Owner: Blog of the Devil URL:http://www.blogofthedevil.com Join Date: Fri, 17 Aug 2007 02:37:17 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Have you ever wondered why The Devil doesn't have a blog? And if he did, what he would write about? It turns out he does, at Blog of the Devil. The only blog which "9 out of 10 damned souls agree is the best blog in Hell." Site statistics:Click here
The Devil & UNICEF 2007-08-17 01:00:00 I can’t wait! Only 75 days left until Halloween! It’s taking forever to get here. I get really tired of waiting though; waiting for Halloween is like waiting for Christmas. Except more Halloween’ish.
I wonder what I’ll do this year? The Halloween 2007 Task Force Meeting is next Thursday, and I still have no idea what I want to do this year. Should I put the idea into some me-worshiping teenagers to go on a rampage? Blech. Been there, done that. No, I need something really good this year, something to top last year when I convinced UNICEF
to end their orange box door-to-door annual fundraiser, due to “administrative and security issues.” Ha! I love it. Sure beats that one year when I convinced a bunch of celebrities to join Scientology. Geez, what a bust that was.
Read more:Devil
The Devil & Tweens 2007-08-16 01:00:00 That little punk Zac. Who does he think he is? In an attempt to gain more recruits, I graciously email him, and tell him that while he may think he’s famous know, I have within my power to take his fame ‘to the next level.’ And his response? That snot-nosed twink’s response?
“dear satan,
no way, do i want to sell my soul for more fame. i’ve gotten this far without your help, and i can defiantly become more famous without you.
your friend,
zac efron
p.s. be sure to see ‘high school musical 2’ when it comes premieres tomorrow on the disney channel!”
Give me a break. He thinks a celebrity can make it in this world without the help of yours truly, The Devil
? C’mon. Tori Spelling also thought she was too good to sell her soul to the devil, and look where it’s taken her. Oh I’m sorry, Tori who? So you think Zac, that because a single Rolling Stone cover features you partly shirtless, that you have it made? You probably also think that I had no part in arranging f
The Devil & Theatre 2007-08-15 13:00:00 "Satan sounds like Kevin Spacey?" Are you freaking kidding me?
Leviathan, my Temptation of Luxuriousness Case Worker, saw this article online yesterday and had to show me:
"Satan sounds like Kevin Spacey in Taffety Punk Theatre Company's "The Devil
in His Own Words." Or Christopher Walken. You know the type -- relaxed and charming till it's time to settle on that little soul-stealing deal you shouldn't have made."
Someone dares to portray Satan, the Lord of the Underworld, in a humorous light? Pure hypocrisy -- and not the hypocrisy I usually like.
It looks like I'm going to have to pay this actor/writer, Marcus Kyd, a little visit.
And not just because I loath amateur one-man shows.
The Devil & Obesity 2007-08-15 01:00:00 I feel depressed today. Karl Rove's quitting, Jesus tells me that his numbers are up – and then I find out I’m putting on weight?
Seriously though, I’m a God damn (!) shape shifter. How the Hell does a shape shifter gain weight? This is ridiculous. I can change into any shape I desire in order to bring about the untimely demise of humankind – and yet I can't avoid gaining 20 pounds in the last month. I’m immortal, for Hell's sake. I can’t be fat! Geez, I need a vacation. I need a break from work.
Read more:Devil
The Devil & Insurance 2007-08-14 13:00:00 Talk about a slap in the face.
As much as I try to avoid visiting Utah at all costs (living in Hell is enough for me, thank you very much), I thought I would stop by the rehab center where my pal Lindsay's been staying. She's been rather pissy with me recently, after I gave her fame & fortune, and then left her out to dry. Hey, I'm not a freaking insurance company. I'll give you the money to buy a porsche (or in this case, trade your soul for fame & fortune); I'm not going to pay for your hospital bills once you crash the porsche.
Besides, we actually tried a homogenized system of socialist healthcare here in Hell a few years back. Needless to say, it was not popular at all, especially with some of the damned tyrants and dictators. It amazes me how people who were fascist dictators while they were alive develop this "everyone for himself" attitude once they go to Hell. Go figure.
But I digress. As I was saying, I went to visit Lindsay at the rehab clinic where she's been stay Read more:Devil
The Devil & Moles 2007-08-14 01:00:00 So I talked to Dick Cheney yesterday in our weekly teleconference, and asked him what’s up. He apparently had no idea that Karl was planning on leaving, which I think is a lie. I have to admit, I’m starting to stress out a little, because my moles in the White House have now dwindled from three to two to one. First Donald Rumsfeld last November, and now Karl Rove. I may soon have to recruit Condi, that annoying brown-noser.
I haven’t been this worried since The Purpose Driven Life came out in paperback.
Read more:Devil
The Devil & Karl 2007-08-13 01:00:00 Crap. Holy crap. Crap so holy its gone to church and repented of its sins. I could not be more pissed.
Karl Rove is resigning at the end of this month! I did not see that coming, and I’m the King of All That Is Unholy for crying out loud! You would think that Dick would have said something last week in our meeting. I need to ask him what is going on. This was not part of the plan, and really irks me. Honestly, what the Me was Karl thinking? Sure, we haven’t spoken since our big fight over dinner at Kinkead’s last November, but I didn’t he think planned on quitting. He can't blame The Devil
for Republicans losing the House and the Senate -- that's his fault. I swear to Hell, he’s been childish. He owes me big time, and I have half a mind to collect his youknowwhat.
The Devil & Sinuses 2007-08-12 01:00:00 It turns out that Gressil blabbed to some people - and eventually my potential date - that the handsome Mr. Scratch she was supposed to meet at Ruby Tuesday’s last Friday was in fact the devil. Thanks a lot, Gressil. You told my date I'm the Lord of Darkness, that always goes over well.
Not only do now have to demote Gressil to a lesser degree of Hell, but I now have to devour the soul of a woman with whom I could have enjoyed a nice dinner. And I also have to burn down Ruby Tuesday's, due to my uncontrollable rage. Just perfect.
On the bright side, my sinuses finally cleared up today!
Read more:Devil
The Devil & Bitch 2007-08-11 01:00:00 The bitch didn’t show up. I waited at Ruby Tuesday’s for over two hours and she never showed up.
You think God gets angry when his children are wicked? Try facing the wrath of Satan when he’s been stood up on a date.
Read more:Devil
, Bitch
The Devil & Ladies 2007-08-10 01:00:00 I’m kind of nervous – tonight is my blind date with Gressil's friend. Gressil and his girlfriend can't make it, and so I'm meeting this 'mystery woman' alone. Apparently she’s an old college friend of a cousin of the business executive’s wife whom Gressil damned in Memphis a few years ago. He was clearly lying about them being friends, but I also figure that I’ve been on so few dates in the past century or so that I wouldn’t mind being set up with someone.
If anything, it will finally give me a chance to wear that sexy black mesh shirt I bought when I went down to Georgia last summer. Watch out ladies, when The Devil
puts on his sexy black mesh shirt!
The Devil & Elvis 2007-08-09 01:00:00 You would not believe my day.
First, I get a call from the Property Manager of the 3rd Degree of Hell, telling me that the damned souls in the 2nd Degree of Hell are making too much noise, what with all the wailing and gnashing of teeth due to the fact that their Starbucks has been closed for a few weeks because of remodeling. So I contact Verrine, the Property Manager of the 2nd Degree of Hell, and tell him that the 3rd Degree of Hell has been complaining about the noise they’re making. Verrine informs me that everyone is fine, and that the only one making the ruckus is Elvis
, bitching about something. So I have a talk with Elvis, who tells me he’s tired of rooming with Genghis. I remind him that he agreed to have Genghis Khan as a roommate -- whom no one likes –- in exchange for allowing Scientology to not hold as much power over his daughter, Lisa. So two hours, five grilled peanut butter & banana sandwiches, and one stomachache later, Elvis agrees to put up with Genghis.
Read more:Devil
The Devil & Kimberly-Clark 2007-08-08 01:00:00 I found this great job on Craigslist last night! I emailed them my resume, so hopefully I’ll hear from them soon. I don’t want to get my hopes up too high, but I figure that receiving a resume with ‘Satan: Eternal Lord of Darkness,’ coupled with my past customer service managerial skills, and I’m a shoo-in for the North Western Regional Supply Manager for Kimberly
-Clark
.
Sure, a lifetime of damning souls is nice, but just imagine -- a lifetime’s supply of free Kleenex!
Read more:Devil
The Devil & Girlfriends 2007-08-07 01:00:00 Immortality, schimmortality. Living for the rest of eternity doesn’t mean jack when you have a sinus infection that won’t leave you alone.
So Gressil, the Demon/Assistant-Manager of the 7th Degree of Hell, comes up to me today and tells me that he knows this great girl he wants to set me up with. I’m kind of worried though, because the last time I was set up on a date, the girl ended up getting pregnant and I am so not ready for that kind of commitment. Son of the Devil
? No thanks.
Besides, what kind of awful name is Damian anyway?
So I’m being set up on a blind date for this Saturday. Gressil promises me it will be really lowkey, and that he’ll even bring a new girl he’s been dating named Eva, Adolf’s ex-girlfriend. Apparently he won her in a game of poker. Odd.
Read more:Girlfriends
The Devil & Motivation 2007-08-06 01:00:00 I tell you, I am absolutely fed up with being The Devil
. Can’t an evil, immortal entity catch a break? It’s always “go steal this person’s soul” and “damn that person for eternity.” Sheesh. Donald complains to me how difficult it is running the Trump real estate empire? Please Donald, have you ever tried running Hell?
In any case, I need to go get ready for the Weekly Hell Productivity teleconference with Dick Cheney and the others. Ok, I need to motivate myself – I need to give myself an old-fashioned pep talk:
“Come on, Old Scratch! You’re The Devil! You can do this! So what if you have to go to yet another Weekly Hell Productivity meeting? So what if you’ve been doing the same thing, day in and day out, for several millennia? You can do this – who else has inspired countless political and religious leaders to fall from grace, thus leading their countries and congregations astray? You, that’s who!
Besides, no one needs to know that you’ve been looking
The Devil & Applebees 2007-08-20 13:00:00 Had a rather uneventful Weekly Hell Productivity Meeting this morning. On the one hand, Christianity was down for the week – which is good – but on the other hand, a sense of personal morality was up – which is bad. So either way, it’s a wash. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t, no pun intended.
Dick Cheney really annoyed me during the teleconference though. I think he got spooked by Karl leaving, and briefly mentioned that he’s also been flirting with the idea of quitting as Hell's liaison to the White House. Perfect. Just perfect. I think he’s only bluffing, but if he does quit? I’ll lose all power whatsoever over this Presidential administration. I’ve never had the president to begin with, but the vice-president has fortunately more than made up for the difference. But losing my secret liaison in Dick? What’s next, Hollywood? My arch enemy forbid, the music industry? The number of souls in the music industry alone fund nearly 50% of Hell.
But still, The Devil
The Devil & Blackberry 2007-08-20 01:00:00 I’m so pissed at Steve. The bastard trades his soul for the ingenuity to create the iPhone, and then doesn’t even send me one! It’s been almost 2 months since it came out, and I’m still waiting! I’m The Prince of Darkness for crying out loud, and I’m stuck with a Blackberry 8800?!
I swear to Hell
, the next time I hear:
“Please Mr. Devil
, I want to design another innovate product!”
I’ll say:
“Please Mr. Jobs, are you prepared to go to iHell
ahead of schedule?”
Seriously, a Blackberry 8800. As if I was running Hell
in the Stone age.
The Devil & Switzerland 2007-08-19 01:00:00 Never mind, I can’t get Benito Mussolini to manage Hell while I’m on vacation. He emailed me back this morning, saying that he’s going to be “out of town” during the Labor Day weekend. But he’s eternally damned to Hell - so how can he be “out of town?” That doesn’t even make sense. Let me guess – he’s probably going to try to escape to Switzerland
. Again.
It’s decided, I booked my vacation last night on Vegas.com. August 30 through September 4, The Devil
’s going to Las Vegas! While I do have plenty of evil friends that I could stay with (Wayne Newton, Carrottop, most of the Nevada Gaming Commission), I ultimately ended up getting a hotel room at the Luxor. I figure hey – I can watch Blue Man Group while I’m there! I may be the all-powerful Satan, and can inspire men to leave their wives of 50 years for a woman half their age... but I’ll never be able to do what Blue Man Group does.
Pure genius!
The Devil and Plagiarism 2007-08-18 13:00:00 That little pipsqueak, Robert Novak. Let me tell you why I hate him, a hatred bordering on devilish. Obviously.
First off, he thinks he's such a hotshot because he recently writes a book called "The Prince of Darkness." He thinks he's the Prince of Darkness? That doughy-faced geriatric? Please, Robert wouldn't know 'The Prince of Darkness' if it bit him in the ass. And trust me - I have. I, The Prince of Darkness, have bit him in the ass.
Not surprisingly, Robert's ass tasted like chicken and Geritol.
But really, what a stupid book. While I, The Devil
, do support open-ended thievery and plagiarism, I certainly don't support it when the person being thieved and plagiarized is in fact The Devil. That's like trying to out-good Jesus.
Second, Robert writes this terrible article arguing against a 'Clinton-Obama 08 ticket,' which appears on the website Real Clear Politics. Tsk tsk. Robert Robert Robert. You just don't get it, do you. If you really are as evil as you claim to b Read more:Plagiarism
The Devil & Mussolini 2007-08-18 01:00:00 That’s it, I’m taking a vacation. Really. After drinking myself into a deep sleep last night (Jim Beam + eternal loathing for family values will put anyone to sleep), I decided I should book a vacation during Labor Day weekend. Maybe I’ll ask Adolf to watch things while I’m done. Sure, he’s been on probation for the past decade and been promoted to my coffee bitch, but I’ve been promising him a promotion for quite awhile. This may be just what he needs. Either him, or Musso... oh geez, what's his name. I'm so terrible with names. Mussolini... Benito. That's it. In any case, I’m sure of it – I think Benito would do a much better job.
“Hitler, get me my coffee!” Ha, never gets old.
Read more:Devil
The Devil & Shame 2007-08-22 01:00:00 No luck yet with Hell's thermostat. No 300 degree heat here in Hell; only a sufferable 65 degrees. Instead of the usual stifling heat that causes all inflicted souls to stumble in crippling agony, the weather is perfect for... a game of nude beach volleyball. Fortunately, Focalor the Demon - Maintenance Manager for the North Western Hemisphere of Hell - has been slaving all day to fix Hell's thermostat (although "slaving" isn't as accurate a term as is "chained to the thermostat while being beaten by a cat-o-nine tails whip") and thinks he'll have it fixed by this afternoon. Regardless, his dedication/punishment hasn't stopped Ethel and Julius Rosenberg from initiating the nude beach volleyball game.
Apparently once you've been electrocuted to death, no amount of heat - or shame - can faze you.
Speaking of shame, Balberith the Demon told me today over breakfast that apparently Barnes & Noble has decided to not sell O.J. Simpson's book, "If I Did It." I have to admit, I'm rath Read more:Devil
The Devil & Thermostats 2007-08-21 13:00:00 Wonderful. Just wonderful. As if I didn't already have my hands full with attempting to damn the souls of all humankind, I now have to fix the thermostat.
Hell's thermostat is a tricky thing, it is. True to its nature, it's as stubborn as possible and is as reliable as some major Christian religions. See, every time the thermostat breaks, the temperature plummets. You know the old saying, "not until Hell freezes over?" What many don't realize is that Hell freezes over every other week.
The thermostat broke yet again today, sending all of Hell to an unbearable 70 degrees. I even overheard such comments as "if I had known it would be this comfortable and this pleasant in Hell, I would have brought a jacket for the cooler evenings" and "I think I'll go work on my golf game today." A jacket? Playing golf? In Hell? Would you like a glass of pinot grigio to go with your dreamy walk on the beaches of Hell?
I'm sorry, but aside from myself, the only people in Hell allowed to play golf Read more:Devil
The Devil & Taxes 2007-08-21 01:00:00 I really have to hand it to the Hell Welcoming Committee. They threw quite the 'Welcome to Hell' party last night - and pulled no punches.
While they usually do a decent job, I can understand why they were so nervous in preparing for Leona Helmsley's arrival. What a woman. How does one throw a 'Welcome to Hell' party for a woman so evil, she's just minutes from running the place?
Really though, the party was a great success. The Hell Ballroom never looked better - decorated with hanging dollar bills, 1040 tax forms, and tiny paper mache hotel magnates yelling at sub-employees. Decorations that sarcastic and that clever could not have been thought up by yours truly. Champagne flowed freely, stories were swaped, anecdotes were shared which nearly all ended in "only little people pay taxes." It was great. Leona even laughed during the traditional beating & whipping! It really was a night to remember.
I tell you, a party that good hasn't been had since Jerry Falwell - although i Read more:Devil
, Taxes
Recommend Site To A Friend
