Owner: Queen of Dysfunction URL:http://www.queenofdysfunction.blogspot.com Join Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2006 17:04:38 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: What happens when a 32 year old wife and mother of two decides that blood may or may not be thicker than water, but it is definitely messier. Site statistics:Click here
Pow! Unsolicited financial advice! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Hey everyone, Pirate has returned! His timing is impeccable too, what with the sheep starting to develop confidence and all. Anyway, now that he's back the livestock will re-assume their nervous tics while adventure on the high seas abounds. So why doesn't everyone slip through the back door and welcome Pirate back to the blogosphere's version of the gutter.On to the post...My husband and I go through a lot of financial reading material. Ok, ok... my husband reads a lot about finances. I sit back and calculate his projected net worth and provide reports to the cadre of hit men I'm interviewing.So anyway, he hands me a stack of articles this morning, the first of which is an article by Ben Stein. Now, don't get me wrong, I love, love, love Ben Stein. He's probably my favorite celebrity ever, and if neither of us were married I might be tempted to go David-Letterman-stalker on him and camp out in front of his Malibu home until the police took me away. That being said, when it comes Read more:Unsolicited
Look ma! No segue! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 This post is being thrown together on the fly and will not meet any of the abysmal standards I regularly strive for. Therefore check your expectations at the door and get ready for nothing. You have been warned.First things first, so no segue
necessary. Blondie mentioned it in the comments section and I have actually received several e-mails asking if my brother has a blog of his own. He does not have a regular blog that I am aware of, but he does post on his myspace page, and he has written an article here and here for an online mag called Skepchick.As he mentioned to his own readers in a prior post on myspace, I will do the same; I love my brother, he's a great guy. However, we have some profound philosophical differences politically. Namely, I'm always right and he's right only when he agrees with me. Sufficed to say, we get along better now that he has stopped goose-stepping in my presence and I no longer refer to him as "two legs bad".Nope, still no segue. A few days ago I rece
Mmmm... firefighters... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 (Here is a link to all of the photos I took yesterday.)...how can you not love a firefighter? Is there someone who doesn't? I mean, that's like, illegal or something isn't it? They're always the good guys; rescuing children from burning buildings, pulling frightened kittens out of trees, posing suggestively for calendars...(sigh)Oh. Yeah, so anyway. I was driving today and stopped at an intersection where a dozen or more firefighters were lifting change off motorists in their annual "Fill the Boot for Burns" fund raiser. Naturally I wanted to help, so I waved the kind gentleman nearest me over and then demanded that he flex while I emptied my coin dispenser. It was, after all, for a good cause.Unfortunately for me, stopping at the intersection through four consecutive green lights became a tad ridiculous. I was finally obliged to drive off before I had convinced the young man who came to collect my change to take his shirt off. So as I drove down the road I did what any perfectly s
Holy crap, after the response I received from yest... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Holy crap, after the response I received from yesterday's post I have this sinking feeling that the Elk Grove Fire Department is going to slap me with a harassment suit or restraining order.Fuck it. Enjoy them while they last!I swiped this little card from a casket display that we have in the classroom. There was a pile of about fifty of them so I figured one wouldn't be missed. Plus, I'm going to return it tomorrow night. Watch, I bet my instructor saw the column in the Bee and is reading this and now knows that not only am I an opinionated ass with a big mouth and an inappropriate sense of humor, but I'm also a klepto.So anyway, I have class tomorrow night and we're supposed to watch an embalming video. I'm a little nervous about this. I realize that being nervous about a video is kind of like having a fear of postage stamps. But still. I'm just concerned that once the first cut is made the contents of my stomach are going to go north. Because really, if I can't hold it toget
Fresh as a Carolina pine forest... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The ancient Romans used to unceremoniously bury common people in communal pits located outside the city walls.After watching a video of someone being embalmed, I'm pretty sure that any reasonable person would conclude that what the Romans did was no less civilized than what we do to dead people in modern America. In fact, grabbing grandma by the ankle and dragging her from her deathbed, into the street, dousing her with lighter fluid and setting her ablaze could be no less bizarre than what we do to dead people in this country.I can honestly say that after watching the embalming video any doubt that I will be cremated has disappeared. I will never be embalmed. I will not have my husband embalmed. None of our parents will be embalmed. In fact, nobody who dies within a fifty mile radius of me WILL EVER BE EMBALMED.As a little background, I feel obligated to tell you that the deceased was an Asian male head trauma victim who had been dead eight days prior to being prepared for viewing.So Read more:Carolina
Flaunting my First Amendment Rights... 2007-03-01 16:03:00 Alright, let's get a few things straight around here shall we? First
of all, I would like to address some angry e-mails I received. Seems that a few people found my approach to embalming in the last post disrespectful. Two e-mailers believed that I was being crass in my treatment of the deceased and one person felt I was obligated to warn my readers about the graphic content of such posts in the future. All of them were angry and stridently unkind, and told me in no uncertain terms that there is a special place for people like me in Hell. Incidentally, two of them couldn't spell worth a damn.Preceding graphic posts with a brief warning is not a bad idea. I will definitely take that suggestion under consideration. However, that last post was about embalming, people! While I'm not going to throw in a bunch of gratuitous gore, the subject of death naturally lends itself to a plain look at the more physical aspects of being a human. I completely understand that some people find this fri Read more:Amendment
, Rights
, First Amendment
Last night I ignored one of the fundamental mainte... 2007-03-03 23:13:00 Last night I ignored one of the fundamental maintenance practices spelled out on page seven of my liver's owner's manual:Do not ever consume a margarita served in a container larger than a goldfish bowl.Upon committing said violation I then followed it up by ignoring the next one:Don't tell me you got stupid and didn't read the instructions the first time around? You did? Well, don't go repeating it. Especially in the same evening. Or with a bartender who likes to serve his concoctions in glassware with a higher volume than, say a spaceman helmet.So I realize that I'm behind in posting, but I really need to swim some laps and sit by the pool to recuperate. Talk at you later...
I know, I know... I haven't posted since Saturday.... 2007-03-06 23:47:00 I know, I know... I haven't posted since Saturday
. I'm sorry. Forgive me? I've been busy and haven't been on the computer much at all. I blame my neighbor Maria, whom I've been forced to console because one of her co-workers who shall remain nameless... Ok, never mind, so her co-worker Jackie, aka "Miss Peru", has decided to yank Maria's Latina card after getting her high-cut panties in a bunch when she discovered my neighbor was neglecting her Univision-viewing duties. (Actually, the only thing that Maria could realistically be accused of is failing to TiVo La Fea which, to be fair, should be balanced out by her devotion to shows like Sabado Gigante and El Gordo y La Flaca, which should be horrible enough to qualify but I digress...)Maria is devastated. This gal used to swig more tequila than a yuppie on a Dasani bender and make a kick-ass posole. Since Jackie has rescinded her membership in the El Clubo de Latina however, Maria has been sentenced to a Tara Reid-like tolerance o
Feliz Cumpleanos! 2007-03-07 16:17:00 I'm still not finished with the non-blog related work that my kids entail. You know, the kind of stuff that sends me scurrying for a method to get blood out of chenille or teach my son to forge my signature on notes to school.Therefore I am going to turn the ceremonies over to Jay at Cynical Bastard, who is turning thirty nine today!Happy birthday Jay!...you realize that I'm just kissing your ass because at thirty-nine years of age you may very well require my services as a mortician soon. You will, of course, be a dear and pick me to embalm you. Won't you? WON'T YOU?Also, it appears that someone from my hometown of Modesto, CA has passed away recently.Ernest Gallo, one half of the wine-making duo or Ernest & Julio Gallo who have brought you such fine selections as Thunderbird, Night Train, Boone's Farm, and Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers, passed away in his Modesto home yesterday afternoon.So everyone lift your glass of fortified wine to Ernest. You'll be missed by homeless a Read more:Feliz
Links! And! Crap! 2007-03-08 21:04:00 I suck, I know. I haven't had much time to dedicate to posting lately, so I'm putting up another bunch o' crap. I realize that I've also been neglecting my duties as a blog reader and commenter as well. Things have been pretty busy here in the Dysfunctional Household and for some reason my husband gets his boxers in a bunch when I choose to write a post over things like picking the boy up from school.I promise to make the rounds over the next couple of days if the NyQuil kicks in and the kids stop yammering at me to feed them. Little bastards.At any rate, is anyone in the mood for links? Yeah? Good, because that's what I've got. Here we go with my wish list:#1 - Swimmers: Thou shalt have good music. Did you know that you could buy an iPod Nano and a bunch of other shit to drown out the sound of the walrus in the next lane who sounds like he's being beached everytime he does a flip-turn? You didn't? Well check this out:Waterproof case for the iPod Nano. Waterproof headphones. Pl
Where's the demerol when you need it? 2007-03-10 04:31:00 Alright, first off go tell Natalie happy birthday.Secondly, this post is probably going to ramble on way too much because it's hard to gauge just how much post is enough when one entire side of your head is numb because some butcher with D.D.S. after his name took liberties with your mouth and put in five fillings. FIVE. As in if each filling needed a finger representative, it would take one whole hand to send a delegation....and you know what? I don't think the guy was restraining himself to the realm of dentistry. If the sensation in my mouth is any indication, he used a belt sander on my gums before slashing at them with concertina wire. Oh yeah, blowjobs ought to be interesting tonight.So my ex-pat friend Denise who is now living down under sent me a care package recently that included some of those rub-on tattoos, a kick-ass CD by her talented husband Jeff (that you really should buy)(no seriously, it's a great CD)(and no... I'm not just saying that because like, I would so no
Fishkeeping for fun and profit 2007-03-12 03:42:00 I have so many new readers that I have no idea if anyone remembers Harvey. For those of you who are familiar read on, those who aren't may want to catch up here.Anyway. So since this post Harvey has been eager to find a scaled companion of the female type to share his tank with. Initially I was reluctant to subject another fish to Harvey's less-than-socially-palatable demeanor. This is, after all, the same fish that taught my son to belch the alphabet and enjoys spitting briny water at my family during meals. (Not to mention his habit of wet-humping everything in the tank.)So I'm thinking that any lady fish I put in Harvey's tank would last no longer than five minutes before she started pounding on the glass and demanding a divorce attorney. ...but that was all before Juanita. Juanita is a methadone-addicted Peruvian Sea bass. Now before some of my readers get on my case about introducing a drug-addicted fish to my reef set-up hear me out. This is Harvey we're talking about. It's Read more:profit
This Californian Life... 2007-03-13 20:57:00 Holy shit, What's this? Two posts in one day?So I was reading my friend Erica's blog... shut up! So what if we've never met each other, can't I call her my friend? Why not?Ok, fine, be that way. No, no, so she doesn't technically qualify as a "friend" so much as a "blog acquaintance who is playing hard to get by using California's legal system to issue a string of stay-away orders".There! Are you happy now? I admit it. I'm in love with Erica's blog. I'm in love and all she wants is to go all Dave Letterman on me just because she caught me sniffing her washcloth that one time. Ok, and yeah, I guess that means that technically we have "met" even though I don't consider any encounter in which one party is in handcuffs a true "meeting" unless you're on the Castro and a safe word is involved.So anyway, Erica tore a page out of James' playbook. What? No, I have never met James, in handcuffs or otherwise, ok? For your information there are only four bloggers who have successfully Read more:Californian
Take My Ex, Please! (rim shot) 2007-03-13 16:31:00 Sometimes people who know me will ask why I don't write many posts about my son's father. Mainly it's because after over seven years, I've moved on. I have a great life. It's hard to dredge up an appropriate level of vitriol to conjure up an entertaining post under those conditions.The secondary reason is that he's not-such-a-great-person. The only thing standing between him and the trailer park is a Macy's card and hair dresser, so you can imagine that I'm pretty embarrassed that I was ever acquainted with him at all, much less intimate enough to have a kid by him. For this reason I usually dodge the issue of my kid's parentage because when it does come up most people look at me and say something like "Him? Are you fucking stupid?"So yeah, I could mention that he disappeared with some teenager immediately after we found out I was pregnant. Or how, in the hospital, hours after I had given birth and the adoptive parents I had picked were excited about taking their new baby home Read more:Please
Administrative Crap 2007-03-15 03:51:00 Firstly (is that even a word? It is now!) I grabbed a machete and hacked away at my blogroll until I had whittled it down to blogs that are still current and being updated. I've added y'all who have been kind enough to link me.Secondly, y'all may have noticed something. Like the fact that I have used "y'all" twice in one post now. That's because I'm spending next week in Texas. Plans keep changing, but right now we're slated to terrorize our renters in College Station. They're a bunch of college kids so maybe we'll show up to our property unannounced with some drug-sniffing dogs. Or their parents. Or the police. Or all three. Good times!After that we're headed to San Antonio where we are going to park our asses alternately at the Marriott on the Riverwalk, the Alamodome, and whatever bars happen to be in between because WE'RE GOIN' TO MARCH MADNESS BABEEEEE!!!!Ok. So I'm a big dork....but this brings me to my point: as of my departure on Monday morning this blog will be le Read more:Administrative
Fish Marauders 2007-03-16 04:52:00 I was walking by Harvey and Juanita's tank this evening and noticed a big cloud of pink mung hanging in the water where the fish should have been."Harvey? Juanita? Hey guys?" I called to them. I was a little concerned because the water was so... pink, and it smelled like, wha-? What was this? An empty cotton candy ice cream container? "Harvey, Juanita, you guys need to come out. Now."Both of the fish came out from behind a rock, trying to lick the pink mustaches off their scaly little lips."Alright guys. Who got into my ice cream?" I looked at Harvey, and then rolled my gaze over to Juanita. Both fish looked down. Juanita whistled. Harvey pushed some sand around with his tail."Ok fine. I know you did it. I can see the trail of water between the freezer and your tank. What do you propose I do about it?""No habla ingles, Senora" Juanita said."Excuse me?" I said."No habla Ingles." Juanita tried again. Oh I see. She gets into trouble and all the sudden she doesn't know English. We'll fi Read more:Marauders
I want to start off this post by saying that I'm n... 2007-03-17 03:37:00 I want to start off
this post by saying
that I'm not perfect. Big surprise huh? I know, you're crushed to hear it but it's true! Really, I'm not perfect and when it comes to my son's father, I'm not faultless and I practiced poor decision making and have not always acted in a mature manner....and I know that I am responsible for the fact that six years ago, when my son's father and I were going to court I baited him into fights with the same frequency as he baited me. So I've committed my share of sins and I don't walk on water.However, since then I have really been working hard to be civil. Courteous even. I've been knocking myself out to be accomodating and work with the guy. He's my kid's dad, and since we don't have tornados in California and earthquakes aren't reliable enough to depend on one sending a building crashing onto him, I have resigned myself to the fact that he's going to be around until my son graduates from high school or I move my entire family to Anta
Administrative Crap Covered 2007-03-18 07:06:00 The Queen is gone. I’m not sure what’s really going on in San Antonio, but I bet Travis knows.Good morning everyone, I’m the Pirate. For those that don't know me, I'm the kind of guy that doesn’t follow RULES well, just like any other good pirate. So, in order:I also have an insatiable need to pimp myself out, unlike Travis, who ironically writes a column over at FTTW, just like me.The Queenwho could have been governor, before becoming a Senator,was kind enough to lend us her blog for the week in order for us to get a few pet projects off the ground. It is my extreme pleasure to announce:Royal Booty Babes for Hire We are Sacramento’s newest full-service, escort service!We’ve got babes of all colors, shapes and sizes.If you’ve got the loot, we’ve got the boot.Call 1-800-GET-BOOTand GET SOME BOOTY!This is going to be a huge success, due to a recent merger with our offshore venture:Steph’s Wholesale Horsemeat Equine eats at bovine pricesWhere’s the beef? Read more:Administrative
, Covered
Go say... 2007-03-18 02:16:00 ...Happy birthday to Travis! Hopefully he'll take a break from the festivities at Trav-a-palooza to check his blog.Check out the birthday boy:
Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies 2007-03-19 17:48:00 It will be hard to follow the gauntlet that The Pirate (who, incidentally, has a blog here and also writes for Faster Than The World here) has thown down, but god damnit I'll give it my best shot. For those of you unamiliar with who I am and what I do; my name is Travis and I'm the asshole in charge of How To Kill People (dot) Com - I also have a blog here and write a weekly column for Faster Than The World. Having stated that; there is a little
fact that has been over looked in this whole fiasco of The Queen of Dysfunction giving control of her blog to myself and pirate. What is that oversight you ask? What is it that the QofD has neglected to tell you? Her real reasons for going to San Antonio.As someone who lived in San Antonio for a while I know, first hand, that nothing good ever happens in Texas. As such I have obtained, through scurolous sources, the real list of thing that QofD is doing in Texas.Mocking Mexicans for not owning Texas anymore.Collecting illegal immigrants in or
Greetings from Texas! The happiest place on Earth! 2007-03-21 01:51:00 Dear Travis and Pirate,Greetings
from San Antonio, Texas
! Weather is here, wish you were nice and all that jazz. I just wanted to write and tell you how much I appreciate you blog-sitting for me while I'm away: The King and I are having a terrific time sampling the local culture. Well... the culture that involves tequila.Anyway, the Alamo is a great place to visit and even more fun after three or sixteen shots of Patron. And since I'm drunk and have walked roughly thirty two miles today, I'm going to go make my point before Alejandro the bell boy gets bored playing quarters with me and takes his liquor to the trollop down the hall:I love the Mexican people. I would NEVER mock them for not being able to swim. Nor would I dream of collecting illegals for my Dysfunctional compound. Ok, so yeah I have been known to get snarky about the whole "losing Texas to the white people" thing, but only on Cinco de Mayo, when some of my Latino friends insist that we celebrate the one day that Mexic Read more:Earth
And the truth shall set you free 2007-03-20 06:22:00 Travis has the right idea, we should be taking this opportunity to set the record straight here and not just promote our new ventures. Personally, I think it’s OK that Steph misled everyone about her reasons for the San Antonio trip. I mean if the Whips, Chain, Nipple Clamps and Armadillos party was a one-off experimental kind of thing, well, then maybe you want to keep it quiet. But if your living the lifestyle and tearing up the alleyways of Sacramento after dark, then you should come clean, is all I’m sayin.I don’t know, maybe it’s not my place, but I hate to see so many good people deceived by this whole Steph persona that she developed for this damn blog in the first place. I’ve wrestled with this for at least the last ten minutes and I’ve decided to set the record straight. I first met Steph ten years ago at the 14th annual AVN Awards. She was there to receive a special lifetime achievement award for her tireless efforts in creating the midget porn industry. Yo Read more:shall
Goooooodmorning Sacramento! (and all you ships at sea) 2007-03-23 05:25:00 An old papparazzi friend of mine sent me this shot he took of the Queen at one of the Wizard of Oz cast parties. Those were happy times for Vina.Well, we can’t be all business and expose this week, can we and while I’m asking the questions, how do get that little ‘ thingy over a letter? You know, so you guys would read (ecks-po-say) instead of expose and wonder what the hell I meant. Maybe I was hinting I might expose myself, next. Maybe not. It depends on what kind of Internet connection I have this weekend, if any. I'm dragging the Pirate Wife off to the Minnesota wilderness for a last-minute anniversary getaway this weekend before I ship out. In the meantime, here’s something from the Pirate that seems to me, very un-QoD and more like the creepy uncle who smells like cabbage and likes to sit in the dark. The inspiration for this piece DID come from this very blog, however. I suspect a few of you have already been exposed to this back in the cove-BIF’s REVENGE Read more:Sacramento
, ships
Abuse of Power 2007-03-22 17:58:00 When the QofD gave me unfettered access to her blog little dwarf-like thoughts, in skimpy pink outfits, danced inside my head giving me ideas of how to use this new found power. I just decided that since members of the media seem to clamor to QofD like the last helicopter out of Vietnam I figured I'd print one of my articles here in hopes of getting some media attention myself. So any of you news paper writers, magazine interviewers, Hollywood moguls or porn stars interested in some new talent: My website can be found here. This is an article titled: An Ode to an Unsung Hero.I'd like to take this opportunity to thank one of the unsung heroes of today's society, so raise a shot glass because this one goes out to you: Dumb-Dumb The Hot Chick. We've met several times, in all of your various forms.Dumb-Dumb The Hot Cashier: You were the super hot cashier at Toys R Us when my friend and I went shoppiong for a present for his six year old niece. You seemed to have complete understanding
I'm back... 2007-03-27 00:55:00 Alright Pirate and Travis. I guess I'm obligated to thank you for blogsitting for me, although I admit to harboring ambivalence about expressing gratitude to people who photoshop my head onto midgets and spread rumors that I like to shop for Jimmy Choos with third world despots.But still, you came, you wrote, you photoshopped. On behalf of a grateful blogger I thank you. Kind of. I think.(bastards)Anyway, while I was away the King and I temporarily hung up our loyalties to the Longhorns and Wolverines long enough to root for the Aggies at the Alamodome. Not so much because we're huge A&M fans but we were in Texas and neither of us are stupid. Not wearing maroon would be tantamount to hanging signs around our necks that read "I heart Osama" or "I'm gay and I'm proud".You can imagine our surprise however, when we took our seats and discovered that both Travis and Pirate had decided to join us:As you can see, while away from the prying eyes of their women-folk these two could hardly k
Monday by god 2007-03-26 15:07:00 The Pirate and I thought it would be fun to do a little question and answer thingy which, after he suggested it, I thought I'd just steal a page out of Gregg's book. If you have a questions about QofD, Pirate or myself simply leave it in the comments and one of us will update the post and answer your question. So go ahead, fire away and we'll do our best to answer your questions.Or we'll lie horribly.James Burnett Asked: I'm all about questioning the author. So here's one: How's your book writing coming along? And can we get a short synopsis, or at least a little tease as to what your primary project is about?Answer: James I can tell that I've read about the first eleven pages of one of the Queen's books (she's working on a few) and I can tell you that she is a skilled writer. She asked for my advice on the text - though I'm not sure why because there wasn't a single reference to girl on girl porn or professional wrestling - and minus a few personal stylistic details that I Read more:Monday
Texas: A primer 2007-03-28 18:07:00 First things first. Go tell DDQ happy birthday.Now, like, holy crap where do I start? First of all, I love Texas
. Love it. LOVE. IT.That being said there are a few things about the state that make me go whadufuck? every time I visit. It's not that I didn't know about these things before hand, but every time I visit the south I develop amnesia upon departure. Then I return and go into shock all over again.For instance, the smoking. I mean holy shit, is there a single person in Texas who doesn't smoke? Not that it bothers me, but I come from a state where smoking is prohibited everywhere except inside of your refrigerator between the hours of midnight and one and you can only light up after you have secured a series of tarps over every window in your house and filed a request for permission from the EPA. So entering what amounts to the nation's smoking section always throws me for a loop. I mean, everyone was lighting up. Everyone. Men, women, old people, dogs... even strollers were Read more:primer
There is so much... 2007-03-27 20:42:00 ...to write about and so little time. The trip to Texas, funeral education classes, local happenings, and other assorted silly nonsense all make for a tough hat to pick from. I'm going to go and collect my thoughts. In the meantime I'm going to leave you with the following snippets:- For the last several weeks I have had a cavalcade of questions sent to me via e-mail, most of which concerned the funeral education program I am pursuing or my decision to put my son up for adoption (before it was blocked, I am now raising him). Additionally, there have been lighter subjects brought up. If you have any further inquiries, whether they be about the brand of clothing I buy (mostly Target), what high school I graduated from (Modesto High School, class of 1992, Modesto, CA), or deeper things, I will be more than happy to answer all of them later in the week.- I had class last night and my instructor gave a lecture on the grieving process and how the modern practice of "taking a pill for every
Funereally speaking... 2007-03-29 17:32:00 A while ago I had intended to begin dedicating 90% of this blog to writing about the funeral education program. Unfortunately, despite the fact that it's a fairly consuming thing, I haven't written about it in a couple of weeks. The reason for this is simple; my toddler has decided that 2007 is the year she is going to kill or maim herself and a serious chunk of my writing time is consumed in wresting stuff like knives, scissors and power tools away from her.However, I have noticed that the majority of my hits are now coming from cold searches for terms like "embalming video" and "emblamed bodies" so I figure I owe you sickos a post before you start searching for stuff like "how to bury Steph alive" or "premature cremation of QofD".So first of all, my class has a field trip to the UC Davis donated bodies program coming up... on Friday April 13th. WOO HOO!I have a classmate who currently works in the front office of a funeral home. She has always seemed well-grounded. I mean, she come
Si se puede! 2007-03-31 03:42:00 Thank goodness I have Juanita and Harvey. Without them Cesar Chavez Day would have slipped into the realm of Boxing Day or Arbor Day.As I walked past their tank this morning Harvey waved me over with his fin and gestured for me to lean in. I could smell Dos Equis on his breath. Somewhere in the background a tequila worm floated."Rubia... can I ask you for a little something?" His eyes were bloodshot, yet earnest. Juanita floated up next to him."Por favor?" She asked in an uncharacteristically meek voice before batting her eyes. This confused me. As much as I love my lesbian friends I'm just not into girls."Sure guys. What do you need?""We need a ride downtown. To the capitol.""For...?""It's Cesar Chavez day senora! We want to join our brethren in a protest for immigrant rights!""Ok, first of all guys? Your brethren aren't downtown. They're at McDonald's being served as Filet O'Fish. Secondly, Cesar Chavez vehemently opposed illegal immigration.""So?" Juanita said as she did that
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