Owner: Queen of Dysfunction URL:http://www.queenofdysfunction.blogspot.com Join Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2006 17:04:38 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: What happens when a 32 year old wife and mother of two decides that blood may or may not be thicker than water, but it is definitely messier. Site statistics:Click here
Father of the Year 2007-03-30 19:01:00 Maybe y'all remember this post in which I went searching for a psychologist for my son and how my ex, in his typical blustering and melodramatic fashion, went off the deep end over it.Well, after I forwarded him the information necessary to search for one, he decided to forego the task of looking for a psychologist himself. He was even kind enough to forgive me for not seeking his permission prior to searching for the last one. I overlooked the fact that this forgiveness came in the form of a rambling and condescending e-mail in which my inability to comprehend the English language was openly pitied.So it happened that in between sessions of admiring himself in a mirror and blowing air-kisses at his image my ex acquiesced and decided that my original selection was adequate... even if the psychologist in question is over the age of 22 and not particularly interested in hearing about his truck.So we made an appointment for the boy, the first of which was to be attended by our son, Fathe Read more:Father
Rolling down the river... 2007-04-02 04:02:00 Every time I strap my daughter into her car seat I perform a quick check to see how fast I can get her back out. You know, in case I lose control of my vehicle while cruising alongside one of the gazillions of rivers in our area. I would hate to find myself and my children sinking rapidly to the bottom with only seconds of worth of air and nary an escape plan.I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that there's no way a woman who has encrusted all her valuables in glass shards to keep her kids from touching them is so worried about saving their lives that she would perform such a drill.I have only one thing to say to you Dad; children survive minor cuts and lacerations every day. But I have to live with the reality that I am but one submerged vehicle away from two fewer tax deductions. I don't want that. My husband doesn't want that. Our CPA doesn't want that.What? You think that's neurotic? It could happen. Sacramento isn't called "The River City" because of our lack of c Read more:Rolling
Whacked 2007-04-04 19:46:00 I want my own personal whacking stick. Something heavy and durable with a large silver handle. Maybe one made of mahogany. Mahogany would hurt if you were whacked by it right? But nothing that would leave marks. Ok, so maybe I need a nice heavy whacking phone book. A leather-bound whacking phone book that won't leave any evidence and might cause a concussion, thus rendering my targets temporarily incapacitated so I can run away.Of course I will have to test my whacking phone book out. It's a good thing I live in a target-rich environment. My trial run will include the following people:#1 Ms. Chi-Loving-Crytal-Carrier-From-Yoga-ClassYes you, in the hemp yoga capris. The one who yammers on and on about holistic light therapy and chakras. I came here for the yoga, not to hear some new age dipshit lecture me about the evils of western medicine. Besides, my chi died of alcohol poisoning while I was in college so I doubt there's much you can do to help me anyway.Perhaps if the infant mort
Buncha funeral stuff... 2007-04-04 04:12:00 So I guess Gregg has decided that fan voting for Blogger Idol will start on April 9th. I promise to mail half a dozen home-baked cookies to any reader of mine who votes.Beat that Travis.I was thinking that it is odd that I would be included in Blogger Idol at all, given that I have never watched a single episode of it's inferior vocal counterpart American Idol. Come to think of it I've never watched a single episode of America's Next Top Model or Gray's Anatomy either. I don't say this to get all snotty like some asshole liberal arts major who only watches PBS because he's "too intelectual to get cable". Hell, one of my favorite shows used to be Jackass. Midgets dressed like oompa-loompas make me feel funny in the pants.So anyway, I've never watched American Idol because I've never been hip or cool. In fact, I've always been kind of a dork. I didn't have leg warmers in 1984. Jelly shoes never came in sizes that fit my sasquatch feet. I have yet to own a pair of jeans with peg Read more:stuff
Egotistical? Moi? 2007-04-03 16:50:00 Gregg O'Commentwhore (see sidebar for details), in his never-ending quest to whore out his site and take over the internet, has come up with an ingenious plan to redirect everyone on the information superhighway straight to his front door.He has appealed to the engorged egos of those of us with blogs. Now, anyone who has been reading this blog for any amount of time already knows that my ego doesn't exactly need Miracle Gro. But I swear I'm not alone. I mean really, what is a blog if not a way for those of us not talented enough to get real writing jobs to say "Look at me!"In fact I would say that the majority of bloggers out there have egos that are roughly the size of Pluto. Actually they may be bigger because I am pretty sure that if a blogger's ego were to physically manifest itself and somehow manage to be launched into the cosmos NASA would definitely say it qualifies as a planet in it's own right, unlike Pluto which isn't a planet anymore even though I grew up with it bein
I declare a moratorium on whacking... 2007-04-05 21:05:00 Alright, you people are starting to frighten me. Nerf-covered lead pipes, orange-stuffed pillow cases, tube socks filled with sand...Don't get me wrong, I'm sure y'all are a good time on any given Saturday night. It's just that I'm beginning to wonder if I'm legally obligated to turn my blog over to the cops lest a nationwide rash of blunt force trauma deaths go unsolved.So today I was looking for pictures of boobies to bribe the judges of Blogger Idol with, which is the weirdest thing. I mean, I'm a thirty-something heterosexual married chick with kids. It's a rare occasion that I find myself googling "tit photos" or "photos of boobs".Anyway, my first search turned up so many hits that I crashed the internet. I had no idea that the internet was 98% porn and like, 2% everything else. Fortunately, Pirate was already patching the internet together from the Gulf of Mexico and had it back up and running before I could say "licking", "sucking", or "fucking". Which, by the way, are t Read more:declare
I've got nothing... 2007-04-07 17:55:00 Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Plus, my toddler's effort to get herself killed have been turned up a notch. Plus-plus, I have a pile of laundry that is going to require bottled oxygen to start on. Plus-plus-plus I have to get some other writing done. You know, the kind that gets me paid.So until Monday, enjoy this clip.I swore I would never post a YouTube clip on my blog. Even though it's funny, a little part of my soul died when I did it.
Unabashed Plea For Support 2007-04-08 19:13:00 Happy Easter and happy Monday...I'm going to depart from the usual sardonic tone of this blog to ask my Sacramento area readers for their assistance. Or hell, even my nationwide readers who may be moved to assist. I've mentioned before that I'm the vice-president of a neighborhood association started by a few of my neighbors and myself. We are a not-for-profit 501(c) corporation.One of our residents is an amazing woman named Inez Whitlow, founder of an equally amazing organization called Chicks in Crisis. The primary purpose of Chicks in Crisis is to provide material and moral support for pregnant women who are impoverished, fleeing abusive environments, or in otherwise less-than-ideal situations.The stated goal of Chicks in Crisis is "Love, Home, and Family for every child." Their mission statement reads:Chicks in Crisis, Inc. is dedicated to reducing the number of infants facing abandonment, foster care, abuse or death by giving pregnant women in crisis the opportunity to make inf Read more:Support
Bad Queen! Baaaaad Queen! 2007-04-09 15:36:00 ***UPDATE***If you vote for me and link the voting and entice your readers to vote for me you get a full dozen cookies. However, until my awesome powers of telepathy are honed to a more precise degree, I will still need you to e-mail me with your mailing address. Which I promise, will not end up transcribed on the bathroom walls of every gay club between here and the Castro.I'm a bad blog-reader and commenter. Despite the fact that I'm going through blog-withdrawal, I won't be able to catch up with my favorites reads for at least another 24 hours. Forgive me?At any rate, regarding the posting of my cell number: Due to stuff I've been involved in, that phone number has already been posted all over the internet from here to Nepal, distributed city-wide on flyers, and displayed in store windows. So really, posting it isn't exposing myself any more widely that has already been done. Plus, like Jay said... I can always just get a new phone.Fan-voting for Blogger Idol* starts today. You Read more:Queen
Story time! 2007-04-11 19:38:00 I had class on Monday night, but I'm lazy... and last night one margarita turned into, like, twelve, and well... here's the post.So on Monday our instructor is working his crazy-ass mortician magic at the front of the classroom, delivering the lecture with his usual panache, when he throws out the following comment:"Yeah, some people like to call us grave diggers. I've never dug a grave in my life. I've fallen into an open grave once. But anyway..."(sound of brakes squealing)"Wait a minute. Back up to that last part about falling into an open grave." Fifteen sets of eyes looked up at once.We were all curious. I mean really, there are only a few phrases that you can't just throw out there without experiencing conversational whiplash. I've fallen into an open grave is one of them. He was already dead and I voted for Nader are the other two.So since our instructor is kick-ass and doesn't mind when we turn class time into an interrogation session, he obliged by giving us the dirt. G
Lots'a Stuff 2007-04-11 04:53:00 Alright, I've received a few requests for a PayPal button to donate to Chicks in Crisis. It's really not my place to accept cash donations for this organization, but if you go to the Chicks in Crisis webpage, look on the right-hand side of the pink and grey menu bar where it says "Donate" and you can give directly to them until your heart's content.I have to say I was blown away by the response to that post. I'm frequently amazed at how generous people can be when the opportunity presents itself....and before I let my dear readers go, John Hughes of IpsoSacto is asking the Sacramento area blogosphere to help an area family find a bone marrow donor for their six month old son Trevor.Trevor was born last October and immediately diagnosed with AML (acute myeloid leukemia). On March 15th his parents were told that Trevor's life depended upon finding a bone marrow donor within 6-8 weeks.The process to register as a bone marrow donor is quite simple. You can make an appointment at your
All the rage... 2007-04-12 22:37:00 Go tell LL happy birthday folks...You know, I really don't like to get all political on this blog for reasons I've stated before and won't link here because I'm lazy and my left-clicking finger is sore from jamming it on the side of my head. Don't ask.But! As you can probably tell from that brilliant intro I'm going to do just that. Talk politics, I mean. But only a little.Ok, so y'all know I live in California. A blue state. A place where tofu is considered an acceptable alternative to meat, divorcing couples fight over custody of pets, Dubya is blamed for everything from bad haircuts to hurricanes, and Global Warming is the official religion. So much for setting.Alright. So there I am sitting at a stoplight when a car festooned with bumper stickers pulls up next to me. Do I even need to tell you of what political persuasion this car and it's driver were?I mean, it's not like you see many conservatives driving around in thirty-five-year-old Volkswagen squarebacks with fifty b
A moment of silence will be observed... 2007-04-12 16:41:00 ...for novelist Kurt Vonnegut. Anyone who has read Cat's Cradle or Slaughterhouse Five knows how unique Vonnegut was. He had the virtue of producing written work that was both thought-provoking and entertaining.And no, he wasn't to be found in the celebrity death pool I'm running. Although I'm sure he would have found it funny.Blogger Idol continues! Due to amazing support by my readers I have survived to see the final six. Special thanks goes to:Cynical BastardJaneTonyDragonladySnogdotNatalieNewfieLeeThose are some mighty fine bloggers who I will personally be mailing cookies too. And booze. And yeah, probably be popping out another few kids just to name them after these folks. Damn you guys are demanding!I'm just proud of the fact that I have not had to toss of my already flimsy morals or break out the farm animals to urge them to whore for me. Read more:silence
Color Me Shell Answer Man... 2007-04-17 02:54:00 Holy crap people! I mention doing a Q&A in the comments of the last post and now I have more questions pouring into my e-mail and comments than I know what to do with. Am I really that interesting? (bats eyes)Alright, I kid... I know it's not me, but the career path I'm pursuing. At any rate, I'm going to gather up these questions and answer them as best I can in the next post. If you have any more questions about anything feel free to leave them in the comments section or e-mail me.I'll get to work on these tomorrow morning. I have class tonight so hast la vista! Read more:Color
, Shell
UC Davis Field Trip 2007-04-16 16:31:00 ***This is going to be a graphic post.******You have been warned.******So don't bitch.***Last Friday was our class field trip to Tupper Hall, home of the UC Davis
donated bodies program. When we arrived we were greeted by the lovely and scary-smart Charlotte (who happens to be acquainted with Travis) who then facilitated a meet and greet of the program's current "residents".Ok, so first off? I will never, ever, be able to eat meat again. Once you see that we are only so much animated steak the thought of sitting down and eating one loses its appeal. It's not that I found the bodies disgusting or disturbing. It's just that several of them had been parted-out for distribution to various programs and seeing people reduced to what you find behind the counter in a butcher shop makes eating meat... well, I'm just never eating meat again.At any rate, Charlotte brought out a whole cadaver that had been dissected by medical students. I have to admit a slight squeamishness while she unzippe Read more:Field
Blogger Idol 2007-04-15 18:58:00 ***UPDATE***I was eliminated from Blogger
Idol this morning. I want to thank all my readers, if it hadn't been for you guys and your sore left-clicky fingers I would never have gotten that far. Yee haw!Hey, check this graphic out, courtesy of Lime:Blogger Idol voting is still going on at Gregg's site. Lime, your banner rocks the casbah, or rocks me like a hurricane or something like that, and please don't apologize for not using what I sent you... it sucked. Your creation is much better.Also, I had my field trip the UC Davis donated bodies program on Friday. More on that in the next post...
Really F***ing Stupid Blog Awards 2007-04-18 15:34:00 I don't know why I asterisked out the middle part of "fucking". It's not like I have a huge problem with the word, but when I read it in the title it seemed a bit much. I guess I prefer people to actually plow through the content of a post before realizing that I'm capable of swearing like a truck driver.Anyway, are you sick of me whoring for blog awards yet? Maybe not, since you're at my blog again. But then again, perhaps you're reading this at work and you only visited me out of boredom because Dooce hasn't updated lately and you've already read about the shooter at Virginia Tech four thousand times.So anyway, if you're not sick of me check out the sidebar. There's a silly little water can icon that you can click to get to the Really Fucking Stupid
blog awards. I've been nominated in a category titled "Blogger most likely to dress up as the Easter bunny and harrass children and little old ladies."Click it. Then click it again. And again. Pretend that it's a cash machine a Read more:Awards
, Blog Awards
Answers... 2007-04-17 16:29:00 Some of these questions have been asked weeks or months ago, and some just yesterday. I'll try to answer them as best I can.Braindead Betty asked: So why did someone with an overwhelming fear of death decide to go into the mortuary business? Just curious.A: I know, sounds really dumb doesn't it? I actually have an overwhelming fear of dying itself, but the "after the fact" or aspect of being dead does not bother me any more than I think it bothers the next person. I have a weird fear of not being able to breathe, which plays hell when I imagine taking my last breath. It is also wholly separate from possessing an anxiety over being dead in the long run. Does that make sense?Matt asked: Before Friday, have you ever seen a dead body?A: The first time I saw a dead body was when I was nine. My cousin and I were walking to the store when we saw a man get stabbed to death. When I was in third grade two of my classmates died; one was riding his bike when he was hit by a drunk driver one afte
Pimp thyself... 2007-04-19 15:33:00 You know, once again I find myself apologizing for the lack of quality postage on my blog. Also, for not being a good blog visitor and commenter in the past couple of weeks. My daughter's been sick and I'm getting to the point where I'm going to stop trying to stem the tide of mucous with antihistamines and switch to an all-whiskey regimen instead.Kids like whiskey don't they?And hell, while I'm at it I suppose I should also apologize to my weird nextdoor neighbor (as opposed to the other nextdoor neighbors that we're friends with) for the mountain of porn that I left out for the curbside pickup the other day. I really had no idea that your two underage daughters would get such a kick out of leafing through back issues of Playgirl and Mamacita. I am also impressed that the phonics program at their private Christian school has helped to familiarize them with words like "rimming" and "blow job". Of course I could be mistaken. Maybe they didn't learn that at school. Maybe their Jen
Golf for Dummies 2007-04-21 03:16:00 This post brought to you by the letter Jay.The first house my husband and I bought was in a golf course community on the eastern edge of Sacramento county. My husband loves golf. I had never played. For this reason it seemed prudent for me to take golf lessons. I don't know why. My husband also likes to scratch his nuts but I've never felt compelled to reach my hands into my pants and go at it, so I'm not sure why the golf thing stuck but the other stuff didn't. At any rate, my husband bought lessons for me as a gift so off I went.My instructor turned out to be a mouthy Italian guy named Tony who smarted off to yuppie thousandaires and said stuff like "wanna drink?" and "make it a double" a lot. We got along swimmingly and I stumbled away from the experience with a taste for premium liquor but completely incapable of hitting a golf ball for shit.Fast forward a few years and a different house. It's a warm afternoon in April and I get a hair up my ass to drink margaritas and work on Read more:Dummies
Bloggerview 2007-04-22 17:29:00 You want to hear my manly voice? Gregg and I chatted yesterday during a brief bloggerview over at his place. The audio file is in this post.Once again Gregg has shown he is adept at driving traffic to his site by appealing to the egos of others. Genius. Just pure genius.I wish I had thought of that.
Anyone want to fish-sit? 2007-04-27 15:06:00 I was almost successful in sneaking my bag past Harvey and Juanita's tank before they finally noticed."Whatcha doin' toots?" he asked, eyeing the bag."Ummm... nothing Harvey. Hey, why don't you and Juanita play another game of Pinata?" I had no sooner uttered the last word when Juanita came swimming from behind a chunk of coral like her fins were on fire."Aiiieeeyyyeee Papi, you can be the pinata!" Juanita said as she bopped a starfish on the head to stun it and then began weilding the thing like a five-fingered stick.Harvey shot here an annoyed look and returned his attention to me."No really, where are you going?""Santa Cruz.""No shit? When do we leave?""We are not leaving. I am leaving, and you are staying here.""Ahhhhh.... toots! You're not going to take me this time?" Harvey's scaled little brow ridge turned downward in a hurt expression. This is quite impressive when you consider he doesn't even have eyebrows to accentuate it."Dude, the last time I took you to Santa Cruz yo Read more:Anyone
My favorite crap on the internet 2007-04-26 17:40:00 I've got nothing today folks. So instead of my usual rantings about mistreating dental assistants, talking fish or my backyard driving range I would like to highlight a few of my favorite writers on the web.(Side note: I've only finished a few, there are so many of you who are terrific, how can I post all of your links? This is going to have to become a weekly thing I think.)#1 - Travis. Not only is Travis like a younger brother to me, he also has a kick-ass writing style that is not constrained by the rigors of taste or grammar. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll probably end up needing therapy.#2 - Pirate. This is a guy who can discuss gun control in one post and then highlight the benefits of being held down by a greasy chef in scrubs who likes to force feed overcooked green beans to his shipmates. Enough said.#3 - Satire Wire. Hands down the funniest writer to ever grace the web. I read his material and laugh and laugh and laugh, then I walk away from the computer and contemplat
Trevor Kott 2007-04-25 21:25:00 I've been receiving a lot of traffic, comments, and e-mails lately from people searching for information about a local story regarding a baby named Trevor
Kott. His family has launched a grassroots effort to find a bone marrow donor to save him from leukemia.Trevor's parents have maintained a blog to tell the world about their baby boy and his struggle to survive. Trevor died peacefully at 8AM this morning. He is survived by his loving parents and two beautiful sisters.Please, please, please get tested and join the bone marrow registry. It is a simple test consisting of four swabs inside of your mouth that can be performed at most blood banks. If you are remote, you can always order a test online.
The Demon Patient of Fleet Street 2007-04-24 15:57:00 I went to the dentist yesterday afternoon to have another filling put into the side of my teeth at the gum line. To date I have had seven such fillings. My dentist calls it "preventative maintenance". I call it "experiments in butchery".I'm one of those patients that requires A LOT of anesthesia. I'm not sure if it's because I can actually feel anything or if it's because I've been pussified to such a degree that the mere notion of pain sends me clawing to the ceiling. At any rate, my dentist knows a good line item to bill to the insurance when he sees it soo I get all the local anesthetic I want and Pacific Dental gets fucked.Well, yesterday I had The New Guy. The dental assistant in training. Heretofore known as TMFNG.So the dentist anesthetizes my mouth and leaves, at which time I'm left to stare at all the shiny objects and pocket a few dental drills for use on my kids at home. Outside the door I can hear the receptionist and other staff (all female) giving TMFNG a hard time Read more:Fleet
, Street
Bone Marrow Registry 2007-04-24 04:42:00 Many of you might have read my earlier post regarding Baby Trevor, who was born last October with Acute Myeloid Leukemia. I asked my readers to consider registering with the International Bone Marrow Registry
as potential bone marrow donors to provide the raw material necessary to save the lives of people like Trevor.Unfortunately, the Kotts have recently received the news that there is nothing more that can be done for their son. Efforts have since transitioned from treatment to comfort.Still, for those who are moved to do so, please consider registering as a donor within the marrow registry. There are still many more people out there with stories similar to Trevor's who may benefit from your help.
This is why... 2007-04-30 19:35:00 ...I should never, ever, ever be allowed around tourists. On Saturday morning the king and I decided to head for the beach. Once we found parking and got all our shit together, we fell in behind a few pasty white tourists headed in the same direction. At first I thought they might be American, but once they started talking it became clear that this was my lucky day."Holy shit honey" I whispered to the King. "They're Norwegians.""What? You mean like Riiiiiiiiicoooooooolaaaaaaaa?!?!""No, like the Swedish chef from The Muppet Show, only different." I was so excited I could barely contain myself. "I'm gonna go talk to them.""Maybe you shouldn't." The king could be a real killjoy sometimes. Whatever, I ignored him and stomped ahead a couple of feet where the Norwegians were chatting and laughing.Now here's the thing about Scandinavians; they're polite to a fault. Ask them for anything and they will enthusiastically accommodate you to the best of their ability. If you doubt me, just ask
Pimpage 2007-05-02 19:48:00 Lee is a reader of mine located in New Hampshire who has been inspired to perform an amazing feat.He is running a marathon.Lee has joined Team in Training, an international group of runners who raise money for Leukemia and Lymphoma research. Having run a season with Team in Training I speak from experience when I say that participation in their program is an experience that will change his life. While running 26.2 miles can have a profound impact in and of itself, the TNT experience lends a deeper purpose than simple miles pounded out on running shoes.Of course, in this regard I should allow Lee to speak for himself. Here is an excerpt of the e-mail he sent me:I just turned 35. I'm about 25 pounds overweight. My cholesterol is a mess. I'm stressed, I'm tired, and I can't make the changes I need to improve this without help. I also want to do something meaningful with a little piece of my 35th year. So.....I joined Team in Training.I'll be running the Maine Marathon on October 7.Fo
I should go on Maury 2007-05-05 17:47:00 Happy Cinco de Mayo! A day on which honkies will flock to their local Chevy's across the southwest to lift a glass in commemoration of Mexican independence. Which, incidentally, is really on September 16th since Cinco de Mayo is a celebration of the Battle of Puebla and not independence. But who reallly cares so long as there is plenty of beer?But I stray from the original point of this post. I had originally sat down to make a point about the audacity of my daughter. As her mother it was I who spent nine months getting stretched, bent, and kept awake at night while the kid literally boogied her way through gestation. It was I who had to swear off alcohol and caffeine, experience the joys of heartburn, wear unflattering clothing and now live with a permanently weakened bladder that prevents me from jumping rope or sneezing.So after several hours of labor and the development of a condition that requires me to change underwear at least twice a day, the kid has the gall to pop out lookin
My favorite crap on the internet (season two) 2007-05-04 17:31:00 First things first everyone, dog pile on Pirate. It's his birthday!Alright, now that's been taken care of how about another edition of My Favorite Crap on the Internet, Season Two?#1 - Gregg O'Connell. In a blogosphere of vamps and attention whores, Gregg is to bloggers what David Carradine is to the world of television-inspired-wannabe-kung-fu masters.Thanks for being you, grasshopper. (gong)#2 - My little brother. In order to right a wrong I perpetrated last week by putting him at the bottom of the list, my brother makes his second appearance near the top of this list. This is mostly because he has threatened to divulge my most secretive secrets, but also because he writes funny things about zombie Stevie Ray Vaughans and Jimi Hendrix's that kick yuppie ass and live to tell the tale.I'm huge! And I love you!#3 - James Urban Etiquette. James is a reporter for the Miami Herald who also maintains his own blog in which he dishes healthy mixtures of folk wisdom and personal responsib
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