Owner: Katz Dream URL:http://katzdream.wordpress.com/ Join Date: Sat, 18 Aug 2007 05:10:33 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Creative, inspiring, depressing, entertaining, overly melodramatic - a blog about life, love, loss, joy, sorrow, and the stuff that happens when you least expect it and least want it. Site statistics:Click here
Not Today 2007-08-18 04:55:20 You loved me once. I could hear it in every breath you took. Smell it on your skin. Taste it in your voice. It permeated every cell and changed me, filled me, mutated me until I no longer knew where I began and you ended. I was no longer a singular pronoun. It was right. It felt right. It fit right. It was simply … right.
You stopped loving me once. I raged. I begged. I desperately tried to close the space between us where our hearts once joined, but you were standing too far away. I lost. I never had a chance. I cried.
You felt no loss. It is the fact that makes me question love. If you ever loved? How can something go from right to wrong without turning?
I loved you once. I still do, but I no longer trust your heart. Or mine.
Read more:Today
Beginnings 2007-08-17 23:14:41 I have no purpose here. That is the appeal. It is what draws me in and allows words to flow. There are no expectations, no hopes, no false sense of knowing who I am. I am in this spot at this time to do nothing specific - it is a beautiful thing.
The Discovery 2007-08-21 05:34:10 You think you see me. You want to define me. Understand me. You want to file me away under “D”. Simplify me. Lock me away in your mind under a safe category. Make me less threatening to your peace.
I am peace! Am I? Peace is not invisible. I am not invisible! But peace is intangible. Am I intangible, too? Touch me and find out? How could peace be this frustrated? How could peace be this ironic?
You think now you see me. Finally. You have redefined me. The real me. I dance into and out of your reach with every breath. I am not stagnant. I am ever moving, ever changing, ever living.
Stop trying to see me and just look.
Read more:Discovery
The Breach 2007-08-20 17:34:04 We stand on opposite sides of a chasm. I try to care if you fall. I do not care. Fall. If you reach out to me, I will not catch you. I will not reach back. I will simply wait…watch…take a snapshot of your face as you fail.
People will call me mean, sadistic. They do not know you. They do not know me. They have never watched you across the chasm. They have never felt the depth and the breadth of your deceit. Soul-devouring mistakes that erode all but you.
I do not wish your downfall. I do not wish you success. I wish you nothing. I wish to wait…watch…witness.
Will your last meal be what you want or what you deserve?
Read more:Breach
The Mark 2007-08-20 10:40:50 I cannot see it. I cannot point to it. But I know it is there. Throbbing within my lifeblood. Percolating. Bubbling. Boiling. Waiting to spew forth unexpectedly.
It frightens me. An eruption that is inevitable. Uncontrollable. It will be excruciatingly beautiful to watch. It will be impossible to survive unscathed.
It seduces me. I know it is there. Throbbing persistently under the surface of my skin. Waiting patiently for me to accept its claim.
To roll the dice.
Take the gamble.
Accept Life.
Live.
Lose.
I breathe deeply. Not today. It is still there. I know it is still there. Waiting. Watching for its moment. Stalking my soul. Patient and eternal. Victorious before victory.
Pushing Boundaries 2007-08-20 05:44:13 There is a tremble of hope every time I approach you. Fear of being seen. Fear of being unseen. Fear of losing myself somewhere in the sight.
You look my way and I boldly cower before you. A single word reaches out to you. For just a moment you think you know. I slowly reel it back before you grasp your own thoughts.
I am disappointed. I am relieved. I am safe.
I have hidden my smile from you. Lest it seem too familiar. I have closed my eyes to you. Lest you see my soul. I hold myself back. Lest I touch you. What have I left for you to see? To feel? To know?
I am safe. Solitarily safe.
Read more:Pushing
, Boundaries
Battle of Wist 2007-08-19 20:15:37 A soft secret smile. Hands that lightly brush one another before moving apart in silent consent. Gentle sighs that speak of hope without the constraint of words. Eyes that whisper where lips long to linger.
I lean in and gently caress you with my thoughts. I kiss you with my mind. I breathe your name through my fingertips. I feed your fantasies with language and stroke your desires with images. I make you ache for that final rush of understanding.
A gentle constrained smile. Hands that lightly clasp to whispers of hope. Silent sighs that linger on wordless lips. Eyes that close against secret longings.
Chances gained. Chances lost. Wisdom wins.
Read more:Battle
This Second 2007-08-19 13:25:35 Joy bursts forth from my heart and flashes through my senses. It skips lightly over synapses and burns my mind with blazing numbness. It clamors and fills until release is inevitable. Desperate. Necessary. It grows and expands until it is almost tangible. I slide my fingers over its rough satin surface. My breath escapes my lips in a plea of surrender to the grace of the moment. My heart sighs. My soul dances. My life sings.
Read more:Second
Morning Hope 2007-08-19 07:31:51 Expectations are a dangerous thing.
They cancel out what is good today
Promising always to bring
Everything for which your heart would pray
and delivering emptiness.
If I expect nothing from the day, will it be kinder? Will it allow me to appreciate the unexpected surprises for what they are? Or will my liege expectations still strike verily even when I thought they had abdicated. I want to believe again in the something that is unexpected.
I expect nothing from today. I hope it exceeds my expectations.
Read more:Morning
Shades of Echoes 2007-08-18 09:34:55 There is a whisper of things that were that sweeps through my window and settles into my heart. It is quiet and fluttery, but the echo of memory explodes across my mind. Sometimes, it drowns out the present with the vacuous waste of the past.
But sometimes I want it to. Sometimes I want to sink into the essence of what was lost. I want to pretend that perfection is attainable. I want to smell the sweet scent of unbridled joy. I want to believe again.
There is a whisper of things that were that sweeps out my window and takes with it promises and laughter. It steals quietly like a thief, beyond my reach. It cannot be held. It is already gone. Sometimes, it takes my heart with it leaving only an echo .. of a beat .. behind.
Read more:Shades
, Echoes
Lamentations 2007-08-24 09:58:30 I loved once.
I love now, but it is not the same. I have less to offer. It is as if an amputation of self has occurred. I have lost parts of me. Parts of the whole. Parts that made up who I am. What I am. How I give. How I love.
What is left is disjointed. I can love you with this piece of me. Or with this piece. But there are gaps. Places where I am so imperfect. Places where you can’t see me. Places where you can’t know me. Places where I no longer exist. Places where I exist too much. I try to hide them. I hate them. But I know you love me… because you see them anyway.
I loved once. I do not envy it or covet that love. It is a dangerous thing. Love that is, yet isn’t. Love I have hung hope upon that could not withstand the wait. Love that steals.
I love now, but it is not the same. I am hopeful.
Weathering the Storm 2007-08-22 17:37:48 I can feel it in the distance. It sits on the air like warm molasses. Hovers in the deafening silence that descends before it. Pushes before it uncertainty, desperation, fear. It is almost physical in its threat… before it even comes near. It cannot be stopped. It can only be escaped.
Suddenly it is before me… around me… above me. Churning emotions and thoughts in its path. Ripping up dreams. Blowing over possibility. Flattening hope. Not in one steady stream. But over and over again in waves of destruction. Until there is nothing left standing untouched.
Except you. Unscathed, you stand in the aftermath. Amazed at the fragile beauty of survival. A spectator of the human spirit. Cocooned in emotional distance. Trapped in safety. Disconnected.
Read more:Weathering
, Storm
Melt 2007-08-22 12:56:16 It drips through our words. Hot and heavy gliding over syllables like silk. It pools between this moment and the next before slowly overflowing the boundaries of time. It fluidly fills ever space, penetrating every crevice.
And then it cools. Hardens. Stops moving. Distant and removed for the source. Useless. Evidence of fire without the flame. Globules of meaning never explained… never spoken… never shared. Lost.
Until the next spark. Until the next flicker of heat. Until the next blaze of life sweeps through and envelopes us in heat. Setting us afire anew. Forging us together again. Gliding us together in silk.
Weighs and Mean 2007-08-27 21:30:27 Wrong? Or right? The scale teeters back and forth uncertainly.
A voice spoke. You decided it was God and not your own foolish inner voices.
A heart broke. Someone’s had to.
Is He still speaking?
Is it still breaking?
The scale trembles to a halt. Equally balanced… and then splits in half.
As each side lies useless and broken, it knows it was closer to perfection.
The Great Divide 2007-08-27 21:21:23 I stand before you. Analyzed. Observed. Inspected.
All you see is that I am not like you. You miss the nuances that are me. You cannot understand my talents, my opinions, or my gifts. Because you cannot see me as anything but not you.
I do not even notice the difference at first. I see our commonality. I see the thing in our hearts that make us alike. But as you find me wanting, I see more. It is our attitudes that differ. You demand respect. I give it as your due. I ask for the same in return. You scoff.
You have burned the bridge before you even thought to explore the other side. I would allow you. I would ignore your prejudice. But you harm all of us over here.
Read more:Great
, Divide
Wishing Well 2007-09-14 01:07:47 You trip into my presence with your three little letters. Apologies. Awkwardness. Laughter. One sentence spills over into another until a steady stream of thoughts begins to flow. It bends around silence. Leaps playfully over the past. Roars into a frothy, joyous finish.
We spill into the quiet pool below as waves of …regret …uncertainty …loss lap around us. We swim quietly to the edge of what was and leave its cold warmth behind. I start to walk away…but I turn instead. I see us reflected within its cloudy blue surface. For a second, the need to return to its embrace is almost greater than the power of reason.
But I hesitate for a second. A large rock plops into the midst of us, shattering the fantasy into a million droplets of pain. I look up and he stands there. He silently lofts another rock into his hand and grins.
“I waited.”
Read more:Wishing
Mourning Time 2007-09-11 20:44:26 I let my finger glide across the surface of this frosty pane. It slides into lines and loops. Forming the letters of your name before my eyes. It is evidence of your presence in my life. Your impact on my thoughts. In the clock of life, you were here for just a second. But in my heart, you are eternal.
There are instances in life when time seems too cruel. It plays with our dreams. Restricting them. Containing them. Controlling them. When I want to wake up from the nightmare I have fallen into, the blackness seems to wind into forever. When I would choose to remain wrapped within the warm perfection of sleeping hours, daylight breaks through… as dew drops dismiss your name.
I know you were here. Time may remove the evidence from all but my heart and these quickly formed letters…etching you into the path of life.
Read more:Mourning
Haunting Lullaby 2007-09-06 20:46:59 There is on the sigh of the night a whisper of a cry.
I strain to hear more. I weep softly at the silence of hope that follows.
Yet in the dimmest portion of the sky there is still the slimmest sliver of light. Would that light abandon us? Should it not grow brighter?
We stare at it imagining a gentle waiver in intensity with every heartbeat. Is it fading or growing stronger? Does it pulse to your eyes? Through your blood? Can I change it through the strength of my will? Can I want joy into being?
I am but a fool. I could not see joy existed already. My eyes were so fixed upon their mark, that I missed the flicker of it. It danced across the universe briefly in a world-shattering crescendo of glee.
There is on the sigh of the night an echo of music not yet complete. I hold my breath and pray for the melody to continue.
Read more:Lullaby
At the Edge 2007-09-24 05:54:22 A sheen of cool, damp morning air settles upon my skin. It reminds me that I can feel. It echoes the fear that dwells just below the surface today. A fear I am trying so hard to ignore. I have stood here before…watching the ground crumble beneath my feet…praying for its resolidification…waiting for the inevitable plunge into nothingness.
I think if I look deep enough inside myself. If I find something special within me…it won’t matter. I will become weightless. I will float and never fall. I search frantically for that which will save myself feeling desperation replace fear.
That’s where I find it. It had nothing to do with me.
I’m not afraid anymore.
A Quiet Roar 2007-10-03 09:15:32 Silence.
Does it even truly exist?
I sit here listening for the noiseless vacuum that must follow in your absence. I cannot hear it. It is overridden by the pulsing of blood through my veins. A throbbing of need for things unknown… unnamed. A cry that needs no vocal accompaniment.
Silence.
Do you think I do not hear you?
You scream with your lack of words. It reverberates through my soul. It rattles my spirit and shatters my heart without a sound. It is louder than mere phonemes strung together…shouts of meaning without sound waves.
Silence. Blessed. Blissful. Lost.
Read more:Quiet
Bubbles of Our Own Making 2007-11-01 07:11:44 How long have I been trapped behind these walls? Floating around. Waiting. Anxious for you to release me from this past-barred prison. I pound my fists and beg for mercy. I cry out to you. You laugh. You sigh. You leave.
My tears mingle with these walls. Flowing down. Pooling. A physical testimony to the well of pain and emptiness you left behind. I sink to my knees and pray for mercy. I ask for peace. I plead. I sigh. I laugh.
My breath shatters these walls. Disappearing completely. Gone. My only memento of my captivity is knowledge. I was my keeper. My jailer. My pardon. I am free at last.
Read more:Bubbles
The Epiphany 2007-12-10 07:25:53 This blog has been silent for awhile. This site began as a creative outlet for me to regurgitate thoughts and emotions with anonymity. As such, I have felt an expectation that what I write here be artistic and thought-provoking. Hence the silence. I have about fifteen partially constructed writings which I balled up and tossed in the virtual garbage can emblazoned with the label “BS”. I find myself incapable of being creative. I have nothing of import to say; no wise words to paint for you today. My muse has abandoned my soul.
But I offered a friend some advice and I realized my deeds were not echoing my words. So, this post has no creative value. It is not poetic, inspired, or incredibly intelligent. It is simply me.
80% of the posts on this blog stem from my attempt to deal with the hurt, distrust, and various other emotional leftovers from a bad relationship. During this process, I have been in a new relationship whose hope has counteracted most of the negativity of the
Colorblind 2008-01-09 22:36:16 I sighed in wonder and commented on the lovely blue sky today. You said it looked more gray to you. I agreed. It had a gray tinge to it.
You asked what I wanted to do today. I said spend time with you. You left because I lacked purpose.
I told you I loved you today. You [...]
Through the Looking Glass 2008-01-09 07:20:35 Trust.
Do you trust me?
I trust you.
Lies. White lies. But truth is imperfect. It has shades and degrees. Shadows as well as light flash in its faceted front.
But I know you do not truly seek the truth. But simply affirmation of what you already believe. I give you that.
In the end, I am simply a reflection.
Do [...] Read more:Glass
, Looking Glass
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