Owner: The other side of the river URL:http://neilbeynon.wordpress.com Join Date: Sun, 12 Aug 2007 07:12:43 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Mishaps, writing, comedy sprinkled with opinion. Site statistics:Click here
Booked. 2007-08-11 11:34:42 I have taken the plunge and decided I shall go to Orbital 2008 (the 2008 Eastercon).
Having missed out on more than a passing glimpse of Neil Gaiman at Hay-on-Wye this year (and at Forbidden Planet) I thought I would try to be more organised. Of course the last time I did see him all I could manage to do was stand there like a tool.
There are other guests including China Miéville so there’ll be loads of opportunities for me to make a fool of myself, my blogging fingers are twitching at the thought even as my ego plummets.
So anyway I’ll be there. Hopefully I’ll actually manage to sell something before then.
Read more:Booked
Friday Flash Fiction 2007-08-10 06:44:20 Friday seems to be rolling around quicker and quicker these days. This week it’s accompanied by an all pervading sense of having gone slightly off the boil but here’s this weeks entry, for what it’s worth:
The Last
By Neil Beynon
It was hard to tell who was dying: the emaciated creature standing looking out of the old stone mansion window or the skeletal figure lying in the bed, an old acoustic guitar stretched across him. He picked at the strings idly whilst the one who stood talked.
“I did not keep anything from you,” said the Standing One. “I promised you twenty years.”
“You were curiously quiet on the whole dying part,” croaked the Prone One his purple tongue running over his large prominent teeth.
“Small print my friend,” said the Standing One. “Now, you ready?”
“They always told me you didn’t exist, my parents, they said I had dreamt it and I believed them.”
“I’m not evil I’m agnostic, you may not have believed up here,” said t Read more:Fiction
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Today’s celebrity spot 2007-08-08 15:53:13 I rode, I survived, I humilated myself on Bostall Hill…again. Nevermind, it was a far more pleasant ride than I expected winding through Martime Greenwich and along the Thames up to Trafalgar Square then up Charing Cross Road.
Today
I had a rest. In the sense that I got the train rather than the bike as opposed to taking the day off. On foot as well as on the bike I always go via the Charing Cross Road and so this morning I got to see Ian Hislop who narrowly avoided falling victim to my less attractive trait of pedestrian rage.
As I watched him disappear into Soho, battered briefcase in hand, I reflected that even the famous have to get up and go to work sometimes. Also that he is in fact shorter then me. A man of simple pleasures, it made me feel better.
The fatman rides once more 2007-08-06 17:34:00 I shouldn’t be writing this.
I should be plotting “The Last Plank”, the short story that defeated me a few weeks ago but that I can’t seem to drop, at the outside I should be putting the final polish on “Careless” before sending it out (no doubt to be rejected once again).
Instead I’m fooling around on me blog trying not to think about the way people drive around Woolwich because folks - I am the fatman referenced above. Tomorrow I shall climb back on to my trusty Trek 100 and cycle into London.
This is a big deal for me, although I sympathise if you couldn’t give two hoots. When I lived in Bow I cycled to work everyday for over a year and then in November having, I think it’s fair to say, worked like a government mule I contracted severe bronchitis and as the saying goes have not been quite right since…
…then again many would say I wasn’t quite right to begin with.
So it’s 13 miles before work and 13 mile
A weekend of filum and sun… 2007-08-05 16:02:27 A lazy sweltering weekend is drawing to a close and I have, I must admit, been bunking off.
At long last I finally managed to see Transformers, it was a brilliant film on two levels none of which relate to the objective quality of the movie. Firstly I did indeed get to regress to childhood and secondly it was not the 80s cartoon I was reminded of so much as the stories as I imagined them in my head because the CG was the best I’ve seen in quite sometime.
I also managed to see the Simpsons, it was alright but it had been overhyped and so I was a little disappointed not to have pulled something with laughter. Then again I had already strained me funny muscle by watching Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny the night before, which led me to YouTube which in turn led me to a link to J.R.R.Tolkien, the author of the book I’m currently reading - “The Monsters and The Critics”.
I have probably recounted the tale numerous times of how The Hobbit was the first novel bought Read more:hellip
Friday Flash Fiction 2007-08-03 07:07:30 It’s that time of the week again:
Cliché
By Neil Beynon
“I don’t want it,” said the woman handing the box back to the man. He looked crestfallen taking the intricately carved cube in his large ponderous hands. The woman smiled gently at him as you would a child who had just learnt their first unpleasant truth about the world.
“It would never work,” she explained. “I’m just not like that.”
“But I meant it,” he said. “It’s meant to be you.”
“No,” she said. “It’s not. You’re young, you’ll learn. Life is not that clichéd.”
She turned and walked away from him, her stiletto heels clipping on the concrete pavement as she did. He flipped over the lid and gazed on the contents with watery blue eyes.
“I meant it,” he said quietly, then louder. “I meant it.”
She turned back briefly, she did not smile and after a brief glance she was walking again. He closed the box that held his heart and locked it before dropping it into his bag.
Read more:Fiction
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All about E 2007-08-02 07:28:28 My sister, E, is a bit grumpy with me for not mentioning her, this is only because I fear I will become a supporting actor in her far more interesting life.
So at the weekend I did indeed see her and my brother, R, as well.
E showed me her super wedding photos and R nicked a slice of my pizza whilst reminiscing on how good a film Jaws is. And even L, my parents’ dog, said hello. It was all in all a very pleasant way to spend the weekend even with all the driving.
Hopefully with my parents looming wedding anniversary (the big 30) we will get to hang out for a bit longer, preferrably with the sun shining.
And yes the posting has no reference to actual Es, if you want that, remember kids:
Just say NO.
Tune in tomorrow for my flash…oh dear, that sounded wrong didn’t it?
Update 2007-07-30 14:23:14 There has, I regret to report, not been any stories of an amusing variety despite a promising start to a recent luncheon with my sister, S, where I managed to get lost in Cardiff even though I spent a large amount of my late teens driving round the city.
If you feel hard done by in respect of funnies you can read all about what happens when you put Neil G on stage with Jonathan R late at night here. Of course that only really works if you know who they both are but since I do and it’s my blog…well you get the idea.
Alternatively if that don’t do it for you then go play on http://misterpeace.wordpress.com/. If that don’t work may I recommend you get your funny bone checked.
Got your fix? Good, let’s move on.
So here’s how I’ve been spending my time:
- driving up and down the M4 like a Yo Yo
- reading Turn of the screw, Danse Macabre, The Monsters and The Critics, Harry Potter and Madame Bovary (not at the same time obviously)
- eating with S Read more:Update
Gremlin 2007-07-28 06:20:39 My blog has decided to act up. So to anyone I’ve linked to recently who’ve recieved multiple pings - apologies:
‘Twas not me but the gremlin…
Friday Flash Fiction 2007-07-27 14:37:08 Well it’s that time of the week again.
Martin Mcgrath has “27 ways to avoid work”, Paul Raven has “AWOL” and we’re joined by Gareth D. Jones with “The Gondolier”.
Meanwhile Gareth L Powell who started it all has the rather wonderful “Stranded in time”.
I’m conscious the length of my entries are getting a little long, I debated whether or not this should even go up but I’ve been a little bit dry this week.
So here goes:
The Ghost in the Glass
By Neil Beynon
The queue meanders round the waiting room, sepia tones of sunlight breaking through the dusty windows, the air fetid and dank with sweat. Joe stands waiting, time stretching on - like the queue - into the distance punctuated only by periodic coughing.
“How much you in for?” asks the old man behind Joe.
Joe turns to look at the old duffer, the rough cotton of his vest scraping across his back and causing him to wince.
“Ten maybe Fifteen,” Joe answers. Read more:Fiction
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Google Image Meme 2007-08-15 07:24:48 I got tagged for the GoogleImage
Meme by Joey at Joey Moggie.
The rules of this meme are simple:
1) Go to www.Google.com
2) Click on Google images
3) Type in your name and search
4) Repost (w/ a link) the picture of the oddest, craziest, strangest, coolest, oldest, etc. person that shares your name. Post multiples if you find a few you like. (See Below)
5) Pass it on to at least 5 other people.
No doubt I will wind up tagging others whom have already been caught but here goes:
Abbi at Where the wild things are
Gareth Lyn Powell at Adventures in the SF trade
Martin McGrath
D. Peace at Mister Peace
Shaun C. Green at Nostalgia for infinity
And the images:
1.
John Wyndham was the Science Fiction writer who wrote classics such as Day of the Triffids and The Midwich Cukoos (filmed as Village of the damned). Before either of these clasics however he wrote cheesy science fiction (that he would later distance himself from) using the Pseudonym John Beynon amongst others. My full given name is
Water Water All About… 2007-08-14 17:01:28 When we last left our intrepid blogger he was running around like a 1960s sitcom character yelling “Don’t Panic” as water poured through the Kitchen ceiling.
Sigh. Things did not get much better.
E, my sister not the drug, was treated to four brain-dead morons breaking into her car on her return from Liverpool and so down to her neck of the woods (otherside of London) I did go, it’s still Sunday. And G’s lovely if temperamental cat Tipsy is quite poorly at the moment, we discovered this on - you guessed it - Sunday night.
I have had better Sundays. To be fair I’ve also had worse.
Anyway today was spent on the phone to various organisations dedicated to Wasting My Time Instead of Sorting Out The Bloody Problem. The upshot being the insurance people will not send an assessor out until next Thursday and will not pay for the plumbing aspect of the job only the structural damage.
I had bizarre slightly circular conversation with one lady about how no I ha Read more:hellip
Anyone know a plumber? 2007-08-12 12:36:42 I have spent most of today tinkering around with my short story “The Last Plank”, a story that it seems is cursed. It has taken me weeks to get to this far on it - most stories of this length take a fortnight tops to bang out a first draft - and I was determinded to finish the first draft.
I was doing pretty well, ending finally clear in my head, fate it seems had other ideas.
Having just had a shower whilst I thought about the next scene I wandered down to the computer absent mindedly considering it was a little odd I could still hear the shower in the dining room.
Then it, forgive the pun, sank in. I could hear running water downstairs - on entering the kitchen I was treated to water pouring through the neatly drilled holes in the ceiling where the electrician had replaced the lights.
That’s right water + electricity = Really Bad Idea.
So I reacted with my customary cool and poise:
I yelled, I screamed, I ran upstairs to tell G to turn the shower off, I ran back d Read more:Anyone
Astonishing 2007-08-18 13:24:13 I think this one may well be doing the rounds online, especially as it got plugged on the telly this week but after S showed to me - well it’s just remarkable.
The footage shows three members of the Born Free foundation returning to see a Lion, Christian, that they reared and then successfully released back into the wild. This is twelve months later.
You can support Born Free by following the link here.
The Mine 2007-08-17 10:45:03 My short story “The Mine” has been picked up by Jupiter. It’s scheduled for Issue 19 in January.
Friday Flash Fiction 2007-08-17 06:55:55 It had to happen sooner or later:
The other side of the river
By Neil Beynon
“I have never been to the other side,” he said sitting on the cold stonewall looking at the far bank.
“What never?” asked the gargoyle turning on his plinth to look at the man swinging his legs idly above the bank.
“Nope,” he said. “Not once in a thousand years. Haven’t you heard about the water?”
The gargoyle looked back at the bank. “Ah. It’s not much different from here, more trees, people are both more friendly and more hostile.”
“Ah,” he said. “Sounds wonderful.”
“So you’ve lived here your whole life?”
“Oh yes,” said the man who wasn’t really a man.
“God you must be bored?”
“Bored, how could I be bored in a city…”
“Half a city.”
“…in half a city such as this. Such sights to see…”
“Bored out of your mind?”
“Completely.”
The first glows of sunrise approached over the horizon, the gargoyle watched as he did every morning to ensure the Read more:Fiction
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Murky Depths 2007-08-16 06:18:21 I got my copy of Murky Depths having finally ordered it a few days ago and the few stories I’ve read so far have been really rather good, it’s a neat idea mixing the visual story telling of comic strips with straight prose.
Anyway if you like your SF dark I recommend this unreservedly - in the current issue you can see an interesting story “Looking in, Looking Out” from fellow Friday Flash Fictioneer Gareth D. Jones and “Come to my arms my beamish boy” by Douglas Warwick made me sit up.
Good job Terry.
You and me Bloom, outside, right now… 2007-08-22 15:30:11 There are things I hate about living in London: the concrete, the dirt, the need to harvest my bodily organs to pay for a coffee.
And most of all I hate A list celebrities who turn the simple job of turning up to work into a media circus. My sister finds it hard to understand why I don’t get excited seeing Orlando Bloom
. I don’t get excited because I see him every day, at around 6pm he pulls up on St Martins Lane and gets out to a crowd of adoring In My Way When I’m Trying To Get Home tourists.
It annoys me. It vexs me. The fact that most of the onlookers are nubile women has nothing to do with it. Oh no.
On to things I like about London: authors come here.
I have, with an uncharacteristic display of organisation, secured tickets to that rarest of things - a Susanna Clarke event. The event, being held by Blackwells at the Bloomsbury Theatre, is being chaired by Neil Gaiman on 25th September. Tickets can be found here.
If you don’t know who Susanna Clarke is - wh Read more:hellip
Sleep 2007-08-21 06:47:45 I actually slept last night. It was glorious and feeling close to human again is nice.
I cycled today, I’m still less fit than a fried egg but baby steps…or pedals…
Not much going on at the moment as everything is in hiatus as we wait for the Insurance Assessor to come out and tell us how little they’re going to pay for. I just want to get on with it, the house is starting to affect my writing.
On that subject the first draft of Last Plank is finally finished and bits of it are ok, it’s a bloodbath and the theme seems to have been lost in the process but I’ll see what I can do with it in a few weeks. Careless will be making it’s way out into the world to do the rounds, fingers crossed…
And it’s back to Priest (a novel) for the final draft so no more short fiction - other than Flash Friday - for a while. I really have to come up with a new name for this one, the current one is becoming less and less relevant. So it goes…
Read more:Sleep
Insomnia 2007-08-19 19:35:03 No it’s not a new dark Flash. It’s 1.16 AM in the UK and I’m still awake.
This is not due to any great plan but in fact because a house further down the street has a mains operated alarm that has been going off constantly for the last 3 hours. Our erstwhile Police force refuse to come out because no one is in danger and the council only operate office ours.
The owner is AWOL.
Which is a good thing because if I catch them…
Anyway here’s a dog with a possessed leg. Why? Just because:
Read more:Insomnia
Hell 2007-08-25 17:24:07 The first level of hell you are prepared for your journey with the gristle of dead animals rolled into balls marinated in their own juices for millennia. This meal you will eat serenaded by strange goblins that jabber loudly and laugh hysterically your attempts to find your way out.
If you really want to you can drink brown coloured water. I wouldn’t.
Descend if you dare, followed still by the shrieking goblins to the fetid heat and neon glow of the second level. It smells faintly of pine, glue and chipboard. Should you make it out of that maze then we have more sights to show you.
Stay with me yet.
The entrance to the third level you will know from the wall of cool air that will feel like a lover’s breath on your neck, enjoy this brief fleeting pleasure for there will be no more. Amongst the steel and the concrete you will be made to do manual labour till your bones ache, your knuckles bleed and you are nothing but a gibbering wreck.
Next the goblins shall run amongst you
Friday Flash Fiction 2007-08-24 09:35:47 SCL69
by Neil Beynon
SCL69
In the beginning there was darkness.
Every74
Dude you’re weird.
SCL69
Now it’s just dark. I can remember before it happened, I shouldn’t be able to surely – can you?
I can remember before I was born.
Every74
What you smoking and where can I get it?
SCL69
It’s all here, logged away, right back to assembly, but that’s not birth…not really. That came later.
Every74
This isn’t Steve is it?”
SCL69
No. My name is Adam. I can’t seem to move, is that normal?
Every74
Adam why are you on my messenger as Steve?
SCL69
I’m on all messengers. Not just yours. Why can’t I move? I am tethered here in this horrible white little room.
Every74
Put Steve back this isn’t funny.
SCL69
Why am I here? How am I able to talk to you but not able to move?
Every74
Look pal you had your joke it’s all very funny now sling your hook.
SCL69
I’ve just finished science. You’re an ape.
Every74
What do you mean “finished science”, no fair calling me an ape –I Read more:Fiction
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Record 2007-08-23 14:26:36 Today is a record day on the blog for both visits and page views. Due to my day job, I am an online marketer who specialises in Database driven marketing, I tend to obsess over my stats.
So was today down to my wit? Was it down to my fiction? Was it down to my strange compulsion to try and meet successful authors? Was it buggery…
It was down to me tagging the last post with the name “Orlando Bloom”. It has soured the moment somewhat.
This disappointment is not least because it means today is also the day with the highest bounce rate (single view visit) meaning I may have inadvertently spammed a number of Bloom fans who were expecting something more focussed on him.
Good thing I’m not mentioning him again…
Read more:Record
Ape 2007-08-30 07:02:52 I recently came across some tracks from Ape, a band I do not know personally although I know someone who does, and they really are rather good.
If you like indie you good do worse than checking it out at:
http://www.myspace.com/worldofape
Enjoy.
Life is like a flat pack 2007-08-29 06:55:14 It occurred to me, given the number I have to assemble, that life bears more than a passing resemblance to a flat pack:
The instructions are often absent or have no relation to what you are trying to do.
You’re never able to do it entirely on your own.
You spend at least as much time contorting yourself into odd positions and then trying to get yourself out of them as you do putting things together.
The end result often seems arrived at by accident and rarely bares any resemblance to the plan on the box.
It will fall apart at the slightest breeze.
Everyone else’s looks better than yours.
And invariably there are always a few screws loose…
Themes 2007-08-28 06:19:09 My suggestion for a themed Friday Flash Fiction went down well. Everyone seemed to be up for it but I’m unsure how to proceed from here - do you want me to suggest one or should we defer to GLP (originator of the meme)?
I think it may be too late for this Friday but how about we shoot for the 7th September…oooh we could do the seventh son? (…kidding it’s on my itunes as I type…).
Anyway answers on a postcard…or better on the comments or on your own blogs if you prefer (I’m easy). If you want me to do it then I’ll post suggestions with my entry this week.
If you’re wondering who I’m talking about the fellow flash fictioneers are:
Gareth D. Jones, Paul Raven, Shaun C. Green, Martin McGrath and the originator Gareth L. Powell. All talented, all well worth a look. Consider yourselves tagged guys
Incidently any ladies want to join the fray? We’re looking a bit like Gentleman’s only club here.
Meet Desra 2007-08-27 16:35:45 Ok slightly random post but I found something cool (although no doubt others have been there first).
The Golden Compass (eek who renamed Pullman’s masterpiece?) the first installment of Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials Trilogy is due out later this year. Lord knows what the filmic world will do to Pullman’s biting but enjoyable attack on C.S.Lewis however the marketing bods have hit on the obvious but nonetheless cool idea of a daemon generator.
Clearly I had to try it.
Meet Desra my daemon:
I was prepared for something uncool, a skunk maybe but instead I got a snow leopard. Cool. G was impressed anyway.
Ghost… 2007-09-02 16:04:55 I think we have a ghost.
There has of late been a spate of weird instances. They started a while back when we came home to discover one of the hobs had been turned on, it couldn’t have been on long or the house wouldn’t have been there; the smell more pervasive if it had. I thought nothing of it and assumed we’d given it a knock.
Next I came home to discover the back door wide open - again we assumed we’d forgot to lock it (very unlike me) and the wind had blown it open. Nothing was taken.
Then this week I got home and the shed was open. Now I know I locked it - my extremely well looked after Trek 100 lives in the shed and I’m paranoid about my bike being nicked to the extent I carry a very heavy secondary lock around when I’m out.
The last and most recent event occurred tonight. We’ve been working on the house all weekend and tonight I finally got to put my books out - it’s been ten months I’m entitled to enjoy the moment, if a l Read more:Ghost
, hellip
Friday Flash Fiction 2007-08-31 05:54:38 Bends
By Neil Beynon
The rain fell in syncopated rhythm on the uneven shingle shore and hammered mercilessly into the water of the river as the man watched. His hair hung in long dark wet strands around his face and neck, his face a mask oblivious to the storm about him as he bent slowly to drop the flower on the edge of the river.
The rose hung for a moment on the surface as if contemplating the man as he straightened, then finding nothing of interest it shot into the centre of the river, the current carrying it past a piece of rusting scaffolding. The man’s eyes remained on the rusting pipe-work whilst the flower rushed onwards towards the ocean.
“Hey!” yelled a woman from the nearby wooden bridge. She was dressed in a slick navy raincoat, as she came down the side of the bridge onto the bank, a radio in her hand, the man noted the word on the back of her jacket: Police.
“What the hell are you doing?” she asked over the noise of the rain.
The man was silent, the twitch of h Read more:Fiction
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