Owner: Ain't Christian? Satire, Parody and Humour URL:http://aintchristian.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Sat, 28 Jul 2007 11:01:16 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Christian humor for atheists, agnostics and christians (with senses of humor) alike. Sometimes sinful, sometimes holy, but hopefully always funny as Hell. Site statistics:Click here
Crash Test Dummies - Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm 2007-11-23 22:38:00 Does anyone know what this song is about? Interpretations anybody?Crash TestDummies
- Mmm Mmm Mmm MmmOnce there was this kid whoGot into an accident and couldn't come to schoolBut when he finally came backHis hair had turned from black into bright whiteHe said that it was from whenThe cars had smashed so hardMmm Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm MmmOnce there was this girl whoWouldn't go and change with the girls in the change roomBut when they finally made herThey saw birthmarks all over her bodyShe couldn't quite explain itThey'd always just been thereMmm Mmm Mmm MmmMmm Mmm Mmm MmmBut both girl and boy were glad'Cause one kid had it worse than that'Cause then there was this boy whoseParents made him come directly home right after schoolAnd when they went to their churchThey shook and lurched all over the church floorHe couldn't quite explain itThey'd always just gone thereMmm Mmm Mmm MmmMmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
It came upon a midnight weird 2007-12-14 17:29:00 Here's a selection of nativity scenes from Going JesusHere is a fine example of the Really Depressed Animal nativity genre.The look on cat-Mary's face is all too familiar; it usually means that there is only sad, dry cat food in the bowl.Also...why are the angels dogs?Is it just me, or does it seem kind of rude to have a rousing game of paddleball using the holy family?I get that it may have been a bit cold in the stable. I get that. But I'm not sure that the under-butt flame is a big improvement. Read more:midnight
Prayer - Why so serious? 2007-12-10 07:29:00 Dear omnipresent Lord, you are so awesome and big. You are so big that I feel small when I stand next to you... you're one big bitch. I beseech thee oh Lord of lords, and king of kings, and queen of queens, and Jack of Jackshit, to hear my prayer and throw me a friggin' bone here 'cause this is taking up my quality masturbation time. Forgive me oh holy one, for I have been created sinful (in your image? were you too susceptable to fucking up? how does that work? whatever...) and I truly hope you forgive me for being created by you. Yeah, see I don't get it either, but there's no use complaining, eh? Yadda yadda yadda... save the whales, and the kids born into starvation and poverty, and please stop rape and people who don't indicate at roundabouts... people are getting hurt. That's it for now. Can you use your awesome Holy Ghost super powers to turn the global warming stuff around too huh? Polar bears gotta eat. I'm playing into the hands of the viral marketers, but what the he Read more:serious
, Prayer
You appear to be typing a holy book. What would you like to do? 2008-03-10 04:12:00 The Joke: Knock knock. (Who's there?) Jesus. (Jesus who?) Looks like you're going to Hell!The Joke: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the light bulb and one to cast out the spirit of darkness.The Joke: Q: How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb? A: ... change???The Joke: What is the difference between a Baptist and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist!The Joke: How do we know that Moses was made out of rubber? He tied his ass to a tree and walked 5 miles. Read more:appear
Lying over adultery is legal in Italy 2008-03-08 19:00:00 Italy's highest appeal court has ruled that married Italian women who commit adultery are entitled to lie about it to protect their honour.The court gave its landmark ruling after hearing the case of a 48-year-old woman, convicted of giving false testimony to police by denying she had lent her mobile phone to her lover.The appeal court did not agree that she had broken the law. It said bending the truth was justified to conceal extra-marital relationships. In a predominantly Catholic country you might expect the courts to take a dim view of lying and adultery.But not in this case. The woman who brought the appeal was from Porto Ercole on the Tuscany coast, and named only as Carla. She had lent her telephone to her secret lover, Giovanni, who then used it to call Carla's estranged husband, Read more:Lying
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, Italy
Kissing Hank's Ass 2008-03-08 08:20:00
(Transcript sample below)This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."Mary: "Who Read more:Kissing
Jesus loves you 2008-03-08 08:05:00 He doesn't want to send you to hell, but he will if you don't love him back.He loves us unconditionally, but with conditions. Read more:Jesus
Can you rub your god's tummy? 2008-03-01 21:55:00 BUDDHISM: The only deity whose belly can be rubbed for luck...Source - The Pain Comics
Sarah Silverman - "I'm F*cking Matt Damon" 2008-02-27 01:39:00 I've said it before and I'll type it again... I love Sarah
Silverman. She's cute, she's funny, she's sexy, she swears like a trooper, she offensive to Christians... I fucking love Sarah Silverman and am kinda jealous that she's 'Fucking Matt Damon
!' - ha. This is the week on my blog for sexy atheist girls singing about fucking. I love this video clip - pure gold.Here is the very funny video Jimmy Kimmel made as a response. You'll find heaps of celebrity cameos including Ben Affleck, Brad Pitt, Cameron Diaz, Huey Lewis, Lance Bass, Don Cheadle, Josh Groban, McLovin, Macy Gray, Robin Williams, and Harrison Ford just to mention a few!
Jesus, Look at the time! 2008-02-22 08:06:00 Keep your eye on Jesus
. Buy it here... and check out some very cool gadget gift products.
Saving My Hymen for Jesus 2008-02-20 05:39:00 Found this over at Bligby and had to blog it.Jo and Snakey... you're gonna love this!"Keepin' the boys from away down there for the big boy up above"Satire - Two girls dish about the benefits of saving it for the lord! Written by Katie Goodman & Soren Kisel. Staring Katie Goodman & Sallie Sills. Read more:Jesus
, Saving
China bans ghost stories 2008-02-19 04:44:00 That's right. Ghost stories. Any video or audio content containing ghosts or monsters needs to be reported to authorities in the next few weeks. Reuters quotes the administration in saying that offending content includes "wronged spirits and violent ghosts, monsters, demons, and other inhuman portrayals, strange and supernatural storytelling for the sole purpose of seeking terror and horror."Reuters suggests that China
"is keen to step up its control of the cultural arena ahead of the Beijing Olympics in August, which are widely seen as a coming-out party for the rising political and economic power." LinkWatch out Christianity... I'm sure the whole 'Hell' thing ain't gonna wash with the Chinese watchmen.
What is Jehovah and Jesus planning to do? 2008-02-18 03:56:00 I wonder what music Jesus
would listen to if he filled up his I-God? Would he bop around all day listening to Hillsong swoon about how good he is? I'd imagine him to be more of a Bruce Springsteener actually.I always wonder about how healthy it is for a god's ego to spend eternity listening to his angels and elected holy people laying at his feet singing about how big he is, and majestic, and 'Awesome', and other puke-inducing flatteries. I don't know... I think it's a trap. He's made all these hotties and he's sorting out which ones love him the most. What's he setting 'em up for? Why does someone so big and old need all these groupies? It's obvious... sex-slaves. Probably, not the 'poke me there, suck me there', type sex, but it's definitely something for his pleasure. The sadist is goi Read more:planning
Creation Science 101 (musical parody) 2008-02-09 08:43:00 Thanks Roy Zimmerman for posting at Ex-Christian.net "CreationScience
101" is on my album "Faulty Intelligence" available on my website and on iTunes. -- Roy Zimmerman Read more:parody
God holds a press conference 2008-02-08 17:08:00 An impromptu Press Conference was held recently with God in Panama City, Florida. This is a transcript of God's answers. Unfortunately, microphones weren't working among the press corps, so we only have God's answers on audiotape, but not the questions He was asked...--------------------------------------------------------------------------------All these statements are from God:"I have no idea where that fish thing came from. If I was going to make a secret symbol, I would have used the hydrogen atom, or maybe the number eight lying on it's side as the symbol for infinity, not a fish. And the Cross, why is everybody so hung up on that? It's like a guillotine or an electric chair. Why are you all wearing something morbid like that around your necks?""Here's how you cure cancer: make it mor Read more:holds
, conference
Why whales have holes in their heads and women have tight vaginas 2008-02-07 05:31:00 Kondole the Whale and the hole in his headKondole was a mean and rude man. One night, the performers during a ceremony needed someone to keep a fire going; Kondole was the only one with fire, and he hid in the bush. The men argued with him, and one got frustrated and threw a spear into Kondole's skull. All the men then turned into animals, including kangaroos, possums, fish and birds. Kondole became a whale and the hole in his head from the spear became his blowhole.Thought to be the oldest continuously maintained cultural history on Earth (50,000 years or more), the Australian aboriginal Dreamtime explains the origins and culture of the land and of its people, but - call me crazy - but I don't believe it. I don't... I mean, it kinda makes sense but I really truly doubt it.Eve and the too Read more:whales
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God renigues on his sacrifice 2008-02-04 06:02:00 The whole god sacrificing his son thing is truly the most obvious glitch in Christian logic. But ok, quirky eccentric god has his own weird rules to fulfil - fair 'nuff, and I'd sort of respect his 'incredible' sacrifice in a way, seeing as though he's cornered by his whole sacrificing scheme he'd set up with animals and turtledoves and shit... EXCEPT that he gave up after THREE DAYS!Three days after the sacrifice he thought 'Frak it, i'm reanimating my boy'. Screw this sacrifice thing. Sure, he had victory over death but isn't that a cop out of universal proportions? He could resurrect the body but not heal the holes in his hand?He renigued on the deal and then had the gall to call it a victory. Remember the Isaac story? In that story Isaac was going to do it, and without the three day re
Supergod Returns - the story so far... 2008-02-03 05:48:00 God creates the universe and every creeping thing.Giant lizards go on a rampage and eat up everything.God creates legions of winged friendly creatures.One of them stages a mutiny and takes on horny features.God creates some human pets and gives them paradise.Walking snake tricks them up and things don't go so nice.Adam and Eve are banished and from the garden hurled.Homicidal son sleeps with sisters to populate the world.Civilisation develops and the people try again.God is still not happy, so drowns everyone with rain.Ten commandments given, but in case we're feeling clever.God makes hell to punish sinners forever and forever.God plants his holy semen in a virgin to breed a super son.but people whipped him to shreds and killed him just for fun.Superman returns from death and grants eterna Read more:Returns
, story
Atheists and Anger - Good reasons 2008-01-30 03:57:00 One of the most common criticisms lobbed at the newly-vocal atheist community is, "Why do you have to be so angry?" So I want to talk about: 1. Why atheists are angry;2. Why our anger is valid, valuable, and necessary;And 3. Why it's completely fucked-up to try to take our anger away from us.Read more, it's a bloody excellent blog:Greta Christina's Blog Read more:Atheists
Some more religious jokes 2008-01-30 02:00:00 What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? One has hope in her soul . . .If "The Jetsons" has taught us anything about the future, it's that the white supremacists win.So yesterday I asked my Rabbi if I could borrow 5 bucks. He said "4 dollars? What the hell do you need 3 dollars for?!A man owes the IRS $10,000, but he only has $5,000. So he goes to church and prays to god for guidance. God suddenly appears before the man and says, "Go to Las Vegas!" So the man knowing not to go against God, hops the next flight to Las Vegas, and walks into the first casino he sees and sits down at the Black Jack table. God says to him, "BET IT ALL!" So the man pushes in his $5,000 and gets his two cards. He has a 2 and a 3. God says, "Take a hit." The man gets another card Read more:religious
Convincing evidence for a god? 2008-01-27 04:02:00 Tarradiddle made me aware of Ray Comfort's blog and I couldn't help but have a look at it even though the thought or reading or listening to anything he and his 'Boy Wonder' Kirk Cameron have to say makes me a bit nauseous. I just think they suck, is all.To my surprise, the blog is fun because many of the commentators are atheist/agnostics and they seem to get the pwnage over the ridiculous blog entries of Mr Comfort (in my opinion anyway). I thought the blog, and the comments he allows, makes for fun reading. I noticed the following challenge within the com-boxes:To all the atheists: What would it take to convince you that God did exist? What would you accept as evidence?"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence" was a phrase popularized by Carl Sagan, and the Christian set wou
You must be a Christian if... 2008-01-25 06:37:00 18. You believe that the Magic Sky Man is preparing to ride His Sky Horse down from the Sky Kingdom very soon. You find yourself filled with joyous anticipation at the thought of the senseless torture and slaughter of billions of non-Christian
people who will then be tossed into a flaming torture chamber forever to be BBQed without mercy and without any hope of reprieve because when these horrific events occur it signals the end of the line for the Talking Snake and his evil minions (including those pesky rational, thinking people) and the beginning of a wonderful magical eternal life for you up in the Sky with your Three Invisible Friends who are somehow magically One Invisible Friend.For the whole list click here
'10 Things' about Heath Ledger 2008-01-25 05:53:00 Named after Heath
cliffe of Wuthering heightsBronte's brooding haunted man who laughedThree years ago he bought a house at Bronte beachMoney and fame from the mastering of his craftHe was experienced with Shakespeares playsFamed for his modern 'Taming of the Shrew'"And thereby hangs a tale"In Ten Things I Hate About You.Obssessed with Nick Drake who over-dosed at 26Ledger tragically followed in his pathHeath made his music video this yearThe final scene showed him drowning in his bathHe played a gay man on televisionin Brokeback Mountain, the same male bondHe named his only daughter MatildaAfter a 'waltzing' man drowned in a pondHis first acting role was Peter PanAt age ten, the boy who could flyHis youthful look, his cheeky smilethe boy that would never dieSo much opportunity ahead awaited
Discovery of the Super Devil (Family Guy) 2008-01-22 18:46:00 TV Announcer: This is Channel 5 news Texas, with Duke Dillon.Duke: Howdy Texas, I'm Duke Dillon. At the top of the news tonight, authorities have called off their pursuit of a fugitive Rhode Island baby, who was thought to be possessed by the devil.Lois: Oh, thank god!Duke: This turn of events came after Vatican scientists announced today, that the devil is not the greatest threat to salvation. Due to last weeks discovery of the SuperDevil
. Religion reporter Dallas Houston has the story.Dallas: Thanks Duke, well let me try and get you a clear picture of what we're dealing with here. Here's a photo of the devil, and here's the super devil. Now as you can see, there are some significant differences. The super devil is at least six inches taller, uh, he has a flying motorcycle, and a jar of Read more:Discovery
, Family
, Family Guy
Atheist responses to a Christianist 2008-03-15 05:08:00 Sometimes they allow a Christian post into Ex-Christian.net to feed the lions... I summarised some responses
:I want you to know that just because you dont believe in God, doesnt mean he's not there. God loves you. Romans 5:8 says God demonstrates His love for us in this: while we were still sinners Christ died for us. God has a love and a grace that is beyond human understanding. I am a christian obviously and I believe that Jesus Christ will be coming again and that He will take His people, the believers, with Him. I pray that you and the people who dont believe in Christ will turn before that day. If you want to ask me some questions or anything email me back. brandon.buck41@yahoo.comBrandon, learn the concept and definition of Stockholm Syndrome. - HappyChef Well let's see. It's been 20 Read more:Atheist
Darren Brown - NLP Persuasion skills 2008-03-20 18:33:00 Search for DarrenBrown
on Youtube and will see how a well-practiced expert can persuade people to change behaviour. This is done by suggestion, distraction and subliminal language. In the church that got me, we started in a room with the elders and through a process of persuasive techique we believed that we received the "holy spirit" after a fervent and 'powerul' session. Many of us left that room after being convinced that the ecstatic speech, we had allowed our mouths to make, was actually the evidence that a god had now possessed our souls and would help us through life.Through regular attendence we were continually persuaded to hang onto the faith and encouraged to maintain the tongue speaking nonsense as our link to the God above through the God filled within via the god that hung a
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