Bruce Campbell - Hail to the King
2007-07-31 10:50:44
Chris S. from New York, NY submitted Bruce
Campbell
for Epic judgement. According to Chris, "The man exudes awesomeness. He's so badass you want to punch yourself in the face."
While we don't recommend watching any Bruce Campbell movies around Chris "punch yourself in the face" S, we have to agree that we all should say, "Hail to the king, baby." Not many actors can pull off Elvis as action star, "It's time for A-C-T-I-O-N!"
Bruce, if you're out there, I've got one word for you, "Groovy."
Verdict: EPIC
Seth Rogen to Write and Star in Green Hornet
2007-07-30 18:46:47
First problem: I don't give a shit about the Green
Hornet
.
Second problem: It's being made by Seth Rogen. Seth friggin' Rogen! Look at the picture to the left and just think about Mr. Funny Doughy White Guy playing the Green Hornet. I dare you.
Bright side: There's no way in hell I'm seeing this movie.
Verdict: NOT EPIC
*NOTE: If I ever do see this film with Mr. Rogen starring as the GH and if I actually like it, I will print out this post and eat it.
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"The Simpsons Movie" ads
2007-07-27 08:27:52
Hey, did you know that there's a movie based on "The Simpsons
" opening soon? It might even be today, I think. Who knows.
Who knows? You knows, that's who. There have been big movies with big ad campaigns, but I'll be damned if there was ever one that had as much cram-it-down-your-throat-ness as this movie has. What was the budget for the movie. I'm curious. $40 million? $50? I really don't know. What was the budget for the advertising? I'll tell you: way too damn much.
Now, don't get me wrong: I love "The Simpsons," even the crappy 11th, 12th and 13th seasons. But when was the last time that a convenience store chain converted stores to look like the shops in a program?* I don't recall them changing the NYC Port Authority into a Mos Eisley space port when STAR WARS prequels were coming out (and that's despite the fact that the NYC Port Authority is a wretched hive of scum and villainy). And do you dare turn on FOX this summer? You dare not. You'll be subjected to repeated a
Faceball!
2007-07-26 08:10:11
Faceball, dammit. This needs to be the only game at the Olympics. That starts now. Someone make it happen. I'm serious, get off your butt and call your mom and tell her to do something. Face-freaking-ball, motherf^(#er.
Verdict: EPIC*
*Note: I'm EPICing as hard as I can for this one.
Bitches leave.
2007-07-25 08:13:53
It's not everyday that two words get put together in such a way that they leave a burn mark on your brain. That's what happened in 1987 when Clarence Boddicker (played with panache and dare we say beauty, oh yes, we dare) put a "bitches" in front of a "leave" on his way to kill Miguel Ferrer.* "Bitches
leave" left skid marks as it hit the gray matter we keep in our skulls, and we haven't recovered since. The fact that the words cling to each other is only the starting point. What really sells it? Mr. Smith's reading, which sounds like he's giving stage direction.
*(Note: Mr. Ferrer has since recovered. He will be starring in the new series, "The Bionic Woman.")
Verdict: EPIC
God of War II
2007-07-23 13:18:15
A fallen god seeking vengeance against those that betrayed him ... epic. Kratos the god of war is the freaking man, "If all those on Olympus would deny me my vengeance, then all of Olympus will die."
Verdict: EPIC
The Duct Tape Bandit
2007-08-15 08:24:45
The Duct Tape Bandit
has been caught. At long last, your ducts can rest easy. No, he wasn't stealing duct tape, he was using it to hide his identity. It did a pretty freaking good job too, just look at the photo. If this guy robbed me the only thing I'd be able to say to the cops would be "I was mugged by a retarded mummy." No way the cops are catching him on that description.*
Duct Tape Disguise Verdict: Not Epic **
Idiocy Verdict: EPIC
*NOTE: He was caught and beaten by a liquor store owner.
**DOUBLE NOTE: This tiny image is of this clown.
Japanese Game Shows
2007-09-20 08:07:29
Konichiwa.
Why is it that every Japanese
game show makes The Price is Right look like a geriatric rectal exam? Out of shape Americans guessing product prices. If that isn't a metaphor for where our culture is I don't know what is. "Feed me and let me buy stuff," is our national motto apparently.
The metaphor for Japanese culture? "Make stuff big and hurt me with it." Yeah, that's it, that's what we like. Hit me baby, one more time. If baseball is good than a giant baseball is better. If running is good then running on a treadmill going ludicrous speed is better. If winning prizes is good then getting hurt and winning... apparently nothing... is best of all.
Why is America losing our standing in the international community? Because our game shows demonstrate that we can't take a punch. Go ahead and try to tell me that Barker's Beauties could take on the goons from MXC. Yeah, go ahead and try.
Verdict: EPIC
Chewbacca
2007-09-07 08:16:53
Shut up, you know it's true.
When you get to co-pilot the Millennium Falcon, trade secret handshakes with Yoda, and hang with Han Solo, you get to call yourself epic, and you don't need no stinkin' list to do it for you.
Chewbacca, Chewie to his friends (and no, buttercup, that doesn't include you), is Cousin It injected with 100% Kick Ass. He carries a crossbow. Yeah, you heard me. And we may never get over the fact that originally George Lucas intended for the Battle of Endor to take place on Kashyyyk, Chewie's home planet, but he decided that Wookie's were "done" and might be too hard to do, so they gave us furry smurfs called Ewoks. Therapy still hasn't healed that hurt.
As if all that weren't enough, he's got a song, they auctioned off his head, and vacuum cleaners want to grow up to be him:
Verdict: EPIC*
*NOTE: If there are still any doubters out there, check this out: "Chewie" is phonetically identical to "Chuy", a shortening of the common Mexican proper name J
Capital S - Sandwich
2007-10-31 13:12:14
Jordan M. sent in this submission for a hoagie, cosmo, grinder, poor boy, hero, sub sandwich. Whatever you call it, this thing is of epic proportions. Don't let their innocent smiles fool you into a false sense of security. These two boys passed into manhood after eating this heart clogging seven pound baby.
What would you put on a sub to grow hair on your chest? Turkey? Mustard? Those are the ingredients of children and the infirm. How about ham, salami, roast beef, bacon (the true meat of the gods), 2 kinds of cheese, pickles, tomatoes, lettuce, mayo and hot sauce. But wait ... there's one more ... BEEF JERKY! That's right, these two well preserved men (for they are MEN now) gnawed their way through beef freakin' jerky.
Most men would cry at the thought, but not these two. The only way this could have been better is if it had been made out of sand and an actual witch.
Verdict: EPIC
* Note: The sandwich is so brilliant it can't be looked at directly. In fac
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