Owner: YoMomma Blog URL:http://yomomma.tv/blog/ Join Date: Tue, 28 Aug 2007 11:28:41 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: YoMomma's more than just an insult - it applies to life. Read, laugh and learn how to better call out someone else's momma.
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Jesus Still Reigns 2007-11-20 03:24:13 Hey y’all,
Have you noticed that the enigmatic battler known only as, well, Jesus
has been at the top of the YoMomma.tv basically since the site began? I mean, the real life Jesus was notorious for making a scene, bucking the status quo and offending the squares, but he eventually got crucified for it. This Jesus has got a whole website of 17000 users at his heels, and he still remains King.
Maybe…maybe he has God on his side.
Almost seasonally appropriate. 2007-11-27 03:35:29 Hey y’all,
Alright, I know Thanksgiving is over and all - and I hope you had an amazing time - but some Thanksgiving Yo Momma snaps occurred to me, and I thought, hell, while it’s fresh on everybody’s minds, let’s roll some out.
- Yo momma so fat that when she went to see the Macy’s parade, everyone was pointing at her shouting, “Look at the downed balloon!”
- Yo momma so fat you don’t eat candied yams, you eat candied hams.
- Yo momma so trashy and poor you get your turkey deep-fried at the KFC with a side of slaw.
Now you try! Let me see you tear out Yo Momma’s giblets!
Read more:Almost
The Yo Momma Weekly Roundup! 2007-11-24 03:15:08 Hey y’all,
The week before a holiday is always so exhausting, and the day after is always a mild letdown - kind of like the letdown yo daddy felt after he conceived you, only that wasn’t mild…
No, I’m just playing. I hope you’ve all bee stuffing yourselves on leftover turkey and pumpkin pie and other various goodnesses, the goodnesses that make the season, the goodnesses that make yo momma so horrifyingly fat.
So what did we go into this week before Thanksgiving rolled around?
Well, first we indulged in a little theology, with an investigation into the nature of Jesus, at least as he manifests himself on YoMomma
.tv.
Then we made a suggestion for Yo Momma and the Guinness Book of World Records, which so far I haven’t gotten any encouraging e-mails about…
And then we gave a shoutout to you, the people who make Yo Momma so deliciously possible. Good on you.
See you next week!
Read more:Weekly
Happy Thanksgiving! 2007-11-22 17:50:39 Hey y’all,
I wanted to just get on here quick to wish y’all a very happy and fulfilling holiday. And if you’re in need of some seasonally appropriate musical accompaniment, may I recommend the R&B classic “Be Thankful for What You Got,” either in its Billy DeVaughn original form or the Massive Attack cover…
Now go eat a whole ton of pie. If yo fat momma has left any.
Read more:Happy
, Thanksgiving
Let’s get some reader participation up in here… 2007-11-22 05:37:03 Hey y’all,
This here is a blog, and a blog ain’t got a comments section for nothing - especially a Yo Momma blog. You commenters are a quiet bunch, and to quote a great sage of hip-hop culture, the great Andre 3000, I wanna see y’all on your baddest behavior. Let’s hear some Yo Momma snaps, Yo Momma blog-reader style. Show me what you got. Show me something sharp.
I’ll start us off:
Yo momma so fat and ugly Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck had to blow her up to keep Earth from being destroyed.
Read more:hellip
The Yo Momma Weekly Roundup 2007-12-01 04:40:04 Whooo, another long week gone so very by. I could not be more relieved to be sitting here, typing up this one final capstone before the hedonism and debauchery of the weekend begins (because that’s what weekends are all about, right?).
Before we do our recap, I want to remind those Yo Momma
battlers reppin’ the Midwest to stay the hell inside this weekend. Supposed to be some winter storming and whole lot of snow and freezing rain and sleet and ice accumulation. Make some hot eggnog (put some brandy or rum in if it you are of the proper age), pop in a beloved DVD and get madly cozy on the couch with some blankets and maybe a beloved other. If you got the stuff, get a fire going. Orders from the Yo Momma blog. You dig? You dig.
Anyway, we started this week off, like most of the rest of you, by dealing with the aftermath of Thanksgiving, only this time in a true dozens fashion.
And then we implored you, in two separate posts, to help the Yo Momma community by being more creat Read more:Weekly
Get out the vote. 2007-11-30 06:06:21 No, not for the president. We still, thankfully, have got a few months before election season ramps fully up and everything shoots foam out of their mouths for ten or so months until we, as a nation, make a bad decision and have to deal with it for the next four years.
I’m talking about - well, what else? - Yo Momma.
I’ve noticed that the leader board of battlers on YoMomma.tv has remained unchanged for months. And that tells me one of two things: either these are the best Yo Momma battlers ever seen on the planet, which seems unlikely; or not enough people are taking the time to vote on battles and get some rankings up. I’m pretty sure it’s the latter.
So I want you all to do a service to the Yo Momma community. Take fifteen minutes to just vote on random battles. It’s easy, and sometimes it’s even fun.
Let’s get some creativity up ins! 2007-11-29 04:57:26 Peoples peoples peoples,
I am disappointed in you.
Yes, you.
All of you.
Today I clicked over to YoMomma.tv and what was the snap I saw displayed, right there, for all eyes, on the main page?
Yo! We can do better than this! That joke is staler than the muffins at the day-old bakery! We have to remember that all of us are ambassadors of the dozens in the wider world, and we have a duty to push our craft to its limits. Don’t you slack off on me now, battlers.
Weekend! 2007-12-07 11:24:35 Three cheers for the weekend! I’m gonna go visit my momma, and I’m gonna say a little prayer of thanks she’s not a poisoning, burning, or stabbing kind of momma. You should go visit or call your own momma this weekend and let her know you love her.
Assuming you do love her, of course. If you don’t, skip it, and just do some more voting on battles.
Read more:Weekend
Bad Mothers of the Animal Kingdom - Pigs 2007-12-06 10:18:44 I might have to stop doing these posts, because this one just freaked me out.
Mother pigs eat their young.
You heard me. They just eat the piglets right up, like unprocessed bacon. Farmers estimate that up to half of all piglet deaths are because of the mother eating them. Now, I know we have some human mommas around here who would eat an entire piglet, whole, but that’s different. Go vote on some battles at the site to get your mind off these piglets.
Read more:Mothers
, Animal
, Kingdom
Evil Momma of History - Medea 2007-12-05 10:36:35 This next evil momma is a legend - both a “not real” legend and a “daaamn, that’s evil” legend. Long before Tyler Perry put on a fat suit and a sundress, Medea was a main lady of Greek myth. She was the daughter of the king of Colchis, and - like people do in these stories - ran off with a sailor the first chance she got. He killed he brother as they were leaving (like people do in these stories), but that didn’t seem to cause problems. What did cause problems was when he tried to marry another princess a few years later. Medea took it badly (like people do in these stories) and poisoned the other princess - and her father. She still hadn’t gotten enough revenge on her husband, though, so she took the next logical step.
She killed their children.
You heard me. She was so mad at her fella she stone axed their children. That is bad parenting. Worse even than this:
Read more:Momma
, History
Evil Momma of History - Bloody Mary 2007-12-04 21:54:01 I don’t know if this one counts, but y’all will cut me a little slack, right?
Mary Tudor had a bad childhood. Her father, Henry VIII, occasionally threatened to kill her, and she had to deal with five stepmothers, one of which was younger than Mary. (She got to see two of them beheaded, though - sort of a “Yo momma such a whore, she cheated on the king of England” kind of thing.) So Mary lay back, thought of England, and waited for her father and brother to die so she could be queen of England. They did, and she did, and everything was pretty keen until she married the King of Spain and got pregnant. England waited… and waited… and waited. No little prince or princess. Turns out Mary had a problem called “phantom pregnancy,” where a woman wants a child so bad, her body acts like she’s got one in the oven - but when the timer dings, no cookies. Mary went a little off at this point, and decided God had punished her with this who Read more:Momma
, History
Evil Momma of History - Catherine de Medici 2007-12-04 21:53:46 I had an idea.
We’ve spent a lot of time talking about short mommas, fat mommas, ugly mommas, bad-tempered mommas, functionally retarded mommas, and more fat mommas. But what about straight-up, no-kidding, downright evil mommas? We skipped those. Anyway, sharpen your number 2 pencils and pack a lunch, because you’re about to get taken to school, for a crash course in Evil Momma
s of History
.
Chapter One - Catherine
de Medici, Queen of France. Catherine had kind of a hard life - her husband cheated on her all the time, and then died in a joust when the lance broke and part of it went through his eye into his brain. Closed casket, all the way, and you can imagine she’d be a little grouchy. One after the other, three of her sons became king, and they were all momma’s boys. Most of the time, she settled for ruling France and killing people who stepped on her toes - she had the Duke of Guise stabbed to death in front of one of her sons and killed the queen of Navarr
The 12 Days of Dozens: Day 4 2007-12-20 13:38:14 On the fourth day of Christmas Yo Momma gave to me:
Four busted condoms,
Three tapeworms,
Two packs of Skoal,
And a syringe laced with HIV!
(I’m building it up, day by day, to gradually imply that your mother is not what we colloquially refer to as a “classy broad.”)
Now, do the minions of Momma at the Yo Momma homepage have anything suitably holiday-spirited for us to enjoy? Let’s find out.
Now see, that one actually required some creativity. It wasn’t just shock value or the same joke five dozen other people uploaded, it took a situation and used familiar themes to derive humor from it. Good on you, 25 Cent.
Tune in tomorrow for more momma!
Read more:Dozens
The 12 Days of Dozens: Day 3 2007-12-19 13:30:13 On the third day of Christmas Yo Momma gave to me:
Three tapeworms,
Two packs of Skoal,
And a syringe laced with HIV!
Y’all, it only goes up from here.
So let’s see what the jokesters on the Yo Momma site have for us in terms of holiday snaps today…
…Hmmm.
Hey y’all, I have to work with what they give me.
Tune in tomorrow for more momma!
Read more:Dozens
The 12 Days of Dozens: Day 2 2007-12-18 13:16:43 On the first day of Christmas Yo Momma gave to me a syringe laced with HIV!
One the second day of Christmas Yo Momma gave to me two packs of Skoal,
And a syringe laced with HIV!
And now, your funny-time:
Hey, little dude. You don’t need to work blue to get laughs.
Tune in tomorrow for more momma!
Read more:Dozens
The 12 Days of Dozens: Day 1 2007-12-17 13:08:37 Hey y’all,
No, it ain’t exactly the proper time to be starting with a 12 days of Christmas countdown. But it is that general season - you can tell because of all the insufferable commercials - so I think it’s high time we got into the Christmas Spirit, dozens-style, here on the Yo Momma blog. What we’re going to do is, every day for the next 12 I’m going to dig up and serve one killer holiday-themed Yo Momma snap, and you’re gonna enjoy it like you enjoy some eggnog ‘n’ brandy, ya heard?
So without further ado…
Snap! “I Saw Mommy @#$%ing Santa Claus” - this year’s inspirational holiday hit from, oh, I don’t know, probably Lily Allen.
Tune in tomorrow for more momma, peoples!
Read more:Dozens
The Yo Momma Weekly Roundup! 2007-12-15 02:55:08 Well, this was a decent week in yo momma. We had terrifying pig news, bad geography, and good my-new-thin-momma news.
Read more:Weekly
, Momma
Happy independence day! 2007-12-14 05:48:25 If you live in Burkina Faso. I decided that today I’d hunt you up some yo momma jokes to read that are special to today.
Hm. No jokes about Burkina Faso. Well, the calendar says it’s also Tango Day!
No tango jokes either. Hm. Okay, it’s also the feast of, uh, Pope Damasus the First?
Nothing there. Uh… oh! It’s Colorado’s state holiday!
I search for Colorado, and I get this:
Decent burn, kid, but the Grand Canyon is in Arizona.
Read more:Happy
Someone’s momma fights back. 2007-12-13 09:07:21 Poor mommas. They put up with a lot from us, without a word of complaint. We come up with the rudest, sharpest, foulest things we can say about mommas, and they take it. Not all mommas are that patient. In 1492, the kingdom of Grenada was destroyed by the Spanish army. As the king fled, he turned back for a last look at his country, and shed a few tears. His mother turned to him and said, “You do well to weep like a woman over what you could not defend like a man.”
Ouch. That is sharp. We’re all lucky the mommas discussed on this site don’t have those kind of skills.
Ha! 2007-12-12 04:39:00 You know, as much as I love talking about mommas, I’ve seen a lot of them over the last few months. I’ve read almost every one on this site, written a lot of my own, and learned all the words to the Pharcyde’s immortal tune, “Ya Mama.” After a while, they’re not as fresh. Bleeding gravy. “Dating” major league baseball teams. I’ve heard this stuff by now. But today, I read one that made me laugh harder than I have for a long time:
It’s fresh, it’s clever, and it’s spelled correctly. This boy is a wonder.
Special Update! 2007-12-11 05:50:17 We’re taking a break from Mommas of History for a special news update. As I said I was gonna, I went and visited my momma this weekend. Well, guess what, kids? My momma had gone on a diet, which is not new. What was new is that it worked.
You heard me. My momma is no longer fat. Never again am I going home crying ’cause the other kids said something like this:
Or this:
I’m about a million times happier, so in honor of my new, skinny momma, I wanna see some new So Skinny jokes. Get on it!
Read more:Update
, Special
The 12 Days of Dozens: Day 6 2007-12-24 22:05:21 On the sixth day of Christmas Yo Momma gave to me:
Six bum lotto tickets,
Five rocks of meth!
Four busted condoms,
Three tapeworms,
Two packs of Skoal,
And a syringe laced with HIV!
Merry Christmas Eve, y’all. On this ostensibly holy night, the YoMomma.tv jokesters get a little predictably salacious…
Read more:Dozens
The 12 Days of Dozens: Day 5 2007-12-21 13:44:39 On the fifth day of Christmas Yo Momma gave to me:
Five rocks of meth!
Four busted condoms,
Three tapeworms,
Two packs of Skoal,
And a syringe laced with HIV!
Did he take it there? Did he cross the meth line? Oh. Oh. He did. Consider that line crossed with a smokin’ lightbulb.
And speaking of methamphetamine abuse, let’s see what those inveterate jokesters on YoMomma.tv have scraped out of the bottom of yo momma’s cavernous, um, “barrel”…
Oh, God, dude. Gross. Way too vivid. Sit in the back of the class with your head down.
Tune in next week for more momma!
Read more:Dozens
It’s a scandal! It’s an outrage! 2008-03-11 04:41:28 Hey y’all,
Whoo! Monday! And not just any Monday, but the first post-Daylight-Savings-Time clock-switch Monday of the year! Who’s feeling discombobulated out there? I know I am. And I know yo momma is.
What’s in the news lately? Oh yeah, something perfect for those saucy rogues at the Yo Momma site: the governor of New York, Eliot [...]
The Yo Momma Weekly Roundup! 2008-03-07 21:10:45 Hey y’all,
No sheep for the shepherd this week - not much to round up. Basically all we brought to you this week was our apology for being gone and our promise to never slack in our Yo Momma
duty again.
So what else happened this week? A cursory glance at the news ain’t too encouraging - [...] Read more:Weekly
Back at you. 2008-03-06 23:36:00 Hey y’all,
We’re back the Yo Momma blog. I know you were out there in Internetland, scratching feebly at your monitors while trembles of withdrawal rippled down your whitened limbs, desperate for even the scantest update of the Yo Momma material you’ve come to rely on, but we didn’t come through. Let’s just say sorry, there [...]
The Yo Momma Weekly Roundup! 2008-03-01 02:31:39 Hey y’all,
Whew. Take a deep breath with me. Let that sucker out long and slow. Yeah, that’s right: we finally made it to the weekend. And this is one of those weekends with a weird tension hanging over everything, the weekend before the storm; this coming week may well decide the political future of America. [...] Read more:Momma
, Weekly
I was expecting something more… 2008-02-29 06:09:07 Hey y’all,
I’ll admit it: sometimes I have trouble coming up with topics I can fill up a post with on this here blog. I mean, you know that nobody takes the sacred business of playing the dozens and encouraging community on the Yo Momma site as seriously as I do, but sometimes the topic just [...] Read more:something
The cream sinks. 2008-02-28 03:56:20 Hey y’all,
I just wanted to report on a breaking development at YoMomma.tv. It seems everyone’s been listening to my frequent exhortations to vote and get the leader board moving at the site - and hats off to you and your fat-ass mommas for that - but the only upset that’s happened so far is the [...]
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