Owner: Queen of Dysfunction URL:http://www.queenofdysfunction.blogspot.com Join Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2006 17:04:38 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: What happens when a 32 year old wife and mother of two decides that blood may or may not be thicker than water, but it is definitely messier. Site statistics:Click here
Here you go Mary 1970-01-01 00:59:59 How rude of me, I was tagged by Mary. Here is your tag-back sweet cheeks!...and here are the tomatoes grilling for salsa (the world's only perfect food.)...and this is what winter has done to my poor banana trees.Have I mentioned how much I hate winter?
I'm flush with a dead man's dough 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I am so stoked, I had both Pinochet and Peter Boyle in my celebrity death pool. That bastard who drafted Robert Downey Jr. during his latest heroin bender had better pray that the Rob's most recent tap dance through rehab ends with a flatline in Mount Sinai's ER before December 31st or CHA CHING! The Queen takes this year's jackpot!Of course, every group has it's sticklers and ours is no exception; we have some Johnny Come Lately who now wants all third-world dictators disqualified as bona fide celebrities on the grounds that they are only famous after they kill a few thousand of their countrymen.To him I say "Look dude, you're just pissed because you have Nicole Ritchie and People had a photo of that bitch eating a sandwich in Malibu last week."Now if I can just get someone to push John Cougar Mellencamp off a cliff... Read more:flush
Sapphire Bullets of Pure Love 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Have you ever had one of those days where you thought everything was going to be a disaster and then it came together and worked out just fine?I had one of those days today for my daughter's first birthday party. First of all, I cannot believe how many people showed up. Even my mom came with my three youngest sisters and she never shows up for anything. My brother surprised me by making the drive from Santa Barbara just to be here for his only niece's birthday party (and I should probably interject here that he is in the middle of a very difficult dig involving both the Chumash nation and the federal government and has been working eighteen to twenty hour days... what a guy!)My dad and I were able to have a really great conversation. I've always been close to him, hell I'm named after him... but today he told me stuff that was a) knock-down hysterical (remind me to relay the story about Hopper the foot-long Iraqi grasshopper), b) touching (he gave my daughter my baby ring, that he Read more:Sapphire
, Bullets
Celebrity death pools for fun & profit 1970-01-01 00:59:59 This is going to be my only weekend post because, like, I'm actually going to pretend that I have a life outside of inconveniencing the poor electrons that have been coerced into creating my blog.Anyway. I am going to organize an online version of my celebrity death
pool, because, why not? It combines two of my favorite things: gambling and dead celebrities. I mean, what's more fun than winning cash if Paris Hilton od's on diet pills or Dick Cheney's cardiologist runs out of ideas?So here is my proposal: I will organize and manage a celebrity death pool with a $5 buy-in. You, dear readers, leave a comment or e-mail me if you are interested. I'll move forward if I can get twenty people. Picks will be posted on this site on January 1st. Results will be paid out on December 31st of 2007. Read more:Celebrity
, pools
, profit
Where's FEMA when you need 'em? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 It's freaking freezing here right now. Seriously, it is unnaturally cold. I just turned on the radio to hear my favorite morning talk show host say (and I quote)"You don't move to California for this kind cold."Yeah, no kidding. Tolerating the bullshit that this state dishes out year after year is made somewhat easier by the fact that we have a nine-month-long shorts season (twelve if you are my husband) and no snow. Now that has changed, as Mother Nature has apparently decided that our endless summer shall die now. Painfully.I woke up this morning to find that our grass has been covered with a thick sheet of frost and the current temperature is 44 degrees.My neighbors and I have declared a state of emergency. Please forward disaster relief packages to me and I will distribute to all affected parties. Items in short supply right now include Bailey's, polar fleece, and sitters to watch the kids while we get drunk and strategize. Now, I am very serious about this, so please imagine me
Celebrity Death Pool: Rules and Regulations 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Alright, here are the rules for the celebrity death pool, as promised:#1 - Pony UpTo join the elite corps of macabre prognosticators, you need to plunk down your $5 to play: Read more:Celebrity
, Rules
, Regulations
The CHP is currently clearing a big rig accident i... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The CHP is currently clearing a big rig accident
in which 50,000 pounds of cupcakes went flying across the highway.You read that right. A 50,000 pound cupcake spill.I'm currently struggling with the urge to call some of the model-thin bulimic moms around here. Because, you know, I wouldn't want to screw up the carpool schedule or anything.
Anyone moving to Texas? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Hey, if anyone is interested, my husband and I have a brand new house in College Station, Texas
available to rent:It has four bedrooms, three baths, a large backyard, washer, dryer, granite countertops, and four parking stalls at the rear of the property. Here is a link for anyone who might be interested in seeing the Yahoo! ad.We are renting the place for $1200 a month with a $600 deposit. Pets are welcome, but an additional $200 pet deposit must be paid.Drop me a line if you know anyone who might be interested. Read more:Anyone
*&$&*##@! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 As you can see by the last post, my husband and I are becoming truly desperate to rent a house we purchased in College Station. When we first embarked on this little adventure we had done our homework and set out with the knowledge that:- The real estate market in College Station is considered one of the most affordable in the nation- The rental market in College Station is flush with Texas A&M students- Texas A&M University is currently experiencing a historic shortage of student housingLook at that list again. Cheap real estate, captive market, and a housing crunch to boot. Finding renters in College Station should have been easier than shooting yuppies at a Crate & Barrel.So the King and I mortgaged our childrens' futures (if this investment doesn't pan out our daughter will be required to report to some small Malaysian island once she reaches that culture's "marriageable age"), purchased a home, and immediately screwed ourselves by hiring a property manager who swindled us.
After that last post I received several e-mails an... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 After that last post I received several
e-mails and a few comments from readers that were filled with excellent suggestions and helpful advice. A couple of readers even said they would pray on this for us.Thank you for your kind e-mails. I had no idea I had so many readers who would care enough to send me a few pick-me-up words. It really was quite sweet of you and kept me smiling through the last few days.I have also received an e-mail from one reader from Texas who took exception to my portrayal of Texans. I only have this to say; I am frustrated with the property managers we have encountered. My thoughts on those two individuals, however, does not hold true for all Texans. In fact my opinion is quite the contrary. I am quite enamored with Texas, I have enjoyed the people I have met when I have visited, I like the pace down there. One of the reasons my husband and I invested in Texas is because we are hoping to relocate there within the next several years. So I apologize if I came of
Where's the goat sucker? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I received the best Christmas gifts this year. The King (who has apparently become worn on my incessant chattering) gave me a few books to shut me up. One in particular was a light and fun read that helped give me a fresh new look at my home state.The book is called Spooky California. I love a good ghost story above all other forms of storytelling. I enjoy local ones in particular, and if I can dispense with the book altogether in favor of some old codger who can tell the story as it was handed down to him by his father and his father's father before him, then all the better. I had finished reading it by mid-afternoon Christmas Day.It was neat to become reacquainted with many of the stories, most of which took place in the immediate area and are directly tied to historical events such as the 1906 earthquake, the Spanish conquest in the Americas, and the Gold Rush. The Gold Rush figures most prominently in this collection, which stands to reason since the quest for gold initiated a per Read more:sucker
Honky Christmas 1970-01-01 00:59:59 To better comprehend the following photo, it is important that you know two things:- My grandmother's house has stairs between the kitchen and basement levels- When my grandfather built this house he installed a funky radiator system that radiates heat upward from the basement through a system of large vents installed between the two levelsOn Christmas
Eve, while the adults sat around the fire in the main part of the house, several of the kids congregated down below to race slinkies on the stairs that run between the kitchen and basement. They were raising one hell of a ruckus. We knew this because we could hear every giggle, exclamation, and squeal as it drifted up to us through the radiator system in the floor.That's when I got the bright idea to scare the kids."What are you guys doing in my basement?" I shouted through the vent in the gruffest voice I could.The screaming and laughing stopped at once."I asked you a question! Who are you and why are you in my basement?" I tried to m Read more:Honky
Ken Kesey on global warming and the art of holiday gift-giving 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I have a great aunt that my family calls crazy Aunt Dot. She used to be my incredibly intelligent Aunt Dot the retired physics professor. Then she turned into my questionably sane Aunt Dot who took regular trips through the cukoo's nest. Sometime after the death of her daughter (during one of her own trips through California's mental health care system) she turned into just plain crazy Aunt Dot whose grasp on reality has snapped in two.Aunt Dot is a very kind woman. She is thoughtful and sweet natured. However, by the time I was a teenager I realized that people who aren't used to her find encounters with Aunt Dot very disconcerting. Crazy Aunt Dot's grip on chronology slips regularly and she is being constantly thrown between times, places, and situations that occurred throughout her life. In one moment I can be discussing a space shuttle launch with her as her niece, and the next she's addressing me by someone else's name as if she were reliving a situation that happened thirty
Scintilla(s) 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Ding-dong-the-despotic-dictator-who-gleefully-tortured-and-killed-his-own-people-is-gone! As everyone undoubtedly knows by now, Saddam Hussein got his neck stretched yesterday. Normally I am anti-death penalty, but I reserve the right to make exceptions for people who use "roving death squad" in their job description.James Brown, Gerald Ford, Saddam Hussein. Three deaths. Three pucker moments. That is, until I was able to confirm that they were not on anyone's as-yet-unpublished death pool lists and therefore I would not be receiving angry e-mails from people who wanted to scootch the rules a little to include end-of-2006 deaths.I am changing up the rules a tad for the death pool. All picks will be considered "in play" as soon as they are published on this website. With that in mind I am going to be publishing the death pool lists a day early (hopefully this afternoon.) People are still welcome to join in the fun at any point during the year for $5, just read the rules that are in my
Death Pool Picks 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Alright, I promised to post all death pool picks with the associated points. Here they are. The points associated appear in paranthesis following each name. I will put up a permanent link to everyone's picks on the sidebar and update whenever someone new joins in the fun.This game will remain open throughout the year, so if you still want to play you can read the rules, pay the $5 using the Paypal button to the right, and then send me your list here.Since I am legally forbidden from playing I have decided to allow Harvey to take my place.Harvey:Walter Cronkite (1)Nicole Ritchie (2)J.D. Salinger (1)Scott Peterson (2)Gary Busey (2)Keith Urban (2)Hugh Hefner (1)Rosie O'Donnell (2)Pat Robertson (2)Tony Danza (2)LL:George W. Bush (2)Joy Behar (2)Anna Nicole Smith (3)Jimmy Carter (1)Tara Conner (3)Mel Gibson (2)Pete Rose (2)New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson (2)Greg from the Wiggles (3)Jim Cantore (3)HAK:Queen Elizabeth (1)Lindsay Lohan (2)Hugh Hefner (1)Steve-O (2)Yoko Ono (1)Fidel Castr
New Year's Meme 1970-01-01 00:59:59 James came up with this variation on the theme. In keeping with him, I tag everyone who has a blog and visits mine regularly.Here's the deal: Here are five things about myself that I don't like because of irrational fear of what others think. Not that the following items aren't a call to improvement, they just don't need to be improved because of what others might think of me.The caveat in this whole "need to get over what others think of me" sentiment is this; it is useful to care about our outward image to the extent that we're polite to those around us and mutually respectful in our interactions. However, we frequently fixate on the trivial, the stupid, and the outright destructive.So here are mine. Comment here and post your own on your blogs too:- I don't really get on with most of the other stay at home moms around here. It's not that I haven't tried. I am polite, I have given some of their activities a shot. Honest! I have finally realized that they are not bad people an Read more:New Year
Happy new year and all that jazz... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I was in bed by 9:30 last night and I still managed to wake up feeling like I was hit head-on by a Mack truck. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I started making salsa at noon. Well, probably more to do with the six margaritas consumed during the salsa creating extravaganza.Oh, and I almost forgot. Our nextdoor neighbors decided to drop by. I can't remember exactly when they showed up. I think it was roughly three-quarters of the way through the salsa making or six margaritas in....and one of them was wearing a bicycle helmet and weilding a toy light saber. I just re-read that last sentence and realize that I need to go back to bed. Read more:Happy
Bowl me over 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Alright, it's January 3rd and I think I have adequately recovered from the New Year's that was 2006-07. Maybe even enough to go face the inevitable crowd of resolutionists at my gym.So, it's the bowl season and after I woke up for the second time on New Year's Day I watched football. Actually, using the phrase "woke up" is a little misleading. I was shaken awake and dragged out of bed and to the living room couch by my over-enthusiastic husband who was watching the Rose Bowl. After all, Michigan and USC are playing! How could I sleep at a time like this?So anyway, here is a blow-by-blow account of my New Year's Day:All freaking morning to 1:59 Blah, blah, blah, this is the Rose Bowl pre-game show that started on or about December 26th. Blah, blah, blah. Gerald Ford, Michigan alum. Blah, blah, blah. Inspirational montage of both teams. Blah, blah, blah. Soft focus montage of Bo Schembechler. Blah, blah, blah.2:00 F-16s from a California National Guard unit in Fresno fly over in the
Condolences... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 ...go out to Travis, his dad, and their family.I'm not going to say anything more, because a blog post is a paltry way to memorialize such a profound loss. Read more:Condolences
This is the part where I become the beach bitch 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Many years ago when I was in high school and college, before I had my own children to psychologically terrorize, I used to be a camp counselor at Point Reyes National Seashore where I emotionally scarred other people's kids.Those were the days... I did everything from blame kids for their parents' divorces to advising image-obsessed girls that the ideal weight was achieved only after they stopped menstruating (I like to take credit for the dip in the teen pregnancy rate during that period of time.)During those halycon years, in between sessions of convincing little Johnny that "daddy drank because you got a 'C' in math," I led hikes, organized fishing excursions, and took kids swimming at the beach. Now, I would like to say one thing about the wisdom of encouraging dozens of twelve to fourteen-year-olds to venture into the most great-white infested water in the world... we had no idea. At that point great white research was in it's nascent stages and since only the rare surfer dis
Alright, by the nature and tone of several of the ... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Alright, by the nature
and tone of several
of the comments, I can see that my last post took on a particularly political color. First of all, I don't usually discuss politics on my blog for several reasons:#1 - There is already a preponderance of "political blogs" out there and to be honest? They only appeal to like-minded people. It's not like there are people out there posting about the war in Iraq and initiating a dispassionate discourse about the merits of diplomacy versus war.#2 - If I thought I could get folks in our nation to heal by exchanging their divergent views and behave constructively, then trust me, I would spend sixteen hours a day writing about politics.#3 - I like a lot of different people regardless of their political affiliations. I think too often, personal politics get in the way of otherwise wonderful relationships. Here at QofD I would prefer to relate to people on more common ground. I want to make you laugh and entice you to share your own experiences in the Read more:Alright
Name that tune... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Irving,Big, fat Irving,Big dum-dum Irving,Big dum-dum DEAD Irving,The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.
BCS Championship (or how my husband cheated death at the hands of his bookie) 1970-01-01 00:59:59 In the spirit of this post, I was going to do a play by play of last night's BCS game. The Dysfunctional household wanted Ohio State to go down in flames. I even received an omen when I was washing one of my global warming mugs yesterday morning and the entire Ohio/Pennsylvania/New York portion of the heat-sensitive decal came off in the soapy water....so I settled on my couch in front of the television last night with a pad of paper and a pen to (hopefully) watch the Gators chomp the Luckeyes.5:25 Florida kicks off and Ted Ginn Jr. returns the ball for a 93 yard touchdown. KofD's head comes dangerously close to exploding. Instead it turns around six or seven times as he spews a fountain of blood and green liquid and settles back in place before falling to the floor in slow motion, entreating me in a Marlon-Brando-in-The Godfather-inspired voice to call my bookie Luigi and hedge my bet...KofD's friend Keith calls to gloat. He has placed a several-thousand dollar bet with Luigi the b Read more:death
WOO HOO! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I just registered for my first class in the funeral education program! I have an orientation this Saturday, and classes start on Monday.Also, in the weather department... it's January 8th and sixty five degrees out. Yee haw! I'm wearing shorts right now and have every window in the house open....and yeah, ok, I'm still freezing my ass off because it's not ninety outside.
I'm too young to die! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I've had a hamstring injury. Or maybe it's a sciatic injury. It's possible that it's an issue with my posture or perhaps thousand of tiny gnomes inhabit my musculo-skeletal system and are pounding the bejesus out of my back and legs with their tiny gnome-jackhammers. The platoons-worth of doctors, physical therapists, and chiropractors keep scratching their head and prescribing more visits so they can bill my insurance thousands of dollars for nodding when I tell them it hurts.So I've had to quit running and I am going to resume swimming. I need a low impact fitness plan that keeps me active and doesn't cause my hamstrings to snap in two. The only problem with this plan is my fear of water and let me tell you; a profound fear of the water is not convenient when you are a runner trying to rehab an injury. It's even less so when you are someone who ordinarily loves to swim, scuba, snorkel, but can't get past that idea of ending up dead at the bottom of a pool a la Mrs. Shatner.H Read more:young
Fear the H2O: Part One 1970-01-01 00:59:59 After all my anxiety yesterday, I managed to squeak out over a half-mile of freestyle. Oddly enough, at the point that I quit I felt good enough to finish off the mile. I refrained, since I didn't want to go balls to the wall my first day out and fuck up my shoulders again (two torn rotator cuffs, both sides, from my competitive swimming days years ago... yes, my body is an anatomical Superfund site).Thanks for all the comments, I loved reading all the suggestions and personal experiences. But I have to admit that you people are beginning to scare me a little, what with your drinking, walking on your hands, and David Hasselhoff fetishes. By the time I read LL's comment about swimming with great white sharks I was feeling pretty silly, and that was the comment that finally pushed me out the door. So thanks LL for providing me with a much-needed nudge.Here's the first part of the story regarding the water thing: I used to be quite the swimmer in both the pool and open water. Fear of t
Fear the H2O: Part Two 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The second meeting of our class found thirty-eight of us freezing our asses off topside at the west end of Sac State's lap pool. Considering the first class, I was surprised at the showing. Despite Skube's admonishment to her on Tuesday, Rochelle had shown up in a bikini to test her swimming skills. I doubted she would be around for another week.Skube had shown up and was fiddling with something on the large lap clock situated at one end of the pool."Go ahead and get in you guys." he said to us before turning back to the clock. We all jumped in, eager to get out of the cold. Rochelle lowered herself onto the freezing concrete and edged herself into the pool delicately before declaring her dissatisfaction with the water's temperature."I don't think this pool is heated." She said and looked at us."Of course it is. If it weren't heated you'd know." One of the guys replied in an uneccesarily snide voice."No, there's no way. This water is not warm." Rochelle started to get out of the Read more:Part Two
Fear the H2O: Part Three 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Alright, the next to last installment of this saga. I promise to wrap it up soon so as not to bore my little Harry Potter fans to tears...So as you have probably guessed, having a panic attack in a pool can cure anyone with a relatively high comfort level in the water. Before that second day I would have described myself as a "strong swimmer." After the swim test I would have modified that description to read "floats on a good day."Anyway, the class continued to meet and I continued to not get thrown out, disqualified, or drowned. Predictably, Rochelle's last day was the day of the swim test. She left in a huff after failing to complete a full lap. To be honest, I was kind of disappointed. I figured she would make a great dive buddy in the event that we encountered a shark during our open water exams. The way I saw it, I could be back on the beach sipping a margarita in the time it would take Jaws to finish with her and begin looking for a second course.Rochelle shouldn't have felt t Read more:Three
Fear the H2O: The Finale 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Alright, this is it I promise! No more dive story!So, if the final class photo I have in front of me speaks the truth, sixteen of us survived the snorkeling, ass chewings, pool work, CPR classes, and marathon water-treading sessions. The weekend before, over half of us had even conquered the skies at a skydiving facility in Lodi where we jumped out of perfectly good airplanes (that's another story with a gruesome turn for a different time.)Now we were in Monterey for our open water exam which would consist of a written test and several dives.Our first skills test was scheduled for the first morning in town. Everyone was ecstatic, and I was secretly freaking out. My newly-developed fear of the water notwithstanding, I did enjoy the class and was looking forward to becoming scuba certified. It's just that images of malfunctioning tanks, regulators, or being pinned to the bottom by boulders (don't ask) kept competing for air time in my head.Once we had all managed to wiggle into wetsu Read more:Finale
Retards on Ice 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Well, El Nino fucked us Californians again. Every time that little bastard rolls our way, meteorologists go nuts telling us to expect a "warm and wet" winter, like we're facing a monsoon or something....and every year the meteorologists have either understated the amount of rain we get, or they are dead wrong about the "warm" part. So while the rest of the country starts planting orange crops, we in the west end up testing the limits of our flood insurance or freezing our asses off in sub-twenties temperatures.The next time an El Nino year is announced, I am packing my family up and we are going to run screaming to Mexico. Viva la gringa!Anyway, that's not the real reason I posted. The real reason I posted is because my neighbors have all scaled back the output from their sprinkler systems on their front lawns and it's pissing me off.You see, with temperatures in the teens and twenties, water from our sprinkler systems has been freezing solid as soon as it touches concrete. This has Read more:Retards
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