Owner: Ain't Christian? Satire, Parody and Humour URL:http://aintchristian.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Sat, 28 Jul 2007 11:01:16 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Christian humor for atheists, agnostics and christians (with senses of humor) alike. Sometimes sinful, sometimes holy, but hopefully always funny as Hell. Site statistics:Click here
The religion of the Hulk 2007-07-28 09:33:00 Yes, I know it's a comic... but these heroes are today's modern mythology. I'm not sure if anyone cares what Bruce Banner or Bruce Wayne believe theologically, but I like to explore the 'what ifs'. They're bound by their mediums at times and therefore can't change their ethics much, eg. Batman can't 'kill' the Joker, (even though he should) because we'd run out of decent bad guys. I think this is ummm.. bemusing? Plus I like to get 'green' pictures on my blog for aesthetic reasons... Anyway this is the Hulk... enjoy:Bruce Banner's overriding passion at times appears to be science. But even Banner's love for science is often subsumed by his complex anger and peculiar psyche that gives rise to his monstrous alter ego. Banner also appears to be a classic narcissist, as he usually appears to be more concerned with his own problems and his "cursed" life, often with seeming disregard for the lives he has destroyed (including the people closest to him) and the many people, incl
Hill$ong church parody - Praise the Lord 2007-07-27 08:20:00 Praise the Lord for all the cash I've gotPraise him for my Rolls Royce and my yachtServing God ain't hard, with a credit cardJesus died so I could make a lot...Praise the Lord, he's made us millionairesWave your donations in the airWe've replaced our hymns with ATMsAnd soon we'll charge a fee on every prayer...Jesus Christ was a poor man, don'cha knowHe should have used our accountants for his cash flowStuff the sermon on the mount, he should have had a bank account2000 years with interest... He'd be rolling in the dough.....Praise the Lord, this song is out on CDJust $40.95 plus GSTHallelujah, plenty of moulahSolid gold baubles on my Christmas tree...I've got all of heaven's riches!!!Thanks to all you stupid bitches.Praise the Lord for modern Christianity...Whoever said religion should be free...(The Chaser's War on Everything) Read more:parody
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Christian sex-ed records 2007-07-27 07:37:00 Dad lights up his pipe and starts talking about nocturnal emissions.DAD: One of these nights before too long you may find some of it (semen) passes off in your sleep . . .BOB: (worriedly) But Dad, that's wrong, isn't it?DAD: No, son, it's not wrong . . . No, it's true that to waste the seed deliberately - to do anything knowingly to make it come is a very grave sin. Because God designed that secretion in a man for one purpose. That is to be, well, like one of his raw materials in the creation of a new life . . . Wet dreams are different. Sometimes the supply of semen becomes too great before a man is married and these dreams are sort of a safety valve . . .BOB: But Dad, why do fellas get these feelings before they get married?Dad responds with a metaphor popular in the softcore films of Zalmon King. That is to say that God made sex as necessary as food for survival. Dad adds that sometimes this procreative desire inconveniently appears before the wedding vows are taken and the bloo Read more:Christian
Mothnosticism (not a cut-and-paste!) 2007-07-25 08:52:00 Apparently my blog has become cold and stale. Nice to have brutally honest friends isn't it? Yeah but... I'm poking fun at Christianity... I'm doing my job aren't I? Aren't I??? Sigh... I'd agree that my 'material' has been cold cut-and-paste
s that only fulfill in filling the void to keep an audience going. My pushing of the button every 108 minutes to save the world, "brother."I did a poll recently with the new blogger feature and 15% of voters wanted to know more about ME! (7 people voted in all). It's a lot of work keeping this blog going and I have no idea what the benefits are anymore. I'm pretty sure it's 'bad' for me and I'd be better off at my family blog diarising the amazing things that happen in my amazing life.I'm a little obsessed with checking the page views and watching it tick past the 10 000 mark was almost as exciting as catching my car's speedometer click past 300 000. God-dammit I need a new car (and a life, by the sounds).S.C., I hope you don't min
God and Satan, the original Spy Vs Spy 2007-07-24 04:53:00 In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.Then using God's great gifts, Satan
created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in whic
Why God never got a PhD 2007-07-22 07:34:00 1. He had only one major publication.2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.3. It has no references.4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done sincethen?7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning hissubjects.11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them fromthe sample.12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.14. He expelled his first two students for learning.15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his studentsfailed his tests.16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
Faeces Happeneth 2007-07-19 05:00:00 Taoism Shit happens.BuddhismIf shit happens, it's not really shit.IslamIf shit happens, it's the will of Allah.ProtestantismShit happens because you don't work hard enough. JudaismWhy does this shit always happen to us?HinduismThis shit happened before.CatholicismShit happens because you're bad.Hare KrishnaShit happens rama rama.T.V. EvangelismSend more shit.AtheismNo shit.Jehova's WitnessKnock knock, shit happens.HedonismThere's nothing like a good shit happening.Christian ScienceShit happens in your mind.AgnosticismMaybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.RastafarianismLet's smoke this shit.ExistentialismWhat is shit anyway?StoicismThis shit doesn't bother me.
Evan Almighty: The 40 year old Virgin Mary's Ark? 2007-07-18 04:02:00 This Noah's Ark sequel is another 'Jim Carrey' sequel that is sans Jim Carrey (see Dumb and Dumberer, The Son of the Mask, Ace Ventura 3 [coming soon - unfortunately]) and apparently is the most expensive comedy ever made, coming in at 175 Million dollars. Just think how many Creation Museums one could have built for that money? - Eight or nine? This'll be a great movie for the Christian set who want a movie about a favourite Bible character without the blood, whipping and bloody gore. Yes, I'm talking about Rambo IV.The movie is bad. So bad I gave up streaming it before the ship set sail. It's kind of like the Titanic in reverse - The ship is full of animals instead of people; it's based on a myth instead of a real incident; and in the end it doesn't sink... the movie did. This is the second blog this week I've done referencing the Titanic and I'm not sure if I can do a third. What's up with that?Man, I love Steve Carell, he's the best, but he's gone the way of comedic fa Read more:Almighty
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Upon Return, Jesus Taken For Pussy Liberal 2007-07-18 02:10:00 By Lee CampMACON, GA – Jesus
Christ made his grand return Friday but apparently has been taken for a "pussy commie liberal" by most of the townspeople he's encountered.Jesus told reporters that all weekend he wandered around town trying to help those in need of salvation however he was told by countless citizens to "cut [his] f**kin' hair," or "put on some real man's clothes." He was reportedly called everything from a "pinko latte-sipping liberal peace-freak" to a "queer ball-less God-hating elitist fairy."When Jesus told one man that the man's Hummer was not good for the environment and contributing to war waged for oil, the man accused him of being a troop-hating terrorist. Mary Spurns, 43, claimed Jesus was an illegal immigrant who was trying to take her job. Even though the Lord's child said he had no interest in Spurns' position as a cashier at the Fashion Bug, the woman still alerted the authorities who soon learned Christ had no identification cards and was therefore in Read more:Liberal
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Christian Masturbation Mass-debate 2007-07-17 00:09:00 Kim's Story: I a fifteen year old girl, and I just started masturbating three days ago. I haven't actually come yet, and the second night I tried, I gave up in yet another failed attempt. After I lay down to go to sleep, I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. To put it bluntly, I was horrified. I am a die-hard Christian
, and I was shocked that I had done such a thing. I cried silently for hours. The next day I got on the net and found some Christian/masturbation web-sites. I soon found out that the question on whether it is right or wrong to masturbate is totally up for debate. No one really knows. I felt a lot better.Then yesterday at work, I started thinking about my W.W.J.D. band. What would Jesus do? I was clueless. But I soon started thinking some more. Jesus was created in human form, right? Right. He WAS actually a HE. So HE had HIS own equipment. I started to wonder if Jesus himself ever masturbated, (as bad as it may sound.) I wondered if he EVER once got excited. He was a ma Read more:Masturbation
Thou Shalt What? 2007-07-15 00:44:00 From Chaz at The Teapot: The Bible...Permits polygamy [Leviticus 18:18] Prohibits sexual intercourse when a woman has her period, under penalty of exile [Leviticus 20:18] Sanctions selling your daughter into slavery [Exodus 21:7]Bans tattoos [Leviticus 19:28]Prohibits eating rare meat [Leviticus 7:24]Bans wearing clothes that are made from a blend of textiles, under penalty of death [Leviticus 19:19]Prohibits cross-breeding livestock, under penalty of death [Leviticus 19:19]Bans sowing a field with mixed seed, under penalty of death [Leviticus 19:19]Prohibits eating pigs, rabbits, or some forms of seafood [Leviticus 11:10]Requires Saturday to be reserved as the Sabbath, under penalty of death [Leviticus 24:8]States that you may not approach the altar of God if you have a defect in your sight [Lev 21:20] And last, but by no means least, prohibits the touching of the skin of a dead pig [Leviticus 11:8] which makes the football game in question, unless all the players are wearing gloves,
When I was a kid I grew up in an orange house 2007-07-14 19:13:00 (My childhood memories sung to the Josh Pyke's "House in the Middle")When I was a kid I grew up in an orange house, not a cream, or a white, or a brick, but an orange painted house and I broke my arm on a two foot fence as I tried to break my fall and I fell out of my pool and I got a black eye so I wore an eye-patch to school but got in trouble in my grade four class for speaking out of turn about pirates and when I walked home I fought with a kid from another school and ripped his shirt and his parents came to my door and told me I was in a lot of strife but I said, "No I'm not, and I wasn't".Once near the railway track there was a decapitated cat's head and we looked at it every day as we went to school and we were rumours of some bikers who took a bite out of a live cat but we didn't believe it cause it didn't sound right, but the new girl in town was ten years old and she told us all about sex and hung around the boys at the end of the street who rode their bikes at the bmx
Atheist Morality Blogalogue 2007-07-14 09:46:00 All eyes on the "Babble, bullshit, blasphemy and being" blog. No pressure guys...I have begun a blogalogue with theist blogger Rhology on the subject of morality. Both blogs will carry the full text of the conversation. Do we need a god to be moral? Let's find out. Rhology opens things up with the first post.http://choosedoubt.blogspot.com/ Don't leave comments here... leave them there. What are comments anyway? I'm glad I don't make a living from comments. I do recommend you click on the adultfriendfinder link at the bottom of my page and join up so I can make some pocket money. Yeah, good idea eh, find an adult friend to play backgammon with, or find a friend, or a date, or a swinger couple, or a F.B. Hmm, now that wouldn't be very ethical... for some I suppose, what was this blog about? Moral and ethics... find a moral and ethical adult friend. Read more:Atheist
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The Religion of Batman 2007-07-13 10:21:00 On the subject of Batman
's religious affiliation, there is some disagreement among fans as well as among writers about whether the character is a mostly lapsed Catholic or a mostly lapsed Episcopalian. There is universal agreement that the character is not an active churchgoer in any faith.The headstone of Bruce Wayne (Batman): a Christian cross. This type of cross, with its flared rounded ends, is known as a "cross bottony."The choice of a cross for Bruce Wayne's headstone is not an accident, and was not a default choice. Perhaps the future Bruce Wayne will be more actively religious than the contemporary character. This headstone may have been selected by Bruce Wayne's wife, possibly Selena Kyle. A later panel shows Kyle's headstone, which is not a cross, despite the fact that she has been portrayed as a Catholic in some comics. As Batman's religious affiliation is listed as "Episcopalian/Catholic (lapsed)" in various places, we have noticed a few people who incorrectly interpre Read more:Religion
Fundamentalist Horoscopes 2007-07-12 08:04:00 Aries (March 21 - April 20) Even though it will turn out she was merely waiting for the bus, you'll glow with pride this weekend when your six year- old douses a girl's blouse with blood outside an abortion clinic - Tonight: Reach out to a family member you haven't chastised in awhile and give them an earful Taurus (April 21 - May 21) After a natural disaster hits a part of the country with a high gay population you will become too preoccupied writing a violent screed to your local paper arguing your theory that God hates homosexuals to notice the huge tornado bearing down on your trailer park - Tonight: Pray like there's no tomorrowGemini (May 22 - June 21) You and your friends will be outraged when the judge dismisses your defense that, in accordance with Exodus 35:2, it was your pious obligation to murder that Chinese family for operating their donut shop on a Sunday - Tonight: Resist any and all biological urges. Yes, even those...Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You'll have a har Read more:Fundamentalist
But Bible contradictions are so much FUN! 2007-07-10 05:15:00 From the Anti-Church forumAnd there are so many of them! Like Evans says, the more "bollocks" there is contained in the scriptures, the more faith is needed to believe in them. Why don't we atheists (I don't necessarily include you in that number, Franknhonest) just continue pointing these delicious contradictions
out to the Christians and watching them squirm and tie themselves up in knots as they try to resolve them ("Oh, St. Paul was speaking figuratively"), while hoping that a few Christians will see the ludicrousness of the position they adopt and abandon their love affair with the Bible?And anyway, if the Bible is supposed to be God's word to us here on Earth... what a crap God! Is that the best he can come up with? Why doesn't he tell us about the laws of physics? About how he created everything? About what Jupiter's there for? About why we have four fingers when three would do? About the risks of global warming?And more to the point, why does he use up his holy book tellin
Fundie Files 2007-07-09 07:07:00 Some quotes from Atheists OnlineEGGMYSTIC: 7 days without prayer , makes one weak!JeIcoJo: I may be a nut but I'm screwed onto the right bolt - JESUSJesusFierySword: WARNING: Exposure to the SON may prevent BURNINGGoTheNation: Anyone here wearing their cape? Cause honestly you would have to be super stupid, to reject eternal life through forgivness.SINOTME: Christians = Can't Handle Reality Issues, So They Invent A Nonsensical ScenarioASeaOfSins: C.H.R.I.S.T.I.A.N.S. = Cretins Happily Reading Inconsistent Silly Tales Involving A Non-existent SaviorK billy DJ: Well happy satan worshipping to you all.. i'm off to cut the nuts off of baby bunny rabbits and dip them in goat shit while burning them in a poool of fire.. cya guysASeaOfSins: The Holy Bible™ A Grim Fairy Tale by Lord thy God. Copyright ª 325 AD, Council of Nicea. All Rights Reserved. All characters and situations in this book are fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons or events is strictly coincidental.ASeaOfSins: O
Yo, God! Detectors (Be sure to read the comments) 2007-07-09 04:27:00 How many times have we heard it said, "Oh, Lord, give me a sign!" Alas, too often the reply is vague and ambiguous: the phone rings at an opportune time, a feather falls from out of the blue, a water stain appears that resembles a religious image. We all want to know if God exists; maybe He just needs a reliable method to let us know He's here.Set out your God Detector anywhere in your home, church, or office.Offer a simple request or prayer that God reveal Himself through the detector.Check your God Detector daily or weekly for any indication of movement. Report any movement of the detector at this web site.Be sure to come back to check out our reports of God Detector movement, which are sure to grow as the number of God Detectors increase — April, 2007, is Yo-God's 5-year anniversary, and currently there are over 3,500 God Detectors around the world! In any case, use our comments page to let us know your thoughts about the God Detector.
Religion ala Eddie Izzard 2007-07-30 06:00:00 (With special thanks to contributor - Snakechic)Jesus - Look dad, I went down there, told them to be groovy, hang out, drink a bit of wine... they split into different groups...ya got the Catholic, the protestants, the Jesuits, the methodists, the evangelicals, the free presbyterians, the locked up presbyterians, the Quakers, the Bakers, the Candlestick Makers - the Mormons are from Mars dad, we better check them...God - And what does the Holy Ghost think of all this?Jesus - Oh he's useless dad, got a sheet over his head these days...Holy Ghost - wooo holy ghost, holy ghost...!God - Holy Ghost, this is not an episode of Scooby Doo.Holy Ghost - I would have succeeded if it wan't for those pesky god and jesus fellas(See youtube for whole clip) Read more:Eddie
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Walking on Water 2007-07-30 03:30:00 It's the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says: "Jesus, can't you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?"So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps onto the lake....and falls knee deep in water.Moses says, "Well....maybe you need a head start or something, why not go to the end of the dock and try."So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps off the end of the dock and falls up to his waist.Moses says, " Well why not rent the boat, go out to the center of the lake and try there."So they rent the boat and go to the middle of the lake, Jesus is about to step off and try again when...Moses says, "Wait. Just to be safe, why not get yourself into the state of mind you were in the first time you did it."So Jesus sets down, meditates for a few minutes, and finally he's all psyched up, and steps out of the canoe.... . Read more:Walking
God's still playing the 'Forbidden Fruit' game 2007-07-30 01:17:00 When's the last time I did a Christian/sex related blog entry? Please don't judge me - lol.... Well, actually I don't care. I'm a male and I have broadband, you do the math. I relate to these testimonies because I spent years fussing and fretting about what god thought about me as I gawked on such a superfluity of naughty things. "The eyes are never full" - Psalms something.Christian Porn addicts confess:10/14/3 “I'm a 19 year old male who has been trapped in the clutches of pornography for a little over 2 years now. Little did I know on that day when I literally begged my parents to get the Internet that I would be taking my first steps towards sin and debauchery. I only pray that God has mercy on my soul and gives me the strength to break free.”5/23/3 “I’m 63 and have been addicted to pornography since I was 13. In 1995 through counseling and prayer I was able to finally get rid of all the magazines, books and videos. …I lived a porn free life from July 1995 until Oct Read more:Forbidden
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Do You Suffer From Mottephobia? (Fear of Moths) 2007-07-29 02:17:00 Lay not up treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt - Mat 6:19Rust will eat your car and moths will eat the upholstery... so yeah... bad. They're usually bad guys (Killer Moth is among Batman's rogue gallery), and they're generally scary: A giant mothman appeared to some Americans to warn them a bridge was soon to collapse (crap btw - and no-one took any notice of the giant talking Moth's warnings).I relate to moths... they are mostly active at night; they're almost inquisitively drawn to the light; they excrete pheromones from their feet, and they're always fluttering about in your face - Yep, all just like me.Symptoms of Mottephobia – fear of moths:breathlessness, excessive sweating, dry mouth, shaking, heart palpitations, inability to speak or think clearly, a fear of dying, becoming mad or losing control, a ensation of detachment from reality or a full blown anxiety attack. CindyLoo - I recently found out, after reading up on human decomposition - 50-365 days Read more:Moths
Jesus vs. Zombies 2007-08-02 05:53:00 Hey tha;nks for the heads up Snakey! You rack 'em, I'll stack 'em. This is my kinda comic! Jesus
never looked so cool and kick-ass as he does in Loaded Bible's - Jesus vs. Vampires. I've downloaded the torrents already...In this post-apocalyptic future, humans and vampires are at each other's throats, and on the side of the humans is none other than the second coming of Jesus Christ. He kicks major vampire ass, using such clever twists as "Holy Water spit" to burn vamps. There's also a side-story with the Church that causes Jesus to break from them and become a one-man show.I can nearly imagine Jesus hanging with Buffy or Ash to bust some unrighteous zombie but.Check out the Youtube below for some screen pics of the comic. EAT MY FLESH... DRINK MY BLOOD Read more:Zombies
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