Owner: Majorly English URL:http://majorlyenglish.blogspot.com Join Date: Tue, 08 Aug 2006 10:50:10 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: The #1 Google result for "How to tell if an English Bulldog is in labor." It also happens to be the humorous ramblings of a recently graduated English major. Sports. Pop Culture. Laughs. Site statistics:Click here
If Only Buster Douglas Was Alive to See This 2006-11-18 20:21:00 Boxing News :: Breaking News : Mike Tyson: Fighter, Champ, Male Escort?
It's just too easy. Let's do away with pretenses and paragraphs, and just list as many ways this can be worked into a nice little joke.
Tyson may make an outstanding prostitute, but some people worry that he may take it on the chin too much.
A great endeavor for Tyson, but some people may frown on him taking a dive.
Something about nibbling ears.
The ladies love when Tyson whispers thweet nothingth in their ears.
"Iron Mike" doesn't just refer to his punches.
Yea, Tyson may service 20 women a day, but Don King then takes like 17 of them.
It's not rape if she pays for it.
Read more:Alive
, Buster
, Douglas
WILL IT BLEND??? 2006-11-18 03:43:00 Oh God, will it??You're god damn right it will.powered by performancing firefox
Former Michigan Coach Bo Schembechler Dead at 77 2006-11-17 20:04:48 From ESPN.com
Bo Schembechler, who became one of college football's great coaches in two decades at Michigan
, diedFriday after taping a TV show on the eve of the Wolverines' No. 1vs. No. 2 showdown with perennial rival Ohio State. He was 77.
Well, I really don't know how I should feel about this. On the one hand, I was too young to really know anything about Bo Schembechler, and was only familiar with his work after retiring, which in my world mainly consisted of making ridiculous statements against Notre Dame. Also, he is considered a saint of Michigan Football, which doesn't win him any points in my book.
On the other hand, a man is dead, and hopefully that life's perspective can be realized beyond the football field. Whether a team he coached beat your team really shouldn't permit you to feel joy at a 77-year old man's passing, especially considering said defeat occurred decades ago.
Then again, most discussion of his death is occurring on sports message boards across the Read more:Coach
, Former
Need a Cubicle? Not Gay? Then We've Got Just the Thing for You! 2006-11-10 21:35:00 From Wonkette:
In our democratic world, leaders can come and go in the flash of an eye. A politician can appear to be on top of the world, steamrolling towards the undying admiration and respect of his constituents, and next thing he knows he is out of a job just because of a little racial slur, sexual scandal, or gross unethical behavior (see: Republicans).
With it the business of politics being here today, well-compensated lobbyist tomorrow, there are always the spoils of war to be had after elections. What would you give today to have Walter Mondale's campaign desk phone? How about Teddy Roosevelt's BullMoose monocle? Michael Dukakis's L.A. Lights? Can you even begin to put a price on these souveneirs of the democratic process at work?
How about $2600?
Yes, for this low, low price, you can be the proud owner of this once-in-a-lifetime memento: actual cubicles used during Rick Santorum's unsuccessful run to be re-elected as PA Senator. Think of all the things you could Read more:Thing
Goodnight, Sweet Lying Prince 2006-11-08 20:50:00 Be thankful I don't have a day job. As such, I had the rare privilege and pleasure to watch President Bush sweat and mumble incoherently while under fire from a suddenly vigorous press corps after announcing that Defense Secretary Rumsfeld will resign his position. It truly was a thing to marvel at, as all of a sudden the Washington reporters were calling Bush to task on his inconsistencies, none of the least being that he said a week ago that Rumsfeld was here to stay.
Please, if you missed it, be sure to find a tape of the press conference, Bush really appears to be blindsided by the Democratic avalanche, as if he never saw it coming. Once again, it proves that blind optimism is not a strategy, and we shouldn't expect our Commander in Chief to simply make decisions and hope things work out for the best.
Of course, the only problem with the Democrats taking over the House and seemingly the Senate is that the entire legislative arm is still entirely made up of those damn politici Read more:Goodnight
, Lying
, Prince
, Sweet
From the Internet That Brought You the Star Wars Kid: Be an Informed Citizen 2006-11-07 18:15:00 Unless you haven't looked at a newspaper, a television screen, or yards for the past six months or so, I'm sure you know that today is Election Day, a day of great excitement in the United States. We finally get a chance to exercise the right that thousands of people have fought and died for, and more importantly, we don't have to watch campaign ads anymore after today.
Per usual, I encourage all of you to vote, unless you believe in Creationism, in which case I encourage you to sit quietly and let the grown-ups handle things. However, how many of you really know what camp you fall in based on your personal beliefs? Well, worry no longer, the Internet
comes to save the day:
You are a
Social Moderate
(50% permissive)
and an...
Economic Liberal
(23% permissive)
You are best described as a:
Democrat
Read more:Citizen
I'm Sorry to Break the News to You, But Bob Barker is Way Cooler than Your Grandpa 2006-11-02 23:24:00 Now that I've waxed nostalgic on Bob Barker
and his impending retirement, it's time for me to note how he is undeniably the coolest 82 year old man on the planet. First off, he gets some heat for dumping some of his Beauties after they got a bit high in the age department (seriously, Janice Pennington was a Barker's Beauty from 1972 to 2000. 28 YEARS! Didn't her wrists get tired from showing all the great prizes with appropriate flair and spunk?) and replacing them with some foxy new meat.
Secondly, when Bob was asked by Entertainment Weekly what his most memorable moment in his 35 years of hosting The Price is Right, this was his answer:
He said the most memorable moment on the show was when a young female contestant's tube top slipped when she jumped up and down with excitement, exposing both breasts.
Yes, in 35 years of producing daily, 2 hour episodes of The Price is Right, Bob Barker's favorite memory is when he got to catch some freebie boobage.
Finally, Bob Barker wi Read more:Break
, Grandpa
The Price Will Never Be Exactly Right Again 2006-11-02 19:28:35 Bob Barker to retire from The Price is Right
in June after hosting the program for 35 years.It's like finding out that Santa Claus is hanging up the sleigh reigns. Bob Barker, the man who made millions of people lose control over A NEW CAR, rolled out everyone's favorite game, PLINKO!, and made us all scream, "1 dollar, Bob," is calling it quits after 50 years hosting TV game shows and 35 with The Price is Right. It truly is the end of an era.If you saw the advertisments that run during The Price is Right, Wilford Brimley selling diabetes medication, ads for fiber pills, and low-cost life insurance plans, you would think that liver spots and early onset Alzheimer's were prerequisites for watching the show. However, I believe that The Price is Right holds a special place in the heart of every person who ever came down with a nasty 24-hour bug as a child.I remember curling up on my couch as a child, the late morning sun beating through the blinds, my fevered body shivering under a Read more:Again
Good News, Everyone! 2006-11-02 17:00:54 Barnes & Noble has begun putting out their Christmas displays! Yes, yesterday evening, it was out with the Satanic Halloween children's books, and in with the sacred consumerism. May you all have a blessed, needlessly long shopping season. Read more:Good News
Feliz Naviad. I'd Say More, But I'm Trying To Save Up My Words 2006-12-13 16:04:00
If you couldn't tell, that was a stirring rendition of the Yule classic, Feliz
Navidad, played by a man who tragically was born without vocal chords or a soul. However, I'm not here to talk about sad, empty attempts to gain the attention, nay, the admiration of random sweaty strangers on the Internet by Youtubing their subpar guitar skills into their hearts. As an aside, I would like to lay claim to being the first person to ever verbalize the word "Youtube," so when the Oxford English Dictionary decides that it belongs within its hallowed pages, I better get proper recognition, including but not limited to an oversized novelty check for a predetermined amount and the Oxford English Dictionary Word Selection Process Home Edition. Aside concluded.
Feliz Navidad, for those of you who hate Mexicans, means "Merry Christmas" in Spanish. Yes, a song about Christmas named "Merry Christmas" exists, but it's in a foreign language, so that makes it fun and exotic, like when you tak Read more:Words
BIG Man on Campus . . . Grow Up, 60 Minutes 1970-01-01 00:59:59 For all the proud members of the Notre Dame brethren, I'm sure you no doubt saw the 60 Minutes feature on Charlie Weis last night. I have to admit, I was a bit nervous when I saw the teasers they had for it, talking about how Charlie Weis's brash New Jerseytude ruffled the feathers of the gentle sensibilities of the Holy Cross Priests, but it actually was a great puff piece. Yes, Charlie Weis swears, and yes, he is a little lumpy, but hey, football coaching isn't a beauty pageant. Under the tutelage of Parcells and Belicheck, Weis established an outstanding pedigree of coaching prowess, if to the detriment of his fashion sense and Pilates appointments. But I know I speak for all Irish fans when I say that our coach can wear a bathrobe and a ZZ Top beard, so long as he brings us back to the promised land.But back to 60 Minutes, I thought it was a good piece on Weis, and great publicity for Notre Dame. He came across as a hard-nosed football genius with no patience for anything s Read more:Campus
I Don't Want to Offend Brian Kirchner or Nothing... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 But I'm listening to Meat Loaf, and he totally rocks. Not rocks like "Rock You Like a Hurricane" Scorpions rock, but more like a badass "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" Celine Dion. The kind of rock that makes you think dragons and pulling swords out of cliffs are prominently involved.rocks hard enough to break this blog.powered by performancing firefox Read more:Brian
, Kirchner
, Nothing
Dragging Voting Into the 21st Century 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The media lately has been hashing the troubles many regions of the country are having with new-fangled computerized voting devices. They claim that bugs, errors, and glitches make the entire endeavor questionable, and many parts of the country want to say the hell with it and go back to paper ballots. People say that our country isn't ready for our voting to be computerized.For God's sake, it isn't that complicated. The inherent distrust our behind-the-times government is showing for computers at the polls is unbelievable. Need we remind the naysayers of the infallible nature of the hanging chad, the miniscule scrap of paper that spawned thousands of Capitol Steps send-ups and MAD TV skits? Fraud and errors are just as common with physical voting as digital voting.In a country where we can't even get half the population to cast a vote for their elected leaders, we desperately need to advance voting technology and increase the ease of access. I think we should go one step furt Read more:Century
, Dragging
, Voting
Election 2006: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Mostly Bad. A Little Ugly. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 If you've turned on your television, listened to the radio, opened a newspaper, or allowed the CIA satellites to enter into your foil-free cerebellum, you no doubt know that the midterm elections are rapidly approaching. Since relocating to Washington, DC, I've had the distinct pleasure of being kept up to date on the Maryland Gubernatorial and Senatorial races, in addition to Virginia's own heated Senate race. The insightful and thought-provoking campaign advertisements from each candidate have educated me on their stances on various political issues, and assured me that if they earn my precious vote, they will do everything in their power to uphold the huge honor and awesome responsibility that comes with serving as a elected official.Just kidding, they've called each other racists, pedophiles, and Bush whores. It's been fun.Yes, I am exhausted by the inundation of campaign advertisements from the states on either side of the District (that's what we call it here, country si Read more:Election
Man Declares Caressing Balls as "Kind of Gay" 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Brian Kinchen, color man extraordinaire. My favorite part of the entire exchange was Kinchen saying that he practices catching with your hands with his kids in the backyard, and you can perfectly imagine him yelling to young Dale, "Dammit, Dale, you've got to caress the ball with your supple hands. Come on, you little homo."By the by, does anybody know if this announcer was the same one who talked about winging balls at his kids' faces to teach them to get their hands up earlier this college football season?powered by performancing firefox Read more:Balls
See What Running 26.2 Miles Gets You? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 From the wonderful gang at Deadspin:Marathon runners have a special breed of masochism in their genes. They desire to push their bodies and minds to their absolute limits. At the end of such an extreme strain on the body, the lungs are burning, the legs are burning, the feet are rubbed raw, and this time, the universe just had to put a nice cap on the entire miserable experience. That's why you'll never see me running a marathon: severe head trauma.powered by performancing firefox Read more:Miles
ABC: Where the Slightly Less Beautiful People Are 1970-01-01 00:59:59 If you haven't noticed, ABC is currently pimping one of its new shows as a groundbreaking humanitarian effort. "Ugly Betty" is the story of an unattractive woman working in the superficial and glamorous world of fashion, trying to get by on her spunk and moxy rather than her boobs and butt. ABC is utterly pleased with themselves to be offering such a "deep" show, one that isn't afraid to show that not everyone on television has to have collagen lips, bleached hair, and a silicone everywhere you can stick a needle. You can practically see their smug self-satisfaction reflecting off Betty's apalling glasses. However, there's a problem with the entire process; this is Ugly Betty:Oh God, get it away! She's . . . she's . . . barely above average! And sweet Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, are those hips??? What is this, the 1800's?This is America Ferrera, the titular character of the Salma Hayek-helmed comedy. She is supposed to be sufficiently ugly to carry the entire "outside-the-H Read more:Beautiful
Ignore the Man Behind the Blog! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Don't panic, everyone, please remain seated. I'm just toying with some new tools for the blog, to better enhance your reading experience/force me to update more often. For those of you wondering why you bothered reading those last two sentences, and are currently wondering why you should continue reading this very sentence, word after word, why are you still doing this to yourself, watch this silly video:Stevie Starr, Professional Regurgitator. Honorable Mention for simultaneously being one of the Most Terrifying/Most Awe-Inspiring People on the planet.powered by performancing firefoxpowered by performancing firefox Read more:Ignore
I'm Peter Schroeder, and I Approve This Posting 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Having spent close to a month living in our nation's capital (Washington, DC, for the infants out there), I've come to develop a more intimate understanding of the way our great democratic process works. We, the people, have the rare opportunity on this planet to be able to express our thoughts, our opinions, even our dreams and understand that we have the right to have those ideas respected by our elected officials. We're rapidly approaching another round of elections, in which the public will speak their mind and choose the official they believe will best represent them and what they want from this great nation of ours. Therefore, the onus falls on the politicians to provide a sense of security and understanding to the general public, an assurance that they understand the grand task they stand to undertake as elected officials, and under no circumstances will they do anything less than their absolute best to uphold the timeless words etched on the yellowed paper of the Constitu Read more:Peter
, Posting
Roethlisberger Smashes Head Again, Helmet Useless 1970-01-01 00:59:59 ESPN.com - NFL - Sources: Roethlisberger suffered concussion vs. FalconsAnother chapter in the "Well, No Freaking Duh" series, people with rudimentary common sense sources close to the situation say that Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger suffered a concussion yesterday against the Atlanta Falcons. Doctors made the diagnosis after Roethlisberger returned to the locker room in the second half, and I made the diagnosis from my loveseat, 4 states away. Who do these "sources" really think they're impressing? Roethlisberger looked about as coherent as Bobby Brown stumbling into competing in the National Spelling Bee after a 72-hour snortathon.Roethlisberger is questionable for next week's game, as he is scheduled to contract a virulent strain of monkey tuberculosis on Saturday.powered by performancing firefox Read more:Again
, Helmet
Michael Steele vs. Ben Cardin: Puppygate 2006 1970-01-01 00:59:59 MichaelSteele
(The black one.)Ben Cardin
Loves PuppiesAbstains from Puppies In the race of the vacant Maryland Senate seat, Republican Michael Steele and Democrat Ben Cardin are locked in a brutal battle to prove which of them is slightly less uninspiring. Steele came out swinging with heavy TV circulation and flashy advertisements, and took a strong stand when he vouched for his love of puppies. Cardin responded by saying that loving puppies is not a plan, and if elected Senator, he plans to have a hearing on puppies in an attempt to determine a timeline for loving them.Steele appears to be a bit of a Bush lackey, siding with the embattled President on a number of issues such as a ban on embryonic stem cell research and the war on Iraq. However, Steele is running on the popular "Washington Outsider" platform, stating that both parties are out of whack and we need some fresh blood to "shake Washington up." Cardin is running on a "Boy, Bush sure is evil, huh? Better vote for the g
R.I.P., Coaches Screwing It Up 1970-01-01 00:59:59 College football has lost a legend today, a 21st century Paul Bunyan, a Patrick Henry that swings open palms instead of pickaxes.John L(unatic) Smith will resign at the end of the 2006 Michigan State football season, according to ESPN.com.School officials say:"The performance on the field has not lived up to what we hoped it would be," athletic director Ron Mason said during the news conference. "It comes time to make a change, and that's where we're at.""Coach Smith deserves to coach the rest of this season because he will coach with his heart, just like he always has," Joel Ferguson, Vice Chairperson of Michigan State's Board of Trustees, told ESPN's Joe Schad. "We have respect for him and we hope he takes us to a bowl game. What we need here is more players. What we need is better recruits. We don't make excuses. What we need is more depth and more players."He will coach with his heart. Just don't ask for the brain to follow.L, I don't know where your next stop along the old Read more:Coaches
Your Maury Povich Update 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Yesterday, on Maury Povich, a woman named Forever was on the show. She was attempting to find the father of her 1 month baby girl, named Eternity. This was the fifth time she had been on the show, testing various men for the paternity of her child. He wasn't the father. She couldn't believe it. Read more:Update
IUP: The 'P' stands not just for 'Pennsylvania,' but also 'Crudely Computer Animated and Anatomically Improbable Pornography' 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The Crimson HawkThe Big Lead » blog » Mascots and Porn, a Marriage Made in College HeavenIndiana University of Pennsylvania
(not to be confused with California University of Pennsylvania[C-U-P, heh]), the school that makes little to no geographic sense, nowhas a mascot that makes no sense, and manages to be smut-derived toboot. Just recently, IUP decided to adopt the majestic if fictionalCrimson Hawk as their school mascot. However, a Google search of theterm shows that the first results of the term provide a website devoted to a hugely-breasted, pornographic superheroine who wears a costume best designed to allow her boobs to fall out in the name of fighting crime or some such thing.No word on when IUP decides to deal with this newfound situation. The Board of Trustees is still attempting to determine what state the school is actually in.Also the Crimson Hawk.powered by performancing firefox Read more:Computer
, Pornography
, stands
Solving World Hunger Through Lesbian Make-out Sessions 1970-01-01 00:59:59 FOXNews.com - Miss USA Tara Conner's Fate to Be Announced Tuesday, Amid Reports of Cocaine Abuse - Celebrity Gossip | Entertainment News | Arts And EntertainmentIn a blow that America will not soon recover from, incumbent Miss USA Tara Conner's future as the Sash-Bearer of Freedom is in question, due to reports of her partying ways. Donald Trump, owner of the pageant, is slated to decide on her fate today. When asked about the tenuous situation regarding her employment and the possibility of termination, Trump said, "We will take into account the wide variety of reports we have received, I will meet with the Miss USA board and pageant coordinators, and we will come to a prompt decision that we hope will be best for all parties involved so that we may continue forward with the Miss USA Pageant." After being nudged by his publicist, Trump amended his quote to, "You're Fired . . . Maybe?"So what exactly does someone have to do to lose their crown? According to FOXNews:Rumors have swirl Read more:Hunger
, Sessions
, World
Charlie Weis Reminds ND Faithful How We Could Love a Fat, Flatopped Man With the Heat of a Thousand Suns 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Dressed for comfort. And mayhem.From ESPN's Ivan Maisel:He may be loud and he may be big, but even Charlie
Weis can be inconspicuous. On the night that Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn did not win the Heisman Trophy, the Fighting Irish coach stood behind a pillar at the far end of the lobby outside the Nokia Theater. If you came down the stairs into the lobby and craned your neck to the left, you might have seen Weis, which is how he liked it.When public figures like Weis are in a public setting -- that is, one they don't control, complete with civilians -- they lurk on the edge of it. To dive in would be to surrender their time and their shield. Speaking of which, I can remember being in South Bend some years ago for a banquet at which then-coach Lou Holtz would speak. He stood in the second-floor lobby of the athletic building, self-pinned against a trophy case, sipping a diet Coke and girding himself to go on stage.So Weis is off to one side, and I walk up and re-introduce mys Read more:Faithful
, Thousand
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