Owner: Ain't Christian? Satire, Parody and Humour URL:http://aintchristian.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Sat, 28 Jul 2007 11:01:16 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Christian humor for atheists, agnostics and christians (with senses of humor) alike. Sometimes sinful, sometimes holy, but hopefully always funny as Hell. Site statistics:Click here
I swear to Gosh 2007-09-21 03:48:00 "And the Lord sayeth unto they, thou shalt not say fuck or frak or any variation of sexual intercourse in a simplified vernacular during casual conversation. Neither shalt thou shit a cunt bomb by thy tongue, and if any bastard taketh the pisseth out of my name by way of expletive they'll surely answer unto me for an eternal damning in my Hellhole" - Fuckathians 13:69“But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.” (Matthew 5:37)“But above all things, my brethren, swear not, neither by heaven, neither by the earth, neither by any other oath: but let your yea be yea; and your nay, nay; lest ye fall into condemnation.” (James 5:12) "But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment." (Mat. 12:36)One of the above is not an actual verse from the bible about swearing. The other three aren't really biblical directives that explicitly forbid Christians from sayin
Evil Disney 2007-09-19 04:40:00 I've always enjoyed reading the work of the freaking nutjob fundies at Jesus-is-saviour; they are the epitomy of Christianity gone completely insane. It's one of those sites that you're sure MUST be parody but isn't. They're completely serious about what they ramble on about. The following excepts from the website are not parody.Freaky Fundy - "Within 15 minutes of the opening scene, viewers of Walt Disney
's movie, NARNIA, are face to face with Pan (deceitfully renamed to "Tumnus"), the evil sexually-perverted pagan sex god, which Wiccan witches worship and adore worldwide. Freaky Fundy - In lieu of such evidence, how can any professed Christian endorse such a demonic movie as NARNIA? Yet, Christians all across America are praising this evil movie which promotes Satan. Look at the photo of Tumnus to the left. Please notice the Devil's horns coming out of his head. In NARNIA, Tumnus is one of the good characters. Do you think this is all just a coincidence? No my friend, Satan is
Squirt the dolphin 2007-09-18 03:46:00 God kills kittens when you masturbateHe'll put hair upon your palmDon't you stroke it, don't you choke itmuscles will grow on just one armWrath you'll get, plus disapprovalby spilling out your wasted seedevery lost soul by your removalis an vile and evil deedSo put away that magazineplay sport, maybe some golfin'stay off the net, turn off that screenDon't squirt the dangling dolphin.
Carnival of the godless - September 16, 2007 2007-09-15 07:38:00 Eve should have noticed the problem with the fruit.Here's your submissions with some inane commentary from myself:Sorry about the formatting... I give up... sigh.. how embarrassing!FitBuff presents Out of Body Experiences: Medical Mysteries or Scientific Explanation? posted at FitBuff.com's Total Mind and Body Fitness Blog, saying, "Out of body experiences have long been associated with divine intervention and miracles, but scientists claim to be able to now trigger them on demand in volunteers. Does this change the way you feel about these phenomena? It's interesting to note that though they can trigger the experience, they still can't explain exactly how or why it happens." Everyone heads for the light during 'Near Death Experiences'... could it actually be that most of us get reincarnated as Moths? They do have short lives. I promise not to mention Moths again during this carnival.Greta Christina presents Does The Emperor Have Clothes? Religion and the Destructive Force of As Read more:Carnival
, September
God Bowl (Part one) 2007-09-09 05:34:00 The world's most powerful religions take the stage in an all out battle royal of cosmic proportions. All except for Buddhism, The Dalai Lama has peacefully bowed out of the competition.
Curb Your Eucharist 2007-09-07 09:07:00 From Curb Your Enthusiasm (Larry David)[Cheryl is reading a draft of her renewed wedding vows to Larry]Cheryl: "We'll love each other throughout this lifetime, but after death through all eternity."Larry: You mean this is... this is continuing into the afterlife?Cheryl: Yeah, that's the idea. Do you have a problem with that?Larry: Well, I... I thought this was over at death. I didn't know we went into eternity together. Isn't that what it said in..."'til death do us part, " I thought it was...Cheryl: Do you have a problem with eternity?Larry: Well...Cheryl: We finally found each other, Larry, and we're celebrating this for all eternity.Larry: I guess I had a different plan for eternity. I thought... I thought I'd be single again.[Larry has just offended a rabbi]Nat David: He doesn't know what he's doing.Cheryl's Mom: He really doesn't.Cheryl: No, he's...Larry: What do they say in The Bible? "He knows not... whereof he..."Rabbi: Don't try, don't try to quote The Bible.Larr Read more:Eucharist
My Invisible Pink Unicorn 2007-09-02 06:07:00 I have an invisible pink unicornthat no one else can seemy horny forehead friendlives and breathes for meMy invisible pink unicorncan heal me when I'm sickwhat a wondrous hidden beastif i'm still ill, it's a trickPerfect flying pink unicornhis best friend is a kettlea spaghetti monster there tooone is meat the other's metalI love my magic unicornhe keeps me warm at nightdefends me from the monstersThey fear his unseen light Copyrite - Peter Bainbridge Read more:Unicorn
Christian Outdoorsman Ministry 2007-09-26 09:17:00 From Snakey's keyboard:I don't know....this strikes me as being so fucked up. Whats is it with 'true believer's' that makes em' merchandise their belief system to incorporate a fairly 'average' common ol' activity as being out in the open air. As a bit of a cross reference to the other thread here about the 'christian guns and small arms' - christian men do seem to be very interested in shooting up the wild life while wearing combat /military designs on their leisure wear. Crazy....! and ever so blokey. and sterotypicalGawd.......'lets shoot up the wildlife'.....is that also a very CHRISTIAN ideology - that 'man' has domain over the animals. ! I didn't realise until recently how well and deeply intrenched 'guns' are within American society/law/constitution. Its a taken for granted part of the culture... which as an Australian is quite curious and extraordiary to me.. Guns are a good example of the differences between the cultures and how perhaps differences of opin Read more:Christian
, Ministry
Big scary stupid crazy fat freaked out Christian woman 2007-09-25 21:02:00 I know most people have seen this exerpt from a wife-swapping show (and all the fun animations since) where this Fundy gal swaps houses with someone who's 'not' fundy. I would love to know how this family are now? This is like the worst case scenario of Christian
Fundamentalism... when Christians go bad! I've met someone close to this, but heck... this is so bad, it's hard to look away. Read more:woman
Suck it Jesus, this award is my god now! 2007-10-04 04:01:00 Again, I'm a big fan of female comedians who aren't scared of stirring some controversy by dissing out on Jesus
and his other two personalities. Sarah Silverman would have to be my favourite but Kathy Griffin has some big atheist balls too, by the looks of it. Here she is on Larry King kathy illustrating the absurdity of thanking Jesus for an award. I'm sure Jesus is sitting by his television watching all these award shows so he can reward or punish the comments made on them. Well actually, Jesus and his gang have seen everything in advance and know all the winners already - life would be so boring as a deity who knows the results for everything.The clip also has footage of Sally Field (still fondly remembered as the Flying nun) getting her speech censored.
Hello Christians 2007-10-03 18:26:00 From Snakey's keyboard. The slithering sex siren can be found at the following forums: here and here. Next time I quote you I'll be less lazy and bulk out your writing a little, but this is the school holidays and I'm a lazy enough bugger with too much to do.I love this Pommy guy...very distinguished looking - funnyHe is getting an amazing amount of feedback on youtubeClick here to read...Hi, I'm Pat Condell.I don't respect your beliefsand I don't care if you're offended.Cheers. (I like it..I like it... My thoughts exactly....)- Snakechick Read more:Hello
, Christians
Bible Quizz - Yeah, I still got it... ha! 2007-10-02 17:36:00 You know the Bible 100%! Wow! You are awesome! You are a true Biblical scholar, not just a hearer but a personal reader! The books, the characters, the events, the verses - you know it all! You are fantastic!Ultimate Bible QuizCreate MySpace Quizzes
Dear baby Jesus (from Talladega Nights) 2007-10-13 09:27:00 Dear tiny infant Jesus
, with your baby Jesus powers..."Dad, you made that 'grace' your bitch!""Talladega
Nights" is a clever assessment of American culture, religion, and obsessions.
Christian Halloween Alternatives 2007-10-12 20:54:00 I've just sent out invitations to the students at our school for a Halloween
Disco coming up, and I've already heard of some parents who won't let their children go because of the theme. Their kids are upset that they can't dance with their friends and have fun with them after a long hard year.This is the epitome of what annoys me about some Christian
s. They are so full of superstition and fear that they actually go out of their way to avoid things that are so obviously unreal that it's beyond the joke. I suppose once you buy into the whole modern day Christian mythology you open yourself up to believing in all sorts of things... like witches and ghosts and demons and Yoda and The headless horseman and blah blah freaking blah.I'm certainly not going to rename my disco or call it a fancy dress disco or any crap like that. I think that the kids who have to sit and sulk at home while their friends dance and singstar on a school night in fun costumes are learning a valuable lesson in Read more:Alternatives
Jim Carry and Conan Obrien discuss Quantum Physics 2007-10-05 22:01:00 Conan O'brien and Jim Carrey Talking about Quantum Physics
. Allso Max Weinberg comes in to the screen. Neither of them are lookin forward into a teleprompter, which is amazing! These guys are awesome. Read more:Carry
, Conan
, discuss
Happy Raptureday Blockhead 2007-10-05 19:07:00 Twiddle dee, diddle dee deeArmageddon, it cometh for theeThe world will endall knees will bendThe raptured singing with gleeTwiddle dee, diddle dee Do'hEverything you cherish shall goThe sky to bloodyour flesh to mudSit back and enjoy the showWe'll fiddle while watching Rome burnI knew they never would learnJust drop the bombwe'll sing alongas your god makes his returnTwiddle dee, diddle dee dieYou won't even have time to cryNo time to blinkor smell the stinkof your flesh about to fry Read more:Happy
How to write an essay paper 2007-10-04 08:08:00 1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.2. Log onto MSN and Gmail (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.4. Walk down to the shops and buy some chocolate and a Pepsi-Max to help you concentrate.5. Check your email.6. Call up a friend and ask if she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.7. When you get back home, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.9. Check your email.10. Write a blog post... you don't want to lose readers. People depend on you.11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.12. Download some mp3, and another episode of 30 Rock.13. Check your email. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?!14. MSN chat with one of your friends about what's on television at the moment.15. Check your email.16. Listen to your new mp3s an Read more:essay
, paper
John Safran parodies Christian Rock music 2007-10-22 03:50:00 Been a while since I watched John Safran doing his thing. Here John tries to sell his mock religious band Jew Town. The video features a clip of DC Talk, and I have to admit that sadly I still like DC Talk's music. If you haven't seen Jew's Rock, then prepare yourself to go down down down to Jew Town.While looking through John Safron Youtubes I came across this gem. This has no religious connotation (unless you worship cows) and it's wholly disturbing and completely thought provoking. WARNING - I'm serious when I say it's disturbing! Burgers will never taste the same to me again. Read more:Christian
Happy "Re-Birthday" Christians 2007-10-27 18:19:00 Here's a thing. I don't think born again Christians
should be celebrating their birthdays, because that's the day they were born into 'sin'! To celebrate that day makes sweet baby Jesus cry with their disrespect. Instead, they should be celebrating the anniversaries of their born-again day.Christians, if you continue to celebrate your birthday, rather than your re-birthday you spit at Jesus everytime. Just a thought.Back to Halloween. Christians are a superstitious huddled mass and what resonable others recognise as a fun day with a scary theme derived from ancient practice is little different from an even scarier special day... Easter. Eating flesh and blood, whipping, crucifixion, thorns... all carted out and even re-enacted in costumes by some. Read more:Happy
, Birthday
Meme for top hits from Google searches for my Blog 2007-10-26 17:55:00 The World's Fair has started a meme, where the premise is that you will attempt to find 5 statements, which if you were to type into google (preferably google.com, but we'll take the other country specific ones if need be), you'll find that you are returned with your blog as the number one hit."The Simpsons religion quotes" - I'm pretty honoured to have these excellent quotes from the Simpsons at the top of a Google
search.Christian Porn again - The bible way - Christian Porn sells man... does a dildo still make one girl a virgin? Ya know, if Jesus is the bride-groom and the 'church' is his bride then what happens on the honeymoon night? The church gets severely fucked over. Christian Masturbation Mass-debate - A lot of very guilty feeling people are out there hiding tissue paper from god, but he can see under the mattresses."10 best reasons gay marriage is wrong" - I stole this post from someone else but it's getting good hits and lots of comments.Christopher Hitchens Quotes -
Glenreb says a big FUCK YOU to all who won't accept his Fucking Christian message 2007-10-26 01:38:00 Thanks Snakey for the following video! It's just freaking entertaining watching this passionate Christian
idiot spitting and swearing at a list of YouTube users who 'dare' to call themselves atheists. This guy is a freaking loon, and I've never seen anyone swear so much who wasn't a Citroen Mechanic.I don't think it's entirely polite to openly mock people who have mental disorders. I do stop and watch crazy homelesss people, in wide-eyed fascination who wander down the streets screaming at invisible people, but I feel sorry for them at the same time. Perhaps this guy does have some sort of disorder... but then again, who doesn't?This guy makes the fat wife-swapping funcy freakazoid look like... uh actually no, they're both equally and willfully ignorant. This nine minute video is worth watching and he only gets more revved up as it goes along. I bet the people whose names are on his list are proud as punch to be on it. Ha.
Keith Allen and Crazy Christians 2007-11-03 06:56:00 Check out Benny Hinn swiping his jacket at people to slay them. Fuck, they're stupid cunts.I don't usually swear that heavily but holy fuck... I look at what some people will let themselves get sucked into and I just gotta say... get off the fucking planet or do something that doesn't embarrass yourself so god damn much.I needed a rant tonight. Thanks, come again. And thanks http://www.nullifidian.net/ for the following video. I hadn't heard of KeithAllen
before. Read more:Crazy
, Christians
The Chasers vs the Westboro freaks (youtube) 2007-11-02 19:39:00 Ahhh, those cheeky Chaser boys... gotta love 'em. Westboro are getting a lot of press for a small group, but I think we're fascinated with what people are capable of when religion is uninhibited by what normal people hold back with common sense and common ethic.The vile Westboro church creatures may be a tad fanatical and extreme and probably embarrassing to many mainstream christians, but there's something there in essence that lies just under the surface of all Christianity. I don't think Westboro is too far from what most of Christendom believe but are too polite in most cases to run out with pickets to do.They disgust me to the core. Anyone who can act out so much hate while smiling all the way is chilling. And it's that same cold, fake smile that I see in most Christians after they leave one of their Sabbath day brainwashing services. The Most Hated Family in AmericaLouis Theroux quotes:"What we're trying to do in the documentary is look at an activity that is so antisocial, Read more:freaks
Gay Jesus 2007-11-08 00:41:00 Ok, my blog's got to a point where it's basically turned into a dumping ground for Youtube videos that I think adequately take the piss out of religion. That's ok isn't it? I'm still fascinated by having access to video online since going Broadband 6 months ago - I've actually downloaded 8oo gig in that time. Amazing! I love living in the Download 'Age'. Imagine how many more sinners are going to be damned nowadays because of the easy access to porn and the ability to 'steal' movies from home.I've lost my fire for long diatribes about the ridiculousness of religion and I'm preaching to the atheistic 'choir' here I think, in general. Not that I care or wish for a christian audience... they'd only want to pop in and tell me how much god loves me no matter how much I disbelieve or 'hate' him, and that he will send me to a torturous hell should I not realise that before the rapture fairies take them all away.I especially like it when I find videos that will offend Christia Read more:Jesus
Self defense for alter boys 2007-11-16 15:32:00 *The self-defense techniques are only to be used on sexually aggressive clergymen. Most priests are swell guys. (This disclaimer presented as a tip o' the hat to Catholic League president William Donohue.)
Prayer works! It's win-win for God - yay! 2007-11-26 06:15:00 I was chatting with a Christian friend who hesistated in talking to me somewhat because she thought it would end up as blog fodder. Sigh, well 'you' planted the thoughts gal, so here goes. I'm not attacking 'God' as such because a reasonable part of me believes he doesn't actually read my blog and that he doesn't exist in the first place. The unreasonable part of me thinks he's aware of the blog but couldn't care less and that he may exist but put this whole universe in a little jar in his fortress of solitude. And no, I'm not going to bloody well give the 'he' a capital H... for crying out loud. If this stupid and probably non-existant deity is so pedantic about capitalisation, he can kiss my evolved upper-case Monkey Butt!Anyway, kudos to God for answering every prayer... you said, "prayers aren't always answered the way one hopes for or expects sometimes", and this is a fairly old argument that has him landing on his big feet smelling like a rose and whistling dixie to Read more:Prayer
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