had a good time.We've talked every day, we just didn't see each other. The absence did me good, I was able to step back and evaluate the situation. I actually missed him a little bit. I was surprised.
Wednesday, we talked about give dating a shot, but didn't make a decision. I know I said he was in the friend zone, and he was, but things change. I have been letting my guard down bit by bit and and I don't feel like a fortress anymore. I'm getting comfortable and I've been truly opening up to him - which is a HUGE step for me.
We talked a lot tonight. We were outside for about an hour - without his roommate. I wanted to pull him toward me and kiss him several times, but I didn't. Eventually, I got the balls to pull him toward me. I was Read more:Sealed
Big Day 2007-04-30 11:52:44 Current Mood: I found Osiris this morning before I left for work!
I was walking out of the kitchen and he was crawling in. I was so happy to see him. I figured I'd find him after I bought Isis and Ra. So now I have 3 snakes… the more the merrier, right? I'm glad I have that big tank now.
I bought some crickets for Anubis because he wasn't eating the mealworms. He ate a lot of the crickets. I wish he'd hurry up and finish the rest though because they keep chirping and it's annoying as hell.
When I got home there was a letter waiting on me from a federal investigator with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. He sent me some sworn affadavits and questionnaires he wants me to complete and return. After almost two months of investigating it, he wants to pursue my case.
I feel a little guilty about filing the complaint now because my team lead has been really nice lately and my job seems secure since the occurrences were wiped out. I know the only Read more:Big Day
New Pets 2007-04-28 11:24:32 I got more unpacking and decorating done today. Dudney and I went to the bar/laundry because we still haven't got the washer from Mom's storage. Afterwards, we went shopping.
I bought two snakes, a male and a female. They are both ball pythons. The female is a high morph. I named her Isis and the male Ra. I still hope I find Osiris. Since I bought them I probably will find him.
I also bought 2 new bongs, 2 more blacklights, and another disco ball. I also got several more candle holders. I'm a candle freak.
Nick has been giving me hell about all the money I've been spending the past few days. It irritates him that I make my own money and don't have to depend on him. We aren't together, but after last weekend, it may be coming soon.
This is the first weekend he hasn't been up my ass since he helped us move into the new house. I miss him a little.
Another Productive Day 2007-04-27 20:12:22 Current Mood: I got a bunch of unpacking done today. I got all those boxes of Mom's off the front porch. They were driving me crazy… they looked so damn tacky. After I got it clean I decided it needed flowers so I went to Walmart. Mom had been babysitting McKenzie, but I decided to take her with me. While I was looking at flowers I saw a pool and a barbeque grill I wanted so I bought them.
The pool is 18ft x 4ft. I also got a bunch of pool toys and lights and stuff… I'm such a impulse shopper.
When McKenzie and I got back home we started planting the flowers. It was the first time I've ever done any gardening. McKenzie is 2 1/2 now and got in the way more than she helped, but we bonded. I have to admit that I haven't paid her much attention since McKayla was born. I know that's messed up, but I couldn't help it. McKayla is my flesh and blood and I love her more than I do McKenzie, but I'm trying to stop showing favoritism.
After Jess p
Osiris 2007-04-21 12:52:09 Current Mood: Last night, I passed out before Nick and I took our flirtation to the bedroom.
I got up and went to turn Osiris' day light on and he was gone. He ran away
I guess the correct term would be "he slithered away," but that has negative connotations to it.
I had him in the big tank. Petco didn't have a screen lid big enough for him in stock so I got the biggest they had, which was 24 x 12. I used foil on the other end as a temporary hold until they got the right size in. Apparently, he broke through it. I have no idea where he is. I looked for him a little, but there are still boxes all over the place because mom keeps bringing in more shit.
I'm sad. I've had him for about 14 months and I've gotten attached to him. I really hope I find him soon.
Mom and Tori freaked when they found out he escaped. They are scared shitless of snakes. I've tried to tell them that he is a very gentle snake and doesn't bite, but they don't real
The Evils of Meth (part 2) 2007-04-18 01:31:46 I had to have her committed to a state psychiatric hospital about four years ago because she was so strung out and paranoid she became a danger to herself and everyone she came into contact with. She thought that the government had implanted a camera in her eye and a microphone in her ear. She thought everyone was plotting to kill her. She thought the north star was a helicopter the government was using to follow her. She heard voices telling her things like Jess (my sister) was kidnapped and burnt alive - she had even convinced herself that she smelled Jess' flesh and hair burning.
I was living with my sister and grandparents at the time all of that was happening. My grandpa wanted to help her, so he made her come stay with us. Grandpa supervised her all day. He had gone to bed, but she was still awake (she still had a lot of dope in her system and she hadn't been to sleep in a few days). I was awake as well because I was usually up really late at night, talking to Erick onl
The Evils of Meth (part 1) 2007-04-17 23:29:58 The house we moved into is an older house. It has two bathrooms, but the main one doesn't have a shower. I love to take candlelit bubble baths when I really need to relax, but when I'm just trying to get clean, I prefer a quick shower. I bought one of those hand-held shower-heads that slip over the tub spout… it didn't work worth a damn unless I barely turned the water on, so that idea was a bust.
When Nick and his dad were installing my ceiling fan I asked his dad (Granddaddy Big Nut) how much it would be to put in a shower head. He used to be a plumber so I knew he would know. He said the easiest and cheapest way to go about it would be to get a "add-a-shower" tub spout and then connect a handheld shower-head to it.
I ordered one online from home depot, the damned thing was over $30 before shipping. It arrived today. Nick and his dad happened to stop by, so I put them to work again. To my dismay, after removing the spout, Bob discovered that the piping
Off the Wagon 2007-04-15 23:48:46 Current Mood: Last night, I drank for the first time since New Years. I didn't get drunk, but I definitely caught a buzz.
I didn't take my meds, so I didn't have to worry about any adverse interaction. I had one alien secretion (midori, malibu, and pineapple juice) and six buttery nipples (layered buttershots and bailey's) - I can't believe I got tipsy from that. I used to be able to slam at least 11 shots of jager before I got tipsy. I guess almost four months without a drink lowered my tolerance. I took a sip of jager and it was nasty as hell.
I'm proud to report that I didn't have any urges to cut or otherwise physically injure myself.
Recovery, work, and life in general is going well for the time being. My meds seem to have me balanced finally. I still have a lot of work to do on myself though. Right now I'm reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It makes a lot of sense so far.
Nick spent the night again. He didn' Read more:Wagon
My New Pet 2007-04-14 17:46:20 Nick came over last evening and spent the night. (He's still here actually) We didn't really do anything. We watched movies and got high mostly. Nick is in the friend zone whether he knows it or not. I made him go shopping with me. I had to go to Petco to get Osiris' dinner. I bought a baby leopard gecko for Osiris' old tank and got the stuff to set up the proper environment for him.
I also bought some new stuff for Osiris. He had outgrown his rock, so I got him a big half log to curl up in, a bigger heating pad, and a new basking tree. I named the gecko Anubis (yeah, I have a thing for Egyptian mythology).
The rat I bought for Osiris's dinner was a little bigger than the last few and it took him a little longer than usual to get it swallowed, but he made it. I didn't record or take pictures of his feeding this time. The novelty of it has worn off. I still watched the initial attack though (that part is cool to see).
It rained most of the day, but I didn&#
Productive Day - Finally 2007-04-13 15:06:20 I was off work today, so I decided I should actually be productive.
I cleaned out that huge aquarium (24×36x16) mom gave me for Osiris. He's about five feet now and he was getting cramped up in his thirty gallon reptile tank. He shed a couple nights ago, so I had to clean out that tank as well. I always feed him a few days after he sheds, so I'll have to go to Petco later to get him a rat.
The tank Osiris is in now is a reptile tank, not an aquarium. The difference between the two is that his tank is taller than most aquariums and it has vents on each side, so I can't put fish in it. I want to get something for it though, so I'll check on that when I go to Petco tonight.
We are using the dining room as an office and it was full of boxes and computers and desks. My computer was the only one set up. (It was one of the first things I did when we moved in… I'm such a geek.) I moved my computer across the room to the other corner and moved the other tw Read more:Finally
Daddy Big Nut 2007-04-12 12:13:43 Current Mood: Nick quit working at the shop and opened up a fencing business with his dad. Tuesday night after he got off work, he came over to hang out with me. I talked him into installing my new ceiling fan. His dad had all the tools in his truck, so Nick called him. Robert (Nick's daddy) brought the tools and decided to stick around and help.
(Men are good for some things after all)
I met Bob once before when me and Nick were dating last summer. He's a cool guy and funny as hell. I just found out he used to be a preacher… I wouldn't have guessed that in a hundred years. My mom got here awhile after Robert did, so I had to introduce her to him. I was a little embarrassed of her because she was smoking a joint and was breaking some bud up on the coffee table. Robert ignored it and when he turned around Nick covered it up.
Robert tried to make a joke about his name and my mom's name being similar (her name is Roberta). It was still a little tense. I cha Read more:Daddy
Bad Girls, Bad Girls, Whatcha Gonna Do…? 2007-04-11 23:13:27 There was another cop infestation of my street last night. This time they weren't after Jonathan though.
Around 11:30pm I was laying on the couch watching tv until I got tired enough to go to sleep. I heard a man's voice outside the window and then I heard another man cough. My car has been burglarized before (a couple months after I moved into my old apartment), so I thought maybe someone was messing with my car. I opened up the front door and looked outside and there were 7 cop cars lined up from my house to the end of the block (3 other houses).
I hadn't ever heard their sirens, so they had sneaked up all stealth-like. I was wondering what the hell was going on, but I didn't want to stand out on the porch and gawk with them that close, so I went back in the house and went to a window.
I saw a couple cops go to my neighbor's door (my landlord) and beat on it. A little while later I heard them beating on a side window and yelling at someone. I heard a woman&# Read more:hellip
, Girls
, Bad Girls
Day Off 2007-04-10 17:41:09 I was off work today, but I had to get up early for a counseling appointment. It had been two weeks since I saw the counselor and it's been almost 2 weeks since I've seen my therapist. I need to make an appointment and go see him soon.
I may be feeling better now, but I know I need to keep with it if I want to actually heal. I have to face all the bad shit first. I have to stop trying to ignore it. All of that is easier said than done though. It's so much easier to continue to deal with it all the same way I did in the past. Trying to learn and implement healthy coping methods is hard - especially since I've been conditioned to be dysfunctional from birth. I'm trying to re-parent myself.
Katie, my counselor, gave me a workbook on anger management. She wants me to work through it. I think it will help since the main trigger for my self-injury is anger.
After counseling I went shopping. I needed some things for the new house. I had to pick out curtains. I'm
Nick & Noah 2007-04-07 15:14:18 Current Mood: Sunday, I talked Nick into helping me move. He stayed with me until Wednesday. I think the only reason he left then is because we both had to go back to work. He has called me several times a day since and he was dropping all sorts of hints while he was here. It's been almost a year since we first "hooked up." I have a feeling he wants to rekindle our relationship - again.
He was even playing nice with my mother. She likes him and she is hinting that she wants me to get back together with him. It's not something I'm completely opposed to, but I'm not going to rush into anything. I want things to go SLOOOOW. I'm still in a volatile place in my recovery and I don't want to take something on that can mess it all up - and a romantic relationship I'm not ready for definitely has that potential.
In the past, the trigger that almost always resulted in cutting or bloodletting was extreme anger. One of the things that caused extreme a
The Horror of Blimps 2007-04-06 13:36:56 I was surfing the web earlier (I should have been unpacking, writing, working on my site, or doing something productive - but I wasn't) and I found something that made me laugh almost hard enough to pee in my comfy little office chair. Many people have read it I'm sure, but I'm going to post it here for the poor deprived souls who haven't read it yet.
The Horror of Blimps
by Scylla
Last week while traveling, I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellers hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium, put batteries in it, and you have a radio control indoor blimp.
I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!
Last night my wife was playing tennis, and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a pa
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