Owner: Improving Relationships URL:http://improvingrelationships.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Sat, 28 Jul 2007 17:18:19 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Bridge Counseling Improving Relationships Blog. We offer thoughts, ponderings, advice and ideas for improving your relationships, including your relationship with your self - to help you bridge the gap from where you are to where you want to be. Site statistics:Click here
Marriage: Finding the Perfect Gift 2007-07-28 13:28:00 Marriage: Finding the Perfect
GiftIn your marriage you have many opportunities to give gifts—birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, Valentines, Easter, and just because. At times it can be a struggle to find that perfect gift. The one that will make you partner light up; one that s/he will treasure for years to come. Chances are that, you already know what it is that you could give to your partner. If you took some time to quietly consider, you could come up with the perfect gift. We all have deep-set needs to be understood, appreciated and loved. Putting effort into choosing a “perfect” gift helps to meet some of those needs for our partner.It is not that the gift itself is perfect, but rather the gift is perfect for our partner. Knowing that our partner understand and appreciates us is very satisfying. Getting a gift that is just what we want or need shows that our partner notices and cares. When our partner pays attention to what we like, want and need and makes an effort to giv
Relationship Garage 2007-07-28 12:26:00 Relationship Garage
Relationships are not like cabs in New York, another doesn’t come along every two minutes. At least, not ones that are worth anything. So it makes sense to pay attention to the one you have.Often when we decide to get married we feel ours is a match made in heaven and that this is the person we wish to spend eternity with. But as the years go by we may find we have taken our relationship for granted. We’ve let the chrome become dull, we haven’t been careful and we notice that the paint is chipped and there are a few dings and maybe even a few major dints in the body. The oil hasn’t been changed often enough and the spark plugs have become fouled with the gunk of everyday life. It seems to be running okay but, on cold days it sputters and sometimes it backfires. There are times when it won’t even start, perhaps the battery is weak or the fuel is dirty.Cars require regular maintenance to run properly and efficiently, and so do relationships. We’ll spend tho Read more:Relationship
The Bedroom Rule 2007-07-18 21:17:00 The Bedroom
RulesIn any relationship you develop special and favorite places, and for some, a favorite place is the bedroom. Therefore, it is important to practice some simple courtesies in the bedroom. Even The Economic Times recognized this truism when they mentioned, “lovers' bedrooms have their own dos and don’ts. And since it's possibly the most important 'space' for a relationship, if one or other of you doesn't play by the rules, it can be very hurtful and damaging to the relationship. It is indeed difficult to define rules for what goes on in the bedroom.” The rules or just bedroom etiquette are not universal; they are unique to the couple involved.That said, there are a few things that fit every situation we will discuss here. These bedroom manners fall into two categories; the first involves the bedroom itself—the actual physical space, and second involves what goes on in that space.Starting with the easiest to define and discuss we will talk about the bedroom it
Want to be "In Love"? 2007-07-18 21:08:00 Want to be "In Love"?Do you long to feel very much in love? Do you ever look at your partner and wonder where the magic went? Many people have the mistaken idea that loving feelings come first and that loving actions follow. It sometimes seems as if that is what happens in the beginning of a relationship—you fall in love and then you act in loving ways. However even in the beginning it is the choice to smile, flirt and do nice things for each other that leads to and fans those loving feelings. If you want to stay in love then you need to continue to choose to behave in loving ways. When you first met and were getting to know one another and nurturing your budding relationship, you probably went out of your way to be considerate and kind. You found creative ways to show that you cared. You found ways to surprise and give gifts to each other. Over time some of that effort may have waned. Chances are that, right now, you know what it is that you could give to your partner—that somethi
Love Changes Everything 2007-06-26 09:22:00 Love Changes Everything
Relationships are vulnerable to outside influences, like pressure from family and friends, from job stresses and a myriad other things life can throw at a person. These stresses are normal and sometimes difficult to handle. Yet, they can be dealt with in a successful manner when both are on the same page. When each partner loves and wants the best for the other and supports them as a matter of fact, then dealing these issues can actually strengthen the relationship. With patience and perseverance couples can help each other deal with their respective worlds outside the relationship.It is when the relationship suffers a blow from within that causes the biggest problem. Some of these issues might be an over-controlling spouse, an absent husband, passive aggressive behaviors, jealousy, mistrust, untrustworthy behavior, belittling and whatever else people bring to a relationship that is destructive. Resolving these issues is not easy as the issues are not usually bla
Selfishness Destroys Relationships 2007-06-26 09:07:00 Selfishness Destroys Relationships
Selfishness is a destructive force in any relationship, but more so in marriage because of the increased amount of time spent together. Things that you may be understanding or tolerant about with a friend or acquaintance may be unbearable when you have to live with them day after day. We all need to stop and consider in what ways we may be acting selfishly in our relationship. It is often easier to see how our partner is being selfish and can be tempting to point out to them their follies. But since it is so true that the only person we can change is our self, we need to begin and end with striving to improve our self. We can make conscious choices to be kind, considerate, and thoughtful—rregardless of the behavior of our partner. We can look for ways to be loving in our relationship. As we focus on being more loving and selfless; giving gifts of love unconditionally to our partner, we will soon find these gifts returning to us.This does not mean tha Read more:Selfishness
In This Corner: Learn to Fight Fair 2007-06-08 13:34:00 In This Corner: Learn to Fight FairIn every relationship there are ups and downs. The secret is to have more ups than downs and to have ups that are higher than the downs are deep. Anyway, disagreements don't mean that there are major problems. It just means that you are both alive.The secret about dealing with disagreements is to not allow them to escalate into full-scale battles. And that means that you have to know how to fight fair. Now if that isn't an oxymoron nothing is. But it is true. Just like for the world's armies in times of war, there has to be rules of engagement. These are the guidelines that keep each other safe. We need that because we know that there will be disagreements, in fact there will be fights, so we need to be prepared for those times.Knowing that we are going to get into fights now and again lets us get ready. When things are going real good at the beginning of the relationship is the time to prepare for those eventual disagreements and squabbles. Now is
Resentment Reduces Sex Drive 2007-06-02 08:25:00 Resentment Reduces Sex DriveIf you find that you sex drive has diminished noticeably, you may want to check your mood barometer. Check to see if you have residual resentment carried over from previous experiences. Check for hidden anger or frustration with your lover.Have you smiled and said, “That’s okay.” when it wasn’t okay at all. Are you keeping a mental tally of offences?Allowing resentment to build in your relationship is going to adversely affect your sex life. Each resentment takes energy to maintain. This is energy that is not available to invigorate your life, your relationship or the bedroom. Harboring resentment is very draining, it can literally suck the fun right out of your sex life.Ask yourself, “Am I angry with my lover today?” “Are there hurts or resentments from our past that still carry some pain?” You may want to write out the items on your “s/he was such a jerk” list. If there is something on that list that needs to be dealt with, then make a
Who and When to Marry: Major Decisions 2007-05-22 15:51:00 Who and When to Marry
: MajorDecisions
Deciding who and when and if you marry are some of the most important decisions that you will make in your life. Making good decisions requires two things. First, a cool head. Good deicisions are based on information and experience. The more you know about each other and the greater variety of experiences you share the better your pool of information to draw on. Spend time together in various situations (not just the typical dating situations). Watch how your partner deals with stress, get to know their family and watch their interactions with their family. Taking time to really get to know each other, will eliminate the complaint that he/she changed as soon as we were married. Second, a warm heart. Pay attention to what your heart is telling you. If you have a bad or apprehensive feeling, then perhaps you need to slow down and pay attention. In marriage, as in life, it is important to be true to yourself. Don't pretend to be someone or something
Make Plans, Not Mistakes 2007-05-14 15:31:00 Make Plans, Not MistakesIn any relationship there needs to be a vision, a place where you want the relationship to be. In business this is called a mission statement, in travelling this is called a road map. If there is no destination then there is no knowing when you arrive.The vision that you glorify in your mind, the ideal that you enthrone in your heart - this you will build your life by, and this you will become." James Lane AllenA vision of what you would like your relationship to be is important because if you don't know and are confused by what an ideal relationship is that is what your subconscious mind will attempt to produce for you. As you engage each other in life, if there is no clearly defined vision then there are no clearly defined expectations. Expectations are important in a relationship because people instinctively try to live up to expectations, especially those held by the significant people in their lives.All have heard the truism, if you fail to plan you plan t
Weight Loss: Unlock the Power Within You 2007-05-11 10:17:00 Weight Loss: Unlock the Power Within YouMany people claim they want to lose weight, but time and time again find that they have sabotaged themselves, often before they even begin. They unaware of the power of their subconscious fears and issues. These unconscious fears are very powerful, but fortunately it is possible to eliminate them with our weight loss system.If underlying belief like losing weight is unsafe, or he/she won't like me anymore; are not resolved, then it does not matter what weight loss method is used, any gains made will be only temporary.If you want to lose weight, chances are this is not the first time you have tried. You may have tried different methods, some of which may led to weight loss, only to watch the weight creep back on each time.It is time to ask, “What is really going on here?” The answer lies in your subconscious mind. That part of you that, for whatever reason, sees you as a fat person. That part of you that is comfortable being overweight. That Read more:Weight
, Weight Loss
Honesty Essential for Trust 2007-05-05 16:16:00 Honesty Essential
for TrustIn relationships truth counts. Be honest with your partner about your thoughts, opinions and feelings. Especially your feelings. Being honest however, is not an excuse to say mean, demeaning or rude things to or about your partner.Honesty is the foundation of trust. Trust is the mortar of the relationship. Dishonesty chips away at the mortar and will, if continued, destroy the relationship."You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. " Frank CraneBe honest with youself and with your partner and trust that this honesty will help your relationship to flourish.Improving Relationships Blog Read more:Honesty
Clean Sweep Your Emotional Clutter 2007-05-03 13:28:00 Clean Sweep
Your Emotional
ClutterEmotional clutter is one of the things that puts stress on a relationship. Emotional clutter accumulates when we collect and hang on to resentment and disappointment. As our emotional clutter expands it can become more and more difficult to see the positive aspects of our relationship.It is important to deal with and resolve present issues, rather than stuffing negative feelings away. Unresolved negative feelings can contribute to more than relationship problems. They can also impact our health, resulting in illness, ongoing weight problems and a decreased ability to cope with life stresses.Starting today, be true to yourself. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't agree to do something you do not feel good about doing. When you feel resentment or disappointment, if possible share how you are feeling and resolve the issue. If that is not possible write your feelings out and resolve the issue within yourself. When you are true to and respect yo Read more:Clean
The Best Gift 2007-04-30 16:48:00 The Best GiftThe greatest gift you can bring to your relationship is a healthy you. In relationships there are two individuals not one identity. In order for the relationship to be a success, both people have to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. If one of the couple has emotional or spiritual issues that they have not dealt with it puts an enormous strain on the relationship. One can be working on improving but if they are in denial then this is trouble.A healthy relationship begins with healthy participants. And a healthy participant begins with knowing who they are. Being able to realize all of the faults, idiosyncrasies and quirks about oneself makes it easier to understand those in ones partner but, more importantly, it helps the individual know where to look for problems if they occur in the relationship. The most important part about knowing oneself is the need to like oneself. To be able to look in the mirror and say: "I like you. I know you're not perfect but I like you
Before You Take Viagra 2007-08-13 14:28:00 Before You Take ViagraImpotence, or the inability to get or maintain an erection long enough to enjoy intercourse, can wreak havoc with your sex life. Reactions to erectile difficulties can range from slight embarrassment to devastation, depending on your confidence in your self and the support you receive from your partner. There are these little blue pills that promise to make the problem go away. Viagra can helpful to men with erectile difficulties if they are informed and it is used as intended. But Viagra is not the answer for everyone. In order to decide if this is the best course for you it is important to understand some basic information.Erectile difficulties become more common with increased age. Only 5% of men at age 40 experience difficulties, compared to 20% of men at age 65. There are a variety of factors that contribute to impotence. These include: Disease or Heath Problems:• Diabetes• Kidney• Multiple sclerosis, • Atherosclerosis, • Vascular disea
Not Tonight Dear, I Have a Headache 2007-08-28 17:08:00 Not Tonight
Dear, I Have a Headache
“Relationship advice be damned, I just want to solve my sex problems!” This is a very common sentiment in our office. Couples don’t really want to talk about their “relationship” they, at least one of them, want to discuss their sex life and the problems therein. This represents a very common misconception, your sex life and your relationship function separately. Not so. Unless there is an organic or physical problem most sexual difficulties within a relationship can be attributed to something amiss in the relationship.This however may not apply to the “difference in desire” issue. Differences in desire are not necessarily due to relationship issues, libido differences are commonplace and fluid. An individual’s libido can and does change over the length of their life. You need to be aware of the stage of life and the stage of your relationship when you are discussing libido differences. When you were first married your sex life was mo
Preparation Strengthens Marriage 2007-08-28 17:01:00 Preparation Strengthens MarriageYou're in love, you can't get enough of each other, and you can't wait to get married so you can spend the rest of your lives together. Why should you be concerned with marriage preparation?If being in love were enough to create a lasting marriage, there would not be a 50% divorce rate? Chances are very few of those couples started their married life with the intention of divorcing a few years down the road.Being well prepared for marriage greatly increases your odds of creating a lasting and satisfying marriage. Marriage preparation, if well done, allows you to get a much clearer picture of what "life together" will mean. It gives you an opportunity to talk, learn and grow together. We are not in any way trying to discourage you from getting married. We simply want you to be well prepared for this major step in your life. Knowledge is power. The more realistic your expectations for marriage, the more satisfied you will feel with your marriage.Often e
Marriage: Keep the Spark from Dying 2007-09-06 14:47:00 Marriage: Keep the Spark from Dying
If you want your marriage to burn clean and strong rather than start to smoke and fizzle and eventually become cold and gray, then there are things that you need to do to feed the flame. No one wants to end up in the middle of a dead relationship. There are things that you can do to prevent this from happening to you.Here are a few suggestions:Treasure loving memoriesKeep a treasure chest of memories actually or figuratively. Save mementoes that remind you of why you love your partner. Take them out periodically to look through and relive those feelings. Treasure up fond memories in your mind. Focusing on the good and great things about your relationship can help you get past the trouble spots that will inevitably come. Make your relationship a priorityRemember that where you spend your time shows what you value. Make the effort to spend quality time together daily, weekly, and yearly. Daily, if possible, you should have some face-to-face, eye to eye,
Applying the Serenity Prayer to Marriage 2007-10-11 15:28:00 Applying the SerenityPrayer
to MarriageThe serenity prayer gives us excellent advice for life. It is a simple prayer, expressing a profound truth. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.”This simple and profound truth, when applied to marriage can eliminate a lot of unnecessary strife and frustration. All too often in our counseling practice we deal with couples who have been married for 5, 10, 20 or more years, who find that they are presently having the same argument that they have been having for years. Still butting heads, with no resolution or satisfaction. What these couples need to realize is that in every marriage there will always be irreconcilable difference—issues upon which you will never agree, no matter how hard you persuade, push, argue or complain—and that this is okay. In these instances you need to agree to disagree and get on with life. As stated in the sereni
Marriage: The Grand Essentials of Happiness 2007-10-03 12:24:00 Marriage: The GrandEssentials
of Happiness"The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." Allan ChalmersWe must realize that life will not always be fantastic. But that is not to say that we can't be happy when life is not so great. Part of that happiness is the security of knowing we are loved. Loved unconditionally, without rhyme or reason, loved just because we are alive and in our partner's life. This is the connection between love and happiness.Loving our partners unconditionally requires that we know them, very well, and that, with all their faults, quirks and foibles, in spite of these and perhaps because of these, we love them, no strings attached. So the definition of unconditional love and acceptance is this; the person is loved and accepted without reservation. There are no conditions for this love, nothing like "I love you when you take care of me," "when you are nice to me," "if you do what I ask," or whatever it i
Your Brain on Sex 2007-10-03 12:17:00 Your Brain
on SexAlthough people tend to think that sex and orgasm occur in the genitals, the intense feelings generated during sex, including the sensation of orgasm actually originate in the brain. Neurochemical changes occur in the reptilian or primitive brain. This is the part of your brain that commands your impulses, drives and emotions.Dopamine, the feel good chemical, is released in your brain when you do anything enjoyable, whether it is eating, making love, or accomplishing something. Dopamine is the neurochemical which fuels cravings. So when you think you are craving sex, what you actually are craving is the dopamine that is released in your brain when you have sex. Orgasm offers us the largest possible dose of dopamine, in a legal form. Researches have discovered that brain scans of people having an orgasm resembled brain scans of people having a heroin rush. And just like the heroin addict, people can experience an orgasm hangover, or a low when dopamine levels drop after
The Path to Marital Bliss 2007-10-22 18:02:00 The Path to Marital Bliss
Happily ever after sometimes seems like a fairy tale, but having a happy marriage is quite possible. When we get married we believe that we will be happy. Then life happens, things get in the way, priorities change as life situations and stages change; kids, jobs, school, and life events, all take a toll on our commitment to be happy. We want to be happy but it seems that we just keep putting off whatever it is that we need to do to be happy.A marriage is not like a fine wine that get gets better with age and time, a marriage is like a great piece of art, it requires love, patience, creativity and skill to create it and time and effort to keep it sharp and vibrant. It becomes a life’s work and glory. The state of your relationship with your spouse says more about the kind of person you are than your career or the kind of car you drive. And yet people often worry more about their careers or cars, than they do about the state of their marriage, their spouse’s
When Your Partner Wants to Lose Weight 2007-10-30 16:38:00 When Your Partner
Wants to Lose Weight
You cannot motivate your partner to want to lose weight. The key in weight loss, as with any self-improvement, is that your partner has to decide that s/he wants to do something about his or her weight. Nagging your partner about his/her weight or making unkind comments about his/her appearance is counterproductive. If you feel you have to speak to your partner about his/her weight, the best way to approach it is from a health perspective. Saying something like, “I love you and I want to grow old with you. I am concerned about your health.” Your partner knows that s/he has gained weight and s/he doesn’t need to be reminded. What s/he does need is support in dealing the problem. Consider ways that you may unintentionally be contributing to the problem. Do you show your love with food and treats? When you spend time together, do you go out to eat, or do you do something active? Make you bonding time active time. Try swimming, walking, biking, b
Talk Nice 2007-11-13 17:31:00 Talk NiceYou have probably heard the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” As much as this can be bad advice for relationships, it is good advice for self-talk. Self-talk being that inner dialogue that sometimes mimics our parents and that all too often consists of us yelling at, belittling or berating our self. The problem with negative self-talk is that it destroys our relationship with our self—our self-esteem plummets and our ability to cope with day-to-day difficulties decreases. Notice, for instance, what you say to yourself as you awaken in the morning. Do you greet yourself with, “This is a great day! I love mornings. I feel so rested and alive.” or is your self-talk more along the lines of, “Grroan, I don’t want to get up. I’m tired and I hate work.”The catch is that your self-talk will set the tone for your day. Basically you are either setting yourself up to succeed or fail by the thoughts and words that you repea
Marriage: Getting Better Results 2007-11-21 13:37:00 Marriage: Getting Better
ResultsThere is a common computer phrase, “Garbage in, garbage out,” that tells us the quality of our results will depend on the quality of our input. When we apply this concept to marriage we can begin to create better results.The first thing to do is evaluate the quality of the effort that you are putting into your relationship. If you want your relationship to be everything that you dreamed it would be, then you need to carefully consider what you are putting into it.To see top quality results your need top quality input. You need to not only avoid the “garbage in” behaviors like criticism, rudeness, neglect, withdrawal, dishonesty and defensiveness, but you need to replace them relationship-building behaviors. Replace Criticism with GratitudeUnlike criticism, gratitude always feels good to the receiver. Gratitude means noticing and acknowledging what your partner does that contributes to your relationship. Gratitude is an excellent motivator, it let
Are You Fighting With Your Partner? 2007-12-20 15:16:00 Are You Fighting
With Your Partner
?Are you fighting with your partner or are you fighting with yourself and your partner is getting in the way? Internal conflict can spill over and create relationship conflict. For example, not feeling worthy of love, but wanting desperately to be accepted and loved can lead people to sabotage and doubt their partner's love. Because of their inner state, they are unable to accept or feel the love that their partner offers.However, anything their partner says or does that confirms their belief that they are unlovable will hit them to the core and be burned forever into their memory. Often resulting in the conclusion that their partner does not love them. This conclusion feels totally true to them because it coincides with their belief and internal picture of themselves as unlovable. Sometimes people think that if they get out of an uncomfortable relationship that then they will be happy. Then some time later they find themselves in the same relationsh
Marriage: Give Your Partner a Christmas Gift for a Lifetime 2007-12-20 10:14:00 Marriage: Give Your Partner
a Christmas
Gift for a Lifetime
"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world" Anne FrankOne of the best gifts a married couple can give each other is a change in focus. It is often our focus in the relationship that can cause pain, hurt, disagreements and miscommunications. As Joe Vitale teaches, what we focus on we get more of. Therefore the smart thing to do is focus on what we want in our relationship. Happiness. Joy. Friendship. Love.If you have ever suffered, even a little bit, from depression you will know how physically draining it is. What needs to be understood is that being negative takes more energy than being positive. That may seem a little silly but it is true. You may have heard people say, "It takes more energy to frown than to smile," and that too is true.So what has this to do with a change in focus? As couples, the focus should be on the positive rather than the negative. This will Read more:Christmas Gift
Death Knell for Relationship 2008-02-29 13:41:00 Death Knell for Relationship
Treating your partner’s opinions, ideas, or values with distain or contempt is extremely toxic to your relationship. Comments like, “Are you ever going to get it?” “I don’t know why I bother talking to you,” “That is just stupid,” “You don’t know what you are talking about,” indicate a lack of respect for your partner. It is also possible to convey the message that, “I am better than you are,” without verbalizing it at all. Attitude, actions, body language and tone of voice often speak louder than any words you could use.A sense of superiority can be a death knell for a relationship. Whether it is you or your partner, you have to ask yourself either, “Why would I want to be involved with someone who is less than I am?” or “Why wou
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