Owner: Ain't Christian? Satire, Parody and Humour URL:http://aintchristian.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Sat, 28 Jul 2007 11:01:16 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Christian humor for atheists, agnostics and christians (with senses of humor) alike. Sometimes sinful, sometimes holy, but hopefully always funny as Hell. Site statistics:Click here
SIN TREK II: The Search for the Wrath of God's Frontier 2007-08-01 08:00:00 If the religious far-right wrote Star Trek, it would probably work out like this... Hi Stumble-upon readers! oh and by the way, I couldn't work out a way to embed this particular video, nor could I work the http to get it to open in a new window. Right click the screenshot and open in a new screen, otherwise you'll end up somewhere away from this page and you wouldn't want to do that would you? Oh you would? You want to 'stumble upon' a new page? Already? But you just got here! I have more to give... more Christian satire links to share... heaps... I've invested my life you ungrateful bastards! I just want a comment, a simple acknowledgement, a thank you. *walks away from the computer and puts one arm up against the wall in contemplative silence... waits for a few minutes... ok, he's back at the computer now... look interested* Okay, I thought about it. It's okay... you can go. You don't have to comment, you'll only feed the attention seeking monster within, just watch the Read more:Search
, Frontier
Jesus is coming back, and this time, it's personal. 2007-08-04 22:15:00 So this is the last day of Strange Jesus
week on the Moth blog. I'm sure he'll be back... he always comes back...Layguy (a Christian blogger) used to blog at Yahoo 360 but left due to all the petty little comments people would write and all the pathetic little "Jesus loves you" glitter things posted on his page. He goes onto say:Don’t these people understand that when Jesus returns, He will have the blood of His enemies dripping off His robe? That the armies of Heaven will be following Him? That the wine-press of God’s wrath is about to go into overdrive and He is appointed to lead this?Did anyone see that cartoon broadcast on Pat Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network starring Jesus as a Kung Fu expert who wanders the Middle East fighting evil. Titled, "Jesus: Fists of Glory', the cartoon was part of a campaign by Christian fundamentalists to change American perceptions of everyone's favorite Lord and Savior. "We're very excited about this new direction for Jesus," conti
Socrates meets Jesus (and gets some serious pwnage) 2007-08-04 21:12:00 Click the image to view the discussionThere is one basic question that has always been uppermost in my mind. With my limited understanding, it often seems to me that life, even with all its sound and fury, really signifies nothing. Please tell me: How should a man live; what is the purpose of life?Jesus
- Simply because there is some evil in the world does not negate the good: You must thank God for that. God must exist because; where did the world come from if he did not create it? Socrates - It is not necessarily your God that created the world: There are thousands of other priests who claim that their God did it. Just because I do not have the answer, does not mean that I must accept yours without examining it. I could just as logically demand that you believe that Zeus created the world. Even if I agree that God created the world, that is the end of the definition of the qualities of God and we can't logically proceed from that to the assumption that the other aspects of your defi Read more:serious
Marcus Brigstocke rants about religion 2007-08-04 20:06:00 Transcript... with thanks to Mental Excretement"I'd like to start this week with a request, and this one goes out to the followers of the three Abrahamic religions: the Muslims, Christians, and Jews. It's just a little thing, really, but do you think that when you've finished smashing up the world and blowing each other to bits and demanding special privledges while you do it, do you think that maybe the rest of us could sort of have our planet back? I wouldn't ask, but I'm starting to think that there must be something written in the special books that each of you so enjoy referring to that it's ok to behave like special, petulent, pugnacious, pricks.Forgive the alliteration, but your persistent, power-mad punch-ups are pissing me off. It's mainly the extremists obviously, but not excllusively. It's a lot of 'main-streamers' as well. Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about.Muslims: listen up my bearded and veily friends! Calm down, ok? Stop blowing stuff up. No Read more:Marcus
, rants
Christian pick up lines 2007-08-04 19:26:00 Hey, Christian
s must date too! :-)1) Nice bible.2) I would like to pray with you.3) You know Jesus? Me too.4) God told me to come talk to you.5) I know a church where we could go and talk.6) How about a hug, sister?7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.8) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug.9) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11.10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?12) I am here for you.13) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry." How about dinner?14) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.15) Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight?16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman (man) that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?18) Nice bracelet (WWJD). What would Jesus date? I mean "do."19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?20) Have you ever tried praying a
I spent a good part of my life in ignorant bliss 2007-08-03 19:00:00 After nearly two decades immersed in Christendom I must concede to the idea that this life is simply a series of random events... but mathematically speaking there is sometimes pattern evident in chaos. These patterns can be sometimes interpreted as coincidences and luck. The more romantically natured people will fictionise such clusters of coincidence as divine intervention from a god who is pulling at the strings. Their God is a loathsome creature who 'allows' the most grotesque things to happen to its 'beloved children'. Any purely good god would have intervened and thought up a better way to make a set of toys to play with... without having to try melting them with a magnifying glass.I spent a good part of my life in ignorant
bliss. That's fine... at the time it felt fine. In the light of new information and a new mindset, I can see that it was a waste of time. I'll still live and die and will currently do things that will still seem to have been a waste of time in years to c
Masturbating really pisses Jesus off 2007-08-03 04:07:00 He had his wrist nailed so that we could exercise ours...Your sins are forgiven, but stop masturbating... it makes Jesus
angry 'cause he's forced into watching you do it in all his omnipresence. Enjoy the following Youtube I found at AtheistPerspective. Read more:Masturbating
Miracle statue of Jesus shoots sparks (Luckily it's not the chocolate one) 2007-08-03 00:49:00 Yep, it's Jesus
week on the Moth-Blog. It's not his birthday or his death/resurrection anniversary, but umm, well, maybe it's his bahmitzvah or baptism rememberance. You heard it here first folks.Crowd flocks to see spark shooting statue:A statue of Jesus Christ is causing a sensation at an art gallery after witnesses said they saw sparks shooting from its eyes. People are claiming the steel and bronze figure possesses miraculous powers and some visitors have taken to kneeling at its feet. The sculpture, created by artist Brian Burgess, is on display at the Liverpool Academy of Art. The steel and bronze work, titled 'Cleansing of the Temple', portrays an angry Jesus brandishing a whip ready to drive out the moneylenders from the temple. Academy manager June Lurnie says its one of the most controversial works ever displayed there. She added: 'Some people have said the portrait is evil and they can see sparks in Jesus's eyes. Others actually kneel down and go into a trance convinc Read more:shoots
LOOKIN' GOOD FOR JESUS MINI KIT 2007-08-03 00:30:00 Thanks again Snakechic (Blog contributor?). I don't know if this thing is a satire product or not! Body cream from Jesus? With sparkle? You're doing a pretty good sell if you can get preteens to theme their make up around a bearded middle-aged man rather than Bratz.Snakey - Children raised by 'the christian'...are getting a fair whack of christian marketing in order to get them interested...yeah ..OF COURSE 'the christian' knows how little interest the bible provides in this day & age... Have you seen these toys....? *smirk*"Redeems you in his eyes and takes the edge off sinning. Our glorious kit contains a mirrored Jesus statuette, vanilla nectar lip balm, Easter-Lily hand & body cream (with sparkle!) and a folding mirror compact."looking good for jesus product site
The Wiki History of the Universe in 200 Words 2007-08-07 06:01:00 The use of the amazing 'Snap Shots' preview tool on the blog makes this a very interesting read... just hover your mouse pointer over the words for more info....The WikiHistory
of the Universe
in 200 Words
or Less Quantum fluctuation. Inflation. Expansion. Strong nuclear interaction. Particle-antiparticle annihilation. Deuterium and helium production. Density perturbations. Recombination. Blackbody radiation. Local contraction. Cluster formation. Reionization? Violent relaxation. Virialization. Biased galaxy formation? Turbulent fragmentation. Contraction. Ionization. Compression. Opaque hydrogen. Massive star formation. Deuterium ignition. Hydrogen fusion. Hydrogen depletion. Core contraction. Envelope expansion. Helium fusion. Carbon, oxygen, and silicon fusion. Iron production. Implosion. Supernova explosion. Metals injection. Star formation. Supernova explosions. Star formation. Condensation. Planetesimal accretion. Planetary differentiation. Crust solidification. Volatile gas e
Random links, jokes and quotes I StumbledUpon 2007-08-10 03:10:00 Oh man.... another vice to keep me glued to the computer: Stumble Upon! One of those things I've neglected up til now because ya gotta attach it to your toolbar, but hey, it's the ultimate way to surf the Internet. I'd actually forgotten about 'websites' - I spend most of my time blog jumping nowadays. I like the interactivity of blogs, whereas websites seem like cold lonely places. I'm sick at home stumbling around the Net - here's a compilation of stuff I found, it'll save you some time. You can thank me later.Church Jokes:It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?".The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.".An exasperated mother, whose son was always get Read more:Random
, links
Veggietales - Veggie Fables 2007-08-10 02:52:00 I've always thought it kind of ironic that the Christian animation company Big Ideas would use vegetables as characters in their series Veggie
tales. I used to enjoy the show to some degree. I thought it had some wit about it. Nowadays, I wouldn't touch them. Unless cooked or boiled.None of the characters have arms... they have mouths and stuff, but I guess arms and legs takes away from the concept that they're vegetables, I guess. I think it sends two other messages also: 1. Christians are mostly 'armless, and 2. Our characters can't masturbate, although you will find one veggie doing just that in one of the following videos:Warning! Both these vegetale parodies will offend the more 'precious' Christian types.TV Funhouse - ReligetablesUploaded by PigLips
Did James Cameron find the actual tomb of Christ's Family? 2007-08-08 20:06:00 Yes!Like Lazarus, the Jesus phenomena did seem to miraculously bring Cameron
's career back from the dead.1 Corinthians 15:7 states: "After that, he (Christ
) was seen of James
; then of all the apostles." Pretty straight-forward prophesy, if you ask me.First Martin Scorsese won the Oscar, Then Paris Hilton goes to jail, and these historical coincidences always seem to happen in threes.The DVD got 4 1/2 stars on the Discovery Channel Store website, which is good enough for Mad Magazine.There was a wristband found inside that said, "What Would I Do?"NO!Scripture never mentions any "Uncle Irving."We know from the DaVinci Code that Mary Magdelene is buried in France.The site isn't listed in 1,000 place to see Before You Die, which you'd think it would be.Each casket is clearly stamped with the mortuary's website.One of the bodies is indeed "Jesus," but the surname looks like "Gonzalez."MAD Magazine 2007 Read more:Family
Movie Quiz 2007-08-08 20:00:00 80% The Movie QuizFilmCritic.com - Movie Reviews
The Whole Silly Flood Story (Down Under) 2007-08-08 07:50:00 The Land Down UnderEd Vinson asks just how far it is from Mt. Ararat to Sydney, and which of Noah's sons got stuck with herding all those numbats, wombats, platypi, and wallabies down there without mixing any rats in. G'day, Mate!KoalasThey live only in Australia. Their diet is so restricted--to a few subspecies of eucalyptus--that they're threatened now by destruction of the only kinds of trees they will eat. It's also hard to imagine them migrating. Over many generations they might slowly spread through an area--but travelers, they ain't.And when they did migrate over 9,000 miles, in a tiny herd from Ararat to New South Wales, eating a convenient trail of long-disappeared eucalyptus (which took how many years after the Flood to grow?), they left no trail of koala fossils behind. Click the banner to read the whole piece... Read more:Whole
, Silly
Jokes 4 Jeebus 2007-08-08 05:07:00 Doug Stanhope has already beaten me to it and set up a comprehensive thumbnail list of the best and funniest Christian videos at his site. "Religion is all about silly, made-up stories, so let's point the finger at it and laugh." Here's a classic stand-up comedy piece from his site that was also posted on Ex-Christian.net today. "Doug Stanhope - Would you Believe if...?"If you had never heard of the Bible and stumbled across it at a used book store... how quick would you recognise that as true? Would you say, "Yeah, yeah, the flood, the ark, this sounds incredibly true, this is exactly what I was looking for", you'd throw it in the trash would you not? Read more:Jokes
Children see, children do 2007-08-13 05:32:00 I think this video is thoroughly beautiful. Tragic but true - children see, then children do.NAPCAN, Australia's National Association for the Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect, launched a thought-provoking television/cinema campaign with "Children See, Children Do".
Bible Fight 2007-08-11 02:45:00 The game, which incorporates the style of the video game Mortal Kombat, features God, Eve, Noah, Moses, Mary, Satan, and Jesus, who "battle' it out to determine who is the "mightiest" of scripture characters. When one of the characters is injured, blood splatters off of them.The intro to the game reads: "(Holy music) In the beginning, there was a contest of strength amongst the most prominent figures in scripture to determine the mightiest. The tale of this great rivalry was thought lost forever. Until now."Once you've chosen a character for battle and continue to the arena, one of which is 'The Garden of Eden', the fight begins. The character Eve, for example, is scantily covered in leaves and detailed to be an 'attractive' female figure. Jesus' mother Mary holds baby Jesus while she uses her halo as a weapon, so on and so forth. The game is considered blasphemous, and an insult to the Christian religion by some... which makes it all the more fun.Some Christian Commentators:Chr
The (oldy but a goldy) Golden Rule 2007-08-10 19:16:00 This article was obtained from the Humanist Bulletin Spring 1997, Vol. 4 - No. 2If anyone should tell you that, without the benefit of Christian teaching, we would all lack the Golden
Rule, share with them the following:Do not to your neighbor what you would take ill from him.-- Pittacus, 650 BCEDo unto another what you would have him do unto you, and do not do unto another what you would not have him do unto you. Thou needest this law alone. It is the foundation of all the rest.-- Confucius, 500 BCEAvoid doing what you would blame others for doing.-- Thales, 464 BCEWhat you wish your neighbors to be to you, such be also to them.-- Sextus, a Pythagorean, 406 BCEWe should conduct ourselves toward others as we would have them act toward us.-- Aristotle, 385 BCECherish reciprocal benevolence, which will make you as anxious for another's welfare as your own.-- Aristippus of Cyrene, 365 BCEAct toward others as you desire them to act toward you.-- Isocrates, 338 BCEDo not do to others what
If YOU were God, what would you write in the Bible? 2007-08-10 08:34:00 From contributor Gordonliv:Hey, here's a thought...Suppose you yourself were God.You'd created a universe, a few billion stars, some solar systems, time, distance and all...Then on one of your planets (or - who knows? - maybe more than one!) you decide to create some intelligent, rational creatures who have big brains and control and dominion over the land they occupy. They're so intelligent that they can talk to you... and you to them. So you decide to give them an instruction book.What would you write in that instruction book?In my Bible - as Creator Of All Things - I'd give my intelligent, questioning, supplicant creations a lesson in physics.I'd explain gravity... how it keeps the solar system in equilibrium (at least for the time being). I'd explain nuclear fusion... how it keeps the Sun burning (again, at least for the time being). I'd also explain why I'd created Black Holes and Dark Matter, beacuase those ideas really would puzzle my intelligent creations. A nice, clear
Elvis probably didn't rise again 2007-08-16 04:39:00 August 16. The day the king died... Bless you, bless you very much.You ain't nothin' but a human,Sinnin' all the time,Just an ungrateful human,Sinnin' all the time,No, you don't deserve salvation,But you can be a friend of mine...Jesus is alive, Elvis
is alive. What's the difference? See here and the following for similaries:JelvisJesus walked on water. Elvis surfed (Blue Hawaii, 1965).Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members. Jesus was resurrected. Elvis had the famous 1968 "Comeback" TV special and many posthumous mall sightings. Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956) Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd. Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)Elvis surfed on water. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965) Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members. Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The G
Quotes I can relate to from recent ex-Christians 2007-08-19 09:06:00 I work in corrections, so I see a lot of people who have done bad things. I've learned that being professional and reasonable goes a lot farther when dealing with people then being rude and thoughtless. I've also learned that pretending to care does nothing for people. Commandments like "love your enemy" and "do good to those that persecute you" seem misplaced when dealing with dictators, sex offenders or serial killers. I should think that the Bible should say, "Be fair-minded and just with those who are your enemies. Respond with reason and integrity toward those who persecute you." That makes far more sense than loving your enemies. Bill JThe Christian faith served me for a time, albeit not very well. It kept me immaturely dependent upon an invisible God to guide my life and meet my needs when I should have shouldered those responsibilities myself. I would have saved a lot of heartache and grief had I done so. George R DavisEvery pre-Christianity religion (Osirian, Hinduism, Mithr Read more:Quotes
, Christians
66 Ways to Annoy an Atheist 2007-08-17 05:53:00 Atheist Hussy and The Rad Guy Blog found the following list from The Richard Dawkins forum (phew, everyone happy?) I've adapted my favourite 66 from the original 281.1) Ask them why they are bitter against God.2) Tell them that if there's no God, they might as well go out and kill people.3) Ask them to pray with you.4) Invite their children to go to church with you.5) Insist that there is a God, and show them where in the Bible it says so.6) Hide Chick tracts in clever places around their office.7) Tell them that the universe is too complex to "just exist," and must have been created by a God who "just exists."8) Make up statistics.9) End a discussion with "Well, I know you're smarter than I am, but I know I'm right."10) Accuse them of persecuting you.11) Post inane arguments on the Internet, and never follow up on them.12) After losing the argument say, "I pity you."13) Accuse them of willfully ignoring the "obvious truth."14) Tell him you don't care what you say or prove, you wi Read more:Annoy
, Atheist
Winding down, waxing poetic 2007-08-27 03:37:00 My zeal for blogs is waningrunning out of things to sayfor new ideas this moth is strainingI may post weekly - not every day I've found another addictionto vent and to expressfor voicing all my fact and fictionI find poetry is best When I stumble on Christian funniesI'll be sure to blog them hereyour comments will be always welcomeI'll reply, I'm always near Thanks for reading Read more:Winding
Rhetorical questions and random quotings 2007-08-24 21:41:00 The Bible says the Earth is flat round and the earth was created before the Sun - Wrong. I'm sorry bible, but you've failed to match up with what we can now work out with a telescope. Maybe in Bible version 2.0 we can fix that up. The bible is supposed to be full of answers, but I can't help but just find heaps more unanswered questions
. As Homer said while flipping through the Bible yelling, "This book doesn't have any answers!"It's a fun book but don't look to deeply:Eating naughty fruit cursed all women with a tight vagina that would hurt like hell when a baby is passed through it - yeah right. I know of women who have had babies with very little to no pain. Did they escape the curse? Will God get them? Seriously, childbirth sucks because it's a tight opening with lots of nerve endings and muscles. What? Did Eve have a vagina the size of a football? Poor Adam - he must have loved anal. The curse also caused man to have to work for their food, but I know of many rich playboy t
CaliPornication 2007-08-30 04:28:00 With a title like Californication it was never likely to be a TV show for all the family. But some critics have labelled the new Network Ten program offensive and pornographic.Wow, I can't tell you how much I love this show!! A broody 'Mulder' in a funny show with wanton nudity and sex. It's a great time for Hedonists.The American show debuted on Australian screens at 9.30pm on Monday night, and featured former X-Files star David Duchovny engaged in four sexscenes in the 40 minute episode.Yep, that's a pretty good ratio actually. Great to see David breaking the X-file typecast, although Fox Molder was a self-confessed porn addict in the show. David was also in a smoldering tv series for cable called the Red Shoes Diary, from memory.Ten billed the show as a fresh, edgy and sexy new drama, but some media commentators have called the show nothing more than pornography, while religious groups say it attacks the Christian faith. The opening sequence of the first episode depicted Duchov
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