Owner: catsandbeer.com URL:http://www.catsandbeer.com Join Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2007 22:18:53 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: whimsy incarnate Site statistics:Click here
Insufferable Comedic Actor Deathmatch: French Stewart vs. Chris Kattan 2007-08-19 23:46:55 Move over Sinbad and Harland Williams, there’s two new sheriffs* in town.* ’sheriffs’ here meaning "hack comics starring in adult-themed prime time network animated comedies"
In celebration of the imminent premiere/cancellation of Fox’s new animated series "Two Dreadful Children," catsandbeer.com has decided to pit two of the show’s stars against one another to once and for all answer the question mankind has furiously debated since around 1997 or so:
Who is the more loathsome mincing comic anathema, FrenchStewart
or Chris
Kattan?
Round One: Television
The case for French
French Stewart is best known as "that annoying guy from 3rd Rock from the Sun," which is no small feat when you consider that the show starred this asshole:
It was on 3rd Rock that Stewart introduced the world to his signature look (like he’s trying to shit out an inadvertently swallowed plastic army man) and his signature delivery (like he’s t Read more:Actor
LiveBlog: Caterpillar on my Porch 2007-08-14 18:16:52 3:14 PM: Welcome to the Caterpillar on my Porch
Liveblog. I’m hoping to bring you some interesting facts, figures and stories as I document this important event of a giant caterpillar crawling across my porch.
3:15 PM: Okay, the caterpillar is approximately 17 inches from the center of the sliding glass door along the outer wall. He seems to be in quite a hurry – for a caterpillar! I don’t think NASCAR driver Tony Stewart need worry about this guy just yet!
3:16 PM: It looks like he’s made it another 3 inches. I actually don’t know that it’s a “he”, I’m just assuming. Truth be told, I need to look up how you sex a caterpillar. Tobacco Hornworm Moth caterpillars – now, they have a horn that protrudes off their butts. It isn’t a penis, but if a caterpillar penis looked similar, it would make it much easier to tell the difference.
3:17 PM: Do caterpillars have genders? It seems like insects are always humping, so I’d figure they do. But maybe they just sort of s
Drugs are my anti-parkour 2007-08-13 05:39:31 alcohol and caffeine, specifically, but so great is the menace to self-preservation posed by parkour that anything short of black tar heroin should be embraced with open arms and legs.
Don’t believe me? Watch this shit:
Wait, what is parkour?
Parkour is an increasingly popular sport practiced by thrill-seeking youths some time after being born and immediately before dying from parkour-sustained injures. An alternative, more precise definition is that parkour is the efficient moving over, under, through, and above man-made and natural obstacles in sub/urban areas.
It is also absolutely 100% fucking insane and more badass than doing this
with your dick.
Is parkour right for me?
Maybe. To help you answer this question, I’ve created the following brief questionnaire:
1. Are you Lithuanian?
If you were born or currently reside in the former Soviet state, then parkour will likely appeal to you. In fact, if you call the northern neighbor of Russian exclave Kaliningrad Obl Read more:Drugs
On Ron Paul, getting high, snorgling, and other nonsense 2007-08-05 05:23:53 I recently (a-rhetorically) authored an article wondering if merely writing about certified cyber heavyweight phenomenon Ron Paul
would bring web traffic to my theretofore untrafficked website (this one). Well, it didn’t take long for the Paulites to descend upon me and remove any doubt that it in fact it would.
So does this mean that catsandbeer is a rebrand away from becoming the web’s #1 source for tracking Paul’s all-but-assured rocket ascent up to the low-mid single digits in the polls? No way. Why not? Because here’s the way you get REAL traffic on the Internet:
Adorable nonsense and pro athlete puerility kick the absolute shit out of Ron Paul.
But before we bid adieu to Paul once and for all, let’s give the man his due.
The Ron Paul Effect
Writing about Ron Paul WILL increase your web traffic … provided you have no web traffic at all to begin with. Take a look at this chart:
Whoa, doctor! Without a doubt, what we’re seeing here
Denver: Investment Opportunities Abound 2007-08-04 12:28:27 Brian,
I was asked to pass this along to our readers …
Toodles,
Keith
Official Press Release
from Spokesman for Emperor Constantinus, Benjamin Gookin
Denver
, CO - August 3, 2007
As you may or may not be aware, the state of Colorado recently replaced its representative government with a divinely-appointed emperor. Lamentably, our exalted leader was almost immediately assassinated by an agent acting on behalf of a rival fascistic element whose ideas ran counter to the emperor’s. Luckily, before his martyrdom, the emperor passed an important decree that will mean big business for the savvy investor as soon as a successor to the throne is named: going forward, the practice of abortion is illegal in Colorado. Here’s how you can benefit from the new policy changes in our great state.
1. The Black Market
Now that abortions are illegal, anyone with a back alley can become a businessperson! The initial startup costs are high, but they’ll pay off in no time at all. The e Read more:Opportunities
Movie Review: Home Alone 3! 2007-08-30 11:47:40 Evanescent Dreams: The Dwindling Relevance of American Culture as Depicted in Films Not Yet Conceived
Manuscript by Keith
Edited by Jared Diamond, author of Guns, Germs and Steel
Foreword
By Jared Diamond
I don’t think I can count the number of times I’ve been to Paris, but until 1994, the visits had always been detached as if I were a local who simply viewed the city as home, not as one of the grand hubs of European civilization. While visiting with colleagues, I’d always be shuffled off to one local eatery or another where the bored-looking waitresses would dispense our meals with the sort of indifference that comes from having a local clientèle rather than an endlessly rotating stream of tourists whom you’re striving to please. During my free times in the evening I’d roam the generic streets of the residential districts, bathing in the substance of French home life, all the while trying to convince myself that this was in fact the true cultural experience, not the standar Read more:Movie Review
, Home Alone
Hernandez’s Head 2007-09-22 15:44:39 I’m Brian Hernandez and I just don’t give a fuck. I tell it like it is and if you don’t like it well then you can just KISS MY BROWN ASS!
People are always telling me to tone it down, saying that I shouldn’t be so edgy and outrageous. Well I say fuck that!
Like the other day, one of my friends was like, "Hey Brian, you know you should really probably chill on some of the Middle Eastern stuff" and I was all like, "What you talking about?" And he was all like, "You know — they’re crazy," and I was like, "Shut up! You need to be a man and a real American and read your history books and watch Band of Brothers and know who you are and not be ashamed of it."
Well this Middle Eastern guy overheard and he was like, "Hey you should listen to your friend. My people are crazy." And I was like, "Fuck you, Habib. You don’t know who the fuck I am. I’m not white. I don’t apologize
Fuck You, CuteOverload.com! 2007-09-16 04:21:52 And fuck your creator, Meg Frost. Yeah,
You think you know what cute is? You dont know what the fuck cute is. Yeah maybe you USED TO know what cute is but you dont no more. I cant BELIEVE some of the shit you trying to pass off as cute these days. Look at this shit:
That aint cute.
That shit aint cute.
That aint cute. Thats a bird.
Thats unsanitary.
Thats disgusting.
Thats a sock.
BITCH HAVE YOU LOST YOUR COT DAMN MIND?!!!!!!
You wanna know whats cute? I mean you really want to know? You want me to splain it to you? OK I splain it to you.
THIS
is fucking cute.
THIS
is fucking precious.
How you gonna post pictures of snails and bugs and fucking apple cozies and you aint gonna post pictures of the most adorable fucking box of adorable fucking kittens in fucking history even after I emailed you them TWICE??????
I mean would you just LOOK at this little guy’s face?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
And to think that Keith and I were your two straight male readers.
You have lost all cred
Midseason Replacement: Ravens Blog 2007-09-14 15:07:26 Coming soon to a vacated time slot near you
RAVENS BLOG!
Loosely based on the adventures of the men tasked with chronicling every facet of Ravens
minutiae …
Left to Right: “Cappie” Mike Preston, “Hot Head” Jamison Hensley, “Gigabyte” Edward Lee, and “The Guru” Don Markus
Cappie: A playful reference to his former life as a captain in the Navy SEALS, Cappie is always exasperated by the carefree antics of his team. But when push comes to shove, he always successfully leads his team through the battle, be it recovering a stolen painting of Steve Bisciotti or saving a little girl from the oncoming path of BJ Sams’ swerving, speeding SUV.
Hot Head: Always the life of the party and tops with the ladies, Hot Head gets his nickname from his classic Irish anger streak. While normally easygoing, you best not mess with his (always) perfectly coifed hair or make even the vaguest insinuations concerning his mother or sister lest you want
What The Fuck Happened To Tori Spelling’s Face? 2007-09-08 18:33:30 Seriously,
what the fuck happened
to Tori Spelling
’s face?
Introduction
I’ve done a bit of preliminary research, and as you will see from these Google News searches I have confirmed that Tori Spelling HAS NOT recently:
been hit by a train
survived a badger attack
reentered Earth’s atmosphere without a protective heat shield
which begs the question
What the fuck happened to Tori Spelling’s face?
What We Know
I recently discovered the reality program Tori and Dean: Inn Love which ostensibly shows what happens when two famous people give up their go-go Hollywood lifestyles to run a bed and breakfast somewhere near, I don’t know, Pasadena.
The first and only most glaring problem with this premise is that Tori and Dean are not two famous people. Tori, I’ll grant you, is famous; she’s pretty much the human embodiment of D-List. But Dean, Dean McDermott is most definitely not famous since, as the old saying goes, "if your name is Dean a
Mac, I’m Not Sure We Can Be Friends Anymore 2007-09-05 12:33:10 Mac, I know we’ve had some good times together in recent years. I’ll never forget how you taught me to act aloof like I’m better than anyone else. For example, here’s my “too cool for school” grin that I’ve learned to use when talking to people beneath me:
However, your recent behavior has come to my attention and I’m afraid I might not trust your judgment enough to continue this friendship. No….no, please keep your distance!
Yes, it has come to my attention that the second I turned my back, you were immediately making out with actress Drew Barrymore. An informal survery of male college students revealed that a full 63% agreed with the statement “Making out with Drew Barrymore makes Mac gay.” Here’s a chart showing this data.
Now, I personally do not agree with this majority opinion. My onboard algorithms confirm that Ms. Barrymore is in fact female. My further research indicates that she has absorbed an unacc Read more:Friends
Spread Your Legs And Jam! 2007-09-03 12:38:23 For whatever reason, there’s been a lot of talk about public bathroom foot-tapping and gay sex in the media lately. Most of it seems highly negative and this is upsetting to me because I am a long-time public bathroom foot-tapper. For the record, the overwhelming majority of us foot-tappers aren’t attempting to solicit some sexual act the exact nature of which eludes me and arouses a purely scientific curiosity as to what it is. Rather, we’re doing something as wholesome as petting our kitties:
Air drumming!
That’s right! Why the briefcase in front of the stall door? Well, you can’t have a fake drum kit without a kick drum! And all the foot-tapping? Well, my right foot is on the kick drum pedal and my left foot is working the high hat! Lord knows there aren’t enough minutes in the day to practice air-drumming, so why not make the most of the free time you get during your daily (quadra-daily for some of you) constitutional?
Now, if you’re new to drumming, it’s a prett Read more:Spread
Movie Review: Home Alone 3! 2007-08-30 11:47:40 Evanescent Dreams: The Dwindling Relevance of American Culture as Depicted in Films Not Yet Conceived
Manuscript by Keith
Edited by Jared Diamond, author of Guns, Germs and Steel
Foreword
By Jared Diamond
I don’t think I can count the number of times I’ve been to Paris, but until 1994, the visits had always been detached as if I were a local who simply viewed the city as home, not as one of the grand hubs of European civilization. While visiting with colleagues, I’d always be shuffled off to one local eatery or another where the bored-looking waitresses would dispense our meals with the sort of indifference that comes from having a local clientèle rather than an endlessly rotating stream of tourists whom you’re striving to please. During my free times in the evening I’d roam the generic streets of the residential districts, bathing in the substance of French home life, all the while trying to convince myself that this was in fact the true cultural experience, not the standar Read more:Movie Review
, Home Alone
Sunday Around The NFL: Randy Moss Vs. Terrell Owens 2007-10-15 00:49:16 Well the much anticipated head-to-head match-up between two of the NFL’s top teams - the New England Patriots and the Dallas Cowboys - and two of the NFL’s premiere wide receivers - Randy
Moss and TerrellOwens
- finally went down on Sunday
and it was a good one.
And while neither Randy nor Terrell had huge days, it was the resurgent Moss who showed why he’s the NFL’s top receiver and head and shoulders above the controversial Owens. Let me break it down for you:
Randy Moss has a great smile.
It’s warm, effortless, and makes you feel like he’s just a big kid who enjoys playing ball.
What a goofball.
Terrell Owens on the other hand, well …
Look, I’m not saying that T.O. doesn’t have a good smile. The man clearly has a nice mouth, and that counts for a lot when you’re talking smiles.
But whereas Randy’s grin begins in his heart and exits his face, T.O. seems to say cheese strictly for the cameras and not for himself.
The Top 10 Rap Songs White People Love 2007-10-10 06:08:03 And I mean fucking LOVE. When these songs come on, White
People look at each other and say "Awwww yeah" or "Hell yeah" and are compelled to sing along. Sometimes there’s also a corresponding stupid dance move.
Having studied White People
for 27 years, my authority on the topic is absolute; this list is damn near bullet proof.
The Top 10 Rap Songs White People Love
10. Positive K - I Got A Man
White People’s most beloved rap duet.
White Girls in particular love this song because it gives them a chance to playfully reject a male suitor’s advances on the dance floor before blowing him at the end of the night. It’s empowering.
9. Digital Underground - The Humpty Dance
Humpty Hump was rap music’s greatest alter ego and actually a good MC but all White People know (and love) him for is "I like my oatmeal lumpy," and "Burger King bathroom."
Fucking White People.
8. Biz Markie - Just A Friend
Oh my god do White People
Hernandez’s Head 2007-09-22 15:44:39 I’m Brian Hernandez and I just don’t give a fuck. I tell it like it is and if you don’t like it well then you can just KISS MY BROWN ASS!
People are always telling me to tone it down, saying that I shouldn’t be so edgy and outrageous. Well I say fuck that!
Like the other day, one of my friends was like, "Hey Brian, you know you should really probably chill on some of the Middle Eastern stuff" and I was all like, "What you talking about?" And he was all like, "You know — they’re crazy," and I was like, "Shut up! You need to be a man and a real American and read your history books and watch Band of Brothers and know who you are and not be ashamed of it."
Well this Middle Eastern guy overheard and he was like, "Hey you should listen to your friend. My people are crazy." And I was like, "Fuck you, Habib. You don’t know who the fuck I am. I’m not white. I don’t apologize
Fuck You, CuteOverload.com! 2007-09-16 04:21:52 And fuck your creator, Meg Frost. Yeah,
You think you know what cute is? You dont know what the fuck cute is. Yeah maybe you USED TO know what cute is but you dont no more. I cant BELIEVE some of the shit you trying to pass off as cute these days. Look at this shit:
That aint cute.
That shit aint cute.
That aint cute. Thats a bird.
Thats unsanitary.
Thats disgusting.
Thats a sock.
BITCH HAVE YOU LOST YOUR COT DAMN MIND?!!!!!!
You wanna know whats cute? I mean you really want to know? You want me to splain it to you? OK I splain it to you.
THIS
is fucking cute.
THIS
is fucking precious.
How you gonna post pictures of snails and bugs and fucking apple cozies and you aint gonna post pictures of the most adorable fucking box of adorable fucking kittens in fucking history even after I emailed you them TWICE??????
I mean would you just LOOK at this little guy’s face?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
And to think that Keith and I were your two straight male readers.
You have lost all cred
Recommend Site To A Friend
