Owner: Atlanta Counseling and Therapy Services URL:http://atlantacounselor.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2007 08:55:39 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Essays and observations on personal growth and development from Bill Herring, LCSW, an Atlanta area counselor and psychotherapist. Site statistics:Click here
The Most Important Question in Couple's Therapy 2007-07-31 08:21:00 When I provide counseling to couples who are struggling with each other, there’s one question in particular that I seek the opportunity to ask in the first session. Depending on the response I get I am able to make some crucial initial decisions about the way I'm going to be able to work with the couple sitting in front of me. Of course I’ll ask how each person views the issues they are struggling with and the goals they are seeking. I want to learn something about the positive feelings they have for each other. Together we’ll gain some insight into their communication styles and some appreciation for their challenges in light of their unique personal histories. As the flow of conversation allows, depending on their situation we may talk about sexual issues, financial stresses, alcohol use, parenting, or any number of other topics. Thorughout the entire process I am working to set the stage for greater insight, support, symptom relief, hope, healthier behavior and the succesful Read more:Question
, Therapy
First posting 2007-07-31 06:57:00 Hello and welcome. I'm Bill Herring, LCSW, a counselor in the Atlanta area. I've been providing counseling, psychotherapy and life coaching to individuals and couples for twenty years. I've started this blog to post some of my thoughts and essays on various aspects of personal growth. I hope you will check back with me on a regular basis and subscribe to this page so that you don't miss any postings. I'm looking forward to hearing from you! Read more:First
Therapeutic Distinctions, Part Two 2007-08-02 07:01:00 This is the second in a series of observations that I have gathered in my years as a psychotherapist. It describes examples of what I call useful therapeutic distinctions, ways of approaching common traps in thoughts and emotions which often confront us in our quest to live "wisely and well". Empathy vs. sympathy - These two concepts are very different even though they seem the same to many people. Sympathy is just feeling sorry for a person. That’s fine as far as it goes, and it's certainly preferable to not caring how somebody feels. But empathy isn’t just having sympathy for how somebody feels. It involves stepping into that feeling, trying it on, experiencing how it feels to be in the other person’s shoes. When we are empathetic we gain appreciation for alternate viewpoints. Empathy is evolutionarily adaptive.Happiness vs. serenity – Sometimes I hear people say they want to be happy. Parents often talk about wanting their kids to grow up happy. While I understand the sen Read more:Part Two
Therapeutic Distinctions, Part One 2007-08-01 05:23:00 I’m pretty eclectic in my therapeutic work with clients: different theoretical approaches work best in different situations. Depending on an individual’s personality and needs I may be very directive (“do this”) or simply supportive (“wow, that sucks”). I might spend a lot of time working on how a client interacts with people or primarily focus on intrapsychic processes, i.e. what’s going on between the ears. I primarily use healing conversations to help clients work through their difficulties, (although I’m also trained in a technique called EMDR that helps dissipate the negative effects of trauma in a dramatically rapid manner).I listen very carefully to my clients on a lot of simultaneous levels, and pay close attention to the words they use to describe their world. I look for opportunities to introduce and highlight subtle but crucial differences in concepts that people often take for granted. What follows are just a few of these important distinctions that I addres
Therapeutic Distinctions, Part Three 2007-08-03 07:07:00 This is another in a series of posts highlighting conceptual distinctions that I find have therapeutic value in my psychotherapy practice as well as in my own life.Caring vs. codependent – For many years I hardly used the word 'codependency' at all in my practice, because it seemed to be so vaguely defined. I now use it to mean any excess reliance on the opinion of others to determine either the appropriateness of my actions or my worth as a person. While I now accept the usefulness of the term, I maintain a couple of reservations.My first concern is that codependency best describes a process, not a person (see “nouns” vs. “verbs”, below). I can notice when my codependency issues are kicking up, but that doesn’t somehow make me something called a “codependent”. I think it’s very limiting and fundamentally inaccurate to turn a functional process into a definition of a person. My other concern about the concept of codependency is that it can pathologize caring about a Read more:Three
Rebuilding Trust: The Long And Winding Road 2007-08-07 15:19:00 I’ve worked with many couples who are struggling to rebuild trust in their relationship after experiencing the betrayal of infidelity by one of the partners. Very often I’ve seen the person who had the extramarital affair express the desire that their spouse “get over” the incident far too early in the healing process. I think this often reflects that person’s inability to “stay in their pain” long enough to fully come to terms with the devastating consequences that such a violation of trust causes. Since they can’t handle uncomfortable feelings for very long (which probably has something to do with why they were unable to resist having an affair in the first place) they subtly or even overtly put undue pressure on their partner to prematurely forgive them.I try to provide realistic expectations from the outset of therapy that the process of rebuilding trust is long and slow but ultimately worth it. I use several metaphors to help a couple understand the process of Read more:Rebuilding
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Therapeutic Distinctions, Part Four 2007-08-05 20:11:00 Like a small stream that turns into river, the collection of "therapeutic distinctions" that I began writing has continued to grow! Here is another set of useful comparisons of concepts that can guide personal growth.Small vs. big – I often point out to clients that many times "small IS big". We all love the Big Change, the 180 degree turn-around, and those are certainly possible to achieve. But so many times it is the little change that is the best sign of more good things to come. The first tender shoot that comes out of the garden is cause for celebration. Small changes need to be nurtured, cared for, and honored.Process vs. outcome – Of course, the bottom line of changing our behavior is often to get a different outcome. We want what we do to matter in the world. But often it is just as important – more so, even – to engage in an action because the principle behind it is worthwhile, regardless of whether it actually results in an outcome others will notice. It's important
Therapeutic Metaphor: Sunflower Seeds 2007-08-09 21:03:00 I've written a lot about "therapeutic distinctions" in previous posts, so now I'm going to turn my attention to an occasional series of posts regarding various therapeutic metaphors that I use from time to time in my session work with clients. I find metaphors to be excellent ways of highlighting concepts that people can find useful in their lives, often in subtle and unexpected ways. The first one is about sunflower seeds. Have you ever eaten sunflower seeds out of the shell? You pop a few into your mouth, split the shells with your teeth and extract the seeds with your tongue. The final step is to spit out the shells and eat the seeds. You sure don’t either spit out or swallow the whole thing. This can be a good metaphor for being selective about what you take into yourself. Take two people who may love each other but are having a heated argument. Sometimes people get so frustrated that they get their feelings really hurt by the slightest thoughtless thing their partner s Read more:Metaphor
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Therapeutic Metaphor: North Star 2007-08-12 09:22:00 While some goals are achievable, others are aspirational, meaning they can never be fully reached. Both achievable and aspirational goals are important to have in our lives. For instance, if I want to lose a certain amount of weight, this is a definitive goal that I am capable of achieving. But I also may want to be more accepting and less resentful of other people. Even though I'll never fully achieve this goal, I can judge my progress by the degree to which I keep my emotional poise, especially in challenging situations.For centuries sailors crossed oceans using the North
Star to chart their course. Although the wind and tides constantly pushed them off course, they were able to use the unwavering location of the North Star to determine how far they had drifted and to plot a return back to their destination. You never reach the North Star, of course. It always remains unreachable, but it also always remains a beacon to guide and inspire your progress.What is your North Star? W Read more:Metaphor
The Most Important Question In Couple's Therapy 2007-08-15 21:53:00 When I provide counseling to couples who are struggling with each other, there’s one question in particular that I seek the opportunity to ask in the first session. Depending on the response I get I am able to make some crucial initial decisions about the way I'm going to be able to work with the people sitting in front of me. Of course I’ll ask how each person views the issues they are struggling with and the goals they are seeking. I want to learn something about the positive feelings they have for each other. Together we’ll gain some insight into their communication styles and some appreciation for their challenges in light of their unique personal histories. As the flow of conversation allows, depending on their situation we may talk about sexual issues, financial stresses, alcohol use, parenting, or any number of other topics. Throughout the entire process I am working to set the stage for greater insight, support, symptom relief, hope, healthier behavior and the successful Read more:Question
, Therapy
The 20-60-20 Rule 2007-08-14 15:46:00 I'm not sure where I got the idea for the "20-60-20" rule. A web search came up with several concepts that aren't the same as how I use the term. (Perhaps I didn't dig deep enough down in the results.) What I'm referring to is the idea of a useful ratio for helping to keep in perspective the ebbs and flows of how life seems to be treating us at any particular time.The basic idea is that 60% of what we experience in life is just about what we expect, neither exceptionally good or bad in and of itself. 20% is above average, beyond our expectations, better than we expected. Consequently, 20% is likely to be disappointing, frustrating, less satisfying than we had hoped. Of course there can be a lot of variation at different points in our life, but as a rough guide this is a reasonable expectation.As an example, for every five movies you watch, three will be ok. They'll hold your interest, maybe give you something to talk about later. One is likely to be a real bomb, a flat-out waste o
Therapeutic Metaphor: Speaking the Same Language 2007-08-19 00:00:00 I think I picked up the following metaphor from either Janet Woititz or Claudia Black, both highly respected authors in the field of addiction and families. This metaphor addresses the common tendency for two people with specific histories of family dysfunction to find each other, develop a mutual attraction, form an intimate relationship, and then inexorably begin acting out a pattern of behaviors that recreates the unfinished business of each of their families of origin. In other words, both you and your partner start off thinking you're going to get away from whatever it was in your childhood that messed you up, only to find it surface in your relationship with each other.How is it that two people can attract each other like magnets in such a way that each one inevitably pulls the other into an all-too-familiar dance that is often generations old, especially when so many other people wouldn't put up with it for a minute? Is it coincidence? Are they just unlucky? Cursed? No, t Read more:Metaphor
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Therapeutic Metaphor: Walking the Dog 2007-08-24 22:10:00 An essential skill for good emotional health is being able to manage our emotions so they don't rule us. It's appropriate to experience a wide range of emotions, including all types of anxiety, sadness, anger, happiness, etc. Our goal should be the ability to experience these emotions in such a way that they influence but don't control us. Picture a person struggling to walk a large and unruly dog through a park. Every time that untrained dog sees a squirrel he is likely to chase after it, dragging the poor human on the other end of the leash through the bushes. This is the way some people are with their emotions. Any direction their feelings take them, that's where they're going to go whether they like it or not. It takes a lot of effort to discipline your emotions, but the results are well worth it.I enjoy reading jokes from different eras, and I remember one from the 1920's, in which a rich woman told her butler to walk her beloved poodle Fifi through the park. The haug Read more:Metaphor
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Therapeutic Metaphor: The Godfather 2007-08-23 14:37:00 This is a metaphor I use from time to time with certain male clients, involving Don Corleone, the mafia boss in the "Godfather
" movies. Sometimes in my work with couples I will come across a man who yells a lot when he's upset with his partner. I'm no fan of couples who do lots of screaming at each other because not only does it do nothing to resolve the basis of their disagreement but it inevitably escalates the intensity of the argument until somebody storms off or says something they later regret. I worked with a couple recently where the guy did this a lot, which was really turning me off to him. Finally I had the inspiration to ask him if had ever watched the "Godfather" movies. It turns out he enjoyed them very much, considering the first two to be classics of American cinema. I pointed out that in those movies nobody with real power ever yelled. Both the character of Don Vito Corleone (Marlon Brando) and his son Michael (Al Pacino) were men of immense power, who held liv Read more:Metaphor
Therapeutic Metaphor: Titanic 2007-08-21 21:21:00 Here's another in my on-going series of therapeutic metaphors that I occasionally use in my counseling practice. I often come across situations in which a person demonstrates many fine and admirable attributes while also possessing one tragic flaw that outweighs all of his or her positive qualities. For instance, a woman may be enthralled by a man who is a hard worker, funny, exciting and romantic, but if he occasionally gets drunk and violent this negative feature can quickly negate all of those positive qualities. In pointing this out I might remark that the Titanic
was an absolutely wonderful ship except for one problem....the hole under the surface that sunk it. We all have character flaws, and it's generally best when they are visible to ourselves and others so that they can be recognized and dealt with openly. But certain issues are so hard for some people to face that they are kept hidden "below the waterline" where they go unnoticed until the damage that has been done is Read more:Metaphor
Wisdom Quote #1 2007-08-27 18:30:00 (This is the first in a series of short commentaries on various quotes I've gathered over the years that have inspired and guided me with their wisdom and guidance during life's inevitably difficult or confusing times.)"Everywhere I go I find a poet has been there before me."--Sigmund FreudThis quote reminds me that the great and pressing issues of our personal struggles contain mythical and poetic dimensions that link us to all that is noble and resonant in life. That doesn't mean that nobility and resonance is evident in everything we do (far from it!) but that a path or connection exists that can lead us there.I often think of how the twists, roadblocks and revelations of our lives weave together to form for each of us our uniquehero's journey. I like to think that this must be true, for the alternative is for life to be merely soap opera or situation comedy, essentially meaningless and imminently forgettable.I think it's fitting to end this post with one of my favorite poems: Read more:Wisdom
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Wisdom Quote: No Straight Line 2007-08-30 22:48:00 It's never a straight line.-Geri LarkinWe think the shortest path between two points is a straight line. While this may be true in physics it is seldom the case in personal growth. You don't go from your starting point to your destination without detours, obstacles, curves, roadblocks, false starts, setbacks and other barriers to your goal. That's just how a hero's journey unfolds (and in case you've forgotten or have never been told, that's what your life is about). A straight line makes for a boring story, and you are a lot more interesting than that. Don't get discouraged just because you struggle and fall off the mark. That's not a sign that you are failing as much as it is an indication that you are learning what it takes to truly live your life differently. Remember, "do what you did to get what you got." The things you need to do differently may be simple, but that doesn't mean they're easy. Remember the quip about the dog walking on its hind legs: the remarkab Read more:Wisdom
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Wisdom Quote: Breakdown 2007-08-29 23:06:00 (This is another in an emerging series of commentaries about quotes I've found useful in my therapy practice as well as in my own life.)"Sometimes a breakdown may actually be a breakthrough".--AnonymousThis quote recognizes that there comes a time when something must fall apart before something healthier can arise in its place. Too often, when people don't fall apart they just keep on kind of wobbling forward, making more noise than progress in their life's journey. It's when the old way crumbles that a new and fundamentally healthier direction forward often presents itself. As the poet Rumi wisely held, "Many demolitions are actually renovations." It's often good to hold on, but at times it's better to just let go. Just remember during these important juncture points in your life to find someone you can trust to help guide you. Read more:Wisdom
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Sanity Equals Limits and Boundaries 2007-09-24 07:25:00 I heard someone say "sanity equals limits and boundaries" many years ago and the concept has stuck with me ever since. There are a lot of useful ways to apply this philosophy to daily life.To clarify, I use the word "limits" to apply to the self and "boundaries" to apply to others. For example, if I set a time to go to bed at night so that I don't stay up too late, that's a limit. If my family doesn't answer the telephone during dinner, that's boundary. Limits
help us define our own behavior while boundaries are a reaction to the behavior of others. In short, your boundary is where others end and you begin, while your limit is where you stop yourself. One is measured outwardly and the other internally.How is it true that "sanity equals limits and boundaries"? If the opposite of "sanity" is "insanity" or, more generically poor mental or emotional health, then think of any psychiatric or emotional disturbance. Depression is sadness without limits, psychosis is fantasy withou Read more:Sanity
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All Goodbyes Are Hellos 2007-09-18 21:50:00 There was a popular book that came out about 20 years ago called Necessary Losses, written by Judith Viorst (who also wrote several children's books such as the classic Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day!) It did a nice job of describing many of the inevitable losses we all face in our lives, starting with the realization that we aren't inseparable from Mommy (by the way, I read once that the most powerful subliminal sentence to induce a state of tranquility is "Mommy and I are one")all the way through to the end of our own health and eventually life itself. Since the human experience is so filled with loss, how we handle ourselves during these times is very important.I've often held that you can't have less of something without having more of something else. Being less self-centered is to be more giving, less anxious is more serene, and so on. Taken to the fullest extent, every loss we experience is also the start of something new. I'm not trying to m
Wisdom Quote: Sit And Be Taught 2007-09-15 07:53:00 The secret is to learn to sit at the feet of your life and be taught. --Polly BerrienAre you willing to continually learn and grow? If so, you will find important and imminently useful lessons all around you, even in the most mundane things. Virtues such as gratitude, patience, compassion and wisdom develop when we are willing to learn about ourselves at any moment and from any source. It's neither possible nor necessary to always be learning some big life lesson. A more realistic goal is to just get better at noticing what you can about yourself as you go about your day. Sometimes it's all you can do to go with the flow (a lesson in and of itself) while at other times you can wake up to the many precious teachings surrounding us like fruit on the vine.Here are some related quotes about learning that I find helpful:Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment. -- Rumi It's hard to be teachable when you think you know it all. Although you've been around the block a few times t Read more:Wisdom
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The Truth About Ultimatums 2007-09-12 07:44:00 I worked with a client yesterday who reported that her partner "gave me an ultimatum" to stop acting in a certain way. She asked for my advice and this gave us an opportunity to discuss the nature of ultimatums. Although an ultimatum may seem on the surface to set a limit on the person receiving it, it actually only does so for the person who issues it. It is like a contract signed by only one person. I can't just decide that you are going to buy a car from me: you have to agree to the terms and conditions of the contract. It's the same with an ultimatum: another person can't unilaterally decide what you must do, only what the nature of their response.So an ultimatum does not bind the person who receives, only the one who gives it. It is that person's credibility that is being called to task, not the behavior of the the person to whom it is directed. Ultimatums are often an attempt to exercise power over another person, which is fundamentally futile past a certain point. Th Read more:Truth
Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages 2007-09-10 19:26:00 Just as I did in my post about John Gray's concept of the "Love Letter", I want to give direct credit to Gary Chapman
for coming up with the concept of the "Five Love Languages
". This is one of those simple ideas that caused me to say when I read it, "Of course! I knew that, I just never knew that I knew that!" So often the best advice seems profoundly simple once somebody has the clarity of vision to initially formulate it. I've often summarized the concepts of the five love languages to couples in my therapy practice. It has been my experience that understanding these simple concepts can help people to improve the quality of their communication and the sense of closeness they feel in their relationship.According to Chapman, there are essentially five ways we demonstrate love for another person. Each of us has a preference for the types of languages we most value, and couples often get in trouble when they try to communicate through different languages to each other, leaving th
Wisdom Quote: Into The Unknown 2007-09-07 23:07:00 Man can learn nothing except by going from the known to the unknown. --Claude BernardThe known, no matter how vast, is finite. There is a limit to what any of us can know. The unknown, on the other hand, is potentially infinite. None of us can ever "know it all", regardless of how wise or experienced we are. Therefore the category of teh "known" will always be smaller than the category of the "unknown." The source of true learning derives from the unknown.Why do we stay so committed to what we know? One answer lies in the old parable of the man looking for a lost jewel under a lamp post and after searching with his friend all night he says "maybe it's time to look in the dark field where I lost it." When asked by his angry friends why they hadn't been looking there all along he replied, "because the light is better over here." We often don't want to leave the comfort of what we already know to search for the real jewel.As a therapist I have spent years learning how to trav Read more:Wisdom
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Wisdom Quote: Into The Unknown 2007-09-07 23:07:00 Man can learn nothing except by going from the known to the unknown. --Claude BernardThe known, no matter how vast, is finite. There is a limit to what any of us can know. The unknown, on the other hand, is potentially infinite. None of us can ever "know it all", regardless of how wise or experienced we are. Therefore the "known" will always be a smaller category than the the "unknown." The source of all learning derives from the unknown.Why are we so committed to sticking to what we know? One answer lies in the old parable of the man looking for a lost jewel under a lamp post and after searching with his friends all night he says "maybe it's time to look in the dark field where I lost it." When asked by his angry friends why they hadn't been looking there all along he replied, "because the light is better over here." We often don't want to leave the comfort of what we already know to search for the real jewel.As a therapist I have spent years learning how to travel into t Read more:Wisdom
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John Gray's Love Letter Technique 2007-09-06 21:08:00 I wanted to put John Grey's name in the title to give respect and credit where it's due. Gray is the guy who wrote all the "Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus" books that were so popular a few years ago. He helped a lot of people and made a lot of money doing it, which seems like a mighty fine combination to me. One of the concepts that has stayed with me over the years and which I recommend to clients from time to time is his version of the "Love Letter
". I find it to be a very effective way to communicate effectively when emotionally difficult topics, situations or people make verbal communication tense and ineffective.Grey's "love letter" technique has five stages. 1. Anger: The start of the letter is where the writer communicates his or her feelings of anger, resentment and blame at the other person. It basically involves variations of the sentiment "I don't like it when you....."2. Hurt and sadness: In the second section of the letter, the writer describes any feeli Read more:Love Letter
Wisdom Quote: Stories, Not Atoms 2007-09-04 20:31:00 The universe is made of stories -- not atoms. --Muriel RuykeyserThis lovely quote reminds me that it is ultimately meaning that holds the world together, not just inert matter. What objectively "exists" around us inevitably fits into a narrative each of us concocts to help make sense of it all.This is in no way an argument that objective reality is somehow meaningless. A bird is not going to be a fish no matter how persuasively I try to make it so. But for the most part we have a lot of leeway in how we make sense of our lives. And what we hold to be true says a lot about ourselves. As Anais Nin famously said, "we don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." View a simple painting of a flower by Rembrandt, Picasso, Van Gogh and Cezanne and each will appear clearly different in style. So which is the "true" flower? You could just as well say none of them as all of them. Each perspective reveals a particular aspect of the essence of a flower.So it is with the perspe Read more:Wisdom
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Do Something Different 2007-09-02 23:13:00 The advice I'm about to give is likely to seem so simple as to be easily passed over. However, just because something is simple doesn't mean that it's easy, and what I'm about to say can go a long way in helping you to overcome virtually any personal issue that is negatively impacting your life.The advice is simply this: do something different. If you normally zig, then zag in some way. For the truth is that you are more predictable than you likely realize.There's an old aphorism I've used on many occasions that says "do what you did to get what you got." In other words, your choices have helped to determine the direction of your life to this point. To chart a new course from this point forward it's crucial to change the decisions or actions you tend to make. The good news is that it almost doesn't matter what that change is. Just about anything will do, as long as it is different. And it doesn't have to be anything particularly earth-shattering: it's sufficient enoug
Bell Curve Blues 2007-09-28 07:20:00 Almost everything is really good at something. Through a combination of natural ability and practice some people become very proficient at certain activities or tasks. A few people are just flat-out gifted at attributes like intelligence or creativity. I've found that such individuals sometimes are not very graceful when dealing with the limitations of others. In such situations I try to introduce to them a concept that I call the "Bell CurveBlues
".In case you don't remember, a bell curve is simply a measure of how probability is distributed. For any attribute most people are clumped in the middle of the bell, while progressively fewer and fewer are further away from the norm. It's not just that most people are of average intelligence. Most people are of average everything: that's what average means.If you are at the 85th percentile of a skill or ability, by definition that means that out of 100 people only 14 will be at or above your level. 95th percentile? Only 4 people
Do The Next Right Thing 2007-09-26 18:09:00 "Do the next right thing" is an excellent piece of advice for dealing with confusing or complex situations you face in your life. It is often used in 12-step groups but its usefulness extends far beyond people who are working to overcome addictive behavior.At its heart it is a deceptively simple piece of advice. At any point in time you may have a lot of possible things to do next. At the same time, there are often a lot of right things that you are capable of doing. But there is usually a much smaller subset of choices at the intersection where all those "next" things and the "right" things meet. Sometimes when I explain this concept to someone for the first time I hold my hands in front of them and wave all ten of my fingers to represent the various options available to a person. I then turn my hands 90 degrees, which lines up all my fingers in a perpendicular row so that the person can only see one of them -- the rest exist, of course, but they are lined up behind the first vi Read more:Right
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