Owner: Queen of Dysfunction URL:http://www.queenofdysfunction.blogspot.com Join Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2006 17:04:38 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: What happens when a 32 year old wife and mother of two decides that blood may or may not be thicker than water, but it is definitely messier. Site statistics:Click here
Is it comedy if it makes me want to choke him? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I have a mission for my readers, should you choose to accept it:Find the asshole who told Dane Cook he was funny and drop kick him through the gates of Hell.Have any of you seen this guy? He sucks. His standup is not funny. By my calculations, he should register somewhere between gonnorea and and sticking razor blades into one's corneas on the popularity scale.What were the execs at HBO thinking? Were they high when Tourgasm was pitched to them?Cook's agent: Hey, I've got an idea! We know that cable viewers are still reeling from the loss of Dave Chappelle. Why don't we replace his fresh and smart brand of comedy with someone who is painfully unfunny and throw cable TV's version of a blockbuster budget at him? He has no discernible talent, his material is shallow and predictable, and the best part? His delivery SUCKS!HBO: That idea is guaranteed to endanger our status as a legitimate purveyor of entertainment and will probably result in most of our viewers abandoning ship for good Read more:makes
Kings vs. Spurs (Part Two) 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Have I ever mentioned how much I love Tim Duncan? Well I do, I can't help it. You never hear about Tim Duncan missing a Super Bowl because he went on some drug bender, or shooting up clubs, assaulting photographers, beating his girlfriend, or any of the other things that a lot of pro-athletes seem to get caught doing.Tim Duncan's momma done raised him right and if I weren't married already I would have lathered myself in super glue, run down to the court, and wrapped myself around Duncan's legs until I had been surgically removed and he had obtained a restraining order. Duncan at the free-throw line. (Pardon me while I go to my happy place.)I was so lucky last night! I got a picture of myself with Mr. Duncan! (You'll have to pardon him for not posing, he was a little busy with work and all.)Here is the woman of the hour. My nextdoor neighbor Maria and I, posing for a shot in between beer and food. Maria is the friend who invited me to come along. Oh yeah, I owe her big for this. I Read more:Part Two
, Spurs
Everything I never wanted to know I learned from Hooter's 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Part I: Travis does believe in God, just not one that your parents would approve ofLast Friday I met Travis at Hooters. Apparently his idea of a religious experience involves scantily clad women and a buffalo wing communion."This place is like church for me." A heavenly glow actually beamed down on Travis's head as angels sang."Hooters?""Yeah. Don't you just feel closer to God in here?""I feel closer to something. A VD maybe."Lesson Learned: Travis feels closest to God when he's in a burger joint staffed by chicks with names like Tiana. (Side note: How does Hooter's find such large groups of dippy girls with stripper names? Are there secret mines somewhere in the world with large trollop deposits? Does Hooters smelt trollop-ore to produce such gems as Jenna and Bambi?) Part II: Don't ever let Travis order drinksAs soon as we were seated Travis ordered something that looked like red death when it was dropped off at our table."What's that?" I asked. "A Hooter's Shooter." Travis t Read more:Everything
, wanted
Come out and play with me... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 At the height of the dot com boom I worked in Silicon Valley at Cisco Systems. My brother worked just down the road in Scotts Valley for Seagate. We were both new college grads with degrees in English and Anthropology respectively. Both of us were fresh out of environments that involved serving fries.After lucrative college experiences in which we swore we would be Barbara Kingsolver and Indiana Jones (again respectively) we had no idea how we ended up in the maelstrom that was the tech sector in the late nineties....and we really had no idea what to do with ourselves after being handed corporate IDs, e-mail accounts and laptops.So we did what we always do, we made up games, prank-called each other, and and behaved like total and complete dweebs. I mean, it's not like we were non-productive. My brother was promoted once and I was promoted twice during our tenure with corporate America. It's just that after spending the last several years of our lives working at breakneck speed in the
"At least you've got your health."
Isn't that wha... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "At least
you've got your health."Isn't that what people always say when everything has gone to shit? If you went out into the world tonight and found some poor jerk who is being evicted after his dog died and his wife left him, there would be some asshole who would say At least you've got your health.When someone says to you at least you've got your health it's supposed to be your cue to laugh at the ridiculous assertion that health is important at a time when you wish a Mack truck would help you end it all.Two years ago my husband and I converted to Catholicism. To do so as an adult you are required to complete roughly six months worth of classes, called RCIA, or Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults. So for six months my husband and I attended classes every Wednesday night and Sunday morning after Mass. During this period, one of our fellow candidates took his son to our local emergency room for what he believed was one of the routine medical bumps that small children are pro
Kings vs. Spurs 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I'm going to have to do this in two posts because blogger won't let me post more than a couple photos at a time.So the Kings lost last night. We still had a great time because having "full run of a corporate suite" means we were handed the keys to a private room with free food, free beer, and someone to wait on us like we were Bahraini royalty. We didn't even have to leave the suite to go brave the two-mile-long line to the women's restroom. Suite! Er, I mean... sweet!This is part of our little group noshing before the game.This is Renee, our suite's head dominatrix. She was FREAKING AWESOME. She fluffed our pillows, brought us beer and had some great stories about past events at Arco. When we first arrived, Renee showed us where the door to the suite and the lock on the refrigerator had been busted open the previous night by over zealous UFC fans who stole all the booze. (Side note: After hearing that the UFC fans behaved as if they had all been pre-qualified for food stamps, I w Read more:Spurs
Agenda 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I've got nothing today. Sorry folks, but lately my life has been about as exciting as watching your grandparents take in re-runs of Lawrence Welk on a Saturday night. While this is excellent for myself and my family, it doesn't do much for posting since I don't have any "my brother in law snorted a half gram of coke and raped a zoo full of monkeys" posts to offer.This has been my world for the past 24 hours:- I'm going to move forward and take the introductory course for our local funeral service education program.- I believe I have mentioned my daughter is into sticking things where they don't belong right? After I showered this morning I found all my shoes and slippers in our two laundry hampers and several garbage cans.- I walked past my tank last night and witnessed one of my Pacific Blue Legged hermits licking his fingers after snacking on a brand new fire shrimp I had added just last weekend. That's one of the problems with saltwater setups; someone is always eating someone
Darwin Is A Lying Bastard 1970-01-01 00:59:59 As a parent, I have days during which I wonder what the staff in the maternity ward was thinking when they actually released me from the hospital and sent me home with my babies. What they should have done was pumped me full of demarol, pushed me into the parking lot, and handed my children off to the first head trauma case who walked into the ER. (Trust me, my kids would have been better off for it.)I mean if you really knew me you would realize that I'm not exactly parenting material. Seriously, I'm REALLY NOT parenting material. At all. I was never a big "baby person," was never charmed by toddlers, taken in by five year olds. When I was in my twenties and still childfree I never gave anyone under the age of 21 a second glance. Until I had my son, my experience with small children was limited to bopping them on the head when I caught them drinking the flavored syrups on the table as a waitress at IHOP.When I brought my first born home from the hospital it took me a month to get th Read more:Darwin
, Lying
Full Dance Card 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Was it just last week that I was bitching about feeling isolated? Well, I take that back. All the sudden my dance card is full. Tonight, the venerable Travis and I will be taking in the culinary stylings of Hooters at Arco Arena because, well... it sounded like a good idea after a night of drinking and donkey shows, and I'm not one to back down from a challenge even after I sober up. I promise that a true blue redneck food review will follow. With photos.Tomorrow I have a girl's day with my nextdoor neighbor Maria and a few of her co-workers from the Make-A-Wish Foundation. The neighbor and I have struck up a friendship that has only been strengthened by a mutual desire to survive the relentless suburban silliness by our other neighbors who still believe that we are engaged in Colors-inspired gang warfare to reclaim our turf.Tomorrow night, my neighbor's husband is throwing her a surprise birthday party at a local Italian restaraunt. Much food and red wine is promised. Will there be Read more:Dance
I got out of the shower this morning to find that ... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I got out of the shower this morning to find that my husband had found my super secret hiding place where I stashed all his Michigan gear to prevent him from having our entire house decked out in maize and blue.We have flags, diecast replicas of "The Big House," action figures, t-shirts, autographed mini helmets, autographed regulation helmets, autographed footballs, jerseys, shot glasses, pint glasses, golf balls, autographed caps, and a Bo Schembechler bobblehead with black ribbon tied around it.Each and every one of them is Michigan memorabilia too, each has a fat block "M" to remind us that in case the blue and gold coloring, the fight song playing in the background, and my husband yelling "GO BLUE" intermittently wasn't enough... well, apparently our house has turned into "little Michigan" for the day.Can someone pick me up? I need to hear someone's voice saying something that's not "Hail to the Victors."
How I spent my Thanksgiving. By QofD 1970-01-01 00:59:59 My husband and I have become pretty good friends with our nextdoor neighbors. We have been barbecuing, hanging out, watching football and generally having a good time together.That may change after yesterday. Several weeks ago I came up with the bright idea of registering for the Sacramento Thanksgiving
Day "Run to Feed the Hungry." This race is a huge fund raiser for our local food bank and features both a running and walking event. What, I reasoned, could be more fun than paying $30 for the privilege of getting up early on Turkey Day to join 20,000 runners and alternately freezing and sweating our soon-to-be-tryptophan-laced brains out?After all, I love to run! Doesn't everyone love to run? How can you not love to run? Running is great!So with all the yippie and annoying enthusiasm of a meth-addicted chihuahua, I harangued not only my husband, but our neighbors into registering for the event. Everyone humored me, signed up, picked up their race packets and we were off.I will give yo
Black Friday 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Will some of my readers please go over and tell Pirate hello and talk him in from the ledge a little? That request goes out to my semi-normal, current-on-their-psychotropic-meds readers and not the ones who found my site using "Tijuana donkey show" as the search terms. You sick fucks might want to stay away from Pirate. He has nutted up enough to resort to eating deep-fried spam, and everyone knows that once someone resorts to eating deep-fried spam they cannot be held legally responsible for their actions.So anyway, where was I? Oh yes. How is everyone's BlackFriday
going? Good, good. Mine was going well up until the point that Harvey (new to this blog? Meet Harvey here and here) discovered that he can access the internet from his tank using Blue Tooth technology. Of course I did not discover this until he had a lava lamp delivered to our house today."What's this?" I asked my renegade fish. "What the hell are you going to do with a lava lamp?""Heya, toots. Calm down. It's just uh, Read more:Black Friday
Stuff 1970-01-01 00:59:59 This is the part where I resort to low-brow humor and post a video of some random drunk guy who decided to hula hoop the fateful night that Travis and I went to Hooter's. If you listen hard enough, you can hear Travis pimp out his website to the drunk guy on the right with a camera phone.I have spent the day working on one of my "book projects" through which I am sure to earn fame and glory. Or at least a mention in the society column of the neighborhood newsletter.In other words, I have nothing left to write a halfway entertaining post about. Besides, my husband is still in shock that I threw a post up about our internal debate over who should get snipped. He has threatened to stop wearing underwear a la Britney if I continue to write about our bits and parts on a website that (ostensibly), the world can see (trust me, nobody wants that.)
Lett'in it all hang out 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Ok, so the weather here has gone schizoid on us. After several days of the type of bone-shattering cold that sends most of us into raging seizures, Californians are being treated to more "sunny and warm with highs in the upper sixties." Not that I'm going to complain.Hell, everyone else in this state is on drugs so why not Mother Nature?Anyway. The King and I have decided to suspend procreative operations in the Dysfunctional household. Actually, the word "suspend" is misleading. We've decided is that there is no way in hell we'll be adding to our brood through a pregnancy that takes place in my body. And when I say "we" I really mean "I" as in "I decided the idea of becoming becoming pregnant again was as attractive as being stranded on a rubber raft in the north Atlantic with a dozen sadistic sexual predators."Plus, I don't want to contribute to the type of gross overpopulation that causes head explosions within the granola eating ranks (although I am usually in favor of causing
MMMWWAAAHHHAAAAHAAA 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The Queen doesn't realize it, but she just gave me access to her site!!!! Let the Fun begin!!!KofD
My Apologies to All 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I just want to apologize to everyone for being so whiny on this site. I really have a wonderful life. My children are incredible, I have the most amazing husband (who's hung like horse), I live in a beautiful home, my in-laws are great (they are responsible for my extremely well-endowed husband) and I really have nothing to complain about (other than the occasional concussion I get from our headboard). Thanks to all who have put up with all my complaining, I promise to be a much more pleasant person in the future.-QofDNot KofD (or as I like to call him"Tripod"), no seriously this isn't KofD.Really, it's QofD, for real.
Playtime is OVER 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I walked into the kitchen this morning to find Harvey swimming back and forth in his tank, eager to tell me something."Heya, toots. You should uh, go check your blog. Something's happened.""Ok... you screwed with it again didn't you Harvey? You know, I banned the blue tooth stuff from your tank for a reason.""No really! It wasn't me this time!" Harvey spread his fins and looked at me with a hurt expression on his little blue scaled face. Then he motioned me closer to his tank and whispered, "I saw the King postin' stuff last night.""Wha?" I was surprised. The King is an engineer. Up until this point in our marriage he has shown zero interest in anything that can't be mathematically quanitified, described, and predicted. So you can figure I was pretty blown away when I logged on this morning to find that the King had been posting some pretty absurd shit (I mean tripod? Really?)"Yeah. He was even downloadin' nekkid pics of Tom Brady."Well, that was hardly a surprise. If Tom Brady w Read more:Playtime
Freakin' Amazing 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I had the most amazing experience today at a race. This time I wasn't the one doing the running though.My six year old son did all the running while mom watched from the sidelines. It was one of those times that put being a parent second to nothing. Not just for me, but for a lot of parents out there. I also realized today that I need (not want, NEED) to actively rehab my injury and attempt another marathon. Anyway, as soon as I have the time to sort out my thoughts and commit something to electrons I'll post something about it. Read more:Amazing
I want to thank you, for putting me back in my snail shell... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 If I had videotaped the spectacle that was dinner time at the Dysfunctional household tonight, I could have packaged it, pitched it, and sold it to Pfizer as an ad justifying the insane rate at which Americans are being prescribed Xanax.Nights like tonight have made it necessary to erect a toddler gate between the front of our house (bar room, office, aquarium, half bathroom) and the rear of our house (everything else.) So now the King and I have proudly established a plastic and mesh demilitarized zone designed by Fisher-Price.I have christened the "adult" side of our DMZ "The West Wing."...and so, it is with great pleasure that I have had the opportunity to surf the net and catch up with a few gems.#1: Travis is my favorite Sacramento blogger who needs an editor. Seriously, this is the funniest thing on the web since Maddox told us he can draw better than your kids.#2: James is my favorite Miami Herald based writer who isn't Dave Barry. Check out his review of John Legend that ran t Read more:snail
How Stephen King validated me as a writer and a human 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I have never enjoyed writing workshops. I don't like them. I think that unless you are workshopping work with someone who possesses both the courage to impart a genuine opinion coupled with the ability to suspend social graces temporarily to do so, workshops are a huge fucking waste of time.As an English major I was exposed to toxic levels of workshopping. My colleagues and I would review each other's work before presenting (mostly) superficial opinions about what we had read. The mundanity of the task at hand notwithstanding, my bigger beef with workshops was that most of them were monopolized by chain-smoking trust fund kids who developed angst as a hobby.Most of these kids had the cash backing required to spend their days dying their hair blue and bitching that their parents didn't understand them over five dollar cups of coffee. Instead of offering useful feedback, they were prone to strategically uttering Morrissey-inspired phrases with the hope of making themselves look proper Read more:human
, Stephen
Color me a badge bunny 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Life on Bella Terra Drive* isn't always peachy. No, there is a seamy side here too. A dark underbelly to the little neck of the suburban woods I'll call Hades today. There are members of a movement so evil that it will require some very specialized forces to conduct surgical strikes and rip them out like the cancer they are.I'm talking about speeders.See? Life here isn't all about white collar jobs, unjustifiably huge SUVs and slavish consumerism. We have our problems too. Most of these problems come in the form of hurried yuppies who think nothing of tearing off our rear bumpers making an illegal u-turn through driveways, or dodging the kid up the street as he races his Camaro through crowds of school children.So you can imagine the satisfaction I felt in my little black heart when I noticed several motorcycle-bound members of the Elk Grove Police Department hanging out in front of my house, pulling people over with speed and efficiency of Paris Hilton in a mirror store. I've bee Read more:Color
Junkety Junk Junk 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Random! Stuff! Because when I woke up this morning to see Britney Spears sans pants and undies the creative center of my brain turned in on and ate itself!- I hate this little tic with blogger in beta where you type in your username, your password, and then click the box that says "Remember Me" only to have to do it all again when the computer forgets me. I mean really people, I'm a busy woman and I have much better things to do with my time than type onewomandonkeyshow@gmail.com then islurpky over and over again.- "My Death Space" is not working. Every time I click on the link in my favorites I receive an error message that reads "This IP address cannot be used for browsing." What? No more posts about daft twenty-somethings overdosing, wrecking cars, and trying to outrun trains? How am I expected to work in these conditions?- Pirate is on crew-x, which is really great for him. No really, it is. We're, like, sooo happy for you dude. Have a good time rekindling the fire with PW and en
Developmental disability anyone? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 My brother and I talked over the phone two nights ago. The 28th was his birthday, so I made sure to call him way too early in the morning so I could rouse him out of bed and give him an irritating start to his day. Our relationship is very passive-aggressive like that. He repaid the favor by hanging up on me in the middle of my goth version of Happy Birthday.Whatever. Killjoy.So, he returned my call later in the evening, when he was more fully awake and fresh from a day of putting his Master's Degree to work sorting big rocks from small rocks at the site of his latest archaeological survey. He had some interesting news. He has been diagnosed with Asperger's Disorder, a mild form of autism. (DDQ, PLEASE DO NOT call him about this. He is telling people as he is comfortable. Even our parents don't know.)"So, how does this change anything?" I asked him. By the way: This diagnosis? Not a surprise. My brother is an incredibly good man and a decent human being. Still, he has always been pr
Meme 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Thanks Pirate for tagging me. No really, thanks a lot. My readers will thank you too, because once they read all the boring details of my life they will undoubtedly give up using Sominex and Tylenol PM in favor of my narcotics-free solution to insomnia.Here's the lowdown - Each player starts with the "6 Weird Things about You." People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says 'you are tagged' in their comments and tell them to read your blog."So here it is. Six weird things about me. I promise to make it short and sweet.1. I am going back to school to be a mortician. Yes, I realize it's an odd profession to aspire to, particularly for a woman who already has her bachelor's in an unrelated field.2. I am constantly calculating the prime factors of numbers. Whether it's an 800 number on a billboard or an athle
Osterzeist lipsnitckzy 1970-01-01 00:59:59 My son is bored with traditional Christmas Carols. He has decided to make up his own. But there's a hitch; the boy hates to sing. So instead he delivers something that sounds like one of those incomprehensible spoken word diatribes that were so popular with stoned artsy types when I was in college.The boy will start out mumbling something to himself. This mumbling gives way to smashed-together phrases that are delivered in a cadence so odd you would swear the boy was a native speaker of Swahili. Oh yeah, and everything he says is utter nonsense. Phrases like "JESUS is better THAN Butterfingers." are followed up with "And our Christmas tree is bright with light like BOTTLES!"What makes the experience even better is the odd fashion in which he decides to stress certain syllables or emphasize words at random intervals. I keep expecting him to follow up each performance by lighting up a clove cigarette and donning a beanie.How does one parent a three and a half foot tall Jello Biafra?
I must present myself horribly. Or maybe it's the ... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I must present myself
horribly. Or maybe it's the blonde hair. Whenever I meet someone new I am frequently told how wonderfully well-spoken I am. Yeah, I know this is a compliment. It's the way it is said that always leaves me baffled.You see, what comes out of people's mouths may be something along the lines of "Wow, you are wonderfully well-spoken!" but it's always accompanied by non-verbal cues that scream I expected you to open your mouth and speak bimbo!Moving right along... I was stretching at the gym yesterday after working out. I've noticed that whenever I move to the unofficially designated "stretching area" an elderly gent appears at a nautilus machine right next to it. He's a pleasant guy who spends a lot of time at the gym and if I had to hazard a guess I would place his age at about eighty.I never questioned why he would relocate to this particular machine every single time I stretched. I could finish my workout on the second floor and walk past him pedalling away on
This blog has been interrupted... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I was walking in downtown Sacramento today when some guy whistled at me and made a crude comment in which he invited me to perform a specific sex act.Usually I just wave this crap off. On the odd occasion that I don't have my kids with me and I'm feeling particularly saucy I'll give offenders the bird. Today I felt a strong desire to punch the guy in the face.Since I'm not writing this post from lockup, y'all can assume correctly that I resisted the impulse and ignored him. After all, I'm not going to put my ass in a sling over some libidous idiot. Still, even after I got home I had trouble getting through the day. Reading to my son, feeding the baby, going grocery shopping, every single thing to which I felt the slightest obligation was accompanied by an overwhelming urge to get in my car and drive east until I ran out of gas where I would sleep in the car, hitchike to the nearest gas station, and fill back up so I could keep driving until I ran out of land at which time I would
Ok, I lied 1970-01-01 00:59:59 So sue me.I have a holiday project going on that requires super-secrecy and donations from generous third parties. I have sent out an e-mail to folks I know might be interested in helping out, but if you didn't receive the e-mail and you are interested in donating to a worthy holiday cause, e-mail me and I will fill you in on all the details.Otherwise, if you have received my e-mail and want to go ahead and donate, look to the sidebar where I have placed the Paypal donation button.Happy holidays,QofD Management Team
Ok, I scream uncle 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Dude, I soooo suck. I can't commit to anything. Like this blog for instance. I committed to taking a week off everything that wasn't kid/husband/Christmas shopping/laundry related and here I am. Back again after only, what? 36 hours? With that lack of willpower it's a wonder that I'm still married.As soon as I took this little blog off of my "have to" list, it became fun again and not so much like work.I just realized that I had written a past post about writing a future post about the California International Marathon's Marafun Run (aka "the kids' race) and never did. That's because every time I started writing it I realized that as far as this site is concerned I am sarcastic and bitchy, and when it comes to running I get all weepy and sentimental, which is completely unacceptable and embarrassing. That's because a lot of us runner types were poorly socialized and/or locked in rabbit cages as children. Just ask us. Go to the starting line at a marathon and ask any
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