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Thought traveling 1970-01-01 00:59:59 There are times when I look back and try to zero down on the wrong turn I made in life. There was none per se. I did have a troubled childhood. But that's not an excuse. All my siblings had the same troubled childhood. But then againÂ…they all have issues. I was a loner as far back as I remember. Even when we were in Chicago, before moving to Boston. There was the incident of the 5-dollar billÂ…that was the onset of my personal trauma, I believe. My mom's trust meant everything back then, she was my world. It hurt to see she didn't trust me. Looking back, I can only imagine her mortification; I was after all whatÂ…6?? I carried the scar for a real long time and did quite a few antisocial things as a child. Stealing and lying are just a few. Hell, I've even shoplifted a couple of times. But no drugs, no dropping out of school, no running away. Not for meÂ… Stu almost ran away from home I remember, but that's because mom wouldn't get him dog. Ironically, I was
Human Frailty is Bullshit 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Yesterday, I couldn't record my 3BTs, basically becoz there were none to record. Also becoz, I am learning things about myself that I had incarcerated in some backroom of mind for a very long time. They are not things I am proud of or things that amount to wake up calls; they are just things from my past I don't think about anymore. For clarity I thought maybe I should write them down. I love my mom like crazy – I always did. There were a few troubled teenaged years that saw a different side to the story. But now that she is not here in the house with me, I realize what she means to me. She's given way too many sacrifices in her life to make things easier on me and my siblings. As selfless as they come. If I believed in god, she would worship her mine. Actually, I do worship her. There have been many epiphany like moments in the past few days, where I have come to realize that only reason I am sustaining life is for her. I live, eat, breathe because doin Read more:Bullshit
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Victory, Freeway and a little miracle 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Victory
, Freeway
and a littlemiracle
Yesterday again I was emotionally and physically bushed to post my 3 BTs. Maybe the sleepless days are taking a toll on me, like a withdrawal syndrome Three beautiful things for yesterday were… 1) Victory – My entry yesterday in Word Imperfect yesterday was chosen as the wackiest entry. It's a blog where the author posts one rare and strange word everyday and visitors are supposed to give their interpretation of that particular word. Next day the author chooses three best entries and puts up a poll to choose the best one. My entry for the word Maunder was polled the best. 2) Freeway – the place I had to go yesterday is 20 minutes drive on the freeway. That's 40 minutes of freedom for me and my mental thought processes, which take a joyride in such situations, they just roam free and a variety of thoughts and memories flood my mind. I love the feeling. Well the other place I have a similar though trav
Day almost ruined 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I went there, paid a pretty hefty sum as cab fare, found the place, only to see it was closed for some kind of holiday. I got mad, real mad, but am not sure at whom. Arthur warned me, Mom had suggested I find out before I left. So I suppose I am to blame. But I feel awful. Even though the day started on a bad note, on the 20-minute cab ride to get the cursed forms, I made up mind to get back, do some serious studying. But the minute I saw the place shut, I started making plans to divert myself. Call Bridget and have lunch with her? Spend sometime in the coffee shop? Buy some goodies to take home? Get the pics for the application taken? But I did none of the above, I came home, had lunch which I had painstakingly prepared before leaving, cursed the maid who hasn't showed since two days and now am watching an old ER episode. Maybe I'll get some studying done after allÂ… Remains to be seenÂ… Read more:ruined
What if?? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Life couldn't suck more this minute. I am on the verge of a gigantic panic attack with regards to my studiesÂ… Mom's not hereÂ… Patty is showing her usual 'problems with authority'Â… I am expected to cook lunchÂ… Health wise I am totally unfitÂ… My self-esteem and self-confidence have hit new lows if that's possibleÂ… Pediatrics seems like a total shit load of mumbo-jumbo I'm losing itÂ… What ifÂ…I don't get through this timeÂ…? Another year of scutwork and drudgeryÂ… Is that one decision going to affect my life is such Brobdingnagian wayÂ… Where is my spine for heavens sakeÂ…? I am a doctor for crying out loudÂ… No, No, No, NoÂ….. I am not going to go down without a fight. Let's get a shower and a cup of coffeeÂ….
what a waste 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Trust me to waste
a whole bloody day...
F.R.I.E.N.D.S, Lights in the sky and a cozy dinner 1970-01-01 00:59:59 It's weird, even though I had the most unprofitable day possible, when I look back I can still see a few beautiful things that can qualify for my 3BTs for today. 1) Lights
in the sky - a few days after Diwali, people are finishing up their stock of firecrackers. I happened to chance upon the most spectacular firecrackers go up in the sky. But not directly, all I caught was an image in the highly polished granite that lines our picture windows. The effect was heavenly, looked more like a meteor shower than anything. 2) F.R.I.E.N.D.S - they r showing reruns of the sitcom F.R.I.E.N.D.S on TV. Today it was episode where Ross and Monica battle it out with Football on thanksgiving, which just so happens to be the first ever episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S I had seen. And what a show it was, nothing cracks me up like a good episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. 3) A cozy dinner - Since mom's not here, I prepared dinner. Scrambled eggs and toast with extra strong coffee. So
A Shmuck of a 'Friend' 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Damn u Arthur Kallman !!What the hell do u think of urself u hypersensitive shmuck!! We had a dealÂ…we were supposed to go and get the forms for the exam together. But he stood me up!! I called him and he says his cousin is getting it for him. I am pissed because he knows the place and I don't. I am the sort of persons who trusts friends and I do have quite a few friends who will do anything in their capacity for me. Just realized Dr. Kallman is not one of them. I should have known better than to count on someone who is as emotionally immature as Â….well, I am!!! I am gonna have to go and find the place o my own and get the goddamn forms. Going out to find new places is not the kind of thing I do on my own. More often than not, my mom accompanies me. This just server the purpose of hammering the point home that I am totally helpless without my mom around. Well, well we are going to change thatÂ…and we are
Modern medicines, Plumbing and a realization 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Finding three beautiful things in not so good a day takes an effort. Let's make itÂ… 1) Modern
medicines - From the moment I woke up a sudden paroxysm of sneezing thanx to my Allergic Rhinitis, almost crippled me. Trust me when I say it's a disabling condition. I popped in 5 mg of Levocetrizine and within 20 minutes, I was up and about. I even made a full breakfast and lunch, all by myself, with no help from Patty who is still not talking to me. Kudos to modern medicine. 2) Plumbing
-Somehow the water supply in the main bathroom where the water heater is fitted, was cut off for two whole days. Today it got fixed, and I could have a nice warm bath as opposed to the cold showers I took for two days. 3) A realization
- Cooking a full lunch all by myself from scratch, not asking for help out of pride, mad me realize what mom must feel like when she does it every single day. It's no fun to keep house. However, I will try and help mom as much
Allergic Rhinitis 1970-01-01 00:59:59 What happens when I get attacked by it...To learn more got to --> Read more:Allergic
Rains, Gluttons and a personal best 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I haven't been able to post anything new here for the past couple of days as I was trying to slip back into old routines, now that mom is back and we have made her promise that she wont waltz off to Chicago . The three beautiful things for yesterday were 1) Rains - An untimely shower hit the city late in the evening yesterday. It lasted for a quarter of an hour maybe, but left behind a lingering smell of fresh damp earth. I was at my desk studying, and couldn't help but drift back in time to my days in San Francisco, where staring out of the window,mesmerised, at the pouring rain was what I invariably did when I was supposed to be studying. 2) Glutton - Even though mom has been back in town for almost three days now, only yesterday did she prepare a full lunch. It was not a feast per se, but to me and Patty, who truly believe home cooked food is the best in the whole wide world, it was a feast alright and we stuffed ourselves till there was no room! &
Spiralling down 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Avoiding to post here, off late, amounts to not dealing with my feelings and bottling them up inside me. Results obviously have been disastrous. Mom has bee back over a week now. It would not be fair to say that she broke my rhythm when she left. I was wallowing long before she left. Days are winding down fast, really really fast, and more often than not, I find myself filled with doubts. The confidence I possessed, 5 months back, is totally gone. Just 60 days to go, and I have everything left to do. Medicine, PSM, misc subjects, not to mention that I hardly remember a word of what I have read so far. The GC is anything but stable. Then come thoughts of back up plans, not in the real sense of the word, coz if I don't make it now, I'll have to wait another whole year. SO by backup plan I mean my escape route, from the shame that would be the days after the results are out. I am thinking I'll hide it out in my aunt's farmhouse, down south. Then of course I'll
Taking stock 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Moments of self-doubt and momentary setbacks are but obvious. Either I can tell myself that I am not good enough, I am too weak or I am not going to make itÂ…orÂ…I can help myself overcome the hurdles and push ahead in spite of all the encumbrances. Am I Einstein? Or his descendent to expect super human IQ? Do I have a photographic memory? Am I hardworking? The answers to all the above questions are different emphatic tones of NO!!! SO how can I expect myself to remember something I had studied over a year ago. There is a good chance I am not going to make it this year as well! Or still worse have to settle for something less! But life goes on. Contemplating suicide is not an option; we have determined that already on multiple occasions. Only thing I can do now is play to my strengths, though they might not seem adequate. Clearly retrospective study is not my cuppa tea! Only thing it succeeds is to leave me baffled and self-loathsomeÂ…so we'll try to steer cle Read more:Taking
Countdown, sisterhood and a Blankety blank 1970-01-01 00:59:59 1) Countdown
- I have put up this countdown calendar on my desktop, with adorable little done stamps. Initial few days were so excruciatingly painful. But now it shows there are only 2 more days to go till mom comes back and I cant start living a semblance of a life. YahooÂ…Â…Â…. 2) Sisterhood - After not talking to me for two whole days, Patty and I finally made up and she helped me in the kitchen with lunch. She's not much of cook but will do for a sidekick!!! 3) Blankety Blank - There is really no third Beautiful thing for me to report today. Hoping things will improve in a couple of days. Read more:blank
Clinical experiences 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I have been thinking of writing down clinical experiences
of mine as a med student and intern for quite some time now. I could have done that back in med school, I really wanted to except that I did not have a notebook or internet access. But the few clinical experiences I am talking about are still very vivid in my mind.But it would be difficult to post it here, cause it would be contradicting the situation and places. I will not be able to come up alternative explanations to why the things that happened did. Difference in social structure and availability of resources. The experiences I am about to relate would remind the readers of the episodes in ER where Dr. Kovac and Dr. Carter battle it out in Africa. Maybe no that bad but almost approximating them.Why did the primi exsanguinate?Why did we not resuscitate the old post surgical patient of Ca rectum?Why did the baby with….Forget it…I don't think this is the time or place for me to extol the deficiencies of the medical system
Pizza, blogging and a mesmerizing sunset 1970-01-01 00:59:59 1) Pizza
- Since Patty had to attend an extra class today, I didn't have to cook at home. I just ordered a Mexican Green Wave Pizza and enjoyed it in front of the TV. Looked every bit the couch potato that I was once (and temporarily am, at least till mom gets back) 2) Blogging - This stupid blog of mine crossed the hundred-visitor milestone. Not a great thing? For me it is. 3) A mesmerizing sunset - Weather's changing, winter is setting in. The sunsets have shifted to my favorite part of the horizon. This evening I watched, spellbound, as the sun slowly went down behind the high-rises. (I want to say behind the hills, but I live in one of those concrete jungles)
Lazy and Hazy 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Today had planned to do a lot of productive work. Get the studio pictures taken, clean up the house, cook another full lunch. But doesn't look like any of that is going to happen. I was up late last nite, reading Danielle Steele's 'Ransom', consequentially got up just shy of 10 this morning. Feel like a hangover of sorts. I used to have this kind of a day back in med school, waking up at 7 am used to be so excruciating at times, I would miss both the 8 am 'Morning' lecture and clinics as well, sleep till 11 and join the others for lunch at noon. There was also this record of sorts that I had set. Slept at a stretch for 18 hrs, starting from 9 pm at night to 3 the next afternoon. Then I had to wake up for lunchÂ…but after lunch I went right back to sleep for another 5 hrs!!! Am really glad, I have at least tamed one of my monsters - the sleep demon. But my sleep habits still don't merit the hygienic tag. Have other things to think about. Just waiting for m
Working on hearts 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The last place I worked, or rather the only place I workedÂ…was an experience in itself. As a doctor, I was 'raised' in a general hospital, where we catered to the poor man. However, the place I worked in was everything my teaching hospital was not. It was marble flooring and high-end technology and even higher antibiotics. It's difficult for me to paint the contrast in the picture as I have refrained from extolling the virtues or rather the lack of them in my alma mater. Well, I was talking about my stint in this hi-fi heart specialty hospital. I worked there for six months on a contract basis, under the job title of House officer in the CVTS department. For the uninitiated its Cardio-vascular thoracic surgery. Well I am not a surgeon, so what was I doing there? It was a lets say, a figurehead position. Patients consulted their family doctors, got referred to a Cardiologist, got a battery of tests run, got referred to CVTS surgeons from the panel, got advised surgery mostly CABG (C
A Wedding saga 1970-01-01 00:59:59 7.45 AM Checking inÂ… Actual studying will start in a few minutes Dreamt of Peyton last nite, nothing disturbing, all the hoopla about Bridget's wedding. Lets see how that turns out!!! 7.50 AM Nothing in the mail (as usual.) Inventory says reading all the books on the topic at a stretch might be more helpful. HmmmÂ…that's going to be quite a handful. 8.16 AM Am hard at work and mom brings in the coffee 11.00 AM 2 hrs of memorizing, one hour of contemplating chicken shopping, a tiff with mom on dearth of onions for the chicken and one roll of roll cap later, am back at the desk to do some more memorizing. 12.40 PM Enough studying, time for playing 1.51 pm YeahÂ…won AOE2 againÂ….what next? No lunch, so had a banana. Feel groggy in the head so a siesta maybe? Let's check in say 4 pm? I can give it a shot. 4.33 PM Got up at 3.30 PM. Had lunch, fooled around a bit and now am back at the desk looking forward to a f
New year musings 1970-01-01 00:59:59 One more year has passed, and I am still where I was last year. I am not trying to play the blame game. Cause there will be my name and mine alone to nominate, which is not such a good thing is it now?A part of me wants to pull everything apart and analyze as to what went wrong, but most of me wants to wait it out for another month or so to deliver a failed verdict. Until after the results of all the exams I'm to brave in the coming few weeks, have been declared. But I suppose, god forbid, if things do not fall into place in a months time, I am not sure if I'll be in a state to do an autopsy of the year that was. There are times, when I myself am amazed by the fortitude that I have displayed in the face of what can only be labeled adversity. Given, I may never be able to come up with the diagnosis, or the underlying cause, but I sure as hell can do some damage control or rehabilitation of the Â…erÂ…condition.Maybe I should have visited San Francisco at least once in the
Wrapping up 2006 - Part I 1970-01-01 00:59:59 It's kinda weird; when every morning I wake up I tell myself stuff to kick-start the day on a bright, inspirational note, without taking into consideration at all the occurrences of the previous day no matter how dismal they were. It makes me jump me out of bed, freshen up and look forward to what the tentative schedule for the day is. Of course, there are no guarantees I won't steer from the schedule as the day progresses. And more often than not, by the time I have had my morning mug of hot coffee and skimmed through the newspaper for any notable tidings, my resolve sort of dissolves and all I am left with is a longing to get back under the covers and snooze. But it feels good, all the same, that no matter how crushed I feel in one day, I can look forward to the next with hope for better possibilities. Now that's good right? I don't bring myself to brood forever, a day at the most. If that isn't living life by the day, what is? All this, however, doe Read more:Wrapping
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