Owner: BRAINFRIENDENEMY URL:http://www.brainfriendenemy.com Join Date: Sun, 22 Jul 2007 13:41:50 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: a blog for human people: photography, audio, and discussion of the creative process Site statistics:Click here
Mornings, part 198 2007-08-07 08:11:00 It's yet another morning in which I've gotten up with very high anxiety. I had decided to work out in the evenings rather than the mornings because, well, I'm not very good at getting up early. Given that my knees are shot, I'm doing exclusively upper body stuff and my arms feel like jello. I can already see the progress, though. In only four workouts my arms are noticeably bigger. I'd always responded well to weight training: more evidence that I should've been a baseball player.I don't know how I got off on that tangent. So, what I was talking about was that I got out of bed extremely anxious yet again. I took my Klonopin right on time and am just waiting for it to go to work so I can go to work. I find myself wondering if I'll ever be normal again...will I ever be one of the perhaps hundreds of millions of Americans who wake up with a cup of coffee? My brain couldn't handle that right now. I can't even eat breakfast because my body can't handle the jolt of energy Read more:Mornings
Did a Dumb Thing Last Night 2007-08-12 08:31:00 Well, I did something really stupid last night. A friend of mine was having a birthday party and there was, at one point, some pot being passed around. Couldn't resist. I was initially only going to have one hit, but I don't know. I was having a good time and my best judgment eluded me. Before it was through I probably had four or five.Now, I haven't smoked in a long time. I stopped doing it regularly many years ago and well before anxiety/panic became a problem because it got to where pot would make me extremely paranoid. I've been able to handle a hit or two, but more than that's asking for trouble.And trouble is exactly what I got last night.The initial wave was familiar and satisfying. I continued to do alright until a couple of people fell asleep and things got a little quieter. I think a girl started flirting with me, and trying to figure out whether she was or no was when things really started to get in my head.I became extremely self-concious, basically. Followin Read more:Thing
, Night
The "Morning" Post 2007-08-11 13:51:00 I woke up late today and have been very lethargic. Just enjoying a Saturday in my cavern-like apartment as it's too hot to go outside this afternoon. I have plans for later but nothing for now...so I don't know.This is pretty much a garbage, time-filler post, I guess. Will fully admit that.In case your interested about who's writing this blog, I took a personality test this morning: Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||| 46% Stability |||||| 30% Orderliness |||||||||||| 43% Accommodation |||||||||||| 43% Interdependence |||||| 30% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||| 76% Mystical |||| 16% Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Religious |||||||||||||||||| 76% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||| 76% Materialism |||||||||||||| 56% Narcissism |||||||||||||| 56% Adventurousness |||||| 23% Work ethic |||||||||||||||||| 76% Self absorbed |||||||||||||||| 63% Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||| 70% Need to dominate |||||| 30% Romantic Read more:Morning
One of Those Days 2007-08-10 18:05:00 Today was one of those frustrating days. I had an appointment with a new doctor right at noon, and the rest of my work was out in the suburban and exurban hinterlands. And after the fire alarm situation last night, I of course woke up late. So, basically, not much got done today. I was also plagued by stomach cramps for some reason. All day long.Anxiety, though? Not really a problem. Didn't wake up with it and haven't really felt it elevate all day. So even though work was stupid, I'm still putting today in the "good day" category.So I went to the doctor. In this place everyone was Korean, and everything was written in Korean. They had to search for forms in English for me to fill out. That was an interesting experience. Nice people, though. The doctor was Korean, too, of course, but his English was very good. He, apparently, does not like Klonopin and raised his eyebrows when I said I'd been on it for four months (I think it's actually been five). At first he tried
Ad Nauseum 2007-08-09 21:29:00 Creativity is important, dammit. I've talked about it before and I'll talk about it again. Witness Leila V's "anniversary entry". I quote:I’ve found colossal comfort in articulating my episodes and pulling the humor from otherwise humorless situations.But read the whole thing. It's good.I'm going to reiterate a few things. When I start feeling anxious, if I'm able to I'll do one of three things: write, play guitar, or pick up the camera. Anxiety is decreased almost every single time. Not ALL the time, but almost all the time.Again, I really think you have to engage that runaway part of the mind, just like I described in this entry some time ago. Will it work for everyone? I don't know, but I think it will. People are "convinced" they're not creative. Bullshit. Everyone on this Earth is creative. You may or may not have found your inner artist or innovator, but it's there somewhere! If you don't think it is, e-mail me. I'll help you find what's creative abo
Fire Alarm 2007-08-09 21:27:00 To avoid confusion, I'll let you know that I changed the time on this post so that it would come before the one I wrote last night.I finally get to sleep at a decent hour (which for me is midnight), and was awakened at 2:15 or so by the loudest and most annoying alarm you could ever imagine. Strobe lights were going off IN MY APARTMENT. This siren thing would blare and then a loud voice would come on saying something to the effect of "get the hell out of here right now and use the stairs". Over and over the siren and voice looped as I lay in bed wondering if it were some kind of twisted dream.After about ten minutes of listening to this, I decide that it was actually happening. Accordingly, I got dressed and went down the stairs. A grand total of 25 people had evacuated the building. There are something like 475 units here and very few are unoccupied. I guess this must happen often enough that people just stayed where they were, knowing nothing was happening.So I get outside an
Part I - Anxiety Disorders Revealed 2007-08-15 17:02:00 What exactly IS anxiety, you may ask? By definition, anxiety is the unusual and overwhelming sensation of apprehension and fear, generally marked by physiological signs and symptoms.In the “normal” person, anxiety is a functional part of life, and is very common. Ideally, anxiety is only triggered at appropriate intervals – intervals of acute fear or danger (ex: swerving to avoid an accident, slamming the brakes to avoid a deer in the road), and other defensive acts or threats that occur abruptly. Anxiety triggers the body’s “fight or flight” response, which is responsible for the release of Endogenous Catecholamines (Adrenaline reserves). The anxiety is typically short in duration (varying from a fraction of a second, to several minutes depending on the circumstances). Adrenaline is both a stimulant and potent vasoconstrictor, affecting various organ systems, namely the autonomic and sympathetic nervous system(s). Heart rate and blood pressure are increased, the respiratio
New Contributor - Agent Reyes 2007-08-14 16:49:00 Debaser has formally invited me to be a contributor on his blog titled "My brain: My friend, My enemy". Like Debaser, I have had my fair share of issues with regard to anxiety/panic, as well as some unrelated physical issues that have most certainly contributed to the anxiety/panic over a span of four years. Frankly, in some respects, the symptoms of anxiety/panic have surpassed those of the underlying physical issues in my case, often by a large margin. Anxiety is known as the "great imitator", and can mimic almost anything that can be conceived by the human mind and manifest itself as seemingly, and very realistic, signs and symptoms. More often than not, such signs and symptoms are misinterpreted as some disease process (where no actual disease exists). The more notable ones involve the cardiovascular, respiratory, gastrointestinal, and neurological systems. However, anxiety does not discriminate, and almost any bodily system may be adversely effected (or, I should add, perceived by Read more:Contributor
, Agent
, Reyes
The Afternoon, and Taking a Look Back 2007-08-14 15:35:00 I need to catch up on my post-processing, get some new photography done, and then do that post-processing. I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel here.Anyway, so this morning was kind of annoying. I woke up feeling suboptimal but was stuck here for work reasons. I desperately felt the need to leave, but there was nothing I could do. Finally, I decided to head up to the printers' shop and stand there and wait for my stuff to be done. As I approached his front door I got a call saying my order was ready. Perfect timing.And I was in a good place, geographically, too. The printer was sort of on the way to Plano, so I decided not to come home but to just continue on up there. I wasn't there long but it seemed to be productive, and in spite of the heat (I'm finally getting used to it, I guess), I was physically feeling quite good. So good, in fact, that I decided I'd just come home.I'm supposed to get paid on Mondays. Yesterday was Monday and I did not get paid. The check is Read more:Afternoon
, Taking
A Setback Morning 2007-08-14 09:59:00 That photo's resolution is all messed up because I took short cuts. You can't see it at this size, but if you were to click on it the thing wouldn't look so good. It's a static composition, anyway...not my best work by any stretch.Today I woke up feeling like shit for no apparent reason. I think the feeling would leave if I could get things underway, but I'm waiting for a printer to finish a job for me, so I can't really do anything yet. Stuck here, I've exercised, eaten, etc., but the crappy feeling refuses to go away.When I do get my printing done I have to go pick it up, bring it back here, do stuff to it, then leave for Plano, which is the most conservative "big" city in the United States (I read that somewhere). The way it's looking I'll be lucky to get on the road by noon, which is totally absurd.I think once I get moving I'll be fine. Often, the day starts out like this and after everything else has failed, the only thing that helps is just simply pressing on wit Read more:Setback
, Morning
The Poll is Closed 2007-08-13 23:16:00 It seems the majority of respondents reported they have trouble with panic attacks:One is occuring right now: 3% (1)Two hours ago or less: 10% (3)Had one during the last day: 16% (5)Had one during the last week: 26% (8)I'd say the above people (55%) have a significant problem if this is indicative of what they normally go through.Had one at some point during the last month: 23% (7)Haven't had one for over a month: 6% (2)I've never had one: 13% (4)Thanks to those of you who voted. Read more:Closed
Oh My God it is Hot Outside 2007-08-13 17:43:00 The photo to the left (click on it to make it larger) is of a gauge that was not hooked up to my head, but it might as well have been. I have a headache that would kill most people on the spot.Air Pollution Level Red. Temperature at noon? 103 degrees according to the radio. Humidity? I have no idea but it was humid. Wind? None. Clothing? Wool slacks, undershirt, button up dress shirt, neck tie. How intelligent I am! Yes, summer has finally arrived. Tomorrow's forecast is for a toasty 105 degrees. Some of you in Europe and elsewhere around the world are no doubt wondering why I'm not dead. Well, thankfully those are degrees Fahrenheit. It's about 40 Celsius or so, I guess.I ate nothing all day and worked like a madman, hoping to get home early. That did not happen; I got home late. No breakfast except for some crackers. Two bottles of water. That's all I've consumed until a few minutes ago.This is not the right thing to do, see. If it's oppressively hot, the t Read more:Outside
Feeling Good 2007-08-13 08:03:00 I stayed up a little late last night, but I feel good anyway. I got up early and got my paperwork together and am already about to leave. Friday wasn't all that productive so I'm going to go back to the same areas and cover them more thoroughly.Aside from that Saturday night debacle with the pot, I didn't really do much of anything all weekend long. I shot some photos, but it was damn hot so I pretty much stayed home the whole time. Everybody else seemed to be doing the same thing. If I have a weekend like this, usually I'll end up feeling really shitty by the end of it. Not this time. Perhaps it was the exercise? The change in generic Klonopin? I don't know what it was, but I'm feeling good this morning.Anyway, I'm looking forward to a happy and productive week. Today I'm sure I'll wear myself out, but I have some photo stuff I want to do no matter how tired I may be. It doesn't involve a lot of driving, but it does involve going to a really bad neighborhood right Read more:Feeling
Question and Answer Time 2007-08-12 16:10:00 The photo to the left doesn't look good in a small format. Click on it to see it a little bigger. I may actually print an 11x14" of this one.Anyway, it is Sunday, and time to look through the referrals and see what kinds of "questions" there are to answer. This is a weekly installment (most of the time), and other examples can be found by clicking here and scrolling down.Apologies in advance for any redundancy.Keywords "my mothers hot friend": Well, this is something you should be careful with, obviously. When I was a senior in high school the lady across the street had something of a crush on me, and she was hot. My mom told me this years later. The neighbor was married but her husband was in Kuwait repairing and modernizing the oil infrastructure a few years after the 1991 war ended. I kind of knew. The main clue was when she bought me a Fender Stratocaster. Not a Japanese or Mexican made one, either. An American re-issue. I didn't do anything with that lady but regret Read more:Question
Sunday Boring Sunday 2007-08-19 14:37:00 A photo taken in the stairwell of my building.I'm unable to get out today. For no apparent reason my anxiety level has been very high since about an hour after I woke up. It's similar to what happened yesterday...it's not a panic attack, and there wasn't a GI component until the last hour or so. I guess anyone's stomach would bother them if they'd been feeling anxious for such a long period of time. And it's just an "irritated" stomach. There's no bloating or nausea. Just a feeling of discomfort.I guess since my panic attacks are so infrequent these days, maybe it could be said that my condition can be "downgraded" to GAD.Anyway, I have gone through my regimen of coping measures and nothing has worked so far. What I should've done was wake up, shower, and went somewhere. That may have worked, but I had no way of knowing this would happen.Oh well. At least I've gotten to see Johan Santana strikeout 17. Read more:Sunday
Loving the Weekend 2007-08-18 20:57:00 Some friends and I spent the afternoon at Bachman Lake, which is directly adjacent to Dallas Love Field. It's where Southwest Airlines was started, and they still maintain a hub there.So, anyway, it was just a fun afternoon. Eating burgers, playing frisbee, trying to keep the dogs from humping other peoples' dogs. It was really humid but the temperature was reasonable for a change.When I got home, though, I found myself in a very heightened state of anxiety that lasted for about two hours. It wasn't a panic attack. There was no GI component at all; I was just very nervous and jumpy. Not sure what caused that, but things are back to normal now.For the moment I'm trying to figure out whether or not I want to go out tonight. Haven't heard of anything going on, but I could probably get something together. Then again, my Netflix account was reinstated last week and I have the first season of The Tick as well as Metropolis, which I have never seen. So it might be a pretty good Read more:Loving
, Weekend
Identity 2007-08-17 19:56:00 This photo depicts a portion of a mural that's painted in the basement of the building I live in. I do not take photos of others' art and call it mine; this is only for documentary purposes.The rest of the mural is jovial. It's quite large -- covering an entire wall -- and the subject is an urban apartment building with surrounding streets and markets. This portion comes from one of the windows.It could be interpreted that the guy has just finished a song, but to me it suggests identity crisis. He's in a work outfit...suit with tie. He's holding a double bass. To me he looks exceedingly depressed.I play guitar and take photos. I don't wear a jacket to work everyday but I do wear pressed slacks and a tie. I don't feel depressed, though. If you've read this blog for very long you know that I take work very seriously and I take my art almost as seriously. I say "almost" only because there's just no way I can spend as much time on those pursuits.For now, at least, I've
Nothing Like a... 2007-08-17 09:24:00 ...big hunk of metal to greet you in the morning post. That's what the photograph is. Some will call it ugly, no doubt; I call it beautiful. It reminds me of a painting. Click on it to make it larger.I stayed up way too late last night and got up way too early. Writing this post is simply a diversion from a little bout of morning anxiety that I'm having. Actually, I can't wait to get out of here and hit the road. The temperatures, which have been oppressive of late, are only supposed to top out at around 90 today. And there's a chance for rain. Anyway, there's an incredibly big difference between 105 degrees and 90 degrees. Right now it's 80.6! For the first time in at least a week, it's cooler outside than it is in my loft.And I want to publicly thank Agent Reyes for contributing to the blog. His posts, so far, have been to inform the readers and I've made them available on the sidebar under "Favorite Entries". I encourage everyone to have a look at them, especial Read more:Nothing
Sweet, Sweet Progress 2007-08-16 23:42:00 I like to have a photo at the top of the page, but I do not want to distract from Agent Reyes' excellent post below. So if you haven't read it yet, please scroll down and do that.I've had a very, very long work day. Lots of stress, but no real anxiety problem at any point. Not really in the morning, even. Even though there are troubles afoot, I think I'm handling it really well. More retrospection: had this happened several months ago I would've been at the doorstep of some mental hospital, banging on the doors and begging them to admit me.So I've had this fixation on pipes lately. No snide comments. There's just a lot of exposed pipe in the building that's all. It doesn't mean anything! Read more:Sweet
The Treatment of Anxiety Disorders 2007-08-16 19:16:00 The information to follow will largely be devoted to Psychopharmacology, the treatment of anxiety/panic, or anxiety/panic co-existing with depression by means of Pharmacology (medication treatment).No treatment option (pharmacological or otherwise) will provide a total cure. Medication and psychotherapy can be useful tools, but ultimately, there is no known cure for acute anxiety disorders. Ideally, therapeutic treatment options should be used as tools only. Ultimately, only you can address and resolve your own issues, and work them out in your own unique way. This blog is one of many methods that can be utilized to help alter your thought pattern by providing a creative outlet. My own personal creative outlet is drag racing, which has helped me to overcome my driving phobia.As stated earlier, it is crucial that the dominating disorder be differentiated against any secondary disorder, and treated. When anxiety/panic does not occur in isolation, such as when there is a secondary compone Read more:Treatment
More Reminiscing 2007-08-16 09:05:00 Ah, college. What fun that was. I don't remember what year this could've been taken. 1998 or 1999, probably, which means I would've been 23 or 24 years old. Damn I had a good time back then.There's nothing like HP5. Look at that grain! Very hard to replicate digitally. There's probably some photoshop action that can do it, but I don't know that I'd use it if I had it.I don't know who took the photo, either, but they didn't know what they were doing so my face is conveniently obscured. Both photos are way underexposed. But they kind of look good that way, I think. It was most likely a girl, and I was most likely playing her a song to try to get her into bed. Or maybe I was playing a song because she got in bed with me. Or hopefully she was an actual girlfriend. I don't remember any guys ever taking photos of me, though.Those were the days, but these are good days, too. I'm refining my new style, but I think I'm going to be a better photographer than I ever was.
A Blast from the Ancient Past....and other stuff 2007-08-15 20:57:00 I've finally stumbled on some of my old CD archives. Not the good stuff
, yet, but I'll find it eventually. I guess I'll title this photo "Los Angeles Circa 1997". You can click on it to make it larger if you want, but it's soft. In those days I knew my way around a dark room but I didn't know the first thing about scanning. The reason I'm posting it? Read on...I remember the week it was taken very well. I was supposedly enrolled at Cal State LA, but was really out there for more clandestine reasons. Anyway, some friends came to visit this particular week, and I remember I was letting them drive me around when I made this photo somewhere near Hollywood, if memory serves. How does it relate to this blog? The very same day we were walking along Melrose and some chump comes up and asks us to screen a movie. Nothing unusual. It happens all the time out there. Well, I didn't particularly want to go but they did as it would be an unusual experience for them. The film was Read more:Blast
, Ancient
Part II - Anxiety Disorders Revealed 2007-08-15 20:30:00 This post is a continuum to that of the one titled: Part I - Anxiety Disorders Revealed. The initial posting contains the more commonly encountered anxiety disorders, sorted by their DSM-IV classifications. However, they are not comprehensive by any means, and many folks presenting with acute anxiety states will do so atypically. Some will also present with other psychiatric manifestations, generally depression, which may co-exist secondary to the dominating disorder (an acute anxiety state).For the proper treatment to be implemented by the physician, he must possess the ability to differentiate between the dominant disorder, and any secondary disorders that may be present. Treating the dominating disorder will also treat the secondary disorder in the vast majority of cases. However, this does not always hold true (particularly if some physiological component is involved), and responses to medication are largely individualized. In a future post titled "the treatment of anxiety diso
BASEBALL ALERT 2007-08-22 19:45:00 The Texas Rangers, who suck, somehow managed to beat the living hell out of the Baltimore Orioles in the first game of a double header today. The score was thirty to three. THIRTY. That's an American League record. Here is the box score.I wouldn't normally post this, but it's history. Any time a team scores that many runs it's a fluke, but a bad team? The Orioles' pen is spent and there's another game left to play. They're starting a guy with an ERA north of six. I'm betting we see some position players on the mound before tonight's over. Will update.On a side note, apparently I had the date wrong for this open-loft party or whatever. I thought Wednesday would be a weird day for such a thing.Edit: someone has told me that 30 ties the record for runs scored in a doubleheader. I'm not sure if that's true...seems kind of low to me. But if that's right the Rangers have already scored three in the first three innings of game two, so they've broken that. They're up
Setback OVER. 2007-08-22 17:41:00 I deem it so, and so it shall be.The photo to the left was taken last spring while I was still in Austin. I was looking out the window and had noticed this girl, who was walking down the sidewalk, go down to the creek (out of frame to the left). It was slightly unusual, I thought.A few minutes later she reappeared on the other side, literally stumbling up the bank. That's when I decided to get the camera and get a shot of her. Perhaps it's not true, but I really think she smoked a joint under there. She smoked something, I know that, and you don't normally hide if you're walking down the street smoking a cigarette.So there you go.This afternoon I had an appointment at 4:30 near Fair Park. I was home just prior to that, so when I left I took my camera with me. Fair Park is full of awesome deco architecture. It's also the site of a bandshell (similar to the Hollywood Bowl but a lot smaller). There, in 1995, I went with my friend Donut to see a punk rock band called "Fireho Read more:Setback
The Lost Day? 2007-08-22 11:49:00 Well, that photo turned out small on here. You can click on it to make it larger if you like. It's an image of a friend of mine taking a jump shot a couple of years ago. I probably shouldn't post photos of friends on the blog, but this was shot on high-speed film and it's pretty grainy. You can see his face, but you couldn't recognize him from it.I love film. It's hard to shoot digital and get that gritty effect. I can get kind of close with photoshop, but it takes a LONG time and still doesn't quite do it for me. Unfortunately, I sold all my film equipment. I have no film cameras at all anymore, and no darkroom stuff, either.Anyway, I went to sleep at a reasonable hour but didn't get out of bed until 10:30 in the morning! I don't know what's going on. Luckily I have no anxiety to speak of. Since it's so late I'm wondering what to do with the day...I could just take the day off. I could do some office work/reorganization. But I really need to get out and deliver
A Setback of Some Kind 2007-08-21 16:52:00 Today's photo is another from the wayback machine. I found it on a CD that was in the trunk of my car. I remember making this photo very well because it took a LONG damn time to make. It was in the summer of 2002, in the "dark days" a year or two before I left for Austin.The photo was made by what was then a fairly expensive digital camera (four whole megapixels). It actually took some good shots. The lens was a a Zeiss, so the bokeh and colors always looked good. The camera was not exactly a point and shoot, either. It had a fixed lens but had full manual capability, aperature priority, and shutter priority. The only bad thing was that you couldn't really turn the autofocus off, and the auto focus sucked. So that's why it took so long to make this photo.It was my favorite whiskey glass at the time, and the dishwasher managed to break it. The goal of the photo was to show my profound disappointment. That's me in the background there, of course. The original looked okay Read more:Setback
More About Agent Reyes 2007-08-20 21:54:00 Prior to September of 2004, I was employed as an electrical engineer, electrician, assembler, and mechanic with a manufacturer of long wall/continuous mining equipment. The above photo is of a continuous miner, similar to the types I used to build. The first photo is of a newly manufactured miner, and the second shows the miner in action.They were well built, but nothing is without its flaws. On rare occasion, they would break down in the field, which meant traveling out to the mining site to perform repairs – sometimes within the actual mine, itself. Anxiety provoking? Absolutely. There was always a risk of explosion from methane gas, the risk of the roof collapsing, and other various risk factors involved. The idea was to work as quickly as possible to restore normal operation and then get the hell out of there. Fortunately, when the equipment would break down, it was more often than not shipped to one of our various service centers for repair.Reflecting back on the past, life was Read more:Agent
, Reyes
The Window 2007-08-20 17:44:00 This photo required two exposures to make, and I forgot to lock focus between them so you can click on it to make it larger if you like, but it's not very good close up. I post it only as an illustration.My last two posts described consecutive days in which I woke up and shortly thereafter experienced high anxiety levels. The first day was Sunday and I didn't really have anything to do, and figured it would just go away. But it didn't.The second day was Monday and I had to work. In spite of the anxiety I had to press on, and the anxiety subsided. I've posted about that before. Getting involved in something else simply puts you in a different frame of mind.However, in the midst of that horrible anxiety spell I had on Sunday I wanted to go out and get it off my mind, but became so anxious so quickly that I couldn't. Thing is, if I had gotten involved in something early enough I probably could've averted the day-long battle. There appears to be a window. On some days it may Read more:Window
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