Owner: Little Lost Ghost's URL:http://littlelostghost.blogspot.com Join Date: Fri, 06 Oct 2006 06:09:22 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: Politic, Gender, Mental-health and Cats.
Dealing with transgender/transsexual issues. Mental health problems such as bipolar and depression as well as the life of a 29 year old slightly crazy transsexual. Site statistics:Click here
Nighttime 2006-10-18 19:58:00 I'm becomming nocturnal. I diddnt go bed properly until half past five this morning. I sleep a little during the night as I fall asleep with my lecturers (as Ruth says). I love the teaching company courses but it messes with my sleeping patterns as the listen-to-just-one-more effect means that never go properly to bed :)
I wonder what I will listen to next.
Medieval Europe Crisis and renewal?Something about the Incas?An audio book of Gibbon's Decline and Fall
...The choice is so exciting
Knees 2006-10-17 22:08:00 Perfectly encapsulating what it is like to be a cat's human this is supremely wonderful.
Hospital was terrible today . Mum is so depressed. She is in pain and can barelt walk. She believes that she "is on her way out". I wish that she would start getting better I cant cope with this pressure.
Holby City had me weaping like a baby tonight. Elliots wife went to switzerland to kill herself. Cry, cry, cry. I just wanted to call Ruth and tell her how helplessly and hopelessly sorry I am for all that I put her through when i was bad.
I've had loads of kitten cuddles today :) Read more:Knees
Tredegar 2006-10-15 23:12:00 Weel, mum has been movel from Navill Hall in Abergavenny to Tredegar general hospital.
She hates it. It was distressing to she her today. She admitted to feeling depressed, she was shaking and she was cold. It is a longer stay ward than the one in abergavenny, consequently it was less well staffed and thus quieter, filled fill old people. She was bored and unwell. I things get better soon.
I've developed the oddest sleeping pattern, awake for four or five hours then asleep for two or three.
I passed a billboard advert for cadbury's chocolate on the way to hospital - I became consumed by a need for chocolate - Which I satisfied :)
Since moving properly to 4mg of risperidone I have been wonderfully stable. No hallucinations, no crazy mooods, no real depression and little anxiety. If I can now cope with all the stresses I am under I should be well enough to being rebulding my life after christmas.
Wish you were here 2006-10-12 22:03:00 I saw the GP again today. Thursdays have a system of no-appointments, first come first served. The wait was interminable and the room crowded with people that were sick and people that were children. Though shorter than last week, we talked about my situation and about my mother's. I am feeling better than I was, sedated and with the whif of zombie, but better. The sacrifice of my alertness and faculties is wort it. I am so afraid of becomming 'mad' again.
It seems that I might have enough money for curry tomorrow !!! Yay !!!
Ruth and I spent ages on the phone together last night. I so love talking to her. She was feeling upset and confused by the history of her relationship with Julia. I doubt that I invoke the kind of passionate emotions in Ruth that she still does, but then I never treated her as cruelly. Treat them mean as they (bastards) say...
I am so terribly lonely. I really want to spend time with someone, preferably Ruth, but any kind of company would be plesant to
As I said to my cat... 2006-10-09 22:26:00 A nice cup of tea...that will solve all of the problems.
and indeed it has. I do love a cup of tea :)
Dispatches 2006-10-09 22:18:00 Tonights Dispatches
programme was wonderful. It secretly filmed life on some of britains psychiatric wards.
I am so lucky to be alive and cant believe the gamble that the people in hospital were willing to take with my life - The programme shows that such disregard and cynicism for self harming patients is actually typical.
As far as I could tell the most unrepresentative aspect of the programme was that they sometimes showed patients without a cup of tea and cigarette in their hands.
Side Effects 2006-10-07 20:42:00 I'm feeling quite sedated by the new dose of risperidone which is just one of the side effects of my crazy meds that have turned me into...
a sweating, farting, drooling, sleeping, quivering, burping, food monster.
:P Read more:Effects
, Side Effects
Suicide Watch 2006-10-06 23:36:00 'Neglect' factor in patient death
This happened at a ward in Brecon - which is near to where I live, I went to college there.
Apart from what amounted to a few days, I never felt as 'protected' as I wanted to be when I was in hosptial - I wanted to be somewhere where, no-matter what, I would be physically unable to hurt or kill myself. Hospital diddnt give me that. Certainly I would have died if I had not been there but I was at such high risk I should have been better protected.
It wasnt just me, all of the patients (except for one girl that wanted to have sex with everone) were left alone.
They seemed to regard lust as a being a bigger problem than patients seriously hurting themselves.
This one of the most emotionally trying posts that I've written here. I want to be fair, several of the staff were extremely lovely and, as I said, I would have died if I haddnt been there. But the ones in charge of my care wer so unfathomably cruel, hostile, incompetent and neglectful that th Read more:Suicide
Day of Doctors 2006-10-05 21:56:00 My visit to the GP's this morning was very helpfull. We long talk about how have been doing and about the condition of my mother. She has upped me to 4mg of risperidone and will write my psychiatrists a letter to try and get them to see me sooner. I felt relived and happy after visting her, though a little suprised that she talked about incerreasing me to 6mg over the next few weeks (if I dont improve). I sure that I wont need to go that high a stable 4 (maybe 5) mg should be all that I need.
Mum is doped up on tramadol (an opioid painkiller) and diazepam - so she is finally and unsurprisingly, feeling much better (but physically improves only slowly)
Iy was raining heavily and Lutja wanted to go outside. The last time I had showed her rain she wanted nothing to do with it and kept a safetly indoors. Remembering this I had the smashing idea "Why not open the door for her" she immediatly scarpered gleefuly outside and began climbing trees digging through leaves and prancing through t Read more:Doctors
On Firmer Ground 2006-10-03 20:36:00 I'm more stab le today. I'm taking an extra risperidone pill (now up to 4mg) and the statues have stopped talking. I was, for the first time in months, feeling properly, dangerously, suicidal this morning - Its such an horrific feeling.
I visted mum, she is stable. Its hard to tell how she is really doing though because she is suffering from achohol withdrawl (which she refused to even admit to).
Had a lovely, long chat with Ruth - Found out that she is scared of this blog's description of her as a strap-on-weilding sex deamon lol :)
Good or Bad 2006-10-02 17:11:00 My goddess, Athena has just been talking to me. I'm atheist but I used to worship her as a child. We have a small marble statue of her in the living room. Its very probably a bad sign for my mental health that she is talking to me. But its good that she is talling me good things, that she has made me feel much calmer. I was runningand dancing about the house in tears when I heard her. I was in the kitchen and I could hear her calling out "Helen" as clearly and beautifully as if she were truly real and not (as is probably the case) another hallucination.
I am glad that she is there for me though. I love my goddess.
A Day of Rest 2006-10-01 22:57:00 I diddn't have to go the the hospital to see mother today and I think that the rest has done me some good. I diddnt even get out of bed until 4pm :)I've been listening to a wonderful series of lectures on the CrusadeshereI took some pictures of my boobs today. They are quite big :). I still makes me smile with glee to know that "I have breasts" :)I'll think that I will post them in a few days.
I love my Lutja 2006-09-30 00:10:00
Its so wonderful to have a cat. My buttercup princess. She is full to the brim with love.
Coping 2006-09-29 23:39:00 I feel under tremendous pressure and I can sense myself buckling under it. Even though mother is doing well I am still terribly stressed. Worry for my mother is a big part of it, how am I to cope when she leaves hospital? How I am supposed to stop her drinking when she gets out? I can just imagine the arguments and fear - if she carries on drinking she will die. Travel is stressful to me and with stress comes psychotic symptoms. I have not been able to make it to abergavenny(my nearest sizable town) on my own since leaving hospital, now I have to go there every day and its battering me.
I dont think I'm in any danger of hurting myself but the confusion, agitation and paranoia are destrying my psyche - much more of this and I could become a risk.
I've been hearing voices as well.
I wish my brother was in england. I wish that I had been able to speak to Ruth properly. I feel so lonely, that I have no-one to help me through this.
I think that I will increase my dose of risperidone Read more:Coping
Hospital Update 2006-09-29 12:56:00 Well she is very unwell, but she is not about to die (which is what I was fearing)I was so scared and only an inch away losing my mind... The only reason that I diddnt take myself down to A&E is because there was no-one to look after my Lutja. Fourtunatly the news was good. Read more:Update
Mother In Hospital 2006-09-27 17:52:00 She has been very unwell for the past week, constant pain, unable to walk or eat and horrendous vomiting. Today she finally wen t to the GP who (almost immediatly unpon seeing her) arranged for her to go to the hospital.
Its very worrying. Her abdomen has become enormously swolen - which must alsmot certainly mean that her internal organs are swollen, which means that it is because of her three litres of gin a week alcohol addition.
I hope she will be ok.
Pictures of a Psychiatric Ward 2006-09-26 17:00:00 Here are a couple of photos I took when I was in hospital.
a My Bedroom (notice that I had managed to make it messy)
The big, long corridor that I was always walking up and down
The smoking room. This is where I and everyone else spent all our time
The dining room
I do intend to write about my experiences on Burbage ward. I just want to wait until I have had more practice writing this blog so that I can do them justice. I dont feel confident enough in myself as a writer at the moment.
Read more:Pictures
I Love History 2006-09-25 18:17:00 I do, I so do.The world of human achievement and failure is exciting, inspiring, terrifying and moving.There is little as wonderful as snuggling into bed at night to read or listen to the stories of human progress.What other type of bed-time reading could educate and enlighten you with a tale of a husband, angry with his wife for usurping the thone and exiling him, dismembering their child and posting the pieces back to her as a birthday gift ?For lectures :http://www.teach12.com/storex/courses.aspx?splt=3&t=&sl=&s=911&sbj=History
%20%2D%20Ancient%20and%20Medieval&fMode=sor (if you are feeling naughty) http://www.mininova.org/ and search for "ttc"For books :http://www.gutenberg.org/So much knowledge and so very little time.
Swinging In All Directions 2006-09-25 16:17:00 I am bisexual its the one part of my identity that is unquestioned and with which I am comfortable.
Foremost amung my 'issues' is the question of just what sex I am. I am not a man, I can profess that boldly for it is my right to deny manhood. Quietly (and to myself) I would claim that I am female but this is a bold assertion and one so at odds with my psycical apperance that only amung people I implicitly trust that I would claim it.
It might therefore be astonishingly difficult for me to claim an identity for my sexual identity. I am obviously not heterosexual, nor am I gay or lesbian. No, I am bissexual. except that, and this is a difficult confession, I actually only fancy men a little bit. Thankfully, that little bit refers to rampant bedroom action but for company and for relationships men (even gay men) are pretty much out of the question. So am I really, truly bi or am I just sexually adventurerous? Or do I just want, occasionally, to be thrown onto the bed and fucked u Read more:Swinging
, Directions
A Transsexual (Sexual) Relationship 2006-09-24 15:37:00 "What do you do in bed?" The question is never put quite as indelicatly that but its something that friends, nurses and doctors all ask. What they want to know, what they are really asking is is whether we had traditional boy/girl sex and how can I be a transsexual if we do.The answer (always) surprises them and they hardly ever understand it unsless I spell it out graphically for them "Nothing involving *my* bits". Until the nineties being in a relationship with a woman would disqualify a male to female transsexual from receiving treatment. There is still some of this prejudice in society. I was not the only one to encounter it either. Ruth, who is a lesbian, had her identity questioned by others (and herself) because of her relationship with me.Sex though, whilst technically possible, was difficult. We were occasionaly adventurous trying role play, gadgetry and a little bit of s&m. We learned quite well to navigate each others insecurites and fears. Its a sadness that we never ha Read more:Sexual
, Relationship
Sunday are dull 2006-09-24 14:54:00 Had a call from Ruth last night :) She was really upset :( Her friends wernt being terribly friendly and she had drunk more than she wanted to. I like when she calls in the middle of the night, it means that I am still important to her, that when she is drunk or upset she turns to me, it means that I still matter to her.
When you are employed the interminable tedium of sunday is something precious and, in fact, far too short in duration. When you are unempoyed however sunday is the day when I want to take a dozen sleeping pills so that I might sleep until monday, when (for some reason) the days are more interesting. The entire weekend is like an unemployed sunday when you are in hospital. Read more:Sunday
Lutja !!! 2006-09-23 18:32:00
pronounced : lute-ya (its a Russian type name :)
Getting Stronger. 2006-09-23 18:21:00 Its was for so long that the tragectory of my life was towards sucide that It shocking and wonderful for me to be moving away from death. Each week, each month I am a little better than I was the month before. To be in recovery is incredible to me, so unbelievable is it that contemplating my progress produces the same sense of unreality that I experienced when I considered the (literal kind of) Demons that were surrounding and torturing me during my madness.
Its good though. It makes me smile.
A Pharmacy of Pills 2006-09-23 18:07:00 Pills are important to me. I'm taking lots and lots of them after all. I am taking girl pills and crazy pills.
Girl Pills: Ovysmen; Androcur;
Crazy Pills: Risperidone; Citalopram; Zopiclone
I've also, in the past, taken the crazy pills prozac, reboxotine and valium
So it seems ironic to to be, buried as I am beneath them, that one of my bitterest regrets is how difficult it has been to get pills out of doctors.
If I had been given hormones when I first asked for them I would not have ended up as I have. If I had been given anti-psychotics when I asked I would have been able to rebuild my life in sheffield and probably rebuilt my relationship with Ruth. I knew that I needed risperidone and if I had not experienced such difficulties in getting my hormones I would have probably believed that the doctors wwould have helped me and so found help for my problems before it reached the point of suicide attempts, mental hospital and Read more:Pharmacy
Interregnum 2006-09-23 00:24:00 This is a little post to fill in the blanks between then and now...
Lost my joblost my Ruthlost my sanitylost my catslost my home
Left the mental hospitalliving at mumsfound my new baby kitten, lutja :)
Ruth suggested that I blog again, without worrying about how it might upset her. I'm feeling a little reckless so I shall try.
A little better 2005-05-11 22:24:00 Not feeling quite so stupefyingly depressed at the moment. Its tricky to write in this blog when all I would really have to say would be another long misery spool :).
I had to visit some clients last week. Discovered that I can get claustraphobic as well being a never-leave-the-house agraphobe lol
R and I seem to be better
- although she is out with
him
again.
My state at the moment must(is) stressing her. She has these new work friends. Friends that I just cant stomach going out with (a bunch of blokes). I cant seem to go out without her... I become all weird and isolated :) Read more:little
Transcribed 2005-05-01 22:56:00 I haven't posted for a while - nothing has really been happening with me.
R is out with James again tonight, just as she was last night and the night before that. They are going to go on holiday to the pyrenees in a few months...
is it really 2+2=5 to think that this relationship is over, that she is just waiting for me to do the breaking up?
Which I wont do.
I sent myself a text last night (which is something I do quite often) Why bother waiting for her to leave before I die. A few little cuts, but no good explanation. Although I know how afraid I am to die. Delay, avoid ignore - fear, usually my reason for everything; is perhaps the only real explanation for my decision to wait.
I can still make it to my office at work and quickly through the supermarket but other than that I haven't been able to leave the house for weeks. Its so ridiculous, ludicrous I'm ashamed of it. I a m so disgusting I cannot bear for people to see me in boy-mode, I am so sickeningly disgust
Personality 2005-04-17 22:28:00
INTP - "Architect". Greatest precision in thought and language. Can readily discern contradictions and inconsistencies. The world exists primarily to be understood. 3.3% of total population.
Free Jung Personality
Test (similar to Myers-Briggs)
All over for me 2005-04-17 21:06:00 R's lesbian films always have the most terrible effect on me. Its complicated. They always make me feel dead inside, all hopeless and lonely.
I think its that it reminds me of how outside the world I feel. That I seems to lack a people, a group to belong. It cuts me to watch others finding theirs. Jealousy :)
Alive... or dead it would be better to be that way.
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