Owner: Nothing to See here URL:http://chrisconline.com Join Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2007 03:21:19 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: An irreverent and irrelevant outlook on the world around us. People who want funny lolcat pictures or boring accounts of everyday mundane life, turn away now. Site statistics:Click here
Doctor N.C. Heere Answers Yahoo Answers 2007-08-15 17:05:00 Hello everyone, my name is Doctor
N.C. Heere, noted practitioner of unsolicited consultation. I have been asked to come here to 'Nothing to See Here' to assist Chris on the advice section of his fine blog. I told him I would be fine with dispensing my vast knowledge of advice to the fine people at Yahoo
Answers as I enjoy my retirement from the field of medicine jet-setting around the world and hobnobbing with the elite.
Today I pen this from the island of Bora-Bora, where a fine breeze is settling in and the local drunks unfortunately are passing by my commode. I really need a new travel agent.
Lets’ get started shall we?
How do you take care of a baby bunny when it has an almost broken neck and leg?
Singed,
Blind in Boxford
By my profession medical deduction I would answer this with a question: did you accidentally step on your pet bunny?
If the answer is yes, then I would say you are probably too stupid to care for anything beyond a cactus. It will be sad to see the bu Read more:Yahoo Answers
Licking Windows #6: Bad Career Day 2007-08-14 12:45:00 Part humor, part commentary on sports. Enjoy :)
The first five 'LickingWindows
' comic strips
Don't miss Alien Week Aug. 20-26!! Alien-themed columns, comic strips, even a stand-up alien comic!! I am not kidding!!!
Humor-blogs helps you live longer!! Read more:Career
People Do Weird Things 2007-08-13 15:11:00 This is very weirdLike the man in the photo, human beings have a lot of strange habits. I could probably create a blog dedicated to the subject, but seeing that there are 234,542,657,864,765,123,564 sites already I am pretty sure someone is blogging about it daily. Still, I press on with some of my favorites and ones that interest me most.
Pick their nose at a stoplight
Did you know over half of all Americans do this? And we worry about shaking hands with Sheryl Crow. It is like the interior of a car is being inside a magical invisible thing and nobody outside is able to see you. It is always best to wait until traffic is moving then you can make quick, tactical strikes with surgical precision into the nostril cavity. That is how I approach nose cleaning while driving.
Do you roll the toilet paper down from the inside or the outside?
This is an interesting one to me. Frankly, my concern is whether I wiped enough, not which side the paper rolls down. Now if you want to talk crease Read more:Weird
Comic of the Week: The Interloper-Alien Comic 2007-08-23 03:18:00 No, these are not comedy clips of Carlos Mencia ripping off other people's material. It is a person dressed up as someone from another planet doing standup. Interesting concept but I'm not sure how far this can go.
Interloper's MySpace page
If you would like to see these comics where you live, call your local comedy club and request booking for them. The more that do, the better the chances they have to perform locally.
Quickie Alien
JokeAdd to My Profile
Alien Warrior ComedianAdd to My Profile
Alien VS. HecklerAdd to My Profile Read more:Comic
Aliens and Math 2007-08-22 15:57:48 If sentient beings think like our scientists we are screwed, but I do not know if it is as much as a dropped call to Planet Zuranus, or as annoying as aliens in togas and sandals imitating Jerry Lewis and making fart noises. More on that last part Friday.
So, an alien ship flies all the way over to Earth. They must be very advanced in science which requires being good at math also if they made it to our planet. Since math is a language, why not talk to them using Pi.
If the aliens are dumb, if they are as good at math as the general human populace, there will be trouble.
Us: “Pi…Pi…Pi”
Glop: “Why they keep repeat stupid number! It not even whole! Ready planet destroyer weapon!”
Grim: “Die evil species!”
Us: “How come they don’t understand us? Perhaps their technology was build by someone else or they are French. Ah well, blow them up if they don’t surrender.”
If the aliens are super-smart, they might respond to us like this:
Grim: “…and I said Triliz Read more:Aliens
Aliens and Communication 2007-08-20 05:02:00 I find the title of this video funny because it is an oxymoron with a twist of over-the-top description words. People who don’t believe in aliens call these adjectives and adverbs with a twist of insanity.
“Most Genuine Alien Photos”
While I have an open mind that there is potential for life on other planets, it creates a paradox for us. If there are sentient beings out there, how does anyone go faster then the universe’s speed limit of light? We can not get to them and they cannot get to us. Perhaps we can send each other messages but how reliable would that be seeing that we are not always successful with a cell phone call to someone a town over?
Us: “We are going to bomb the crap out of you. Ha ha! We are such jokers on planet Earth. People always say a great way to start a conversation with a stranger is a good joke. So hello there Planet Z from Planet Earth!"
The message never makes it there in its entirety. Planet Z only received the first sentence and now they Read more:Aliens
Nothing to See Here Bible Code 2007-08-17 05:37:00 While doing an experiment where I wanted to make a post using random letters, I sensed there was more in the underlying message of those characters. Remembering about the methodology used to create the Bible Code, I applied it to my blog and my posts. The results were astounding. God was writing through me.
Like the Bible, this website’s posts contain a secret code.
Could it be possible? Could it be true? Yes, dear readers it is. There is a greater purpose behind this blog, one of divinity. I never knew my calling, but now it is seen. Amen.
Like the Bible Code did, through equidistant letter sequencing, I found messages about our society. The first one I came across was an astounding discovery.
In this set of letters, we find the following words as primitively circled by me: ‘Bush’, ‘Dubya’, ‘wrong’, ‘Iraq’, ‘nowmd’. Clearly, someone is trying to tell us something. At this point I am not sure if it is God or Captain Obvious. Both are pretty powerful.
My Read more:Nothing
Comic of the Week: Marc Ryan 2007-08-16 03:13:00 "Load up the stapler Todd!" From the moment these words are uttered you should be hooked on the comedy of this week's spotlight that is Marc Ryan. Enjoy :)
Marc Ryan's website
If you would like to see these comics where you live, call your local comedy club and request booking for them. The more that do, the better the chances they have to perform locally.
Read more:Comic
The Deck 2007-08-27 02:24:01 So I am building a deck. I know, some of you right now are thinking: “Chris, you live in an apartment”. Oh so I can’t build one?
Anyways, I go to the Super Hardware Store Megaplex to look at the wonderful advantage of this new-fangled plastic desk surfacing that lasts much longer then wood I have been hearing so much about. No staining, no sanding. If you chip the ‘wood’ anywhere, it’s the same color under the surface.
But then the decision gets difficult. A saleswoman asks me what color I want.
“What are my choices?”
“Well, there’s grey…” She pointed to a cheery lady with a clipboard at a desk in a well-lit area of the store.
“Grey? Sounds like a lame color.”
“Sir, it’s the most popular.”
“What about brown?”
“You want brown?”
“Yes, you know, like the color decks are usually stained in?”
“But grey is what everyone else wants.”
“Except me, I’d like brown please.”
“Fine, Come with me.” She huffed away annoyed but at leas
My Trip to Zuranus, an Alien World 2007-08-24 17:06:00 A few years ago, I was out walking my dog after dinner when it occurred to me: I don’t have a dog. But this was not as unusual as the beam of light that suddenly shined down on me. In seconds there was only white light, then it faded, like the flash of a camera. There I was face-to-face with aliens.
But they were wearing women’s clothing.
“Hello, I guess. Do you understand me?” I said half in shock at the site of aliens in dresses standing there on their alien starship.
“Yes we do, and hello.” One of them replied. “I am Grim and this is Glop. We are from the planet Zuranus. We have admired your world for some time now. Many of your rituals and beliefs have been incorporated into our society. Would you like to go there and see it?”
“Sure, but what is with the women’s clothing?”
”We are cross-dressers, much like many males of your species. They seem to enjoy it and we can see why. But I think I have a wedge.”
“You aren’t going to give me an anal probe Read more:Alien
, World
Comic of the Week: Brian Carter 2007-08-30 04:57:00 I like this guy. He's got an interesting delivery. Kinda dry but not, like I would like a martini if it didn't taste like goat urine filtered through a dirty t-shirt.
Brian
's MySpace page
As usual folks, the best way to get these talented comics to your town is to request them at your local comedy club.
Read more:Comic
, Carter
Attention Spammers....Attention Firefox Users... 2007-08-29 13:21:31 First to the spammer trying to get free advertising, your target market is not reading this blog, trust me on this. Do you think your customers read silly garbage like "What happens here stays in Zuranus"?
I would think your product caters to a more refined crowd, one that would snub their noses at the likes of me. To be in a situation where my website is more professional then your company is odd and I let them know about this issue a few minutes ago via email.
Note: I wanted to come back and add that I do apologize if 'threedoors' legitimately came here and was just commenting on my stuff. Most times, when someone comments four times in ten minutes, uses their company name instead of their own, leaves comments just short enough to get their URL on the comments summary section of the front page, and leaves the company info in their signature they are spammers.
If you are looking for advertising, we can talk. If you want to comment here please don't do what I said above. Come h Read more:Firefox
Gym Shoes and Sales Jobs 2007-08-29 13:04:00 Back in 2001, I tried out the business world for six months. The job I held was a sales position at a company in New Jersey that sold Irish products to stores in America. I learned two lessons there.
The first is that there are two types of Irish products: gifts Americans think Irish people want for gifts, and Irish goods and products Irish people actually want.
I don’t mean to offend anyone; my relatives are of that nationality. I am also part as well. So then it is ok to give a person from Canada a shot glass from Niagara Falls? Of course not but a lot of people would. Shamrock socks are not a great Christmas gift for someone from Ireland.
Anyways, throughout the year, we would pack up a van with our products and schlep to a sales show, usually at a big hotel. Once there, store owners from across the country would peruse our products and place orders while there.
This time we were headed to Illinois, a sixteen-hour trip. It was also the day after 9/11. That was eerie becaus Read more:Sales
Vote for me in Diesel's Caption Contest...please? 2007-08-28 16:15:00 The Contest
and Poll
Well, even a blind squirrel gets a nut.
I finally made the finals of one of Mattress Police's Caption
Contests. These things are not really my strong suit at all. I could write a 300-word parody using a picture but as far as one-liners, there is my weak spot.
If a terrorist held me hostage and demanded I do funny captions or be killed, I'd just take the gun and do it myself. I've seen how some of these guys operate and frankly, I trust myself to get the job done right more then them.
Anyways, I call upon you, my minions of Nothingness to go forth and vote for me. Or not. I leave the choice up to you, all I can do is ask. If you do, please don't play games and rig the voting. If I win I want to do so fairly.
Thanks for your support my faithful army of followers. Read more:Caption Contest
Corn Flakes 2007-09-03 03:21:56 They look harmless...One of the best things I liked about being in the fraternity I was in was that we were very good at messing with our recruits in time-honored and classic tests of their trust in us. One of these methods is affectionately known as the ‘Corn Flakes
’ game.
The funny thing was, the pledges bought into it. Not because they were drunk, but rather that we were aware of the notion that sleep deprivation is very helpful to messing with people. We were fun like that. We would call them up at all hours, just to wake them up for no reason. We would round them up at three am to do something stupid like run around the fraternity house naked six times then send them back to their dorm rooms.
The game began with the customary lining up of the pledges along the ‘wall’ after a heavy night of drinking by us. Not them, just us. By limiting the pledges to alcohol we not only insured minimal problems but had designated drivers for the weekends. When we did get in trouble it
Weekend Bonus Post: Blog Day 2007 2007-09-01 05:57:00
Yesterday I was included in Polliwog's 'Blog Day' 2007 post, for which I am very grateful. Since she has been nice enough to do this I thought why not do the same thing. I am just a day late that's all.
The concept is simple, find five blogs that I am reading for the first time, ones that I would want to recommend for the readers here. They really should call this 'find five blogs you haven't ever been to that don't suck and nobody knows about'. It was a challenge, that is for sure.
So here we go, the blogs are randomly ranked...
1. Comics Make No Sense
You have to love a blog that makes fun of moments you missed as a kid in comics. The author has some really funny comments. A nice extra is that it is a quick read which makes it perfect as a wake-up blog. Just don't drink coffee while viewing.
2. Captain Picard’s Journal
This blog had me at the picture of Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman. Anyone that can tie her into a Star Trek post has my attention. I like the angle t Read more:Weekend
, Bonus
I was a Victim of Child Labor Abuse 2007-08-31 03:07:00 No one ever told me about Upton SinclairFor years children have been exploited to manufacture some of the products we buy. They get paid meager wages, work long hours in factories that aren’t well-ventilated, and with no lunch break. No recess either. Imagine your child denied of the playground. It is absolutely terrifying.
While the notion of seeing ten-year old Chinese children making the shower curtain I bought at Wal-Mart the other day is not pleasant, it is an eye-opener for me on a whole different level. Why the hell are they paying them as much as they do?
What kid wasn’t a go-fer for their parents growing up? What did I get for having to go to the store ten times a day for my lazy mom? A freaking dollar a week! Keep in mind this also included having to make my bed, clean my room, and make sure the Jesus statue was always facing the 38th parallel. Making shoes would have been like summer camp in the context of my childhood.
I cannot tell you the amount of times a fun p
2,000 Visits Later You Get to Be the Columnist 2007-10-01 04:44:52
Like a virus, my brand of humor is exponentially spreading to more and more hosts. But where would I be without you, my very very awesome fans. Some of you are new. Some have been supporting me since I began the blog back in March. I love you all the same, like a mom with three kids except I mean it. She is full of shit, she has a favorite. But thankfully for me therapy does wonders so here I am.
I could try and name everyone who has been along for this odd and twisted ride but I don’t want to forget anyone. Some of you have been here when it was just news parodies and making fun of Jackie Mason videos on YouTube for not being funny anymore. You deserve to be mentioned after suffering through my early work. If I miss one of you who muddled through the rapture of the before time of Nothing to See Here that would be very unfair.
But to be fair to myself, some of them were gems like this one and this one. The phone idea came from a bar regular at work with a really loud push to ta
Yard Sale Monkey 2007-09-28 06:09:24 $20 for a rampaging monkeyA while back I had a strange thing happen to me. I was checking out a local yard sale and there it was, a living, breathing monkey smoking a cigarette with a post-it note on its forehead that read: “$20”.
“Excuse me are you really selling a monkey?” I asked the old man that was in charge of the second-hand sale.
“That’s right.” He replied as he spit a wad of tobacco on the grass. “You wanna buy it or what?”
“I’m not sure my lease allows it. And it has a smoking habit.”
“He has a job, he buys his own smokes.”
I woke up the next day noticing something was odd about my monkey. He looked different. I mean he was the same just that something wasn’t quite right.
The third day I figured out what it was: my monkey was growing and the change has suddenly become exponential. He also required more and more food, which was becoming a big problem, especially with rent due soon.
After a week, my monkey was huge, and I had to keep him o
Humor Bloggers Speak: Diesel from Mattress Police 2007-09-27 09:00:00 Welcome to our first edition of ‘Humor
Bloggers Speak’, the bi-weekly exclusive interviews of humor blogs. We are joined today by Diesel from MattressPolice
. He is webmaster for the highly-successful Humor-Blogs directory as well as the author of a very funny book ‘Antisocial Commentary’.
Chris: Welcome Diesel. How’s everything going?
Diesel: Visibility is only about 300 yards right now, but I'd say that everything within that range looks ok. I think there might be some bad shit going down behind me though.
C: What really popular blog do you hate the most and why?
D: This is going to sound like a cop-out, but I really don't hate any blogs. In the introduction to Antisocial Commentary (which I noticed you have a link to on your site, so thanks!), I originally had a slam on Dooce, but when I was editing it I thought, "Why am I slamming Dooce? The only thing I have against her is that she's way more popular than me." I don't want people slamming me just for being po
King Alfred Speaks Again 2007-10-12 02:11:00 The reclusive King Alfred
, Lord of Nowhere Idaho is back in the conclusion of the two-part series on his thoughts and insights. He is the last remaining member of royalty in our fair town. None the less he is crazy.
In the first part, we got introduced to Alfred and his kingdom. In the final part we will look at his views on racism and religion.
King Alfred on Racism
King Alfred on Religion
Note: These videos were filmed by Mark Battle of Sweven Films.
humor-blogs.com has no knowledge of the whereabouts of King Alfred. But if you click the link you will find laughs. Read more:Again
RL Guest Post: Role Models 2007-10-11 12:14:00 It is time for another of my guest posts over at Radioactive Liberty. As usual, I take on a topic and give it my usual snarky humor angle. As always it is about politics and society.
This time around I tackle the concept of role models and how some of the bad ones are really misunderstood. Che really was a great guy right?
Note: The post will be up later on today. Got a late start in getting into the editing room. Read more:Guest
Introducing King Alfred, Duke Of Nowhere 2007-10-10 17:12:00 During a local film shoot a few years back, myself and a few friends managed to catch footage of reclusive King Albert, the Duke of Nowhere
.
But America has never had kings you may say. Little do you know that one town in the United States was under monarch rule until the 1950's. That place is of course Nowhere, Idaho.
Albert was the last ruling king before the US Constitution was finally ratified in 1952. He was only five years old at the time, but his legacy remains as the last of the Mohegans in a sense.
Today, King Albert wanders the streets, mostly around the town square and Veterans Park. An unusual thing about our park is that instead of veterans, there are usually homeless people trying to dry-hump and grop each other.
This is the first of three videos of his Lordship. In it Alfred
talks about his kingdom, his subjects and growing up as a Prince. Because of his viewpoints, he is often consulted by the local government leaders. When they can find him of course.
On Frid Read more:Introducing
Humor Bloggers Speak: Howard from The Web Pen Blog 2007-10-09 07:02:00 Welcome to another edition of “Humor
Bloggers Speak”. Every other Tuesday I interview an author from the fine assortment of funny people on humor-blogs.com.
We are joined today by Howard
from The Web Pen Blog. He is also a member of Monkey’s Uncle, an improv comedy group out of Denver, Colorado.
Chris: Welcome to the feature Howard. How are you doing?
Howard: Hey, dude. Feelin' groovy. Just snorted an entire jar of Vicks Vapor Rub. Whoa! My computer screen just turned plaid! Nah-ah-ah-ah. Bitchin'!
C: What do you think is the worst Halloween costume?
H: Homemade ones. C'mon, the economy is on its way down again. Buying a pre-made costume ensures our country's economic stability. And if you still decide to make your own, guess what? You're still making more than those poor Asian children.
C: Does it smell like snow?
H: I'm sure I don't know what cocaine smells like. Do you, Chris? Maybe from your frat days? Need I notify Homeland Security?
C: Great taste or less
Top Ten Reasons to Live in Nowhere, Idaho 2007-10-08 21:09:00 Recently, Nowhere
’s Chamber of Commerce determined that the community does not get a fair shake when the annual list of the places to live comes out. Out of 34,567 towns to live in, Nowhere comes in at #28,453 for 2007.
This year a campaign is being formed to get the word out about living in this fine town. The first promotion is a Top-Ten list of reasons to live in Nowhere, but they are stuck at nine. Here is the list so far:
1. You don’t like people
Nowhere is perfect because the town is five hundred square miles wide and our zoning laws do not allow houses to be less then one mile apart from each other. In fact, there are more pets then people.
2. You like being Number One
Nowhere is the smallest town in the United States. We’re number #1! We’re number #1!
3. Lots of land
With the zoning ordinances you are likely to own several acres of land, perfect for burying the bodies of your victims if you are a serial killer.
4. You hate high-speed internet
Nowhere has hea Read more:Reasons
, Idaho
, Top Ten
, Top Ten Reasons
Monday's Post will be delayed 2007-10-08 03:14:00 Sunday was my last day at work. I am transferring to another location closer to home. I rarely talk about my job on the blog because let's face it, work is pretty boring unless you are an astronaut or navy diver.
But three years with the same group of people brings up emotions and a fun send-off. I am a waiter and close to the end of my shift, a bunch of the employees gave me a card. As I was reading it at the bar, two people came up behind me and I got the whip cream pie times two. Then they got me again. Both times I was not expecting it. A total set-up. The customers at the bar loved it.
My head looked like a sundae. One of the cooks put a cherry on my noggin for the official picture.
So basically I am spent from the emotion and the send-off. Not to mention the Red Sox and the Patriots both won. When I was a kid my mom would always tell me to get a good night's sleep because i had a 'big day coming up'. This was a big day.
To top it off, I am right back to work at 10:40 Read more:Monday
, delayed
Oprah Announces Next Book Club Pick 2007-10-06 02:02:00 Akron, Illinois- Oprah
Winfrey has picked “Antisocial Commentary”, the epic novel by never-nominated Nobel laureate Rob ‘Diesel’ Kroese as her next book club selection. “If you love funny this book is the best non-story ever.” Winfrey said on her daytime talk show.
The novel by the American-born Diesel was published in 2007. Set amidst the local tallow plant in 1997, it tells the tale of nothing in particular and everything in general.
“It is so beautifully written that it really takes you to another wing of the tallow plant and will make you ask yourself how long could or would you wait for the bathroom to be vacated at a Cowboys game.” Winfrey said.
Rob ‘Diesel’ Kroese, age undisclosed, won the award for “Coolest Blog Ever Meme” in 2006. His most famous work remains “Antisocial Commentary”.
"Diesel truly one of our greatest living literary giants, and he’s hot" she said.
Winfrey noted that a film adaptation of "Antisocial Commentary" is sche
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