Owner: BRAINFRIENDENEMY URL:http://www.brainfriendenemy.com Join Date: Sun, 22 Jul 2007 13:41:50 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: a blog for human people: photography, audio, and discussion of the creative process Site statistics:Click here
Maintaining 2007-09-18 19:10:00 A high contrast midday photo of an abandoned bus stop. It has nothing to do with anything, really.But I said I'd update and I am. I got out ever so briefly this afternoon when I was done with lunch. Traffic was snarled. Got a little done.It was hot but it was good to be out. Other than that, that's pretty much all I can say about it.At the moment I'm hungry, but craving more fresh air. It's 7:15 as I write this and I have precious little daylight left. I would go to fair park, but I have a feeling it's closed, and I'm not going to do night photography there without bodyguards. So I may just hang out on the roof and look for something new up there. I haven't yet explored all of the roof; this is an enormous building.That way I can come back, eat, take my evening dose of Klonopin (which I have put in the old man style pillbox now so I'll never forget), watch a little baseball, and go to bed at a nice, reasonable hour just before planning my day tomorrow. I'm feeling we Read more:Maintaining
Suddenly, Nothing is Going Well 2007-09-18 11:53:00 I slept. That I did. And I got up feeling like crap, but pulled it together anyway and left to go about my work. Cell phone battery wouldn't keep a charge. The car charger I bought was always useless, and I think it made the battery go bad. So I had to come home with a new battery and get the damn thing on the charger. While I'm here I thought I'd call my dad/boss and tell him the truth about me not doing well lately. Mistake, I think. He was pretty much silent on the subject. Don't know what he thinks, but if it were me I might be sympathetic but I'd also be concerned about paying this guy (son or not) to do nothing. I'm not doing nothing, but I think I overstated the case on the phone and that was a STUPID move. I think the anxiety/physical part of this has passed, but see, (and I hate to admit this) I'm feeling depressed. Yesterday's post when I brought out that photo was clearly a subconscious acknowledgment of it. I've largely shut myself off recently due to th Read more:Nothing
, Suddenly
, Going
SLEEP!!! 2007-09-17 15:30:00 I started writing this sometime this morning, fell asleep for a few minutes, then woke up feeling like shit and forgot about it until now:It is Monday morning. Last night, I stayed up very late doing things that I shouldn't have been doing. And after that I stayed up even later doing things that I should've been doing instead of what I did before. When I finally got to sleep I sitting on my sofa. What time? I have no idea, but it was very, very late. At six exactly, I awakened. It was clear that more sleep would be needed, but bed was not an option because if I were to go to bed, then hell, there's no telling what time I would get up. So I went to my desk. I thought if I were uncomfortable I wouldn't sleep much longer, and I was right. At eight o'clock (exactly), I woke up again and have been up ever since.That was well over an hour ago, yet I am still in a sleep state. Dream-like thoughts run through my head. Absurd situations. People talking in Spanish and French.
Letting Go of the Past and Creating a New Future 2007-09-16 12:45:00 Believe it or not, I do have some new photography, but I want to save it. This series is an old one.Caveat: these are flatbed scans of 3x5 proof prints. You are not encouraged to click on them to make them larger, because they haven't been post-processed and are copies of copies of copies. I sold the negatives with the prints (the series was exhibited at a 2 person show in 2000) and this is all I have left of the work. The scans haven't even been cleaned up for dust. No sharpening has been done. No color correction. The original custom prints I had framed to hang at the gallery were absolutely gorgeous. BWC did a great job, as they always do.They were hung in this order as 11x17 color prints on custom built frames that I made myself. The work did not sell during the month it was shown, but a week afterwards. To date it is the most I've ever made by selling art. If I could do the same two to three times a month, I could make a modest living at it.Anyway, it's a social c Read more:Letting
, Creating
, Future
Lunch Time, and Blog Business 2007-09-14 13:19:00 Well, I had a little time to come home for lunch today, and had been writing this post for about forty-five minutes, trying to get it worded just right. Well, now I'm starting over. There are several things I'd like to address, so please read through the whole thing if you're a regular reader here.First, I've always envisioned this blog as being more of a community. There are comments, but very few in comparison to the repeat visitors I get. Instead, much of the comments I receive come via e-mail.I don't want anyone to think they can't e-mail me, because that option will always remain open. However, I do get a lot more e-mail than I'd like, and a lot of it would simply be better if it were posted to the blog in the form of a comment. That way, other readers can respond to you as well. And even if what you want to say is a little off-topic relative to the post of the day or whatever, go ahead. It may give me an idea for a new post to address your question. And hopefully Read more:Lunch
, Business
, Lunch Time
On the Road, and About Eating 2007-09-13 19:15:00 Yeah, yet another boring skyline photo from the roof. I haven't had time to do any other photography, and that needs to change. You can click on it to make it larger but I may have compressed it too much.Anyway, at least the editing/post-processing thing is somewhat creative. There are any number of ways to adjust a digital file, just as there were a million ways to print a negative. Even when I shoot a "boring" photo like this one, I at least try to do some things to make it look a little different. This one, for example, retains a lot more detail than most sunset photos. The colors are saturated much like Velvia slide film used to be (and still is, I guess, if they still make it).Anyway, I've had a pretty good day in terms of anxiety. I expected worse because of the whole lack of sleep thing, but things have been alright.Business-wise the day has been productive, even if it was really screwy. I think we've just been in some sort of down-cycle and things are starting to pic
What the Hell? 2007-09-13 09:25:00 Someone asked why I didn't say anything about 9/11 in my blog the other day. Well, I have my reasons, but I was thinking about it along with everyone else and this photo is proof.So, in spite of sleeping well the night before last, I had troubles last night. It was bizarre, in fact. I got wrapped up in what I was doing, and completely wide awake. At some point I glanced at a clock only to be totally shocked. It was almost 3:30 in the morning. I got to a stopping place and went to bed, still wide awake, but somehow managed to get to sleep before 4AM (as far as I know).It's been a long, long time since I so thoroughly lost track of time. It was just odd. And, of course, it puts me in a bad place today as I woke up about an hour ago and dead tired. Predictably, as the morning has gone along my anxiety level has increased. It's not unbearable or anything and I doubt it will be, but it's certainly elevated.Thankfully my work schedule is more flexible today. After driving out
A 50/50 Day 2007-09-12 18:32:00 I got pretty close to the Tri-X/HP-5 black & white film look with this one, I think. The tones are about right, and the grain isn't too far off, either. I'll continue refining.I'm taking my camera with me everywhere I go these days. Most times I will not have time for even a shot, but occasionally I will. With this one, I had nothing but time. The freeway was jammed. The radio said there was "fiery debris" blocking the left two lanes; you can see the column of smoke at the horizon line, just to the right of center. By the time I got to it, there was no trace left. I didn't even see black marks on the freeway. Anyway, this morning started off well and then went a little bad. Not too bad, but a little bad. I got ready for work and then left. I'll usually eat some crackers on the way out and that will settle my stomach a bit, but it didn't help today. In fact, I actually got worse as the morning progressed, and then, around 1pm, I very quickly felt better. That's twice
Very Nice 2007-09-11 18:47:00 Folk art. Gotta love it. I took this photo in a little town called Princeton, Texas, today. There were signs indicating that there was a WWII POW site and that's what I was looking for, but all I found were some dilapidated baseball fields and a plaque explaining that there used to be a camp for Germans there. I happened upon this giant pig whilst making my way back to the main highway.Anyway, today was a really, really great day. After straightening out a mess with the people at newegg.com, I got on my way this morning and headed east. The weather was beautiful. It never got above 80 or so today, but when I left this morning it was in the low 70's. I wish it were like this all year long.The blog is getting a lot of hits today from people who are Googling "Klonopin". I hope you guys find the site useful. I've had a very positive experience with the drug, and owe quite a lot to it. You can find a lot of information here that's technical (from the sidebar) and a LOT of my
Okay Then --- Making Another Comeback 2007-09-11 08:57:00 So the last few days have been rough. I don't remember what time I went to sleep last night, but it was much, much later than I had planned on. I want to say it was around one in the morning. I was tired enough to sleep through both alarms and got up just shy of 8:30.No anxiety. No reflux. I immediately took both medications: Klonopin and Prevacid. Then I started working. Given yesterday's inefficiencies and the fact that I just plain needed sleep and woke up late, I have a lot of ground to make up. It's not stressing me out, though; I'm just going to do it.As I said, I've already started. I thought I would write this real quick, finish up what I can here, and shower/shave/etc.Wish me luck. Last night I didn't post, but I guess because I was so sleep deprived I was worse than I was in the day. I believe the setback to be over with, though. I regret that I do not have a photo to include with this post, but I barely have time for this alone and my computer, as I said, j
A Rare Mid-Day Entry 2007-09-10 15:48:00 I know you all like looking at photos of my windows as much as I like taking them (which is to say not a lot). I, however, haven't done much photography lately and, as you can see, the weather has been very uncooperative today.And that hasn't been the only problem.Don't get me wrong, today could've been much worse. Had the weather been half-way decent I would've found a way to have a productive working day. It wasn't, though, and combined with the weird sleeping thing that I described in my last entry, well...things have kind of washed out.I guess I'll pick up where I left off:As you may recall I had a very lengthy nap yesterday that spanned the late afternoon and entire evening. This, of course, was going to make it hard to sleep. The original plan was to stay up until three, and then take another nap from which I would wake at six AM, a little early than I normally do. Well, that didn't go as planned. Three o'clock came and went and I wasn't the slightest bit tired. Read more:Entry
Strange Days 2007-09-10 00:41:00 Well, Sunday was a strange day. Saturday night I stayed up really, really late, but turned around and woke up relatively early in the morning. Finally, around four or five o'clock, a wave of sleepiness came over me and I laid down for what I thought would be a short nap. I ended up sleeping for nearly six hours.When I finally woke up a couple of hours ago my anxiety was nuts, but I took my Klonopin and have calmed down for the most part.The problem, of course, is that it's one in the morning and I'm not sleepy at all. Not a bit. Tomorrow's a work day, of course.Another thing that's made the day weird is that I haven't left my apartment all day long. Not once. I have another (minor) medical issue that's sort of keeping me down right now and that's part of it. It also rained just about all afternoon and that's another reason (and probably why I got so sleepy).Whatever, but tomorrow is going to be a weird day as well. Check this out:Diurnally driven activity has diminish Read more:Strange
Before and After 2007-10-02 18:06:00 I'll be honest with you: I can't think of anything to write about this evening. But I like to make at least one post per day so I thought I'd put up a before and after photography thing.Long ago, when people used film, the labs made color corrections and stuff for them. And now, with digital cameras, they don't. That makes programs like Adobe's Photoshop necessary.I have a camera that cost quite a bit of money, but still, it will not produce a decent photograph straight of the memory card. One reason for that is that I work from RAW files...the equivalent of a digital negative. But even if I set it to shoot in JPG or TIF, it still would not produce a quality photo. Some of the newer consumer cameras attempt to make adjustments themselves, but let's face it, there's not much computing power on board a $300 camera, and even if there were, computers just aren't smart enough to know what looks good.Now, in the above photograph, I overdid things. The colors are too saturated.
New Site Address 2007-10-02 09:04:00 Doesn't that look tasty? Last night's dinner. You can click on it to make it larger and even more tasty looking. Mmmm.Anyway, thanks to Agent Reyes and his technical support, I was able to switch BFE to its very own domain last night. The new address is:www.brainfriendenemy.comI recommend that you change your bookmarks or however you normally get here. Blogger is still hosting and they say they'll forward you, but I do not know that I trust them on that. It seems to be working fine for now, but please treat this as a site move and update accordingly.Last night I stayed up quite late with this but managed to wake up reasonably early. I do not feel like total crap. Things are good, and I have to go to work now.Have a great day, everyone! Read more:Address
, New Site
Welcome Back 2007-10-01 20:00:00 First of all, if you're not reading this on anxietypanicdisorder.blogspot.com or www.brainfriendenemy.com, you should be. Click the banner above. If you're on anxietypaniclog, you're reading stolen content. "Dietman" is a plagiarizer and a thief.Google/Blogger got a little mixed up and deleted my blog for a couple of hours instead of yours, "Dietman", but they will get around to you, you filthy rat bastard.The next item up for business:I had a shitty day today. Not only did I think my blog was deleted forever for a while, but now this woman who hit me a couple of weeks ago is saying the accident is my fault and is trying to file a claim against my policy. All afternoon I've been fielding calls from the insurance company (ironically we're insured by the same outfit). And, finally, I was feeling like crap for the first part of the day.For some reason, getting angry cured me. Perhaps my blood just needed to boil a little bit.I remember back when I first started getting panic a Read more:Welcome
, Welcome Back
2007-10-01 09:56:00 Tried a little something different in photoshop with this photo. I was attempting to dull the colors without desaturating them, trying to get sort of a vintage look. In photoshop I achieved this, but converting to web use made it look a little too dull.Last night I had a mild bout of anxiety, and this morning I'm going through the exact same thing. I thought it was eating-related, but it apparently isn't. I've never had this before: it's like an extended period of moderately elevated anxiety, and it's focused sharply on my stomach. My mind isn't racing. I guess it's anxiety, anyway. It's the same feeling I always get when anxious, only not as intense and more stubborn.I was going to go out and do sales all day, but in light of this I'll probably wait until the afternoon. There's some database re-design that I started this morning, and now that I'm more familiar with all of Dallas' suburbs I really need to re-map the area, as well. It'll probably take a week or so
Dealing with the Family, Part II 2007-09-29 20:13:00 It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be, but it had its moments. To the left is a photo snapped on my journey home. It doesn't "say" anything. It's more of an illustration and I put it up because it occurred to me that some of you may not know what Texas looks like. It's not all cactus and tumbleweed or anything. We have trees (some larger than others). We have grass. It's fairly civilized. This particular shot was made from US Highway 67, about forty miles southwest of Dallas.Anyway, back to point. There were no huge arguments. No passive aggressive assaults designed to elicit guilt (well, there were a couple of minor ones but there always are). I was worked like a dog by both my mother and grandmother but it went pretty well, overall.However, this morning was kind of bad. My mother has two poodles. I strongly dislike poodles and say so knowing that I may offend some of my audience, but I have my reasons. One of them will soon be made apparent. This morning as I Read more:Family
Dealing With Family 2007-09-28 09:44:00 The above photo may have appeared on the blog before, but this is a re-worked version. I've been doing a lot of this lately because when I got this great big hard disk I found a lot of files that I feel I can give a better treatment to now that I know more and more about photoshop. I do have other, newer, photography on tap, but most of it was taken during the course of my work days and frankly isn't very good in my opinion.Anyway, my sainted mother, whom I love as any good son should, is laying the mighty guilt trip on me for not having seen her in a while. Therefore, I'm going to try to work in the area of my hometown this afternoon and actually spend this evening and most of tomorrow with her. That should keep her quiet for a few weeks.I predict that it will be challenging. My mom can be quite passive-aggressive at times, just plain mean at times, and simply a downer other times. On occasion, though, the visits are actually kind of fun and do not end in disaster. The brigh Read more:Family
Still Rolling 2007-09-27 18:24:00 With the exception of a short period during the five o'clock hour, I've had yet another good day. Things didn't begin well, though.Last night I was a moron and didn't go to sleep until around three. It wasn't insomnia...I just didn't feel like going to sleep. Just when I thought I'd learned my lesson, I fall back into an old habit. Well, it's a process, I guess. Staying up late had become sort of a lifestyle for me, and I suppose these things don't change over night.I got up a little late, but not by much. There was supposed to be a guy coming by here to give me a check, but he never did so and I had to drive a long damn way to get that money. Things that I will not mention here occurred that kept me from getting out of here by the time I gave up on the guy, and so I ran behind schedule for a lot of the day.Traffic was favorable, however, and by early afternoon I caught up. Because of the special nature of Thursdays in my work, I had to get back to the office (home) by Read more:Rolling
An Afternoon With Anxiety Disorder 2007-09-26 16:49:00 The photo to the left is of a bottle of soda, and I believe that bottle of soda is partially to blame for the crazy anxiety attack I experienced earlier this afternoon. Notice I did not say "panic attack", thank God. Like I said in the previous entry, I had insomnia last night but didn't let that prevent me from getting up and working this morning. By eleven o'clock or so my eyes were growing heavy, and I thought it best to come home and take it easy with some desk work. Well, that's fine, but my eyes were still heavy so I thought I'd enlist the help of a little caffeine to make sure I remained alert.It worked a little too well. About 3/4 of the way through the drink my anxiety started ramping up quite rapidly. The first thing I did was read through the "Resilience" entry (which is now located on the sidebar as a favorite) and I have to say it did help quite a bit. Thank you, American Psychological Association! Reading it worked, but not for long. Next I resorted to creativi Read more:Afternoon
General Frustrations 2007-09-26 13:18:00 Last night I tried to get to bed around midnight, and was tired, yet when I went to bed I found myself staring at the ceiling. I gave it about half an hour and gave up. Long ago I'd read that the best way to deal with insomnia is to simply get up and do something else until you are finally ready for sleep. If your bed becomes associated with sleeping problems, psychologically, it will compound the problem in the future. For the same reasons they suggest that people do not do anything in their bedrooms other than have sex and go to sleep. This means no televisions, no reading, no computers...no nothing. It makes sense. Living in a loft, though, I do not really have a bedroom. It's one huge space with a small room that functions as a closet and another that's the bathroom. Even the kitchen is open.I've mentioned sleeping problems several times over the last few weeks, especially, but that was not insomnia. I could've went to sleep but I just did not want to. Last night wa Read more:General
That Thing to The Right 2007-09-26 01:09:00 That "Blogrush" thing. I'm just trying it out. It's not supposed to be advertising, but some of it looks like advertising to me. It's supposed to list posts from relevant blogs. I don't see any relevant titles on there, either. Maybe it will take a few days? I don't know. If it stays like that it won't be there long.And this son of a bitch has stolen my blog. Read more:Thing
, Right
Rolling 2007-09-25 18:51:00 I suck at nature photography. Well, at landscapes, at least. I could probably pull off a shot of some flowers or something like that, but unless it has a bunch of bricks, cement, and glass...I'm usually at a loss. To the left is another old photo that I re-worked. It was actually taken on the same weekend that the power plant photos below were taken. It was a crisp spring day, and some friends and I went out to the Perdenales River (West of Austin) for a very, very lengthy hike through some pretty rough terrain. I cannot begin to say how brave it was to do that. I'd been sick for a couple of months solid. Really sick. And it wasn't long after this that the sickness came back to stay. But that weekend was a hell of a lot of fun.Anyway, I'm rolling. Knock on wood...I've been doing really well of late. My sleeping habits are relatively straightened out, my caffeine consumption is down, and my anxiety has leveled off for the most part. I still have some moments, but nothin Read more:Rolling
Head Hurting 2007-09-24 18:30:00 Well, that photo is an old one that I re-worked. I think I remember posting a different version on the blog somewhere, but I'm not going to look for it.See, my head hurts really, really bad. It all started when I was standing around in a hot auto shop complete with gasoline, oil, and paint fumes permeating the air. Before that I was good. Since then I have not been. I thought eating may help out, but no. I ate a little more than half an hour ago and the headache has done nothing but grow stronger. Fresh air? No. I'm not even sure if there's such a thing as fresh air in this city to begin with. Smoking? No effect. Not smoking? The same. Clearly I'm going to have to get over my med-phobia and take a couple ibuprofen. I hate doing that, but I fear that if I don't it will turn into the mother of all headaches: the dreaded migraine. I don't get many of those but I've gotten enough to know I don't want any more of them.Aside from this affliction, the day has been screw
Resilience 2007-09-23 19:17:00 I was over at Dr. Deb Serani's blog today, and she linked to a terrific article from the American Psychological Association about resilience. Given the setbacks I've suffered almost weekly for the past month or so, it struck a real chord with me. The doctor's blog can be found on the BFE sidebar and the original article is here. Normally, I would just point you to the links, but this is important enough to be spelled out here in its entirety, and I also have a few comments to make afterwards:10 Ways to Build ResilienceMake connections. Good relationships with close family members, friends, or others are important. Accepting help and support from those who care about you and will listen to you strengthens resilience. Some people find that being active in civic groups, faith-based organizations, or other local groups provides social support and can help with reclaiming hope. Assisting others in their time of need also can benefit the helper.Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable pro
Questions From the Internets 2007-09-23 12:49:00 Originally this was going to be a weekly installment, but the questions grew redundant and I got bored of it, so I stopped. Well, today I thought I'd revive it.What I'm talking about, of course, is the now non-weekly "Q&A Session". It's where I look through my site referrals, see what people were searching for, and then try to answer those questions. Past episodes can be found by clicking here.First I'd like to say that I'm doing quite well this morning, thank you very much. I did not get to sleep at a reasonable hour but I got six hours anyway and was able to wake up at a time that did not wreck the entire day. This morning I even took a walk beyond my little island and strayed into the South Dallas ghetto, which is where the above shot comes from. Later, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I need to do some cleaning but after that I want to get out of here, primarily because tonight I have quite a bit to do to prepare for the upcoming working week. Anyway, enough of
This is the Day That Wasn't 2007-09-22 20:01:00 So, there's no real reason to post right now. I'm doing it primarily to clam myself down as I am in a high anxiety state right at the moment.As I said in my previous entry, things were weird last night. It was cool that friends came over and it was cool to watch a movie, but it's not cool to sleep in and miss that Prilosec dose. In the long run, it's important to take Klonopin on time, but on a daily basis I guess I just cannot miss the Prilosec.The acid reflux has been unrelenting since I woke up. Once that stuff gets started, boy, it's hard to stop. I haven't eaten anything objectionable and I've limited the smoking. It just will not go away. Perhaps the evening dose of Klonopin that I took a moment ago will help out. In fact, this is a pretty good opportunity to write about something I've probably written about before, but is worth mentioning again. If you have both acid reflux and anxiety, you may be interested.I have been on either Nexium or Prevacid (and now Pril
Lazy Saturday: Taken to a Whole New Level 2007-09-22 15:08:00 Well, this is something of an odd situation. Last night I was pissed that I couldn't get anything going and as a result was staying home. Well, I did. But at about 2:30 my friend and his girl called...they were on their way home from a party. I was about to go to bed, but they were calling from the parking lot so I went down there and let them in. One is a librarian and the other is a teacher...not the kind of people you'd think would want to stay all night or something.So we come up to my place and they see Netflix envelopes. Immediately FJ begins opening them and one of them is 12 Monkeys, a movie I rent over and over again because I keep forgetting that I've already seen in. Anyway, by this time it's nearly three in the morning and that's not exactly an ideal time to start a movie.I got to sleep somewhere around six or seven and didn't wake up until 2:15 this afternoon. That's pretty messed up. It would've been no big deal, really, but I missed the Klonopin and Priol Read more:Saturday
, Taken
, Whole
, Lazy Saturday
, Whole New Level
Like a Phoenix 2007-09-21 17:57:00 Well, I'm back. Maybe back "like a phoenix" is a little dramatic, but hey. Whatever.The photo to the left isn't that good, but I did the best I could do with the file. I'm attracted to things that are closed down or obsolete. Detritus. Ruins. If you click on the photo the sign says "open daily". Well, not anymore it's not.Traffic returned yesterday and seems to be fairly strong so far today. It's not like I was just running off pouting about it, but it does suck to see something you've put some effort into just kind of shrivel up and die for no good reason. That's what I thought was happening, but apparently not. But I have been very busy with work. It's Friday afternoon, though, so obviously I have time to write. And I should be able to write throughout the weekend and maybe Monday, as well. From there on out it will be dicey.Without any obvious reason, the region I'm in charge of has exploded of late. A few weeks ago I thought the business might go under, and s Read more:Phoenix
Traffic is Down 2007-09-19 18:46:00 For whatever reason, traffic to the site has been down lately. Perhaps my writing has become less interesting. Maybe people are miraculously cured of A/P. Or it could be that the search engines aren't picking BFE up as well. I suppose it could also be that this post from the other day just made readers angry.It doesn't matter what the reason is, this blog is on hiatus. Why write if nobody will read? I'm busy with work, so this is going to take a back seat as long as traffic is down. If more people visit, I'll make the time. Otherwise I'm not.I'll be back in a few days or maybe a week. Or maybe never. I've entertained the idea that writing the blog is doing nothing except keeping my thoughts occupied with my disorder, preventing me from moving along with my recovery. Then again, it seems cathartic and good for me at other times. Who knows? But probably in a few days I'll be back if I had to guess.Until then, Good Night and Good LuckDebaser
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