Owner: Freewill Tastes Like Chicken URL:http://averyarcher.blogspot.com Join Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2006 17:16:28 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: Kant demonstrated that although our minds are free, we are still required to make an initial twenty-five percent down-payment on our bodies. Site statistics:Click here
Financial Woes 2006-09-21 01:27:00 My financial situation has been growing exponentially worse. In fact, my last credit card bill was so big that I could've sworn that just before I opened it there was a drum roll. Diane thinks my monetary woes may have something to do with my gambling problem. I explained to her that I didn't have a "problem' since I could stop anytime I wanted. She didn't believe me so I asked if she was willing to make a small wager. As if my economic problems weren't bad enough, yesterday my therapist threatened that if I don't pay him soon he'll let me go mad. Read more:Financial
Postpartum Depression: The Video Game! 2006-08-30 15:08:00 Without doubt, the most coveted role-playing game presently on the market is "Perinatal Perils' from PlayStation. You are Molly, a 25 year old suffering from schizoaffective disorder that has just given birth to twins. The object of the game is to steer Molly through 12 emotionally charged levels (each representing one month following parturition) in which you must cope with symptoms ranging from run-of-the-mil "baby blues' and restlessness to full-blown postpartum psychosis and obsessive worrying about your children's safety. In the fight against peripartum depression you wield several weapons, including Talk Therapy, Lithium and trying to take naps when the babies are napping. This game is rated M (Mature) for violence, excessive prescription drug use, and engendering feelings of guilt and utter worthlessness in the player. Read more:Postpartum
Finding Your Purpose 2006-08-24 19:28:00
What is my purpose in life? This question has stumped seers, sages, and soothsayers (not to mention my parents) since time immemorial. Why all these great thinkers have sought to uncover the purpose of my life, I am not quite sure (but it may have something to do with my habit of aimlessly wondering around gift-shops without ever making a purchase). But whatever explanation lies behind the search, this much is clear: though the answer seems forever nearby, it continues to elude us, like a name we know but can't recall. That is of course, until now.
But I'm not going to disclose the answer to the question "what is my purpose in life?' here, because quite frankly it is none of your business. I will, however, offer you a recipe for finding the purpose of your own life. The answer can be summarised in two words: reverse engineering. Reverse engineering (RE) refers to the act of taking some unfamiliar device or piece of technology apart in order to figure out what it does and how Read more:Purpose
The Immoral Minority 2006-08-15 16:57:00 It's hard being the minority, especially since one often finds oneself outnumbered. This is no less true in the sphere of religion; and when it comes to the flock of God, atheists are clearly the black sheep. But I haven't always been a member of the god-hating atheist minority. On the contrary, I was actually quite religious as a child. When I was only six years old I decided to enter the priesthood. Of course my parents assumed that it was just a childish phase I was going through, especially when I began holding mass for my Lego blocks and G.I. Joe action figures. But I approached my ministerial aspirations with the determination of a wine stain on a silk blouse. At once I implemented a strict spiritual dietary regimen consisting of the Old and New Testament scriptures, the writings of the church fathers and Veggie Tale videos. My bedroom wall boasted a signed pin-up poster of Mother Theresa and next to my closet stood a life-size cut-out of the pope. Each morning the sun peeked Read more:Immoral
, Minority
Scientists Discover Eating is Good for You! 2006-08-07 15:53:00
London
Sunday Telegraph
Zürich, CH
—Swiss and German scientists have recently discovered that eating food is nutritionally beneficial. "Members of the scientific community have long assumed that eating is important for life" remarks Joseph Goldstein, winner of the1985 Nobel Prize in physiology and medicine. "But no one has ever demonstrated experimentally that this is so—that is until now!"
The groundbreaking study, lead by biochemist Albert von Hohenheim and medical researcher Katherine Müller, took the form of an elaborate controlled experiment that utilised three sample groups, composed of twenty subjects each. The first group was provided with three balanced meals per day while the second group was provided with no meals and were carefully monitored to ensure they didn't eat anything within the thirty-day duration of the experiment. Hohenheim and Müller were surprised to discover that while the members of the first grou Read more:Discover
Why My Face Hurts... 2006-08-02 01:21:00 Lately, I've been feeling as anxious as a cat's tail in a house full of rocking chairs. But the strange thing is that I'm not sure why. My therapist said that we philosophers tend to be very insecure. I suspect it may have something to do with how we are socialised. One of my colleagues said that his family has a longstanding tradition according to which the favourite son would become a doctor while the least favourite son would study philosophy. Can you imagine what growing up in such a home environment would do to one's self esteem? Fortunately my parents are equally proud and supportive of all their children. (Or at least that's what they told me the day my older brother graduated from medical school.)
Nevertheless, I still find myself with about as much confidence as a 40-year-old ex-nun on her wedding night. Perhaps that explains why I tend to be so indecisive. Just this morning my girlfriend wanted to know if I would prefer eggs or pancakes, and I simply couldn't make u
Superman: Illegal Alien? 2006-07-15 19:01:00
BBC News
WASHINGTON, DC—The recent Whitehouse crackdown on illegal immigration has called attention to perhaps the most arrant illegal alien of them all: Superman
! Fleeing his home planet of Krypton, the soi-disant "Man of Steel' crash-landed somewhere in the heartlands of rural Kansas. However, as Senate Majority leader Bill Frist observed before the House on Wednesday, "Superman crossed our galactic borders without going through the proper legal channels. He was never issued a visa or green card and it is believed that he continues to reside on American soil without appropriate documentation. We consider this conduct anything but super!"
"Superman threatens the livelihood of local superheroes," complains a livid Captain America. "He's stronger, faster and tougher than everyone else, and now he's putting us all out of work!" The Flash, who was recently relieved of his position in the Justice League after receiving a memo saying he had been rendered obsolete by Read more:Alien
, Illegal Alien
Freewill Tastes Like Chicken! 2006-07-01 19:01:00 Few philosophical puzzles have proven to be as intractable as the question: are we truly free? (Other equally perplexing quandaries include how did the universe begin, is space infinite, why do I get aroused whenever someone mentions the planet Uranus, and does this fact make me gay?) Immanuel Kant demonstrated that freewill is a necessary prerequisite for being a rational and morally virtuous individual, thereby proving conclusively that French women don't have souls. Kant also complained that although our minds are free, we are still required to make an initial twenty-five percent down-payment on our bodies. But the question remains, could freewill be nothing more than our ignorance of the true causes of our thoughts and actions? Could we all just be automatons programmed to think that we are thinking, when in fact there actually aren't any thoughts being thought? Now there's something to think about! But I suppose that the real question on everyone's mind is what does this g Read more:Chicken
Happy New Year! 2007-01-01 18:04:00 Once again I am sending you New Years greetings from Britain's own third-world country, Scotland. (I've lived here long enough to get past the initial novelty inspired "ooh, ahhh' phase, and I've finally settled into the calm cynicism that comes from living in any country for a lengthy period of time.) As many of you already know, at the beginning of each year I typically send out a New Years greeting. As always, I have a list of lessons I've learned from the year gone by, which I offer to you now free of charge (though generous donations are encouraged).
I've learned that when you're in a foreign country it is always the little things that get you, like the missing "American Standard' label on the toilet tank.
I've learned that when it comes to politics, the facts tends to exceed the American public's curiosity, and that while everyone loves a good Armageddon now and then, the rapture just isn't an exit strategy.
I've learned that after a breakup, most women expect Read more:Happy
, Happy New Year
The Categorical Imperative of Shagging 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Shag so that your shagging may always be taken as an end in itself and not merely as a means to an end. This penetrating truth (no pun intended) represents the Copernican Revolution in Coitus, and is rooted in the fact that unlike other creatures that engage in sex simply for reproduction, humans are capable of enjoying sex as an end in itself. But the Categorical Imperative of Shagging takes the form of an imperative because we often find ourselves using sex for purposes other than sex. For example, many of us use sex as a means of gaining love. But as the common saying goes, you cannot use sex to buy love—particularly given the present rate of inflation. Another common misuse of sex is as a means of punishing your partner. However, the bedroom is not the place to get even or to play the role of the victim or victimiser.We all have a duty to enjoy sex; and that involves knowing what we want and asking for it. But sadly, many of us are so out of touch with our own bodies that we have
All Alone 1970-01-01 00:59:59 As you may have already guessed, I got into philosophy primarily for the money and women. But why didn't someone warn me about just how solitary the life of a philosophy postgrad could be. I don't think I've felt this lonely since elementary school. Back then, my only companions were my two imaginary friends, Elma and Capt. Amazing. What's worse, they only played with each other.But at least I still have my books. Ah, my books.
Moving On Up... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I'm in the big times now ya'll! That's right, I've recently been featured on the internationally acclaimed Expat Interviews. You can now check out my interview, in which I infuse my usual cheerful, upbeat disposition into an engaging exchange about life in the Kingdom of Fife! Disclaimer: The views expressed here are those of the interviewee, and do not necessarily represent, in whole or in part, those of Expat Interviews, Inc. and its subsidiaries. In fact, we're a bit embarrassed about the whole thing! Read more:Moving
Security Alert 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Today, the St Andrews police (the real Scotland Yard?) reported that someone was rubbed by a gang of ruffians somewhere on campus. They therefore warned students to be extra careful when walking home late at night from the "library' (which is one of the many Scottish words for "pub').Try as I may, I can't bring myself to take their admonition seriously. Can you imagine leaving Harlem, New York only to be mugged on the mean streets of…Fife? How would I ever be able to look at my own reflection in the mirror knowing that I was held up by three men wearing plaid skirts?But let me not make light of the affair, since gang violence of any stripe is always a serious matter—especially when kilts and bagpipes are involved. What's worse, according to the police reports the entire ordeal took much longer than was necessary since halfway through the mugging the assailants had to break for tea, returning to finish up the crime a full twenty-five minutes later. This was of course a g Read more:Alert
Nietzsche's Platform 1970-01-01 00:59:59 God says he loves humankind, but over the last four hundred years more people have died from "acts of God" than from all the wars (and other acts of violence) perpetrated by human beings throughout history combined. God claims he is just, and yet he prescribes infinite punishment for a finite number of wrongs. (Whatever happened to punishment commensurate with the crime?) Isn't it time we had a deity that was true to his word?The time has come to take the next step in human evolution. The time has come to put aside the Son of Man and embrace the Superman! Vote Antichrist!I am Nietzsche
, and I approve this message.(Paid for by The Society for a Better Deity) Read more:Platform
The Truth About Werewolves 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Larry:We have on our show tonight, Kevin P. Howard. Kevin is the grandson of the famous werewolf, Scott Howard, on whose life the movie Teen Wolf was loosely based. Kevin is an outspoken preternatural rights activist and founder of People Against the Defamation of Lycans. Welcome Kevin. Werewolf:Thanks Larry, I'm glad to be here. Larry:Now, unless I'm mistaken, you're just one of the thousands of werewolves now living in the United States. Is that correct?Werewolf:Yes. But we prefer to be called Lycan-Americans.Larry:Oh, my apologies. So, you insist that werewol…Lycan-Americans are greatly misunderstood. Werewolf:That's right Larry. Thanks to the negative portrayals of lycans by the media and news outlets, Hollywood horror-films, and the smear campaign led by vampire supremacists, we lycans have been receiving a bad rap for centuries! However, the stereotype of lycans as bloodthirsty beasts that engage in deviant criminal behaviours, such as howling at the full Read more:Truth
, Werewolves
Mike and Jamie: A Valentine's Day Lament 1970-01-01 00:59:59 This post is about two people that I find so annoying that the very thought of them makes me want to pay someone a large sum of money to beat my head in with the nearest blunt object. Mike and Jamie
(who happen to share the study cubicle right next to mine) are best friends, just short of having matching tattoos and BFF bracelets. But what makes me feel compelled to perform bodily harm on myself each time I hear their names is the fact that Jamie is positively in love with Mike. I realise I'm not making any sense so let me put things into perspective. So here is the crucial tid-bit you need to know about Jamie: She's HOT!! And I don't mean, oops, I burnt my finger on the toaster, hot. I mean janitor in chemistry lab accidentally mistakes liquid nitroglycerine for industrial cleaner and then, once he's finished mopping the floor, proceeds to light his cigarette, hot! Anyway, like I said, Jamie is totally head over heals in love with Mike. In fact, she is regularly dropping Read more:Valentine
, Lament
All About Edwin Longwickle (Part 1) 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Little is known about the early life of the noted astronomer and scientific maverick, Edwin
Longwickle. But this much is certain: Longwickle was a person who came from a long line of people. Originally named Benjamin Rupert Longwickle, after his grandmother, he eventually changed his first name to Edwin, in honour of his chief scientific inspiration, Edwin Hubble. When he was only four, Longwickle's father died under mysterious circumstances shortly after being run over by a lorry. A two-year investigation was conducted by local law-enforcement, but the exact cause of his father's death remains unknown.Widowed at the tender age of twenty three, Longwickle's mother, Elizabeth Longwickle, was forced to raise young Edwin and his twelve siblings on her own (a task that remained quite difficult even after she donated six of the children to scientific research). However, from entries in her private diary it is now clear that Elizabeth Longwickle later came to regret her decision to giv Read more:Edwin Longwickle
All About Edwin Longwickle (Part 2) 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Stop: If you have not already read All About Edwin
Longwickle (Part 1), you should do so before reading the present instalment. Failure to comply with these instructions may give rise to confusion, dizziness, vomiting and impotence.Longwickle always dreamed of becoming an astronomer, but lacked the financial means necessary to pay for his education. However, in an unexpected stroke of luck, Longwickle won a full tuition scholarship to Cambridge for his uncanny ability to chew gum, juggle three bowling balls, and dance the Macarena, all at once.While at Cambridge, he befriended an Austrian by the name of Hans Landsteiner, who like Longwickle had a childhood full of the kind of hard knocks that gangsta rap lyrics are made of. One day, after his father left for work, young Hans walked in on his mother having sex with a head of broccoli. It was then that his mother divulged the awful truth that Mr. Landsteiner wasn't his real father. Hans, who already had to deal with being half Jewish i Read more:Edwin Longwickle
All About Edwin Longwickle (Part 3) 2007-03-09 00:15:00 Stop: If you have not already read All About Edwin
Longwickle (Part 2), you should do so before reading the present instalment. Failure to comply with these instructions may give rise to confusion, dizziness, vomiting and impotence.Longwickle is perhaps best known for his attempt to use Hubble’s theory of an expanding universe to explain why it is so difficult to locate one’s car in a supermarket parking lot. But what really put Longwickle on the scientific map was his two hundred page opus in which he argued that strange quarks were not so much strange as they were misunderstood.Unfortunately, these views rendered Longwickle persona non grata in the eyes of a myopic scientific community that had little tolerance for novel ideas. Estranged from the British scholarly establishment, Longwickle relocated across the pond, where he became an active member of American intellectual and political life. Quickly distinguishing himself as part of the Manhattan intelligencia, Lon Read more:Edwin Longwickle
Finding Your Purpose 2007-03-20 08:26:00 You never know when a philosophical breakthrough will occur. For instance, this one came to me while I was sitting on the loo flipping through my handy second-hand copy of the Encyclopædia of Dangerous Sexual Positions. Then, in a sudden (and totally unrelated) burst of insight I became aware of the answer to a question that has haunted generations: ‘what is my purpose in life?’ This question has stumped seers, sages, and soothsayers (not to mention my parents) since time immemorial. Why all these great thinkers have sought to uncover the purpose of my life, I am not quite sure (but it may have something to do with my habit of aimlessly wondering around gift-shops without ever making a purchase). But whatever explanation lies behind the search, this much is clear: though the answer seems forever nearby, it continues to elude us, like a name we know but can’t recall. That is of course, until now.But I’m not going to disclose the answer to the question ‘what is my purpose in Read more:Purpose
All About Longwickle's Friend, Hans Landsteiner (Part 1) 2007-03-28 09:02:00 No less fascinating than the life of Edwin Longwickle, was that of his best friend and colleague, Hans Landsteiner. Hans was born in the small town of Fucking in Upper Austria (I swear that’s the name of an actual town, I’m not making this up), and is generally believed to be the son of Hanna and Jonas Landsteiner. As a child, Hans was both a bed-wetter and sleep-walker; urinating in up to twelve different beds in a single night.A local psychologist diagnosed his chronic bed-wetting as stemming from childhood trauma, no doubt suffered when he accidentally walked in on his mother having sex with a head of broccoli. Things only grew worse shortly thereafter when his mother announced at a family gathering that Jonas Landsteiner wasn’t Hans’s real father. Hans, who already faced the challenge of being half Jewish in an era plagued by anti-Semitism, was now forced to come to terms with being half vegetable as well.The revelation shocked all in attendance, prompting Jonas's infirme
All About Longwickle's Friend, Hans Landsteiner (Part 2) 2007-04-02 11:03:00 Stop: If you have not already read All About Edwin Longwickle's Friend, Hans Landsteiner (Part 1), you should do so before reading the present instalment. Failure to comply with these instructions may give rise to confusion, dizziness, vomiting and impotence.However, tragedy struck when Hans’s biological father dropped by for a surprise visit and was promptly accosted, covered in cheese and eaten by Han’s roommate. The unfortunate eating deeply affected Hans, who vowed from that day forward to fight in defence of vegetable rights.Odd enough, it was also around this time that Hans developed an acute allergic reaction to cotton. His psychiatrist prescribed pills for his condition, but he could never seem to get them out of the bottle. This proved to be a great inconvenience, particularly since Hans's aunt Betty (on his father's side) was a cotton plant. Every time she came over for a visit, Hans would turn red and swell up like a turnip (and
The Easter Bill 2007-04-06 14:47:00 Remember that without capital punishment there would be no Easter
. So this Easter, go to the ballet box and show your support for the new binding referendum for the reinstatement of crucifixion. Let's face it, lethal injections and the electric chair are for pussies. What we need is capital punishment with testicles!Peter was crucified upside down for his lord and when the martyrs were burned at the stake, legend has it that they sang until their voices were no more. Sure, their songs were somewhat high pitched and along the lines of “oh Gawd, oh gawd make it stop!” But at least they sang, damit!But take a look at the sorry state of capital punishment today. “Will you like to have a pedicure with that lethal injection?” Give me a break! Back in the day, criminals would often die just form scourging that served as the warm-up for the main event. And once the nailing began all you had to look forward to was hours, sometimes days, of insane amounts of pain, asphyxiation
Jesus' Match.com Profile 2007-04-18 07:47:00 Tagline:Hey Ladies, I’m the answer to your prayers…literally! I am: Man Son of GodSeeking: WomanBetween ages: 19-23 About Me:First name:Jesus
Last name:Christ Middle initial:H. Ethnicity:Middle Eastern Languages:Aramaic, Hebrew, SpanglishBody type:A few extra pounds (after the resurrection, it was pretty much down hill) Height:5'5" (165.1cms) Religion:Formerly Jewish (recent convert to Scientology) Body art:Piercings Exercise Exorcise habits:3-4 demons per week (usually into a nearby herd of pigs) Daily diet:Loaves and fish Drink:Social drinker, mostly at weddings Smoke:The Chronic (how do you think I came up with all those awesome parables!)Interests:Dining out, Walking on water, Movies and art exhibits, Looking fabulous, Being thanked by gangsta-rappers at award shows.Favourite TV Show: Desperate Housewives Occupation:Carpenter, the Alpha and Omega, part-time White-house advisor Read more:Match
¿Cinco de Mayo? 2007-05-05 12:11:00 Cinco de Mayo: A day when Mexicans and Americans can come together in peace, harmony, and their mutual hatred of the French!On second thought, forget the peace and harmony bit.¡Viva Mexico!
Marriage...In the Abstract 2007-05-13 19:11:00 Now I have no problem with abstract entities such as numbers, goodness or God. In fact, as a professional philosopher I spend almost half of my time explaining to people why the first two exist and the last one doesn't. Moreover, some of my best friends are abstracts (like my psychic ex-girlfriend who broke up with me two months before we met). But when it comes to making practical life-changing decisions, mere abstracts have little place. For example, I've often heard single women talk about how much they want to get married. They don't have any specific candidate in mind, but they simply want to get married...in the abstract. There's just something about the concept of marriage, that makes them want to spend the rest of their lives trying to attain it (which, incidentally, is the same way some guys I know feel about vaginas). Of course, I should hasten to add, the desire to get married is certainly not limited to women. Why, King Solomon was a man and he pretty much holds the wor Read more:Abstract
One out of Every One Person Will Die! 2007-06-04 09:10:00 So the results from last week’s check-up are finally back and it turns out I’m going to die. (Not necessarily anytime soon, but it’s bound to happen eventually.) And thus ends my long futile bid for immortality. Now there is no need to worry, I’m not ill and the doctor assured me that I’m in normal physical condition for someone my age. But that’s precisely the problem. Since most blokes my age are mortal, being normal (i.e., just like them) means I must be mortal too. I realise this may seem like a trivial matter to many, but I’ve long had my fingers crossed that somehow the first law of thermodynamics didn’t apply to me. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I think I’m special or anything; it’s just that I happen to be severely allergic to dying.Unsurprisingly, this has put me in a rather sour mood. I feel grumpy, hungry, sleepy…hell, I’m all seven dwarfs combined! Take it from me, there’s nothing that takes the taste out of peanut butter like comi
Little Brother's Advice (A Wedding Toast) 2007-07-13 14:08:00 On July 6th, 2007, my big brother Andre tied the knot. What follows is a copy of the toast I delivered at the wedding reception:Statistics show that up to half of the marriages today end in divorce. And I know that sounds bad; but what they don't tell you is that the other half end in death. Kind of a no-win situation. And yet we find ourselves running headlong into the marital union like lemmings off a precipice. My elementary school English teacher taught me that marriage is a word. But now that I’m older, I’ve come to believe that it’s more like a sentence; life without parole! The worse part is that it is completely self-imposed. But some how, some way, some why, we find ourselves seeking, craving, longing for this imprisonment! Driven by some deep rooted masochistic desire for life-long suffering; we vow to never love another again. They say if life gives you lemons make lemonade, but isn’t getting married a bit like growing your own orchard? If you ask me, it a Read more:Brother
, Toast
, Little Brother
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