Owner: The Wournal URL:thewournal.blogspot.com Join Date: Mon, 13 Nov 2006 14:13:47 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: A comedy writer and "his people" provide a concentration of short-form humor and satire. Nearly all forms of written comedy are covered, from 3-word humorous observations to lengthy and multi-layered serials. Something for everyone who thinks. Site statistics:Click here
Quote of the Day 2006-12-07 17:45:00 After a freak tornado struck a residential area of London yesterday, a news article contained this gem of a quote from eyewitness and keen weather observer Tim Klotz:
"It was like some sort of cyclone" Read more:Quote
The Not-So News (3 selection excerpts) 2006-11-30 21:10:00 "FCC Develop New Lotion to Block Out TV's Harmful Ultra-violent Rays" While TV viewers are used to the bleeps and other sound effects that cover-up offensive language on television, they will have to get used to a much more personal method of protection from the ever-increasing TV violence. The FCC has developed a specially-formulated lotion that will soon be required to be worn if one wishes to watch a little tube. The lotion, or "Fun-Block," as it's been named, will be available in different strengths depending on a person's age and life-experiences...
"Lure Lore: Curse of the BassMasters Videogame Cover Strikes Again" As professional bass fisherman Greg Cleavagie lay clinging to life in his boat last week after an improbable aquatic attack, all he could think about was "that damn video game" He spoke from his hospital room yesterday for the first time since the incident and did not hide his belief that the infamous curse, which has now affe Read more:selection
Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day: What Kramer Did 2006-11-20 18:57:00 Actor Michael Richards recently unleashed a racist tirade on a stunned crowd after being heckeled during a stand-up performance. When asked for comment, his friend and former co-star Jerry Seinfeld, in his trademark high-pitched nasaly voice, said, "What's the deal with racist Kramer
? One minute he's a goofy and loveable tv character, the next he's a ranting bigot. I mean pick an image, and go with it!" Read more:Daily
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Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day 2006-11-13 18:16:00 The NY Mets have announced that their new stadium, to open in 2009, will drop the Shea Stadium moniker and instead be named Citi Field. Team president Omar Minaya said, "With this new ballpark, now when people think of the Mets they'll think of both sports corporatization and incorrect spelling" Read more:Daily
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Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day 2006-11-05 18:45:00 The new microfiber composite basketball being used in the NBA continues to receive terrible reviews from players, yet Commissioner David Stern maintains it's a superior ball. He must be right, because who would know basketball performance better than a short, nerdy guy in his mid-60s. Read more:Daily
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Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day 2006-10-31 17:32:00 Bronx Zoo researchers recently discovered that elephants have the ability to recognize themselves in a mirror after experiments with Happy, the zoo's Asian pachyderm. Happy's first reaction was "wow, this is going to make shaving so much easier." Read more:Daily
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Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day 2006-10-30 17:32:00 A Marine participating in the Marine Corps marathon had a heart attack 80 yards from the starting line in Washington yesterday, setting the record for best way to show you shouldn't be in the Marines. Read more:Daily
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Joke/Counterjoke: Daily Monologue-Style Joke(s) of the Day 2006-12-12 17:09:00 The Christmas trees are going back up at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport after a local rabbi agreed not to file a lawsuit for the placement of a menorah. Instead, he now plans to use a much more effective and culturally traditional method, constant whiney nagging.
A Seattle-area rabbi agreed to drop his legal request for the presence of a menorah at the Sea-Tac International Airport and officials have put the offending trees back in place, though they're now calling them "holiday trees." Upon hearing the expression "holiday trees," the rabbi immediately filed suit for the placement of a "winter season 9-pronged candlestick holder." (ed. note, not part of this joke: Really? "Holiday trees?" Really?) Read more:Daily
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The Wournal's Best and Worst of 2006 (part I) 2006-12-27 19:08:00 E Coli Outbreaks: Best: Taco Bell. You know it's serious when Taco Bell makes people extra sick. Worst: Spinach. The death of Popeye is still affecting an entire nation.
Sports Achievements: Best: Zidane's head-butt-to-the-chest in the World Cup Final. Outstanding. Worst: (tie) All professional sports.
New Candy: Best: Cherry-Flavored Life Savers Gummy Fruit "Splosions. Truly transcendent, may lead a new candy revolution if the word gets out. Worst: Multi-Flavored Fruit Life Savers Gummy Fruit "Splosions. Unfortunately, every other flavor is as bad as the cherry flavor is good.
Development in Crosswalks:Best: The "Don't Walk" countdown timers. Now instead of angrily staring at the light until it changes, waiting drivers can count down together, like a shuttle launch, except totally inconsequential. Actually, it's exactly like a shuttle launch. Worst: The decision by the commissioner of the National Crosswalk Association (NCA) to change the tim
Houston, We Have an Auction 2007-01-10 04:01:00 A large amount of Whitney Houston
's concert costumes and touring gear was sold at auction in New Jersey today, as the singer had been deficient in paying the storage fee where the items were being kept. There is no more to this article, the headline was just too good to pass up. Read more:Auction
We can't make this stuff up (ok we can, but this time we didn't) 2007-01-08 17:22:00 Cliff Jumping? Back-Country Snowboarding? Mere child's play compared to the latest craze to hit the the adventure-sport circuit, Extreme Ironing. As the website says, EI (what the "pros" call it) combines the thrill of "an extreme outdoor activity with the satisfaction of a well pressed shirt." Check out the very entertaining website at www.extremeironing.com. Read more:stuff
Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day 2007-01-19 21:42:00 Hollywood reporters are abuzz after Lindsay Lohan checked herself into rehab for alcohol abuse a few days ago. One was overheard excitedly saying, "Thank God. It's really been too long since someone pulled a good "Drew Barrymore.'" Read more:Daily
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News Headline of the Day: Boston Bomb Sc-Err 2007-02-01 18:58:00 "Fans of Aqua Teen Hunger Force Understand and Enjoy Irony of Marketing Scheme Gone Wrong as That's Exactly What the Depicted Characters Would Have Wanted" Read more:Boston
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Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day: Groundhog Day Special Addition 2007-02-02 21:18:00 It looks like an early spring this year as NYC's local groundhog, Staten Island Chuck, also known by his middle name, "Sal," was apparently unable to smell the stench of the Fresh Kills Landfill this morning, staying out of his winter hole instead of quickly retreating back in as he usually does this day every year, in the annual ceremony at the Staten Island Zoo. Read more:Style
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Your Super Bowl Weather Forecast (without using any numbers) 2007-02-04 09:37:00 The air will feel comfortable as Sunday's high will be just under room temperature, while after kickoff it will turn a bit more chilly, but still not unpleasant, especially in long sleeves. There's about an even chance of light rain showers during the game, but it won't be a major rain event. Humidity levels are expected to only be marginally-sticky and winds are expected out of the Northeast at the speed of a fast-running squirrel. Read more:Super
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The Not-So News: Upcoming Article Headlines 2007-02-07 04:25:00 While The Wournal is busy preparing for the move, here is a preview of several articles that will appear shortly.
"Anna Nicole Smith's Baby Daughter's First Words Ask for Maternity Test"
"Wedding Marred as DJ Mistakenly Plays "Let's Get Retarded' Instead of "Let's Get it Started'"
"'Sesame Street' Educating Children about the Importance of Watching Television"
"'Sitar Hero' Videogame Hugely Popular in Southern Asia"
"Man Realizes During Stand-Up Performance He Confused Dennis Miller with Dennis Leary When Ordering Tickets" Read more:Upcoming
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Tragedy Strikes Bowling’s U.S. Open as Nail Clipper Incident Results in Missed Spares 2007-03-01 21:58:00 In the blink of an eye, or, more appropriately, the snip of a clipper, it was all over for Harvey Librette in the 2007 U.S. Open. The famous professional bowler looked down at the nail angle and instantly knew he’d made a life-changing error.
During his daily morning hand-grooming session yesterday, Librette clipped his right thumbnail at an angle 5 degrees too acute, leaving an extra millimeter and a half of exposed skin and dashing all his hopes for a fourth Open victory. He valiantly still gave it a go, an extraordinary effort considering the debilitating injury, but his attempts to compensate by shifting to a later release point, and even lowering his backswing a full inch, were all in vain as he simply could not develop a high enough revolution rate to effectively control his spare shooting. After three chops in the first two games and clearly struggling with the emotional pain of his injury, Librette threw in the towel, literally, as he threw his bowling towel over the s Read more:Tragedy
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A Random, Why Not List, Involving That Guy Who Fell At the Marathon 2006-10-26 06:06:00 In the spirit of runner Robert Cheruiyot’s truly epic tumble as he crossed the finish line at the Chicago marathon on Sunday, here is a list of other, lesser known sports blunders that occurred simultaneously with greatness. 10) Surfer Fred Hemmings’s left earlobe was sliced off when, after winning the 1968 World Championships, he attempted a handstand on his board, it flipped over and the fin whipped across his ear.9) Andres Gomes, one of the great clay-court tennis players, was grazed by a falling chunk of blue-ice waste from an airplane passing overhead, just seconds after striking a perfect forehand winner to capture the 1990 French Open. He was only slightly injured, but never won a tournament again.8) Entering the third period of the 1992 Stanley Cup finals, Dirk Graham of the Chicago Blackhawks came back on the ice and started skating at full speed with his head down, promptly slamming right into the back of the zamboni which was still on the ice.7) Well after the 2002 Toky Read more:Random
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Pete Rose: “I’m sorry. That’ll be $500.” 2006-10-05 20:10:00 So baseball’s all time-hit king is charging $500 for a signed Sports Illustrated Cover plaque that he’s inscribed, “I’m sorry
I bet on baseball. –Pete Rose.” That’s right, he’s charging for his apology. If you have several hundred dollars, then Rose feels bad about what he did and wants to make it up to you by letting you pay mucho dinero for an unpersonalized, empty, and completely consumer-driver 6 word apology. Nice gesture, Pete. What Rose has done, however, is create a whole new area of collectables that is unfortunately appropriate in this era of error, where celebrated sports figures and celebrities constantly make grand mistakes causing their fans, and sometimes the whole public in general as in the case of Rose, to lose faith and respect for them. Yet what better way to make amends than in that grey area that connects the famous with just the us-signed memorabilia. There will always be demand for collectables of the famously shamed, and it turns out
Ode to Bowling (A Cometry Special Presentation) 2006-09-13 07:40:00 The gleam of the oil,the crash of the pins,that stale smell in the air,clutch tenth-frame wins.Converting a split,hitting square in the pocket,some throw with spin,while others throw a rocket.A 6-10 chop,picking up double wood, The never-changing shoe style,Wear socks, you really should. An early-game turkey,pink balls on the racks,the unfortunate double-gutter,staring at people’s backs. An elite sport,bowling sure is not,but creating funny nicknames,is what it’s got. Read more:Bowling
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Best Of...Articles 2006-09-11 19:33:00 While the Wournal is busy creating and developing new material, here is a classic article from days past. “Alaskan Oil Drilling to Lower Wildlife Unemployment Rate” By Cody Haulington Animals all across Alaska are rejoicing as it appears that there may finally be a solution to help the dire jobless situation they’ve faced for years. Now that the Senate has approved a program to explore for oil in the Alaskan wilderness, new jobs will be created so that animals can finally find gainful employment and earn a respectable living rather than loafing about all day and scavenging for food. Upon hearing of this news, penguins vigorously waddled about and flapped their flipper-like things while nearby polar bears stood up and roared. There has not been any formal statements by the seals or walruses yet, as it’s their mating season and they can not be bothered during the period. Senate Minority Whip and Chain Lew Cless stated, “For years we’ve been looking for a good reason Read more:Articles
Cometry Part III 2006-07-12 05:06:00 An old lady smoking,Small children playing sports.Pulled-over highway speeders,The person who laughs with loud snorts. Running for your life from an angry British trucker,The passed-out girl in the corner.That look in the eyes of religious freaks, Trying to cheer up a mourner.Folks that say they hate TV,Chunks of metal flying off roller-coasters.The overly self-conscious girl at the gym,And whatever happened to Kenny Rogers’ Roasters?
2006 World Cup Soccer Thoughts 2006-06-23 05:30:00 Is a person from Ghana called a Ghanarian?Yellow Cards. Red Cards. Where’s the Green cards? (insert foreigner joke here)Soccer
is a lot like ice hockey, except it’s on a humungous field and the guys just run around a lot and sometimes kick a ball.It’s nice that this is an occasion that’s not so distressing to see so many German people gathering in stadiums and chanting wildly. The US team had 1 shot on goal in its first two games. Nice. Names of people from other countries are endlessly amusing. Here’s a few: Vratislov Lokvenc, Razak Pimpong, Asamoah Gyan, Pernambucano Juninho, Kaka, Miroslaw Szymkowiak. Those are seriously all real. And there’s plenty more. They should have subtitles for all the chants that are going on in the stands during the game-it’d be nice to know what they’re saying. Read more:World
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In the Distant Land of Suburbton 2006-06-14 18:25:00 In the distant land of Suburbton,There were once more happy times.When children played on jungle gymsAnd ice cream cost just several dimes.But things, well, now they’re different,The place, it sure has changed.The problem crept up so slowly,People noticed nothing strange.At first, the accidents were small,A smash-up here and there,Soon the bodies were piling up,There was carnage in the air.The reason became obvious,Yet nothing could be done.Elderly drivers learned to use their cell phones.The menace had just begun. Now people refuse to leave their homes.There’s danger down every street. The weak and aged drive and chat mindlessly.Getting anywhere safely is quite a feat. Will the world learn the lesson of Suburbton,Or will their numbers continue to grow?If the yapping fossils aren’t stopped soon,It will be mankind’s biggest woe.
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