Owner: Old Dirty Blog URL:http://www.olddirtyblog.com Join Date: Mon, 23 Jul 2007 14:51:57 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: A sarcastic yet honest male view on sex, women, dating, adult humor, and everything else that comes along with it. Site statistics:Click here
Britney Spears, Please Be In My Movie! 2007-09-13 05:28:11 Dear Britney
,
After seeing your dazzling, artistically stunning performance at the Video Music Awards this weekend, and being stunned by the tautness of your body and voluptuousness of our bosom, I started thinking about you...sexually. But, by the time I had gotten halfway through zonking the zebra, all of the reviewers instantaneously began talking about how poorly you performed, and how a gerbil with head trauma could have put on a better act than you. As a lifetime fan of yours, I was shocked, and appalled by this.
From the looks of things, it may be looking like you might be in need of some work. Evidently one sub-par outing, and now no one wants to hire you. I know you've got children to support, and, with your families best interest in mind, I'd like to offer you some work.
You see, I am a young independent movie-maker and actor. I produce films that, while adult in nature, are sophisticated works of art. I can really see you excelling in one of my films, and thusly re Read more:Spears
, Please
, Britney Spears
Get Well soon... 2007-09-13 09:47:01 A friend of mine was in the hospital, so another friend of mine made this to cheer him up. So instead of sending him some cheesy ballons, I posted it here on Old Dirty Blog.
Get well soon bud....
You Look Like A Fool If She's Stll In High School 2007-09-06 06:40:24 While I give my two-thumbed approval of everything from anal sodomy to depraved orgies to banging your girlfriend’s mom, I think that it's about time I actually take an aggressive stance against something. This is a popular, en vogue sex practice that, for some reason, I just can't wrap my head around- and that's cradle robbing .
So that this doesn't become some kind of Megan's Law sob story, I am specifically targeting guys in the mid to late twenties who think it’s a solid idea to slap it around with high school chicks. You know, girls who, on a daily basis are enjoying things like study hall, pep band, and are members of the prom committee. Why certain guys are moved to spackle underdeveloped cooch with seasoned, college graduate-aged cock sauce is simply beyond me.
I understand it's thrilling to do something bad. Masturbating in the bathroom at work is bad. Even the Kansas City Doggystyle Shuffle or railing your boss’s daughter on his desk is bad, a Read more:School
, High School
Pork Her While Watching Pig Skin This Sunday 2007-09-05 05:49:13 This Sunday
, one of America's great traditions will return, and men everywhere will rejoice. After five long weeks of annoying, anti-climactic pre-season games, the NFL is finally back, and will present a full docket of gridiron glory for our collective enjoyment every Sunday- which, to any full-blooded American male, is a day reserved for drinking and mirth.
Oftentimes, however, your girl wants nothing to do with football. Be it estrogen or ignorance, it's hard to get them into the bone-crushing, awe-inspiring ritual that you love so dearly. Oftentimes, she'd rather spend her Sunday shopping, or baking things. How do you remedy this problem? It's simple. Promise to pound her box all Sunday afternoon. It can be done without missing a moment of pigskin action, and you can trust me since I’m an expert at this.
Bringing this coed over for some football will probably pay off as soon as she walks in the door. Tell her to dress “really casual , and hopefully she'll show Read more:Watching
Jerk It On The Can While You're Working For The Man 2007-09-04 05:04:07 While finding an unsavory woman to satisfy your sick urges is always the best option, launching your man rocket manually is a favorite activity of all true males. In fact, one of the defining moments in the life of a young man is that day he grabs a hold of his junk and starts pumping away like the apocalypse is eminent; but right ahead of that is the day when it all finally comes to fruition. You're blasting away, you get this weird feeling and next thing you know you're trying to clean off the couch before your mom gets home from church. It is this day when all other aspects of a young man's life become secondary to basting some harlot with your man gravy, or simply going to your closet and getting the job done yourself.
No matter how much loose ass I may score in a given week I always like to take matters into my own hands on an everyday basis. This is easy when I'm at home, as the internet has given us a bastion of filth on which we can feed daily, and it's not hard to
Superman Soars Over NYC 2007-09-28 05:34:49 This is one of my more regrettable tales, and, I sadly admit, it did not happen very long ago. My ability to consume monstrous amounts of fire water like I did almost nightly in college was tested recently when my buddy Brett and I decided it was a swell idea to go bar hopping in Manhattan. After a few not so great places filled with boisterous, overly perky glamazon chicks (see, Stuck up chicks piss me off) we came upon a tiny hole in the wall crapbox that advertised 25 cent beers. It was like Manna from heaven.
This nasty, watered down sludge actually didn't taste so bad after I had invested $2.75 (do the math). It was a very dark bar filled with highly questionable people. Since I only concentrated on pouring booze down my throat like prohibition was imminent, I did not get a good look at who else was in the bar other than Brett, who was equally as sloshed. What I'm trying to say here is, I had beer goggles that were about as thick as double plated glass, and things were about Read more:Superman
101 Reasons Why You're Not Manly 2007-10-16 07:25:58 There's a lot of talk nowadays about the whole nauseating phenomenon of 'metrosexuality' being no longer the 'in' thing to be, and I say good riddance. For too long have we, the common man, been subject to this over-gelled, fake and baked, fendi fanny pack wearing sub-species of man. I am thrilled that the powers that be have put an end to this scourge upon humanity once and for all. Anyone who still insisted on continuing this revolting lifestyle should be clubbed like a seal.
If you or someone you love is trying to wane themselves off this overtly feminine lifestyle fad, have no fear. Old Dirty Blog is proud to present to you a checklist that will help you overcome this brash sissiness, and bring back the manly cock-swinging sex commando that lies in all of us (well, almost all of us).
101 Reasons
Why You're Not Manly
:
101. After sex, you want to talk about your feelings, not quietly reminisce about how badly you just violated that poor girl.
100. You eat asparagus
99.
Blow a Load in her troposphere! Join the Mile High Club! 2007-10-12 02:57:50 This is really a long awaited blog for this site, and I bring it to you after preforming some exhausting research. Readers kept asking me why not blog about joining the mile high club? for weeks. But, I'll admit, I had never shagged anyone but good old Palmela Handerson while flying through the friendly skies before- until recently.
I decided to go perform some research and analysis before I broached such topics. So, I took a week off from work and bought some of the cheapest airline tickets available. After taking a couple of red-eyes to Minneapolis and other god-forsaken places, I didn't even find a passenger worth sticking in a upright, locked position. I realized then the first important lesson of attempting to join the mile high club: you need to be headed to a babe-heavy destination.
So, I boarded an evening flight from Chicago to Orlando. Once I arrived at O'hare international and got to my gate, I saw a slammin young lass wearing a mini skirt who looked like she was
A Horrific Night at Amherst 2007-10-10 10:54:48 Usually ODB is a place to read about deviant sexual acts that should land me on a nation wide blacklist for all college girls to read. However, I absolutely have to recount the events of my weekend at Umass Amherst. A high school friend D-Mac was heading back to his alma mater to booze for a halfway to St. Patrick's Day celebration at one of the local college bars. The plan is get loaded at the Umass bars on Friday night then return the next morning for and all day drink-a-thon at this one bar McMurphy's. He tells me it'll be a bastion of loose women, free shots and possible arrest. I'm emphatically in. I, D-Mac and his buddy Droopy set sail for Umass while putting down brass monkey's in the car. (For those who don't know, to make a brass monkey you get a 40 of malt liquor, drink about 8 ounces, and fill the remainder with orange juice. It's delicious). We arrive in Amherst, a true college town, check into our motel room, put down a few beers and take off for McMurph Read more:Night
Pass The Gravy and Stuff The Turkey This Thanksgiving 2007-11-21 06:48:46 We've all been there before. It's that lull between the servings of candied yams and dried beets, the football game is a blowout, and you're a little buzzed of four bud lights. You look at your lovely girlfriend next to you, with her supple bosom hiding behind a tight brown sweater, and her honeypot hiding under a mini skirt, and you know it's go time. You can almost hear Al Michael’s in the background encouraging you. You give her the look and unless she's a useless slam hog, she'll know that its time to execute the coveted Turkey
Day bathroom quickie.
While everyone else is all hopped up on tryptophan and holiday cheer, it's time to act. Quickly and discreetly dash to the most out of the way bathroom in the house. Most suburban houses all have a quiet, altogether nondescript bathroom tucked away on the second floor, or in the basement somewhere. This is where you should unleash your holiday cock custard.
Now, using your manhood as a vaginal turkey-baster takes on Read more:Thanksgiving
Californication: The Trilogy....part one 2007-12-03 08:03:51 A couple of summers back after college I decided to spend my time off on Martha's Vineyard. If you've never been you are missing out big time. Seriously, if you're reading this and you are still in college, get three friends together and start looking for places online. You will find work easily, you will find parties easily and unless you recently finished behind Rocky Dennis is a beauty contest you will get laid easily (mostly by gorgeous Eastern European women). But I digress. While on the island I became good friends with a kid Scooner whose sailboat was the location of many a good party. After the summer was over we stayed in touch and I decided that in January I'd take a trip out to San Francisco to visit him at school (hold the gay jokes you jerk offs).
As I'm planning the trip my good buddy Osirus stops by my apartment one day with a bottle of hooch and a dream. As it turns out Osirus was planning his own trip to San Fran in an attempt to conquer a past quest Read more:Californication
, Trilogy
Holiday Cock-Tails for You and Me! 2007-11-29 04:44:08 I bet you didn't know this, but in addition to being the master of the man-pistion, and the king of cock custard, I also happen to be quite skilled at the ability to mix a great alhoholic beverage. There is no time like the holiday season to drown your sorrows in booze, or to shamelessly pump some poor slam pig full of happy sauce in efforts to to pork the snot ouf of her. At your holiday party, try whipping up and of these three beverages- and perhaps you'll find a nice warm honeypot full of holiday cheer!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Roffie or
Mrs. Claus's Secret Potion
1 oz 151 Proof Rum
1 oz unadulterated desire for cooch
1 oz coconut rum
1 oz pineapple juice
Dash of grenadine
1 vacant backseat with prophylactics in the glove box.
1 candy cane (a literal candy cane, scumbag)
Directions: Combine ingredients into a Martini shaker. It's key to add equal parts of both kinds of rum. The coconut rum and grenadine completely hide the taste of the over-proof rum, making the drink taste Read more:Holiday
, Tails
Clever Retorts to Failed Pick Up Lines 2007-11-28 08:55:04 Over the course of my long, illustrious career as a professional clam-jammer, I've said a lot of questionable things to a lot of highly questionable girls. As the holidays are often a time for reflection, I've been thinking about some of the long, very drunken evenings I've endured that have resulted in not only some brazenly bad pickup lines, but have been highlighted by my snappy comebacks to failed, atrocious pickup lines. Here's the hall of fame thus far.
Me: I'm actually going off to war. I ship off tomorrow.
Her: I don't believe you. You haven't shaved in months
Me: What would your mother say if you refused to blow me for the sake of your country?
Me: I'm actually a philosophy major over at Yale
Her: Your sweatshirt says Housatonic Community College....
Me: Don't judge me, wench
Me: Baby, I wanna take you back to my place, and put my evil in side of you....
Her: I'm sorry, what was that?
Me: Oh, I meant come back to my place, and I can lay beside you...
Her: Aw Read more:Clever
, Lines
Californication: The Trilogy, Part Deux 2007-12-07 05:29:26 I awoke the next morning ready to wreak even more havoc upon the great state of California. I collected my things and yelled back to my lovely exchange student Ich verspreche, dass ich Sie Baby rufen werde which roughly translated means I promise I will call you baby (I know how to say that in 12 languages). I headed back to Scooner's place ready to tackle the next leg of our trip, a drive up to Lake Tahoe to visit an old high school buddy. Back at the apartment there is a broken lamp in the middle of the living room and Scooner is passed out in the middle of the kitchen floor ass naked, his German girl long gone. After several swift kicks to the ribs he was up and ready to punish his body some more. I called up Osirus to get the details of last night and make him aware that we intended to leave in about an hour so he would hurry his ass up. He assured me he'd be on his way after a quick shower (he did not hit it that night, as will be detailed later on). About 30 minu Read more:Californication
, Trilogy
Deuce Dropping Etiquitte For You and Me 2007-12-05 09:49:39 One night not too long ago, my buddy Mark and I went out for some fine Mexican cuisine. I'm talking like some of the best refired beans and spicy fish tacos this side of Cazumel. I hadn't feasted on south-of-the border fare of this magnitude since spring break in Cabo, where I probably fathered 5 illegitimate children. Hopefully I'm dead before the Mexican government get's the paperwork in order.
But I digress. After inhaling three large pitchers of margaritas (anyone who orders frozen or flavored ones in any circumstance should be assassinated) we decided to head out to some local watering holes in search of some tail. Midway through, Montezuma had his revenge on my anus, and I was forced to miss much of the action while a series of crippling, life-altering dumps took over my life. Once I was done, that seedy unventilated bathroom was about as toxic as Trynobyl on a warm summer day.
Mark, however, did a great job. He got invited back to this girl's house, and was getting he Read more:Deuce
Vegan Friendly Jam- Or Jelly? 2007-12-20 10:05:38 Crazy (my mentally ustable ex boyfriend) and I wanted to play us some Jack and Jill, but there was 1 problem- Auntie Flo was in town. While Auntie Flo typically doesn't prevent me from getting buckwild, Crazy had a problem with it. Now there's 1 very obvious approach to getting around this kind of situation, and considering we were both very ancy, we decided to take it. Crazy whipped out his trombone and told me to bend over ...I was getting it in-the-butt.
It seemed like such a great idea (I enjoy a little coitus-sodomus
every now and again), however there was 1 problem- Crazy didn't have
any axle grease. Spit, water, astro glide, rum, wine, champage,
WHATEVER… any of these lube substitutes should come to the mind of a
normal human being. Crazy, on the other hand, being the karma
believing vegan freak that he is, went into the kitchen and returned
with a bottle of extra virgin olive oil.
Me: What is that!? What are you doing!?
Crazy: It's olive oil. Read more:Jelly
, Friendly
Bold Predictions for 2008! 2007-12-20 09:49:14 I can't believe 2007 is truly coming to a close. It seems like only
yesterday that I was choking down a magnum of Andre champagne and
pondering what 2007 had to offer me. Good heavens. I feel I've been
productive this year, I've proliferated trash to the masses, and I
even let some chick do the same! I dunno if it's the rum I've been
drinking since breakfast, but I truly am swelling with holiday cheer.
It is with this in mind, that I look towards the future, and peer
through a thick cloud of awesome sauce into 2008.....and I present to
you a frightening vision of the future....
In the year 2008.... Old Dirty Blog will cover topics such as Foreign
object use: is it for me?, Donkey Punch, and other summertime
cocktails and The time I nailed Margaret Thatcher
In the year 2008.... I will have a threesome with a set of Asian twins
without having to pay either of them, or enter into an establishment
that offers spa treatment
In the year 2008... Orlando Pace will drop Read more:Predictions
ODB Supports Feminism! 2007-12-20 07:41:38 I know what you might all be thinking- and it's ok. Really, I
understand. I'm willing to deal with the flood of praise and/or hate
mail that comes from allowing a woman to blog on this site. You see,
out of the droves of fan mail I've received, people are always sending
me resumes, writing samples and the like. I usually roll them up and
smoke them- with tobacco products. But, this one particular girl was
very persistent, and I've decided to let her voice be heard to the
world. Here is the first thing she sent me.
An Angry Girl's Toilet
In life, there will always be those 1 or 2 (maybe 12) guys who test
out your goodies 5, 6, 7, maybe 8 times, then throw you to the curb.
But fortunately for us ladies- there's a little something I like to
call, Revenge of the Nerd.
I was a young girl. Maybe 16? Small, sweet, and naive. I don't
remember where I met him or how he sweet talked his way into intruding
on my love flower, but he did- over and over again. And that's not t Read more:Feminism
Californication: The Trilogy: Conclusion 2007-12-14 03:49:37 As I said, my night with Martina was fun yet uneventful. We hit up Haight Street, drank our faces off, exchanged great stories, put a twenty in the juke box and tore it up. Nothing to write home about. I stumbled back to the apartment at around 3 am to find Scooner passed out on the living room floor (seems to be a trend with him) and to my total surprise he has accidental face shot German girl with him. They are out cold and I'm totally cocked, so I figure it'd be an awesome idea to pull the blanket off of them and take a picture on my phone. I got the blanket halfway off of them when this Berlin Beauty awoke suddenly and started to scream. When she screamed, I screamed. Scooner, awoken by the chaos, started to laugh. She wrapped the blanket around herself, slapped me dead across the face and stormed out, but not before throwing his blender at me on the way out, producing a big cut on my forehead and a barrel of laughs. Hey, it was her fault for coming back; those Germ Read more:Trilogy
, Californication
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