Owner: BRAINFRIENDENEMY URL:http://www.brainfriendenemy.com Join Date: Sun, 22 Jul 2007 13:41:50 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: a blog for human people: photography, audio, and discussion of the creative process Site statistics:Click here
Stuff Portrait Fridays 2007-07-27 06:55:00 Stuff PortraitFridays
is a thing they do over at Random and Odd, and I'm taking part for the first time. Basically, she gives an assignment every week and you have to photograph and post your example to the always-amazing Interwebnet.So, this week the assignment was rainbows. You'd think there'd be a lot of rainbows with as much rain as we've had, but no. Maybe rainbows are rare in Texas? Either way, real rainbows are girly and not for me.Instead I took a photo of Thanksgiving Chapel the other day. It turned out okay in color but I liked the black and white better so I posted that. In real life, all of the colors of a rainbow are represented in the stained glass, of course.I don't really like the crop of the photo and it's horribly derivative, so perhaps that's why I had the inclination do it B/W.Other Friday Morning Items:Looks to be a slowish work day today. Traffic is always hell all day on Fridays, so I'll do the best I can and just concentrate on one area.My brief
Just Some Photos 2007-07-26 21:41:00 Push to Exit:Door Frame:Stairs:Titles normally go below artwork, not above. I'm a real rebel. Someday soon I'm going to switch camera systems so I won't have to worry about the rain killing my camera. It'll be my next major purchase. I probably don't have to worry about light rain screwing up my 7D, but better safe than sorry. Anyway, this boring tripe is what you get from me when it's raining.Have a good night!
Bloody Weather 2007-07-26 18:50:00 The storm sticks out its greedy little fingers as it approaches. It has never stopped raining, and by the looks of things it'll be late tonight before it does.Therefore, there will be no photos of the 'splosion site today. It will remain exploded, though, so there will be time for it later. I do have a couple of inside shots that I'll post later, though. The building I live in was constructed in 1913, so if you look around a while you can find some interesting looking things.While ago I had eaten a Slim Jim and as a result felt the need for a Maalox tablet. I went into the bathroom with something else on my mind, and damn if I didn't take my Klonopin instead. More than an hour and a half early! I wonder if anxiety will be an issue tomorrow morning? If so, it may suggest that I have been having interdose issues, which can be addressed simply by adding another .25 or .50 mg in the afternoons. I'll talk to my asshole of a doctor about it when I see him early week after next.
Out of Stuff to Say 2007-07-26 08:24:00 Since I vowed to stop bitching and moaning on the blog, I've found that I have much less to say. My creative pendulum has swung toward music for the moment, and since I lost my recorder there's no way I can post my guitar playin'.So, uh....I got up a little before 7am today. I'm sitting around here for now because I was expecting an overnight package yesterday that never came, probably because of all the freeways being shut down. This part of town was just a nightmare. So I'm hoping they put it on the morning truck and get it to me within a half hour or so.All roads are open now. There will definitely be photography tonight because I'm going to go take photos of that place that blew up, and I have a couple of other things in mind, too. I need good light, though, so I have to wait until around sunset and it might not make it in the blog until tomorrow.Ummm...I wish a certain someone would agree to be a co-contributor on here.This anxiety that I've been experiencing....man,
Odd Morning (Derailed Everything) 2007-07-25 17:54:00 So if you've watched the news today, you know about the explosions that happened near downtown Dallas this morning. Well, the first image highlights the building, and there's not much left of it now.The second image is actually where I was when it exploded. I got up a little late, but also had paperwork to do and didn't the road until about 9:30. The smaller ellipse shows my exact position when I noticed the fire. Traffic was slow. A few moments later and perhaps a hundred yards down the road, all hell broke loose. The biggest mushroom cloud I've ever seen erupted, my car and other cars and trucks were visibly shaken by the shock wave, and a few moments later fiery debris was raining down all over the freeway.Many people got stopped their cars and started running. I looked and saw how far this stuff was flying and decided to stay put. My odds of getting hit wouldn't be improved by running in the opposite direction, I thought, and at least I'd have some metal surrounding m Read more:Morning
, Everything
Busy Day Ahead 2007-07-25 08:24:00 I have a very busy day ahead of me so I don't have long to post. There's some photography I did last night that I'd like to put up but I don't even have time for that.I will say, however, that I have woken up feeling much better than I have been over the last few days. My slump must be over. While I did have a little bit of a weird stomach issue last night, I'm happy that I refrained from posting it on here. I wrote in a journal sorta format instead. I recommend that everyone do that when they're feeling their anxiety kick up. It really helps. Chances are you'll begin writing by complaining about your anxiety, but if you let your self go stream o' consciousness style, you'll eventually go off on a tangent and that's when you'll start feeling better. Or at least it works for me.I went to the supermarket the other day and didn't buy any kind of breakfast food or anything that's quick and easy to prepare. Dammit. I have some prep work to do before I leave and it's
Just a couple of photos 2007-07-29 21:02:00 I couldn't get very close to the scene of the actual explosion. These are both from the business next door. Read more:couple
, photos
I'm Barely Alive 2007-07-29 11:47:00 I've never experienced this anxiety symptom they call "depersonalization" until now. At least I guess that's what it is. Pretty much, I'm not all there. It doesn't feel like I'm doing the things I'm doing.I'm a little anxious, I suppose. This strange sensation could also be a product of having very little sleep. And I drank a little last night. Not much, but enough to feel it.But, yes, there's some anxiety. I woke up and felt absolutely horrible. While going throught my normal troublehooting process, it was found that I hadn't eaten in quite a while. So, naturally, I make a nice sandwich. Turkey and a half slice of baby swiss. My stomach's not as bad as it was before. Eating was clearly the right thing to do, yet I still have discomfort: it's just changed its character completely. Better, but not good, and definitely anxiety-related.Yes, I'm back to the point that I get anxious almost every time I eat. It doesn't matter what it is, I'll get sick afterwards t Read more:Barely
, Alive
More About My Mother 2007-07-28 10:01:00 The photo is called "The Urban Jungle Reclaims a Bungalow". In Photoshop it looks great, but here it looks over-sharpened and a shade too dark. That's not very good, but you get the idea.In my last entry, I made some disparaging remarks about my mother. They are all true. However, I kind of feel bad about it because it's only part of the story.She's a great woman and has been a great mother to me. Normally she's kind and generous. For example, she STILL pays for my car insurance even though I'm 31 years old. She'll have it no other way. When I was younger we were very poor. My dad left and my mom had to re-enter the workforce at minimum wage. Obviously, making the house payment was difficult. There was no money to do anything else. Eventually she received small promotions and finally got remarried, but for a number of years we didn't have anything. She says that paying for my car insurance now is her way of making up for it. I find that amusing, but whatever. It s
Another Week Over 2007-07-27 18:48:00 Well, I was going to go to Fort Worth tomorrow to visit my mother. I love my mom, but she's a real handful. A very needy widow. I'm not going to go into details, but I swear to God she makes her life more complicated than it has to be just so she can drag herself and everyone else into a steaming pit of misery. I'm not going to Fort Worth tomorrow. Never shy, I called her on what she was doing. About how she needs to get back to the doctor for her depression. How I'm not going to respond to her trying to blame her problems on me, etc. I told her last week that I'd TRY to be in Fort Worth today so I could go to her house after work and spend the night there. She calls me at 4 o'clock and asks why I'm not there. "Well, I'm working", I responded."I thought you were going to come home today? Where are you?""I'm on the east side of Fort Worth. I was going to try to come home but I have to go back to the office to fax some things back.""Well that doesn't make any sense.
The Poll is Closed 2007-08-01 15:05:00 Only 21 people responded even though I know without a doubt that I have far more regular readers than that. What is wrong with you people?Anyway, 13 females and 8 males. Demographically that makes sense. A/P is not as prevalent among men as it is among women for some reason. I didn't think I had any male readers, though, so that's a surprise. Read more:Closed
I've been making a few changes 2007-08-01 07:25:00 The last couple days I've been getting to bed earlier and waking up earlier. This is primarily so I can eat some sort of breakfast, get my prep done, and still have time to leave as soon as the rush hour ends. I had been getting up so late (around 8am) that I had no time to eat and by the time I was prepared to go I had to work through lunch in order to make up for it.I'm trying to see if eating 3 small meals and a normal meal in lieu of the equivalent of one small meal and a large-ish meal will make any difference. People say "oh, you'll feel so much better". So far, they're full of shit. The experiment has two days left, and if it doesn't work, I'm going back to my old ways with the exception of the sleeping changes
. I've found that I like being up early, and in fact I might start waking up even earlier and that'll be my gym time. Knee is almost healed. Almost.I know exercise will do me some good. There's little doubt about that, and when I realized I haven't start Read more:making
Problem With This Blog -- please read/respond 2007-07-31 18:10:00 I was just down in the "business" center of my apartment building to do some printing, and while I was waiting I decided to log on and look at the site. At seems that all the images I have hosted at photobucket were cut off on the right side. You should see a black border that completely surrounds the photo in the preceding post, for example. Do you see that or is it cut off?I'd never noticed. On my screen it's always looked fine. But it's obviously a big problem if some of my photography has about 1/3 or it lopped off. Let me know what you see via e-mail or comment, please. Read more:Problem
Guess I Should Blog Something 2007-07-31 15:29:00 I came home earlier because it began to storm, and you cannot get around town when it's raining. Especially when it's approaching rush-hour. You may have noticed that I haven't been writing as much lately. Well, I don't have a lot to say, one way or the other. I feel okay but not tremendous. The newness of Dallas and my new place has worn off. I've been working hard but I'm still not seeing any tangible results. I will at some point..I have no worries there. But it would make things a lot more fun if I were seeing some results, for sure. Everything's just kind of...blah. There's no girl action. My friends are all busy and coupled up. I guess I'm a little bored.Anxiety hasn't been a problem. I still feel it, but I'm pretty sure about what I need to do to fix it so no problem there. Writing about anxiety/panic when I don't have it is kind of like tempting fate for me, so I'll just leave it at that.It's time again that I ask if someone would like to contribute Read more:Guess
Always Something 2007-07-30 09:08:00 I'm just not good at waking up. Today I have one bastard of a headache...a sinus headache. Can I just get out of bed feeling normal for once? It's not like I'm 75 years old, you know?This headache is pervasive. The pressure is so great that my neck and jawline hurt. My eyesight's even off. The cure? Pills, but I don't take pills. The only other alternative is a really long and hot shower, which is tricky because a shower can actually make it worse. Meanwhile it's after 9:00 am and I haven't done anything. I know headaches, and this one will go away at some point. As bad as it is, it's the type that goes away. But until it does there's not much else I can think about.And such is the life of an anxiety sufferer. Now the headache I have is bad. It's not anxiety-induced. It's real and it's bad enough to slow anyone down. It doesn't merely slow me down, though...it stops me. If I had a job in which I absolutely had to be at a certain place at a certain time I
A Good Weekend to You All 2007-08-03 21:56:00 I'll be out of town all day tomorrow and am about to go out for the evening, so I thought I'd say 'have a good weekend' to everyone. I'll be back Sunday but I have plans most of the day.The toy fire truck turned out to be a memento from the longest day I've ever worked in my life. I came in at seven in the morning one time while I was working my old job, and didn't get home until eleven at night. We had a hearing the next morning and had to revise an appraisal at the last minute. I had to deliver the appraisal to the assistant attorney general's home as soon as I could get it, and he lived 25 miles southwest of Austin. That was a hard day.Anyway, I stopped to get gas on the way back and bought this thing at a convenience store. Riveting story, I know. Read more:Weekend
Well That's Nice 2007-08-03 11:42:00 I came home to eat lunch (yes, that's right, I'm trying to eat lunch) only to check my e-mail and find that the blog has won something. HealthCentral.com and their spin off anxietyconnection.com picked me to win that new thing you see in the side bar.I never thought I'd win anything like that because I use bad words.Click here to see the other winners in the category. Some of them I have linked in my sidebar already and I know they're good places to go. There are a couple I haven't read yet but I will when I can. Click here to look at all the winners in every category.Honestly, I don't think I've ever heard of Health Central, but they appear solid to me after a quick look at their content.So there you go. Thanks to Health Central.
Okay, I have a problem 2007-08-03 06:54:00 I know I vowed not to turn my blog into a bitch session anymore, but this morning I cannot help it. I woke up at exactly 6:30 this morning having a panic attack. This wasn't one of the "50%" panic attacks that I've been somewhat used to, nor was it an all-out, full-blown assault on the senses like I had in the past. I'd say it was an "80-85%" panic attack. At the precipice of Hell.It's still happening nearly forty minutes later; I don't know why I'm talking about it in the past tense. About fifteen minutes ago I took a half a Klonopin under the tongue and I have responded to it enough to sit down and write. In fifty minutes my regular dose is due and I'll take it the normal way.Here's a time line of events that I actually started writing with:Sometime late yesterday evening: went to target to pick up a couple of things. There's a Whataburger across the street. Couldn't resist getting a cheeseburger.Post-cheeseburger: felt fine. No ill effects whatsoever.At some point
The Circus is in Town 2007-08-02 20:50:00 I was on my way out of town this morning when a renegade truck kept me from getting in the lane I needed to be in. Therefore I had to take this left, and when I did I saw these train cars. Having left my camera at home, I hoped all day that they'd still be there this evening and obviously they were.I didn't know the circus uses trains.Anyway, I have nothing new to report. I was invited to go to the opening of the Dallas Video Festival by a friend of mine, but I didn't go because I had too much paperwork. Thursdays are really bad for that. Clearly something's gotta give because usually it's Thursday's that have the low-key social kinda stuff that I like to do. Rock shows are cool, but they're few and far between in stupid Dallas these days. I may have to form a band and single handedly revive Dallas Rock City. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.So now that I'm finally done with paperwork I've got nothing to do. I'm too lazy to go far and have Read more:Circus
DAMMIT ALL TO HELL 2007-08-02 07:12:00 In keeping with what I said yesterday or the day before that or whenever it was, I again woke up extremely early this morning and attempted to work out. Attempted.My knee -- specifically the left one but the right's also giving me trouble-- needs medical attention. It hurts.I managed to bite the bullet and get the ol' heart rate up for 10 or 15 minutes, though. My muscles were working. I began to sweat. It was painful but going well until the pain became too much even for me to bear. So I had to stop about fifteen minutes in, and that really sucks.Secretly I'd made a pact to myself to lose 10 pounds in the next 20 days. I can do that; I've done it before. It requires exercises, cutting calorie consumption, getting lots of sleep, and drinking exclusively water. I was surprised to learn that I weigh 195 pounds. 195 is too much for me. I have a muscular build and do not appear obese by any means, but 195 is soft. I generally look pretty good at 180 to 185.And if I could fu
Before and After the Storm 2007-08-01 21:49:00 This isn't very inspired photography or anything, but it was before and after the storm so whatever.Before (trees blowing around like crazy):After (low clouds pass through downtown):After (heavy air, dusk):So that's that. It's worth noting that even the night shot was taken with a very long lens, hand held. The 7D is an amazing camera for sure. It's three years old, though, and I look forward to upgrading it when the new semi-pro version is out later this year.Anyway, my day was pretty good. I didn't have a bunch of small meals like I intended, but I worked well and didn't really have a significant anxiety problem all day. I think this slight depression I've been having is totally job-related and things are starting to turn around. Real good day today.In fact, I only had two minor periods of anxiety: one as I was leaving this morning (happens frequently), and another after I ate a turkey sandwich while ago. Turkey sandwich...because they're a pretty inoffensive food I at Read more:Storm
Isolation 2007-08-06 19:21:00 As a single guy in a new city, and one who's never made friends easily, sometimes isolation can be a problem. Even us introverts need to hang out with friends sometimes.I think my problems this morning and perhaps on Friday morning stemmed mostly from that. During the weekend I did spend a night out with friends, but there were so many acquaintances and strangers around that I did feel a bit isolated even though I was in a sea of people. It's also worth mentioning that everyone was drunk except for me, which is hard to tolerate for me unless a band is playing. Sunday was spent with my mother and grandmother. That's great, but that's not a social activity.So today rolls around and I haven't spent any time with anybody in a while. No good conversations. After waking up feeling anxious and quite ill, I steadily got better all day but didn't really do anything. By the time I was really capable of working, more than half the day was gone. I decided to call up a friend of min Read more:Isolation
I Feel Like I'm Going Backwards 2007-08-06 10:56:00 First, there was the panic attack that I woke with on Friday morning. The weekend went fairly well, but last night another one came on. It was a little different in character, but basically the same thing. It kept me up until well past two in the morning. I got up today at 7:30 feeling okay but literally too tired to get out of bed. I turned my alarms off and thought since it was the beginning of the workweek I should start it off with enough rest. I woke up a couple of more times before finally getting out of bed a little before 10:30. That's obviously way too late.Woke with ocular migraine. It was mild and went away within ten minutes. The real problem, again, was nausea. It was the same way I went to bed. I took my Klonopin shortly after getting up and will soon see if that's enough to knock it out. I'm feeling a bit better now. Symptoms are a little less nausea than before, hot, nervous, and a bunch of weird tastes in my mouth.I wish I knew why I'm suddenly having Read more:Going
, Backwards
Question and Answer Time 2007-08-05 17:32:00 People are always wondering what I look like, so I thought I'd post the self-portrait below. It's a little abstract, I guess.Anyway, I skipped last week's Q&A by mistake, but here's this week's. In case you don't know, this is where I look through my search engine referrals and look for questions to answer. Past "issues" can be found here.Keywords "everywhere in helicopter": This query came from the unfairly maligned country of France. Personally, I think it's a pretty cool place. Anyway, they were most likely looking for this Guided By Voices song, which I posted some time ago.Keywords "who in charge me or my brain": This search originated in the UK. Perhaps it was Ali G? Anyway, the obvious answer is that your brain is you, and it is charge of you, but you are ultimately in charge of it since it's you.Keywords "panic attack after waking in the morning": Not uncommon at all, and in fact it happened to me on Friday. Before I was medicated it would be an almost daily ev Read more:Question
Well... 2007-08-05 09:40:00 I find myself at my mother's house this Sunday morning. I was hanging out in Fort Worth with friends last night and came in very late; somehow, someway, she has so far been in a good mood the entire time. Of course, it's only been a couple of hours.Pretty soon I'm going to do a bunch of work for her and then go visit my grandmother. My anxiety level has been extremely high this morning. Just short of a panic attack. I've been having symptoms I normally do not have...chest tightness, dizziness, etc. I've had that stuff before but it's rare. It's weird how sometime these high anxiety periods can come out of nowhere, but other times you have little doubt about where it's coming from. In my case today it's because I'm somewhere at which I cannot feel comfortable. With her mood lately, I feel like I'm walking on glass all the time. One wrong step...one wrong word, and she could just explode into a fit. But then, sometimes I can totally be myself and she takes everything
Extending the ol' Poll 2007-08-09 16:48:00 I know I have 40 to 50 regular readers. 22 people have voted but there have been hundreds of unique visitors since the poll was put up and I don't know if I have a good sample. I'm going to extend the poll for two more days, and please vote if you're a regular reader. It helps to know who my audience is.The poll, of course, is in the top/right section of your screen. Can't miss it.
Home for...Lunch??? 2007-08-09 10:50:00 The photo to the left is one of the first I made when I got my DSLR. The post-processing is minimal but the impressive thing to me was that I could hand hold a shot like that I night. The location is S. Congress in Austin, just a block away from a bar I used to frequent back when I could drink alcohol.Anyway, since I'm worked central Dallas today, I thought I'd come home and see what it's like to eat lunch on a workday then go back out into the heat. My body will either handle it fine or I'll be coming home early, I guess. Sometimes it's just necessary to push yourself a little while recovering. Otherwise you'll never know what you're capable of. This eating/anxiety issue is something I'm going to have to overcome at some point, so maybe I'll start today. If it doesn't work out, however, that's fine. I'll just push a little less next time.I woke up a bit late today but didn't have an elevated anxiety level for the second day in a row. I guess I'm coming out of tha Read more:Lunch
The Light Day That Wasn't 2007-08-08 19:09:00 Boy, I worked hard today. It's 7:30 and I just now finished up, so I'm too tired to do my daily photo expedition. To the left is a "lazy" photograph that means nothing and doesn't have much appeal at all.I'm also quite anxious. It's hard to wind down on a day like today. Tomorrow looks like more of the same thing, only I'm not going to overwork again. I say that and I probably will, but I hope not, because Friday's going to be difficult enough.Speaking of Friday, I decided to avoid the whole going all the way back to Austin just to get a clonazepam refill. I'm just going to a local doc whose charging me $75 and I'll remain at my current dose for the next month. That damned appointment is right at noon in central Dallas on a day that I really need to be in the outlying areas. It's going to be a mad rush.Not long ago I formulated a plan in hopes of reducing my anxiety level. The tenants of this plan were as follows:Change sleeping habitsChange eating habitsGet exercise
Finally, a Decent Morning 2007-08-08 08:35:00 Today's photo normally wouldn't see the light of day on this blog. There's really nothing interesting about it, but as I've said on many occasions, most of my archives have been lost to water damage and the rest are just plain lost, so all I have to post is from the last few months.Anyway, I fell asleep at my desk chair while screwing around on the internet again. Nearest I can tell I got about six hours of sleep or so. Enough to function on if I were in bed, but since I wasn't I'm going to crash at some point later today. I don't know why I have trouble physically making it to the bed so often. It's crazy and it's a pain in the ass.I woke up with a little morning anxiety which has been par for the course of late, but it wasn't as bad as it has been. The very first thing I did was get in front of the mirror and to my little "fifteen minute weight training program". God, my arms hurt. But it seemed to help with the anxiety, though, and that was the point of doing it wh Read more:Finally
, Decent
, Morning
Looking for a Contributor 2007-08-07 21:57:00 Well, I thought I had a contributor but I haven't heard from her, so I'm moving on. SERIOUS inquiries only! I'm tired of people expressing interest and falling off the face of the Earth.Again, what I'm looking for is someone to post much like I do, but has maybe a little more time to devote to the "nuts and bolts" of A/P disorder. What you write about is your business, of course. But I'd appreciate it if the contributor could devote some time to that.As my business here in Dallas gets more and more established, I'm going to have less and less time.So with that out of the way...The photo isn't very intriguing in and of itself, but it's a historical location, you see. This is the fence directly behind the infamous Grassy Knoll, where most people who don't believe the Warren Report figure an assassin was perched. This photo was taken exactly where they supposedly were, although I decided to focus on the writing instead of Elm Street.I have some more photos from the area and Read more:Contributor
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