Owner: BRAINFRIENDENEMY URL:http://www.brainfriendenemy.com Join Date: Sun, 22 Jul 2007 13:41:50 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: a blog for human people: photography, audio, and discussion of the creative process Site statistics:Click here
ehhhhh okay 2007-07-22 13:03:00 Okay, so I stayed up until nearly 6am this morning and woke up at about 11:30, feeling sort of strange and disoriented. Klonopin, Prevacid...three and a half hours late. For all I know this is psychological, but after an hour after taking the K things returned to normal. They say that if you take the stuff on a regular basis it builds to a steady state and you could miss a dose altogether and probably not notice it. I don't know if that's true or not. I seem to notice a difference if I'm late with taking it.But, anyway, I'm way off schedule. Usually I take the Klonopin at 8am and 8pm. Lately I've been all over the map. I do think there's some value in taking it at very regular intervals day in and day out.So I'm feeling fine now. I have to go to the supermarket and run some other errands. I have tentative plans to hang out with a girl. I don't know if that's going to happen or not and I'm not going to make a big effort to get it to happen. So I'll probably be ba
Photo Nerd Post 2007-07-22 00:17:00 The following is what's called a "high dynamic range" photo (HDR). I used to accomplish a similar sorta effect back in the film days by utilizing double exposure. This is essentially a double exposure, too, but I used a program called Photo
Matrix to combine the files. Using the program is tricky, but I think I made some progress tonight.With a scene like this, you'd either expose for what's outside the window and have the interior totally in the dark, or expose for the interior and have the exterior totally blown out. Here I made one photo in which I metered for the exterior (and over exposed it by mistake, but that's no matter now), and another in which I metered for the interior. This is the combination of those image files:It's certainly not a great composition or anything. Again, it was an experiment. I can point out lots of flaws in the photo (it's not all that interesting, I forgot to focus the camera on the bed, I over exposed the exterior by at least three stops,
Well, Shit 2007-07-20 17:29:00 After my work was done, I thought I would go for a brief walk. I felt fine but I literally hadn't seen the outside all day except through a window. There's not much in my direct neighborhood to photograph, really, but I brought my camera along anyway. I made two shots and will post them to this entry in a little while because...On my way home I stopped by the bodega for something to eat. They have these great little frozen pizzas there. They're made by a local restaurant and they're made with healthy stuff. That seemed not to matter. After getting home and eating it and checking my voice mail and reading my e-mail, damn if I'm not having a minor panic attack.Insane bloating/gas. Nausea. Nervousness. Racing thoughts.Had I not eaten, I would have been fine. Had I eaten but ignored the computer and phone, I would've been fine. Together, though, they delivered a devastating one-two combination. I'm on the mat, delirious, straining to hear the referee count to ten. Prob
Contacting Me 2007-07-20 14:52:00 If anyone wishes to contact me, they can do so via e-mail through the blog. I'm not a telephone person, and besides, I work for a living and have very little time for personal calls. Even if I'm at home during the day, I'm still working. I'm either on the phone already or concentrating on something else.Work is my life. It not only sustains me financially, but I find it challenging and rewarding. While I do have "down" periods during the day, they are few and they are brief. When I'm at home, they're basically all spent here at the blog.That's just the way it is. I certainly do not mean to disrespect anyone, but I simply do not have the time for it. I hope you understand. While I do care deeply about most of the readers here and the people on Healing Well, etc, I feel that there's nothing that can be said over the telephone that cannot be said in a letter, comment, or whatever.There are two of you who are doing this. I'm not even sure how one of you got my number. I
Great Night Last Night; Mediocre Morning 2007-07-20 09:25:00 Last night's activities devolved into a guys' night out. My friend had brought a bottle of Jim Beam, and I couldn't resist. I certainly didn't drink much but I took a pretty big swig straight out of the bottle and that alone seemed to buzz me. They say not to drink with benzos. Best I can remember, the swig occurred about forty-five minutes after my Klonopin dose. I seriously doubt that's enough alcohol to cause any sort of complication...I didn't experience any. Perhaps it's part of the reason I don't feel perfectly well this morning, but I doubt it:The same friend who brought the whiskey also ordered pizza and garlic cheese bread. Garlic is something that when I had GERD really bad I had to stay away from, but I can tolerate it pretty well these days. I ate a couple of his cheese breads and two slices of pizza. I shouldn't have because I'd already had a pretty healthy sandwich for dinner. By the time I tried to get to sleep I did, in fact, have reflux issues. I d Read more:Great
, Night
, Mediocre
, Morning
No Traffic Today 2007-07-19 16:32:00 Inexplicably, there's been no traffic here today so I'm not going to write much. Why write if nobody will read, huh? But mainly I'm just busy. Thursdays are very busy for me and I have plans tonight.I will say this...my pissy mood from yesterday is over. I had a long, hard day at work that's not quite done but I'm feeling absolutely wonderful. These little setbacks just seem to be inevitable. I've tried to eliminate them in all sorts of ways...maybe I'll find a way the next time.And also I'd like to offer a special apology to Linda, a regular visitor, because I think I inadvertantly told her to fuck off. I certainly didn't mean to be rude to her individually...she's a very caring person who's always been very encouraging to me. So sorry, Linda.No photography tonight. Maybe late tonight. I've got nothing...and no time. Read more:Today
Mental Health Parity? 2007-07-18 22:12:00 A groundbreaking bill is working its way through the US House of Representatives: the Paul Wellstone Mental Health
and Addiction Equity Act of 2007.This bill, should it become law, would require insurance plans to treat medical claims and mental health claims exactly the same way. That is to say there would be no more limits on how many times you could see your therapist in a year. The co-pay would also be the same as you would pay to see a regular doctor or perhaps a specialist.Most of the people who read this blog know how important this legislation is. I urge EVERYONE to write both of their US Senators and their Congressional Representative to let them know just how important you think it is. With a Democratic majority in both houses it'll eventually get through, but the more people who write, the less likely the for-profit insurance companies will be to succeed in their efforts to water it down. Writing will also speed passage of the bill.Unfortunately, only a couple of media Read more:Mental Health
Fatigued, Flat, Unwell 2007-07-18 17:00:00 I can't really put my finger on it. As the morning went on I grew more and more fatigued, even falling asleep briefly. I went out and was not energized, either. Something is siphoning the life out of me and God only knows what it is.Yes, I was up late and was in a high-anxiety mode when I went to bed. That's true. But I did end up sleeping what I thought was a pretty solid six hours or so. Illness? I don't think so. There's no fever. I don't feel well but I don't feel sick. Just no appetite, irritable, etc. The, uh, bowel problems this morning didn't persist. Everbody gets that now and then, I think. The sore throat I complained about a couple days ago is gone for the most part. I must have just snored the previous night or something.So there's nothing physically wrong with me except fatigue, and I'm left to assume it's because I went to bed in a high state of anxiety and that I can blame it all on Tyra Banks. That bitch. Or, it could be that I switched from C
Hooked on Rice Cakes 2007-07-18 08:56:00 I've been up for nearly an hour, in spite of staying up late because mini-panic attacks induced by Tyra Banks. If I'd gotten my day stuff together then night before and wake up at eight o'clock, I consider that on time because I can then leave here as soon as the rush hour starts to subside (8:30 - 9am).But you'll notice that I'm blogging, which obviously means I have not left and am probably not within minutes of leaving either. Gastrointestinal issues, you see. I blame Tyra Banks, of course, but I think my habit of eating rice cakes may have something to do with it, as well.That's neither here nor there, and I don't really want to talk about it. Instead, I would like to say that I'm disappointed that so few of you were interested in clicking the video link in this post. You've deprived yourselves of a lot of great rock n' roll joy. I've tried to help you be happier by introducing you to Bob Pollard, but you'd have none of it and it's not like I'm going to ram it d Read more:Hooked
, Cakes
Mary Hart/Tyra Banks Syndrome 2007-07-18 01:41:00 You know that episode of Seinfeld in which Kramer goes nuts every time he hears Mary Hart's voice? Tyra Banks
does that to me.Don't ask why I'm up so late or why I was watching Tyra Banks. Well, I'll tell you , I guess. A baseball game was on...they were playing on the west coast so it ended late. Then MASH came on in-progress. After that, Tyra Banks came on and I was busy working so I didn't change the channel. Subliminally, perhaps, she has elevated my anxiety.Now I can't get to bed. Thanks, talentless hack. Read more:Syndrome
Everywhere With Helicopter 2007-07-17 16:44:00 Everywhere With Helicopter
Eyeline the driveway Eye black the door Sky all around me Levels life from roof to floor Trees and knees are lovely Seek it, find the core I have grown to life Like all in silence Wait for more Everywhere with helicopter Hard to follow/swallow When I'm slow Everywhere with helicopter Sending off where lightning goes (censor of the lightning ghosts) I will try to fight them I will let them nowhere to go Try escape the pace I'll say "God bless you" Let me know We know the answers We fill us in I do not diminish Start to finish Front to end Everywhere with helicopter...Dallas PD helicopter. I guess I've been a little obsessed with the sky lately. Above is a Guided by Voices song. Click here to watch a killer video. My favorite band.
Onward and Upward 2007-07-17 09:44:00 Wow, did I get a good night's sleep for once! It's going to put a dent in my workday but it should pay dividends, too, so I'm not concerned about it. Waking up free of any anxiety is awesome. Right after I finish this I do have to get to work in a big way, though. Click here and you'll see how much I've griped about sleep in the past. It's important.I'm still in a good mood. Life is on an upward trajectory right now (ah...see the pic? Upward trajectory, get it? Isn't that clever.) So, no time to write this morning but I feel obliged to make the morning post.Good day. Read more:Onward
One of the Strangest 24 Hour Periods of My Life 2007-07-16 19:14:00 A lot has happened in the past 24 hours or so. A lot. Some good, some bad, and mostly just strange. I cannot go into details on the three weirdest things, but I'm just going to write and see what comes out.A girl from high school finds my MySpace page a couple months ago and writes me, even though it says I'm dead on it. She is hot now, so we start e-mailing back and forth. She and I both live in the Dallas area, and when I moved up here we had a couple of phone conversations. I'm not big into talking on the phone, so I basically told her to call me when she gets off work someday (she works downtown, I live downtown) and we'd hang out. Well, she goes back to e-mail and I pretty much ignore them because I'm not one for "the thrill of the chase". Especially when it's going NOWHERE. Anyway, I got a text message from her last night, and she was apparently moderately pissed that I hadn't written her back. I hate text messages. HATE them. So I call her. Eventually she cal
Another Week 2007-07-16 08:30:00 Cheesy sunset/silhouette photo. Badly cropped. Border too narrow. The light was beautiful but even if cropped properly the composition wouldn't have been ideal.One of my unique "talents" is that I can recognize the flaws of anything in mere seconds. While it may help me produce better art among other things, it sure can be a downer.I'll write more about that later.For now, I'm in an extremely high anxiety state. I have Morning Edition playing on the radio as I usually do, but the reception isn't great and static is swelling in and out. It's also rush hour and I live across the street from the Police Headquarters. All these cop bureaucrats come into work on these super loud motorcycles...you know the kind. They don't have mufflers at all. It's like a Harley convention every weekday morning right outside my window.With the anxiety I'm just hyper sensitive to every noise. My mind is also fuzzy and unclear, but at the same time my thoughts are racing. What I really need
Weekly Q & A 2007-07-15 12:45:00 Once again, it's time for the Sunday Question and Answer forum. It's where I go through the referrals and look at the search engine terms people used to get to the blog. The other installments can be found be clicking here.All the sudden I only have access to the last 100 hits, though, and I'm not sure why. Before I could go back a lot farther. Maybe Sitemeter figured out I wasn't paying them.So, basically, that means I don't have as many queries to choose from, and the following is the result. Some of these will be incredibly redundant, and unfortunately for me, very few are funny. In the future I'm going to pick out a few each day, I guess. The last 100 hits only includes today and some of yesterday.Well, anyway, here we go:Keywords "letting advil dissolve under tongue": I really have no idea here. I looked around on the internet and couldn't find any information, either. Now, Advil has that coating that tastes a little sweet, but you may be greeted with a horrible t Read more:Weekly
A 'Holy Shit' Morning (what was that?) 2007-07-15 09:13:00 I woke up today in a state of total confusion. I wasn't sure whether I was awake or not, and once I decided I was, I couldn't remember if I had dreamed anything (I always try to remember my dreams). My anxiety level was through the roof. I stood up from my bed, and even had trouble with that. It was as if I were drunk. I had trouble difficulty walking in a straight line as I proceeded to the bathroom. There I went straight for the familiar regimen of daily meds: Prevacid and Clonazepam. Next I did other bathroom things such as brushing my tooths, sitting on the toilet, etc. Then I did what I wouldnt' have dared done a few short months ago: I took a walk to my car. I was out of cigarettes, yeah, but that wasn't the only motivation. I simply needed to move. From my apartment I walk down a long hallway and to an elevator that takes me seven floors down to the basement. From there I walk down a humid corridor to the northern side of the building, and then it's another 1,00 Read more:Morning
, Holy Shit
Tempting Fate 2007-07-14 21:39:00 I haven't really done a lot today. This morning I went out to Thanksgiving Square, as noted, but haven't left the building since. It hasn't been a lost day, though.This afternoon and early evening I must've played guitar for four or five hours. I'm really starting to get the feel for playing again, but it's mostly bluesy stuff instead of the kind of rock n' roll I'd play if I were in a band. No matter...that'll come. I did put a few odd chords together and started re-writing some of my old songs.It's worth noting that I felt no anxiety whatsoever while I was playing. None. Before? A little. Afterward? Some. But definitely not during. I think this is just more proof that a lot of anxiety/panic is imagination run amok. If you employ the part of the mind that creates and solves problems, you don't notice that barely perceptible twinge of nausea or pain. It (the brain) cannot take those things and make mountains of molehills because the part of the brain that works
Thanksgiving Square 2007-07-14 15:21:00 Thanksgiving Square
is this park in the middle of downtown. It's a beautiful place, but nobody seems to know about it except for the homeless. More can be read about the park here. It's truly a great place.I didn't get very many good shots today. Just didn't have the eye for it...that's the breaks. Sometimes that's just the way it is. Got a parking ticket, too. I'd forgotten that the meters are active in Dallas on the weekends. Greedy bastards.I like the real contrasty black and whites, as you can probably tell. This one is suffering from "Save for Web" syndrome, but I like it anyway. The other shot is of Thanksgiving Square's Chapel (the spiral looking thing). It was closed because I showed up too early, but oh well. The backdrop is a building called Energy Plaza, I think. Dallas is big on the whole oil/gas/finance scene.Anyway, I'm in a pretty high anxiety state right now. On the run, I had a really bad lunch. It's so disgusting that I hate to even mention it Read more:Thanksgiving
Tabula Rasa 2007-07-14 09:46:00 Another cop-out photo, I know. I finally had enough sleep last night, and that's great, but I have awakened only to feel like crap. I've got the meds in me, though, and I have some stuff planned to do so I'll feel better soon enough. This is just the normal "feeling like shit when you wake up" thing that everyone has to one extent or another. It may be exasperated a little by taking my Klonopin and Prevacid late, but I don't feel THAT bad.In fact, in weird way I feel energized. Nothing's set in stone for the today. It's all mine to do as little or as much as I want to. My "plans" are basically to put in a load of wash and while it's in the dryer go downtown and take some real photos while it's still overcast. That means taking the rail with a very expensive camera, and that means I gotta be ready to fight to the death. All in a day's fun, though, right? Maybe I'll just drive downtown. This early on a Saturday I should be able to get free parking pretty easily.Somew Read more:Tabula
, Tabula Rasa
Housekeeping 2007-07-13 20:32:00 Blogger now allows a poll, so I put one up in the right hand corner. Traffic is finally starting to pick up again after my relocation and virtual abandonment of the blog for several weeks (my three-day average is about 85 or 90 percent of what it was before I left Austin), so I think it would be a good idea to learn what people want to read about here. Please voice your opinion.As I said before, I'm staying in tonight because of sleep issues the last few days. I'm basically working tonight so that I won't have to on Sunday. Sooner or later I'll require a break and will likely add a photo to this post, but other than that I'm probably done until tomorrow.Everyone have a good weekend!PS: Just found this fairly informative page that may help some people.
Post-Incense Incident 2007-07-13 14:33:00 I thought that maybe if I worked directly from the JPEG that came out of the camera, the web version would end up looking better. No. It's still too dark and the colors do not pop. Click on it to make it larger.The original wasn't a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination. It was only a simple texture shot of the fire door in my loft. Simple composition. Simple, natural light. It doesn't have to be a "great and innovative" photo to look good, in my opinion. Still, I have to find a way to make images that actually look the way they're supposed to on the internet.I've just been exhausted all day, and not feeling well as a result. I covered a lot of miles and got some things done, but the rest of the day is going to be spent doing desk work. I don't want to drive anymore today. It has rained here (will it ever stop?) and the traffic has been a disaster everywhere I've gone. Today I really wanted to do things to grow the business, but I just didn't have the energy Read more:Incident
Hang On.... 2007-07-12 23:35:00 It is with great sorrow that I report to you that I am experiencing a major setback as I type this. The only purpose for this entry is therapy. You certainly may skip it if you like.I was sitting here a little while ago feeling not only fine, but great. It occurred to me that I should light some incense in an effort to make the place smell a little better. I commenced to do just that, and it was not long before anxiety had a merciless hold on me.I'm not sure whether or not it has to do with the incense. They're the little cones, not the sticks that I normally use. My mother used to light these things when I was a little kid. Is that the source? I don't know...no use in psychoanalyzing myself.I also had a little caffeine earlier, finishing a bottle of Dr. Pepper that I'd started the night before. And I haven't eaten for about seven hours but I don't think that's it.I have no idea what's going on here, but I'm not fighting. I'm simply accepting it and repeating my man
A Day in the Life 2007-07-12 19:53:00 The net really, really makes that one look crappy. In photoshop it's not a particularly interesting photo, but it's highly detailed and what colors there are really snap. The JPG sapped all the life out of it. If anyone wants to buy any of my photos, feel free to e-mail me. I'm not looking to make a living from art. I'll sell at near cost, plus a little fee simply to cover what little time I have in it. I retain copyright, of course. Just keep in mind that every photo on this site will look better in print than it does on your screen. In some cases there won't be much of a difference. In others (like this one, for example), there will be a huge difference in terms of color, sharpness, dynamic range, etc.With that out of the way, I guess I got enough sleep so that I wasn't pummeled with anxiety all day. On that front it was pretty uneventful. I had a hamburger at about 4pm and it made me feel pretty weird for a while. Other than that, things were okay.However, I did ha
Why Do I Keep Doing This? 2007-07-12 09:10:00 Last night I stayed up late just doing nothing. That's a habit I thought I had broken after moving out of my apartment in Austin. This week it seems to have reared it's ugly head, though. Nearest I can tell, it was between 1:30 and 2am that I fell asleep at my desk yet again. I had no insane dreams that I can remember, at least, but that's not quality sleep at all. At 5:30 I did manage to wake up and get to the bed, though.I slept through the six o'clock alarm. The seven o'clock alarm is much louder and it's the radio (I put it on NPR in hopes that something will interest me enough to get out of bed), but I hit snooze at least once and apparently turned the volume down at one point...when I finally woke up at 8:50, the radio was on.The HQ opens up at 9:00 and they give their employees a paid lunch. I usually start out well before nine o'clock and never take a lunch. So I guess it's okay if I sleep in every once in a while. However, my income is directly correlated with
An Odd Couple of Days 2007-07-11 17:09:00 This photo was taken a LONG, long time ago. I'm not sure what year it was, but I remember the trip to Texarkana very well for many reasons. It was long enough ago that digital cameras existed only for scientists and press photographers, though. This is film. Ilford HP5, or maybe Kodak Tri-X. It was a long exposure in the middle of the night, developed and printed by hand in my own darkroom. Sometimes I miss those days. I still can't quite get the look of HP5 or Tri-X when I shoot digitally. I can come pretty close, but pretty close isn't good enough so I usually go in a different direction.I post it in response to a request that I post some pictures of pretty little flowers. haha...I'm not that kind of photographer at all.Anyhow, it's exactly 97 degrees right now with 51 percent humidity. Summer has arrived abruptly but a little late, so there's been no "aclimatization" period. That's why I have no new photos for you today. It's just too damned hot.Yesterday I menti
SERENITY NOW!!!! 2007-07-24 18:08:00 This afternoon I finished my workday close enough to downtown so that I could make it to Thanksgiving Square before it closed at 5pm. In case you didn't read my previous post, Thanksgiving Square is sort of place downtown where people can meditate. I don't know the correct word for this, but there's also a multi-religion chapel there, too. Any faith is welcome there. For a place like this to exist in the middle of one of the most conservative cities in the USA is pretty cool. Actually, it's very cool. With things the way they've been lately, I felt like I really needed to go there. Not to take photos, but just to get some perspective. Frustration (with several things) has been getting to me lately. I can't say that I did any proper meditation while I was there today, but I did reflect on what you're supposed to reflect upon while you're there: I'm thankful. I'm thankful to be healthy, thankful to be gainfully employed, thankful for my friends and family, and thankful
Real Quick Post 2007-07-24 09:17:00 Just need to write something to hopefully calm myself down. I woke up at 6:00, pretty lucid. But I decided there was no real reason to be awake that early so I decided to go back to sleep and let the 7:30 alarm wake me up. It never went off. I didn't wake up until a little after 8:30.And when I woke up, I was and still am in a very high anxiety state. It's no 9:20. I need to get to work but I am far from sharp, mentally speaking, and it's tough right now.This has become a pattern, although today is worse. I just now took my Klonopin. If that's the only way I can find relief then it's going to be an hour and a half away. I certainly cannot wait that long.Why does this shit persist? I seem to be stuck. Better than I used to be, but the progress has stalled out. Perhaps I haven't been as creative as I should be over the last week or so. I don't have the drive; it fades in and out like it does with everyone else. For me it feels like I'm as physically dependent on pho Read more:Quick
Worst Photo Ever 2007-07-23 17:38:00 Yes, this is the second-worst photo I've put up on this blog (matter of opinion, I guess). I only put up these really bad ones when I'm trying to say something.I'm discouraged with work. About a week or so ago, I thought I was getting on a roll but nothing seems to be happening for me. I feel I'm not good at this job, and with this job in particular I cannot make a living if I'm not good at it. In and of itself it's a good gig that I don't mind doing at all as long as I have some success. I've never had a job that I didn't excel at.Some time passes...Well, I just talked to my dad, proprietor of the thing. He's a real positive thinker and I feel a little better now. His dinner was ready right as I was about to ask him my most pressing question, but that's okay. There's time for that later.Problem is, this is just a weird, fucked up business I'm in. At this point right now, I'm essentially a salesman. Never in my life have I sold anything. It's tiring but not di Read more:Photo
Another Week, Another Dollar 2007-07-23 08:29:00 Damn, I did not want to wake up this morning. The alarm went off at six and I hit the snooze button. It went off again a few minutes later, and I hit the snooze button again. This process repeated itself until the alarm didn't go off anymore. Finally the backup came on at 8, and I got out of bet that time. This is frustrating for two reasons:1. I really wanted to get up at six this morning.2. I don't think the extra two hours of sleep, interrupted by alarm clocks, was quality sleep.So I slept later than I would've liked and didn't get anything out of it. I realized it at the time, but lacked the discipline to refrain from using the snooze button.Clearly, I'm going to have to break out the Big Guns: my stereo. It has an alarm that is so loud I'd wake up in order to make sure my neighbors weren't subjected to it. Otherwise I'd probably sleep through it, too. Or perhaps I need a Pee Wee Herman alarm clock?I wonder, do you guys have problems getting up in the mornings, eve Read more:Dollar
Weekly Q & A 2007-07-22 19:50:00 The following may be a boring composition, but I like the variety of tones in the photo. I went out to White Rock lake today with the camera, but like a dumbass I left my memory cards at home. So I just walked around. This photo was taken a little while ago on the roof of my building as a thunderstorm was approaching.Anyway, time for the weekly question and answer column. As I've noted before, this is a Sunday thing in which I look at my referrals and try to answer the questions that I think people were looking for. Other installments can be found by clicking here.Keywords "a good lunch for gall bladder and ibs": Well, I've had gallbladder troubles and occasional IBS-like symptoms as a consequence of my beloved anxiety disorder. The best stuff to eat in either case would be low fat foods. Avoid dairy and red meats. Lean turkey and grilled chicken, crackers, and stuff like that are all okay (or were for me). If you have a lot of gas as a product of your IBS you may want to av Read more:Weekly
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