Owner: Hammer Uncut URL:http://www.hammeruncut.com Join Date: Mon, 13 Nov 2006 16:19:13 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Hammer Uncut is both a blog and a podcast, and why not, you're entitled to my opinion. Listen to my semi-socially acceptable podcast for an uncut and unbelievably entertaining hour of interviews, reviews, new music, social commentary, rants, raves, and wh Site statistics:Click here
Christmas Pornaments for Your Tree 2006-12-06 16:02:51 Spencer Gifts is bringing a little more Ho, Ho, Ho to your Christmas
party with their line of X-rated Christmas ornaments. They can be purchased for $9 at area Spencer’s stores and on their website.
The box reads, “Unlike those other elves, we know everyone on the list (even the naughty ones) needs to have a smile and a laugh this time of year.”
However (and you knew this was coming), some concerned citizens (read Christians) are demanding that the pornaments be taken off the shelves. Hillcrest Baptist Church Rev. Jim Patterson says, “It is just sad they have to stoop to this kind of thing to defame Christmas. It says we are nothing more than sexual acts or psychical beings and we are much more than that. We are spiritual beings and this is a spiritual holiday. And, why bring it to that level? It makes no sense to me.”
What makes no sense to me is how a ginger bread man with a penis or two snow people fucking (nice tits) can be seen as defaming Christmas.
Christmas Pornaments for Your Tree 2006-12-06 16:02:51 Spencer Gifts is bringing a little more Ho, Ho, Ho to your Christmas
party with their line of X-rated Christmas ornaments. They can be purchased for $9 at area Spencer’s stores and on their website.
The box reads, “Unlike those other elves, we know everyone on the list (even the naughty ones) needs to have a smile and a laugh this time of year.”
However (and you knew this was coming), some concerned citizens (read Christians) are demanding that the pornaments be taken off the shelves. Baptist Church Reverend Jim Patterson says, “It is just sad they have to stoop to this kind of thing to defame Christmas. It says we are nothing more than sexual acts or psychical beings and we are much more than that. We are spiritual beings and this is a spiritual holiday. And, why bring it to that level? It makes no sense to me.”
What makes no sense to me is how a ginger bread man with a penis or two snow people fucking (nice tits) can be seen as defaming Christmas. Obviou
Scratch and Sniff Ad Snafooed 2006-12-07 20:31:07 A new scratch and sniff marketing campaign has been scrapped by city officials after some idiots raised a stink.
Got Milk? marketing campaign billboards at city bus shelters in San Francisco had been treated with scented oil strips that smelled like fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies. The plan was that the smell would make people waiting on the bus, develop a craving for milk.
Officials ordered the company responsible for putting up the signs to remove the scented strips after critics expressed concern that (get this) they would be offensive to poor and homeless people because they couldn’t afford to buy sweet treats.
You’ve got to be kidding me. Have you ever been in line at a convenience store and seen someone use food stamps? I was in line behind two very large ladies just last week and their cart was loaded with soft drinks, chips, candy and cookies. They paid with food stamps and I didn’t see them buy one single nutritious item.
Unfortunately for the Dairy Counci Read more:Scratch
, Sniff
Loud Sex Against the Law 2006-12-07 19:54:32 A couple from South Africa have been ordered by the village Chief to wait until after 10 pm to have sex.
Neighbors complained to the village elders that the amorous and vocal couple were disturbing their meals and television watching. One neighbor says “I have a nine-year-old boy and he always asks what is happening every time the woman screams.”
Does her kid have a short-term memory problem? It seems to me that after he asked the first time and was told that the lady was just happy, kind of like when someone scores a goal in soccer, that the kid wouldn’t have to ask again the next time.
The couple was initially ordered to stop making noise by the tribal council, but I guess that didn’t work, so the Chief has ruled that they need to limit their love-making sessions to between the hours of 10 pm and 5 am.
I guess they decided that being woken up in the middle of the night was better than turning the television volume up.
loud sex south africa
Go Elf Yourself 2006-12-08 22:09:55 Here’s something fun to send your friends from the folks at Office Max. Upload a photo of yourself, make a few adjustments and poof, you’re an elf.
Here’s mine.
I don’t think they anticipated the server load because it does seem to take a long time to load at times, and I’m not sure how long the image stays on the server or how long the site will be up, so hurry over and Elf Yourself
now. Of course you could elf your friends too. I’m sure they’d forgive you… eventually.
elf yourself office max
Christ Followers Call Christians Dorks 2006-12-09 20:02:41 The Community Christ
ian Church is running a campaign to help “people find their way back to God” with a series of videos parodying the new Mac vs PC commercials, titled “Christian No More”.
The videos are actually well done and quite funny, but the really hilarious part is that they don’t see the fact that they are Christians
making fun of other Christians to make a point. Apparently if you’re a devout Christian, wear a suit to church, carry a bible and listen to Christian music, they’ll laugh at you behind your back and call you a dork.
Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
christians commercials community christian church mac vs. pc youtube
Under New Management 2006-12-09 18:49:03 That has got to be one of the dumbest marketing ideas anyone ever came up with.
I was driving in my car listening to the radio this morning and a commercial comes on making a big deal about this car dealership being under new management. You know what? I couldn’t care less, and although they think the commercial is going to make me take a second look, it won’t.
Let’s suppose that you’d purchased a car from that dealership before and were unhappy with the experience. Would you seriously consider buying a car there now, just because they are under new management?
Now, suppose that you’d never purchased a car from that dealer before. Doesn’t the fact that it’s under new management tell you something about the old management? The logical conclusion is that the old company sold out because they weren’t profitable (probably because of poor management), so now that the commercial has put that negative thought in your mind why would you suspect t Read more:Management
Big Condoms or Tiny Dicks? 2006-12-11 16:14:18 Now we know why India has the most AIDS patients in the world and a population of 1.1 billion people. The men have small penises.
According to a newly released medical study Indian men don’t measure up and most of the condoms on sale in that country are too big. The Indian Council on Medical Research found that 60% of the 1,400 men tested had penises that were at least one inch shorter than international condom sizes and 30% of the men were at least two inches shorter.
Considering how many customers we’re talking about I’m sure the condom manufacturers will jump right on producing Indian-sized condoms. It would be the responsible thing to do.
There is one positive aspect to this report though, because now we know where to find the tighest pussy in the world.
Source: Agence France Presse
Read more:Condoms
Life Imitates Art Borat Style 2006-12-11 14:55:41 Borat Sagdiyev, an unknown reporter from Kazakhstan, came to the U.S. and won over our hearts and brought us a new awareness of his people and maybe some of what we learned from Borat will help us understand this story.
Saparmurat Niyazov, the authoritarian leader (dictator) of Turkmenistan (yeah, that’s a real country) has opened an amusement park in his country’s capital and named it after himself. The World of Turkmenbashi Tales has 54 rides and is intended to teach children a better understand the world and the history and culture of their people.
Niyazov has ordered his people to call him Turkmenbashi, or Father of All Turkmen, hence the name of the amusement park. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m thinking the Father of All Turkmen would be… oh I don’t know… the very first fucking Turkman? I guess maybe he thought the Boss of All Turkmen sounded a little too Soprano like.
I’m hoping that Borat will visit the Turkmenbashi park soon to give Read more:Borat
, Style
Sexy Nurses Raise Blood Pressure 2006-12-11 21:34:52 Let’s say that you owned a Hooters styled, themed restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill and had items on the menu like the Quadruple Bypass Burger and Flatliner Fries and you wanted to really play up the theme by having your waitresses dress appropriately. What do you think you might have them dress like? How about nurses?
Well, of course you would, it’s a no brainer and that’s exactly what Heart Attack Grill owner, Jon Basso did. But, guess what? Yep, some people are complaining about it. Several nurses have filed complaints with the Arizona attorney general’s office.
Sandy Summers, the executive director of the Center for Nursing Advocacy says, "Nurses are the most sexually fantasized-about profession. We're asking people, if they're going to have these fantasies, please don't make it so public. Move these sexual fantasies to other professions"
Let me know when you’ve stopped laughing and I’ll continue.
Move our sexual fantasies to an Read more:Blood
, Pressure
Dating Site for Conservatives and Gays? 2006-12-12 19:00:00 Ultra conservative talk show host, Sean Hannity, has a dating site “where people of like conservative minds can come together to meet”. The name of the site is HanniDate and it works just like any other online dating site except I doubt that you’ll have much success if you’re a liberal.
If you’re familiar with Sean Hannity you know that he’s against gay marriage, but apparently he has no problem with gay’s dating because ‘male seeking male’ is one of the options available. Just for grins I searched, and although I won’t say I found a plethora (nice gay word) of male profiles, there are a few.
Here are some excerpts from a few of the profiles.
Alpha Steve from Decatur, Georgia
I’m aganist the gays. i’m looking for some guy BUDDIES to just horse around with and stuff. general macho guy stuff like punching in the shoulder for no reason and drink beer and agressivly wrasslin around in the yard or the livin room for no Read more:Dating
, Conservatives
New Hope for Blind Hunters 2006-12-13 19:17:03
Texas State Representative Edmund Kuempel has introduced a bill to allow blind people to hunt any game animals that sighted people can hunt. Kuempel says, “This opens up the fun of hunting to additional people, and I think that’s great.”
The bill states that the blind hunter would be required to have a sighted hunter with them. They would also be able to use laser sights and other equipment that sighted hunters are not permitted to use.
The suggested method is to mount a pistol scope to the side of the rifle so the sighted hunter can peer through the scope while standing behind the blind hunter and offer aiming instructions.
I’m not blind, so I can’t be sure, but I really don’t see how shooting something you can’t see can be exciting. Maybe the thrill of knowing you just killed something is enough.
“Okay Bill, aim a bit more to your left. Good, now up a little. A little more. There, that’s it, fire! Oh yeah, great shot! He fell lik Read more:Blind
, Hunters
Time to Decrease the Surplus Population 2006-12-17 17:09:00 ‘Twas a very pleasant 80-degree December in Florida evening last night. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, so I was strolling around my front yard smoking a cigar and admiring my Christmas lights, when what to my wondering eyes should appear? One of my neighbors approaching in his car with something giving luster to his broad face and huge round belly that couldn’t shake like a bowl full of jelly because it was jammed up tight against the steering wheel. As he drove by, I noticed the source of the glow and I laughed when I saw it, in spite of myself.
He has a flip down DVD monitor like lots of folks do, but is it installed in line with the front seats to be viewed by rear-seat passengers? Hell no. It’s installed directly behind the moron’s rear view mirror so he can see it. Some states have laws against using cell phones while driving and yet this jolly old elf is watching a movie.
I’m not sure if he heard me exclaim as he drove out of sight Read more:Surplus
, Population
Perfect Gift for That Someone Special 2006-12-18 19:24:38 Save this gift for last. You’re lady will love it. For you guys that come up a little short, remember, it’s the thought that counts.
Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg singing the soon to be Holiday classic, Dick in a Box.
Read more:Special
, Perfect
Politically Incorrect Word of the Year 2006-12-18 18:12:21 The Gobal Language Monitor, a nonprofit group that studies word usage, has picked the word ‘macaca’ as the most politically incorrect word of the year.
Chances are very good that Senator George Allen’s use of the racial epithet ‘macaca’ when referring to a Democratic activist of Indian descent was the reason the Republican’s lost control of the Senate, so the soon to be former Senator also wins Hammer’s Biggest Idiot of the Year award, narrowly beating out Michael Richards (Kramer from Seinfeld) and his “N” word tirade at the Laugh Factory.
Put a fork in their asses, because they’re both done.
Read more:Incorrect
Horny Christian Awarded $5.89 Million 2006-12-20 19:13:47 A former devout Christian
from Suffolk England just made nearly $6 million for being over sexed.
Stephen Tame, 29, fell from a scaffold while working at a bicycle warehouse and suffered severe head injuries. After awakening from a 2-month coma he found that he had also suffered a severe boost to...
[[ This is a content summary only. Visit my website for full links, other content, and more! ]]
Read more:Horny
Blowjob Commercial from MasterCard 2006-12-23 17:14:34
Okay, it’s a parody and MasterCard
didn’t actually produce it, but they should have. Just imagine what would happen if they showed this commercial during the Super Bowl.
blowjob, mastercard, super bowl, youtubeblowjob, mastercard, super bowl, youtube
Read more:Blowjob
, Commercial
Michael Jackson or Phil the Syphilis Sore 2006-12-27 16:45:47 Which one is the better role model? They’re both scary to look at and are associated with diseases, but the truth is Phil has the more positive image.
A 2002 San Francisco advertising campaign which encouraged men to get tested for syphilis using two cartoon characters, Healthy Penis and Phil the Syphilis Sore, has been called a success by a recent study.
One can only guess at which of the two lovable characters was the actual reason for the campaign’s success, but somehow I think that a giant walking puss-filled sore would have been more effective than a goofy Barney-like penis with big round balls and a toothy grin.
I haven’t seen the full report, but it appears that the campaign was rated a success based on the fact that 40 to 60 percent of the people that responded to the survey and had been tested for syphilis said they were aware of the ads prior to testing.
That’s about as logical as claiming that since the majority of pedophiles have heard of Michael
Jac Read more:Jackson
, Michael Jackson
Farting is Major Cause of Global Warming 2006-12-28 15:53:15 Al Gore says we’ll all be dead in ten years in his documentary about global warming, An Inconvenient Truth, and although he blames man for the problem, apparently we actually have cows to thank for our pending imminent demise.
According to recent studies, cow farts account for one third of the world’s methane emissions. A single cow gives off approximately 400 liters of methane gas in one day and methane is twenty times more harmful to the atmosphere than carbon dioxide, which currently gets most of the bad press.
The solution is obvious and will actually accomplish two things. I propose that we find a way to collect the methane from cows and then begin altering new cars to run on methane gas. We’ll reduce our dependance on oil and drastically slow global warming at the same time.
It’s believed that if cows fart less they will grow faster which would be excellent news for cattle ranchers and of course the profits from selling the methane will make the ranchers r Read more:Farting
, Major
, Cause
, Global
, Global Warming
Farting Major Cause of Global Warming 2006-12-28 15:53:15 Al Gore says we’ll all be dead in ten years in his documentary about global warming, An Inconvenient Truth, and although he blames man for the problem, apparently we actually have cows to thank for our pending imminent demise.
According to recent studies, cow farts account for one third of the world’s methane emissions. A single cow gives off approximately 400 liters of methane gas in one day and methane is twenty times more harmful to the atmosphere than carbon dioxide, which currently gets most of the bad press.
The solution is obvious and will actually accomplish two things. I propose that we find a way to collect the methane from cows and then begin manufacturing more new cars that run on methane gas. We’ll reduce our dependence on oil and drastically slow global warming at the same time.
Methane would cost about $.10 a gallon and Volvo is already producing a bi-fuel engine that burns methane and uses gasoline as a backup fuel. The five-cylinder 2.4-liter Bi-Fuel Read more:Farting
, Major
, Cause
, Global
, Global Warming
Dream Vacation for Sale on Ebay 2006-12-30 03:47:35 A vacation for two is being offered for sale on eBay for less than what it’s actually worth, but there’s a catch. It’s only available to a single woman and she has to agree to go with the guy that is selling the trip.
Adam Croot planned a vacation to a resort in Negril, Jamaica so he could propose to his girlfriend. Unfortunately, she dumped him before they could go.
Rather than lose his non-refundable flight and hotel deposits, he decided to go anyway and is looking for a lady that is willing to pay $1259 to go on the trip with him. The resort’s rules state that the trip is available to heterosexual couples only (discrimination) so he can’t go alone or take a male friend.
Croot does have a few rules and doesn’t intend to go with a woman that is too old or “has a jealous husband”.
He must really want to go, because my rules would be a little stricter. The woman would have to be between the ages of 21 and 30, look like Angelina Jolie, and Read more:Dream
, Vacation
Hussein Hanged Hoodless 2006-12-30 17:26:04
Saddam Hussein
was executed by hanging Saturday at dawn and did not wear a hood. His executioners did though.
Fucking pussies.
executed, executioners, hanged, hanging, hangs, saddam husseinexecuted, executioners, hanged, hanging, hangs, saddam hussein
Read more:Hanged
Cross Added to Top of White House 2007-01-03 02:01:37 I was in Washington DC with my family for the Christmas holidays and snapped this photo of the WhiteHouse
. This must be a new change because I’ve not seen anything about it on the news, but apparently the President had the flag which traditionally sat atop the White House
replaced with a...
Read more:Cross
Being Horny Illegal in New Zealand 2007-01-20 00:07:25 This billboard featuring Australia’s former Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins in a lingerie advertisement was banned by New Zealand
airport officials for going a “step too far”.
What is this world coming too?
Read more:Horny
, New Zealand
Muff Diving Bad for Soccer Player 2007-01-19 23:28:12 If you follow soccer — that European game they call football, but only because the use their feet — you know that Marco Borriello, who plays as a striker for AC Milan, failed a drug test in November and was suspended from the team.
At the time, he and his smokin’ hot girlfriend,...
Read more:Diving
, Soccer
438 lb Man to Run Boston Marathon 2007-01-25 18:56:03 A rather large fellow from Wisconsin plans to lose 100 lbs and run in the BostonMarathon
after only three months training and is chronicling his progress on his blog.
So far the well wishers that have posted on his website are slightly outnumbered by the death wishers. All I can say is that...
Trevor Holden Father at Age Three 2007-01-25 17:46:17 In an effort to solve a paternity case in Australia, Victoria Legal Aid’s Child Support Services accused a 15 year-old boy named Trevor
Holden of fathering a child in 1994 in a letter sent to the boy. The letter ordered Trevor to either admit that he was the father or send $550 for a DNA [...] Read more:Father
, Three
438 lb Man to Run In Boston Marathon 2007-01-25 18:56:03 A rather large fellow from Wisconsin plans to lose 100 lbs and run in the BostonMarathon
after only three months training and is chronicling his progress on his blog.
So far the well wishers that have posted on his website are slightly outnumbered by the death wishers. All I can say is that...
Tell the World on MySpace 2007-01-27 20:28:59 Jonathan Pilkerton has a MySpace
page like millions of other people and like most of those people he uses his MySpace page to talk about himself. Unfortunately for his 20-year old brother Michael, he liked to talk about their homegrown marijuana crop and brag about how often they personally tested... Read more:World
It's a Demolition, Man 2007-01-30 17:48:53 Dumb: Boy, this is really exciting. I know it’s not going to be as impressive as the World Trade Center but at least watching this one will be safe.
Dumber: Yeah, this is going to be awesome dude.
Dumb: Hey, do you think we should figure out which way the wind is blowing just in case?
Dumber:... Read more:Demolition
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