Owner: Life disguised in humor URL:http://miteshasher.blogspot.com Join Date: Thu, 30 Aug 2007 05:19:46 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Humor jokes,humor pictures,humor in life,funny pictures,india,poems Site statistics:Click here
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand 2007-10-25 23:30:00 10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.8. Crying can be fun.7. Fat clothes.6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.1. Other women! Read more:Women
, Understand
, Top Ten
Short Humor jokes 2007-10-25 23:29:00 • Heght of optimism:Soldier: Sir, we are surrounded!Major: Excellent! We can attack in any direction now!• Said to a railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.Railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?• A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, "Granny, what is a lover?""A lover?" the grandmother said. "Let me think. Lov.... Lover.... Oh, my God!"She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door. She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the closet.• A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ? Read more:Short
, Humor
Adult humor jokes-Clarification 2007-10-25 23:28:00 An elderly couple after long dating period decided to get married.For pre-wedding settlement on finances, cost contribution, memories of prior spouses etc. they went to candle light dinner in a fine restaurant.Topic now was on their physical relationship.'How do you feel about sex?' old dirty man had to ask. 'Well,' she said, responding thoughtfully not to turn away the opportunity,'I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently. 'The puzzled old man looked her in the eye and asked"I'd have to ask - Is that 'in-frequently' one word or two?' Read more:Adult
, Clarification
Short jokes-Sign 2007-10-25 00:04:00 Sign in a pathology: It might be piss and shit for u, but for us it is bread and butter. Read more:Short
Humor jokes-Halloween funnies 2007-10-25 00:03:00 Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?He's all right now---------Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?He was buttering up his teacher.---------How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?With a pumpkin patch.---------What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?"Don't spook until you're spooken to."---------What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?I'm bone to be wild.---------What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?A holy terror. Read more:Humor
, Halloween
Children jokes-Can't concentrate 2007-10-25 00:02:00 The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her 11 year old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?""I can't concentrate
, " he replied. "I've fallen in love.""Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "With whom?""With you," he answered."But Johnny," exclaimed the secretly please young lady, "don't you see how silly that is? I'm much older than you are. What you are feeling is just "puppy love". And while it's true that I would like a husband of my own someday; I don't want a child.""Oh, don't worry," said Johnny reassuringly. "I'll use a condom. Read more:Children
Short Humor jokes 2007-10-23 23:12:00 Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you.Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it. Read more:Short
, Humor
Life-Good quotes 2007-10-23 23:11:00 - People who can hold their tongues rarely have any trouble holding their friends.- A man isn't really poor if he can still laugh.- The man who thinks he knows it all has merely stopped thinking.- If the world laughs at you, laugh right back- it's as funny as you are.- Ability without ambition is like a car without a motor.- Ability will enable a man to get to the top, but it takes character to keep him there.- Adversity is the only diet that will reduce a fat head.- We learn somethings from prosperity, but we leran many more from adversity.- Education is an ornament in prosperity and a refuge in adversity.- Age is what makes furniture worth more and people worth less.- Which do you suppose ages faster - whiskey or the man who drinks it?- Sixty-five is the age when one acquires sufficient experience to loose his job.- Some girls get married for financial security; others get divorced for the same reason.- The more arguments you win, the fewer friends you'll have.- It is impossible t
Adult humor jokes-Women are smart! 2007-10-23 23:10:00 When John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother! Read more:Adult
, Women
Doctor jokes-Observation 2007-10-23 23:07:00 A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation
'.He took out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell, sight, and taste." After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth.His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one,they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head."If any of you had been observant, you would've noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth." Read more:Doctor
Adult jokes-Deteriorating sex life 2007-10-30 23:28:00 A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, guilt and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan."Well," he says to the doctor "A week ago, I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it on the coffee table.""And did you enjoy it?" asked the doctor enthusiastically."Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "somewhat, but the Bible group was kind of surprised." Read more:Adult
Children jokes-Hair humor 2007-10-30 23:28:00 Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning.He got to thinking about things, and asked, "Mommy, why does Daddy have so little hair on his head?""He thinks a lot, dear" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a such good answer to her husband's baldness."Then why do you have so much hair?" asked Little Johnny. Read more:Children
Really funny jokes-The soft drink salesman 2007-10-29 23:35:00 A disappointed soft drink salesman returned from his Middle East assignment. His boss asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very sure to make a good sales pitch as our product wasvirtually unknown there. I didn't know to speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. My first posterwas a man crawling through the hot desert sand, totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our soft drink and third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place""That should have worked," said the boss.The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic but I didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left."
Don't use BIG words 2007-10-29 23:34:00 In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.Let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."
Adult jokes-blonde 2007-10-29 23:33:00 A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, "Open wide.""I can't" replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms." Read more:Adult
You Live in California when... 2007-10-29 23:30:00 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.4. You know how to eat an artichoke.5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. Read more:California
Good jokes-Bad news & good news 2007-10-28 22:45:00 A lawyer goes in to the cell where his client is being held. "Okay, I've some bad news, and some good news.""Right, what's the bad news?""It's DEFINITELY your blood at the scene of the crime.""So what's the good news?""Your cholesterol is way down!"
Children jokes-Little Johnny strikes again! 2007-10-28 22:43:00 One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer and said, "The sky is falling!"The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?"Little Johnny
quickly raised his hand and said, "I think he said; Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!"The teachers passes out, Little Johnny
strikes again! Read more:Children
Adult jokes-Swallowed a contraceptive 2007-10-28 22:42:00 The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night."Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive. "The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again."You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief."My husband just found another one." Read more:Adult
Humor jokes-the argument 2007-10-26 23:18:00 A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says,"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese"."Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."The Chinese replies,"Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same." Read more:Humor
Really funny jokes-The Pessimist 2007-10-26 23:17:00 An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.
Humor jokes-Lawyer & Engineer 2007-10-26 23:16:00 A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.""That's quite a coincidence, " said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."Looking somewhat confused, the lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?" Read more:Humor
, Lawyer
Good jokes-You live in Colorado when.. 2007-10-26 23:14:00 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. Read more:Colorado
More Halloween jokes 2007-11-02 23:34:00 Q: Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?A: He was dead on his feet.-----Q: Why didn't Dracula ever get married?A: He just never found the right ghoul!!!-----Q: Why did the monster eat the tight-rope walker?A: He wanted to eat a well balanced diet!-----Q: When is it bad luck to see a black cat?A: When you're a mouse.-----Q: When do ghosts usually appear?A: Just before someone screams. Read more:Halloween
Halloween jokes-Halloween fancy dress party 2007-11-02 23:32:00 One year at Halloween
, the governor of Illinois was giving a costume party. All the gentry werethere and as they arrived the doorman would announce what their characters were.When one couple arrived, he announced, "Mickey and Minnie Mouse". As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane", and so on as each guest arrived.Later in the evening, a man arrived dress
ed only in a pair of underpants, but apart from thattotally naked from head to toe. "Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman.Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local University Computer Science department, the doorman asked "How shall I announce you?"The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation. ""I'm very sorry sir," said the doorman in obvious shock, "I cannot announce anything like that tosuch a gathering.""Okay." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants."
Short humor jokes-Halloween time! 2007-11-02 23:31:00 Q: What do you get when you goose a ghost?A: A handful of Sheet.Q: Why do witches fly on brooms?A: Because vacuum cleaners are too expensive!Q: Why do ghosts eat only the finest quality health food?A: Because its super-natural!Q: Why are so few ghosts arrested?A: It's hard to pin anything on them. Read more:Halloween
, Short
Short humor jokes-Training exercise 2007-11-02 23:22:00 During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel."Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside."Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "yours is." Read more:Short
, Training
Really funny jokes-Pa Won't Like It 2007-11-02 23:21:00 A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later.""That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to.""Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted."Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.""Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?""Under the wagon."
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