Owner: Nothing to See here URL:http://chrisconline.com Join Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2007 03:21:19 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: An irreverent and irrelevant outlook on the world around us. People who want funny lolcat pictures or boring accounts of everyday mundane life, turn away now. Site statistics:Click here
Summer 50% Off 2007-07-25 03:22:00 Summer officially ended July 24th
The fourth week of July usually conjures up images of summer camp, swimming, vacations, back-to school shopping, amusement parks…
Dubya-tee-eff. Back to school shopping?
According to Yahoo, summer break is over and it is time to think fall. Forget about today, it is already yesterday. I don’t know why summer had to go, I don’t know, it wouldn’t say. Ringo penned it not me, but it is fitting.
So put away those shorts and beach towels kids, time to head to WalMart and buy some notebooks. Tomorrow is already here, and there is a sale; summer on discount baby. Can you say blue light special?
The rules of nature and the seasons like the one about summer containing August no longer apply. Maybe we aren’t warming up the planet. Instead we are giving it ADD. Mother Earth is being rushed by our need to blast at light speed to the next holiday, and she probably is watching too much television as well. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to give the pl Read more:Summer
My Television Show Concept 2007-07-23 04:59:00 Everyone that writes comedy or humor has something cooking in their brain for television or the big screen. Howard Stern had his pay per view specials. The old New Year’s Eve ones were classics. Bobcat Goldthwait had his sitcom about a puppet only one person can hear. I really think that one was some kind of metaphor for masturbation but I have a twisted and devious mind.
If you think I am exaggerating about that fact then strap in.
My concept is a reality show in the hidden-camera genre, niche, whatever. Most of these are always either played on a celebrity or a few ‘average Joes’. Many of them also involve some kind of funny gag that everyone but the target is in on. I want to try a different approach.
'The Cringe' is a hidden camera show where instead of a joke or a gag, the attempt is made to make the situation uncomfortable and awkward. Not only that but the ‘joke’ if you will, is played on a group of people, like at least 20-30.
Watching a person react to a pr Read more:Television
, Concept
Tree Man Bank Robber Bad Joke Contest 2007-07-20 16:47:00 Note the street the bank was on-this is real not photoshoppedAs you can see in the photo, a man with tree branches duct-taped to his body successfully robbed a bank in Manchester, NH a couple of weeks ago. Well, it was successful until he got home and was promptly arrested. You can read about it HERE.
So I thought why not have a silly contest?
And here it is...
The Tree Man Bank Robber Bad Joke Contest
!
Leave your bad joke about trees, forests, whatever related to trees in the comments.
The rules are simple…
-You can post no more then five bad jokes but you cannot qualify with more then one.
-There must be a reference to something to do with a tree, forest, etc.
-Once the contest is over I will pick my three favorite jokes and announce the winners.
Prizes will be the slight boost to your ego knowing you won a contest on a web blog that boasts a readership of about fifteen (but you are my fifteen most-favorite fans. Have I told you lately that I love you?).
Contest ends
How to Pick Up Women Tip #142: Metro Asshole 2007-07-20 02:11:00 Apparently, a lot of young men are into the ‘metro’ thing. I call it acting gay, and I don’t mean that as in the slang version of stupid. Why someone would want to volunteer to be discriminated against and harassed is beyond me. Perhaps it is stupid.
So I got to thinking. I know that is always dangerous, but I am a risk-taker. Once I threw a glass bottle in a regular trash can. I know I know God kills a hippy every time that happens and I do wish it were lawyers that bore the brunt of his anger. But like in every essay I write, I digress.
You have this metro thing, which turns women on for some bizarre reason. I know you ladies like some sensitivity out of us men but this clearly crosses over into the realm of a lack of a backbone. I would like to believe most women still want a little bit of that tough guy/protector/rock of Gibraltar too. Maybe times have changed so much that people today have some kind of way of looking at someone and being able to say gay or metro, I don Read more:Women
Comic of the Week: Classic Edition Eddie Murphy 2007-07-19 06:33:00 This week I thought I would take trip down memory lane with the Comic
of the Week post. In this edition we revisit EddieMurphy
'Delirious'. I included the 'Cookout' bit of course. Sorry for the repeat of the end of the third video on the beginning of the fourth. It was the only way to capture the whole of the bit.
Read more:Classic
, Edition
, Eddie Murphy
Global Warming Headlines 2007-07-18 07:03:00 You have all seen the gloom and doom stories and headlines in the mainstream media about global warming, or as they like to say nowadays: climate change. Well, they do it for the money, but what about other sources, ones that aren’t considered news or science? How will they look to ride the rainbow of Gorebal Warming Theory all the way to the pot of gold?
Cosmopolitan: “How to tell if Global
Warming is impacting your Relationship”
Sports Illustrated: “Swimsuit Shoot Moving to Alaska in 2050”
Family Circle: “Ten Great Recipes for a Summer Barbeque in a Warmer World”
Travel: “Ten Hot Artic Vacations for 2020”
PC Magazine: “New Software Uploads Carbon Emissions”
Better Homes and Gardens: “Sequestering Carbon at Home”
Good Housekeeping: “Great Recipes for Year-Round Outdoor Grilling”
Men’s Health: “Staying Buff for Longer Summers”
Hustler: “How to Pick Up Chicks that Are Into Global Warming
”
Teen: “Like is Dashboard Confessional Gonna
The Three Story Beer Funnel from Hell Conclusion 2007-07-16 16:09:00 Building a beer funnel like this is a recipe for disaster.*To read Part One of 'The Three
Story Beer Funnel
from Hell' CLICK HERE*
There it was our addition to college folklore. What looked like a plastic tube dangling from the great beyond with an on/off switch over a 50 gallon trash became our signature. The only thing left was to determine the specific dangerous quantity of Golden Anniversary beer the funnel would accommodate. (I always recommend cheap beer for funnels of this size. The store was out of Natural Light that day I think.)
“So how many beers you think this will hold?” I asked.
“I don’t know, 3 or 4.”
The correct answer was six-and-a-half beers. Not just a six pack mind you, but half a beer more. As if six hours of alcohol processing wasn’t enough, we threw in an extra half an hour. The best part was the instant gratification of consuming half a night’s intake of beer in less then one minute.
I have to say we were cutting edge, we saw that trend com
Changing My Posting Schedule 2007-07-14 01:33:00 Nothing to See Here will be going to the following schedule beginning next week:
Monday-Weekly Humor Column
Tuesday-X
Wednesday-Humor post
Thursday-Comic of the Week
Friday-Humor post
Sat, Sun-X
In other words, one less post a week and Comic posts move to Thursdays. Wednesday's and Friday's entries will be longer and more essay/column-like as much as possible. Read more:Changing
, Posting
, Schedule
AI 2007-07-12 07:07:00 So I stumble across this interesting and creepy video of Jules the AI robot/android. Usually I don’t do YouTube video stuff but this is very interesting.
Here is a video about sexuality
Isn’t that creepy? I know it’s a computer and it is programmed for all possible avenues of social interaction but you have to wonder how it comes upon this line of thinking.
This is the video about Jules’ issues with leaving his programmers for the university.
In this short, he’s saying goodbye to his creators before being turned off and shipped to some university. I love how he cuts people off when he speaks sometimes in all of these videos, like people do. How the hell do you program that?
Now after seeing this last video, the first thing I am thinking is mess with the android. He thinks that when he is turned back on he will be someplace else. Move him to a different room or change the room’s interior look. Bring some people in he hasn’t seen before and pretend he is in h
The IPhone 2007-07-11 17:24:00 Follow the white rabbitGreat, one more piece of tech people can whip out of their pocket or purse every thirty seconds. But this is not done to check out a great video on the web or search for a good recipe for chicken. It is to see if you got a phone call. It vibrates, it rings, yet if you don't physically look at the phone you might miss a call.
Apparently, we all believe our eyes have the magical ability to make people call you just by staring at your cell phone screen, like some kind of hypnotic power. You are getting sleepy, very sleepy. Then your Razr rings and wakes you up. The phone Matrix has you man.
So is it safe to say we have a cell phone addiction? I guess that is like saying managed health care isn’t quite health insurance, or that Michael Jordan was a pretty good basketball player.
Imagine if we acted this way twenty years ago. There you are at home, lifting up your landline rotary phone receiver and saying “hello”. It didn’t ring but you pick it up on th
Answering Yahoo Answers 2007-07-10 14:42:52 Ah, what a fun concept. Because I have no backbone, I will not be posting my answers to the actual question but rather here where they won’t be subjected to the scrutiny of political correctness. I also have an email account that’s been there for about nine years and I don’t want to get banned.
The questions are all real.
“I am 15 years old and sadly im an alcoholic i juss recently got caught for the first time in 2 years and i now am tryin to stop so what are ways i can get over it with out meetings or phone meetings??? I need help bad”
Yes you do because at fifteen there are clearly no problems worth drinking over. Get clean and sober and wait until you are an adult with real issues. You will find the habit to be much more fulfilling then as you most likely will struggle with financial matters and annoying children. I know people say alcoholism can kill you but it’s a lot more fun to die of that as opposed to a heart attack. But not when you are fifteen.
“How Man Read more:Yahoo
The Three-Story Beer Funnel from Hell: Part One 2007-07-09 04:33:00 This is NOT how to make a three-story beer bong. Trust me on this.When I was in college I was in a fraternity.
In our fraternity house we had a beautiful three story grand wooden spiral staircase. Well, it was sort of spiral, not like something you find in a lighthouse. Somewhere along the line one of us had a crazy notion to create the ultimate beer funnel that would traverse the distance between the third floor and the first. In essence it would be a three-story beer funnel. Guinness World Book of Records did not return our calls.
I stared up the expanse of the three flights and wondered how long it would be before someone died.
So the construction plans were drawn up.
‘Ok, we need 30 feet of clear plastic tubing…a funnel…some way to secure it all to the staircase…a garbage can in case people puke…and an on/off switch.” Fellow brother J declared.
“An on/off switch? What’s the point?” I interjected.
“Dude it’s too big to set-up like a traditional funnel Read more:Three
, Funnel
Happy Fourth of July…see you Monday 7/09 2007-07-02 04:00:00 Nothing to See Here is officially on vacation this week. On behalf of my minions still working during the holiday week keeping the site up and running, I wish you and yours a safe and happy Independence Day. Don’t go and blow your hand off playing chicken with M-80’s. Remember, drinking and watching fireworks ok, drinking and lighting off fireworks means keeping 911 on speed dial.
So to keep you entertained while I am away, I present to you a list of some of the writing I did over at Associated Content. Some of it is serious, some is funny. Come here and read one a day, or all of them at once, I don’t really give a crap. I leave your reading habits to yourself.
Enjoy the reading and the holiday everyone, I’ll see yah next week.
The Worst TV Series Ideas Ever
My parody of bad tv show pilots. Read the comments and notice how many people thought they were real.
34 Minutes Vanished; My Top Ten Horrific YouTube Videos
My Top Ten YouTube Dare You to Watch Videos
Once a mon Read more:Happy
, Monday
Comic of the Week: Erica Doering 2007-06-29 05:33:00 I like this comic. She's funny, thinks about odd things. My only question is why change the Candyland bit? The first clip has the earlier version, the second clip a more developed version. But is it better?
Candy LandAdd to My Profile | More Videos Read more:Comic
, Erica
The Antisocial Commentary Release Party! 2007-07-27 03:34:00
I'm always late to parties, and so here is an unscheduled post in honor of fellow humor blogger Diesel and his upcoming book "AntiSocial Commentary". Now while most are praising him, I post to bury Caesar. In honor of his publication, he deserves a review Humor-Blogs style.
In other words, a good old fashioned Roast.
The book is not even mildly amusing and as it turns out substitutes for toilet paper in a pinch. Of course I am not suggesting degrading yourself by having to use that as opposed to say, leaves or the cardboard toilet paper roll itself. But in case you ever run out and you are not Sheryl Crow, you have backup. It doesn’t matter what page you rip out first, the first, the last, whatever. It is not like it makes sense anyways.
The drivel inside surely must have been created by a drooling human with an extra chromosome and severe fetal alcohol poisoning. Actually, I should apologize and take that back because the comparison is insulting to people with those condition Read more:Release
, Party
Free Summer Activities in Nowhere Idaho 2007-07-27 02:28:00 "Nowhere
is no different”-the town's official slogan
Summer
is just heating up here in good old Nowhere and here is what we have in store for the residents of our glorious community. Any of you fine folk that wish to visit are encouraged to join in the festivities but please be sure to book your hotel room early as the twenty we have sell out right quick.
Summer Movies in the Park
Uncle Linus carts the town’s only HD television to the town square every Saturday night with top-notch family entertainment for your viewing enjoyment. Some of the films scheduled include: Trolls II, Ishtar, Best Defense, A Star is Born, and Curly Sue, all in high-quality VHS. Admission is free and you are advised to bring a blanket and/or chair as seating is limited. Please be mindful of the extension cords.
Cat Milking Seminar
The community animal shelter will be hosting a clinic on the proper way to milk your cat on August 4th. Celebrity guests scheduled to attend: Patrick Duffy, the car from Kn Read more:Idaho
Letters We Get Letters 2007-08-01 03:16:00 You ask strange questions.The title comes from somewhere and it escapes me. All I know is I didn’t make that up. Nor did I create these letters to the site.
Some of you have emailed some really interesting stuff by the way. I especially liked the vial of urine and dried-up dog poop.
Sorry, I’m not into exotic foods, but thanks anyway.
Dear Nothing to See Here,
I think your site sucks. After the third article I read, I began pulling out my testicle hair to help forget the painful memories of your unfunny material.
Signed,
Bald Balls in Boston
Wow, and I do that for fun. But I’m sure you will keep reading, well until your nuts are bald. Good thing I don’t post on the weekends eh?
Hey, were you the one who sent me the urine?
Dear Nothing to See Here,
What is the best way to hard boil an egg? So many people often give me conflicting advice and it’s making me have trouble sleeping.
Signed,
Helpless in Harrisburg
My best advice to you is to buy pre-hardboiled eggs Read more:Letters
The Milk Gallon Challenge 2007-07-30 16:33:00 Milk...does the body good, except when you drink a lot of it quickly.When you were in a fraternity and had pledges, days like this one back in college were inevitable. One fine afternoon, two of our prospective members were arguing with a few of the brothers about the viability of drinking a gallon of milk in an hour.
Naturally this turned into an evening of drinking, us downing beer, and the two plebes chugging milk.
To set the premise, the human body is only able to digest foods and liquids at a certain rate. The more something has to be broken down and processed by the body, the less you can ingest at a time. Water, for example contains few nutrients and is constantly being absorbed by the body so it passes quickly. The fat rate in foods and drink also impact this.
Whole milk however, is a whole different animal. The body cannot process a gallon of it in an hour. It is physically impossible and you will puke up the extra. Ok, let me clarify something here. If you sipped on mil Read more:Challenge
Tree Man Bad Joke Contest Results 2007-07-30 16:22:00 The winners of my first-ever contest here at Nothing to See Here are...both entries!
Since we only had two entrants, they are both winners. It would be hard to pick a top three out of two people.
So congrats to Diesel and the person from wtfis.com for winning. Here were their entries (I picked what I felt was Diesel's best one out of all he submitted):
Diesel: "This is all a big misunderstanding! All I said was that I needed them to wire some money to my branch."
wtfis.com person: "He probably would have camouflaged himself better here: (with a link to the Bank of Forest)"
Congrats again to you two, you are winners of nothing! But you won right? At the least you can say you actually won a contest in life. Nobody has to know the details right? Read more:Contest
Comic of the Week: Mike Birbiglia 2007-07-26 02:51:00 Back to present-day for Comic
of the Week. This time around it's a very talented man who's on the rise in comedy and someone who has the same style of humor as I do. Enjoy.
BONUS WEEKEND POST: Nothing to See Here's First Video Ad 2007-08-04 02:36:00 Being the marketing-minded person I am, I created my first ad for the blog. It's stills, but I tried to put some implied motion with the transitions, panning, and music tempo.
It is called 'Attack of the Blog Zealots'.
Music is by Peter John Ross and I dropped the track in AFTER everything was edited. I actually had a different track in and it was finalized. But as an afterthought, I thought why not try a different song.
Very odd how it matched up so well. When I first previewed it I was like "ok, this is creepy" because it synched so well.
I'll keep you no longer...enjoy :)
IE's newest version has an issue with embedded wmv files. Right Click HERE to directly download it.
So what do you think?
I'm the zealot by the way.
EDIT
I've made another version with a different slant. After I posted the first one I started thinking what the hell are blog zealots anyway? I think this second version defines them more. They are the people who try to get those offline to l Read more:Nothing
, First
Six Million Dollar Real Life Man 2007-08-03 02:11:00 Now that this has been introduced, it is just a matter of time before there will be the capability to build a real-life bionic man; a real Steve Austin.
One of the greatest heroes of television could be me someday soon
For those of you too young to experience the phenomenon that was the Six Million Dollar
Man, it was the television show in the 1970’s about a test pilot for the government who got into a horrific crash and they replaced his eye, right arm and both his legs with bionic limbs.
I know what you are thinking right now: “both legs removed. Hmm I wonder…” I will stop you right there and say yes, he had no problems going to the bathroom.
I had that lunchbox as a child
But this guy on the show he could lift rocks, jump real high, see small insects a mile away and even fought Bigfoot. Fuck you Chuck Norris. Steve Austin would beat you like a rented mule and then he’d let Sasquatch have a few rounds. How can you roundhouse kick when there’s a giant fur paw swipi
Comic of the Week: Fraser Young 2007-08-02 03:02:00 Fraser Young is a very funny comic from Canada, which has exported many good ones over the years. The trend continues. His humor style is a bit odd and reminds you of Norm McDonald a little bit. Nothing wrong with that.
There are only two clips because between them, you've got about seventeen minutes.
If you want to see these comics where you live, call your local comedy club and request them. The more that do, the better chance they have of being booked.
Fraser Young's website
Read more:Comic
, Fraser
Evil In A Formal Life 2007-08-06 02:23:00 Evil or lacking sunshine?People say I am pessimistic and by happenstance recently, a new word has broken onto the literary landscape: negaholic. It is someone who always brings a negative and pessimistic viewpoint to everything. They are never positive.
But I am much more then that. I am deeper then that. It is shallow of oneself to simply be negative without not taking it further into something twisted and yet at the same time, annoying and funny.
I am evil, and it probably stems from a former life of evilness.
At Christmas time, when I am going to my car and someone is following me for my parking spot, I meander around for four or five parking lanes and see if they keep up. Having the car keys out and looking like you are almost there helps too.
I tried out The Sims, that people simulator from EA that tries to be like life if we all were rich and famous or at least white and male. I kid, I kid. You can be either male or female.
From the day I booted it up, I was laughing hys
Bonus Post: Thank You 2007-08-05 02:25:00 Don't get used to this weekend posting folks! I just don't want to use these kinds of entries in place of actual humor content. So I slip them in on the blog's off days.
With the site coming up on its 100th post, I just want to make sure I say this if I don't get the chance to...
THANK YOU!
Thank
you visitors for your support. Granted, about 90% of the people immediately leave like I am the internet version of AIDS, but 10% of you stay. And it's not all the same ones every day, so slowly but surely new visitors are coming here daily and checking out the content.
Thank you Jason Tarr for adding me to your links section. It really is an awesome thing to have a professional comic come visit and say hi and thanks for the support. But to add my site to your links page? I can't say thank you enough.
Thank you fellow Humor Blog bloggers. You make up most of my repeat readers and I am privileged and honored to be a part of the fine community over there. I won't list everyone by Read more:Bonus
Comic of the Week: Rob Paravonian 2007-08-09 15:10:00 Anyone who can use 'Canon in D' in a standup bit and make it work has to be funny. He speaks the truth too. That song's melody is used a lot in music.
Rob Paravonian's website
If you want to see these comics where you live, call your local comedy club and request them. The more that do, the better chance they have of being booked.
Read more:Comic
The Solution for Homelessness 2007-08-08 05:15:00 Paraside for the dwelling-lessHomelessness is a growing problem and nobody seems to want to do anything about it. I am not one of these people, I care. So I devised what I feel is a humane and fair way to solve the issue, while at the same time providing housing and the comfortable lifestyle homeless people are used to. It is a win-win for everyone.
Did I mention the costs are relatively low?
I introduce to you my state of the art concept: Hobo Haven.
When a homeless person first arrives at the island they are given a plethora of cardboard to create their very own modular home. They get the choice of any free plot of land on the isle and are free to construct their dwelling using any means they like. Generally, the inhabitants tend to group together, creating neighborhood or cliques as seen in the photo below.
There are no zoning laws in Hobo Haven however, so the homeless are free to design their dream property any way they choose. If they want to use duct tape to hold their mo Read more:Solution
My First Comic Strip 2007-08-10 02:29:00 Click the thumbnails for the full size images for Episodes #3-5.
Welcome to my newest creation....Licking Windows! The new comic strip at Nothing to See Here.
It's odd, it's strange, it's messed up. But it is mine. I did not draw it however, the art is a software program. The site is called toondoo.com and there is a ton of things you can use for your comics. I got inspired to do a few of these just skimming through all my options. Expect this strip to make a lot of appearances until I run out of material. These things are a lot of fun to make.
Enjoy five of the best I made Thursday.
Episode #1: 'Anger Management'
Episode #2 'Post-Nuke'
Episode #3 'Three Bears'
Episode #4 'Animal Intervention'
Episode #5 'Space'
Read more:First
, Comic
, Strip
Post Number 101 2007-08-10 02:21:00 The original logoMy first real milestone, surpassing one hundred posts.
Much like the time I made it past first base with Suzi when I was fourteen, it is a mark but also a stepping stone to more. Much much more.
To be honest, there are almost 200 posts, but those include when this blog was in its infancy and I posted about all kinds of things, politics, humor, sports. Then I settled in on what I do best: humor. And here we are.
Of course, getting to one hundred would not be possible without you, the readers and the fans. Thank you for being early-adopters of Nothing to See Here. Thank you for your support. I know there aren’t a ton of you, but the fact that there are some is impressive to me.
I don’t want to ramble on like Stevie Wonder at the Grammies, so without further ado, I present my list of the top ten posts/essays/columns.
10. Ten Great Mother’s Day Gifts
The classic staple of humor, a top ten list of gifts. The irony is some of these are actually real.
9. Ma Read more:Number
Recommend Site To A Friend
