Owner: Bipolarchick.net: Reflections of a Crazy Life URL:http://bipolarchick.net/blog Join Date: Sat, 15 Sep 2007 23:03:14 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Young woman blogging about her life, being bipolar, self-injury, recovery, triggers, fear, failure, past abuse, relationships, dating, sexcapades, current struggles & other issues, as well as advocating for others diagnosed with mental illness. Site statistics:Click here
Meds 2007-08-20 01:28:19 Current Mood:
I went to my other psychiatrist today because I'm still having a problem with the anxiety and my other psychiatrist has already tried me on everything she writes prescriptions for. Every single one I've tried so far either didn't work or the side effects were intolerable. The last one she tried me on was Risperdal. I've been on it for almost 3 months. The side effects I've noticed are more migraines, groggy, lethargic, and it made my periods almost non-existent.
Dr. Reid took me off the Risperdal and gave me a three week supply of Abilify. One of my psychiatrists at Brookhave tried me on that, but it knocked me on my ass. I figured out why, they started me out on 10mg. Starter dose is supposed to be 2mg. I've been on the Abilify for about 5 days. I've noticed some changes already.
The anxiety has diminished a bit and my mood has drastically improved. So far the side effects I've noticed are minor. It gives me very vivid dreams, bu
The Domino Effect 2007-08-19 22:03:10 Current Mood: Those of us who have a mental illness tell ourselves many of the things on the list in my previous post, but most of those statements hurt like hell when they come from other people, even when they are just trying to be helpful. The reason it hurts is because it implies that it's our fault we’re ill.
>Many people assume we aren't even putting forth an effort since they can't see immediate results, but that assumption is grossly incorrect. Most mental illnesses make it almost impossible for us to function during an episode – no amount of will or effort will change it; we just have to ride it out.
On bad days, 'snap out of it!' may get me as far as getting out of bed - if I'm lucky. Or it may get a 'shut the hell up and leave me alone' response. On those days, doing something as simple as brushing my hair, changing my clothes or taking a shower is a huge victory.
On really bad days, no matter how much I try to motivate or sham
Things NOT to Say to Someone with a Mental Illness 2007-08-18 23:17:00 The most important thing to know about mentally ill people is that we need your patience, compassion, empathy, acceptance, respect, and encouragement - not indifference, prejudice, criticism, rejection, disrespect, or intolerance.
Things you say to a person struggling with a mental illness1 can profoundly affect him or her. Words can cut through us like a red-hot scalpel, which can trigger a worse episode, self-injury, or even suicide. We beat ourselves up enough; we don't need others, especially ones who claim to care about us to do it as well.
Sensitivity and consideration go a long way when talking with a mentally ill person. Unfortunately, people frequently ignore, insult, or ridicule us. Oftentimes, it is unintentional and committed without malice, but that does not make it any less shameful, upsetting, or hurtful.
I have compiled a list of SOME2 of the worst things you can say to us during an episode, especially a depressive episode. Granted, a few of the following stateme Read more:Things NOT
Rebirth 2007-08-17 01:10:30 Current Mood: A lot of lip service is paid to the importance of eating healthy, exercising, and getting enough sleep. I dismissed those ideas like they had no importance whatsoever. I rarely paid attention to those ideas in the past because on some level I didn't care. I didn't want to be healthy and I resented my body. In fact, I tortured it.
I could wax philosophical about my reasoning all day, but regardless of why, the fact is that I just didn't give a damn about it. However, I need to understand the cause(s). I have to understand why I purposely abused my body before I can permanently change it.
I hated my body for so long. I didn't hate it because I'm not some tall, blonde, super-thin Barbie doll figure. I hated my body because it was vulnerable and it made me vulnerable. I hated it for attracting my step-father, five step-cousins, my step-uncle, two of Tori's uncles, two of my cousins, and a three neighbors. Fourteen people I had trusted se Read more:Rebirth
Baby Steps 2007-08-16 09:46:50 Current Mood: Over the past two months or so, without Nick in my life, things have stablized and I've been happy-ish. I haven't had the slightest urge to self-injure since I cut him out of my life.
I've been having fun, great sex, and making progress in recovery since I ended things with him. His life on the other hand has pretty much fallen apart since we broke up (according to him).
I miss his friendship somewhat, but I'm perfectly fine without him in my life. In fact, I think I'm a lot better without him. I'm not saying everything was his fault, but he had a very negative effect on me, intentional or not - the end result is the same. I had started cutting again because he was killing me emotionally. Again, I'm not saying he "made" me do it because he didn't. Cutting was my reaction to the emotions that were stirred up by his actions or lack thereof.
I didn't like who I was before Nick and I hooked up, but I hated the perso
The Options 2007-08-12 05:07:09 To live a life where weakness and fear dominate.
To breath a breath and beg God for a break.
Hate-filled days and bruises to keep -
Terror - filled nights cut the psyche deep.
Few understand the strength you have to know -
To take abuse for someone weaker, gaining more bruises to show.
Learning not to feel so to keep my mind.
Hating to hate, and even the kind are unkind.
Strength is another weakness if left unknown.
There are only two options for we who was left alone:
Live a life after defeat and never learn to feel.
Take slow breaths, and watch a future croak and keel.
or
Learn from something awful and get your convictions straight.
Find an inner strength to love and motivate.
Your past doesn't define your future and excuses are for the weak.
All battles from here are before you, know what they are and for what you seek.
The secret to any life can't be found hiding behind an unopened door.
Take a deep breath and find something worth fighting for.
by Ricky Webb
Read more:Options
A Fat Rant 2007-08-11 22:55:40 Current Mood: I love this video!
Beyond Mania and Depression 2007-08-10 04:30:09 The following video explains what bipolar disorder is and how it goes beyond mania and depression.
Read more:Mania
Types of Bipolar Disorder 2007-08-05 05:38:51 Current Mood: The bipolar classifications in this post are loosely paraphrased from the DSM-IV—Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition published by the American Psychiatric Association, research by the National Institute of Mental Health, and interviews with leading bipolar experts.
Bipolar
I
This is the most severe type of bipolar disorder and the classic type. A diagnosis of Bipolar I requires at least one full-blown manic episode some time during a person's life that doctors cannot attribute to another cause, such as a medication or substance abuse. The manic episode must last at least one week, or be serious enough to require hospitalization or cause functional impairment in some aspect of a person's life (marriage, career, finances, etc.). Interestingly, a major depressive episode is not required to be diagnosed with this form of bipolar disorder, but it is almost always present and usually even much more common than the manic episodes.
B
Violence and Mental Illness: The Facts 2007-08-03 05:36:39 Current Mood: The discrimination and stigma associated with mental illnesses largely stem from the link between mental illness and violence in the minds of the general public, according to the U.S. Surgeon General 1. The belief that persons with mental illness are dangerous is a significant factor in the development of stigma and discrimination 2. The effects of stigma and discrimination are profound. The President’s New Freedom Commission on Mental Health found that, “Stigma leads others to avoid living, socializing, or working with, renting to, or employing people with mental disorders - especially severe disorders, such as schizophrenia. It leads to low self-esteem, isolation, and hopelessness. It deters the public from seeking and wanting to pay for care. Responding to stigma, people with mental health problems internalize public attitudes and become so embarrassed or ashamed that they often conceal symptoms and fail to seek treatment 3.”
This link is often promoted by the Read more:Violence
Bipolar Disorder Statistics 2007-08-01 18:11:05 Who is Affected by Bipolar
Disorder?
* Bipolar disorder affects approximately 5.7 million adult Americans, or about 2.6% of the U.S. population age 18 and older every year. 1
* The median age of onset for bipolar disorder is 25 years 2, although the illness can start in early childhood or as late as the 40's and 50's.
* An equal number of men and women develop bipolar illness and it is found in all ages, races, ethnic groups and social classes.
* More than two-thirds of people with bipolar disorder have at least one close relative with the illness or with unipolar major depression, indicating that the disease has a heritable component. 3
Women and Bipolar Disorder
* Although bipolar disorder is equally common in women and men, research indicates that approximately three times as many women as men experience rapid cycling. 4
* Other research findings indicate that women with bipolar disorder may have more depressive episodes and more mixed episodes than do men with the illness Read more:Statistics
Obloquy of a Cutter 2007-07-30 13:15:39 Cutting is my most destructive addiction.
I started cutting myself when I was twelve - after my first suicide attempt. It wasn't a suicidal behavior. In fact, self-injuring was my coping mechanism for life. It's what kept me from killing myself. Granted it wasn't a constructive or healthy method, but it worked. Until December 2005 I hadn't cut since high school.
I'm not quite certain what caused me to start doing it again in the first place. There are several possibilities: maybe it was the need to release pent up emotions (rage, shame, guilt, hatred, anger, fear); maybe I wanted to punish myself; maybe I felt I deserved it; maybe it helped me regain control; maybe it distracted me from all the emotional pain; maybe I used my blood as a substitute for tears. It was probably a combination of all those things.
Regardless of why I did it, the need consumed me until it drowned out everything else and all I could think of was seeing my blood running down a drain, fi Read more:Cutter
Family Reunion 7-29-07 2007-07-30 04:56:59 Current Mood: My uncle Don has been visiting since Friday. He drove up from San Antonio with his boyfriend, Raymond, and their dog, Heidi. He moved back down there a couple years ago. Since he's in town my grandparents decided to have a get-together. The entire family (from my grandparents down) was there, except Jeff's kids from his first marriage, and my brother, David. David couldn't be there because he's currently incarcerated. Jo-Jo and Lexi couldn't be there because their mom hasn't let Jeff see them since he got remarried.
My Uncle Don's wife, Majel, her son, James Jr, and her brother, Dudney (who is also one of my roomies), were also there. Uncle Don is still legally married to my Aunt Majel, but they have been separated since he came "out of the closet" when Tori was about 2 years old. Joe, (one of my roomies), Gerald (Jess' fiancee), Carah (Jeff's wife), Lisa (Uncle Brad's ex-stepdaughter), Miranda (Lisa's da Read more:Family
The Little Girl by John Michael Montgomery 2007-07-23 04:20:09 I like this song. It moves me.
Her parents never took the young girl to church.
Never spoke of his name never read her his word.
Two non believers walking lost in this world
took their baby with them what a sad little girl;
Her daddy drank all day and mommy did drugs.
never wanted to play or give kisses & hugs.
She'd watched the tv and sit there on the couch
while her mom feel asleep and her daddy went out
And the drinking and the fighting
just got worse every nite.
Behind their couch she'd be hiding
oh what a sad little life..
And like it always does the bad just got worse.
with every slap and every curse
Until her daddys in a drunk rage one nite
Used a gun on her mom and then took his life
And some ppl from the city took the girl far away
To a new Mom and a new Dad
Kisses & Hugs every day!
Her first day at Sunday school
The teacher walked in
and a small little girl stared at a picture of him;
She said I know that man
there on that cross I don't know his name
b Read more:Michael
, Montgomery
Traveling Woman 2007-07-19 22:23:17 Current Mood: uninhibited | wishful | | adventurous | Places I love:
Dallas; KCMO; Florida; San Antonio
Places I’ve been:
Texas: Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, Austin, Killeen, Waco, Grand Prairie, Harker Heights
Oklahoma: OKC, Lawton, Ponca City, New Kirk, Okmulgee, Catoosa, Claremore, Haskell, Muskogee, Henrietta, Cushing, Prue, Cleveland, Jennings, Sapulpa, Bixby, Owasso, Collinsville, Broken Arrow, Skiatook, Turley, Sperry, etc (duh I live in OK)
Nebraska: North Platte, McCook, Curtis
Kansas: Wichita, Topeka, Kansas City, Salina
Arkansas: Flint Creek, Fayetteville, Ft Smith
Missouri: Joplin, Springfield, Kansas City
Tennessee: Nashville
Kentucky: drove through
Georgia: drove through
Alabama: drove through
Florida: Jacksonville, Pompano Beach, Ft Lauderdale, Miami
Places I want to go:
Ireland
England
Greece
Italy
Egypt
Salem, MA
Boston, MA
NYC
Las Vegas
New Zealand
Dream Vacation:
going to every GC show on an entire tour - with the GC OGs Read more:Traveling
My Interests and Preferred Pastimes 2007-07-18 22:52:30 Current Mood: | hypomanic |
I listened to Me First and The Gimme Gimmes - Uptown Girl while writing this post
Current Mood: Under the influence of (I could tell ya, but then I'd have to kill ya.)
;)
People have told me that I’m an eclectic person. I agree. I believe my having bipolar disorder is a large part of who I am; what I’m like; and what I enjoy doing in my spare time.
I’m interested in: advocating for other mentally ill people; photography; writing; music; blogging; web design; computers; internet; reading; genealogy, astrology, tarot, numerology, the ‘occult’; politics; activism; volunteering; weaving; beading; painting; herbalism, Wicca, and learning about other religions of the world.
There are other things I enjoy doing as well. For instance, I love going to concerts. Actually, it’s my favorite thing to do. I also enjoy road trips and seeing new places. I haven’t ever been on an airplane yet, but eventually I want to travel extensively.
I treasu Read more:Interests
My Jung Personality Type: INFP (Questor/Idealist/Healer) 2007-07-12 02:26:24 Current Mood: INFP: (Questor/Idealist/Healer
)This personality type has a high capacity for caring and a high sense of honor derived from internal values. Only about 1% of the general population has this personality type.
Healer Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in striving for their ends, and informative and introverted in their interpersonal relations. Healer present a seemingly tranquil, and noticeably pleasant face to the world, and though to all appearances they might seem reserved, and even shy, on the inside they are anything but reserved, having a capacity for caring not always found in other types. They care deeply-indeed, passionately-about a few special persons or a favorite cause, and their fervent aim is to bring peace and integrity to their loved ones and the world. Healers have a profound sense of idealism derived from a strong personal morality, and they conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place. Indeed, to understand Healers, we must Read more:Personality
Cops Suck 2007-06-26 15:50:56 Current Mood: On the way home from a shopping spree with one of my roommates, I was stopped by a cop. We were less than a mile from our house.
I saw the cop when I was at the top of the hill; long before he pulled me over. I had hastily put my seatbelt on before I got close enough for him to see that I didn't have one on and I looked at my speedometer to make sure I wasn’t speeding.
The speed limit was 30mph and I was going 33mph so I tapped the brake. We passed by him and less than 30 seconds later he was behind my Explorer, sirens blaring, and lights flashing.
I started cussing immediately. He walked up to the window and had attitude, so I copped an attitude with him. Police officer or not, if someone doesn’t show me respect I return the favor.
I sharply asked him why he pulled me over and he said I was speeding. He said, ‘You were going 39 in a 30.’
I said, ‘No I wasn’t. I know for a fact I wasn’t going that fast because I checked my speed as soon as
Concrete Angel by Martina McBride 2007-06-23 04:16:38 This song touches me.
She walks to school with the lunch
She packed
Nobody knows what she's
Holdin' back
Wearin' the same dress
She wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with linen
And lace
oh;oh
The teacher wonders but she
Doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain
Behind the mask
Bearing the burden
Of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was
Never born
Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where
She's loved
Concrete angel
Somebody cries in the middle
Of the night
The neighbors hear, but they turn
Out the lights
A fragile soul caught in the hands
Of fate
When morning comes
It'll be too late
Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where
She's loved
Concrete angel
A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an uptu Read more:Martina
, McBride
, Martina McBride
What's Good For the Goose… 2007-06-22 11:38:54 Current Mood: Nick called me yesterday afternoon to see if it was okay for him and his dad to come over for lunch. I let them. It was the perfect opportunity for him to see the hickey.
I wanted to show Nick that he isn't my world and that I can easily replace him. I don't need his bullshit and I sure as hell don't have to put up with it.
I was in the kitchen making lunch when they arrived. Bob (Nick's dad) was talking to me. He kept looking at the hickey, but didn't say a single word about it. Nick came in and he saw it immediately. It wasn't a huge hickey. It wasn't even dark, but it was still there - it was actually demanding more attention than the dark ones because it looked like I tried to cover it up. There was just enough of one to say, "Hey, look at me! Here I am! Oh yeah, can ya feel that, buddy?!? How does your own medicine taste?"
I acted as if I didn't even know I had been marked. I watched "Flightplan" with Nick Read more:hellip
Bands I've Seen Live (well, the ones I remember) 2007-06-21 21:59:01 Current Mood: I am a major concert junkie. I have been to lots of shows.
10+ x's
Good Charlotte (10)
6-9 x’s
Reliant K (6)
3-5 x’s
ICP (4)
Simple Plan (5)
Smile Empty Soul (3)
Three Days Grace (3)
Twice
Breaking Benjamin
Buckcherry
Crossfade
Eve 6
Goldfinger
Puddle of Mudd
Twiztid
Once
(hed) PE
2 Live Crew
ABK
Alien Ant Farm
Blaze
Brother Kane
Cake
Candlebox
Coal Chamber
Cold
Cypress Hill
Def Leopard
Dynamite Hack
Evanescence
Everlast
Faith No More
Fuel
Garth Brooks
Godsmack
Hailstorm
Hank Williams Jr
Hazen Street
Hoobastank
Hurt
Icehouse
Joan Jett
John Anderson
Kid Rock
Korn
Lifehouse
Linkin Park
Lola Ray
Marcy Playground
Mercy Fall
Mest
Mudvayne
MxPx
Nelly
New Found Glory
Oleander
Orgy
Pillar
P.O.D.
Red
Saliva
Seether
Sevendust
Shindown
Sinikil
SR-71
Staind
Story of the Year
Stretch Armstrong
Sum 41
Tantric
The Cult
The Daestro
Tone Loc
V Shape Mind
Weezer
—————&mdas Read more:Bands
The Excitement of a New Lover 2007-06-21 02:03:50 Current Mood: I got some good dick last night and it wasn't Nick's little pecker. In the past, I would have felt like I cheated and a part of me still does I think. However, Nick and I are officially non-exclusive so I shouldn't feel guilty for being sexual with other men. Therefore, I refuse to feel guilty for getting my needs met.
I'm sick of feeling undesirable. If Nick doesn't want me sexually, that's his loss. I'm tired of waiting for him to be ready. I've never had a problem finding lovers. There are lots of men that will be more than happy to pick up his slack.
The past two months my sex drive wasn't what it used to be, so it didn't really bother me that he wanted us to wait. However, it has been coming back full force and I can't be patient with him any longer. I know he is hung up on his small dick and I've tried to reassure him that doesn't matter to me, I just need to feel desired by him.
I've used sex Read more:Excitement
Unfinished Letter to Nick 2007-06-20 08:26:02 Current Mood: "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear — not absence of fear." - Mark Twain
Some of the things you read here may sound irrational, but I can't help it. It's nothing against you personally, it's just how I feel. Please, read the whole thing before you pass judgment. Opening up and being completely honest may push you way even more, but I can't hold this in any longer or I'm going to pop. Keep in mind, nothing I say here is meant to hurt you or cause you to feel negatively in any way.
It seems like you have been pulling away from me the past two weeks. Things haven't been the same since the day after I relapsed and told you that I was scared because I was starting to care about you.
I wish it was just a coincidence and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems more than that to me. I know I acted up big time during and after the concert last night. I hate the way I feel and think right now, I don't know Read more:Unfinished
, Letter
Self-Analysis 2007-06-19 03:16:55
I’m bipolar so a lot of my qualities contradict each other.
I'm co-dependent. I learned if from my mother and I'm trying to unlearn it.I often allow myself to be dictated to in romantic relationships.
One of the main reasons my romantic relationships have been disastrous is because the relationship I had with my biological father.I didn't know him very well. He was in and out of prison my entire childhood and adolescence. We had a blowout and I haven't spoken to him since I was 18.
When he was in my life he expected me to act a certain way & and tried to control every aspect of my life. He was an extremely controlling and violent man. He beat my mother when they were together. He killed her once, but she was revived.
Eventually, he rejected me.
Since then most of my important romantic relationships were somewhat paternalistic; I loved unconditionally but I the love was only returned under certain conditions. I would do my best to meet those conditions, but Read more:Analysis
Random Introspection 2007-06-17 19:11:46 I took a Valium mom gave me and smoked a bowl with Mom and Tori. I feel a little better. The pain is still inside, but it is far enough away that I don't feel like my insides are being ripped apart.
I have a little peace - mission accomplished - exactly what I hoped for. Now I understand how people can allow themselves to get addicted to drugs. All that pain, fear, anger, anxiety, and misery are silenced, even if only for a little while and I can finally fucking relax.
You do whatever you have to do in order to survive whether it is checking into a hospital, cutting, bloodletting, getting drunk, smoking pot, shooting up, binge eating, snorting coke, watching tv - doing whatever it takes to escape the pain long enough to let your will to live kick in.
If the only way I can survive is by drowning myself in men, shopping, food, jager, or my own blood then why do I even want to survive? What kind of life is that?
——————————&m Read more:Random
, Introspection
I Didn't Run Nick Off… Yet 2007-06-13 15:57:27 Current Mood: Nick and I barely talked Sunday and we didn't talk at all Monday. I was certain I had successfully ran him off, but he started text messaging me yesterday. We flirted for awhile and then he wanted us to spend time together so I picked him up after he got off work. We ended up going to the bar with Joe.
About ten minutes after we arrived some guy I had never met bought me a few jager bombs. I was there with Nick, but why turn down free drinks? That guy had to have seen me walk in with Nick, but he didn't care. After three or four drinks he started acting like I was there with him instead of Nick.
Nick didn't like that and he squashed it pretty fast. He came up behind me and started kissing my neck. Before long we were all over each other and that guy left us alone.
We continued to make out until he noticed the bruises on my arm from the needle. He said that he wished I would find another way to deal with things. I didn't respond and he didn't pre Read more:hellip
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